Thisstoryisamazing!Iloveit! •Intense•Adorable&perfect•Hessa
I’maddicted•Soromantic•I’mcryinganocean•IwillalwaysshipHessa
You don’t have to be a Directioner to read this • Nerve-racking • So cute I’m
giggling•Annaisagenius•Theyfightandpisseachotheroff,butthat’swhat
makesitsorealistic•LOL—lovethis!•I’mmoreuptodateonthisstorythanI
amonmyactuallife
Wattpadreadersagree—theAfterseriesisawild,
addictingrollercoasterofaromance.#Hessaforever!
He’smoody—butthat’sexactlywhatmademefallforhim•Ilovethiswaytoo
much!•Ijustspitmywater•Thisstoryisgoingtobethedeathofme!•OMG
*facepalm*•I’mcryingandIhavegoosebumps•IlovethemsomuchXOXO
Myheartjustmelted!•Romanticbastard•I’mgrinninglikeanidiot•Fangirling
SOHARD!•Justbuyheraringalready!•Sodarkandmysterious•Wow,that
washot.•Iwantmore.
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Tomyreadersfromthestart,withso,somuchloveand
gratitude.Youmeantheentireworldtome.
prologue
Collegehadalwaysseemedsocrucial,suchanessentialpartofwhatmeasuresa
person’sworthanddeterminestheirfuture.Weliveinatimewherepeopleask
whichschoolyouwenttobeforeaskingyourlastname.FromanearlyageIwas
taught,trainedreally,toprepareformyeducation.Ithadbecomethisnecessity
thatrequiredanoverwhelmingamountofpreparationandborderlineobsession.
Every class I chose, every assignment I completed since my first day of high
school revolved around getting into college. And not just any college—my
mother had it set in her mind that I attend Washington Central University, the
sameschoolthatsheattended,butnevercompleted.
Ihadnoideathattherewouldbesomuchmoretocollegethanacademics.I
hadnoideathatchoosingwhichelectivestotakeduringmyfirstsemesterwould
seem,justafewmonthslater,liketrivialaffairs.Iwasnaïvethen,andinsome
ways I still am. But I couldn’t have possibly known what lay ahead of me.
Meeting my dorm-mate was intense and awkward from the start, and meeting
herwildgroupoffriendsevenmoreso.Theyweresodifferentfrom anyone I
had ever known and I was intimidated by their appearance, confused by their
pureinattentiontostructure.Iquicklybecameapartoftheirmadness,indulging
init...
Andthat’swhenhecreptintomyheart.
Fromourfirstencounter,Hardinchangedmylifeinwaysthatnoamountof
college prep courses or youth group lectures could have. Those movies I
watchedasateenquicklybecamemylife,andthoseridiculousplotlinesbecame
myreality.WouldIhavedoneanythingdifferentlyifIhadknownwhatwasto
come?I’mnotsure.Iwouldlovetogiveastraightanswertothat,butIcan’t.At
timesIamgrateful,soutterlylostinthemomentofpassionthatmyjudgmentis
cloudedandallIcanseeishim.Othertimes,Ithinkofthepainhecausedme,
thedeepstingoflossforwhoIhadbeen,thechaosofthosemomentswhenIfelt
asifmyworldhadbeenturnedupsidedown,andtheanswerisn’tasclearasit
oncewas.
AllthatI’mcertainofisthatmylifeandmyheartwillneverbethesame,not
afterHardincrashedintothem.
chapterone
My alarm is set to go off any minute. I’ve been awake for half the night,
shiftingbackandforth,countingthelinesbetweentheceilingtilesandrepeating
the course schedule in my head. Others may count sheep; I plan. My mind
doesn’tallowabreakfromplanning,andtoday, the most important day in my
entireeighteenyearsoflife,isnoexception.
“Tessa!”Ihearmymothersvoicecallfromdownstairs.Groaningtomyself,I
roll out of my tiny bed. I take my time tucking the corners of my bedsheet
againsttheheadboard,becausethisisthelastmorningthatthiswillbeapartof
myregularroutine.Aftertoday,thisbedroomisnolongermyhome.
“Tessa!”shecallsagain.
“I’mup!”Iyellback.Thenoiseofthecabinetsopeningandslammingclosed
downstairs makes it known that she is feeling just as panicked as I am. My
stomachistiedinatightknot,andasIstartmyshowerIpraythattheanxietyI
feelwilllessenasthedaygoeson.Allofmylifehasbeenaseriesoftasksin
preparationforthisday,myfirstdayofcollege.
I spent the last few years nervously anticipating this. I spent my weekends
studying and preparing for this as my peers were hanging out, drinking, and
doingwhateverelseitisteenagersdotogetthemselvesintrouble.Thatwasn’t
me.Iwasthegirlwhospenthernightsstudyingcross-leggedonthelivingroom
floorwithmymotherwhileshegossipedandwatchedhoursofQVCtofindnew
waystoimproveherappearance.
The day my acceptance letter to Washington Central University came I
couldn’thavebeenmorethrilled—andmymothercriedforwhatfeltlikehours.
Ican’tdenythatIwasproudthatallmyhardworkhadfinallypaidoff.Igotinto
the only college I applied for and, because of our low income, I have enough
grantstokeepmystudentloanstoaminimum.Ihadonce,for justamoment,
consideredleavingWashingtonforcollege.Butseeingallthecolordrainfrom
my mothers face at the suggestion, and the way she paced around the living
roomfornearlyanhour,ItoldherIreallyhadn’tbeenseriousaboutthat.
ThemomentIstepintothesprayofshowerwatersomeofthetensionleaves
mystrainedmuscles.I’mstandinghere,underthehotwater,tryingtocalmmy
mind, but really doing the opposite, and I get so distracted that by the time I
finally wash my hair and body, I barely have enough hot water to run a razor
overmylegsfromthekneesdown.
AsIwrapthetowelaroundmywetbody,mymothercallsmynameyetagain.
Knowingthatit’shernervesgettingthebestofher,Igivehersomeleewaybut
takethetimetoblow-drymyhair.Iknowthatshe’sanxiousformyarrivalday
atcollege,butIhavehadthisdayplanneddowntothehourformonths.Only
oneofuscanbeanervouswreck,andIneedtodowhatIcantomakesureit’s
notmebyfollowingmyplan.
MyhandsshakeasIfumblewiththezipperonmydress.Idon’tcareforthe
thing, but my mother insisted that I wear it. I finally win the battle with the
zipper,andpullmyfavoritesweaterfromthebackofmyclosetdoor.Assoonas
I’mdressed,Ifeelslightlylessnervous,untilInoticeasmalltearonthesleeve
of my sweater. I toss it back onto my bed and slip my shoes onto my feet,
knowing that my mother is growing more impatient with every second that
passes.
Myboyfriend,Noah,willbeheresoontorideupwithus.He’sayearyounger
thanmebutwillturneighteensoon.He’sbrilliantandhasstraightAsjustlikeI
did, and—I’m so excited—he’s planning on joining me at WCU next year. I
really wish he was coming now, especially considering that I won’t know a
singlepersonatcollege,butI’mthankfulthathe’spromisedtovisitasoftenas
possible.Ijustneedadecentroommate;that’stheonlythingI’maskingforand
theonlythingIcan’tcontrolwithmyplanning.
“Ther-e-saaaa!”
“Mother,I amcomingdown now.Please do not scream my nameagain!” I
yellasIwalkdownthestairs.Noahissittingatthetableacrossfrommymother,
staringdown atthe watchon hiswrist. Theblue ofhis poloshirt matchesthe
light blue of his eyes, and his blond hair is combed and lightly gelled to
perfection.
“Hey,collegegirl.”Hesmilesabright,perfectlylinedsmileashestands.He
pulls me into a tight hug and I close my mouth when I catch his excessive
cologne.Yeah,sometimesheoverdoesitabitwiththat.
“Hey.”Igivehimanequallybrightsmile,tryingtohidemynerves,andpull
mydirtyblondhairintoaponytail.
“Honey,we canwaitacouple minutes whileyoufix your hair,”my mother
saysquietly.
I make my way to the mirror and nod; she’s right. My hair needs to be
presentablefortoday, andofcourse she didn’thesitatetoremind me. Ishould
havecurleditthewayshelikesanyhow,asalittlegoodbyegift.
“I’llputyourbagsinthecar,”Noahoffers,openinghispalmformymotherto
dropthekeysinto.Withaquickkissonmycheekhedisappearsfromtheroom,
bagsinhand,andmymotherfollowshim.
Round two of styling my hair ends with a better result than the first, and I
brushalintrollerovermygraydressonelasttime.
AsIgooutsideandwalktothecarpackedupwithmythings,thebutterflies
inmystomachdancearound,makingmeslightlyrelievedthatIhaveatwo-hour
drivetomakethemdisappear.
Ihavenoideawhatcollegewillbelike,and,unexpectedly,thequestionthat
keepsdominatingmythoughtsis:WillImakeanyfriends?
chaptertwo
IwishIcouldsaythatthefamiliarsceneryofmyhomestatecalmedmeaswe
drove,orthatasenseofadventuretookholdofmewitheachsignthatindicated
weweregettingcloserandclosertoWashingtonCentral.ButreallyIwasmostly
in a daze of planning and obsessing. I’m not even sure what Noah was really
talkingabout,butIknowhewastryingtobereassuringandexcitedforme.
Hereweare!” mymothersquealswhenwedrivethroughastone gateand
ontocampus.Itlooksjustasgreatinpersonasitdidinthebrochuresandonline,
and I’m immediately impressed by the elegant stone buildings. Hundreds of
people,parentshuggingandkissingtheirchildrengoodbye,clustersoffreshmen
dressedheadtotoeinWCUgear,andafewstragglers,lostandconfused,fillthe
area.Thesizeofthecampusisintimidating,buthopefullyafterafewweeksI
willfeelathome.
MymotherinsiststhatsheandNoahaccompanymetofreshmanorientation.
MymothermanagestoholdasmileonherfacetheentirethreehoursandNoah
listensintently,thesamewaythatIdo.
“Iwouldliketoseeyourdormroombeforeweheadout.Ineedtomakesure
everything’suptopar,”mymothersaysonceorientationisover.Hereyesscan
the old building, full of disapproval. She has a way of finding the worst in
things.Noahsmiles,lighteningthemood,andmymotherperksup.
“I just can’tbelieve you’re in college! My only daughter,a college student,
livingonherown.Ijustcan’tbelieveit,”shewhines,dabbingunderhereyes,
thoughcarefulnottomessuphermakeup.Noahfollowsbehindus,carryingmy
bagsaswenavigatethroughthecorridors.
“It’sB22...weareinChall,”Itellthem.Luckily,IseealargeBpaintedon
thewall. “Down here,” I instructwhen my mother begins toturn the opposite
way.I’mthankfulthatIonlybroughtafewclothes,ablanket,andsomeofmy
favoritebooksalongsoNoahdoesn’thavetoomuchtocarryandIwon’thave
toomuchtounpack.
“B22,”my motherhuffs.Herheels areoutrageously high for the amount of
walking we endure. At the end of a long hallway, I slide the key into the old
woodendoor,andwhenitcreaksopenmymotherletsoutaloudgasp.Theroom
issmall,withtwosinglebedsandtwodesks.Afteramoment,myeyestravelto
the reason behind my mothers surprise: one side of the room is covered in
music posters of bands that I’ve never heard of, the faces on them covered in
piercingsandtheirbodieswithtattoos.Andthenthere’sthegirllyingacrossone
bed,andherbrightredhair,eyeslinedwithwhatlookslikeinchesofblackliner,
andarmscoveredincolorfultattoos.
“Hey,”shesays,offeringasmile,asmilethatIfindquiteintriguing,muchto
my surprise. “I’m Steph.” She sits up on her elbows, causing her cleavage to
pushtightagainstherlaced-uptop,andIgentlykickatNoah’sshoewhenhis
eyesfocusonherchest.
“H-hey.I’mTessa,”Ichoke,allofmymannersflyingoutthedoor.
“Hey,Tessa,nicetomeetyou.WelcometoWCU,wherethedormsaretiny
and the parties are huge.” The crimson-haired girl grins wider. Her head falls
backintoafitoflaughterasshetakesinthethreehorrifiedexpressionsinfront
ofher.Mymothersjawiswideopen,practicallyonthecarpet,andNoahshifts
uncomfortably.Stephwalksover,closingthegapbetweenus,andwrapsherthin
armsaroundmybody.I’mfrozenforamoment,surprisedbyheraffection,butI
returnherkindgesture.AknocksoundsatthedoorjustasNoahdropsmybags
ontothefloor,andIcan’thelpbuthopethatthisisallsomesortofjoke.
“Come in!” my new roommate yells. The door opens and two boys walk
insidebeforeshefinisheshergreeting.
Boys inside the female dorms on the first day? Maybe Washington Central
wasabaddecision.OrperhapsIcouldhavefoundawaytoscreenmyroommate
first? I assume by the pained expression covering my mothers face that her
thoughtshavetakenthesamecourse.Thepoorwomanlookslikeshemightpass
outanymoment.
“Hey, you Steph’s roomie?” one of the boys asks. His blond hair is styled
straight up and there are sections of brown peeking through. His arms are
scatteredwithtattoosandtheearringsinhiseararethesizeofanickel.
“Um...yes.MynameisTessa,”Imanagetosay.
“I’mNate.Don’tlooksonervous,”hesayswithasmile,reachingouttotouch
myshoulder.“You’llloveithere.”Hisexpressioniswarmandinvitingdespite
hisharshappearance.
“I’mready,guys,”Stephsays,grabbingaheavyblackbagfromherbed.My
eyesshifttothetallbrown-hairedboyleaningagainstthewall.Hishairisamop
ofthickwavesonhishead,pushedbackoffhisforehead,andhehasmetalinhis
eyebrowandlip.MyfocusmovesdownhisblackT-shirttohisarms,whichare
alsocoveredintattoos;notaninchofuntouchedskinisseen.UnlikeSteph’sand
Nate’s,hisappeartobeallblack,gray,andwhite.He’stall,lean,andIknowthat
I’mstaringathiminthemostimpoliteway,butIcan’tseemtolookaway.
I expect him to introduce himself the way that his friend did, but he stays
quiet,rollinghiseyesinannoyanceandpullingacellphonefromthepocketof
histightblackjeans.Hedefinitelyisn’tasfriendlyasStephorNate.He’smore
appealing,though;somethingabouthimmakesithardtotearmyeyesfromhis
face.I’mvaguelyawareofNoah’seyesonmeasIfinallylookawayandpretend
Iwasstaringoutofshock.
Becausethat’swhatitis,right?
“Seeyouaround,Tessa,”Natesaysandthethreeofthemexittheroom.Ilet
out a long breath. Calling the last few minutes uncomfortable would be an
understatement.
“You’regettinganewdorm!”mymotherroarsassoonasthedoorclicksshut.
“No, I can’t.”I sigh. “It’s fine, Mother.” I do my best to hide my nerves. I
don’tknowhowwellthiswillworkout,either,butthelastthingIwantismy
overbearing mother causing a scene on my first day of college. “I’m sure she
won’tbearoundmuchatallanyway,”Itrytoconvinceher,alongwithmyself.
“Absolutelynot.Wearegoingtoswitchnow.”Hercleanappearanceclashes
with the anger in her face; her long blond hair is flipped to one shoulder, yet
everycurlisstillperfectlyintact.“Youwillnotroomwithsomeonewhoallows
meninlikethat—thosepunks,atthat!”
Ilookintohergrayeyes,thentoNoah.“Mother,please,let’sjustseehowit
goes.Please,”Ibeg.Ican’tbegintoimaginethemessitwouldcreatetryingto
getalast-minutedormchange.Andhowhumiliatingitwouldfeel.
My mother looks around to the room again, taking in the décor covering
Steph’sside,andhuffsdramaticallyatthedarktheme.
“Fine,”shespitsout,muchtomysurprise.“Butwe’regoingtohavealittle
talkbeforeIgo.”
chapterthree
An hour later, after listening to my mother warn me against the dangers of
partiesandcollegemen—andusingsomelanguagethat’sratheruncomfortable
forNoahandmetohearfromher—shefinallymakeshermovetoleave.Inher
usualstyle,aquickhugandkiss,sheexitsthedormroom,informingNoahthat
shewillwaitforhiminthecar.
“I’llmisshavingyouaroundeveryday,”hesayssoftlyandpullsmeintohis
arms.Iinhalehiscologne,theoneIboughthimtwoChristmasesinarow,and
sigh.Someoftheoverpoweringscenthaswornoff,andIrealizethatI’llmiss
thissmellandthecomfortandfamiliaritythatgoalongwithit,nomatterhow
manytimesIcomplainedaboutitinthepast.
“I’llmissyou,too,butwecantalkeveryday,”Ipromiseandtightenmyarms
aroundhistorsoandnuzzleintohisneck.“Iwishyouwereherethisyear.”Noah
isonlyafewinchestallerthanme,butIlikethathedoesn’ttoweroverme.My
mother used to tease me growing up, claiming that a man grows an inch for
everyliehetells.Myfatherwasatallman,soIwon’targuewithherlogicthere.
Noahbrusheshislipsacrossmine...andjustthenIhearahornhonkingin
theparkinglot.
Noah laughs and breaks away from me. “Your mom. She’s persistent.” He
kissesmeonthecheekandhurriesoutthedoor,yelling,“Callyoutonight!”as
hegoes.
Left alone, I think about his hasty exit for just a moment and thenbeginto
unpackmybags.Shortly,halfmyclothesareneatlyfoldedandstoredinoneof
the small dressers; the remainder are hung neatly in my closet. I cringe at the
sheer amount of leather and animal print filling the other closet. Still, my
curiositydoes get thebest of me and I find myself running my finger along a
dressmadeofsomesortofmetal,andanotherthat’ssothinit’sbarelythereat
all.
Feeling the beginnings of exhaustion from the day, I lie across the bed. An
unfamiliarlonelinessiscreepingitswayintomealready,anditdoesn’thelpthat
myroommateisgone,nomatterhowuncomfortableherfriendsmakeme.Ihave
afeelingshewillbegonealot,or,worse,shemayhavecompanyovertoooften.
Whycouldn’tIgetaroommatewholovedtoreadandstudy?Isupposeitcould
beagoodthing,becauseIwillhavethesmallroomtomyself,butIdon’thavea
goodfeelingaboutanyofthis.SofarcollegeisneitherwhatIhaddreamedof
norexpected.
Iremindmyselfthat it’sonly been afewhours. Tomorrow willbebetter.It
hastobe.
Igathermyplannerandtextbooks,takingthetimetowritedownmyclasses
forthesemesterandmypotentialmeetingsfortheliteraryclubIplanonjoining;
I’m still undecided on that, but I read a few student testimonials and want to
checkitout.Iwanttotrytofindagroupoflike-mindedpeopleIcantalkto.I
don’t expect to make a lot of friends, just enough that I can have someone to
maybe eat a meal with every once in a while. I plan for a trip off campus
tomorrowtogetsomemorethingsformydormroom.Idon’twanttocrowdmy
sideoftheroomthewaythatStephhas,butIwouldliketoaddafewthingsof
myowntomakemefeelmoreathomeintheunfamiliarspace.ThefactthatI
don’thaveacaryetwillmakeitalittledifficult.ThesoonerIgetone,thebetter.
Ihaveenoughmoneyfromgraduationgiftsandsavingsfrommysummerjobat
abookstore,butI’mnotsureifIwantthestressofowningacarrightnow.The
fact that I live on campus gives me full access to public transport, and I’ve
already researched the bus lines. With thoughts of schedules, red-haired girls,
andunfriendly mencovered in tattoos, I drift to sleepwith myplanner stillin
hand.
THENEXTMORNINGStephisnotinherbed.Iwouldliketogettoknowher,
butthatmightbedifficultifshe’sneveraround.Maybeoneofthetwoboysthat
shewaswithwasherboyfriend?Forhersake,Ihopeitwastheblondone.
Grabbingmytoiletrybag,Imakemywaytotheshowerroom.Icanalready
tellthatoneofmyleastfavoritethingsaboutdormlifeisgoingtobetheshower
situation—Iwisheachoftheroomshadtheirownbathrooms.It’sawkward,but
atleasttheywon’tbecoed.
Or...Ihadassumedtheywouldn’tbe—wouldn’teveryoneassumethat?But
when I reach the door, sure enough, there are two stick figures printed on the
sign,onemaleandonefemale.Ugh.I can’tbelievetheyletthiskindof thing
happen.Ican’tbelieveIdidn’tuncoveritwhileIwasresearchingWCU.
Spotting an open shower stall, I skirt through the half-naked boys and girls
quickly,pullthecurtainclosedtight,andundress,thenhangmyclothesonthe
rackoutsidebyblindlypokingonehandoutofthecurtain.Theshowertakestoo
longtogetwarmandtheentiretimeI’minthereI’mparanoidthatsomeonewill
pull back the thin curtainseparating my naked body from the restof the guys
andgirlsoutthere.Everyoneseemstobecomfortablewithhalf-nakedbodiesof
both genders walking around; college life is strange so far, and it’s only the
secondday.
Theshowerstallistiny,linedwithasmallracktohangmyclothesonwhileI
shower and barely enough room to stretch my arms in front of me. I find my
minddriftingtoNoahandmylifebackhome.Distracted,Iturnaroundandmy
elbowknocksintotherack,knockingmyclothestothewetfloor.Theshower
poursontothem,completelysoakingthem.
“You’vegottobekiddingme!”Igroantomyself,hastilycuttingthewateroff
andwrappingmytowelaroundmyself.Igrabmypileofheavy,soakedclothes
andrushdownthehall,desperatelyhopingnooneseesme.Ireachmyroomand
shovethekeyin,instantlyrelaxingwhenIpushthedoorclosedbehindme.
Until I turn around to see the rude, tattooed, brown-haired boy sprawled
acrossSteph’sbed.
chapterfour
Um...WhereisSteph?”Itrytosoundauthoritative,butmyvoicecomesout
asmoreofasqueak.Myhandsareclenchedaroundthesoftfabricofmytowel
and my eyes keep darting down to make sure it’s actually covering my naked
body.
Theboylooksatme,thecornersofhismouthliftingslightly,butdoesn’tsaya
word.
“Didyouhearme?IaskedyouwhereStephis,”Irepeat,tryingtobeslightly
morepolitethistime.
Theexpressiononhisfacemagnifiesandhefinallymumbles,“Idon’tknow,”
andturnsonthesmallflatscreenonSteph’sdresser.Whatisheevendoingin
here?Doesn’thehavehisownroom?Ibitemytongue,tryingtokeepmyrude
commentstomyself.
“Okay?Well,couldyoulike...leaveorsomethingsoIcangetdressed?”He
hasn’tevennoticedI’minatowel.Ormaybehehasbutitdoesn’timpresshim.
“Don’tflatteryourself,it’snotlikeI’mgoingtolookatyou,”hescoffsand
rollsover,hishandscoveringhisface.HehasathickEnglishaccentthatIdidn’t
notice at first. Probably because he was too rude to actually speak to me
yesterday.
Unsure how I should respond to his rude remark, I huff and walk to my
dresser.Maybeheisn’tstraight,maybethat’swhathemeantby“it’snotlikeI’m
goingtolook.”Eitherthatorhefindsmeunattractive.Ihastilyputonabraand
panties,followedbyaplainwhiteshirtandkhakishorts.
“Areyoudoneyet?”heasks,snappingthelastbitofpatienceIheld.
“Could you be any more disrespectful? I did nothing to you. What is your
problem?!”Ishout,muchlouderthanIhadwantedto,butbythesurprisedlook
onhisface,mywordshadtheintendedeffect.
Hesilentlystaresatmeforamoment.AndwhileIawaitforhisapology...
heburstsintolaughter.Hislaughisdeepandwouldbeanalmostlovelysoundif
he didn’t come off so unpleasant. Dimples indent both of his cheeks as he
continueson,andIfeellikeacompleteidiot,unsurewhattodoorsay.Idon’t
usuallylikeconflictandthisboyseemslikethelastpersonIshouldstartafight
with.
ThedooropensandStephburstsin.
“SorryI’mlate.I haveahellofahangover,”shesaysdramatically,andher
eyesdartbackandforthbetweenthetwoofus.“Sorry,Tess,Iforgottotellyou
Hardinwouldbecomingby.”Sheshrugsapologetically.
IwouldliketothinkmeandStephcouldmakeourlivingarrangementwork,
maybeevenbuildsomesortofafriendship,butwithherchoiceoffriendsand
latenights,I’mjustnotsureanymore.
“Yourboyfriendisrude.”ThewordstumbleoutbeforeIcanstopthem.
Stephlooksoverattheboy.Andthentheybothburstintolaughter.Whatisit
withpeoplelaughingatme?It’sgettingreallyannoying.
“Hardin Scott is not my boyfriend!” she spits out, nearly choking. Calming
down, she turns and scowls at this Hardin. “What did you say to her?” Then,
lookingbackatme:“Hardinhasa...auniquewayofconversing.”
Lovely,sobasicallywhatsheissayingisthatHardinis,simply,athiscore,a
rudeperson.TheEnglishboyshrugsandchangesthechannelwiththeremotein
hishand.
“Thereisapartytonight;youshouldcomewithus,Tessa,”shesays.
Sonowit’smyturntolaugh.
“Partiesaren’treallymy thing.Plus Ihave togo toget somethings formy
deskandwalls.”IlookatHardin,who,ofcourse,isactingasifneitherofusis
intheroomwithhim.
“C’mon. .. it’sjust one party! You’re in college now, justone partywon’t
hurt,” she begs. “Wait, how are you getting to the store? I thought you didn’t
haveacar?”
“Iwasgoingtotakethebus.Andbesides,Ican’tgotoaparty—Idon’teven
knowanyone,” I say,and Hardin laughs again—a subtleacknowledgment that
he’llpayjustenoughattentiontomockme.“IwasgoingtoreadandSkypewith
Noah.”
“You don’t want to take the bus on a Saturday! They’re way too packed.
Hardincandropyouonthewaytohisplace...right,Hardin?Andyou’llknow
me at the party. Just come . . . please?” She presses her hands together in a
dramaticplea.
I’veonlyknownherforaday;shouldItrusther?Mymotherswarningabout
parties goes through my head. Steph seems quite sweet, from the small
interactionthatI’vehadwithher.Butaparty?
“Idon’tknow...and,no,Idon’twantHardintodrivemetothestore,”Isay.
Hardin rolls over across Steph’s bed with an amused expression. “Oh no! I
wasreallylookingforwardtohangingoutwithyou,”hedrylyreplies,hisvoice
so full of sarcasm that I want to throw a book at his curly head. “Come on,
Steph,youknowthisgirlisn’tgoingtoshowattheparty,”hesays,laughing;his
accent is so thick. The curious side of me, which I admit is quite large, is
desperate to ask him where he is from. The competitive side of me wants to
provethatsmugfaceofhiswrong.
“Actually,yeah,I’llcome,”IsaywithassweetasmileasIcanmanage.“It
soundslikeitmightbefun.”
Hardin shakes his head in disbelief and Steph squeals before wrapping her
armsaroundmeinatighthug.
“Yay! We’ll have so much fun!” she shrieks. And a big part of me is
practicallyprayingthatshe’llberight.
chapterfive
I’mthankfulwhenHardinfinallyleavessoStephandIcandiscusstheparty.I
needmoredetailstoeasemynerves,andhavinghimaroundisnohelpatall.
“Whereistheparty?Isitwithinwalkingdistance?”Iaskher,tryingtosound
calmasIalignmybooksneatlyontheshelf.
“Technically, it’s a frat party, at one of the biggest frat houses here.” Her
mouthiswideopenasshelayersmoremascaraontoherlashes.“It’soffcampus,
sowewon’tbewalkingbutNatewillpickusup.”
I’m grateful it won’t be Hardin, even though I know he will be there.
Somehowridingwithhimseemsunbearable.Whyishesorude?Ifanything,he
should be grateful that I’m not judging him for the way he has destroyed his
bodywithholesandtattoos.Okay,maybeIamjudginghimalittle,butnottohis
face.I’matleastpoliteaboutourdifferences.Inmyhome,tattoosandpiercings
are not a normal thing. I always had to have my hair combed, my eyebrows
plucked,andmyclothescleanandironed.It’sjustthewayitis.
“Didyouhearme?”Stephsaysandinterruptsmythoughts.
“I’m sorry . . . what?” I hadn’trealized my mind had wandered to the rude
boy.
“Isaidlet’sgetready—youcanhelpmepickmyoutfit,”shesays.Thedresses
shepicksoutaresoinappropriatethatIkeeplookingaroundforahiddencamera
andsomeonetojumpoutandtellmethisisallajoke.Icringeateachoneand
shelaughs,obviouslyfindingmydistastehumorous.
Thedress—no,pieceofscrapmaterial—shechoosesisablackfishnet,which
lets her red bra show through. The only thing keeping her from showing her
entirebodyisasolidblackslip.Thedressbarelyreachesthetopsofherthighs
and she keeps tugging the material up to reveal more leg, then back down to
reveal more cleavage. The heels of her shoes are at least four inches tall. Her
flaming red hair is pulled into a wild bun with curls escaping down to her
shouldersandhereyesarelinedwithblueandblackliner,somehowevenmore
eyelinerthanshehadonbefore.
“Didyourtattooshurt?”IaskherasIpulloutmyfavoritemaroondress.
“Thefirstonesortofdid,butnotasbadasyouwouldthink.It’salmostlikea
beestingingyouoverandover,”shesayswithashrug.
“That sounds terrible,” I tell her and she laughs. It occurs to me that she
probablyfindsmeasstrangeasIfindher.Thatwe’rebothunfamiliarwitheach
otherisoddlycomforting.
Shegapesatmydress.“You’renotreallywearingthat,areyou?”
Myhandslidesoverthefabric.Thisismynicestdress,myfavoritedress,and
it’snotlikeIreallyhaveallthatmany.“Whatiswrongwithmydress?”Iask,
trying to hide how offendedI am. The maroon material is soft but sturdy, the
samematerialbusinesssuitsaremadeof.Thecollargoesuptomyneckandthe
sleevesarethree-quarterlength,hittingjustundermyelbows.
“Nothing...it’sjustso...long?”shesays.
“It’sbarelybelowmyknee.”Ican’ttellifshecanseeI’moffendedornot,but
forsomereasonIdon’twanthertoknowthisaboutme.
“It’s pretty. I justthink it’s a littletoo formal fora party.You could borrow
something of mine?” she says in all sincerity. I cringe at the idea of trying to
squeezeintooneofhertinydresses.
“Thanks,Steph.I’mfinewearingthis,though,”Isayandpluginmycurling
iron.
chaptersix
Later, when my hair is perfectly curled and lying down my back, I push two
bobbypinsin,oneoneachsidetokeepitoutofmyface.
“Do you want to use some of my makeup?” Steph asks, and I look in the
mirroragain.
My eyes always look a little too large for my face, but I prefer to wear
minimalmakeupandusuallyjustputonalittlemascaraandlipbalm.
“Maybealittleeyeliner?”Isay,stillunsure.
With a smile, she hands me three pencils: one purple, one black, and one
brown.Irollthemaroundinmyfingers,decidingbetweentheblackandbrown.
“Thepurplewilllookgreatwithyoureyes,”shesays,andIsmilebutshake
myhead.“Youreyesaresounique—wanttotrade?”shejokes.
But Steph has beautifulgreen eyes; whywould she even joke about trading
withme?Itaketheblackpencilanddrawthethinnestpossiblelinearoundboth
eyes,earningaproudsmilefromSteph.
Herphonebuzzesandshegrabsherpurse.“Nate’shere,”shesays.Igrabmy
purse, smooth my dress, and slip on my flat, white Toms, which she eyes but
doesn’tcommenton.
Nateiswaitingoutfrontofthebuilding,heavyrockmusicblaringoutofhis
cars rolled-down windows. I can’t help but glance around to see everyone
staring.IkeepmyheaddownandjustasIlookup,IseeHardinleanupinthe
frontseat.Hemusthavebeenbendingdown.Ugh.
“Ladies,”Nategreetsus.
HardinglaresatmeasIclimbinbehindStephandendupgettingstucksitting
directlybehindhim.“Youdoknowthatwearegoingtoaparty, not a church,
right,Theresa?”hesays,andIglanceatthesidemirrorandfindasmirkacross
hisface.
“Pleasedon’tcallmeTheresa.IpreferTessa,”Iwarnhim.Howdoesheeven
knowthat’smyname?Theresaremindsmeofmyfather,andIwouldrathernot
hearit.
“Surething,Theresa.”
Ileanbackagainstmyseatandrollmyeyes.Ichoosenottobanterbackand
forthwithhim;it’snotworthmytime.
I stare out the window, trying to drown out the loud music as we drive.
Finally, Nate parks on the side of a busy street lined with large, seemingly
identicalhouses.Paintedinblacklettersisthenameofthefraternity,butIcan’t
makeoutthewordsbecauseoftheovergrownvinessneakingupthesideofthe
massivehouseinfrontofus.Messystringsoftoiletpapersprawlupthewhite
house, and the noise coming from inside adds to the stereotypical frat house
theme.
“It’ssobig;howmanypeoplewillbehere?”Igulp.Thelawnisfullofpeople
holdingredcups,someofthemdancing,rightthereonthelawn.I’mwayoutof
myleaguehere.
“Afullhouse,hurryup,”Hardinrespondsandgetsoutofthecar,slamming
thecardoorbehindhim.Fromthebackseat,Iwatchasmultiplepeoplehigh-five
andshakeNate’shand,ignoringHardin.Whatsurprisesmeisthatnooneelse
thatIseeiscoveredintattooslikehe,Nate,andStephare.MaybeIcanmake
somefriendsheretonightafterall.
“Coming?”Stephsayswithasmileandpopsopenherdoorandhopsout.
Inod,mostlytomyself,asIclimboutofthecar,makingsuretosmoothmy
dressagain.
chapterseven
Hardinhasalreadydisappearedintothehouse,whichisgreatbecausemaybeI
won’tseehimagainfortherestofthenight.Consideringthenumberofpeople
crammed into this place, I probably won’t. I follow Steph and Nate into the
crowded living room and am handed a red cup. I turn to decline with a polite
“No,thankyou,”butit’stoolateandIdon’thaveacluewhogaveittome.Iput
thecupon the counterandcontinueto walk throughthehousewith them. We
stopwalkingwhenwereachagroupofpeoplecrowdedonandaroundacouch.I
assumetheyarefriendswithSteph,giventheirappearance.Theyarealltattooed
likeher,andsittinginarowonthecouch.Unfortunately,Hardinisontheright
armofthecouch,butIavoidlookingathimasStephintroducesmetothegroup.
“ThisisTessa,myroommate.ShejustgothereyesterdaysoIfiguredIwould
showheragoodtimeforherfirstweekendatWCU,”sheexplains.
One by one they nod or smile at me. All of them seem so friendly, except
Hardin, of course. A very attractive boy with olive-toned skin reaches out his
hand and shakes mine. His hands are slightly cold from the drink he was
holding,buthissmileiswarm.Thelightreflectsoffhismouth,andIthinkIspot
apieceofmetalonhistongue,buthecloseshismouthtooquicklyformetobe
sure.
“I’mZed.What’syourmajor?”heasksme.Inoticehiseyestraveldownmy
bulkydressandhesmilesalittlebutdoesn’tsayanything.
“I’manEnglishmajor,”Isayproudly,smiling.HardinsnortsbutIignorehim.
“Awesome,”hesays.“I’mintoflowers.”ZedlaughsandIreturnone.
Flowers?Whatdoesthatevenmean?
“Wantadrink?”heasksbeforeIcaninquirefurtheraboutflowers.
“Oh,no.Idon’tdrink,”Itellhimandhetriestohidehissmile.
“LeaveittoStephtobringLittleMissPrisstoaparty,”atinygirlwithpink
hairsaysunderherbreath.
IpretendnottohearhersoIcanavoidanykindofconfrontation.MissPriss?
I’minnoway“prissy,”butIhaveworkedandstudiedhardtogetwhereIam,
andsincemyfatherleftusmymotherhasworkedherentirelifetomakesureI
haveagoodfuture.
“I’mgoingtogetsomeair,”Isayandturntowalkaway.Ineedtoavoidparty
drama at all costs. I don’t need to make any enemies when I don’t have any
friendstobeginwith.
“Doyouwantmetocomewithyou?”Stephcallsafterme.
Ishakemyheadandmakemywaytothedoor.IknewIshouldn’thavecome.
Ishouldbeinmypajamascurledupwithanovelrightnow.IcouldbeSkyping
with Noah, whom I miss terribly. Even sleeping would be better than sitting
outside this dreadful party with a bunch of drunken strangers. I decide to text
Noah. I walk to the edge of the yard, since it seems to be the least crowded
space.
Imissyou.Collegeisn’tveryfunsofar.Ihitsendandsitonthestonewallwaitingfor
hisreply.Agroupofdrunkgirlswalkbygigglingandstumblingovertheirown
feet.
Herespondsquickly:Whynot?Imissyoutoo,Tessa.IwishIwastherewithyouandIsmile
athiswords.
“Shit,sorry!”amalevoicesaysandasecondlaterIfeelcoldliquidsoakthe
frontofmydress.Theguystumblesandpullshimselfuptoleanagainstthelow
wall.“Mybad,really,”hemumblesandsitsdown.
Thispartycouldnotgetanyworse.Firstthatgirlcalledmeprissy,andnow
mydressissoakedwithGodknowswhattypeofalcohol—anditreallysmells.
Sighing,Ipickupmyphoneandwalkinsidetofindabathroom.Ipushmyway
throughthecrowdedhallandtrytoopeneverydoorontheway,noneofthem
budging.Itrynottothinkaboutwhatpeoplearedoingintherooms.
Imakemywayupstairsandcontinuemyhuntforabathroom.Finally,oneof
the doors does open. Unfortunately, it’s not a bathroom. It’s a bedroom, and,
evenmoreunfortunateforme,it’soneinwhichHardinislyingacrossthebed
whilethepink-hairedgirlstraddleshislap,hermouthcoveringhis.
chaptereight
Thegirl turns around and looksat meas I try to movemy feet, but they just
won’tbudge.“CanIhelpyou?”shesnarks.
Hardin sits up with her still on his torso. His face is flat—not amused or
embarrassedatall.Hemustdothistypeofthingallthetime.Hemustbeusedto
beingcaughtinfrathousespracticallyhavingsexwithstrangegirls.
“Oh...no.Sorry,I...I’mlookingforabathroom,someonespilledadrink
onme,”Iquicklyexplain.Thisissouncomfortable.Thegirlpresseshermouth
againstHardin’sneckandIlookaway.Thesetwoseemtobeagoodmatch.Both
tattooed,andbothrude.
“Okay? So go find a bathroom.” She rolls her eyes and I nod, leaving the
room.AfterthedoorclosesIleanmybackagainstit.Sofarcollegeisn’tfunat
all.Ijustcan’twrapmyheadaroundhowapartylikethiscouldbeconsidered
fun.Insteadoftryingtofindabathroom,Idecidetofindthekitchenandclean
myself off there. The last thing I want to do is open another door and find
drunkenhormonalcollegestudentsontopofoneanother.Again.
Thekitchenisn’ttoohardtofind,butit’scrowdedsincemostofthealcohol
supply is in ice buckets on the counter and stacks of pizza boxes fill the
countertops.Ihavetoreacharoundabrunettepukinginthesinktograbapaper
towel and wet it. As I wipe it over my dress, small white flakes of the cheap
paper towel cover the wet spot, making it worse. Frustrated, I groan and lean
againstthecounter.
“Havingfun?”Nateasksasheapproachesme.I’mrelievedtoseeafamiliar
face.Hesmilessweetlyandtakesasipofhisdrink.
“Notexactly...howlongdothesepartiesusuallylast?”
“Allnight...andhalfthedaytomorrow.”Helaughsandmymouthdrops.
WhenwouldStephwanttoleave?Hopefullysoon.
“Wait.”Ibegintopanic.“Who’sgoingtodriveusbacktothedorm?”Iask
him,wellawareofhisbloodshoteyes.
“Idon’tknow...youcandrivemycarifyouwant,”hesays.
“That’s really nice, but I can’t drive your car. If I wreck or get pulled over
with underage drinkers in the car I would get in so much trouble.” I can just
imaginemymothersfaceasshebailsmeoutofjail.
“No,no,it’snotafardrive—youshouldjusttakemycar.Youhaven’teven
been drinking. If not, you’ll have to stay here, or I could ask around to see if
someone—”
“No,it’sfine.I’llfigureitout,”Imanagebeforethemusicgetsturnedwayup
and most everything is drowned out by bass and lyrics that are practically
screamed.
My decision to come to this party is proving to be worse and worse as the
nightgoeson.
chapternine
Finally, after pointing around and yelling “Steph!” like ten times at Nate, the
musicdropsintoaquietersongandhenodsandstartstolaugh.Hishandmoves
upintotheairandhepointsintothenextroom.Heisreallyasweetguy—why
doeshehangoutwithHardin?
AsIturntowhereheindicated,allIhearismyowngaspasIspother.She,
alongwith twoother girls,are dancingon atable inthe livingroom. A drunk
guyclimbsupandjoinsthem,hishandsgrippingherhips.Iexpecthertoswat
hishandsoffbutshejustsmilesandpushesherbottomagainsthim.Okay.
“They’re just dancing, Tessa,” Nate says and gives a quick chuckle at my
uneasyexpression.
Buttheyaren’tjustdancing;they’regropingandgrindingagainsteachother.
“Yeah...Iknow.”Ishrug,eventhoughitisn’tascasualtome.I’venever
dancedthatway,notevenwithNoah,andwehavebeendatingtwoyears.Noah!
Ireachintomypurseandcheckmymessagesfromhim.
YouthereTess?
Hello?Youokay?
Tessa?ShouldIcallyourmom?I’mgettingworried.
Idial him asfast as myfingers will allow, praying thathe hasn’tcalledmy
motheryet.Hedoesn’tpickup,but ItexthimassuringhimthatI’mokayand
there is no need for him to call my mother. She will lose it if she thinks
somethinghappenedtomeonmyfirstweekendofcollege.
“Heyyyy . . . Tessa!” Steph slurs and leans her head on my shoulder. “You
havingfunyet,roomie?”Shegiggles,obviouslyheavilyintoxicated.“Ithink...
I need . . . the room is starting to spend, Tess . . . I mean spin,” she says,
laughing,andherbodylurchesforward.
“She is going to get sick,” I tell Nate. He nods and lifts her into his arms,
drapingherbodyoverhisshoulder.
“Followme,”heinstructsandheadsupstairs.Heopensadoorhalfwaydown
the hall, finding a bathroom quickly, of course. Right as he places her on the
floor by the toilet, she begins to vomit. I look away but grab her red hair and
gentlyholditbackawayfromherface.
Finally,aftermorevomitthanIcanhandleseeing,shestopsandNatehands
meatowel.“Let’sgethertotheroomacrossthehallandlayheronthebed.She
isgoingtoneedtosleepitoff,”hesays.Inod,butwhatI’mreallythinkingis
thatIcan’tleaveherherealone,passedout.“Youcanstayinthere,too,”hesays,
seemingtoreadmymind.
Togetherwegetherupoffthefloorandhelpherwalkacrossthehallandinto
adarkbedroom.WegentlylayagroaningStephontothebedandNatequickly
takesoff,tellingmehe’llcheckinonuslater.IsitdownonthebednexttoSteph
andmakesureherheadiscomfortable.
Sober,with a drunkgirlbesidemeand a partyragingallaround, I feellike
I’ve hit a new low. I turn on a lamp and look around the room, my eyes
immediately going to the bookshelves that cover one of the walls. Since this
perksmymoodup,Igoovertoitandscanthroughthetitles.Whoeverownsthis
collectionisimpressive;therearemanyclassics,awholerangeofdifferenttypes
ofbooks,includingallofmyfavorites.SpyingWutheringHeights,Ipullitoff
theshelf.It’sinbadshape,thebindinggivingaway howmanytimesit’sbeen
opened.
I’msolostinEmilyBrontë’swordsthatIdon’tevennoticethechangeinlight
whenthedooropens,orthepresenceofathirdpersoninthespace.
“Whythehellareyouinmyroom?”anangryvoiceboomsfrombehindme.
Iknowthataccentbynow.
Hardin.
“I asked you what the hell you’re doing in my room,” he repeats, just as
harshlyasthefirsttime.Iturntoseehislonglegspullinghimtowardmeandhe
snatchesthebookfrommyhandandtossesitbackontotheshelf.
Mymind is whirling. I thought the party couldn’tgetany worse, but here I
am,caughtinHardin’spersonalplace.Herudelyclearshisthroatandwaveshis
handinfrontofmyface.
“NatetoldmetobringStephinhere...”Myvoiceissoft,barelyaudible.He
takesastepcloser and lets outadeepbreath. I gesture tohisbed,causing his
eyestofollowmyhand.“ShedranktoomuchandNatesaid—”
“Iheardyouthefirsttime.”Herunshishandthroughhismessyhair,clearly
upset.Whydoeshecaresomuchifweareinhisroom?Wait...
“Youareapartofthisfraternity?”Iaskhim.It’simpossibletohidetheshock
inmyvoice.HardinisfarfromwhatIimaginedafratboytobelike.
“Yeah,so?”heanswersandtakesyetanotherstepcloser.Thespacebetween
usislessthantwofeet,andwhenItrytoinchawayfromhimmybackhitsthe
bookcase.“Doesthatsurpriseyou,Theresa?”
“StopcallingmeTheresa.”Hehasmecornered.
“That’syourname,isn’tit?”Hesmirks,hismoodslightlylightening.
Isighandturnawayfromhim,basicallyfacingintothewallofbooks.Ihave
noideawhereI’mgoing,butIneedtogetawayfromHardinbeforeIslaphim.
Orcry.Ithasbeenalongday,soIwillmostlikelycrybeforeslappinghim.And
whatasightthatwouldbe.
Iturnandpushpasthim.
“She can’t stay in here,” he says as I pass. When I turn around he has the
smallringinhislipbetweenhisteeth.Whatmadehimdecidetoputaholeinhis
lipandeyebrow?Thathadtobepainful...thoughtheone piecedoesaccent
justhowfullandroundhislipsare.
“Whynot?Ithoughtyouguyswerefriends?”
“Weare,” he says, “but no one stays in my room.” His arms cross over his
chest,andforthefirsttimesinceImethim,Icanmakeouttheshapeofoneof
histattoos.It’saflower, printedinthe middle ofhiscovered forearm. Hardin,
with a flower tattoo? The black and gray design resembles a rose from this
distance, but there is something surrounding the flower that takes the beauty
fromit,addingdarknesstothedelicateform.
Feelingbraveandannoyed,Iletoutalaugh.“Oh...Isee.Soonlygirlswho
makeoutwithyoucancomeintoyourroom?”Asthewordsleavemymouthhis
smilegrows.
“Thatwasn’tmyroom.Butifyou’retryingtosayyouwanttomakeoutwith
me,sorry,you’renotmytype,”hesays.I’mnotsurewhybuthiswordshurtmy
feelings.Hardinisfarfrommytype,butIwouldneveractuallysaythattohim.
“You are . . . you are .. .” I can’tfind the words to express my annoyance
toward him. The music through the wall is like an itching sensation. I’m
embarrassed, annoyed, and exhausted from the party. Arguing with him isn’t
worthit.“Well...thenyoutakehertoanotherroom,andI’llfindawaybackto
thedorms,”Isayandheadforthedoor.
AsIgothroughitandslamitshutbehindme,eventhroughthenoiseofthe
party,IhearHardin’smocking“Goodnight,Theresa.”
chapterten
Ican’thelpthetearsthatfalldownmycheeksasIreachthetopofthestairs.I
hatecollegesofar—andmyclasseshaven’tevenstarted.Whycouldn’tIjustget
a roommate who was more like me? I should be asleep now, preparing for
Monday.Idon’tbelongatpartieslikethis,andIcertainlydon’tbelonghanging
outwiththesetypeofpeople.IdolikeSteph,butIjustdon’thaveitinmeto
dealwithascenelikethisandpeoplelikeHardin.He’ssuchamysterytome;
whymusthealwaysbesuchajerk?ButthenthenextthingIthinkofisthatwall
of books of his—why does he have all of them? There is no way a rude,
disrespectful, tattooed jerk like Hardin could possibly enjoy those amazing
works.TheonlythingIcanpicturehimreadingisthebackofabeerbottle.
Dabbing at my wet cheeks, I realize I have no idea where this house is
located,orhowtogetbacktothedorms.ThemoreIthinkaboutmydecisions
tonight,themorefrustratedandstressedIbecome.
I really should have thought this through; this is exactly why I plan
everything, so things like this don’t happen. The house is still packed and the
musicistooloud.Nateisnowheretobefound;neitherisZed.MaybeIshould
justfind a randombedroom upstairsandsleep onthe floor? Thereare atleast
fifteen rooms up there, and maybe I will get lucky and find an empty one?
Despitemyeffortstoconcealmyemotions,Ican’t,andIdon’twanttogodown
andhaveeveryoneseemelikethis.Iturnback,findthebathroomIwasinwith
Steph,andsitonthefloorwithmyheadbetweenmyknees.
IcallNoahagain,andthistimeheanswersonthesecondring.
“Tess?It’slate,areyouokay?”hesays,hisvoicegroggy.
“Yes.No.IwenttoastupidpartywithmyroommateandnowIamstuckata
frat house with nowhere to sleep and no way to get back to my room,” I sob
through the line. I know my problem isn’t life or death, but I’m beyond
frustratedatmyselfforgettingintothisoverwhelmingsituation.
“Aparty?Withthatredheadgirl?”Hesoundssurprised.
“Yeah,withSteph.Butshe’spassedoutupstairs.”
“Whoa,whyareyouevenhangingoutwithher?She’sso...justnotsomeone
youwouldeverhangaroundwith,”hesays,andthescorninhisvoiceirritates
me. I wanted him to tell me it will be okay, that tomorrow is a new day,
somethingpositiveandencouraging.Somethingnotsojudgmentalandharsh.
“That isn’t the point, Noah . . .” I said with a sigh, but right then the door
handlejinglesandIsitup.“Justaminute!”Icalltothepersonoutsideandwipe
atmyeyeswithsometoiletpaper,butthatonlysmearstheeyelinerevenmore.
ThisisexactlywhyIdon’twearthisstuff.
“Iwillcallyouback;someoneneedsthebathroom,”IsaytoNoahandhang
upbeforehecanprotest.
WhoeversontheothersideofthedoorbeginspoundingonitandIgroanasI
hurrytoopenit,wipingmyeyesagain.“Isaidjustamin—”
ButIstopasglaringgreeneyespourintomine.
chaptereleven
As I look into those amazing green eyes, I suddenly realize that I hadn’t
previouslynoticedtheircolorbefore.AndthenIrealizethatit’sbecauseHardin
hasn’treallymadeeyecontactwithmeuntiljustnow.Amazing,deep,surprised
greeneyes.HardinlooksawayquicklywhenIpushpasthim.Hegrabsmyarm
andpullsmeback.
“Don’ttouchme!”Iyell,jerkingmyarmaway.
“Have you been crying?” he asks, his tone curious. If this wasn’t Hardin, I
mightactuallythinkhewasconcernedforme.
“Justleavemealone,Hardin.”
Hemovesinfrontofme,histallframeblockingmymovements.Ican’ttake
moreofhisgames,nottonight.
“Hardin,please.Iambeggingyou,ifyouhaveonedecentboneinyourbody
youwillleavemebe.Justsavewhatevermeancommentyouaregoingtosayfor
tomorrow.Please.”Idon’tcareifhehearstheembarrassmentanddesperationin
myvoice.Ijustneedtobeleftalonebyhim.
Aflashofconfusionshowsinhiseyesbeforeheopenshismouth.Hewatches
meforamomentbeforeanywordscomeout.“There’saroomdownthehallyou
cansleepin.It’swhereIputSteph,”heflatlystates.Iwaitasecondforhimto
saysomethingelse,buthedoesn’t.Hejuststaresatme.
“Okay,”Iquietlysayandhemovesoutofmyway.
“It’s the third door on the left,” he instructs and heads down the hall and
disappearsintohisbedroom.
Whatthehellwasthat?Hardinwithoutanyrudecomments?I knowI’m in
for it if I see him tomorrow. He’s probably got a planner for all his snide
comments like I do for my classwork, and I’m sure I’ll be on his agenda
tomorrow.
The third room on theleft is a plain room, much smallerthan Hardin’s and
withtwotwinbeds. It looksmorelikeadorm room thanthelargerspacethat
Hardinhas.Maybehe’stheleaderorsomething?Themorelikelyexplanationis
thateveryoneisafraidofhimandhebulliedhiswayintothelargestroom.Steph
islyingacrossthebedclosesttothewindow,soIkickoffmyshoesandcover
herwiththeblanketbeforelockingthedoorandlyingdownontheother.
MythoughtsareallovertheplaceasIfallasleep,andimagesofcloudedroses
andangrygreeneyesflowthroughmydreams.
chaptertwelve
WhenIwake,ittakesmymindamomenttoremembertheeventsoflastnight
thatledmetothisstrangebedroom.Stephisstillasleep,snoringunattractively
withhermouthwideopen.IdecidetowaituntilIknowhowwearegettingback
tothedormsbeforewakingher.Iquicklyputmyshoeson,grabmypurse,and
stepout.ShouldIknockonHardin’sdoorortrytofindNate?IsNateevenpart
of the frat? I would have never guessed that Hardin would be a part of an
organizedsocialgroup,somaybeNateis,too.
Steppingoversleepingbodiesinthehallway,Imakemywaydownstairs.
“Nate?” I call, hoping to hear a reply. There are at least twenty-five people
sleepinginthelivingroomalone.Thefloorislitteredwithredcupsandtrash,
which makes it hard to navigate through the mess, but also makes me realize
how clean the upstairs hallway actually was, despite the people there. When I
reachthekitchen,Ihavetoforcemyselfnottostartcleaningitup.Thiswilltake
thewholehousealldaytocleanup.IwouldlovetoseeHardincleaningupall
thistrash,andasthethoughtgoesthroughmyheadIgigglealittle.
“What’ssofunny?”
IturnaroundandfindHardinenteringthekitchen,atrashbaginhishand.He
sweepshisarmoverthecountertop,makingthecupsfallintothetrashbag.
“Nothing,”Ilie.“DoesNatelivehere,too?”
Heignoresmeandcontinuestoclean.
“Doeshe?”Iaskagain,moreimpatientthistime.“Thesooneryoutellmeif
Nateliveshere,thesoonerIcanleave.”
“Okay, now you have my attention. But, no, he doesn’t live here. Does he
seemlikeafratboytoyou?”Hesmirks.
“No,butneitherdoyou,”Isnapandhisjawtenses.
Hemovesaroundmeandopensthecabinetnexttomyhip,pullingoutaroll
ofpapertowels.
“Isthereabusthatrunsclosetohere?”Iask,notexpectingananswer.
“Yep,aboutablockaway.”
Ifollowhimaroundthekitchen.“Couldyoutellmewhereitis?”
“Sure.It’saboutablockaway.”Thecornersofhismouthlift,tauntingme.
Irollmyeyesandwalkoutofthekitchen.Hardin’smomentarycivilitylast
nightwasobviouslyaonetimethingandtodayhe’llbecomingatmefullforce.
AfterthenightIhad,Ican’tstandtobearoundhim.
IgowakeupSteph,whowakesupsurprisinglyeasilyandsmilesatme.I’m
gratefulthatshe’sjustasreadytogetoutofthisdamnedfraternityhouse.
“Hardin said there is a bus stop around the block,” I tell her as we walk
downstairstogether.
“Wearen’ttakingthedamnbus.Oneoftheseassholeswilltakeusbacktoour
room.Hewasprobablyjustgivingyouahardtime,”shesays,herhandresting
onmyshoulder.AsweenterthekitchenandfindHardinpullingsomebeercans
outoftheoven,she’sallauthority.“Hardin,youreadytotakeusbacknow?My
headispounding.”
“Yeah,sure,justgivemeaminute,”hesayslikehe’sbeenwaitingforusall
along.
DURINGTHEDRIVEBACKtothedormsStephsingsalongtowhatevermetal
song is playing through the speakers and Hardin rolls all the windows down,
despitemypoliterequeststorollthemup.Silentthewholeway,hemindlessly
drumshislongfingersonthesteeringwheel.NotthatIwaspayingattention.
“I’llcomebylater,Steph,”hetellsherassheclimbsoutofthepassengerseat.
ShenodsandwavesasIopenmydoor.
“Bye,Theresa,”hesayswithasmirk.IrollmyeyesandfollowStephintothe
dorm.
chapterthirteen
The rest of the weekend goes quickly and I manage to avoid seeing Hardin.
WhenIheadoutearlySundaytogoshopping,Ileavebeforehecancometothe
room,andIreturnafterhe’sapparentlyleft.
The new clothes I get fill up my small dresser, but as I put them away
Hardin’sobnoxiousvoiceplaysinmyhead:Youknowwearegoingtoaparty,
notchurch.
Isuspecthe’dsaythesameaboutthesenewoutfits,butI’vedecidedthatIam
nolongergoingtobegoingtopartieswithSteph,oranywherethatHardinmay
be.Heisn’tgoodcompanyandbickeringwithhimisexhausting.
Finallyit’sMondaymorning,myfirstdayofcollegeclasses,andIcouldn’tbe
moreprepared.IwakeupextraearlytomakesureIcantakeashower—without
boysaround—andnotberushed.Mywhitebutton-upshirtandtanpleatedskirt
areperfectlyironedandreadytobeputon.Igetdressed,pinmyhair,andput
my bag over my shoulder. I’m about to leave—about fifteen minutes early, to
ensure that I won’tbe late—when Steph’s alarm goes off. She hits the snooze
button,butIwonderifIshouldIwakeher.Herclassesmaystartlaterthanmine,
ormaybesheisn’tplanningongoing.Theideaofmissingthefirstdayofclasses
stressesmeout,butsheisasophomore,somaybeshehasitundercontrol.
With one last glance in the mirror, I head to my first class. Studying the
campusmapprovestohavebeenagoodidea,andIfindmyfirstbuildingwithin
twentyminutes.WhenIwalkintomyfreshmanhistoryclasstheroomisempty,
saveoneperson.
Sincethispersonobviouslycaresaboutbeingontime,too,Isitnexttohim.
Hecouldbemyfirstnewfriend.“Whereiseveryone?”Iask,andhesmiles.His
smilealoneputsmeatease.
“Probablyrunningacrosscampustobarelymakeithereontime,”hejokes,
andIinstantlylikehim.That’sexactlywhatIwasthinking.
“I’mTessaYoung,”Isayandgivehimafriendlysmile.
“LandonGibson,”hesayswithanequallyadorablesmileasthefirstone.We
spend the rest of the time before class talking. I find out that he’s an English
major,likeme,andhehasagirlfriendnamedDakota.Landondoesn’tmockme
or miss a beat in our easy conversation when I tell him that Noah is a grade
belowme.IdecidenowthatheissomeonewhomIwouldliketoseemoreof.
Astheclassbeginstofill,LandonandImakeapointtointroduceourselvesto
theprofessor.
Afterward,asthedaycontinues,Ibegintoregrettakingfiveclassesinsteadof
four.IrushtomyBritishLiteratureelective—thankingGodit’sthelastclassof
theday—andbarelymakeitontime.IamrelievedwhenIseeLandonsittingin
thefrontrow,theseatnexttohimempty.
“Heyagain,”hesayswithasmileasIsitdown.
Theprofessorbeginstheclass,handingoutthesyllabusforthesemesterand
givingabriefintroductionabouthimself,whatledtohimtobecomeaprofessor,
andhisexcitementforthetopic.Ilovethatcollegeisdifferentfromhighschool
and the professors don’t make you stand in front of the class and introduce
yourselfordoanyotherembarrassingandunnecessarythings.
In the middle of the professor explaining our reading lists, the door creaks
openandIhearmyselfgroanasHardinstumblesintotheclassroom.
“Great,”Isayundermybreathsarcastically.
“You know Hardin?” Landon asks. Hardin must have quite the reputation
aroundthecampusifsomeoneassweetasLandonknowsofhim.
“Sortof.My roommate isfriendswithhim. He’snot myfavoriteperson,”I
whisper.
AsIdoso,Hardin’sgreeneyeslockonmine,andIworrythathe’sheardme.
Whatwouldhedoifhehad?But,honestly,Idon’tcareifhedid—it’snotlikehe
isn’tawarethatwedon’tcareforeachother.
IfindmyselfcuriousaboutwhatLandonknowsabouthim,though,soIcan’t
helpbutask,“Doyouknowhim?”
“Yeah...he’s...”Hestopstalkingandturnsslightlytolookbehindus.I
lookupandseeHardinslidingintothedesknexttome.Landonstaysquietfor
therestoftheclass,keepinghiseyesfocusedontheprofessortheentiretime.
“THAT’SALLFORTODAY.IwillseeyouallagainonWednesday,”Professor
Hillsaysanddismissesus.
“Ithinkthiswillbemyfavoriteclass,”ItellLandonaswewalkoutside,and
heagrees.ButhisfacefallswhenwerealizeHardiniswalkingnexttous.
“Whatdoyouwant,Hardin?”Iask,givinghimatasteofhisownmedicine.It
doesn’t work, or I don’t have the right tone for it, because all he seems is
amused.
“Nothing. Nothing. I’m just so glad we have a class together,” he says
mockinglyandrunshishandsthroughhishair,shakingitandpushingitupon
his forehead. I notice an oddly shaped infinity symbol tattooed just above his
wrist,andhelowershishandasItrytostudythesurroundingink.
“I’llseeyoulater,Tessa,”Landonsays,excusinghimself.
“You would find the lamest kid in class to befriend,” Hardin says as he
watcheshimgo.
“Don’tsaythatabouthim;he’sasweetguy.Unlikeyou.”I’mshockedatmy
harshwords.Hereallybringsouttheworstinme.
Hardin turns back to me. “You’re becoming more feisty with each chat we
have,Theresa.”
“If you call me Theresa one more time . . .” I warn and he laughs. I try to
picture what he would look like without his tattoos and piercings. Even with
them,he’sveryattractive,buthissourpersonalityruinshim.
We begin walking along back in the direction of my dorm and get about
twentystepswhenallofasuddenheshoutsout,“Stopstaringatme!”turnsa
corner,anddisappearsdownapathwaybeforeIcaneventhinkofaresponse.
chapterfourteen
After several exhausting—but exciting—days, it’s finally Friday, and my first
weekofcollegeisalmostover.Feelingpleasedwiththewaytheweekhasgone
overall,Iplanonjustwatchingsomemovies,sinceStephwillmostlikelybeata
partyandit’llbequiet.Havingallmyclasses’syllabireallymakesthingseasier
forme,andIcandoalotoftheworkaheadoftime.Igrabmybagandleave
early,stoppingbythecafétograbacoffeetogetanextrashotofenergyforthe
beginningoftheweekend.
“Tessa,right?”agirl’svoicesaysbehindmeasIwaitinline.Iturnaroundto
findthepink-hairedgirlfromtheparty.Molly,IthinkStephcalledher.
“Yeah.That’sme,”Ianswerandturntofacethecounter,attemptingtoavoid
furtherconversation.
“Areyoucomingtothepartytonight?”sheasks.Shehastobemockingme,
so, sighing, I turn around again and am about to shake my head no when she
says,“Youshould,it’sgoingtobeawesome.”Sherunshertinyfingersovera
largefairytattooedonherforearm.
Ipauseforamoment,butdoshakemyheadandsay,“Sorry,Ihaveplans.”
“Toobad.IknowZedwantedtoseeyou.”AtthatIcan’thelpbutlaugh,but
sheonlysmiles.“What?Hewastalkingaboutyoujustyesterday.”
“Idoubtthat...butevenifhewas,Ihaveaboyfriend,”Itellher,causingher
smiletogrow.
“Toobad,wecouldhavedouble-dated,”shesaysambiguously,andIinwardly
thank God when the barista calls my order. In my haste, I grab the cup too
roughlyandalittlebitofcoffeelapsovertheedgeandburnsmyhand.Icurse,
hopingthatthisisn’tsettingthetoneformyweekend.Mollywavesgoodbyeto
meandIsmilepolitelybeforeIexittheshop.Hercommentsreplayinmymind;
Double-datewithwho?HerandHardin?Aretheyactuallydating?Asniceand
attractiveasZedmaybe,NoahismyboyfriendandIwouldneverdoanything
to hurt him. I know that we haven’t spoken much this week, but that’s only
becausewehavebothbeensobusy.Imakeamentalnotetocallhimtonightand
catchup,seehowhe’sbeendoingwithoutme.
After my coffee burn and awkward encounter with Miss Pink Hair,my day
improves. Landon and I had made plans to start meeting at the coffee shop
beforetheclasseswehavetogether,sohe’sleaningagainstthebrickwall,andas
Iwalkuptohimhegreetsmewithabigsmile.
“I’mleavingaboutthirtyminutesintoclasstoday.IforgottotellyouthatI’m
flyingbacktomy hometown fortheweekend,”he says. I’mhappyfor him to
visitDakota,butIhatetheideaofsittingthroughBritishLiteraturewithouthim,
andwithHardin,ifheshows.HewasabsentWednesday,notthatIwaspaying
attention.
Iturntohim.“Sosoon?Thesemesterjuststarted.”
“It’sherbirthdayandIpromisedhermonthsbackthatIwouldbethere.”He
shrugs.
INCLASS,Hardintakeshisseat next tomebutdoesn’tsayaword,not even
when, as promised, Landon leaves thirty minutes into class, which suddenly
makesmeevenmoreawareofHardin’spresencebesideme.
“Monday we begin our weeklong discussion of Jane Austen’s Pride and
Prejudice,”ProfessorHillannouncesasclassends.Idon’thidemyexcitement,
andI’mfairlysurethatIjustletoutasqueal.Ihavereadthatnovelatleastten
timesandit’soneofmyfavorites.
Althoughhehadn’treallysaidanythingtomeallduringclass,Hardinwalks
upclosebesideme.IswearIcouldalmostpredictwhathe’sgoingtosaywith
thatdeadpanlookinhiseyes.
“Letmeguess,youarejustmadlyinlovewithMr.Darcy.”
“Everywomanwhohasreadthenovelis,”Isaywithoutmeetinghiseyes.We
reachtheintersectionandIlookbothwaysbeforecrossingthestreet.
“Of course you do,” he laughs, continuing to follow me along the busy
sidewalk.
“I’msureyouaren’tabletocomprehendMr.Darcy’sappeal.”Mymindgoes
tothemassivecollectionofnovelsinHardin’sroom.Theycouldn’tpossiblybe
his.Couldthey?
“A man who is rude and intolerable being made into a romantic hero? It’s
ridiculous.IfElizabethhadanysense,shewouldhavetoldhimtofuckofffrom
thebeginning.”
I laugh at his choice of words but cover my mouth, stopping myself. I was
actuallyenjoyingourlittlebanter,andhispresence,butitwouldonlybeamatter
of time—three minutes, if I’m so lucky—until he says something hurtful.
Lookingup,Imeethisdimpledgrinandcan’thelpbutadmirehisgoodlooks.
Piercingsandall.
“SoyoudoagreethatElizabethisanidiot?”Heraiseshiseyebrow.
“No,sheisoneofthestrongest,mostcomplexcharacterseverwritten,”Isay
inherdefense,usingthewordsfromoneofmyfavoritemovies.
He laughs again and I join him. But after a few seconds, catching himself
having a decent laugh with me, he stops suddenly and his laughter fades.
Somethingflashesinhiseyes.“I’llseeyouaround,Theresa,”hesaysandturns
onhisheelanddisappearsbackwherewe’dcomefrom.
Whatiswithhim?BeforeIcanbegintoanalyzehisactions,myphonerings.
Noah’snameflashesacrossmyscreenandIfeeloddlyguiltyasIanswer.
“Hey,Tess,Iwasgoingtotextyouback,butIfiguredImightaswellcall.”
Noah’svoiceisclipped,abitdistant.
“Whatareyoudoing?Yousoundbusy.”
“No,justonmywaytomeetsomefriendsatthegrill,”heexplains.
“Okay, well, I won’t keep you. I’m so glad it’s Friday. I am ready for the
weekend!”
“Areyougoingtoanotherparty?Yourmomisstilldisappointed.”
Wait—why did he mention it to my mother? I love that he has a close
relationshipwithher,butsometimesdatinghimislikehavinganannoyinglittle
brotherwhotattlesonme.Ihatetocomparehimthatway,butit’strue.
Ratherthangettingintoitwithhim,Ijusttellhim,“No,I’mstayinginthis
weekend.Imissyou.”
“Imissyoutoo,Tess.Somuch.Callmelater,okay?”
Iagreeandweexchange“Iloveyou’s”beforehangingup.
WHENIGETBACKTOMYROOM,Stephisgettingreadyforanotherparty,
whichI assumeis theone Mollymentioned atthe café.I loginto Netflixand
browsethemovies.
“Ireallywishyouwouldcome.Iswearwewon’tstayovernightthistime.Just
come for a little bit. Watching movies alone in this small room will be hell!”
Stephwhines,andIlaugh.Shecontinuestobegmewhilesheteasesherhairand
changesintothreedifferentoutfitsbeforedecidingonagreendressthatleaves
verylittletotheimagination.Thecrispcolorlooksreallygoodwithherbright
redhair,Ihavetoadmit.Ienvyherconfidence.I’mconfidenttoacertainextent,
butI’mawarethatmyhipsandbreastsarelargerthanmostwomenmyage. I
tend to wear clothes that hide my large bust, while she tries to draw as much
attentionaspossibletohers.
“Iknow...”Isay,humoringher.ButthenmylaptopscreenturnsblackandI
pressthepowerbuttonandwait...andwait.Theblackscreenremains.
“See! It’s a sign that you should come. My laptop’s at Nate’s apartment, so
youcan’tusemine.”Shesmirksandteasesherhairagain.
Lookingather,IrealizeIreallydon’twanttositinthedormalonewithout
anythingtodoorwatch.
“Fine,” I say, and she jumps up and down, clapping her hands. “But we’re
leavingbeforemidnight.”
chapterfifteen
IchangeoutofmypajamasandputonanewpairofjeansthatIhaven’tworn
yet.Theyarealittletighterthanmyusualpants,butI’mindesperateneedofa
triptothelaundryroom,soIdon’thavemuchofachoice.Myshirtisasimple
blackbutton-up,sleevelessshirtwithlacetrimontheshoulders.
“Wow,Iactuallylikeyouroutfitalot,”Stephtellsme.Ismileandshetriesto
offermeeyelineragain.
“Not this time,” I tell her, remembering how it smeared from my tears last
time.WhydidIagreetogobacktothatfrathouseagain?
“Okay.Mollyispickingusupinsteadof Nate; she just texted that she’ll be
hereanyminute.”
“Idon’tthinkshelikesme,”IsayasIcheckmyselfoutinthemirror.
Stephcocksherheadtooneside.“What?Shedoes.She’sjustbitchyandtoo
honestsometimes.AndIthinksheisintimidatedbyyou.”
“Intimidated?Byme?Whyonearthwouldshebeintimidatedbyme?”Isay
andlaugh.Stephclearlyhasthisbackward.
“Ithinkjustbecauseyou’resodifferentfromus,”shesaysandsmiles.Iknow
I’mdifferentfromthem,buttometheyarethe“different”ones.“Don’tworry
abouther,though;she’llbeoccupiedtonight.”
“ByHardin?”IaskbeforeIcanstopmyself.Icontinuetolookatthemirror,
butIcan’thelpbutnoticethewaysheislookingatmewithoneeyebrowraised.
“No,byZedprobably.Shechangesguyseveryweek.”
That’saharshthingtosayaboutafriend,butshejustsmilesandadjustsher
top.
“Sheisn’tdatingHardin?”Theimageofthemmakingoutonthebedcomesto
mind.
“Noway.Hardindoesn’tdate.Hefuckswithalotofgirls,buthedoesn’tdate
anyone.Ever.”
“Oh,”isallImanagetosay.
THE PARTY TONIGHT is the same as last week. The lawn and house are
crowdedwithdrunkpeopleeverywhere.Whydidn’tIjuststayinandstareatmy
ceiling?
Molly disappears as soon as we arrive, and I end up getting a spot on the
couchandamsittingthereforatleastanhourwhenHardinwalksby.
“Youlook...different,”hesaysafterashortpause.Hiseyesrakedownmy
bodyandbackuptorestonmyface.Hedoesn’teventrytobesubtleaboutthe
way he’s assessing me. I stay silent until his eyes meet mine. “Your clothes
actuallyfityoutonight.”
Irollmyeyesandadjustmyshirt,suddenlywishingIwaswearingmynormal
looseclothing.
“It’sasurprisetoseeyouhere.”
“I’m a bit surprised that I ended up here again,” I say and walk away from
him. He doesn’t follow, but for some reason I find myself wishing he would
have.
Afewhourslater,Stephisdrunkagain.Well,asmuchaseveryoneelseis.
“Let’splayTruthorDare,”Zedslursandtheirsmallgroupoffriendsgather
aroundthecouch.MollypassesabottleofclearalcoholtoNateandhetakesa
swig.Hardin’shandissolargethatitcovershisentireredcupashetakesasip.
Anotherpunk-lookinggirljoinsthegame,makingitHardin,Zed,Nate,Nate’s
roommateTristan,Molly,Steph,andthenewgirl.
I’mjustthinkingthatadrunkengameofTruthorDarecan’tpossiblyendwell
whenMollysayswithawickedsmile,“Youshouldplay,too,Tessa.”
“No,I’drathernot,”Itellherandfocusmyattentiononabrownstainonthe
carpet.
“To actually play, she would have to stop being a prude for five minutes,”
HardintellsthemandtheyalllaughexceptSteph.Hiswordsangerme.Iamnot
a prude. Yeah, I will admit I’m not by any means wild, but I’m not some
cloisterednun.IglareatHardinandsitdowncross-leggedintheirlittlecircle,
between Nate and another girl. Hardin laughs and whispers something to Zed
beforetheystart.
ThefirstfewtruthsanddaresincludeZedbeingdaredtochuganentirecanof
beer,Mollybeingdaredtoflashherbarechesttothegroup,whichshedoes,and
Stephrevealingthetruththathernipplesarepierced.
“Truthordare,Theresa?”HardinasksandIgulp.
“Truth?”Isqueak.
Helaughsandmutters,“Ofcourse,”butIignorehimasNaterubshishands
together.
“Okay.Areyou...avirgin?”Zedasks,andIchoke.Nooneseemsfazedby
theintrusivequestionbesidesme.Ifeeltheheatinmycheeksandthehumorin
everyone’sfaces.
“Well?”Hardinpresses.DespitehowmuchIwanttorunawayandhide,Ijust
nod.OfcourseI’mavirgin;thefurthestNoahandIhavegoneismakingoutand
someslightgroping,overourclothes,ofcourse.
Still,nooneseemsoutrightsurprisedbymyanswer,justintrigued.
“So you have been dating Noah for two years and you haven’t had sex?”
Stephasks,andIshiftuncomfortably.
I just shake my head. “Hardin’s turn,” I say quickly, hoping to take the
attentionoffmyself.
chaptersixteen
Dare,”HardinanswersbeforeIevenaskhim.Hisgreeneyesborethroughme
withanintensitythatsaysI’mtheoneonthespot,thatI’mtheonedaredtodo
something.
AndI falter, nothaving really thought this out, or expecting to bemet with
suchareaction.WhatshouldIdarehimtodo?Iknowhewilldowhateveritis,
justbecausehewon’twanttobackdownfromme.
“I...hmm.Idareyouto...”
“Towhat?”hesaysimpatiently.Ialmostdarehimtosaysomethingniceabout
eachpersoninthegroupbutIdecideagainstit,howeveramusingitwouldhave
been.
“Takeyourshirtoffandkeepitofftheentiregame!”Mollyyellsout,andI’m
glad. Not because Hardin will be taking his shirt off, of course, but because I
couldn’t think of anything and it eases the pressure of my having to give him
orders.
“How juvenile,” he complains, but he lifts his shirt over his head. Without
meaningto,myeyesgodirectlytohislongtorsoandthewaytheblacktattoo
inkstretchesacrosshissurprisinglytanskin.Underthebirdsonhischest,hehas
a large tree inked onto the skin of his stomach. The branches are bare and
haunting. His upper arms have many more tattoos than I expected; small,
seeminglyrandomimagesandiconsarescatteredalonghisshouldersandhips.
Stephnudgesme,andItearmyeyesawayfromhim,prayingthatnoonesaw
mestaring.
Thegamecontinues.MollykissesTristanandZedboth.Stephtellsusabout
herfirsttimehavingsex.Natekissestheothergirl.
HowdidIfindmyselfinthemiddleofthisgroupofhormonalcollegerock-
and-rollmisfits?
“Tessa,truthordare?”Tristanasks.
“Whyevenask?Weknowshewillsaytruth—”Hardinstarts.
“Dare,”Isay,surprisingthemandmyself.
“Hmm . . . Tessa, I dare you to . . . take a shot of vodka,” Tristan says,
smiling.
“Idon’tdrink.”
“That’sthepointofthedare.”
“Look,if you don’twanttodo it .. .”Nate starts tosay and Ilook overat
HardinandMollysharingalaughatmyexpense.
“Fine, one shot,” I say. I think Hardin will probably have yet another
contemptuousexpressionatthis,butwhenhiseyesmeetmine,Ifindhe’sgiving
meastrangelookinstead.
Someonehandsmetheclearbottleofvodka.Imistakenlyputmynoseagainst
the top, smelling the foul liquid, which burns my nostrils. I scrunch my nose,
tryingtoignorethechucklesbehindme.Itrynottothinkofallthemouthsthat
havebeenonthebottlebeforeme,andIjusttiltitback andtakeadrink.The
vodka feels hot and burns all the way down to my stomach, but I manage to
swallow it. It tastes horrible. The group claps and laughs a little—everyone
except Hardin. If I didn’t know him any better, I would think he was mad or
disappointed.Heissostrange.
Afterashorttime,Icanfeeltheheatinmycheeksandthen,later,thesmall
amount of alcohol in my veins that grows with each round that I am dared to
takeanothershot.Ioblige,andIhavetoadmitIfeelprettyrelaxedforonce.I
feelgood.Withthisfeeling,everythingseemsalittleeasier.Thepeoplearound
meallseemalittlemorefunthanbefore.
“Samedare,”Zedsayswithalaughandtakesaswigfromthebottlebefore
handingittomeforthefifthtime.Idon’tevenrememberthedaresandtruths
thathavebeenhappeningaroundmeforthelastfewrounds.ThistimeItaketwo
bigdrinksofthevodkabeforeit’srippedfrommygrasp.
“Ithinkyou’vehadenough,”HardinsaysandhandsthebottletoNate,who
takesadrink.
Whothehellis Hardin Scotttotellme when Ihavehadenough? Everyone
elseisstilldrinking,soIcan,too.IgrabthebottlebackfromNateandtakea
drinkagain,makingsuretogiveHardinasmirkasthebottletouchesmylips.
“Ican’tbelieveyouhaveneverbeendrunkbefore,Tessa.It’sfun,right?”Zed
asksandIgiggle.Thoughtsofmymotherslecturesonirresponsibilityfloodmy
mind,butIpushthemback.It’sonlyonenight.
“Hardin,truthordare?”Mollyasks.Heanswers“dare,”ofcourse.
“IdareyoutokissTessa,”shesaysandgiveshimafakesmile.
Hardin’s eyes go wide, and though the alcohol is making everything more
exciting,Ireallyjustwanttorunawayfromhim.
“No, I have a boyfriend,” I say, making everyone laugh at me for the
hundredthtimetonight.WhyamIevenhangingaroundthesepeoplewhokeep
laughingatme?
“So?It’sjustadare.Justdoit,”Mollysays,pressuringme.
“No, I’m not kissing anyone,” I snap and stand up. Without looking at me,
Hardinjust takesa drink from his cup.I hopehe’s offended.Actually, I don’t
careifheis.I’mthroughinteractingwithhimlikethis.Hehatesmeandisjust
toorude.
AsIgettomyfeet,thefulleffectofthealcoholhitsme.Istumblebutmanage
topullmyselftogetherandwalkawayfromthegroup.SomehowIfindthefront
doorthroughthecrowd.AssoonasI’moutside,thefallbreezehitsme.Iclose
my eyes and breathe in the fresh air before going to sit on the familiar stone
wall.BeforeIrealizewhatIamdoing,myphoneisinmyhands,dialingNoah.
“Hello?” he says. The familiarity of his voice and the vodka in my system
makememisshimmore.
“Hey...babe,”Isayandbringmykneestomychest.
A beat of silence passes. “Tessa, are you drunk?” His voice is full of
judgment.Ishouldn’thavecalledhim.
“No...ofcoursenot,”Ilieandhangupthephone.Ipressmyfingerdownon
thepowerbutton.Idon’twanthimto call back. He’sruiningthegoodfeeling
fromthevodka,worsethanevenHardindid.
Istumblebackinside,ignoringwhistlesandcrudecommentsfromdrunkfrat
guys. I grab abottle of brown liquor off the counter inthe kitchen and take a
drink,toobigofadrink.Ittastesworsethanthevodkaandmythroatfeelslike
it’s on fire. My hands fumble for acup of anything to get the tasteout of my
mouth.Iendupopeningthecabinetandusingarealglasstopoursomewater
from the sink. It helps the burn a little, but not much. Through a break in the
crowd, I see that the group of my “friends” are still sitting in a circle playing
theirstupidgame.
Aretheymyfriends?Idon’tthinktheyare.Theyonlywantmearoundsothey
can laugh at my inexperience. How dare Molly tell Hardin to kiss me—she
knowsthat I have a boyfriend. Unlike her, I don’tgo around making out with
everyone.I’vekissedonlytwoboysinmylife,NoahandJohnny,afreckle-faced
kidinthirdgradewhokickedmeintheshinafterward.WouldHardinhavegone
alongwiththedare?Idoubtit.Hislipsaresopinkandfull,andmyheadplays
animageofHardinleaningovertokissmeandmypulsebeginstorace.
Whatthe hell? Why am Ithinking about him like that? I am never drinking
again.
Minutes later, the room begins to spin and I feel dizzy. My feet lead me
upstairsto the bathroomand I sitin front of the toilet, expectingto throw up.
Nothing happens. I groan and pull myself up. I am ready to go back to the
dorms,butIknowStephwon’tbereadyforhours.Ishouldn’thavecomehere.
Again.
BeforeIcanstopmyself,myhandisturningtheknobontheonlyroomI’m
somewhat familiar with in this oversize house. Hardin’s bedroom door opens
without a problem. He claims to always lock his door, but he’s proving
otherwise.Itlooksthesameasbefore,onlythistimetheroomismovingaround
beneathmyunsteadyfeet. WutheringHeightsismissingfrom where itwason
theshelf,butIfinditonthebedsidetable,nexttoPrideandPrejudice.Hardin’s
commentsaboutthenovelreplayinmymind.Hehasobviouslyreaditbefore—
and understood it—which is rare for our age group, and for a boy especially.
Maybe he had to read it for class before, that’s why. But why is this copy of
WutheringHeightsout?Igrabitandsitonthebed, openingthebookhalfway
through.Myeyesscanthepagesandtheroomstopsspinning.
I’msolostintheworldofCatherineandHeathcliffthatwhenthedooropens,
Idon’thearit.
“What part of ‘No One Comes Into My Room’ did you not understand?”
Hardinbooms.Hisangryexpressionscaresme,butsomehowhumorsmeatthe
sametime.
“S-sorry.I...”
“Getout,”hespits,andIglareathim.Thevodkaisstillfreshinmysystem,
toofreshtoletHardinyellatme.
“Youdon’thavetobesuchajerk!”MyvoicecomesoutmuchlouderthanI
hadintended.
“You’reinmyroom,again,afterItoldyounottobe.Soget out!”heyells,
steppingclosertome.
And with Hardin looming in front of me, mad, seething with scorn and
makingitseemlikeI’mtheworstpersononearthtohim,somethinginsideme
snaps.AnycomposureIhadsnapsinhalf,andIaskthequestionthat’sbeenat
thefrontofmybrainwithoutmywantingtoacknowledgeit.
“Whydon’tyoulikeme?”Idemand,staringupathim.
It’safairquestion,but,tobehonest,Idon’treallythinkmyalreadywounded
egocantaketheanswer.
chapterseventeen
Hardinglaresatme.It’saggressive.Butunsure.“Whyareyouaskingmethis?”
“Idon’tknow.. .becauseIhavebeennothingbutnicetoyou, andyou’ve
beennothingbutrudetome.”AndthenIadd,“AndhereIactuallythoughtat
onepointwecouldbefriends,”whichsoundssostupidthatIpinchthebridgeof
mynosewithmyfingerswhileIwaitforhisanswer.
“Us?Friends?”Helaughsandthrowsuphishands.“Isn’titobviouswhywe
can’tbefriends?”
“Nottome.”
“Well,forstartersyou’retoouptight—youprobablygrewupinsomeperfect
littlemodelhomethatlookslikeeveryotherhouseontheblock.Yourparents
probablyboughtyoueverythingyoueveraskedfor,andyouneverhadtowant
foranything.Withyourstupidpleatedskirts,Imean,honestly,whodresseslike
thatateighteen?”
Mymouthfallsopen.“Youknownothingaboutme,youcondescendingjerk!
Mylifeis nothinglikethat! My alcoholicdad left uswhen I wasten, and my
motherworkedherassofftomakesureIcouldgotocollege.Igotmyownjob
assoonIturnedsixteentohelpwithbills,andIhappentolikemyclothes—sorry
ifIdon’tdresslikeaslutlikeallthegirlsaroundyou!Forsomeonewhotriestoo
hardtostandoutandbedifferent,yousurearejudgmentalaboutpeoplewhoare
differentfromyou!”Iscreamandfeelthetearswellupinmyeyes.
Iturnaroundsohewon’tgettoremembermelikethis,andInoticethathe’s
ballinghisfists.Likehegetstobeangryaboutthis.
“Youknowwhat,Idon’twanttobefriendswithyouanyway,Hardin,”Itell
himandreachforthedoorhandle.Thevodka,whichhadmademebrave,isalso
makingmefeelthesadnessofthissituation,ofouryelling.
“Whereareyougoing?”heasks.Sounpredictable.Somoody.
“TothebusstopsoIcangobacktomyroomandnever,evercomebackhere
again.Iamdonetryingtobefriendswithanyofyou.”
“It’stoolatetotakethebusalone.”
Ispinaroundtofacehim.“Youarenotseriouslytryingtoactlikeyoucareif
somethinghappenedtome.”Ilaugh.Ican’tkeepupwithhischangesintone.
“I’mnotsayingIdo...I’mjustwarningyou.It’sabadidea.”
“Well,Hardin,Idon’thaveanyotheroptions.Everyoneisdrunk—including
myself.”
Andthenthetearscome.IambeyondhumiliatedthatHardin,ofallpeople,is
seeingmecry.Again.
“Doyoualwayscryatparties?”heasksandduckshisheadalittle,butwitha
smallsmile.
“Apparently,wheneveryou’reatthem.AndsincethesearetheonlyonesI’ve
everbeento...”Ireachthedooragainandopenit.
“Theresa,” he says so soft that I almost don’t hear him. His face is
unreadable.TheroomstartstospinagainandIgrabontothedressernexttohis
door.“Youokay?”heasks.InodeventhoughIfeelnauseous.“Whydon’tyou
justsitdownforafewminutes,thenyoucangotothebusstation.”
“Ithoughtnoonewasallowedinyourroom,”Istate,thensitonthefloor.
Ihiccupandheimmediatelywarns,“Ifyouthrowupinmyroom...”
“IthinkIjustneedsomewater,”Isayandmovetostandup.
“Here,”hesays,puttingahandonmyshouldertokeepmedownandhanding
mehisredcup.
Irollmyeyesandpushitaway.“Isaidwater,notbeer.”
“Itiswater.Idon’tdrink,”hesays.
Anoisesomewherebetweenagaspandalaughescapesme.Thereisnoway
Hardin doesn’t drink. “Hilarious. You’re not going to sit here and babysit, are
you?”Ireallyjustwanttobealoneinmypatheticstate,andmybuzziswearing
off,soI’mstartingtofeelguiltyforyellingatHardin.“Youbringouttheworst
inme,”Imurmuraloud,notquitemeaningto.
“That’sharsh,”hesays,histoneserious.“Andyes,Iamgoingtosithereand
babysityou.Youaredrunkforthefirsttimeinyourlife,andyouhaveahabitof
touchingmythingswhenI’mnotaround.”Hegoesandtakesaseatonhisbed,
kickinghislegsup.Igetupandgrabthecupofwater.Takingabigdrink,Ican
taste a hint of mint on the rim and can’t help but think about how Hardin’s
mouthwouldtaste.ButthenthewaterhitsthealcoholinmystomachandIdon’t
feelsohot.
God,I am neverdrinking again, I remind myself as I sit back down on the
floor.
After a few minutes of silence Hardin finally speaks up. “Can I ask you a
question?”
ThelookonhisfacetellsmeIshouldsaynobuttheroom’sstillnotfeeling
entirelysolid,andIthinkmaybetalkingwillhelpmefocus,soIsay,“Sure.”
“Whatdoyouwanttodoaftercollege?”
I look up at him with new eyes. That is literally the last thing I thought he
wouldask.IassumedhewouldaskwhyI’mavirgin,orwhyIdon’tdrink.
“Well, I want to be an author or a publisher, whichever comes first.” I
probablyshouldn’tbehonestwithhim;hewilljustmakefunofme.Butwhen
he doesn’t say anything back, I start feeling brave and ask him the same
question,earninganeyerollfromhimbutnoanswer.
FinallyIask,“Arethoseyourbooks?”eventhoughit’sprobablyfutile.
“Theyare,”hemumbles.
“Whichisyourfavorite?”
“Idon’tplayfavorites.”
Isighandpickatasmallfrayonmyjeans.
“DoesMr.Rogersknowyou’reatapartyagain?”
“Mr.Rogers?”Ilookbackupathim.Idon’tgetit.
“Yourboyfriend.HeisthebiggesttoolIhaveeverseen.”
“Don’t talk about him like that, he is . . . he is . . . nice,” I stutter. When
Hardinlaughs,Istandup.Hedoesn’tknowNoahatall.“Youcouldonlydream
ofbeingasniceasheis,”Isaysharply.
Nice?That’sthefirstwordthatcomestoyourmindwhentalkingaboutyour
boyfriend?Niceisyour‘nice’wayofcallinghimboring.”
“Youdon’tknowhim.”
“Well, I know that he’s boring. I could tell by his cardigan and loafers.
Hardin’sheadrollsbackinlaughterandIcan’tignorehisdimples.
“Hedoesn’twearloafers,”Isay,buthavetocovermymouthsoIdon’tlaugh
withhimatmyboyfriend’sexpense.Igrabthewaterandtakeanotherdrink.
“Well,hehasbeendatingyoufortwoyearsandhasn’tfuckedyouyet,soI
wouldsayheisasquare.”
Ispitthewaterbackintothecup.“Whatthehelldidyoujustsay?”Justwhen
Ithinkwecangetalonghesayssomethinglikethat.
“Youheardme,Theresa.”Hissmileiscruel.
“You’reanasshole,Hardin,”Igrowlandthrowthehalf-emptycupathim.His
reactionisexactlywhatIhopedfor:completeshock.Whilehewipeswateroff
hisface,Istaggertomyfeetusingthebookshelfforleverage.Acoupleofbooks
fall to the ground, but I ignore all that and storm out of the room. I stumble
downstairs and push my way through the crowd into the kitchen. The anger I
feelhasovercomemynausea,andallIwantistogetHardin’sevilsmirkoutof
myhead.IspotZed’sblackhairthroughthecrowdintheotherroomandgoto
wherehe’ssittingwithacutepreppyboy.
“Hey,Tessa,thisismyfriendLogan,”Zedsays,introducingus.
Logansmilesatmeandoffersthebottlehe’sholding.“Wantsome?”heasks
andpassesittome.Thefamiliarburnfeelsgood;itignitesmybodyagainandI
momentarilyforgetaboutHardin.
“Have you seen Steph?” I ask, but Zed shakes his head. “I think she and
Tristanmayhaveleft.”
Sheleft?Whatthehell?Ishouldcaremorebutthevodkaskewsmyjudgment
andIfindmyselfthinkingsheandTristanwouldmakeacutecouple.Acouple
ofdrinkslater,Ifeelamazing.
Thismustbewhypeopledrinkallthetime.Ivaguelyrememberhavingsworn
offalcoholatsomepointtonight,butit’snotsobad.
FIFTEENMINUTESLATER,ZedandLoganhavemelaughingsohardthatmy
stomachhurts.TheyaremuchbettercompanythanHardin.“YouknowHardinis
arealass,”Itellthem,whichelicitswidegrinsfromthemboth.
“Yeah,hecanbesometimes,”Zedsaysandsnakeshisarmaroundme.Iwant
tomoveitbutIdon’twanttomakeitawkwardbecauseIknowhedoesn’tmean
anything by it. Soon the crowd starts to die down and I start to feel tired. It
dawnsonmethatIhavenowaytogetbacktothedorms.
“Dothebusesrunallnight?”Islur.Zedshrugs,andjustthenHardin’smopof
curlsappearsinfrontofme.
“You and Zed then?” His voice is thick with an emotion that I can’t quite
register.
Igetupandpushpasthim,buthegrabsmyarm.Hehasnoboundaries.“Let
goofme,Hardin.”Lookingforanothercuptotossinhisface,Isay,“I’mjust
tryingtofindoutaboutthebus.”
“Chill out . . . it’s three a.m. There is no bus. Your newfound alcoholic
lifestylehasyoustuckhereagain.”Thegleeinhiseyeswhenhesaysthisisso
mocking that it makes me want to smack him. “Unless you want to go home
withZed...”
Whenheletsgoofmyarm,IdogobacktothecouchwithZedandLogan,
because I know it will irritate him. After standing there and nodding for a
moment, he turns in a huff.Hoping that that same room from last weekend is
empty,ItellZedtotakemeupstairssowecanfindit.
chaptereighteen
We find the room. Unfortunately one of the beds is occupied by a snoring,
passed-outguy.
“Atleastthatbedisempty!”Zedsaysandlaughs.“I’mgoingtowalkbackto
myplace,ifyouwanttocome.Ihaveacouchyoucouldsleepon,”hesays.
Cuttingthroughthehazetotrytothinkclearlyforasecond,Iconcludethat
Zed,likeHardin,hooksupwithalotofdifferentgirls.IfIagreetothisitcould
meanIamofferingtokisshim...well.Ihaveafeelingwiththosegoodlooks
it’seasyforZedtogetgirlstodomorethankiss.
“IthinkIwilljuststayhereincaseStephcomesback,”Isay.
Hisfacefallsalittlebuthegivesmeanunderstandingsmile.Hetellsmetobe
carefuland givesme ahug goodbye.The doorcloses as he leaves and I can’t
help but lock it. Who knows who will come in? I look over at the comatose
snorerandfeelsecurethatheisn’twakingupanytimesoon.ThetirednessIfelt
downstairshassomehowfaded,mymindgoingbacktoHardinandhiscomment
abouthowNoahhasn’tsleptwithmeyet.ItmayseemstrangetoHardin,who’s
withadifferentgirleveryweekend,butNoahisagentleman.Wedon’tneedto
havesex;wehavefuntogetherdoingotherthingslike...well...wegotothe
moviesandgoforwalks.
Withthatinmind,Iliedown,butquicklyfindmyselfstaringattheceiling,
countingthetilesinanattempttogotosleep.Occasionallythedrunkguyrustles
aroundontheotherbed,buteventuallymyeyescloseandIbegintodriftoff.
“Ihaven’tseenyou...aroundherebefore,”adeepvoicesuddenlyslursin
myear.Ijumpupandhisheadbumpsmychin,causingmetobitemytongue.
Hishandisonthebed,inchesawayfrommythighs.Hisbreathingisraggedand
smellslikevomitandliquor.“What’syourname,cutie?”hebreathes,andIgag.
Iliftonethinarmuptopushhimawayfromme,butitdoesn’twork,andhejust
laughs.
“I’mnotgoingtohurtyou—we’rejustgoingtohavesomefun,”hesaysand
lickshislips,leavingastringofsalivadownhischin.
MystomachturnsandtheonlythingIcanthinktodoistokneehim,hard.
Hard and right there. He grabs his crotch and stumbles back, giving me my
chancetobolt.Oncemyshakyfingersfinallyopenthelock,Irushoutintothe
hallway,whereseveralpeoplegivemeoddstares.
“Come on, come back here!” I hear the disgusting voice say, not too far
behindme.Strangely,nobodyseemsfazedbyagirlbeingchaseddownthehall.
Heisonlyafewfeetaway,butfortunatelyissodrunkhekeepsstumblinginto
thewall.Myfeetactoftheirownaccord,takingmedownthehalltotheonly
placeIknowinthisdamnedfraternityhouse.
“Hardin!Hardin,pleaseopenthedoor!”Iyell,onehandbangingonthedoor
andonetryingtotwistthelockeddoorknob.
“Hardin!”Iscreamagainandthedoorfliesopen.Idon’tknowwhatmademe
cometohisroomofallplaces,butIwouldtakeHardin’sjudgmentalismoverthe
drunkguytryingtohavehiswaywithmeanyday.
“Tess?”Hardinasks,seemingconfused.Hewipeshiseyeswithhishand.He
iswearingonlyblackboxerbriefs,andhishairisjuttingoutalloverhishead.
Weirdly,Iammoresurprisedbyhowgoodhelooksthanbythefacthecalledme
“Tess”foronceinsteadof“Theresa.”
“Hardin, please can I come in? This guy . . .” I say and look behind me.
Hardinpushespastmeandlooksdownthehall.Hiseyesmeetmystalker,and
thecreepchangesfromscarytofrightened.Helooksatmeonemoretimebefore
turningaroundandwalkingbackdownthehall.
“Doyouknowhim?”Myvoiceisshakyandsmall.
“Yeah,getinside,”hesaysandpullsmebymyarmintohisroom.Ican’thelp
butnotethewayhismusclesmoveunderhisinkedskinashewalkstohisbed.
Hisbackhasnotattoosonit,whichisalittlestrangesincehischest,arms,and
stomach are covered. He rubs his eyes again. “Are you okay?” His voice is
raspierthaneverfromjustbeingwokenup.
“Yeah . . . yes. I’m sorry for coming here and waking you up. I just didn’t
knowwhat—”
“Don’t worry about it.” Hardin’s hand runs through his messy hair and he
sighs.“Didhetouchyou?”heasks,withoutanytraceofsarcasmorhumor.
“No,he tried,though. Iwas stupidenough tolock myselfin aroom witha
drunkstranger,soIsupposeit’smyfault.”Theideaofthatcreeptouchingme
makesmewanttocry,again.
“It’s not your fault that he did that. You aren’t used to this type of . . .
situation.” His voice is kind and totally the opposite of his usual tone. I walk
acrosstheroomtowardhisbed,silentlyaskinghimforpermission.Hepatsthe
bed,andIsitdownwithmyhandsinmylap.
“Ihavenoplansongettingusedtoit.ThisreallyisthelasttimeI’mcoming
here,ortoanyparties,forthatmatter.Idon’tknowwhyIeventried.Andthat
guy...hewasjustso...”
“Don’tcry,Tess,”Hardinwhispers.
Andthefunnythingis,Ihadn’trealizedIwas.Hardinbringshishandup,and
Ialmostflinchaway,butnotbeforethepadofhisthumbcapturesthetearfrom
mycheek.My lipspartin surprise fromhis gentle touch.Who is this guy and
whereisthesnarky,rudeHardin?Ilookuptomeethisgreeneyesandhispupils
dilate.
“Ihadn’tnoticedhowgrayyoureyesare,”hesays,solowthatIleancloserto
hearhim.Hishandisstillonmyface,andmymindisracing.Pullinghalfofhis
bottomlipinhismouth,hetakeshislipringbetweenhisteeth.Oureyesmeet,
andIlookdown,unsureofwhat’sgoingon.Butwhenheremoveshishand,I
look at his lips once more, and I can feel my conscience and my hormones
battling.
Butmyconscienceloses,andIcrashmylipsagainsthis,catchinghimtotally
offguard.
chapternineteen
IhavenoideawhatI’mdoing,butIcan’tstop.AsmylipstouchHardin’sIfeel
hissharpintakeofbreath.Hardin’smouthtastesjustlikeIhadimagined.Ican
tastethefainthintofmintonhistongueasheopenshismouthandkissesme.
Reallykissesme.HiswarmtonguerunsalongmineandIcanfeelthecoldmetal
of his lip ring on the corner of my mouth. My entire body feels like it’s been
ignited;Ihaveneverfeltlikethisbefore.Hebringshishandtomyface,cupping
myflushedcheeks,beforebothofhishandsgotomyhips.Hepullsbackalittle
andplantsasmallkissonmylips.
“Tess,” he breathes out, then quickly brings his mouth back to mine, his
tongueslidinginoncemore.Mymindisnolongerincharge;thesensationhas
takenovereveryinchofme.Hardinpullsmebymyhipsclosertohimashelies
backonthebed,neverbreakingourkiss.Unsureofwhattodowithmyhands,I
putthemagainsthischest,andthenclimbontohistorso.Hisskinishotandhis
chestismovingupanddownwithhisrapidbreaths.Hepullshismouthaway
frommineandIwhimperatthelossofcontact,butbeforeIcancomplainhe’sat
myneck.Ifeeleveryswipeandlickhistonguemakes.Hisbreathmovesacross
me.Hegrabsholdofmyhairtokeepmyheadjustabovehisashecontinuesto
kiss my neck. His teeth graze my collarbone and I moan, the feeling shooting
down my whole body when he begins gently sucking on my skin. I would be
embarrassedifIwasn’tsointoxicated,byHardinandthealcohol.Ihavenever
kissedanyonelikethis,notevenNoah.
Noah!
Isay,“Hardin...stop,”butIdon’trecognizemyvoice.It’slowandhusky,
andmymouthisdehydrated.
Hedoesn’tstop.
“Hardin!”I say again, my voice clearand sharp, and he lets go of my hair.
WhenIlookintohiseyes,theyaredarker,yetsofter,andhislipsareadeeper
pinkandswollenfromkissingme.“Wecan’t,”Isay.EventhoughIreallywant
tokeepkissinghim,IknowIcan’t.
Thesoftnessinhiseyesdisappearsandhepullshimselfup,knockingmeonto
theothersideofthebed.Whatjusthappened?
“I’msorry,I’msorry,”Isay,andtheyaretheonlywordsIcanthinkof.My
heartfeelslikeitwillexplodeanysecond.
“Sorryforwhat?”hesaysandwalksovertohisdresser.Hepullsoutablack
T-shirtandpullsitoverhishead.Myeyesgodowntohisboxersagainandthey
arenoticeablytighterinthefront.
Iflushandlookaway.“Forkissingyou...”Isay,thoughsomethinginme
reallydoesn’twanttoapologizeforthat.“Idon’tknowwhyIdidit.”
“Itwasjustakiss;peoplekissallthetime,”Ihearhimsay.
Hiswordshurtmyfeelingsforsomereason.NotthatIcareifhedidn’tfeel
whatIdid...WhatdidIfeel?IknowIdon’tactuallylikehim.Iamjustdrunk
andheisattractive.Ithasbeenalongnightandthealcoholmademekisshim.
Somewherein the backof my mind I fight down the thoughts of how much I
wantedittohappenagain.Hewasjustbeingsonice,that’swhy.
“Canwenotmakeabigdealofit,then?”Iask.Iwouldbehumiliatedifhe
toldanyone.Thisisn’tme.Idon’tgetdrunk,andIdon’tcheatonmyboyfriend
atparties.
“Trustme,Idon’twantanyonetoknowaboutthis,either.Now,stoptalking
aboutit,”hesnaps.
Andthere’shisarroganceagain.“Sonowyou’rebacktoyouroldself,Isee?”
“I never was anyone else—don’t think because you kissed me, basically
againstmywill,wehavesomesortofbondnow.”
Ouch.Againsthiswill?Icanstillfeelthewayhishandgrippedmyhair,the
way he pulled me on top of him, and the way his lips mouthed “Tess” before
kissingmeagain.
Ishootupoffthebed.“Youcouldhavestoppedme.”
“Hardly,”hescoffsandIfeellikecryingagain.Hemakesmetooemotional.
It’s too humiliating, toopainful how he’sbasicallysaying Iforced himto kiss
me.Iburymyheadinmyhandsforamomentandheadforthedoor.
“You can stay in here tonight since you have nowhere else to go,” he says
quietly,butIshakemyhead.Idon’twanttobeanywherenearhim.Thisisall
partofhislittlegame.HewilloffertoletmestayinhisroomsoI’llthinkheisa
decentperson,thenhewillprobablydrawsomevulgardesignonmyforehead.
“No,thanks,”Isayandwalkout.WhenIreachthestairs,IthinkIhearhim
callmynamebutIkeepgoing.Outside,thecoolbreezefeelswonderfulagainst
myskin,Isitonthefamiliarstonewallandturnmyphonebackon.It’salmost4
a.m.Ishouldbewakingupinanhourtogetanearlyshowerandstartstudying.
InsteadI’msittingonthisbrokenstonewall,aloneandinthedark.
With a few stragglers milling about, and unsure what to do, I pull out my
phoneandscrollthroughthetextmessagesfromNoahandmymother.Ofcourse
hetoldher.It’swhathewoulddo...
ButIcan’tevenbeupsetwithhim.Ijustcheatedonhim.Whatwouldgive
metheright?
chaptertwenty
Ablockawayfromthefrathouse,thestreetsaredarkandquiet.Theotherfrat
housesaren’tasbigasHardin’s.AfteranhourandahalfofwalkingandGPS-
obsessing,I finally reach the campus.Fully sober and figuring thatI might as
wellstayawake,Istopatthe7-Elevenandgrabacup.
As the caffeine hits me, I realize that there are so many things I don’t
understandaboutHardin.Like:whyisheinafraternitywithabunchofpreppy
richkidsifheispunk,andwhydoeshegofromhottocoldsoquickly?It’sall
academic musing, though, since I don’t know why I even bother to waste my
timethinkingabouthim,andaftertonightIambeyonddonetryingtobefriendly
withhim.Ican’tbelieveIkissedhim.ThatwasthebiggestpossiblemistakeI
couldhavemade,andthesecondIletmyguarddownheattacked,worsethan
ever. I’m not stupid enough to trust that he won’t tell anyone, but I hope his
embarrassmentoverkissing“thevirgin”willkeephimquiet.Iwilldenyituntil
thegraveifanyoneasks.
IneedtocomeupwithagoodexplanationformymotherandNoahformy
behaviortonight.Notthekissing—theywillneverknowaboutthat—butthatI
was at a party. Again. But I also really need to have a talk with Noah about
tellingmymotherthings;ifI’manadultnow,shedoesn’tneedtoknowwhatI
amdoingallthetime.
BythetimeIreachmydorm,mylegsandfeethurtandIactuallysighinrelief
asIturntheknob.
ButthenInearlyhaveaheartattackatthesightofHardinsittingonmybed.
“You’ve got to be kidding me!” I half scream when I finally regain my
composure.
“Where were you?” he asks calmly. “I drove around trying to find you for
almosttwohours.”
What?“What? Why?”As in,if hewas goingto do that, why didn’the just
offertotakemehomeearlier?Moreimportantly,whydidn’tIaskhimtoassoon
asIfoundouthehadn’tbeendrinking?
“I just don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be walking around at night,
alone.”
AndbecauseIcannolongerreadhisexpressions,andbecauseStephiswho-
knows-whereandI’maloneherewithhim,thepersonwhoseemstobethereal
dangertome,allIcandoislaugh.It’sawildlaugh,raggedandnotreallyme.
Andit’sdefinitelynotbecauseIfindthisfunny,butbecauseI’mtoodrainedto
doanythingelse.
Hardin furrows his brows, frowning at me, which only makes me laugh
harder.
“Getout,Hardin—justgetout!”
Hardin looks at me and runs his hands through his hair. Which is at least
something;inthelittletimethatIhaveknownthisfrustratingmanthatisHardin
Scott, I have learned that he does that when he is either stressed or
uncomfortable.RightnowIhopeit’sboth.
“Theresa,I’m—”hebegins,buthiswordsarecutoffbyaterriblepounding
onthedoor,andscreaming:“Theresa!TheresaYoung,youopenthisdoor!”
Mymother.It’smymother.At6a.m.,whenaboyisinmyroom.
ImmediatelyIspringintoaction,asIalwaysdowhenfacedwithheranger.
“OhmyGod,Hardin,getinthecloset,”Iwhisper-hissandgrabhisarm,yanking
himupoffthebedandsurprisingusbothwithmystrength.
He looks down at me, amused. “I am not hiding in the closet. You’re
eighteen.”
Hesaysit—andIknowhe’sright—buthedoesn’tknowmymother.Igroanin
frustrationandshepoundsagain.Thedefiancewithwhichhisarmsarecrossed
overhischesttellsmeI’mnotmovinghim,soIcheckthemirror,wipingatthe
bagsundermyeyes,andgrabmytoothpaste,smearingalittleonmytongueto
conceal the smell of vodka even beyond my coffee breath. Maybe all three
scentswillconfusehernoseorsomething.
I’m all ready with a pleasant face and greeting on my lips when I open the
door,butit’sthenthatIseemymotherhasn’tcomealone.Noahisstandingat
herside—ofcourseheis.Shelooksfurious.Andhelooks...concerned?Hurt?
“Hey.Whatareyouguysdoinghere?”Isaytothem,butmymotherpushes
bymeandgoesstraightforHardin.Noahslipssilentlyintotheroom,lettingher
takethelead.
“Sothisiswhyyouhaven’tbeen answeringyourphone?Becauseyouhave
this . . . this . . .” She waves her arms around in his direction. “Tattooed
troublemakerinyourroomatsixa.m.!”
Myblood boils.I amusually timidand sortof afraidwhen itcomes toher.
Shehasneverhitmeoranythingbutsheisn’tshywhenitcomestopointingout
mymistakes:
Youaren’twearingthat,areyou,Tessa?
Youshouldhavebrushedyourhairagain,Tessa.
Ithinkyoucouldhavedonebetterthanthatonyourtests,Tessa.
She always puts so much pressure on me to be perfect all the time, it’s
exhausting.
Forhispart,NoahjuststandsthereglaringatHardin,andIwanttoscreamat
both of them—actually at all three of them. My mother for treating me like a
child.Noahfortellingonme.AndHardinforjustbeingHardin.
“Isthiswhatyoudoincollege,younglady?Youstayupallnightandbring
boysbacktoyourroom?PoorNoahwasworriedsickaboutyou,andwedrive
allthiswaytofindyourunningaroundwiththesestrangers,”shesays,andNoah
andIbothgasp.
“Actually, I just got here. And she wasn’t doing anything wrong,” Hardin
says, and I am shocked. He has no idea what he is up against. Still: he’s an
immovable object, she’s an unstoppable force. Maybe this would be a good
fight.Mysubconscioustempsmetogrababagofpopcornandsitdowninthe
frontrowtowatch.
My mothers face gets mean. “Excuse me? I certainly was not speaking to
you. I don’t even know what someone like you is doing hanging around my
daughteranyway.”
Hardinabsorbstheblowmutelyandjustremainsstandingandstaringather.
“Mother,”Isaythroughmyteeth.
I’mnotsurewhyI’mdefendingHardin,butIam.Maybepartofitisthatshe
sounds a bit too much like how I treated Hardin when I first met him myself.
Noahlooksatme,thenatHardinandbacktomeagain.CanhetellthatIjust
kissedHardin?Thememoryisfreshinmymindandmakesmyskintinglejust
thinkingaboutit.
“Tessa,youareoutofcontrol.Icansmelltheliquoronyoufromhere,andI
canonlyassumethatthisistheinfluenceofyourlovelyroommateandhim,”she
says,punctuatingitwithanaccusingfinger.
“I am eighteen, Mother. I have never drank before and I didn’tdo anything
wrong.Iamjustdoingwhateveryothercollegestudentisdoing.I’msorrythat
mycellphonebatterydied,andthatyoudroveallthewayhere,butI’mfine.”
Suddenlyexhaustedfromthelastfewhours,Isitdownatmydeskchairaftermy
speechandshesighs.
Seeingmy resignation givesmymother acalmerdemeanor somehow;she’s
not a monster, after all. Turning to Hardin, she says, “Young man, could you
leaveusforaminute?”
HardinlooksatmeasifaskingifIwillbeokay.Inodandhenodsbackand
walksoutoftheroom.Noahswiftlyclosesthedoorbehindhim,hiseyestrailing
Hardinallthewhile.It’sastrangesensation,HardinandItogetheragainstmy
mother and my boyfriend. Somehow I know he’ll be waiting somewhere just
outsidethedooruntiltheyleave.
Forthenexttwentyminutes,mymothersitsonmybedandexplainsthatshe
isjustworriedaboutmeruiningmychanceatanamazingeducationanddoesn’t
want me to drink again. She also tells me that she doesn’t approve of my
friendship with Steph, Hardin, or anyone else in their group. She makes me
promisethatIwillstophangingaroundwiththem,andIagree.Aftertonight,I
don’t want to be around Hardin anyway, and I won’t be going to any more
partieswithSteph,sothere’snowaymymotherwillknowifIamfriendlywith
herornot.
Finally, she stands up and claps her hands together. “Since we are already
here,let’sgogetsomebreakfastandmaybedosomeshopping.”
Inodinagreement,andNoahsmilesfromwherehe’sleaningonmydoor.It
does sound like a good idea and I am starving. My thoughts are still a little
stifledbyalcoholandtiredness,butmywalkhome,thecoffee,andmymothers
lecturehavesoberedme.Iheadforthedoor,butstopwhenmymothercoughs.
“You’ll need to clean up a little and change, of course.” She smiles her
condescendingsmile.Igogetsomecleanclothesoutofmydresserandchange
inthecloset.Itouchuplastnight’smakeupandamreadytogo.Noahopensthe
doorforus,andweallthreelookatwhereHardinissittingonthefloor,leaning
against the door across the hall. When he looks up, Noah grasps my hand,
tightly,protectively.
Still,Ifindmyselfwantingtopullmyhandawayfromhim.Whatiswrong
withme?
“Wearegoingtogointotown,”ItellHardin.
In response, Hardin nods several times, like he’s answered some question
deep within himself. And for the first time he looks vulnerable, and maybe a
littlehurt.
Hehumiliatedyou,mysubconscious reminds me.Which is true,but I can’t
help feeling guilty as Noah pulls me along past Hardin and my mother gives
Hardinavictorysmile,causinghimtolookaway.
“Ireallydon’tlikethatguy,”Noahsays,andInod.
“Me,either,”Iwhisper.
ButIknowI’mlying.
chaptertwenty-one
BreakfastwithNoahandmymotherisagonizinglyslow.Mymothercontinues
tobringupmy“wildnight”andfindseveryopportunitytoaskmeifIamtired
or hungover. Granted, last night was very out of character for me, but I don’t
reallyneedtohearaboutitoverandover.Hasshealwaysbeenthisway?Iknow
she just wants the best for me, but she seems to be worse now that I’m in
college; or maybe being away from her for a week has given me a newfound
outlookonher.
“Where should we shop?” Noah asks between mouthfuls of pancake, and I
shrug.Iwishhehadjustcomealone.Iwouldlovetospendtimewithhim.Ido
needtohaveatalkwithhimaboutnottellingmymothereverydetailofmylife,
especiallythebad,andifwewerejustalonethatwouldbeeasier,too.
“Maybe we should go to the mall around the block. I’m not really familiar
withtheareayet,”Itellthem,cuttingthelastfewbitesofmyFrenchtoastinto
pieces.
“Haveyouthoughtaboutwhereyouwanttoworkyet?”Noahasks.
“I’m not sure yet. A bookstore maybe? I wish I could find an internship or
somethingrelatedtopublishingorwriting,”Itellthem,whichelicitsfrommy
motheranaward-winningproudsmile.
“Thatwouldbegreat,somewhereyoucouldworkuntilyoufinishcollegeand
thatcouldthenhireyoufull-time,”shesays,smilingagain.
Itrytohidemysarcasmwith“Yeah,thatwouldbeideal,”butNoahcatchesit
andgrabsmyhandtogiveitalittleconspiratorialsqueezeunderthetable.
AsIputmyforkintomymouth,themetalremindsmeofHardin’slipring.
And I pause for a moment. Noah catches this, too, and looks at me with
questioningeyes.
IneedtostopthinkingaboutHardin.Now.IsmileatNoahandpullhishand
uptokissit.
Afterbreakfast my mother drives usto the Benton Mall, whichis huge and
crowded.“IamgoingtogointoNordstrom’s,soI’llcallyouwhenIamready,”
shetellsus,tomyrelief.Noahtakesmyhandagainandwebrowsethrougha
bunchofstores.HetellsmeabouthissoccergameonFriday,andhowheshot
thewinninggoal.Ilistenintentlyandtellhimhowgreatitallsounds.
“You look nice today,” I tell him and he smiles. His perfect white smile is
adorable. He is wearing a maroon cardigan, khakis, and dress shoes. Yes, he
reallydoeswearloafers,buttheyarecuteandsomehowfithispersonality.
“Youdo,too,Tessa,”hesaysandIcringe.IknowIlooklikehell,butheis
too unfalteringly kind to tell me so. Unlike Hardin, who would tell me in a
heartbeat.Ugh,Hardin.DesperatelywantingtogetmymindoffMr.Rude,Ipull
Noahintomebytheneckofhiscardigan.WhenIgotokisshim,hesmilesbut
pullsaway.
“Whatareyoudoing,Tessa?Everyone’sstaringatus.”Hegesturestowarda
groupofadultstryingonsunglassesatakiosk.
Ishrugplayfully.“No,theyaren’t.Andsowhat?”Ireallydon’tcare;usuallyI
would,butIneedhimtokissme.“Justkissme,please,”Ipracticallybeg.
Hemustseethedesperationinmyeyesbecausehetiltsmychinupandkisses
me.It’sgentleandslow,nourgencybehindit.Histonguebarelytouchesmine
but it’s nice. Familiar and warm. I wait for a fire to ignite within me, but it
doesn’t.
I can’t compare Noah to Hardin. Noah is my boyfriend, whom I love, and
Hardinisajerkwhohasarosterofgirlshehooksupwith.
“What’sgottenintoyou?”NoahteasesasItrytopullhisbodyagainstmine.
Iflushandshakemyhead.“Nothing,Ijustmissedyou,that’sall,”Itellhim.
Oh...andIcheatedonyoulastnight,mysubconsciousadds.Ignoringthat,I
say,“But,Noah,couldyoupleasestoptellingmymotherwhenIdothings?It
makesmereallyuncomfortable.IlovethatyouareclosetoherbutIfeellikea
childwhenyoubasicallytellonme.”Itfeelsgoodtogetthatoffmychest.
“Tessa,Iamsosorry. Iwas justworried about you.I promiseI won’tdo it
again.Honestly.”Hewrapshisarmaroundmyshoulderandkissesmyforehead,
andIbelievehim.
The rest of the day is better than the morning, mostly because my mother
takesmetoasalonandIgetmyhairtrimmedandsomelayersaddedintoit.It
stillhangs down my back but with my new cut it has more volume and looks
much better. Noah showers me with compliments the entire drive back to my
dorm,and everythingjust feels right. I say goodbye tothem atthe front door,
once again promising to stay away from anyone with a tattoo and within a
hundred-mile radius. When I walk into my dorm room, I feel a tinge of
disappointmenttofinditempty,butI’mnotsureifIwashopingtoseeStephor
someoneelse.
I don’t even bother taking my shoes off before I lie in my bed. I’m too
exhaustedandinneedofsleep.Isleepthenightawayanddon’twakeupuntil
noon. When I wake up, Steph’s asleep in her bed. I go study for the rest of
Sunday,andwhenIreturnshe’sgone.Mondaymorningshe’sstillnotback,and
Istartfeelingastrongurgetocatchuponwhatshewasdoingallweekend.
chaptertwenty-two
Before heading to my first class, I stop to grab my usual at the coffeehouse,
whereLandoniswaitingformewithasmile.Afterourhellos,we’reinterrupted
byagirlaskingforintricatedirections,andsowedon’tgetthechancetocatch
upuntilwe’rewalkingtoourlastclassoftheday.TheclassthatalldayIhave
beendreading,butanticipating.
“Howwasyourweekend?”LandonasksandIgroan.
“Terrible, actually. I went to another party with Steph,” I tell him and he
makes a sour face and laughs. “I’m sure yours was much better. How is
Dakota?”
HissmilegrowsatthementionofhernameandIrealizethatIdidn’tmention
seeing Noah on Saturday. Landon tells me about Dakota applying to a ballet
companyinNewYorkandhowhappyheisforher.Allthewhile,Iwonderif
Noah’seyeslightuplikethatwhenhetalksaboutme.
As we walk into class, he’s telling me how his father and stepmother were
thrilledtoseehim,butIfindmyselfsearchingtheroomandnotlisteningvery
closelytohim;Hardin’sseatisempty.
“Won’titbehardifDakotaisgonesofar?”Imanagetoaskaswetakeour
seats.
“Well,wearealreadyfarfromeachothernow,butitworks.Ireallyjustwant
thebestforher,andifNewYorkisit,that’swhereIwanthertobe.”
Theprofessorwalksin,silencingus.Where’sHardin?Hewouldn’tskipclass
justtoavoidme,wouldhe?
We dive into Pride and Prejudice—a magical book that I wish everyone
wouldread—andbeforeIrealizeittheclassisover.
“You’vecutyourhair,Theresa.”Iturn aroundtoseeHardinsmilingbehind
me.HeandLandonexchangeawkwardstaresandItrytothinkofwhattosay.
He wouldn’t mention the kiss in front of Landon, would he? Those dimples,
deepasever,tellmethatyes,yeshewould.
“Hey,Hardin,”Isay.
“Howwasyourweekend?”Hisexpressionissosmug.
IpullLandonbythearm.“Good.Well,seeyouaround!”Iyellnervouslyand
Hardinlaughs.
Whenwe’reoutside,Landonasks,“Whatwasthatabout?”obviouslycatching
ontomystrangebehavior.
“Nothing,Ijustdon’tlikeHardin.”
“Atleastyoudon’thavetoseehimoften.”
Butthereissomethingbehindhisvoice,andwhywouldhesaythat?Doeshe
knowaboutthekiss?
“Um...yeah.ThankGod,”isallIcanmuster.
He pauses. “I wasn’t going to say anything, because I don’t want you to
associate me with him, but”—he smiles nervously—“Hardin’s dad is sort of
datingmymom.”
What?“What?”
“Hardin’sdad—”
“Yes, yes, I got that, but Hardin’s dad lives here? Why is Hardin here—I
thoughthewasBritish?Ifhisdadliveshere,whydoesn’thelivewithhim?”I
flood Landon with questionsbefore I can stop myself. He looks confused, but
lessnervousthanamomentago.
“He’sfromLondon;hisdadandmymomliveclosetothecampus,butHardin
andhisdaddon’thaveagoodrelationship.Sopleasedon’tmentionanyofthis
tohim.Wealreadydon’tlikeeachother.”
Inod.“Sure,okay.”Athousandmorequestionscometomymind,butIstay
quietasmyfriendgoesbacktotalkingaboutDakota,hiseyesbrighteningwith
eachwordabouther.
WHENIGETBACKTOMYROOM,Stephisn’tbackyetsinceherclassesrun
twohourspastmine.Istarttolayoutmybooksandnotestogetreadytostudy,
butdecidetocallNoahinstead.Hedoesn’tpickup,anditreallymakesmewish
he was here with me at college. It would make things so much easier and
comfortable.Wecouldbestudyingorwatchingamovietogetherrightnow.
Still, I know that I’m thinking about this because of my guilt about kissing
Hardinisconsumingme—Noahissosweetandhedoesn’tdeservetobecheated
on. I am so lucky to have him in my life. He’s always there for me, and he
knows me better than anyone. We have known each other basically our whole
lives. When his parents moved in down the street, I was ecstatic to have
someonemyagetohangoutwith,andthefeelingonlygrewasIgottoknow
himandlearnedhewasanoldsoullikeme.Wespentourtimereading,watching
movies, and bringing life into the greenhouse behind my mothers place. The
greenhousehasalwaysbeenmysafehaven;whenmydaddrankIwouldhidein
thereandnooneexceptNoahknewwheretofindme.Thenightmydadleftwas
a terrible night for me, and my mother refuses to speak of it, ever. Doing so
would shatter the perfect façade she has created for herself, but I still want to
talkaboutitsometimes.EventhoughIhatedhimfordrinkingsomuch,andfor
pushingmymotheraround,Istillfeltthedeepneedtohaveafather.Thatnight,
stowed away in the greenhouse while my dad screamed and went wild, I kept
hearingglassesshatteringinthekitchen,andthen,whenitstopped,footsteps.I
wasterrifiedmy fatherwascoming forme, but itwas Noah. AndI had never
beensorelievedinallmylifetoseesomeonesafe.Fromthatdayonwewere
inseparable.Over theyears, our friendship turned intomore, andneither ofus
haseverdatedanyoneelse.
I text Noah that I love him and decide to take a catnap before I begin my
studies.Ipulloutmyplannerandcheckmyworkonemoretime,Icansurelyfit
inatwenty-minutenap.
Noteventenminutesintomynap,there’saknockatthedoor.FiguringSteph
musthaveforgottenherkey,Igroggilypullthedooropen.
Ofcourseitisn’ther.It’sHardin.
“Stephisn’tbackyet,”Isayandwalkbacktomybed,leavingthedooropen
for him. I’m a little surprised he even bothered to knock, since I know Steph
gavehimanextrakeyasbackupforherself.Iwillhavetotalktoheraboutthat.
“Icanwait,”hesaysandplopsdownonSteph’sbed.
“Suit yourself.” I groan, ignoring his chuckle as I pull the blanket over my
body and close my eyes. Or rather, trying to ignore it. There is no way I am
goingtobeabletosleepknowingthatHardinisinmyroom,butIwouldrather
pretend-sleep than face the awkward, rude talk we are bound to have. I try to
ignorethesoundofhimgentlytappingtheheadboardofherbeduntilmyalarm
goesoff.
“Goingsomewhere?”heasksandIrollmyeyeseventhoughhecan’tseeme.
“No,Iwastakingatwenty-minutenap,”Itellhimandsitup.
“Youset an alarmto makesure your napis onlytwentyminutes?” hesays,
amused.
“Yeah,Ido.Sowhat’sittoyou,anyway?”Igrabmybooksandlaythemout
neatly,inorderofmyclassschedule,andstackthenotesforeachclassontopof
them.
“AreyouOCDorsomething?”
“No,Hardin.Noteveryone’scrazybecausetheyjustlikethingsacertainway.
There’snothingwrongwithbeingorganized,”Isnap.
Andhelaughs,ofcourse.Irefusetolookathim,butoutofthecornerofmy
eye,Icanseehimpushingupoffthebed.
Pleasedon’tcomeoverhere.Pleasedon’tcome...
Andthenhe’sstandingoverme,lookingdownatwhereIsitonmybed.He
grabsmyLiteraturenotesandturnsthemoveracoupleoftimesexaggeratedly
likehe’sstaringatarareartifact.Ireachupforthembut—liketheannoyingjerk
heis—heliftsthemhigher,soIstandandswipeatthem.Buthetossesthemin
theairandtheyfalltothegroundinascatteredmess.
“Pickthoseup!”Idemand.
Hesmirksandsays,“Okay,okay,”butjustgrabsmySociologynotesanddoes
thesamethingtothem.Iscrambletopickthemupbeforehestepsonthem,but
that’sonlyfunnytohim.
“Hardin,stop!”Iyell,justashedoesthesamewiththenextstack.Infuriated,
Istandupandshovehimawayfrommybed.
“Youmean,someonedoesn’tliketheirstuffbeingmessedwith?”heasks,still
laughing.Whymusthealwayslaughatme?
“No!Idon’t!”Iyellandgotoshovehimagain.Hestepstowardmeandgrabs
mywrists,pushingmebackagainstthewall.Hisfaceisinchesfrommine,and
suddenlyI’mawareI’mbreathingwaytoohard.Iwanttoscreamathimtoget
offme,toletmego,anddemandthatheputmyworkback.Iwanttoslaphim,
tomakehimleave.ButIcan’t.I’mfrozenagainstthewallandmesmerizedby
hisgreeneyesburningintomine.“Hardin,please,”aretheonlywordsIfinally
find.Buttheyaresoft.AndI’mnotsureifIambegginghimtoletmego,orkiss
me.Mybreathingstillhasn’tslowed;Icanfeelhisincreasing,thewayhischest
risespowerfully.Secondsfeellikehours,andfinallyheremovesonehandfrom
mywrists,buttheotherislargeenoughtoholdboth.
For a second, I think he might slap me. But his hand moves up to my
cheekboneandthenhegentlytucksmyhairbehindmyear.IswearIcanhear
hispulseashebringshislipstomine—andthefirecracklesundermyskin.
ThisiswhatIhavebeenlongingforsinceSaturdaynight.IfIcouldonlyfeel
onethingfortherestofmylife,thiswouldbeit.
I don’t let myself think about why I am kissing him again or what terrible
thinghewillsayafterward.AllIwanttofocusonisthewayhepresseshisbody
againstminewhenheletsgoofmywrists,pinningmetothewall,andtheway
hismouthtasteslikemintagain.Thewaymytonguesomehowfollowshis,and
thewaymyhandsslideoverhisbroadshoulders.Hishandsgripthebacksofmy
thighsandheliftsmeup,mylegsinstinctivelywrappingaroundhiswaist,and
I’mamazedatthewaymybodysomehowknowshowtorespondtohim.Ibury
myfingersinhishair,gentlytuggingatitwhilehewalksbacktowardmybed,
hislipsstillmoldedtomine.
Theresponsiblevoiceinsidemyheadfindsherwayin,remindingmethatthis
is a terrible idea—but I push her back. I am not stopping this time. I pull
Hardin’s hair harder, earning a moan from him. The sound elicits one of my
own,thetwomixinginthemostheavenlyway.ItisthehottestsoundIhaveever
heardandIwanttodoanythingIcantohearitagain.Hesitsbackonmybed,
pullingmesoI’monhislap.Hislongfingersdigintomyskin,butthepainis
wonderful. My body begins gently rocking back and forth on his lap, and his
griptightens.
“Fuck,”hebreathesintomymouth,andIexperienceasensationIhavenever
feltbeforeasIfeelhimhardenagainstme.
HowfarwillIletthisgo?Iaskmyself,butIdon’thaveananswer.
His hands find the hem of my shirt, and he tugs at it, pulling it up. I can’t
believeI’mlettinghim,butIdon’twanttostop.Hepullsawayfromourheated
kisstogettheshirtovermyhead.Hiseyesmeetmine,thengodowntomychest
ashetakeshislipbetweenhisteeth.
“You’resosexy,Tess.”
Theideaofdirtytalkneverappealedtome,butsomehowHardinsayingthose
wordsbecomesthemostsensualthingIhaveeverheard.Ineverbuyanyfancy
underwearbecausenoone,literallynoone,everseesthem,butrightnowIwish
Ihad somethingbesides thisplain black bra. He’s probably seen every type of
bra there is, the annoying voice in my head reminds me. To try to get such
thoughts out of my head, I rock harder against his lap, and he wraps his arms
aroundmybackandpullsmybodytohis,ourcheststouching...
Thedoorhandlejingles.IpushmyselfoffHardin’slapandthrowmyshirton,
thetranceIwasinimmediatelybroken.
StephstepsthroughthedoorandstopsshortwhensheseesmeandHardin.As
shetakesinthescenebeforeher,hermouthformsanO.
Iknowmycheeksare brightrednotonlyfromtheembarrassmentbut from
thewayHardinhasmademefeel.
“WhatthehelldidImiss?”shegasps,staringatusbothwithahugegrin.I
swearhereyesarepracticallyclappingwithglee.
“Nothing much,” Hardin says and stands. He walks to the door and doesn’t
look back as he walks out of the room, where I’m left panting and Steph
laughing.
“What the actual hell was that!?” she asks me and then covers her face in
mockhorror.But she’s tooexcited bythe gossip and pops backquickly.“You
andHardin...YouandHardinarelikemessingaround?”
I turn and pretend to look through the stuffon mydesk. “No! Noway! We
aren’tmessingaround,”Itellher.Arewe?No,wejusthappenedtokiss,twice.
And he took my shirt off, and I was basically humping him—but we aren’t
messingaround,likeregularly.“Ihaveaboyfriend,remember?”
Shecomesovertofaceme.“So...thatdoesn’tmeanyoucan’tmessaround
withHardin—Ijustcan’tbelieveit!Ithoughtyouguyshatedeachother.Well,
Hardinhates everyone.But I thought he hated you evenmore than hisnormal
hatredforpeople,”shesays,thenlaughs.“Whendidthiseven...howdidthis
happen?”
I sit on her bed and run my fingers through my hair. “I don’t know. Well,
SaturdaywhenyouleftthepartyIendedupinhisroombecausethiscreeptried
tohitonme,andthenIkissedHardin.Wepromisedtoneverspeakofitagain—
butthenhecamebytodayandhestartedmessingwithme,notinthatway.”I
pointatthebed,whichonlymakeshersmirkgrow.“Likehewasthrowingmy
stuffaroundandIpushedhimandthensomehowweendeduponthebed.”
ItsoundssobadasIrepeatit.Ireallyamactingsooutofcharacter,justlike
mymothersaid.Iputmyhandsovermyface.HowcouldIdothistoNoah—
again?
“Whoa,thatsoundshot,”Stephsays,andIrollmyeyes.
“It’s not—it’sterrible andwrong. I love Noah, and Hardin isa jerk.I don’t
wanttobeanotherconquestofhis.”
“YoucouldlearnalotfromHardin...youknowsexually.
Mymouthfallsopen.Issheserious?Isthatsomethingshewoulddo...wait,
hasshe?HerandHardin?
“No way, I don’t want to learn anything from Hardin. Or anyone besides
Noah,” I tell her. I can’t imagine Noah and I making out like that. My mind
replaysHardin’swords:You’resosexy,Tess.Noahwouldneversaysomething
likethat—noonehasevercalledmesexybefore.IfeelmycheeksheatupasI
thinkaboutit.“Haveyou?”Iaskalittlesheepishly.
“WithHardin?No.”Andsomethinginsidemefeelsbetterwhenshesaysthat.
Butthenshecontinues.“Well...Ihaven’thadsexwithhim,butwehadalittle
flingwhenwefirstmet,asembarrassingasthatistoadmit.Butnothingcame
fromit;weweresortoffriendswithbenefitsforaboutaweek.”Shesaysitlike
it’snobigdeal,butIcan’thelpthejealousythatstirsinsideme.
“Oh . . . benefits?” I ask. My mouth is completely dry and I find myself
suddenlyannoyedbySteph.
“Yeah,nothingtoobig.Justlikeafewheavymakeoutsessions,agropehere
and there. Nothing serious,” she says and my chest hurts. I’m not surprised
really,butIwishIwouldn’thaveasked.
“Does Hardin have a lot of friends with benefits?” I don’t want to hear the
answer,butIcan’thelpasking.
Shesnortsandsitsdownonherbedacrossfromme.“Yeah,hedoes.Imean,
notlikehundreds,buthe’sapretty...activeguy.”
Icantellshe’sseenhowIreactedandistryingtosugarcoatitformysake.I
make the mental decision for what feels like the hundredth time to stay away
fromhim.Iwillnotbeanyone’sfriendswithbenefits.Ever.
“Hedoesn’tdoittobemeanorusegirls;theyprettymuchthrowthemselves
athim,andhe lets them knowfromthestartthat he doesn’tdate,”shesays.I
rememberher tellingme thatbefore. But it’s not like hesaid thatto mewhen
we...
“Whydoesn’thedate?”Whycan’tIstopaskingthesequestions?
“Idon’tknow,really...Listen,”shesays,hervoicefullofconcern,“Ithink
youcouldhavealotoffunwithHardin,butIalsothinkthiscouldbedangerous
foryou.Unlessyouknowyouwillneverdevelopanysortoffeelingsforhim,I
wouldstayaway.Ihaveseenalotofgirlsfallforhimandit’snotpretty.”
“Oh, trust me, I do not have feelings for him. I don’t know what I was
thinking.”Ilaugh,andhopethatitatleastsoundsgenuine.
Steph nods. “Good. So, how much trouble did you get into with your mom
andNoah?”
Itellherallaboutmymotherslecture,minusthepartaboutmepromisingnot
to be friends with her anymore. We spend the rest of the night talking about
classes,Tristan,andanythingIcanthinkofbesidesHardin.
chaptertwenty-three
The next day Landon and I meet at the coffeehouse before class to compare
notesforSociology.IttookmeanhourtogetallmynotesinorderafterHardin’s
annoyingstuntyesterday.IwanttotellLandonaboutitbutIdon’twanthimto
thinkbadlyofme,especiallynowthatIknowabouthismomandHardin’sdad.
LandonmustknowatonaboutHardin,andIhavetokeepremindingmyselfnot
toaskquestionsabouthim.Besides,Idon’tcarewhatHardindoes.
Thedayfliesbyandfinallyit’stimeforLiterature.Perusual,Hardinisinthe
seatnexttomine,buttodayhedoesn’tseeminclinedtolookmywayatall.
“TodaywillbeourlastdayonPrideandPrejudice,”theprofessorinformsus.
“I hope you all have enjoyed it, and since you’ve all read the ending, it feels
fittingtobasetoday’sdiscussiononAusten’suseofforeshadowing.Letmeask:
asareader,didyouexpectherandDarcytobecomeacoupleintheend?”
Severalpeoplemurmurorrandomlyflipthroughtheirbookslikeit’llprovide
animmediateanswerforthem,butonlyLandonandIraiseourhands,asalways.
“MissYoung,”theprofessorcallsonme.
“Well, the first time I read the novel, I was on the edge of my seat about
whetherornottheywouldenduptogether.Evennow—andIhavereaditatleast
ten times—I still feel anxious during the beginning of their relationship. Mr.
Darcy is so cruel and says such hateful things about Elizabeth and her family
thatIneverknowifshecanforgivehim,letalonelovehim.”Landonnodsatmy
answer,andIsmile.
“That’saload,”avoicecutsthroughthestillness.Hardin’svoice.
“Mr. Scott? Would you like to add something?” the professor asks, clearly
surprisedatHardin’sparticipation.
“Sure. I said that’s a load. Women want what they can’t have. Mr. Darcy’s
rudeattitudeiswhatdrewElizabethtohim,soitwasobvioustheywouldendup
together,”Hardinsays,thenpicksathisfingernailsasifheisn’ttheslightestbit
interestedinthediscussion.
“Thatisn’ttrue,aboutwomenwantingwhattheycan’thave.Mr.Darcywas
only mean to her because he was too proud to admit he loved her. Once he
stoppedhishatefulact,shesawthathereallylovedher,”Isay,muchlouderthan
Iintended.
Muchlouder.Ilookaroundtheroomandfindeveryoneisstaringatmeand
Hardin.
Hardinexhales.“Idon’tknowwhatkindofguysyounormallygofor,butI
thinkthatifhelovedher,hewouldn’thavebeenmeantoher.Theonlyreasonhe
evenendedupaskingfor herhandinmarriagewasbecauseshewouldn’tstop
throwingherselfathim,”hesayswithemphasis,andmyheartdrops.Butfinally
we’regettingatwhathe’sreallythinking.
“Shedidnotthrowherselfathim!Hemanipulatedherinto thinking he was
kindandtookadvantageofherweakness!”Iscream,andthentheroomreally,
trulygoessilent.Hardin’sfaceisflushedwithanger,andIcan’timaginemine
looksmuchdifferent.
“He‘manipulated’her?Tryagain,sheis...Imean,shewassoboredwith
herboringlifethatshehadtofindexcitementsomewhere—soshecertainlywas
throwingherselfathim!”heyellsback,hishandgrippingthedesk.
“Well,maybeifhewasn’tsuchamanwhore,hecouldhavestoppeditafterthe
firsttimeinsteadofshowinguptoherroom!”Afterthewordsleavemymouth,I
knowthatwe’vebeenexposed,andsnickersandgaspsareheardthroughoutthe
room.
“Okay, lively discussion. I think that’s probably enough on that topic for
today...”theprofessorbegins,butIgrabmybagandrunoutoftheroom.
From somewhere behind me in the halls, I hear Hardin’s angry voice yell,
“Youdon’tgettorunthistime,Theresa!”
Igetoutsideandamcrossingthegreenlawn,abouttoreachthecornerofthe
block,whenhegrabsmyarmandIjerkaway.
“Whydoyoualwaystouchmelikethat?GrabmyarmagainandIwillslap
you!”Iscream.Isurprisemyselfatmyharshwords,butI’vehadenoughofhis
crap.
Hegrabsmyarmagain,butIcan’tmanagetofollowthroughonmypromise.
“Whatdoyouwant,Hardin?TotellmehowdesperateIam?Tolaughatmefor
lettingyougettomeagain?Iamsosickofthisgamewithyou—Iwon’tplayit
anylonger.Ihaveaboyfriendwholovesme,andyouareaterribleperson.You
really should see a doctor and get some medication for your mood swings! I
can’t keep up with you. One second you’re nice, then you’re hateful. I want
nothingtodowithyou,sodoyourselfafavorandfindanothergirltoplayyour
games,becauseI’mdone!”
“Ireallydobringouttheworstinyou,don’tI?”heasks.
Iturnawayandattempttoshiftmyfocustothebusysidewalknexttous.A
fewconfusedstudents’eyeslingeronHardinandmeforabeattoolong.WhenI
facehimagain,he’srunninghisfingersacrossasmallholeatthebottomofhis
wornblackT-shirt.
I expect him to be smiling or laughing, but he’s not. If I didn’t know any
better I would think he was . . . hurt? But I do know better and I know he
couldn’tcareless.“I’mnottryingtoplaygameswithyou,”hesaysandrunshis
handoverhishead.
“Thenwhatareyoudoing—becauseyourmoodswingsgivemeaheadache,”
Isnap.Asmallcrowdhasgatheredaroundus,andIwanttocurlintoaballand
disappear.ButIhavetoknowwhathewillsaynext.
Why can’t I stay away from him? I know he’s dangerous and toxic. I have
never been as mean to someone as I am to him. He deserves it, I know, but I
don’treallylikebeingmeantoanyone.
Hardingrabsmyarmyetagainandpullsmeintoasmallalleywaybetween
twobuildings,awayfromthecrowd.“Tess,I...Idon’tknowwhatIamdoing.
Youkissedmefirst,remember?”heremindsme.
“Yeah...Iwasdrunk,remember?Andyoukissedmefirstyesterday.”
“Yeah...Youdidn’tstopme.”Hepauses.“Itmustbeexhausting,”hesays.
What?“Whatmustbeexhausting?”
“Actinglikeyoudon’twantme,when webothknowyoudo,”hesays,and
stepscloser.
What?Idonotwantyou.Ihaveaboyfriend.”Thewordstumbleouttoofast
andrevealtheirabsurdity,makinghimsmile.
“A boyfriend that you’re bored with. Admit it, Tess. Not to me, but to
yourself.You’reboredwithhim.”Hisvoicelowers,andslowstoasensualpace.
“HasheevermadeyoufeelthewayIdo?”
“W-What?Ofcoursehehas,”Ilie.
“No . . . he hasn’t. I can tell that you’ve never been touched . . . really
touched.”
Hiswordssendanow-familiarburnthroughmybody.“That’snoneofyour
business,”Isayandbackaway,makinghimtakethreestepstowardme.
“YouhavenoideahowgoodIcanmakeyoufeel,”hesays,andIgasp.How
doeshegofromyellingatmetothis?AndwhydoIlikeitsomuch?Ihaveno
words.Hardin’stoneanddirtywordsmakemeweak,vulnerable,andconfused.I
havebecomearabbitinafox’strap.
“Really,youdon’thavetoadmitit.Icantell,”hesays,hisvoicethickwith
arrogance.
ButallIcan do isshakemyhead. His smilegrowsandI instinctively back
againstthewall.Hetakesasteptowardme,andItakeadeep,hopefulbreath.
Notagain.
“Your pulse has quickened, hasn’t it? Your mouth is dry. You’re thinking
aboutmeandhavethatfeeling...downthere.Don’tyou,Theresa?”
Everythingheissayingistrueandthemorehetalkstomelikethis,themoreI
wanthim.It’sstrangetocraveandhatesomeoneatthesametime.Theattraction
Ifeelispurelyphysical,whichissurprisingconsideringhowoppositeheisfrom
Noah.Idon’tremembereverbeingattractedtoanyoneexceptNoah.
I know that if I don’t say something now, he will win. I don’t want him to
havethispowerovermeandwin,too.
“You’rewrong,”Imutter.
Buthesmiles.Andeventhatsendselectricitythroughme.
“I’mneverwrong,”hesays.“Notaboutthis.”
Isteptothesidebeforehefullytrapsmeagainstthewall.“Whydoyoukeep
saying I throw myself at you if you’re the one cornering me now?” I ask, my
angerpushingpastmylustforthismaddeningtattooedboy.
“Because you made the first move on me. Don’t get me wrong, I was as
surprisedasyouwere.”
“I was drunk and had a long night—as you already know. I was confused
becauseyou were being nice to me; well,your versionof beingnice.” I scoot
pasthimandsitdownonthecurbsoIcangetoutofhisspace.Talkingtohimis
soexhausting.
“I’mnotthatmeantoyou,”hesays,loomingoverme,butitsoundsmorelike
aquestionthanastatement.
“Yeah,youare.Yougooutofyourwaytobemeantome.Notjustme,but
everyone.Butitstillseemslikeyouareextrahardonme.”Ican’tbelieveIam
beingthishonestwith him. I knowit’samatterofminutes before he turnson
me.
“That’sjustnottrue.I’mnomeanertoyouthanIamtotherestofthegeneral
population.”
I shoot up. I knew I couldn’t have a normal discussion with him. “I don’t
knowwhyIkeepwastingmytime!”Iyell.Istartwalkingbacktowardthemain
pathwayandlawn.
“Hey,I’msorry.Justcomebackoverhere.”
Igroan,butmyfeetreactbeforemybraincancatchup,andIendupstanding
afewfeetawayfromhim.
HesitsonthecurbwhereIwaspreviouslysitting.“Sit,”hedemands.
AndIdo.
“You’resittingawfullyfaraway,”hesays,andIrollmyeyes.“Youdon’ttrust
me?”
“No,ofcourseIdon’t.WhywouldI?”
His face falls slightly as my words hit him, but he recovers quickly. Why
wouldhecareifItrustedhim?
“Canwejustagreetoeitherstayawayfromeachother,orbefriends?Idon’t
haveitinmetokeepfightingwithyou.”Isigh,andhemovesalittlecloser.
He takes a deep breath before he speaks. “I don’t want to stay away from
you.”
What?Myheartbeatsoutofmychest.
“Imean...Idon’tthinkwecanstayawayfromeachother,withoneofmy
best friends being your roommate and all. So I suppose we should try to be
friends.”
Disappointment bubbles up from nowhere, but this is what I want, right? I
can’tkeepkissingHardinandcheatingonNoah.
“Okay,sofriends?”Isay,pushingdownthisfeeling.
“Friends,”heagreesandreachesouthishandformetoshake.
Not friends with benefits,” I remind him as I shake, only to feel the blood
rushtomycheeks.
Hechucklesandmoveshishandtoplaywithhiseyebrowring.“Whatmakes
yousaythat?”
“Likeyoudon’tknow.Stephalreadytoldme.”
“What,aboutmeandher?”
“Youandher,andyouandeveryothergirl.”Itrytofakealaughbutitcomes
outasacough,soIcoughalittlemoretotrytocover.
HeraiseshiseyebrowatmebutIignorehim.“Well,meandSteph...that
wasfun.”HesmilesasifrememberingsomethingandIswallowthebilerising
inthebackofmythroat.
“Andyeah,IhavegirlsthatIfuck.Butwhywouldthatconcernyou,friend?”
He’s so nonchalant about the whole thing, but I’m in shock. Hearing him
admittosleepingwithothergirlsshouldn’tbothermebutitdoes.Heisn’tmine:
Noahis.Noahis.Noahis,Iremindmyself.
“Itdoesn’t.Ijustdon’twantyoutothinkthatIwillbeoneofthosegirls.”
“Aww...areyoujealous,Theresa?”hemocksme,andIshovehim.Thereis
nowayinhellIwilleveradmitthat.
“No,absolutelynot.Ifeelsorryforthegirls.”
Heraiseshiseyebrowsplayfully.“Oh,youshouldn’t.Theyenjoyit,trustme.”
“Okay,okay.Igetit.Canwepleasejustchangethesubject?”Isighandlift
my head back to look at the sky. I need to clear the image of Hardin and his
haremoutofmymind.“So,willyoutrytobenicertome?”
“Sure.Willyoutrynottobesouptightandbitchyallthetime?”
Lookingattheclouds,Idreamilysay,“I’mnotbitchy;you’rejustobnoxious.”
I look at him and start laughing; fortunately he joins in. It’s a nice change
fromscreaming at each other.I know we haven’treally resolved the bigissue
here,whichisthefeelingsthatImayormaynothaveforhim,butifIcanjust
gethimtostopkissingme,IcanfocusbackonNoahandstopthisterriblecycle
beforeitgetsworse.
“Lookatus,twofriends.”Hisaccentissocutewhenheisn’tbeingrude.
Hell,eventhenitis,butwhenhisvoiceissofthisaccentmakesitsomuch
softer, like velvet. The way words roll off his tongue and through his pink
lips...Ican’tthinkabouthislips.Itearmyeyesawayfromhisfaceandstand
up,wipingmyskirtoff.
“Thatskirtreallyisdreadful,Tess.Ifwe’regoingtobefriendsyouneedtonot
wearthatanymore.”
ForasecondI’mhurt,butwhenIlookupathim,he’ssmiling.Thismustbe
thewayhejokes;stillrude,butI’lltakethisoverhisusualpuremalice.
Myphonealarmvibrates.“Ineedtogetbackandstudy,”Itellhim.
“Yousetanalarmtostudy?”
“Isetanalarmforalotofthings;it’sjustsomethingIdo.”Ihopehejustlets
thistopicgo.
“Well,setanalarmforustodosomethingfuntomorrowafterclass,”hesays.
WhoisthisandwhereistherealHardin?
“Idon’tthinkmyideaoffunisthesameasyours.”Ican’tevenimaginewhat
“fun”istoHardin.
“Well,we’llonlysacrificeafewcats,burndownonlyafewbuildings...”
Ican’tstopthegigglefromescapingandhesmilesback.
“Really, though, youcould usesome fun,and since weare newfriends, we
shoulddosomethingfun.”
IneedafewmomentstocontemplatewhetherIshouldbealonewithHardin
beforeIanswerhim.ButbeforeIcananswer,heturnstowalkaway.“Good,I’m
gladyou’reaboard.Seeyoutomorrow.”
Andhe’sgone.
I don’tsay anything; I just sit back down on thecurb. My headis spinning
fromthelasttwentyminutes.First,hebasicallyofferedmesex,tellingmeIhave
no idea how good he could make me feel; then, a few minutes later, he was
agreeingtotryto benicetome;thenwewerelaughingand jokinganditwas
nice. There are still so many questions I have about him, but I think I can be
friendswithHardin,likeStephis.Okay,notlikeStephis,butlikeNateoroneof
theirotherfriendswhohangoutwithhim.
Thisisreallythebestthing.Nomorekissing,nomoresexualadvancesfrom
him.Justfriends.
ButasIwalkbacktomyroom,pastalltheotherkidsgoingaboutwithoutany
knowledgeofHardinorhisways,Ican’tquitemanagetoshakethefearthatI
justwalkedintoanotheroneofhistraps.
chaptertwenty-four
ItrytostudywhenIgetbacktomyroombutcan’tseemtofocus.Afterstaring
atmynotesforacoupleofhoursbutnothavingreallyreadanything,Idecidea
shower might help. When they’re crowded, the coed bathrooms still make me
uncomfortable,butnooneevermesseswithme,soI’mgettingusedtothem.
The hot water feels amazing and loosens up my tense muscles. I should be
relievedandhappythatHardinandIhavereachedsomesortoftruce,butnow
anger and annoyance have been replaced by nervousness and confusion. I’ve
agreedto spendtime with Hardin tomorrow,doing something “fun,” and I am
terrified.Ijusthopeitgoeswell;Idon’texpecttobecomebestfriendswithhim,
butIneedustogettoaplacewherewedon’tscreamateachothereverytime
wetalk.
TheshowerfeelssogoodIstayinthereforawhile,andwhenIgetbackto
myroom,Steph’salreadycomeandleft.IfindanotefromhersayingTristanis
takingheroffcampusfordinner.IlikeTristan;heseemsreallynicedespitehis
overuseofeyeliner.IfStephandTristancontinuetoseeeachotherthenmaybe
when Noah comes to visit we could all go do something together. Who am I
kidding?Noahwouldn’twanttohangoutwithpeoplelikethem,butI’maware
enoughtoadmitthatupuntilthreeweeksagoIneverwouldhave,either.
IendupcallingNoahbeforebed;wehaven’ttalkedallday.He’ssopolite,he
asksaboutmydayassoonashepicksup.Itellhimitwasgood;Ishouldtell
himthatHardinandIaregoingtohangouttomorrow,butIdon’t.Hetellsme
thathissoccerteambeatSeattleHighbyalandslide,eventhoughSeattle’sreally
good.AndI’mhappyforhim,becauseheseemsreallyhappytohaveplayedso
well.
THE NEXT DAY GOES BY way too fast. Landon and I walk into Literature
class,andHardinisalreadyinhisseat.“Areyoureadyforourdatetonight?”he
asksandmymouthfallsopen.Landon’sdoes,too.Idon’tknowwhatIfeelmore
conflicted about: Hardin saying it like that, or how it will affect how Landon
seesme.Dayoneofourquesttobecomefriendsisnotgoingwellsofar.
“It’s not a date,” I say to him, then turn to Landon and roll my eyes and
nonchalantlysay,“We’rehangingoutasfriends,”whileignoringHardin.
“Samething,”Hardinreplies.
Iavoidhimfortherestoftheclass...whichiseasysincehedoesn’treally
trytotalktomeafterthat.
After class, as Landon starts puttinghis stuffinto his backpack, he looks at
Hardin,thenquietlysaystome,“Becarefultonight.”
“Oh,we’rejusttryingtogetalongsincemyroommateishisgoodfriend,”I
reply,hopingHardindoesn’thearme.
“Iknow,you’rereallyagreatfriend.I’mjustnotsureHardindeservesyour
kindness,”hesays,purposefullyloud,andIlookupathim.
“Don’tyouhavesomethingelsetodobesidesbad-mouthme?Getlost,man,”
Hardinsnapsfrombehindme.
Landonfrownsandlooksatmeagain.“JustrememberwhatIsaid.”Hewalks
away,andIworryabouthowmuchI’vemaybeupsethim.
“Hey,youdon’thavetobecrueltohim—youguysarepracticallybrothers,”I
say.
Hardin’seyesgowide.“Whatdidyoujustsay?”hegrowls.
“You know, your dad and his mom?” Was Landon lying? Or was I not
supposedtomentionthis.LandonsaidnottobringupHardin’srelationshipwith
hisdad,butIdidn’tthinkhemeantthewholething.
“That is none of your business.” Hardin looks angrily at the door where
Landon disappeared. “I don’t know why the asshole even told you that. I’m
goingtohavetoshuthimup,itseems.”
“Youleavehimalone,Hardin.Hedidn’tevenwanttotellme,butIgotitout
ofhim.”TheideaofHardinhurtingLandonmakesmesick.Ineedtochangethe
subject.“Sowherearewegoingtoday?”Iask,andheglaresatme.
“Wearen’tgoinganywhere;thiswasabadidea,”hesnaps,turnsonhisheels,
andwalksaway.Istandthereforaminute,waitingtoseeifHardinchangeshis
mindandwillcomeback.
Whatthehell?Hereallyisbipolar,I’msureofit.
BACKINMYDORMROOM,IfindZed,Tristan,andStephsittingonherbed.
Tristan’s eyes are focused on Steph and Zed is flicking his thumb across the
triggerofametallighter.Iwouldusuallybeannoyedwiththismanyunexpected
guests,butIreallylikeZedandTristan,andIneedthedistraction.
“Hey,Tessa!Howwereclasses?”Stephasksandgivesmeabigsmile.Ican’t
helpbutnoticethewayTristan’sfacelightsupwhenhelooksather.
“Theywereokay.You?”Iputmybooksonmydresserandshetellsmeabout
herprofessorspillinghotcoffeeonhimself,makingthemgetoutearly.
“You look nice today, Tessa,” Zed tells me, and I say thanks and crowd on
Steph’sbedwiththethreeofthem.Thebedreallyistoosmallforallofus,butit
works. After we’ve been talking about various weird professors for a few
minutes,thedooropensandweallturntoseewhoitis.
It’sHardin.Ugh.
“Geez, man, you could at least knock for once,” Steph scolds him and he
shrugs. “I could have been naked or something.” She laughs, obviously not
angryathislackofmanners.
“NothingI haven’tseen before,” he jokes, and Tristan’s face falls while the
otherthree chuckle. I can’tfindthe humor, either; Ihate thinkingabout Steph
andHardintogether.
“Oh,shutup,”shesays,stilllaughing,andgrabsholdofTristan’shand.His
smilereturnsandhemovesalittleclosertoher.
“What are you guys up to?” Hardin asks and sits opposite us, on my bed. I
wanttotellhimtogetoffbutIkeepquiet.Ithoughtforasecondhehadcome
heretoapologize,butnowIcanseehejustcametohangoutwithhisfriends,
andIamnotoneofthem.
Zedsmiles.“Wewereactuallygoingtogotothemovies.Tessa,youshould
come.”
Before I can answer,Hardin speaks up quickly. “Actually, Tessa and I have
plans.”Thereisastrangeedgetohisvoice.
God,he’ssomoody.
“What?”ZedandStephsayinunison.
“Yeah,Iwasjustcomingtogether.”Hardinstandsupandputshishandsinto
hispockets,gesturingtowardthedoorwithhisbody.“Youreadyorwhat?”
Mymindscreams,No!butInodandslipoffSteph’sbed.
“Well,seeyoualllater!”Hardinannouncesandpracticallypushesmeoutthe
door. Outside, he leads me to his car and, surprising me, opens the passenger
doorforme.Istandstillwithmyarmscrossed,lookingathim.
“Well,I’llremembernottoeveropenadoorforyouagain...”
Ishakemyhead.“Whatthehellwasthat?Iknowfullwellyoudidn’tcome
heretogetme—youjustgotdonetellingmethatyoudidn’twanttohangout
withme!”Iyell.
Andwearebacktoyellingateachother.Hemakesmecrazy,literally.
“Yes,Idid.Nowgetinthecar.”
“No!Ifyoudon’tadmitthatyoudidn’tcomeheretoseeme,Iwillgobackin
thereandgotothemovieswithZed,”Isay,whichmakeshimclenchhisjaw.
Iknewit.Idon’tknowhowtofeelaboutthisrevelation,butsomehowIknew
Hardin didn’t want me to go to the movies with Zed and that that’s the only
reasonhe’stryingtohangoutwithmenow.
“Admitit,Hardin,orIamgone.”
“Okay,fine.Iadmitit.Nowgetinthedamnedcar.Iwon’taskagain,”hesays
andwalksaroundtothedriversside.
Againstmybetterjudgment,Igetin,too.
Hardin still looks angry as he pulls out of the parking lot. He turns the
screechingmusicupwaytooloud.Ireachdownandshutitoff.
“Don’ttouchmyradio,”hescolds.
“If you’re going to be a jerk the whole time, I don’twant to hang out with
you.”AndImean it. Ifhe’slikethis,Idon’tcarewhereweare,I’llhitchhike
backtothedormsorsomething.
“I’mnot.Justdon’ttouchmyradio.”
My thoughts go back to Hardin tossing my notes into the air, and in turn I
wanttoyankhisradiooutandthrowitoutthewindow.IfIknewIcouldtearit
fromthedash,Iwould.
“WhydoyoucareifIgotothemovieswithZedanyway?StephandTristan
weregoing,too.”
“Ijustdon’tthinkZedhasthebestintentions,”hesaysquietly,hiseyesglued
totheroad.
Ibegintolaughandhefrowns.“Oh,andyoudo?AtleastZedisnicetome.”
I can’tstop laughing. The idea of Hardin trying to protect me in some way is
hilarious.Zedisafriend,nothingmore.JustlikeHardin.
Hardinrollshiseyesbutdoesn’tgivemeananswer.Heturnsthemusicback
onanditsguitarsandbassliterallyhurtmyears.
“Canyoupleaseturnitdown?”Ibeg.
Tomysurprise,hedoes,butleavesitonforbackgroundnoise.
“Thatmusicisterrible.”
Helaughsandtapsthesteeringwheel.“No,it’snot.ThoughIwouldloveto
knowyouropiniononwhatisgoodmusic.”Whenhesmileslikethis,helooks
so carefree, especially with his window down, the breeze blowing through his
hair.Hereachesonehandupandpusheshishairback.Ilovethewayitlooks
whenit’sbacklikethat.Ishakethethoughtsfrommyhead.
“Well,IlikeBonIver,andtheFray,”Ifinallyanswer.
“Ofcourseyoudo,”hesays,andchuckles.
Idefendmytwofavoritebands.“Whatiswrongwiththem?Theyareinsanely
talented,andtheirmusiciswonderful.”
“Yeah...theyaretalented.Talentedatputtingpeopletosleep.”
When I reach across and playfully swat his shoulder, he mock winces and
laughs.
“Well,Ilovethem,”Isaywith a smile.Ifwecouldjust stay inthisplayful
state,Imightactuallyhaveagoodtime.Ilookoutthewindowforthefirsttime,
butIdon’treallyknowwhereweare.“Wherearewegoing?”
“Tooneofmyfavoriteplaces.”
“Whichiswhere?”
“Youreallyhavetoknoweverythingthatisgoingoninadvance,don’tyou?”
“Yeah...Iliketo—”
“Controleverything?”
Istayquiet.Iknowhe’sright,butthat’sjustthewayIam.
“Well,I’mnottellingyouuntilwegetthere...whichwillbeonlyaboutfive
minutesfromnow.”
Ileanbackagainsttheleatherseatofhiscarandturnmyheadtoglanceatthe
backseat. A messy stack of textbooks and loose papers rest on one side and a
thickblacksweatshirtrestsontheother.
“Seesomethingthatyoulikebackthere?”Hardincatchesmebyembarrassed
surprise.
“Whatkindofcaristhis?”Iask.Ineedadistractionfrombothnotknowing
wherewearegoingandhimcallingmeoutforbeingnosy.
“FordCapri—aclassic,”heboasts,obviouslyproud.Hegoesontotellmeall
aboutiteventhoughIhavenoideawhatheistalkingabout.Still,Iliketowatch
his lips as he talks, the way they move slowly as the words are even slower.
Afterlookingoveratmeafewtimesduringtheconversation,heprettyharshly
says,“Idon’tliketobestaredat,”thoughhedoessmilealittleafter.
chaptertwenty-five
Westart downa gravelroad, andHardin turnsthe musicoffso that the only
noiseisthelittlestonescrunchingbeneaththetires.Isuddenlyrealizeweareout
inthemiddleofnowhere.Igetnervousnow;wearealone,reallyalone.There
arenocars,nobuildings,nothing.
“Don’tworry,Ididn’tbringyououtheretokillyou,”hejokesandIgulp.I
doubtherealizesthatI’mmoreafraidofwhatImightdowhenalonewithhim
thanifhewastoactuallytrytokillme.
Afteranothermilehestopsthecar.Ilookoutthewindowandseenothingbut
grass and trees. There are yellow wildflowers across the landscape and the
breezeisperfectlywarm.Granted,theplaceisniceandserene.Butwhybring
mehere?
“Whatarewegoingtodohere?”IaskhimasIclimboutofthecar.
“Well,first,abitofwalking.”
Isigh.Sohetookmeheretoexercise?
Noticingmy sourexpression, headds, “Not too much walking,” and begins
alongapartofthegrassthatlooksflattenedfrombeingusedanumberoftimes.
We’re both quiet for most of the walk, save a few rude snips from Hardin
about me being too slow. I ignore him and take in my surroundings. I am
beginningtounderstandwhyhelikesthisseeminglyrandomplace.It’ssoquiet.
Peaceful.IcouldstayhereforeveraslongasIbroughtabookwithme.Heturns
offthetrailandgoesintoawoodedarea.Mynaturalsuspiciousnesskicksin,but
Ifollow.Afewminuteslaterweemergefromthewoodstoastream,orreally
moreofariver.Ihavenoideawherewearebutthewaterlooksprettydeep.
Hardin doesn’t say anything as he pulls his black T-shirt over his head. My
eyes scan his inked torso. The way the empty branches of the dead tree are
drawn into his skin is more appealing than haunting under the bright sun. He
thenbendsdowntountiehisdirtyblackboots,glancingupatme,catchingme
staringathishalf-nakedbody.
“Wait,whyareyouundressing?”Iaskandlookatthestream.Ohno.“Youare
goingtoswim?Inthat?”Isayandpointtothewater.
“Yeah, and you are, too. I do it all the time.” He unbuttons his pants and I
havetoforcemyselftonotstareatthewaythemusclesinhisbarebackmove
whenhebendsdownandpullsthemoverhislegs.
“I am not swimming in that.” I don’t mind swimming, but not in a random
placeinthemiddleofnowhere.
“Andwhyisthat?”Hegesturestowardtheriver.“It’scleanenoughthatyou
canseethebottom.”
“So...thereareprobablyfishandGodknowswhatinthere.”Irealizehow
ridiculousIsoundbutIdon’tcare.“Besides,youdidn’ttellmeweweregoing
swimmingsoIhavenothingtoswimin.”Hecan’targuewiththat.
“You’retellingmeyou’rethekindofgirlwhodoesn’twearunderwear?”He
smirks, and I gape at him, and those dimples. “Yeah, so go in your bra and
panties.”
Wait, so he thought I would come out here and take all my clothes off and
swimwithhim?MyinsidesstirandIgetwarmthinkingaboutbeingnakedinthe
waterwithHardin.Whatishedoingtome?Ihavenever,everhadthesetypesof
thoughtsbeforehim.
“Iamnotswimminginmyunderwear,youcreep.”Isitonthesoftgrass.“I’ll
justwatch,”Itellhim.
Hefrowns.Nowonlyinhisboxerbriefs,theblackmaterialistightagainsthis
body.ThisisthesecondtimeIhaveseenhimshirtlessandhelooksevenbetter
here,undertheopensky.
“You’renofun.Andyou’remissingout,”hesaysflatly.Andjumpsintothe
water.
Ikeep myeyes on the grass and pluck a few blades out, playing with them
between my fingers. I hear Hardin call, “The water is warm, Tess!” from the
stream.Frommyspotonthegrass,Icanseethedropsofwaterfallingfromhis
now-blackhair.Heissmilingashepusheshissoakedhairbackandwipeshis
faceoffwithonehand.
For a moment I find myself wishing I was someone else, someone braver.
LikeSteph. IfI wasSteph, Iwould stripdown andjump intothe warmwater
withHardin.Iwouldsplasharoundandclimbupthebankjusttojumpbackand
soakhim.Iwouldbefunandcarefree.
ButI’mnotSteph.I’mTessa.
“Thisisonebeyond-boringfriendshipsofar...”Hardinexclaimsandswims
closertothebank.Irollmyeyesandhechuckles.“Atleasttakeyourshoesoff
andputyourfeetin.Itfeelsamazingandprettysoonitwillbetoocoldtoswim
in.”
Putting my feet in wouldn’t be so bad. So I take my shoes off and roll my
jeans up enough to dip my feet over the edge and into the water. Hardin was
right,thewateriswarmandclear.Iwigglemytoesandcan’thelpbutsmile.
“It’snice,isn’tit?”heasks,andIcan’thelpbutnod.“Sojustcomein.”
Ishakemyheadandhesplashesmewiththewater.Iscootbackandscowlat
him.
“If you come in the water, I will answer one of your always-intrusive
questions.Anyquestionthatyouwant,butonlyone,”hewarns.
CuriositygetsthebestofmeandItiltmyheadinconcentration.Thereareso
manymysteriesabouthim,andhere’sachancetomaybesolveoneofthem.
“Thisofferexpiresinoneminute,”hesaysandslipsbeneaththewater.Ican
see his long body swimming under the clear water. It does look like fun, and
Hardindrivesahardbargain.Heknowsjusthowtousemycuriosityagainstme.
“Tessa,” he says after his head pops back up above the surface, “stop
overthinkingeverything,andjustjumpin.”
“Idon’thaveanythingtowear.IfIjumpininmyclothes,Iwillhavetowalk
backtothecarandridebacksoaked,”Iwhine.Ialmostwanttogetinthewater.
Okay,IknowIdo.
“Wearmyshirt,”heoffers,whichshocksme,soIwaitasecondforhimtotell
me he was joking, but he doesn’t. “Go on, just wear my shirt. It will be long
enoughforyoutowearinhereandyoucankeepyourbraandpantieson,ifyou
wish,”hesayswithasmile.Itakehisadviceandstopthinking.
“Fine,butturnaroundanddonotlookatmewhileIamchanging—Imean
it!”Itrymybesttobeintimidating,buthejustlaughs.Heturnsaroundandfaces
theoppositedirection,soIliftmyshirtovermyheadandgrabhisasquicklyasI
can.Slippingiton,Icantellhewasright,sinceitreachesdowntothemiddleof
my thighs. I can’t help but admire the way his shirt smells, like faint cologne
mixedwithasmellIcanonlydescribeasHardin.
“HurrythehelluporIwillturnaround,”hesays,andIwishIhadastickto
throwathishead.Iunbuttonmyjeansandstepoutofthem.Foldingmyjeans
andshirtneatly,Iputthemnexttomyshoesonthegrass.Hardinturnsaround
andItugatthebottomofhisblackT-shirt,tryingtopullitasfarasitwillgo.
HiseyeswidenandI watchthemrakedownmybody.Hetakeshislipring
betweenhisteethandInoticehischeeksflush.Hemustbecold,becauseIknow
itcouldn’tpossiblybemeheisreactingto.
“Um...comeinthewater,yeah?”hesays,hisvoiceraspierthanusual.Inod
andwalkslowlytothebank.“Justjumpin!”
“Iam!Iam!”Iyellnervously,andhelaughs.
“Getalittlerunningstart.”
“Okay.”Istepbackalittleandstarttorun.Ifeelfoolish,butIamnotletting
mytendencytooverthinkruinthis.AsIreachmylaststride,Ilookatthewater
andstopwithmyfeetrightontheedge.
“Oh come on! You were off to such a good start!” His head falls back in
laughter,andhelooksadorable.
Hardin,adorable?
“Ican’t!”Iamnotsurewhatisstoppingme;thewaterisdeepenoughtojump
in,butnottoodeep.ThewaterinthespotwhereHardinisstandinggoesonlyto
hischest,whichmeansitwouldreachjustundermychin.
“Areyouafraid?”Histoneiscalmbutserious.
“No...Idon’tknow.Sortof,”Iadmitandhewalksthroughthewatertoward
me.
“SitontheedgeandI’llhelpyouin.”
Isit down and close my legs tightlyso hedoesn’tsee my panties. Noticing
this,hegrinsashereachesme.HishandsgripmythighsandonceagainIamon
fire.Whydoesmybodyhavetorespondtohimthisway?I’mtryingtomakeus
friends,soIneedtoignorethefire.Hemoveshishandstomywaistandasks,
“Ready?”
As soon as I nod yes, he is lifting me and pulling me into the water, water
that’swarmandfeelsamazingagainstmyhotskin.Hardinletsmegotoosoon
and I stand up in the water. We are closer to the bank so it only reaches just
belowmychest.
“Don’tjuststandthere,”hesaysmockingly,andIignorehimbutdowalkout
alittle.TheT-shirtbubblesupfromthewatergoingunderitandIyelpandpull
itdown.Onceit’spositioned,itpromisestostayputforthemostpart.
“Youcouldjusttakeitoff,”hesayswithasmirkandIsplashathim.“Didyou
justsplashme?”HelaughsandInod,splashingathimagain.Heshakeshiswet
headandlungesformeunderthewater.Hislongarmshookaroundmywaist
and pull me under. My hand flies up to plug my nose; I haven’t mastered
swimmingwithoutmynoseplugged.Whenweemerge,Hardiniscrackingup,
andIcan’thelpbutlaughwithhim.Iamactuallyhavingfun,realfun,notthat
averagewatching-a-good-moviefun.
“Ican’tdecidewhichismoreamusing:thefactthatyouareactuallyhavinga
good time or the fact that you have to plug your nose underwater,” he says
throughhislaughter.
I get a jolt of bravery and move toward him, ignoring the way the T-shirt
floatsupagain,andItrytopushhisheadunderwater.Ofcourse,heistoostrong
formeanddoesn’tbudge,soheonlylaughsharder,showingallofhisbeautiful
whiteteeth.Whycan’thebelikethisallthetime?
“Ibelieveyouowemeananswertoaquestion,”Iremindhim.
Helooksofftowardthebank.“Sure,butonlyone.”
I’mnotsurewhichonetoask,Ihavesomany.BeforeIcandecide,though,I
hearmyvoicemaking the decisionforme:“Whodo you lovethemostin the
world?”
WhywouldIaskhimthat?Iwanttoknowmorespecificthings,likewhyishe
ajerk?WhyisheinAmerica?
Helooksatmesuspiciously,asifheisconfusedbymyquestion.
“Myself,”heanswers,andgoesbackunderwaterforafewseconds.
HepopsbackupandIshakemyhead.“Thatcan’tbetrue,”Isayinchallenge.
Iknowheisarrogantbuthehastolovesomeone...anyone?“Whataboutyour
parents?”Iaskandimmediatelyregretit.
HisfacetwistsandhiseyeslosethesoftnessIwasbecomingfondof.“Donot
speak of my parents again, got it?” he snaps, and I want to smack myself for
ruiningthegoodtimewewerehaving.
“I’m sorry, I was just curious. You said you would answer a question,” I
remindhimquietly.Hisfacesoftens alittleandhestepstowardme,thewater
aroundus rippling. “I really amsorry,Hardin, Iwon’tmention themagain,” I
promise.Ireallydon’twanttofightwithhimouthere;hewouldprobablyleave
meoutherealoneifIupsethimtoomuch.
Hetakesmebysurprisewhenhegrabsmywaistandliftsmeintotheair.I
kickmylegsandflailmyarms,screamingathimtoputmedown,butheonly
obligesmebylaughingandtossingmeintothewater.Ilandafewfeetawayand
whenIcomeabovewaterhiseyesarebrightwithglee.
“You’regoingtopayforthat!”Iyell.Hefake-yawnsinresponse,soIswimat
him, and he grabs me again—but this time I wrap my thighs around his waist
withoutreallyrealizingit.Ashockedgaspfallsfromhislips.
“Sorry,”Imutterandunhookmylegs.
But he grabs them and folds them back around his waist. That electricity
between us can be felt again, this time more intensely than ever before. Why
doesthisalwayshappenwithhim?Ishutmymindofffrommythoughtsandput
myarmsaroundhisnecktosteadymyself.
“Whatareyoudoingtome,Tess,”hesayssoftly,andrubshisthumbovermy
bottomlip.
“Idon’tknow...”Ianswertruthfullyintohisthumb,whichstilltracesover
mymouth.
“These lips . . . the things you could do with them,” he says slowly,
seductively.Ifeelthatburndeepinmystomachthatmakesmeputtyinhisarms.
“Doyouwantmetostop?”Helooksintomyeyes;hispupilsaresodilatedthat
thereisonlyaslightringaroundthenowdarkgreenofhiseyes.
Beforemymindcancatchup,Ishakemyheadandpressmybodyagainsthis
underthewater.
“Wecan’tjustbefriends,youknowthat,don’tyou?”Hislipstouchmychin,
makingmetremble.HecontinuesalineofkissesalongmyjawlineandInod.I
knowheisright.Ihavenoideawhatthisisthatweare,butIknowIwillnever
beabletoonlybefriendswithHardin.Ashislipstouchthespotjustbelowmy
ear,Imoan,promptingHardintodoitagain,thistimesuckingtheskin.
“Oh,Hardin,”Imoanandsqueezehimwithmylegs.Ibringmyhandsdown
his back and graze my nails against his skin. I might explode just from him
kissingmyneckalone.
“Iwanttomake you moanmyname, Tessa, overandover again. Pleaselet
me?”Hisvoiceisfullofdesperation.
AndIknowdeepinsidethere’snowayIcansayno.
“Sayit,Tessa.”Hetakesmyearlobebetweenhisteeth.Inodagain,harder.“I
needyoutosayit,baby,outloudsoIknowyoureallywantmeto.”Hishand
travelsdownandunderhisT-shirtthatIamwearing.
“Iwantto...”Irushthewords,andhesmilesagainstmyneck,hismouth
continuing its gentle assault. He doesn’t say anything and instead grabs my
thighs, lifting me higher onto his torso as he begins to walk out of the water.
When he reaches the bank, he lets me go and climbs out. I whine, certainly
inflaminghis ego evenmore—but right nowI don’tcare. All I know is that I
want him, I need him. He reaches out for my hands and pulls me up onto the
bankwithhim.
Unsurewhatto do, Ijuststand on thegrass,feelingHardin’sheavy, soaked
shirtonmyshouldersandthinkinghe’stoofaraway.
Fromwherehestands,hedipsdownalittletomeetmyeyes.“Doyouwantit
tobehere?Ormyroom?”
I shrug nervously. I don’t want to go to his room, because it’s too far—the
drivewillgivemetoomuchtimetooverthinkwhatIamabouttodo.
“Here,”Isayandlookaround.ThereisnooneinsightandIpraythatnoone
willcomehere.
“Eager?” He smiles and I try to roll my eyes, but it probably looks like a
desperateflutter.TheheatinmybodyisslowlyburningoutthelongerHardin’s
touchisnotonme.
“Comehere,”hesaysinalowvoiceandtheheatreturns.
MyfeetpadquietlyacrossthesoftgrassuntilI’monlyinchesfromHardin.
HishandsimmediatelyreachforthehemoftheT-shirtandhepeelsitupward
offmybody.Thewayhelooksatmealonedrivesmecrazy;myhormonesare
outofcontrol.Mypulsespeedsupashelooksmybodyupanddownonemore
timebeforetakingmyhand.
Hespreadshisshirtonthegrasslikeablanketofsorts.“Liedown,”hesays,
guiding me to the ground with him. He lays me on the wet fabric and props
himselfuponhiselbow,lyingonhisside,facingmeonmyback.Noonehas
everseenmethisexposedbefore,andHardinhasseensomanygirls,girlsmuch
betterlookingthanme.Myhandsmoveuptocovermybody,butHardinsitsup
andgrabsbothofmywristsandpushesthemdowntomysides.
“Don’tevercoverup,notforme,”hesaysandlooksintomyeyes.
“It’sjust...”Ibegintoexplain,buthecutsmeoff.
“No,youwillnotcoverup,youhavenothingtobeashamedof,Tess.”Does
hemeanthat?“Imeanit,lookatyou,”hecontinues,seemingtoreadmymind.
“You’vebeenwithsomanygirls,”Iblurtout,andhefrowns.
“Nonelike you.” And I know I could takehis answer many differentways,
butIchoosetoletitgo.
“Do you have a condom?” I ask him, trying to remember the few things I
knowaboutsex.
“Acondom?”Hechuckles.“I’mnotgoingtohavesexwithyou,”hesaysand
Ibegintopanic.Isthisallagametohumiliateme?
“Oh,”isallIsayandbegintopullmyselfup.Buthegrabsmyshouldersand
gently pushes me back down. I’m sure I’m flush red, and I don’t want to be
exposedtohissarcasticeyeslikethis.
“Whereareyougoing—”hestarts,butthenrealizationhitshim.“Oh...No,
Tess, I didn’t mean it like that. I just meant that you have never done
anything...likeatall,soIamnotgoingtohavesexwithyou.”Hestaresatme
foramoment.“Today,”headds,andIfeelalittlebitofthepressureinmychest
dissolve.
“TherearemanyotherthingsIwanttodotoyoufirst.”Heclimbsontopof
me,allofhisweightsupportedonhishands.Heisinapush-upposition.Hiswet
hairdripswaterdropletsontomyfaceandIsquirm.
“Ican’tbelievenoonehasfuckedyoubefore,”hewhispersandheshiftshis
bodytolieonhissideonceagain.Hebringshishandtomyneckandtrailsit
down,touchingmeonlywithhisfingertips,downthevalleyofmybreasts,down
mystomachuntilhestopsjustabovemyunderwear.Wearereallydoingthis,me
and Hardin. What is he going to do? Will it hurt? A hundred thoughts race
throughmymindbut disappear assoonas his handreachesintomy panties. I
hearhimsuckabreaththroughhisteethandhebringshismouthtomine.
Hisfingersmovealittle,anditshocksme.
“Doesthatfeelgood?”heasksintomymouth.
He’s only rubbing me—how does it feel so good? I nod and he slows his
fingersdown.
“Doesitfeelbetterthanwhenyoudoit?”
What?
“Doesit?”heasksagain.
“Wh-what?” I manage, even though I have no control of my body or mind
rightnow.
“Whenyoutouchyourself?Doesitfeellikethis?”
I’mnotsurewhattosay,andwhenIjuststareathim,somethingbehindhis
eyessnapsto.“Wait...you’veneverdonethat,either,haveyou?”Hisvoiceis
fullofsurpriseandsomethingelse...lust?Hegoesbacktokissingmeandhis
fingerskeepmovingupanddown.“You’resoresponsivetome,sowet,”hesays
andImoan.WhyarethesefilthywordssohotwhenHardinsaysthem?Ifeela
gentlepinchanditsendsashockthroughmywholebody.
“What?Was...that?”Ihalfask,halfmoan.Hechucklesanddoesn’tanswer,
butIfeelhimdoitagainandmybackarchesoffthegrass. His mouth travels
downtomyneck,thenmychest.Histonguedipsdownunderthecupofmybra
and his hand massages one of my breasts. I feel a pressure building in my
stomach—anditispurebliss.Ipinchmyeyesclosedandbitedownonmylip;
mybackliftsoffthegrassonceagainandmylegsbegintoshake.
“That’s right,Tessa,come for me,”hesays,which makes mefeellikeI am
spiralingoutofcontrol.“Lookatme,baby,”hepurrs.
Iopenmyeyes.Thesightofhismouthnippingtheskinonmychestsendsme
overtheedgeandmyvisiongoeswhiteforafewseconds.“Hardin,”Isay,and
thenrepeat,andIcantellbythewayhischeeksflushthathelovesit.Slowly,he
pullshishandoutandrestsitonmystomachasItrytoreturnmybreathingto
normal. My body had never felt so energized before, and it’s never felt so
relaxedasthisnow.
“I’ll give you a minute to recover.” He laughs to himself and moves away
fromme.
Ifrown.Iwanthimtostayclose,butI’malsostrangelyunabletospeak.After
thebestfewminutesofmylife,IsitupandlooktowardHardin.Healreadyhas
hisjeansandshoeson.
“We’re leaving already?” The embarrassment is clear in my voice. I had
assumedhewouldwantmetotouchhim,too;evenifIdon’treallyknowwhat
todo,hecouldexplainittome.
“Yeah,youwantedtostaylonger?”
“I just thought . . . I don’t know. I thought maybe you would want
something...”Ihavenoideahowtosaythis.Luckyformehecatcheson.
“Oh,no.Iamokay,fornow,”hesaysandgivesmeasmallsmile.Ishegoing
togobacktobeingmeanagain?Ihopenot,notafterthis.Ihavejustsharedthe
mostintimateexperienceIhaveeverhadwithhim.Iwon’tbeabletostanditif
hetreatsmeterriblyagain.Hedidsay“fornow,”sohewantssomethinglater?I
am already starting to regret this. I put my clothes on over my wet bra and
pantiesandtrytoignorethesoftwetnessbetweenmythighs.Hardinpicksuphis
wetshirtandhandsittome.
Hetakesinmyconfusedexpressionandtellsme“totoweloff.”Hiseyesshift
totheapexofmythighs.
Oh.Iunbuttonmypantsandhedoesn’tbothertoturnaroundasIswipethe
shirt across my sensitive skin there. I don’t miss the way his tongue brushes
across his bottom lip while he watches me. He pulls his cell phone from the
pocket of his jeans and his thumb slides across the screen repeatedly. I finish
doing what he recommended and hand him his shirt back. As I step into my
shoes,theairaroundushaschangedfrompassionatetodistant,andIfindmyself
wishingtobeasfarawayfromhimaspossible.
I wait for him to talk to me as we walk back to the car, but he doesn’tsay
anything.Mymindisalreadycomingupwitheverypossibleworst-casescenario
forwhathappensnext.HeopensmydoorformeandInodtothankhim.
“Issomethingwrong?”heasksmewhilehedrivesbackdownthegravelroad.
“Idon’tknow.Whyareyoubeingsoweirdnow?”Iaskhim,eventhoughI’m
afraidofhisanswerandcan’tlookdirectlyathim.
“I’mnot,youare.”
“No,youhaven’tsaidawordtomesince...youknow.”
“SinceIgaveyouyourfirstorgasm?”
Mymouthdrops and mycheeksflush.Why am Istillsurprisedby his dirty
mouth?
“Um,yeah.Sincethat,youhaven’tsaidanything.Youjustgotdressedandwe
left.”Honestyseemstobethebestoptionrightnow,soIadd,“Itmakesmefeel
likeyou’reusingmeorsomething”
“What? Of course I’m not using you. To use someone I would have to be
gettingsomethingoutofit,”hesays,sooffhandedlythatIcansuddenlyfeelthe
tearscoming.Idomybesttokeepthembackbutoneescapes.
“Areyoucrying?WhatdidIsay?”Hereachesoverandputshishandonmy
thigh.Tomysurpriseitsoothesme.“Ididn’tmeanitlikethat—Iamsorry.I’m
notusedtowhateverissupposedtohappenaftermessingaroundwithsomeone,
plusIwasn’tgoingtojustdropyouoffatyourroomandgoourseparateways.I
thought maybe we could get some dinner or something? I am sure you’re
starving.”Hesqueezesmythighgently.
Ismilebackathim,relievedbyhiswords.Iwipeawaythetearthatescaped
prematurelyandwithitgoesmyworry.
I don’tknow what it is about Hardin that makes me so emotional, in every
waypossible.Theideaofhimusingmemakesmemoreupsetthanitshould.My
feelingsforHardinaresoconfusing.Ihatehimoneminuteandwanttokisshim
thenext.HemakesmefeelthingsIneverknewIcould,andnotjustsexually.He
makesmelaughandcry,yellandscream,butmostofallhemakesmefeelalive.
chaptertwenty-six
Hardin’shandisstillonmythighandIhopeheneverremovesit.Itakeaquick
opportunitytostudysomeofthetattooscoveringhisarms.Theinfinitysymbol
abovehis wristcatches myeye again,and Ican’thelp but wonder if it means
somethingtohim.Itfeelspersonal,inkedthere,justabovethebareskinonhis
hand. I check his other wrist for a matching symbol but there isn’t one. The
infinitysymboliscommonenough,mostlyamongwomen,butthewaythetwo
loopsontheendsareheartsmakesmeevenmorecurious.
“Sowhattypeoffooddoyoulike?”heasks.
What a refreshingly normal question for him to ask me. I pull my matted,
almostdryhairintoabunandthinkforasecondaboutwhatIwanttoeat.“Well,
I like anything, really, as long as I know what it is—and it doesn’t involve
ketchup.”
Helaughs.“Youdon’tlikeketchup?Aren’tallAmericanssupposedtobewild
forthestuff?”heteases.
“Ihavenoidea,butit’sdisgusting.”
Webothlaugh and Ilook over atHardin, who says,“Let’sjust stick witha
plaindinerthen?”
Inodandhereachestoturnthemusicupbutstopsandputshishandbackon
me.“Sowhatdoyouplanondoingaftercollege?”heasks;it’ssomethinghe’s
alreadyaskedmebefore,inhisroom.
“I’mgoingtomovetoSeattleimmediately,andIhopetoworkatapublishing
houseorbeawriter.Iknowit’ssilly,”Isay,suddenlyembarrassedbymyhigh
ambitions.“Butyoualreadyaskedmethatbefore,remember?”
“No,it’snot.IknowsomeoneoveratVancePublishingHouse;it’sabitofa
drive,butmaybeyoushouldapplythereforaninternship.Icouldtalktohim.”
“What?Youwoulddothatforme?”MyvoicegoeshighbecauseI’mpretty
surprised; even if he has been nice for the last hour, this isn’t quite what I
expected.
“Yeah,it’snotabigdeal.”Heseemsalittleembarrassed.Iamsureheisn’t
usedtodoingnicethings.
“Wow,thankyou.Really.Ineedtogetajoborinternshipsoonanyway,and
thatwouldliterallybeadreamcometrue!”Iclapmyhands.
Hechucklesandshakeshishead.“You’rewelcome.”
Wepullintoasmallparkinglotnexttoanoldbrickbuilding.
“Thefoodhereisamazing,”hesaysandclimbsoutofthecar.Walkingaround
tothetrunk,heopensit...andpullsoutanotherplain-blackT-shirt.Hereally
musthaveanendlesssupply.IwasenjoyinghimbeingshirtlesssomuchthatI
forgothewouldeventuallyhavetoputonebackon.
When we get inside we seat ourselves in the fairly deserted place. An old
womanwalkstothetableandgoestohandusourmenus,buthewavesthemoff,
orderingahamburgerandfries,gesturinglikeIshoulddothesame.Itrusthim
onthisoneandorderit—minusketchup,ofcourse.
Whilewewait,ItellHardinaboutgrowingupinRichland,which,beingfrom
England,he’sneverheardof.Heisn’tmissingouton much;thetownissmall
andeveryonedoesthesamethingsandnooneeverleaves.Everyoneexceptme:
Iwillnevermovebackthere.Hedoesn’toffermemuchinformationabouthis
past,butI’mhopefulandpatient.Heseemsverycuriousaboutmylifeasachild
andhe frowns whenI tellhimabout my dad’sdrinking.I had mentionedit to
himbefore,whilewewerefighting,butthistimeIwentintoalittlemoredetail.
During a pause in the conversation, the waitress reappears with our food,
whichlooksdelicious.
“Good,huh?”HardinasksasItakemyfirstbite.Inodandwipemymouth
off.The food isamazing andwe both clearour plates, mebeing morehungry
thanI’veeverbeenbefore.
THEDRIVEBACKTOTHEDORMSisrelaxed.Hislongfingersrubcircles
on my leg, and I’m disappointed to see the WCU sign when we finally hit
campusandthestudentparkinglot.
“Didyouhaveanicetime?”Iaskhim.Ifeelsomuchclosertohimnowthan
Ididafewhoursago.Hecanbereallygoodwhenhetriestobe.
“Yeah,Idid,actually.”Heseemssurprised.“Listen,Iwouldwalkyoutoyour
room,butIdon’twanttoplaytwentyquestionswithSteph...”Hesmilesand
turnshisbodysidewaystofaceme.
“It’sfine.I’lljustseeyoutomorrow,”Itellhim.I’mnotsureifIshouldtryto
kiss him goodbye or not, so I’m relieved when his fingers tug on a few loose
strandsofmyhairandtuckthembehindmyear.Irestmyfaceinhispalmand
heleansoverandtoucheshislipstomine.Itstartsasasimpleandgentlekiss,
butI feelit warmmy entire body and I need more.Hardin grabsmy armand
pullsittogestureformetoclimboverthemiddledivider.Iquicklyobligeand
straddle his lap, my back hitting the steering wheel. I feel the seat recline
slightly,givingusmoreroomasIlifthisshirtalittletoslidemyhandsunderit.
Hisstomachishardandhisskinishot.Itracemyfingersalongtheinkthere.
His tongue massages mine and he wraps his arms around me tightly. The
feelingisalmostpainful,butit’sapainIwillgladlyenduretobethiscloseto
him.HemoansintomymouthasIputmyhandsfartheruphisshirt.IlovethatI
canmakehimmoan,too,thatIhavethiseffectonhim.I’mreallyabouttoget
lostinthesensationagainwhenweareinterruptedbymyphoneringing.
“Anotheralarm?”heteasesasIpullbackandreachintomypurse.
Smiling, I open my mouth to say something smart back at him, but when I
lookat the screenand see it’s Noah,I stop. Lookingat Hardin, I can tellhe’s
figured it out. His expression changes, and fearing that I’m losing him, this
mood,Ihittheignorebuttonandtossmyphonebackontothepassengerseat.I
amnotthinkingaboutNoahrightnow.Ipushhimtothebackcornerofmymind
andlockthatdoor.
IleanbackintocontinuekissingHardin,buthestopsme.
“IthinkIbettergo.”Histoneisclipped,andsendsworrythroughme.WhenI
drawback to look at him, his gazeis distantand iceimmediately replacesthe
fireinmybody.
“Hardin,Iignoredit.Iamgoingtotalktohimaboutallthis.Ijustdon’tknow
howorwhen—butitwillbesoon,though,Ipromise.”Iknewsomewhereinthe
backofmymindthatIwouldhavetobreakupwithNoahthemomentIkissed
Hardin that first time. I can’t date him if I’ve already betrayed him. It would
always hang over my head like a dark cloud of guilt, and neither of us wants
that. The way I feel about Hardin is another reason I can’t be with Noah
anymore.IloveNoah,butifIreallylovedhimthewayhedeservestobeloved,
Iwouldn’tbehavingthese feelingsfor Hardin. Idon’twantto hurt Noah,but
thereisnoturningbacknow.
“Talktohimaboutwhat?”hesnaps.
“Allofthis.”Iwavemyhandsaround.“Us.”
Us?You’renottryingtotellmeyou’regoingtobreakupwithhim...for
me,areyou?”
Myheadstartstospin.IknowIshouldclimboffhislapbutIamfrozen.
“Youdon’t...wantmeto?”Myvoicecomesoutasawhisper.
“No,whywouldyou?Imean,yeah,ifyouwanttodumphim,goforit,but
don’tdoitonmybehalf.”
“Ijust...Ithought...”Istarttofumblemywords.
“IalreadytoldyouthatIdon’tdate,Theresa,”hesays.
Mybodywantstofreezelikeadeerinheadlights;theonlythingthatmakesit
possibleformetoclimboffhimisthefactthatIrefusetolethimseemecry,
again.
“You’redisgusting,”Isaybitterlyandgrabmystufffromthefloorboardsand
my phone from the seat. Hardin looks like he wants to say something, but he
doesn’t.“Stayawayfrommefromnowon—Imeanit!”Ishout,andhecloses
hiseyes.
IwalkasfastasIcantomybuilding,tomyroom,somehowmanagingtohold
inmytearsuntilIgetinsideandshutthedoor.IamsogratefulSteph’sgoneasI
slidedownthedoorandbreakintosobs.HowcouldIbesostupid?Iknewhow
he was when I agreed to be alone with him, yet I practically jumped at the
opportunity.Justbecausehewasnicetometoday,Igotitintomyheadthatwhat
—thathewouldbemyboyfriend? Ilaugh through mysobs athow stupid and
naïveIam.Ireallycan’tevenbeangrywithHardin.Hetoldmehedoesn’tdate,
buttodaywehadsuchanicetime.Hewasactuallypleasantandplayful,andI
thoughtwewerereallybuildingarelationshipofsomekind.
Butitwasallanact,justsohecouldgetintomypants.AndIlethim.
chaptertwenty-seven
My tears dry, and I am showered and somewhat mentally stable by the time
Stephreturnsfromthemovies.
“So,howwasyour...hangoutwithHardin?”sheasksandgrabsherpajamas
outofherdresser.
“Itwasokay,hewashisnormal...charmingself,”Itellherandmanagea
laugh. I want to tell her about what we did, but I’m too ashamed. I know she
wouldn’tjudgeme,anddespitewantingtobeabletotellsomeone,Ialsoreally
don’twantanyonetoknow.
Stephlooksatmewithconcernevidentinhereyes,andIhavetolookaway.
“Justbecareful,okay;you’retooniceforsomeonelikeHardin.”
I want to hug her and cry into her shoulder but instead ask, “How was the
movie?” to change the subject. She tells me how Tristan kept feeding her
popcornandthatsheisreallystartingtolikehim.Iwanttogag,butIknowIam
justjealousbecauseTristanactuallylikesherinawayHardindoesn’tlikeme.
But I remind myself that I do have someone who loves me and that I need to
starttreatinghimbetterandstayawayfromHardin—forrealthistime.
THENEXTMORNINGI’mdrained.IhavenoenergyandfeellikeIcouldcry
atanymoment.Myeyesareredandpuffyfromcryinglastnight,soIwalkover
toSteph’sdresserandgrabhermakeupbag.Ipulloutbrowneyelineranddrawa
thinlineundermyeyesandonmyeyelid.Itmakesmyeyeslookmuchbetter.I
putalittlepowderundermyeyestogivemyskinalittlecolor.Afewswipesof
mascaraandIlooklikeanewperson.PleasedwiththewayIlook,Iputonmy
tightjeansandatanktop.Stillfeelingnaked,Igrabawhitecardiganoutofmy
closet.ThisisthemosteffortIhavemadeinmyappearanceforaregularschool
daysincepicturedaymysenioryearofhighschool.
Landon texts me that we’ll have to meet in class, so when I stop by the
coffeehouse I grab him a drink, too. I’m still pretty early to class, so I walk
slowerthanusual.
“Hey,Tessa,right?”Ihearaguy’svoicesay.Ilookoverandseeapreppyboy
comingmyway.
“Yeah,Logan,right?”Iaskhim,andhenods.
“Youcomingoveragainthisweekend?”heasks.Hemustbepartofthefrat;
ofcourseheis,he’spreppyandgorgeous.
“Oh,no,notthisweekend.”Ilaughandhejoinsin.
“Bummer,youwerefun.Well,ifyouchangeyourmind,youknowwhereit
is.Igottago,butI’llseeyouaround.”Givingmeafakelittletipofthehat,he
walksaway.
Inclass,Landonisalreadyseatedandthanksmerepeatedlyforbringinghim
coffee.“Youlookdifferenttoday,”hesaysasIsitdown.
“Iputmakeupon,”Ijokeandhesmiles.Hedoesn’taskaboutmynightwith
HardinandIamgrateful.I’mnotsurewhatIwouldsaytohim.
Justas the daygets pleasant,and I beginto stopthinkingabout Hardin,it’s
timeforLiterature.
HARDINSITSINHISNORMALSEATinthefront.He’swearingawhiteT-
shirt for once and it’s thin enough that his tattoos are visible underneath it. It
amazesmehowattractiveIfindhistattoosandpiercingswhenI’venevercared
foreitherbefore.Ilookawayquickly,sitdowninmyusualseatnexttohim,and
pulloutmynotes.I’mnotgivingupmygreatseatbecauseofonerudeboy.Still,
IhopeLandonarrivessoonsoIwon’tfeelsoalonewithHardin.
“Tess?”Hardinwhispersastheclassbeginstofillup.
No.Don’tanswerhim.Ignorehim,Irepeattomyself.
“Tess?”hesaysagain,thistimelouder.
“Donotspeaktome,Hardin,”Isaythroughmyteeth.Iavoidlookingathim.
Iwillnotfallbackintohistrap.
“Ohcomeon,”hesays,andIcantellhethinksthisisallfunny.
MytoneisharshbutIdon’tcare:“Imeanit,Hardin,leavemealone.”
“Fine,haveityourway,”hesaysequallyharshly,andIsigh.
LandonwalksinandIamsograteful.SeeingthetensionbetweenHardinand
me,heasksinhiskindtone,“Youokay?”
“Yeah,I’mfine,”Ilie,andclassbegins.
HARDINANDIcontinueignoringeachotherallweek,andeachdaythatpasses
withouttalkingtohimmakes it alittleeasiertonot think abouthimsomuch.
StephandTristanhavebeenhangingoutallweek,soI’vehadourroommostly
to myself, which has been both good and bad. Good because I get a lot of
studyingdone,butbadbecauseIamleftalonewithmythoughtsaboutHardin.
AllweekIhavebeenwearingalittlebitmoremakeup,butstillmybaggyand
conservativeclothes.ByFridaymorning,IfeellikeIamreallyoverthiswhole
messwithHardin.Thatis,untileveryonekeepstalkingaboutpartyingatthefrat
house.Seriously,thereisapartythereeveryFriday—andusuallySaturday,too
—so why they feel the need to get excited about it every weekend blows my
mind.
AfterbeingaskedbyatleasttenpeopleifIwillbeattheparty,Idecidetodo
theonlythingthatIknowwillkeepmefromgoing.IcallNoah.
“Hey, Tessa!” he chirps into the phone. It has been a few days since we’ve
actuallytalked,andI’vemissedhisvoice.
“Hey,doyouthinkyoucouldcomevisitme?”Iask.
“Sure,yeah.MaybeIcancomenextweekend?”
I groan. “No, I mean like today. Like now, could you leave right now?” I
knowhelikestoplanthingsjustlikeIdo,butIneedhimtocomenow.
“Tessa,Ihavepracticeafterschool.Iamstillatschoolnow,justatlunch,”he
explains.
“Please,Noah,Ireallymissyou.Can’tyoujustleavenowandcomeherefor
theweekend?Please?”IknowI’mbegging,butIdon’tcare.
“Um...yeah,sure,Tessa.I’llcomenow.Iseverythingokay?”
Happiness floods me—I’m really surprised that squeaky-clean Noah is
agreeingtothis,butIamsogladheis.“Yeah,Ijustreallymissyou.Ihaven’t
seenyouinalmosttwoweeks,”Iremindhim.
He laughs. “I miss you, too. I am going to get a slip and leave in a few
minutes,soIwillseeyouinaboutthreehours.Iloveyou,Tessa.”
“Iloveyou,too,”Isayandhangup.Well,thatsettlesthat.AnychancethatI
mighthaveendedupatthatpartyisnowgone.
A NEWFOUNDSENSEOFRELIEFfillsmeas IwalktoLiterature,andinto
thegorgeousoldbrickbuildingtheclassisin.Thatsenseofreliefvanisheswhen
IwalkintotheclassroomandseeHardinhoveringoverLandon’sdesk.
Whatthehell?
IrushoverjustasHardinslamshishandonthedeskandgrowls,“Don’tever
saysomeshitlikethatagain,youprick.”
Landon moves to stand up, but he would be insane to try to fight Hardin.
Landonismuscularandall,buthe’ssokindIcan’timaginehimhittinganyone.
IgrabholdofHardin’sarmandpullhimbackawayfromLandon.Hisother
handrisesintotheairandIflinch,butonceherealizesit’sme,hedropshishand
andcursesunderhisbreath.
“Leavehimalone,Hardin!”IyellandturntoLandon.Helooksjustasmadas
Hardindoesbuthesitsdown.
“You need to mind your own business, Theresa,” Hardin snidely says and
movestohisseat.Hereallyshouldsitinthebacksomewhere.
Sitting between them, I lean over and whisper to Landon, “Are you okay?
Whatwasthatabout?”
HelookstowardHardinandsighs.“Heisjustanasshole.Thatprettymuch
sumsitup,”hesaysloudlyandputsonachippergrin.
Igigglealittleandstraightenup.IcanhearHardin’sraggedbreathingnextto
meandIgetanidea.Achildishidea,butIdoitanyway.
“Ihavesomegoodnews!”ItellLandoninmybestmock-cheeryvoice.
“Really?What’sthat?”
“Noah’scomingtovisittoday,andhe’llbehereallweekend!”Isayandsmile
whileclappingmyhandstogether.IknowIamoverdoingit,butIfeelHardin’s
eyesonmeandIknowheheardme.
“Really?Thatisgreatnews!”Landonsaysearnestly.
ClassbeginsandendswithoutHardinsayingawordtome.Thisishowitwill
befromnowonandit’sfinewithme.IwishLandonaniceweekendandwalk
backtomyroomtotouchupmymakeupandgrabsomethingtoeatbeforeNoah
getshere.Ilaughatmyselfalittlewhiledoingmymakeup.SincewhenamIthe
typeofgirlwhohasto“touchuphermakeup”beforeherboyfriendcomes?I
sense that it’s since that day at the stream with Hardin, an experience that
changed me, though the way he hurt me after changed me even more. The
makeupisonlyaslightchange,butIknowitisthere.
Ieat and straightenmy roomup a little,folding Steph’s clothes andputting
themaway;Ihopeshewon’tmind.Noahfinallytextsthathe’shere,andIjump
offthebedwhere I wasrestingandrush outside togreethim.Helooks better
thaneverinnavybluepants,acreamcardigan,andawhiteshirtunderneath.He
reallydoeswearalotofcardigans,butIlovethem.Hiswelcomingsmilewarms
myheartandhewrapshisarmsaroundmeandtellsmehowniceitistoseeme.
Aswewalkbacktomyroom,helooksatmeforamomentandasks,“Are
youwearingmakeup?”
“Yeah,alittle.It’sjustsomethingIhavebeenexperimentingwith,”Iexplain.
Hesmiles.“Itlooksnice,”hesays,andkissesmyforehead.
INMYROOM,weendupbrowsingthroughtheromanticcomediessectionon
Netflixtopickamovie.StephtextsmeandsayssheiswithTristanandwon’tbe
back tonight, so I turn the lights off and we sit back against my headboard,
Noah’sarmaroundmyshoulderandmyheadonhischest.
Thisisme,Ithink,notsomewildgirlswimminginapunkboy’sT-shirt.
WestartupamoviethatI’veneverheardofbefore,andnotfiveminutesinto
it the door bursts opens. I immediately figure that maybe Steph has forgotten
somethingsheneeds.
But of course it’s Hardin. His eyes go straight to where Noah and I are
cuddledonthebed,illuminatedbytheTVlight.Iflush;hehascomeheretotell
Noah,Iknowit.Panictakesovermybody,andIscootawayfrommyboyfriend,
makingitseemlikeIjustmadeasurprisedlittlejump.
“Whatareyoudoinghere?”Isnap.“Youcan’tjustbargeinhere!”
Hardinsmiles.“I’mmeetingSteph,”heanswersandsitsdown.“Hey,Noah,
nicetoseeyouagain.”HesmirksandNoahlooksuncomfortable.Heisprobably
wonderingwhyHardinhasakeytotheroomanddoesn’tbothertoknock.
“She’swithTristan,probablyalreadyatyourhouse,”Itellhimslowly,silently
pleading for him to leave. If he tells Noah now, I have no idea how I could
recover.
“Oh?”hesays.Icantellbyhissmirkthathecameherejusttotormentme.He
willprobablystayuntilIcomecleantoNoahmyself.“Areyoutwocomingto
theparty?”
“No . . . we aren’t. We’re trying to watch a movie,” I tell him, and Noah
reachesoverandtakesmyhand.Eveninthedark,IcanseeHardin’seyesfocus
onwhereNoah’shandtouchesmine.
“That’s too bad. Ibetter go. ..” He turns toward thedoor,andI feel some
relief. But then he twists back. “Oh, and, Noah,” he begins, making my heart
drop.“That’sanicecardiganyou’rewearing.”
IletoutabreathIdidn’tknowIwasholding.
“Thanks. It’s from the Gap,” Noah says. He is clueless and unaware that
Hardinismakingfunofhim.
“Icanseethat.Youtwohavefun,”Hardinsaysandleavestheroom.
chaptertwenty-eight
He’snotsobad,Iguess,”Noahsayswhenthedoorcloses.
Ilaughnervously.“What?”Andwhenheraiseshiseyebrowatme,Icontinue:
“Nothing,Iamjustsurprisedtohearyousaythat.”Iliebackontohischest.The
electricitythatfilledtheroommomentsagohasdissolved.
“I’mnotsayingIwouldwanttohangoutwiththeguy, but he was friendly
enough.”
“Hardinisnothingevenclosetofriendly,”Isay,andNoahchucklesandwraps
his arm around me. If he only knew the things that happened between Hardin
andme,thewaywekissed,thewayImoanedhisnamewhilehe—God,Tessa,
juststop.IleanmyheadupandkissNoah’sjaw,makinghimsmile.IwantNoah
tomakemefeelthewayHardindoes.Isitupandturntofacehim.Itakehis
facebetweenmyhandsandpressmylipsagainsthis.Hismouthopensandhe
kissesmeback.Hislipsaresoft...justlikehiskiss.It’snotenough.Ineedthe
fire,Ineedthepassion.Iwrapmyhandsaroundhisneckandpullmyselfonto
hislap.
“Whoa,Tessa,whatareyoudoing?”heasksandtriestopushmeoffgently.
“What?Nothing,Ijust...Iwanttomakeout,Iguess,”Isayandlookdown.
I am usually not embarrassed in front of Noah, but this isn’t something we
usuallytalkabout.
“Okay?”hesays,and I kisshimagain.I feel warmthfromhim,butnot the
fire.Istarttorockmyhips,hopingtolightitsomehow.Hishandsgodownto
mywaistbuthe pushesthemagainstme,stoppingmymovements.Iknow we
agreedtowaituntilmarriage,butwe’rejustkissinghere.Igrabhishandsand
pullthemawayandcontinuetorockagainsthim.NomatterhowmanytimesI
try to kiss him harder, his mouth stays soft and timid. I can feel him getting
turnedon,buthewon’tactonit.
I know I am doing this for all the wrong reasons, but I don’t care at the
moment—IjustneedtoknowthatNoahcandotomewhatHardindoes.Itisn’t
actuallyHardinthatIwant,it’sthefeeling...isn’tit?
IstopkissingNoahandslideoffhislap.
“Thatwasnice,Tessa.”HesmilesandIgivehimoneback.Itwas“nice.”He
issocareful,toocareful,butIlovehim.Ipressplayonthemovieandwithin
minutesIfeelmyselfdriftingoff.
“Ishouldgo,”Hardinsays.Hisgreeneyeslookingdownatme.“Gowhere?”
Idon’twanthimtogo.“Iamgoingtostayatahotelcloseby;I’llcomebackin
the morning,” he says, and after I stare at him a moment, his face fades into
Noah’s.
Ijoltupandwipemyeyes.Noah,itisNoah.ItwasneverHardin.
“You’re obviously really sleepy, and I can’tstay the night here,” Noah says
gentlyandbrushesmycheek.
Iwanthimtostay,butnowI’mafraidofwhatIwillseeorsayinmysleepy
state.Noahclearlydoesn’tthinkit’sdecentforhimtostayinmyroomanyway.
HardinandNoaharepolaropposites.Ineveryway.
“Okay,thankyouagainforcoming,”Imumbleandhekissesmelightlyonthe
cheekbeforeslidingoutfromunderme.
“Iloveyou,”hesays.Inod,burymyheadbackintomypillow,anddescend
intodreamsIdon’tremember.
THENEXTMORNING,IwakeuptoNoahcallingonthephone.Hetellsmehe
isonhisway,soIrolloutofbedandrushtotheshowers,wonderingwhatNoah
and I should do today. There isn’t much to do around here unless we go into
town; maybe I should text Landon and ask what there is to do around here
besidespartyatafrathouse.Heseemstobemyonlyfriendwhowouldknow.
Havingdecidedtowearmygraypleatedskirtandaplainblueshirt,Iignore
Hardin’svoiceinthebackofmyheadtellingmethatit’sugly,anddressinthe
stall.
NoahisinthehallwaitingbymydoorasIreturnwiththetowelstillinmy
hair.“Youlooklovely,”hesayswithasmile,andputshisarmovermyshoulder
asIopenthedoor.
“I just need to do my hair and put a little makeup on,” I tell him and grab
Steph’smakeupbag,whichI’mgladshedidn’ttakewithher.Iwillneedtoget
someofmyownnowthatIknowIlikethewayitlooks.
NoahsitspatientlyonmybedasIdrymyhairandcurltheends.Istopand
givehimakissonthecheekbeforeIapplymymakeup.“Whatdoyouwantto
dotoday?”Ifinishwithmascaraandfluffmyhair.
“Collegereallysuitsyou,Tessa.Youhaveneverlookedbetter,”Noahsays.“I
don’tknow,maybewecangotoaparkorsomething,thendinner?”
Ilookattheclock.Howisitalready1p.m.?ItextStephandtellherIwillbe
outmost of the day and she respondssaying she will be gone until tomorrow.
ShebasicallylivesatHardin’sfraternityhouseontheweekends.
NoahopensthepassengerdoorofhisToyota.Hisparentsmadesurehehad
thesafestcar,thenewestmodel.Theinteriorisspotless,nostacksofbooks,no
dirtyclothing.Wedrivearoundtofindapark,whichonlytakesalittlebit.It’sa
small,quietspacewithhalf-green,half-yellowinggrassandafewtrees.
Aswepullintoaspot,Noahasks,“Hey,whenareyougoingtostartlooking
foracar?”
“I think this week, actually. I am going to apply for jobs this week, too.” I
don’tmentiontheinternshipatVancePublishingthatHardindangledinfrontof
me.Idon’tknowifIcanstillgetit,orhowI’dtellNoahifIdid.
“Thatisgreatnews.Letmeknowifyouneedanyhelpwitheitherofthose,”
hesays.
Wewalkaroundtheparkonceandthensitatapicnictable.Noahtalksmost
ofthetimeandInodalong.Ifindmyselfzoninginandoutoftheconversation
buthedoesn’tseemtonotice.Weendupwalkingalittle more and cometoa
smallstream.IsnortattheironyandNoahlooksatmequizzically.
“Doyouwanttoswim?”Iask,notquitesurewhyIpushthismomentfurther.
“In there? No way,” he says, laughing, and as I deflate a little, I mentally
smackmyself.IneedtostopcomparingNoahtoHardin.
“Iwasjustjoking,”Ilie,anddraghimalongdownthetrail.
ITISSEVENbeforeweleavethepark,sowedecidetoorderpizzawhenweget
backtomyroomandwatchaclassic:MegRyanfallinginlovewithTomHanks
througharadioshow.IamstarvingbythetimethepizzacomessoIeatalmost
halfofitmyself.Inmydefense,Ihaven’teatenallday.
HalfwaythroughthemoviemyphoneringsandNoahreachesovertograbit
for me. “Who’s Landon?” he asks. There is no suspicion in his voice, only
curiosity.Hehasneverbeenthejealoustype;heneverneededtobe.
Untilnow,mysubconsciousremindsme.
“He’safriendfromschool,”Isayandanswer.WhywouldLandonbecalling
mesolate?He’snevercalledmeforanythingotherthantocomparenotes.
“Tessa?”Landonsaysloudly.
“Yeah,iseverythingokay?”
“Um,well,no,actually.IknowNoahistherebut...”Hehesitates.
“What’swrong,Landon?”Myheartstartstorace.“Areyouokay?”
“Yeah,it’snotme.It’sHardin.”
Panicovertakesme.“H-Hardin?”Istutter.
“Yeah,ifIgiveyouanaddresscanyoucomehere,please?”Ihearsomething
crashinthebackground.IjumpoffmybedandIhavemyshoesonbeforemy
mindcatchesup.Noahstandsup,too,almostasifinsympathy.
“Landon,isHardintryingtohurtyou?”Mymindcan’tmake sense ofwhat
elsecouldbegoingon.
“No,no,”hesays.
“Textmetheaddress,”Itellhimandthenhearanothercrash.
IturntoNoah.“Noah,Ineedyourcar.”
Hisheadturnssideways.“Whatisgoingon?”
“Idon’tknow...it’sHardin.Givemeyourkeys,”Idemand.
He reaches into his pocket and pulls them out, but says insistently, “I’m
comingwithyou.”
ButIsnatchthekeysfromhishandsandshakemyhead.“No,you...Ineed
togoalone.”
Mywordshurthim.Helookshurt.AndIknowit’swrongtoleavehimhere,
butrightnowtheonlythingIcanthinkaboutisgettingtoHardin.
chaptertwenty-nine
Landon’s text reads 2875 Cornell Rd, which I copy and paste into my maps
program,whichsaysthedriveisfifteenminutes.Whatcouldbegoingonthere
thatLandoncouldpossiblyneedme?
I’m just as confused when I arrive at the address as I was when I left my
room.Noahhascalledtwice,bothofwhichI’veignored;Ineedthenavigation
tostayonthescreenand,honestly,theconfusedlookonhisfacewhenIlefthim
thereishauntingme.
Thehouseson the streetarealllargeandlooklikemansions.This house in
particular is at least three times larger than my mothers. It’s an old-fashioned
brickhousewithaslopedyardthatmakesitappeartobesittingonahill.Even
underthestreetlights,it’sbeautiful.I’mguessingthismustbeHardin’sfathers
house, since this doesn’t belong to a college kid and it’s the only reason why
Landon would be here as well. I take a deep breath, get out, and walk up the
stepsfromthesidewalk.Iknockhardonthedarkmahoganydoor,anditopens
withinseconds.
“Tessa,thankyouforcoming.I’msorry,Iknowyouhavecompany.IsNoah
withyou?”Landonasksandlooksouttothecarwhilegesturingmeinside.
“No,he’sbackatthedorms.What’sgoingon?Where’sHardin?”
“Thebackyard.Heisoutofcontrol.”Hesighs.
“And I am here because . . .?” I ask as nicely as I can. What does Hardin
beingoutofcontrolhavetodowithme?
“Idon’tknow,Iknowyouhatehim,butyoudotalktohim.He’sreallydrunk,
completely belligerent. He showed up here and opened a bottle of his fathers
scotch.Hedrankoverhalfthebottle!Andthenhestartedbreakingthings:allmy
mothersdishes,aglasscabinet,basicallyeverythinghecouldgethishandson.”
“What?Why?”Hardintoldmehedoesn’tdrink—wasthatalie,too?
“Hisdadjusttoldhimthatheandmymotheraregettingmarried...”
“Okay?”I’mstillconfused.“SoHardindoesn’twantthemtogetmarried?”I
askasLandonleadsmethroughthelargekitchen,whereIgaspasItakeinthe
hugemessHardinhasmade.Brokendishesarescatteredacrossthefloor,anda
largewoodencabinethasbeenknockedover,itsglasspanelsshattered.
“No, but it’s a long story. Right after his dad called and told him, they left
town for the weekend to celebrate. I think that’s why Hardin came here, to
confronthisdad.Henevercomeshere,”heexplainsandopensthebackdoor.
Iseeashadowsittingatasmalltableonthepatio.Hardin.
“Idon’tknowwhatyouthinkIcando,butI’lltry.”
Landon nods. He leans down and puts his hand on my shoulder. “He was
callingoutforyou,”hetellsmequietly,andmyheartstops.
IwalktowardHardinandhelooksupatme.Hiseyesarebloodshot,andhis
hairishiddenunderagraybeanie.Hiseyesgowide,thendarken,andIwantto
stepback.Helooksalmostscaryunderthedimpatiolight.
“Howdidyougethere—”Hardinsaysloudlyandstandsup.
“Landon...he...”Ianswer,thenwishIhadn’t.
“You fucking called her?” he yells toward Landon, who for his part walks
backinside.
“Youleavehimalone,Hardin—heisworriedaboutyou,”Iscold.
Hesitsbackdown,gesturingformetotakeaseat,too.Isitacrossfromhim
andwatchashegrabsthemostlyemptybottleofdarkliquorandputsittohis
mouth.IwatchhisAdam’sapplemoveashegulpsitdown.Whenhe’sfinished,
heslamsthebottledownontotheglassofthepatiotableanditmakesmejump,
thinkingeitherthebottleorthetableorbothmightbreak.
“Aww,aren’tyoutwosomething.Youbotharesopredictable.PoorHardinis
upset, so you gang up on me and try to make me feel bad for breaking some
shittychina,”hedrawlswithasicksmirk.
“Ithoughtyoudon’tdrink?”Iaskhimandcrossmyarms.
“Idon’t.Untilnow,Iguess.Don’ttrytopatronizeme;you’renobetterthan
me.”Hepointsafingeratme,thengrabsthebottleforanotherswig.
Andit’sscary,butIcan’tdenythatbeingnearhim,eveninhisdrunkenstate,
breatheslifeintome.IhavemissedthefeelingHardingivesme.
“IneversaidIwasbetterthanyou.Ijustwanttoknowwhatmadeyoudrink
now?”
“What does it matter to you? Where’s your boyfriend?” His eyes blaze into
mineandtheemotionbehindthemissostrongthatIamforcedtolookaway.If
onlyIknewwhatthatemotionwas;hatred,Isuppose.
“He’sbackinmyroom.Ijustwanttohelpyou,Hardin.”Ileanalittleover
thetabletoreachforhishand,butherecoilsfrommytouch.
“Helpme?”hecackles.Iwanttoaskhimwhyhewascallingoutformeifhe
isgoingtocontinuetobehateful,butIdon’twanttothrowLandonunderthe
busagain.“Ifyouwanttohelpme,thenleave.”
“Whywon’tyoujusttellmewhat’sgoingon?”Ilookdownatmyhandsand
pickatmyfingernails.
He sighs and pulls his beanie off and runs his hand through his hair before
pullingit back on. “My fatherdecided to tell me justnow that he is marrying
Karen—andthewedding’snext month. Heshouldhave told melongago, and
notoverthephone.I’msureperfectlittleLandon’sknownforawhile.”
Oh.Ihadn’tactuallyexpectedhimtotellme,soIamnotsurewhattosay.“I
amsurehehadhisreasonsnottotellyou.”
“Youdon’tknowhim;hedoesn’tgiveashitaboutme.Youknowhowmany
timesIhavetalkedtohiminthelastyear?Maybeten!Allhecaresaboutishis
bighouse,hisnewsoon-to-bewife,andhisnew,perfectson.”Hardinslursand
takesanotherdrink.Istayquietwhilehecontinues.“Youshouldseethedump
that my mum lives in in England. She says she likes it there, but I know she
doesn’t. It’s smaller than my dad’s bedroom here! My mum practically forced
me to come here for university, to be closer to him—and we see how that
workedout!”
WiththislittlebitofinformationhehasgivenmeIfeellikeIcanunderstand
himsomuchbetter.Hardin’shurt;that’swhyheisthewayheis.
“Howoldwereyouwhenheleft?”Iaskhim.
Heeyesmewarilybutanswers.“Ten.Butevenbeforeheleft,hewasnever
around.Hewasatadifferentbareverynight.Nowhe’sMr.Perfectandhehas
allthisshit,”Hardinsaysandwaveshishandtowardthehouse.
Hardin’sdadleftwhenhewasten,justlikemine,andtheywerebothdrunks.
We have more in common than I thought. This wounded and drunk Hardin
seems so much younger, so much more fragile than the powerful person I’ve
knownsofar.
“I’msorrythatheleftyouguys,but—”
“No,Idon’tneedyourpity,”heinterrupts.
“It’snotpity.I’mjusttryingto—”
“Tryingtowhat?”
“Helpyou.Behereforyou,”Isaysoftly.
Andhesmiles.It’sabeautifullyhauntingsmile,andmakesmehopefulthatI
canhelphimthroughthis,butIknowwhatisreallyabouttohappen.
“Youaresopathetic.Don’tyouseethatIdon’twantyouhere?Idon’twant
youto behere forme. Just because I messed around with you doesn’tmean I
wantanythingtodowithyou.Yethereyouare,leavingyourniceboyfriend—
who can actually stand to be around you—to come here and try to ‘help’ me.
That, Theresa, is the definition of pathetic,” he says, punctuating it with air
quotes.
Hisvoiceisfullofvenom,justlikeIknewitwouldbe,butIignorethepainin
mychest and lookat him. “You don’tmean that.” I thinkback to a week ago
when he was laughing and tossing me into the water. I can’t decide if he is a
greatactor,oragreatliar.
“I do, though; go home,” he tells me and raises the bottle to take another
drink.Reachingacrossthetable,Isnatchitfromhimandtossitintotheyard.
“Whatthehell?”heyells,butIignorehimandwalktowardthebackdoor.
Ihearhimscrambleandthenhestepsinfrontofme.“Whereareyougoing?”
Hisfaceisinchesfrommine.
“IamgoingtohelpLandoncleanupthemessyoumadeandthenIamgoing
home.”MyvoicecomesoutmuchcalmerthanIfeel.
“Whywouldyouhelphim?”Thedisgustinhisvoiceisclear.
“Because he, unlike you, deserves for someone to help him,” I say and his
facefalls.IshouldbesayingmuchmoretoHardin.Ishouldscreamathimfor
thehurtfulthingshe justsaidtome,butIknowthatis whathewants.Thisis
whathedoes:hehurtseveryonenearhimandhegetsakickoutofthechaosthat
comesoutofthat.
Hardinquietlystepsoutofmyway.
WhenIgoinside,IfindLandoncrouchedover,pullingthecabinetupright.
“Where’s the broom?” I ask when he’s done. Landon looks at me with a
thankfulsmile.
“Right over there,” he says, motioning to the broom. “Thank you for
everything.”
I nod and begin sweeping up the smashed dishes.There are just so many.I
feelterrible that when Landon’smom comes back she’ll findall of her dishes
gone.Ihopetheydidn’thaveanysentimentalvaluetoher.
“Ouch!”Igaspwhenasmallpieceofglassdigsintomyfinger.Dropletsof
bloodfallontothewoodenfloor,andIjumpuptoreachthesink.
“Areyouokay?”Landonasks,worried.
“Yeah, it’s just a little piece, I don’t know why there is so much blood.” It
really doesn’t hurt that bad. I close my eyes as the cold water runs over my
finger,andafteracoupleofminutesIhearthebackdooropen.Isnapmyeyes
openandturntoseeHardinstandinginthedoorway.
“Tessa,canItalktoyou,please?”heasks.
I know I should say no, but something about the redness around his eyes
makesmenod.Hiseyeslooktomyhandandthenthebloodonthefloor.
Hewalksovertomequickly.“Areyouokay?Whathappened?”
“It’snothing,justalittleglass,”Itellhim.
Hereachesformyhandandpullsitoutfromunderthewater.Andwhenhe
touchesmyarm,Ifeeltheelectricity.Lookingatmyfinger,hefrowns,thenlets
itgo,walkingovertoLandon.Hewasjustcallingmepathetic,nowheisacting
allconcernedaboutmyhealth?Heisgoingtomakemecrazy,literallycrazy,as
inlockedinapaddedroom.
“WherearetheBand-Aids?”hepracticallydemandsofLandon,andLandon
tellshimthey’reinthebathroom.WithinaminuteHardinisbackandhegrabs
my hand again. First he squeezes some antibacterial gel onto my cut, then he
wrapsaBand-Aidaroundmyfingergently.Istayquiet,asconfusedbyHardin’s
actionsasLandonlooks.
“Can I talk to you, please?” he asks again, and thought I know I shouldn’t,
sincewhendoIdowhatIshouldwhenHardinisinvolved?
Inod,andhewrapshisfingersaroundmywristandleadsmeoutside.
chapterthirty
Backatthepatiotable,Hardinletsgoofmywristandpullsoutthechairforme.
Feelinglikemyskinisliterallyburningfromhistouch,Irubmyfingersoverit
ashegrabstheotherchairanddragsitacrosstheconcretetositdirectlyinfront
ofme.Whenhesits,he’ssoclosethathiskneesarealmosttouchingmine.
“What could you possibly want to talk about, Hardin?” I ask him in the
harshesttoneIcanmuster.
Hetakesadeepbreathandpullshisbeanieoffagainandplacesitonthetable.
Iwatchashislongfingersrunthroughhisthickhairandhelooksintomyeyes.
“Iamsorry,”hesayswithanintensitythatmakesmelookawayandfocuson
thelargetreeinthebackyard.Heleansinclose.“Didyouhearme?”heasks.
“Yeah,Iheardyou,”Isnapandstarebackathim.HeiscrazierthanIthought
ifhethinkshecanjustsaysorryandIwillforgetthehorriblethingshecontinues
todotomeonanalmostdailybasis.
“You’resodamneddifficulttodealwith,”hesaysandsitsbackonhischair.
ThebottleItossedintotheyardisnowinhishand,andhetakesanotherdrink
fromit.Howishenotpassedoutyet?
Iam difficult?You haveto bekidding me!What doyou expectme todo,
Hardin?Youarecrueltome—socruel,”Isayandpullmybottomlipbetween
myteeth.Iwillnotcryinfrontofhimagain.Noahhasnevermademecry;we
havebeeninafewfightsovertheyears,butIhaveneverbeenupsetenoughto
cry.
Hisvoiceislowandalmostfeelslikeit’spartofthenightair“Idon’tmeanto
be.”
Yes, you do, and you know it. You do it purposefully. I have never been
treatedthispoorlybyanyoneinmyentirelife.”Ibitemylipharder.Icanfeel
theknotinmythroat.IfIcry,hewins.That’swhathewants.
“Thenwhydoyoukeepcomingaround?Whynotjustgiveup?”
“IfI...Idon’tknow.ButIcanassureyouthataftertonightIamnotgoingto.
IamgoingtodropLiteratureandjusttakeitnextsemester.”Ihadn’tplannedon
doingthatuntilnow,butitisexactlywhatIshoulddo.
“Don’t,pleasedon’tdothat.”
“Whywouldyoucare?Youdon’twanttobeforcedtobearoundsomeoneas
patheticasme,right?”Mybloodisboiling.IfIknewwhattosaytohurthimas
badashealwayshurtsme,Iwould.
“Ididn’tmeanthat...I’mthepatheticone.”
Ilookstraightathim.“Well,Iwon’targuewiththat.”
Hetakesanotherdrink,andwhenIreachforthebottle,hepullsitaway.
“Soyou’retheonlyonewhocangetdrunk?”Iask,andawrysmileappears
onhisface.Thepatiolightshinesoffhiseyebrowringashehandsmethebottle.
“Ithoughtyouweregoingtotossitagain.”
Ishould,butinsteadIputthebottletomylips.Theliquoriswarmandtastes
likeburntlicoricedippedinrubbingalcohol.IgagandHardinchuckles.
“Howoftendoyoudrink?Youimpliedbeforeitwasnever,”Isay.Ineedto
getbacktobeingangrywithhimafterheanswers.
“Beforetonightithasbeenaboutsixmonths.”Hiseyesfalltothefloorlikehe
isashamed.
“Well, you shouldn’t drink at all. It makes you an even worse person than
usual.”
Stillstaringattheground,hisfaceisserious.“YouthinkIamabadperson?”
What,ishethatdrunkthathewouldeverconsiderhimselfgood?
“Yes.”
“I’m not. Well, maybe I am. I want you to . . .” he starts, but then stops,
straightensup,andleansbackonthechair.
“Youwantmetowhat?”Ihavetoknowwhathewasgoingtosay.Ihandhim
backthebottle,buthesetsitonthetable.Idon’twanttodrink;theonewasbad
enough,giventheterriblejudgmentIhavearoundHardinasitis.
“Nothing,”hesays,lying.
WhyamIevenhere?Noahisbackinmyroomwaitingforme,andhereIam
wastingevenmoretimeon Hardin. “Ishouldgo.”I stand upandheadfor the
backdoor.
“Don’t go,” his voice says softly. And my feet stop in their tracks at the
pleadingtone.IturnaroundtofindHardinlessthanafootfromme.
“Whynot?Doyouhavemoreinsultstothrowinmyface?”Ishoutandturn
away.Hishandwrapsaroundmyarmandjerksmeback.
“Don’tturnyourbackonme!”heshoutsevenlouderthanIdid.
“Ishouldhaveturnedmybackonyoualongtimeago!”Iscreamandpush
againsthischest.“Idon’tknowwhyIamevenhere!Icameallthewayherethe
secondLandoncalledme!Ileftmyboyfriend—who,likeyousaid,istheonly
one who can stand to be around me—to come here for you! You know what?
You’reright,Hardin,Iampathetic.Iampatheticforcominghere,Iampathetic
foreventrying—”
ButI’mcutoffbyhislipsagainstmine.Ipushathischesttostophim,buthe
doesn’tbudge.Everypartofmewantstokisshimback,butIstopmyself.Ifeel
his tongue trying to pry its way in between my lips and his strong arms wrap
aroundme,pullingmeclosertohimdespitemyattemptstopushaway.It’sno
use;heisstrongerthanme.
“Kissme,Tessa,”hesaysagainstmylips.
Ishakemyheadandhegruntsinfrustration.“Please,justkissme.Ineedyou”
Hiswordsunravelme.Thisindecent,drunken,terriblemanjustsaidheneeds
me,andsomehowitsoundslikepoetrytomyears.Hardinislikeadrug;each
time I take the tiniest bit of him, I crave more and more. He consumes my
thoughtsandinvadesmydreams.
The second my lips part, his mouth is on mine again, but this time I don’t
resist. I can’t. I know this isn’t the answer to my problems and that I’m just
diggingmyselfdeeper,butthatdoesn’tmatterrightnow.Allthatmattersishis
words,andhowhesaidthem:Ineedyou.
CouldHardin possibly need me theway I desperately need him?I doubt it,
butforrightnowIwanttopretendthathedoes.Hebringsoneofhishandsto
cup my cheek and he runs his tongue along my bottom lip. I shudder and he
smiles,hislipringticklingthecornerofmymouth.Iheararustlingnoiseand
pull away. He lets me stop the kiss, but he keeps his arms wrapped tightly
aroundme,hisbodypressedagainstmine.Ilooktowardthebackdoorandpray
thatLandondidn’twitnessmyterriblelapseofjudgment.Idon’tseehim,thank
God.
“Hardin,Ireallyhavetogo.Wecan’tkeepdoingthis;it’snotgoodforeither
ofus,”Itellhimandlookdown.
“Yes,wecan,”hesaysandliftsmychinup,forcingmetolookintohisgreen
eyes.
“No, we can’t. You hate me, and I don’t want to be your punching bag
anymore.Youconfuse me. Oneminuteyou’re telling mehowmuch you can’t
stand me or humiliating me after my most intimate experience.” He opens his
mouth to interrupt me and I put my finger against his pink lips and continue.
“Thenthe nextminute you’re kissing me and telling me you needme. Idon’t
likewhoIamwhenI’mwithyou,andIhatethewayIfeelafteryousayterrible
thingstome.”
“Whoareyouwhenyouarewithme?”Hisgreeneyesstudymyface,waiting
formyreply.
“Someone I don’t want to be, someone who cheats on their boyfriend and
criesconstantly,”Iexplain.
“Youknow who I think youare whenyou’re with me?” He runs his thumb
alongmyjawline,andItrytostayfocused.
“Who?”
“Yourself.Ithinkthisistherealyouandthatyou’rejusttoobusycaringwhat
everyoneelsethinksaboutyoutorealizeit.”
Idon’tknowwhatIthinkaboutthis,buthesoundssohonest,sosureofhis
answerthatItakeasecondtoreallythinkabouthiswords.“AndIknowwhatI
didtoyouafterIfingeredyou.”Henoticesmyscowlandcontinues.“Sorry...
afterourexperience,Iknowitwaswrong.Ifeltterribleafteryougotoutofmy
car.”
“Idoubtthat,”Isnap,rememberinghowmuchIcriedthatnight.
“It’strue,Iswearit.IknowyouthinkI’mabadperson...butyoumakeme
—”Hedrawsupshort.“Nevermind.”
Whydoeshealwaysstop?
“Finish that sentence, Hardin, or I am leaving right now,” I tell him. And
meanit.
The way his eyes seem to burn when he looks at me, the way his lips part
slowly,asifeverywordwillholdsomething,alieoratruth,itmakesmewait
forhisresponse.“You...youmakemewanttobegood,foryou...Iwantto
begoodforyou,Tess.”
chapterthirty-one
Itrytotakeastepbackfromhim,buthisgripistoostrong.Imusthaveheard
himwrong.Myemotionsaregettingthebestofme,soIturnandlookoutinto
the darkness of the backyard, trying to make sense of the meaning behind his
words.Hardinwantstobebetterforme?Inwhatway?Hecouldn’tmeanit...
Couldhe?
Ilookbackathim,myeyeshazy.“What?”
Helooksunaffected...truthful?Hopeful?What?“Youheardme.”
“No.I’msureImisunderstood.”
“No,youdidn’t.You makemefeel. . .somethingunfamiliar.Idon’tknow
howtohandlethesetypesoffeelings,Tessa,soIdotheonlythingIknowhow
todo.”Hepausesandblowsoutasmallbreath.“Whichisbeanasshole.”
OnceagainIfindmyselfinatrance.
“Thiscouldneverwork,Hardin,wearesodifferent.Firstoff,youdon’tdate,
remember?”
“We aren’t that different—we like the same things; we both love books for
example,”hesays,tracesofliquorinhisbreath.
Evenstandinghere,Ican’twrapmymindaroundtheideaofHardintryingto
convince me that we could be good together. “You don’t date,” I remind him
again.
“Iknow,butwecould...befriends?”
There it is. We are back to square one. “I thought you said we couldn’t be
friends?AndIwon’tbefriendswithyou—Iknowwhatyoumeanbythat.You
wantallthebenefitsofbeingaboyfriendwithoutactuallyhavingtocommit.”
Hisbodyswaysandheleansonthetableandloosenshisgriponme.“Whyis
thatsobad?Whydoyouneedthelabel?”I’mthankfulforthespacebetweenus
andthefresh,scotch-freeair.
“Because,Hardin,eventhoughI’venotreallyhadalotofrestraintlately,Ido
haveself-respect.Iwillnotbeyourplaything,especiallywhenitinvolvesbeing
treatedlikedirt.”Iraisemyhandsintotheair.“Andbesides,I’malreadytaken,
Hardin.”
Hardin’sevildimplescomeoutwithhissmirk.“Andyet,lookwhereyouare
rightnow.”
Reflexively,Iblurtout,“Ilovehimandhelovesme,”andthenwatchHardin’s
expressionchange.Heletsgoofmeandstumblesoverthechair.
“Don’tsaythattome.”Heslurshiswords,whicharecomingoutfasterthan
before.Ialmostforgothowdrunkhewas.
“You’reonlysayingthisbecauseyou’redrunk;tomorrowyouwillgobackto
hatingme.”
“Idon’thateyou.”Hegoesintothelawnabit.
I wish he didn’thave this effect on me. I wish I could just walk away. But
insteadIstickaroundandhearhimsay,“Ifyoucanlookmeintheeyesandtell
me that you want me to leave you alone and never speak to you again, I will
listen.Iswear,fromthispointonIwillnevercomenearyouagain.Justsaythe
words.”
Iopenmymouthtotellhimjustthat.Totellhimtostayfarawayfromme,to
tellhimIneverwanttolayeyesonhimagain.
Heturnsandcomescloser.“Tellme,Tessa,tellmethatyouneverwanttosee
meagain.”Thenhe’stouchingme.Herunshishandsalongmyarmsandgoose
bumpsimmediatelyraiseonmyskin.“Tellmeyouneverwanttofeelmytouch
again,”hewhispers,bringinghishandtomyneck.Hisindexfingertracesalong
mycollarboneandbackupanddownmyneck.Ihearmybreathingquickenas
hebringshislipslessthananinchfrommine.“Thatyouneverwantmetokiss
youagain,”hesays,andIcansmellthescotchandfeeltheheatoffhisbreath.
“Tellme,Theresa,”hecoosandIwhimper.
“Hardin,”Iwhisper.
“You can’t resist me, Tessa, just as I can’t resist you.” His lips are close to
mine;theyarealmosttouching.
“Staywithmetonight?”heasks,andmakesmewanttodowhateverhesays.
A movement by the door catches my eye and I jerk away from Hardin.
Looking up, I see Landon’s face twisted with confusion before he turns away
anddisappearsfromthedoorway.
Iamsnappedbackintoreality.
“Ihavetogo,”IsayandHardincursesunderhisbreath.
“Please, please stay. Just stay with me tonight, and if you decide in the
morningtotellmeyoudon’twanttoseemeanymore...justpleasestay.Iam
beggingyouandIdon’tbeg,Theresa.”
IfindmyselfnoddingbeforeIcanstopmyself.“AndwhatwillItellNoah?
He is waiting for me and I have his car.” I can’t believe I am actually
consideringdoingthis.
“Justtellhimthatyouhavetostaybecause...Idon’tknow.Don’ttellhim
anything.What’stheworstthinghecando?”
Ishudder.Hewilltellmymother.Withoutadoubt.IrritationtowardNoahfills
me; I should not have to worry about my boyfriend telling my mother on me,
evenifIdosomethingwrong.
“Heisprobablyasleepanyway,”Hardinsays.
“No,hehasnowaytogetbacktohishotel.”
“Hotel?Wait—hedoesn’tstaywithyou?”
“No,hehasahotelroomcloseby.”
“Andyoustaytherewithhim?”
“No,hestaysthere,”Isaysheepishly,“andIstayinmyroom.”
“Ishestraight?”Hardinasks,hisbloodshoteyesdancinginamusement.
Myeyesgowide.“Ofcourseheis!”
“Sorry,butsomethingisnotrightthere.Ifyouweremine,Iwouldn’tbeable
tostayawayfromyou.IwouldfuckyoueverychanceIhad.”
Mymouthfallsopen.Hardin’sdirtywordshavethestrangesteffectonme.I
flushandlookaway.
“Let’s go inside,” I hear him say. “The trees are swaying back and forth. I
thinkthatismycueI’vehadwaytoomuchtodrink.”
“You’restayinghere?”Ihadassumedhewouldgobacktohisfrathouse.
“Yeah,andsoareyou.Let’sgo.”Hegrabsmyhandandwewalktowardthe
backdoor.
IwillhavetofindLandonandtrytoexplainwhathesawthroughthedoor.I
don’tknowwhat’shappeningmyself,soI’mnotsurehowIwillexplainit,butI
have to make him understand somehow. As we walk through the kitchen, I
noticethemessisalmostcompletelycleanedup.
“Youneedtocleantherestofthistomorrow,”Itellhimandhenods.
“Iwill,”hepromises.YetanotherpromiseIhopehekeeps.
Myhandinhis,heleadsmeupthegrandstaircase.Ipraythatwedon’trun
intoLandoninthehallwayandIamrelievedwhenwedon’t.
Hardinopensthedoortoapitch-blackroomandgentlypullsmeinside.
chapterthirty-two
Myeyesadjusttothedarkness,buttheonlylightisasmallstreakofmoonlight
comingthroughthebaywindow.“Hardin?”Iwhisper.
IhearhimcurseashetripsoversomethingandItrynottolaugh.
“I’mrighthere,”he saysandclicksonadesklamp.Ilookaround thelarge
room, which reminds me of a hotel. A four-poster bed with dark linens is
centered against the far wall and looks like a king-size with at least twenty
pillowsontop.Thedeskisoversizeandmadeofcherrywood,andthecomputer
sittingonithasabiggermonitorthanthetelevisioninmydormroom.Thebay
window has a built-in bench while the other windows are masked with thick
navycurtainsthatdon’tallowthemoontoshinethrough.
“Thisismy...room,”hesaysandrubsthebackofhisneckwithhishand.
Helooksalmostembarrassed.
“Youhavearoomhere?”Iask,butofcoursehedoes.Itishisfathershouse
and Landon obviously lives here. Landon had mentioned that Hardin never
comes here, so maybe that is why it looks so museum-like, untouched and
impersonal.
“Yeah...Ihaven’teveractuallysleptinit...untiltonight.”Hesitsonthe
chestplacedatthefootofthebedanduntieshisboots.Hepullshissocksoffand
tucksthemintotheshoes.MyheartswellsattheideathatIampartofafirstfor
Hardin.
“Oh.Whyisthat?”Iamtakingadvantageofhisdrunkenhonesty.
“BecauseIdon’twantto.Ihateithere,”heanswersquietlyandunbuttonshis
blackpantsandpullsthemdownhislegs.
“Whatareyoudoing?”
“Gettingundressed?”hesays,statingtheobvious.
“I mean, why?” Even though part of me is dying to feel his hands on me
again,Ihopehedoesn’tthinkI’mgoingtohavesexwithhim.
“Well,Iamnotsleepinginskinnyjeansandboots,”hehalflaughs.Hishand
sweepsthehairoffhisforehead,makingitstandstraightup.Everythinghedoes
sendsthatwildfeelingthroughmybody.
“Oh.”
Hepullshisshirtoverhishead,andIcan’tlookaway.Histattooedstomachis
flawless. He tosses the T-shirt at me, but I don’t catch it, letting it fall to the
ground.Iraiseoneeyebrowathimandhesmiles.
“You can sleep in that. I assume you won’t want to sleep in just your
underwear.Butofcourse,Iamperfectlyfinewithitifyoudo.”HewinksandI
giggle.
WhyamIgiggling?Ican’tsleepinhisT-shirt,Iwillfeeltoonaked.
“I’mfinesleepinginthis,”Itellhim
Heeyesmyoutfit.Hehasn’tmadeasinglerudecommentaboutmylongskirt
orlooseblueblouse,soIhopehedoesn’tstartnow.
“Fine.Suityourself;ifyouwanttobeuncomfortable,goahead.”He moves
towardthebedinonlyhisboxersandbeginstotossthedecorativepillowsonto
thefloor.
I walk over and open the chest, and just as I had thought, it is empty.“Oh,
don’t throw those down. They go in here,” I tell him, but he just laughs and
tossesanotherontothefloor.
Groaning,Igatherthepillowsandstuffthemintothechest.Heagainchuckles
andpullsbackthecomforterbeforeploppingdownontothebed.Hecrosseshis
arms behind his head, then crosses his feet and gives me a smile. The words
tattooedonhisribsarestretchedbecauseofthepositionofhisarms.Hislong,
leanbodylooksexquisite.
“You’renotgoingtowhineaboutsleepinginthebedwithme,areyou?”he
asks,andIrollmyeyes.Iactuallywasn’tgoingto.Iknowit’swrong,butIwant
tosleepinthebedwithHardinmorethanIthinkIhaveeverwantedanything.
“No,thebedisbigenoughforbothofus,”Isaywithasmile.Idon’tknowif
it’sHardin’ssmileorthefactthatheiswearingonlyboxers,butI’minamuch
bettermoodthanbefore.
“Nowthat’stheTessaIlove,”heteasesandmyheartlurchesathischoiceof
words.Iknowhedoesn’t,andwouldnever,meanitthatway,butitsoundedso
nicecomingoffhislips.
Iclimbontothebedandscoottotheedge,asfarawayfromHardin’sbodyas
Ican.AnyfartherandI’llfalloff.IhearhimchuckleandIrolloveronmyside
tofacehim.“Whatissofunny?”
“Nothing,” he lies, and bites his lip trying not to laugh. I like this playful
Hardin;hishumoriscontagious.
“Tellme!”Ipoutandpuckeroutmybottomlip.Hiseyesgostraighttomy
mouthandherunshistonguealonghislipsbeforehookinghislipringbetween
histeeth.
“You’veneversleptinabedwithaguybefore,haveyou?”Herollsontohis
sideandmovesalittleclosertome.
“No,” I simply answer, and his smile grows. We are only a couple of feet
apart, and before I know what I’m doing, my hand reaches out and pokes the
littledimpleon his cheek.His eyes dartto mine insurprise.I starttopull my
handaway,buthegrabsitandputsitbackagainsthischeek,thenmovesitup
anddownhischeekslowly.
“Idon’tknowwhynoonehasfuckedyouyet;allthatplanningyoudomust
helpyouputupareallygoodresistance,”hesays,andIgulp.
“I’veneverreallyhadto resistanyone,”Iadmit.Guysinhighschoolfound
meattractiveandhitonmeenough,butnooneevertriedtoactuallyhavesex
with me. They all knew I was with Noah; we were well liked and were both
votedontoHomecomingCourteveryyear.
“That’seitheralieoryouwenttoanall-blindhighschool.Yourlipsaloneare
enoughtomakemehard.”
Igaspathiswordsandhechuckles.Hebringsmyhandtohismouthandruns
it along his wet lips. His breath is hot against my fingers, and I’m surprised
whenhebareshisteethandgentlybitesthepadofmyindexfinger,somehow
makingmefeelitinthepitofmystomach.Hemovesmyhanddowntohisneck
andmyfingertipstracetheswirlofanivybranchtattooonhisneck.Hewatches
mecarefullybutdoesn’tstopme.
“You like the way I talk to you, don’t you?” His expression is dark but so
sexy. My breathing hitches and he smiles again. “I can see the blush in your
cheeksandIcanhearthewayyourbreathinghaschanged.Answerme,Tessa,
putthosefulllipsofyourstouse,”hesays,andIgiggle—Idon’tknowwhatelse
todo.Iwillneveradmitthewayhiswordsturnsomethingondeepinsideofme.
Heletsgoofmyhandbutwrapshisfingersaroundmywristandclosesthe
gapbetweenus.Iamhot,toohot.IneedtocooldownorIwillstartsweating
soon.
“Canyouturnthefanon?”Iaskandhefurrowshisbrow.“Please.”
Hesighsbutclimbsoffthebed.“Ifyouarehot,whydon’tyouchangeoutof
thoseheavyclothes;thatskirtlooksitchyanyway.”
Ihadbeenwaitingonhimtoteasemeformyclothes,butthisonlymakesme
smile,sinceIcanseehistruemotivehere.
“You should dress for your body, Tessa. These clothes you wear hide all of
yourcurves.IfIhadn’tseenyou in your bra and panties, I wouldneverknow
howsexyandcurvyyourbodyactuallyis.Thatskirtliterallylookslikeapotato
sack.”
I laugh, even though he is insulting me and somehow managing to
compliment me at the same time. “What do you suggest I wear? Fishnets and
tubetops?”
“No, well, I might love to see that, but no. You can still cover yourself but
wearclothesyoursize.Thatshirthidesyourchest,too,andyourtitsarenothing
youshouldbehiding.”
“Willyoustopusingthosewords!”Iscoldhimandhesmiles.
Rejoiningmeonthebed,hescootshispracticallynakedbodyclosetomine.I
am still hot, but Hardin’s odd way of complimenting me has given me a new
waveofconfidence.Iclimboutofbed.
“Whereareyougoing?”heslurs,hisvoicepanicked.
“Tochange,”Isay,andwalkovertograbhisT-shirtfromthefloor.“Nowturn
aroundanddon’tpeek.”Iputmyhandsonmyhips.
“No.”
“Whatdoyoumean,‘no’?”Howcanhebetellingmeno?
“Iwon’tturnaround.Iwanttoseeyou.”
“Oh,okay.”ButIjustsmile,shakemyhead,andturnthelightoff.
Hardinwhines,andIsmiletomyselfasIunzipmyskirt.Itpoolsatmyfeet
whenanotherlightclickson.
“Hardin!” I hurry and pick the skirt back up. Hardin is leaning up on his
elbowstolookatme,andheisn’tshyabouthiseyesmovingupanddownmy
body.He’sseenmeinlessclothingbefore,andIknowheisn’tgoingtolisten,so
Itakeadeepbreathandpullmyshirtovermyhead.NotthatIwon’tadmitthat
I’menjoyingthislittlegamewehavegoingrightnow.IknowdeepdownIwant
himtolookatme,thatIwanthimtowantme.I’mwearingaplainwhitebraand
whitepanties,nothingfancyorspecial,butHardin’sexpressionmakesmefeel
sexy. I take his T-shirt and pull it over my head. It smells so good, just like
Hardin.
“Come here,” he whispers from where he lies. I ignore my subconscious
tellingmetorunawayasfastasIcan,andwalktowardthebed.
chapterthirty-three
Hardin’s blazing eyes don’tleave mine as I make my way to him. I prop my
knee up on the bed and push myself onto it. At the same time, Hardin lifts
himselfupsohisbackisagainsttheheadboardandholdshishandoutformine.
ThesecondIplacemysmallhandinhis,hewrapshisfingersarounditandpulls
me onto him. My knees go around his sides and I am straddling his lap. I’ve
donethisbeforewithhim,butneverwearingsolittleclothing.Iholdmyselfup
usingmykneessowe aren’ttouching,butHardinisn’thavingit.Hepositions
his hands on my hips and gently pushes me down. His T-shirt bunches at my
sides,baringmythighscompletely,andIamsuddenlygladthatIshavedmylegs
this morning. The second our bodies touch my stomach begins to stir. I know
thishappinessthatIfeelisn’tgoingtolast,andIfeellikeCinderella,waitingfor
theclocktostrikeandendmyblissfulnight.
“Muchbetter,”hesaysandgivesmeacrookedsmile.
Iknowhe’sdrunkandthat’swhyheisbeingsonice—well,niceforhim—but
rightnowIwilltakeit.Ifthisistrulymylasttimearoundhim,thenthisishowI
wanttospendit.Ikeeptellingmyselfthat.IcanbehavehoweverIwanttonight
withHardinbecausewhenthedaylightcomes,Iamgoingtotellhimneverto
comenearmeagain,andhewilloblige.It’sforthebest,andIknowthatiswhat
hewillwantwhenheisn’tintoxicated.Inmydefense,Iamjustasintoxicatedby
Hardinasheisbythebottleofscotchheconsumed.Ikeeptellingmyselfthat,
too.
As Hardin continues to stare into my eyes, I begin to feel nervous. What
shouldIdonext?IhavenoideawherehewantstotakethisandIdon’twantto
makeafooloutofmyselfbytryingtodosomethingfirst.
Heseemstonoticemyuncomfortableexpression.
“What’swrong?”heasks,andbringsahandtomyface.Hisfingertracesover
mycheekboneandmyeyesinvoluntarilycloseathissurprisinglygentletouch.
“Nothing...Ijustdon’tknowwhattodo,”Iadmitandlookdown.
“Dowhateveryouwanttodo,Tess.Don’toverthinkit.”
Ileanbackalittletocreateaboutafootofspacebetweenourtorsosandbring
myhanduptohisbarechest.Ilookathimforpermissionandhenods.Ipress
bothhandsagainsthischestsoftlyandhecloseshiseyes.Myfingerstracethe
birdsonhischestanddowntothedeadtreeonhisstomach.Hiseyelashesflutter
as I trace the scripture on his ribs. His expression is so calm, but his chest is
moving up and down quicker than it was a few moments ago. I’m unable to
control myself as I bring my hand down and run my index finger along the
waistband of his boxers. His eyes shoot open and he looks nervous. Hardin,
nervous?
“CanI...um...touchyou?”IaskwiththehopethathegetswhatImean
without me having to say it. I feel detached from myself. Who is this girl
straddlingthispunkboyandaskingtotouchhim...downthere?Ithinkbackto
what Hardin said earlier about me being my true self with him. Maybe he is
right.IlovethewayIfeelrightnow.Ilovetheelectricityshootingthroughmy
bodywhenwe’relikethis.
Henods.“Please.”
SoIlowermyhand, keepingitontopofhisboxers,andslowlyIreachthe
slightbulgeinthefabric.HesucksinabreathasIgrazemyhandoverhim.I
don’t know what to do, so I just keep touching it, running my fingers up and
down. I am too nervous to look up at him, so I keep my eyes on his growing
crotch.
“Doyouwantmetoshowyouwhattodo?”heasksquietly,hisvoiceshaky.
Theusualcockydemeanorhasshiftedintosomethingmysterious.
Inodandheputshishandovermine,bringingitdowntotouchhimagain.He
opensmyhandandmakesmyfingerscuparoundhislength.Whenhesucksa
breathbetweenhislips,Ilookupathimthroughmylashes.Hetakeshishand
offmine,givingmefullcontrol.
“Fuck, Tessa, don’t do that,” he growls. Confused, I still my hand and am
abouttojerkitawaywhenhespeaksup.“No,no,notthat.Keepdoingthat—I
meandon’tlookatmethatway.”
“Whatway?”
“Thatinnocentway—thatlookthatmakesmewanttodosomanydirtythings
toyou.”
Iwanttothrowmyselfbackontothebedandlethimdowhateverhewants.I
wanttobehis—tobefreedforamomentfromwhateveritisthatmakesmeso
scaredsometimes.Igivehimasmallsmileandbegintomovemyhandagain.I
want to take his boxers off, but I’m afraid to. A moan escapes his lips and I
tightenmygrip;Iwanttohearthatsoundagain.Idon’tknowifIshouldmove
myhandfasterornot,soIkeepmymovementsslowandtight,andheseemsto
likeit.Ileaninandpressmylipsagainsttheclammyskinofhisneck,causing
himtomoanagain.
“Fuck,Tess,yourhandfeelssogoodwrappedaroundme.”Igivehimalittle
tightersqueeze and hewinces. “Not thathard, baby,” he saysin avoice that’s
softandsoundslikeitcouldneverbethesameonethatmockedmebefore.
“Sorry,”Isayandkisshisneckagain.Mytonguerunsovertheskinbeneath
hisearandhis body jumps.Hishandsgoto my chestandhecups my breasts
beneathhishands.
“CanI.Take.Off.Your...bra?”
Hisvoiceissouncontrolledandraspy;I’mamazedbytheeffectIamhaving
on him. I nod and his eyes light up in excitement. His hands are shaky as he
reachesundertheshirtandupmyback,unclaspingmybraassoonashisfingers
touch the strap with a dexterity that makes me think for a minute about how
manytimeshehasdonethisbefore.Iforcethethoughtstothebackofmymind,
andHardinslidesthestrapsdownmyarms,makingmeletgoofhim.Tossing
mybraoffthebed,hereturnshishandsupundermyshirtandgrabsholdofmy
breasts again. His fingers lightly pinch my nipples as he leans forward to kiss
me.Imoanintohismouthandreachdownandgrabhislengthagain.
“Oh,Tessa,I’mgoingtocome,”hesays,andIfeelthewetnessgrowinginmy
pantieseventhoughheisonlytouchingmychest.IfeellikeImaycome,too,
fromhismoans and hisgentleassaultagainst my breastsalone.His legs tense
undermeandhiskissbecomessloppier.Hishandsdropdownbyhissides,andI
feelawetnessspreadthroughhisboxersandpullmyhandaway.Ihavenever
madeanyoneelsecomebefore.Mychestheats,fillingwithastrangenewsense
thatI’mnowonestepclosertobeingawoman.Staringdownatthewetspoton
Hardin’sboxers,IlovethecontrolIfeeloverhim.IlovethatIcouldbringhis
bodypleasurethewayhedoesmine.
Hardin’s head rolls back and he takes a few deep breaths while I sit on his
thighs,unsurewhattodo.Afteramoment,hiseyesopenandheliftshishead
backuptolookatme.Alazysmilecrosseshisfaceandheleansforwardtokiss
meonmyforehead.
“I have never come like that before,” he says, and I am back to being
embarrassed.
“Itwasthatbad?”Iaskandtrytomoveoffhislegs.Hestopsme.
“What? No, you were that good. It usually takes more than someone just
grabbingmethroughmyboxers.”
Apangofjealousyhitsme.Idon’twanttothinkaboutalltheothergirlsthat
have made Hardin feel this way. He takes in my silence and cups my cheek,
brushinghisthumbalongmytemple.Iamcomfortedbythefactthattheothers
hadtodomorethanIdid,butIstillwishthereweren’tanyothers.Idon’tknow
why I bother to feel this way; Hardin and I are still unresolved. We are never
goingtodateorbeanythingotherthanthis,butrightnow,Ijustwanttolivein
themoment,justthetwoofus.Ilaughalittleasthethoughtcrossesmymind.I
amnota“liveinthemoment”typeofpersonatall.
“Whatareyouthinking?”heasks,butIshakemyhead.Idon’twant to tell
himaboutmyjealousthoughts.It’snotfair,andIdon’twantthatconversation.
“Ohcomeon,Tessa,justtellme,”hesays,andIshakemyheadagain.Ina
veryun-Hardinmovehegrabsholdofmyhipsandbeginstotickleme.Iscream
withlaughterandfalloffhimandontothesoftbed.Hecontinuestotickleme
until I can’t breathe. His laughter booms through the room—and it’s the most
beautifulsoundIhaveeverheard.Ihaveneverheardhimlaughthisway, and
something tells me hardly anyone has. Despite his flaws, his many flaws, I
considermyselfluckytoseehiminthismoment.
“Okay...okay!Iwilltellyou!”Iscreechandhestops.
“Goodchoice,”hesays.Butlookingdown,headds,“Butholdthatthought.I
needtochangemyboxers.”
Iblush.
chapterthirty-four
Hardingoesovertohisdresserandopensthetopdrawer,pullingoutapairof
blue-and-whiteplaidboxers,andholdsthemupintheairwithadisgustedlook
onhisface.
“What?”Iask,andpropmyheaduponmyelbowandlookathim.
“Thesearehideous,”hesays.
Ilaugh,butI’malsopleasedthattheearliersecretaboutwhetherornotthere
wereclothesinthedresserisnowsettledatleast.Landon’smotherorHardin’s
fathermusthavepurchasedalltheclothesintheroomforHardin.Whichissad,
really, that they would buy clothes and fill the dresser in hopes that Hardin
wouldcomearoundsometime.
“Theyaren’tsobad,”Itellhim,andherollshiseyes.Idoubtanythingwill
lookasgoodasHardin’susualblackboxerbriefs,butthenagainIcan’timagine
anythinglookingactuallybadonhim.
“Well,beggarscan’tbechoosers.Backinaminute,”hesaysandwalksoutof
theroomwearingonlyhiswetboxers.
OhGod,whatifLandonseeshim?Iwillbehumiliated.IneedtofindLandon
first thing in the morning to explain the turn of events. But, really, what am I
goingtosay?It’snotwhatitlookedlike.WewerejusttalkingandthenIagreed
tostaythenight,andsomehowIendedupinmypantiesandaT-shirt,andthen
gavehimtheclosestthingtoahandjobthatIknowof?Thatsoundsterrible.
Ilaymyheadontothepillowsandstareattheceiling.Iconsidergettingup
andcheckingmyphonebutdecideagainstit.ThelastthingIneedrightnowis
toreadtextsfromNoah.Heisprobablypanicking,but,honestly,aslongashe
doesn’t tell my mother, I don’t care as much as I should. If I’m completely
honestwithmyself,Ihaven’tfeltthesameaboutNoahsinceIkissedHardinfor
thefirsttime.
IknowIloveNoah;IhavealwayslovedNoah.ButI’mbeginningtoquestion
whether I really love him as a boyfriend and someone I could spend my life
with,orifIlovehimbecausehehasalwaysbeensuchastablepersoninmylife.
He’salwaysbeenthereforme—andonpaperwe’reperfectforeachother—but
Ican’tignorethewayIfeelwhenI’mwithHardin.I’veneverhadthesetypesof
feelingsbefore.Notjustwhenwe’reontopofeachother,butthewayhegives
mebutterfliesjustbylookingatme,thewayIfindmyselfdesperatelywanting
toseehimevenwhenI’mfumingmadathim,and,mostly,thewayhealways
invadesmythoughtsevenwhenItrytoconvincemyselfthatIhatehim.
HardinhasgottenundermyskinnomatterhowhardItrytodenyit.I’minhis
bedinstead ofwith Noah.On cue,the dooropens and I am snapped from my
thoughts.IlookupandseeHardininthecleanplaidboxersandgiggle.Theyare
alittletoobig,andmuchlongerthanhisbriefs,buttheystilllookgreat.
“I like them.” I smile and he glares at me before turning out the light and
switchingonthetelevision.Heclimbsbackontothebedandliesdowncloseto
me.
“So,whatwereyougoingtotellme?”heasks,andIcringe.Iwashopinghe
wouldn’tbringitupagain.
“Don’tbeshynow,you’vejustmademecomeinmyboxers,”hejokesand
thenpullsmeclosertohim.Iburymyheadinthepillow,andhelaughs.
IpullmyheadupandHardintucksmyhairbehindmyearbeforegivingmea
softkissonmylips.It’sthefirsttimehehaskissedmethattenderly,andyetit
feelsmoreintimatethanwhenwekisswithtongue.Helayshisheadbackonthe
pillowandchangesthechannel.IwanthimtoholdmeuntilIfallasleep,butI
getthefeelingHardinisnotacuddlingtypeofguy.
Iwanttobegood foryou,Tess. Hardin’s wordsfromearliertonight play in
myheadandIwonderifhemeantthemorifhewasjustreallydrunk.
“Areyoustilldrunk?”Iaskandlaymyheadonhischest.Hisbodystillsbut
hedoesn’tpushmeoff.
“No,Ithinkourlittlescreamingmatchintheyardsoberedmeup,”hesays.
One of his hands is holding the remote and the other is hanging in the air
awkwardlyasifhedoesn’tknowwhattodowithit.
“Oh,well,atleastsomethinggoodcameoutofit.”
He turns his head and looks down at me. “Yeah, I guess so,” he says, and
finallyputshishandonmyback.It’sanamazingfeelinghavinghimholdme.
Nomatterwhatterriblethinghesaystometomorrow,hecan’ttakethismoment
awayfromme.Thisismynewfavoriteplacetobe,myheadonhischestandhis
armonmyback.
“IthinkIactuallylikedrunkHardinbetter.”Iyawn.
“Isthatso?”hesaysandturnstolookatmeagain.
“Maybe,”Iteaseandclosemyeyes.
“You’reterribleatdistractions;now,tellme.”
Imightaswelljusttellhim.Iknowheisn’tgoingtodropit.
“Well,Iwasjustthinkingofallthegirlsyou’ve ...youknow,donethings
with.”Itrytohidemyfaceinhischest,buthedropstheremoteonthebedand
tiltsmychinuptolookathim.
“Whywereyouthinkingaboutthat?”
“Idon’tknow...becauseIhaveliterallynoexperienceandyouhavealot.
Steph included,” I answer. The image of the two of them together makes me
nauseous.
“Areyoujealous,Tess?”Hisvoiceisfullofhumor.
“No,ofcoursenot,”Ilie.
“Soyoudon’tmindifItellyouafewdetails,then?”
“No!Pleasedon’t!”Ibeg,andhechucklesandwrapshisarmalittletighter
aroundme.
He doesn’t say anything else about it, and I could not be more relieved. I
couldn’tbeartohearthedetailsofhisflings.Ifeelmyeyesgettingheavierand
trytofocusonthetelevision.Iamsocomfortablelyinghereinhisarms.
“You’renotgoingtosleep,areyou?It’sstillearly,”hesays,barelybreaking
throughmyhaze.
“Is it?” It feels like it has to be at least two in the morning. I arrived here
aroundnine.
“Yeah,it’sonlymidnight.”
“Thatisn’tearly.”Iyawnagain.
“Tomeitis.Plus,Iwanttoreturnthefavor.”
What?
Oh.
Myskinisstartingtotinglealready.
“Youwantmeto,don’tyou?”hepurrs,andIgulp.OfcourseIdo.Ilookupat
himandtrytohidemyeagersmile.Henoticesandwithaswift,delicatemotion
flipsusoversoheishoveringaboveme.Hesupportshisweightwithonearm
whilehisotherhandreacheslower.Ibringmyleguptohisside,andwhenmy
kneebendsherunshishandfrommyankletothetopofmythigh.
“Sosoft,”hesaysandrepeatsthemotion.Hegivesmythighalightsqueeze
andmyskiniscoveredingoosebumpswithinseconds.Hardinleansoverand
placesasinglekissonthesideofmyknee,causingmylegtojerk.Hegrabsit
andlaughs,hookinghisarmaroundit.
Whatishegoingtodo?Theanticipationisdrivingmecrazy.
“I want to taste you, Tessa,” he says, eyes locked on mine to gauge my
reaction.
Mymouthisinstantlyparched.Whyisheaskingtokissme,whenheknowshe
candothatanytime?Ipartmylipsandwaitforhim.
“No.Downhere,”hecorrectsme,bringinghishandinbetweenmylegs.My
lack of experience must astound him, but he at least tries to fight his smile. I
frownathimandhisfingertouchesmeovermypanties,causingmetosuckina
breath.Hisfingermakessoftstrokesovermysexashecontinuestolookinto
myeyes.
“You’realreadywetfor me.”Hisvoiceis raspier thanusual.His hot breath
stingsmyearandherunshistonguealongmyearlobe.
“Talktome,Tessa.Tellmehowbadlyyouwantit.”HesmirksandIsquirm
asheappliesmorepressuretomysensitivearea.
Ican’tfindmyvoicebecausemybodyisonfirefromhistouch.Afterafew
moresecondshepullshishandawayandIwhimper.
“Ididn’twantyoutostop,”Iwhine.
“Youdidn’tsayanything,”hesnaps,andIrecoil.Idon’twantthisHardin.I
wantthelaughing,playfulHardin.
“Couldn’tyoutell?”Iaskhimandmovetositup.
Hepullshimselfup and sitsonmy thighs, holding hisweighton his parted
knees.Hebrusheshisfingersacrossthetopsofmythighsandmybodyinstantly
reacts,shiftingmyhipstomeethis.
“Sayit,”Hardininstructs.IknowthatheiswellawarethatIdo;hejustwants
tomakemesayitaloud.Inodandhewaveshisfingerbackandforthinfrontof
me.
“Nonodding,justtellmewhatyouwant,baby,”hesays,andclimbsoffofmy
knees.Imentallyweightheprosandconsofthissituation.Isthehumiliationof
tellingHardinthatIwanthimto...kissmedownthereworththefeelingIwill
getfromhimdoingit?IfitfeelsanywherenearasgoodaswhatHardindidto
mewithhisfingerstheotherday,thenIknowit’sworthit.Ireachoutandgrab
his bare shoulder to stop him from moving any farther away from me. I’m
overthinkingthis,IknowIam,butmymindwon’tstopracing.
“Iwantyouto.”Imoveclosertohim.
“Wantmetowhat,Theresa?”Hehastobekiddingme;heknowsexactlywhat
he’sdoing.
“You know . . . to kiss me,” I say and his smile grows. He leans over and
plantsakissonmylips.Irollmyeyesandhekissesmylipsagain.
“Is that what you wanted?” he says with a smirk and I swat his arm. He is
goingtomakemebeghim.
“Kissme...there.”Iblushandcovermyfacewithmyhands.Hepullsthem
away, laughing, and I frown at him. “You’re embarrassing me on purpose.” I
scowl.Hishandsarestillonmine.
“I’mnotmeaningtoembarrassyou.Ijustwanttohearyousaywhatyouwant
fromme.”
“Nevermind,Hardin,”Isayandsighloudly.BecauseIamembarrassedand
maybemyhormonesaregoinghaywireandmessingwithmyemotionsbutnow
themomenthaspassedandI’mannoyedwithhisegoandconstantneedtogoad
me.Irolloverandlieonmyside,facingawayfromhim,andcovermyselfwith
theblanket.
“Hey,I’msorry,”hesays,butIignorehim.Iknowpartofmeisjustannoyed
at myself that being around Hardin has turned me into a typical hormonal
teenager.
“Goodnight,Hardin,”Isnapandhearhimsigh.Hemutterssomethingunder
hisbreaththatsoundslike“fine,”butIdon’taskhimtorepeatit.Iforcemyeyes
closedandtrytothinkofanythingbesidesHardin’stongueorthewayhisarm
justdrapedacrossmybodyasIfallasleep.
chapterthirty-five
Iamhot,toohot.Itrytopullthecoversoffme,buttheywon’tbudge.Whenmy
eyesopen,thenightbeforecomesfloodingintomymind:Hardinscreamingat
meintheyard,thescotchonhisbreath,thebrokenglassinthekitchen,Hardin
kissingme,HardinmoaningasItouchedhim,hiswetboxers.Itrytoliftmyself,
buthe’stooheavy,hisheadlyingacrossmychestandhisarmwrappedaround
mywaist,hisbodycloakingmine.I’msurprisedweendeduplikethis;hemust
have moved this way in his sleep. I do admit, I don’t want to leave this bed,
leaveHardin,butIhaveto.Ihavetogetbacktomyroom.Noahisthere.Noah.
Noah.
IgentlypushHardinoffbyhisshoulder,rollinghimontohisback.Thenhe
rollsontohisstomachandgroansbutdoesn’twake.
I hurry to my feet and grab my scattered clothes off the floor. Being the
cowardthatIam,Iwanttobeoutofherebythetimehewakes.Notthathe’ll
mind;atleasthewon’thavetoinvesthisenergyinhurtingmeonpurposeifI
leave on my own. This way is better for both of us. Regardless of how we
laughedtogetherlastnight,nothingisthesameinthelightofday.Hardinwill
rememberhowwegotalongprettywelllastnightandthenwillfeeltheneedto
beextrahatefultomakeupforit.It’swhathedoes,andIwillnotbearoundthis
time.Forasecondlastnight,thethoughthadcrossedmymindthatmaybeour
nighttogether would changehis mind,make him wantto havemore withme.
ButIknowbetter,really.
I fold his T-shirt neatly on the dresser and zip my skirt up. My shirt is
wrinkled from lying on the floor last night, but that’s really the least of my
worriesat the moment. I slip my feetinto myshoes and as I grabhold of the
doorhandle,Ithink,Onemorelookbackwon’thurt.
IlookbacktothesleepingHardin.Hismessyhairissprawledontothepillow,
and his arm is now draped over the side of the bed. He looks so peaceful, so
beautifuldespitethepiecesofmetalinhisface.
Iturnbackaroundandturnthedoorhandle.
“Tess?”
My heart drops. I slowly turn back around to Hardin, expecting to see his
harshgreeneyesglaringatme.Butinstead,theyareclosed;afrownissetonhis
face, but he is still asleep. I can’t decide if I’m relieved that he is asleep, or
somberthathecalledoutmyname.Isthatwhathedid,oramIhearingthings
now?
Ijumpoutoftheroomandgentlyclosethedoorbehindme.Ihavenoidea
howtogetoutofthishouse.IwalkstraightdownthehallandIamrelievedto
findthestairseasily.IpaddownthestairsandnearlycollidewithLandon.My
pulsequickensasItrytothinkofsomethingtosay.Hiseyesscanmyfaceand
hestayssilent,waitingforanexplanation,Iassume.
“Landon...I...”Ihavenoideawhattosay.
“Areyouokay?”heaskswithconcern.
“Yeah,I’mfine.Iknowyoumustthink—”
“Idon’tthinkanything.Ireallydoappreciateyoucoming.Iknowyoudon’t
likeHardin,anditmeansalottomethatyouwouldcomeheretohelpgethim
incontrol.”
Oh.Heissonice,toonice.Ialmostwanthimtotellmehowdisgustedheis
thatIstayedthenightwithHardin,thatIleftmyboyfriendaloneinmyroomall
night after I took his car and ran to Hardin’s rescue, just so I feel as bad as I
should.
“SoareyouandHardinfriendsagain?”heasks,andIshrug.
“I have no idea what we are. I have no idea what I’m doing. He just . . .
he . . .” I break into sobs. Landon wraps his arms around me in a warm and
comfortinghug.
“It’sokay.Iknowhecanbesoterrible,”Landonsayssoftly.Wait...hemust
think that I’m crying because Hardin did something terrible to me. He would
probablyneverassumethatI’mcryingbecauseofmyfeelingsforHardin.
IneedtogetoutofherebeforeIruinLandon’sgoodopinionofmeandbefore
Hardinwakesup.“Ihavetogo.Noahiswaiting,”Isay,andLandongivesmea
sympatheticsmilebeforesayinggoodbye.
IgetintoNoah’scaranddrivebacktomydormasfastasIcan,cryingmost
ofthewaythere.HowwillIexplainthisalltoNoah?IknowIhaveto—Ican’t
lietohim.Ijustcan’timaginehowmuchthiswillhurthim.
I’materriblepersonfordoingthistohim.Whycouldn’tIjuststayawayfrom
Hardin?
I’vecalmedmyselfasmuchasIcanbeforeIpullintothestudentlot.Iwalk
asslowasIcan,unsurehowI’mgoingtofaceNoah.
WhenIopenthedoortoourroom,IfindNoahlyingbackonmysmallbed,
staringattheceiling.Hejumpsupwhenheseesmecomein.
“Jesus,Tessa!Wherehaveyoubeenallnight?I’vebeencallingyounonstop!”
heshouts. This isthe first timeNoah has everactually raised hisvoice at me.
We’vebickeredbefore,butthisisalittlescarytosee.
“Iamso,sosorry,Noah.IwenttoLandon’shousebecauseHardinwasdrunk
andhewasbreakingthings,andthetimejustgotlost,Iguess,sobythetimewe
cleanedup,itwasreallylateandmyphonewasdead,”Ilie.
Ican’tbelieveI’mlyingstraighttohisface—allthetimeshehasbeenthere
forme,andhereIamlyingtohim.IknowIshouldtellhimbutIcan’timagine
hurtinghim.
“Why didn’t you use someone else’s phone?” he says forcefully, but then
pauses.“Nevermind—Hardinwasbreakingstuff?Areyouokay?Whydidyou
staythereifhewasbeingviolent?”
Ifeellikeheisaskingmeathousandquestionsatonce,disorientingme.
“Hewasn’tbeingviolent;hewasjustdrunk.Hewouldn’thurtme,”Isayand
covermymouth,desperatelywishingIcouldpushthoselastwordsbackin.
“Whatdoyoumeanhewouldn’thurtyou?Youdon’tevenknowhim,Tessa,”
hesnapsandtakesasteptowardme.
“I’m just saying that he wouldn’t hurt me like physically. I know him well
enoughtoknowthat.IwasjusttryingtohelpLandon,whowasthere,too,”Isay
back.
ButHardinwouldhurtme,emotionally—healreadyhas,andI’msurehewill
tryagain.AndhereIamdefendinghim.
“I thought you were going to stop hanging around those type of people?
Didn’tyoupromisemeandyourmomthatyouwould?Tessa,theyaren’tgood
foryou.You’vestarteddrinkingandstayingoutallnight,andyouleftmehere
allnight—Idon’tknowwhyyouevenhadmecomehereifyouwerejustgoing
toleave.”Hesitsdownonthebedandrestshisheadonhishands.
“They aren’t bad people; you don’t know them. When did you become so
judgmental?”Iaskhim.Ishouldbebeggingforhimtoforgivemeforhowbadly
I’vetreatedhim,butIcan’thelpbutbeirritatedbythewayhe’stalkingabout
myfriends.
MostlyHardin,mysubconsciousremindsme,andIwanttoslapher.
“I am not judgmental, but you would have never hung out with those Goth
peoplebefore.”
“What? They aren’t Gothic, Noah, they’re just themselves,” I say. I am as
surprisedbythedefianceinmywordsasNoahis.
“Well, I don’t like you hanging out with them—they’re changing you. You
aren’tthesameTessathatIfellinlovewith.”Irealizethenthathistonehasn’t
beenmaliciousatall.It’sjustsad.
“Well,Noah—”Ibegin,andthedoorfliesopen.MyeyesfollowNoah’stoan
angryHardinstormingintotheroom.
I look at Hardin,then at Noah, and back to Hardin. Thereis no way this is
goingtogowell.
chapterthirty-six
Whatareyoudoinghere?”IaskHardin,eventhoughIdonotwanttohearthe
answer,especiallynotinfrontofNoah.
“Whatdoyouthink?YousnuckoutonmewhileIwasasleep—whatthehell
wasthat?!”hebooms.Iholdmybreathashisvoiceechoesoffthewall.Noah’s
faceflasheswithangerandIknowthathe’sbeginningtoputthepuzzlepieces
together.
AndI’mtornbetweentryingtoexplaintoNoahwhatisgoingonandtryingto
explaintoHardinwhyIleft.
“Answerme!”Hardinyellsandstandsinfrontofmyface.I’msurprisedwhen
Noahstepsbetweenus.
“Don’tyellather,”hewarnsHardin.
I’mfrozeninplacewhileHardin’sfacetwistsinanger.Whyishesomadthat
Ileft?Hewasmockingmyinexperiencelastnight,andwouldhavekickedme
outthismorningprobablyanyway.Ineedtosaysomethingbeforethisallblows
upinmyface.
“Hardin...pleasedon’tdothisrightnow,”Ibeg.Ifheleavesnow,Icantry
toexplaintoNoahwhatisgoingon.
“Dowhat,Theresa?”HardinasksandwalksaroundNoah.IhopeNoahkeeps
hisdistance.Idon’tthinkHardinwillhesitatetotakehimdown.Noahispretty
bufffromsoccer,especiallycomparedtoHardin’sleanbody,butIhavenodoubt
thatHardincanholdhisown,andmostlikelywin.
What the hell is happening in my life that I have to worry about Noah and
Hardinfighting?
“Hardin, please just go and we will talk about this later,” I say, trying to
defusethings.
ButNoahjustshakeshishead.“Talkaboutwhat?Whatthehellisgoingon,
Tessa?”
OhGod.
“Tellhim;goonandtellhim,”Hardinsays.
Ican’tbelieveheisdoingthis.Iknowhowcruelhecanbe,butthistakesitto
awholeotherlevel.
“Tellmewhat,Tessa?”Noahasks, andIcanseehisstanceisanaggressive
one,becauseofHardin,butit’ssofteningashewondersaboutme.
“Nothing, just what you know, that I stayed at Hardin and Landon’s last
night,”Ilie.ItrytomatchmygrayeyestoHardin’sinhopesthathewillstop
thisnow,buthelooksawayimmediately.
“Tellhim,Tessa,orIwill,”Hardingrowls.
Iknowit’salllost.Iknowthere’snohidinganythinganymore,andIbeginto
cry.ButIwantNoahtohearitfromme,notthesmirkingassholewho’sbrought
us to this point. I’m humiliated—not for myself, but for Noah. He doesn’t
deserve any of this, and I’m ashamed of the way I’ve treated him and the
confessionsI’mgoingtobeforcedtomakeinfrontofHardin.“Noah...I...
meandHardinhavebeen...”Istart.
“OhmyGod,”Noahstutters,andhiseyesbegintowater.
HowcouldIdothistohim?WhatthehellwasIthinking?Noah issokind,
andHardin’scruelenoughtobreakNoah’sheartinfrontofhim.
Noah’s hands go to his forehead and he shakes his head. “How could you,
Tessa? After everything we have been through? When did this start?” Tears
streamdownhisfacefromhisbrightblueeyes.Ihaveneverfeltthisterrible—I
causedthosetears.IlookoveratHardinandmyhatredforhimconsumesmeso
that I shove him instead of answering Noah. Hardin is caught off guard and
stumblesbackward,buthesteadieshimselfbeforehefalls.
“Noah,Iamsosorry.Idon’tknowwhatIwasthinking.”Irushovertomy
boyfriend and try to hug him, but he refuses to let me touch him. And he’s
probablyrightto.IfI’mbeinghonest,I’venotbeengoodtoNoahforawhile.I
don’tknowwhatthehellIwasthinking.IsupposesomethingcrazylikeHardin
becoming decent and me breaking up with Noah so I could date him—how
stupid can I be? Or that I could just stay away from Hardin and Noah would
neverknowaboutwhathappenedbetweenus?TheproblemisthatIcan’tstay
awayfromHardin.Iamamothtohisflame,andheneverhesitatestoburnme.
Bothwerestupidandnaïveideas,butIhaven’tmadeonegoodchoicesinceI’ve
metHardin.
“I don’t know what you were thinking, either,” Noah says, with a look of
regretandhurtinhiseyes.“Idon’tevenknowyouanymore.”
Andwiththat,hewalksoutthedoor.Outofmylife.
“Noah,please!Wait!”Irushafterhim,butHardingrabsmyarmandtriesto
pullmeback.
“Don’t touch me! I can’tbelieve you! This is low, Hardin, even for you.” I
screamandjerkmyarmoutofhisgrasp.Ipushhimagain,hard.Ihavenever
pushedanyoneinmylifebeforetoday,andIhatehimsomuch.
“Ifyougoafterhim,I’mdone,”hesays,andmymouthfallsopen.
“Done? Done with what? Fucking with my emotions? I hate you!” But not
wanting him to feed off my rage, I slow down and speak more calmly. “You
can’tendsomethingthatneverbegan.”
Hishandsfalltohissidesandhismouthopensbutnowordscomeout.
“Noah!”Icalland rushoutthedoor.Irundownthe hallandoutacrossthe
greatlawn,finallycatchinguptohimintheparkinglot.Hestartswalkingfaster.
“Noah,pleaselisten.Iamsorry,sosorry.Iwasdrinking.Iknowthatisn’tan
excuse,butI...”Iwipemyeyesandhisfacesoftens.
“Ican’tlistentoyouanymore...”hesays.Hiseyesarered.Ireachforhis
hand,buthepullsaway.
“Noah,please,Iam so sorry. Please forgiveme.Please.”I can’tlosehim.I
justcan’t.
Reachinghiscar,herunsahandoverhisperfectlygelledhair,thenturnsto
faceme.“Ijustneedsometime,Tessa.Idon’tknowwhattothinkrightnow.”
I sigh in defeat, not knowing what to say to that. He just needs time to get
overthisandwecangobacktonormal.Hejustneedstime,Itellmyself.
“Iloveyou, Tessa,” Noahsays,then catches mebysurprise when hekisses
myforeheadbeforeclimbingintohiscaranddrivingaway.
chapterthirty-seven
Being the disgusting person that he is, Hardin is sitting on my bed when I
return. Visions of me grabbing the lamp and bashing him in the head flash
throughmymind,butIdon’thavetheenergytofightwithhim.
“I’m not going to apologize,” Hardin tells me as I walk past him toward
Steph’sbed.Iwillnotsitonmybedwhilehe’sonit.
“Iknowyouaren’t,”Isayandlieback.
Iwon’tlethimbaitmeintothisfight,andIdon’texpecthimtoapologize.I
knowhimbetterbynow.Well,recenthistorywouldsaythatIdon’tknowhimat
all.LastnightIthoughthewasjustanangryboywhosefatherlefthim,andthat
heheldontothathurt,usingtheonlyemotionhecouldtokeeppeopleout.This
morning, I see that he is just a terrible, hateful person. There is nothing good
aboutHardin.AtanymomentIbelievedtherewas,itwasonlybecausethatis
whathetrickedmeintobelieving.
“Heneededtoknow,”hesays.
Ibitedownonmyliptopreventthetearsfromreturning.IstayquietuntilI
hear Hardin get up and move toward me. “Just go, Hardin,” I say, but when I
lookupheisstandingoverme.Whenhesitsdownonthebed,Ijumpup.
“Heneededtoknow,”herepeats,and anger boils inside me. I know hejust
wantstogetariseoutofme.
Why,Hardin?Whydidheneedtoknow?Howcouldhurtinghimpossiblybe
agoodthing?Youweren’taffectedonebitbyhimnotknowing—youcouldhave
goneonwithyourdaywithouttellinghim.Youhadnorighttodothattohim,or
me.”IfeelthetearscomingagainbutthistimeIcan’tstopthem.
“IwouldwanttoknowifIwashim,”hesays,hisvoicesteadyandcold.
“You aren’t him, though, and you never will be. I was stupid to think you
couldpossiblybeanythingevenclosetohim.Andsincewhendoyoucareabout
whatisright?”
“Don’t you dare compare me to him,” he snaps. I hate the way he chooses
only one of my statements to respond to, and that he usually warps what I’m
sayingtobetterprovokehimself.Hestandsupandmovestowardme,butIback
awaytotheothersideofthebed.
“There is no comparison. Don’t you get that by now? You are a cruel and
disgustingjerkwhodoesn’tgiveashitaboutanyonebutyourself.Andhe—he
lovesme.Heis willing to try to forgive me for my mistakes.” I stare into his
eyes.“Myterriblemistakes,”Iadd.
HardintakesastepbackasifI’dpushedhim.“Forgiveyou?”
“Yeah,hewillforgivemeforthis.Iknowhewill.Becausehelovesme,so
yourpatheticplantogethimtobreakupwithmesoyoucansitbackandlaugh
didn’twork.Nowgetoutofmyroom.”
“Thatwasn’t...I—”hestartstosay,butIcuthimoff.I’vewastedenough
timeonhimalready.
“Getout!Iknowyou’reprobablyalreadyplottingyournextmoveagainstme,
butguesswhat,Hardin?Itisn’tgoingtoworkanymore.Nowgetthefuckoutof
myroom!”Iamsurprisedatmyharshwords,butIdon’tfeelbadforusingthem
againstHardin.
“Thatisn’twhatI’mdoing,Tess.Ithoughtafterlastnight...Idon’tknow,I
thoughtyouandI...”Heseemstobeatalossforwords,whichisafirst.Part
ofme,ahugepartofme,isdyingtoknowwhatheisgoingtosay,butthisis
howIgotsotangledinhiswebinthefirstplace.Heusesmycuriosityagainst
me,likeit’sallagametohim.Ifuriouslywipemyeyes,thankfulIdidn’twear
makeupyesterday.
“Youaren’treallyexpectingmetobuythat,areyou?Thatyoufeelsomething
aboutme?”
Ineedtostopandheneedstoleavebeforehisclawssinkdeeperintome.
“OfcourseIdo,Tessa.Youmakemefeelso—”
“No!Idon’twanttohearit,Hardin.Iknowyou’relying,andthisisyoursick
way of getting off.To makeme believe that you could possibly feelthe same
wayaboutmeasIdoaboutyou,andthenwillfliptheswitch.Iknowhowthis
goesbynow,andIwon’tkeepitgoing.”
“Feelthesamewayyoudo?Areyousayingthatyou...youhavefeelingsfor
me?”Hiseyesflashwithwhatappearstobehope.Heisamuchbetteractorthan
Ithought.
HeknowsIdo,hehastoknowthat.Whatotherreasoncouldtherebeforme
to keep this unhealthy cycle between us going? With a fear I’ve never felt
before, I realize that though I had barely admitted my feelings for Hardin to
myself,Inowhaveputthemoutthereinfrontofhim,givinghimeasyaccessto
smashthem.Worsethanhealreadyhas.
IfeelmywallsslowlybeingtorndownbythewayHardinislookingatme
andIcan’tletithappen.“Leave,Hardin.Iwon’taskagain.Ifyoudon’tleaveI
willcallcampussecurity.”
“Tess,pleaseanswerme,”hebegs.
“Don’tcallmeTess;thatnameisreservedforfamily,friends,forpeoplewho
actuallycareaboutme—nowleave!”Iyell,muchlouderthanIhadplanned.I
needhimtogetoutandgetawayfromme.IhatewhenhecallsmeTheresa,but
IhatewhenhecallsmeTessevenmore.Somethingaboutthewayhislipsmove
whenhesaysitmakesitsoundsointimate,solovely.Damnit,Tessa.Juststop.
“Please,Ineedtoknowifyou—”
“Whatalongweekend,boysandgirls—Iamexhausted!”Stephsays as she
bursts into the room, playful exhaustion coloring her words. But when she
noticesmytearstainedcheeks,shestopsandhereyesnarrowatHardin.
“Whatisgoingon?Whatdidyoudo?!”sheyellsathim.“WhereisNoah?”
sheasksandlooksatme.
“Heleft,justlikeHardinisaboutto,”Itellher.
“Tessa...”Hardinbegins.
“Steph, please make him leave,” I beg and she nods. Hardin’s mouth falls
open with annoyance at my use of Steph against him. He thought he had me
trappedagain.
“Let’sgo,BoyWonder,”shesaysandgrabshisarm,dragginghimtowardthe
door.
IstareatthewalluntilIhearthedoorshutbutimmediatelyheartheirvoices
inthehall.
“Whatthehell,Hardin?Itoldyoutostayawayfromher;sheismyroommate
and she’s not like the other girls you mess with. She’s nice, innocent, and,
honestly,toogoodforyou.”
Iampleasedandsurprisedbythewaysheisstickingupforme.Butitstill
doesn’t soothe the pain in my chest. My heart literally hurts. I thought I had
experienced heartbreak after my day with Hardin at the stream, but that was
nothing compared to how I feel right now. I hate to admit it to myself, but I
knowthatspendingthenightwithHardinlastnightmademyfeelingsforhimso
muchstrongerthantheyalreadywere.Hearinghimlaughwhilehetickledme,
the way he gently kissed my lips, his tattooed arms wrapping around me, the
wayhiseyesflutteredandclosedwhenItracedmyfingersoverhisbareskin—
allofitmademefalldeeperforhim.Thoseintimatemomentsbetweenusthat
mademecareforhimmorealsomakethishurtsomuchmore.Ontopofthat,I
havehurtNoahinawaythatIcanonlyprayheforgivesmefor.
“It’s not like that.” In his anger his accent has become thick and his words
clipped.
“Bullshit,Hardin,Iknowyou.Findsomeoneelsetomessaroundwith;there
areplentyofothergirls.Sheisn’tthetypeofgirlyouneedtobedoingthiswith;
shehasaboyfriendandshecan’thandlethisshit.”
Idon’tlikehearinghersaythatI’mtoosensitive,likeI’mweakorsomething,
butIguesssheisright.IhavedonenothingbutcrysinceImetHardin,andnow
hehastriedtoruinmyrelationshipwithNoah.Idon’thavewhatittakestobe
somethinglikefriendswithbenefits,regardlessofhowhemakesmefeel.Ihave
morerespectformyselfthanthatandI’mtooemotional.
“Fine.Iwillstayawayfromher.Butdon’tbringhertoanymorepartiesatmy
house,” he snaps, and I hear him stomping off. As he goes down the hall, his
voicerecedes,too,asheyells,“Imeanit,Idon’twanttoseeheragain!AndifI
do,Iwillruinher!”
chapterthirty-eight
Stephwalksinandrightawaywrapshertinyarmsaroundme.It’soddthather
frailarmscanfeelsocomforting.
“Thankyouformakinghimleave,”Isay,sobbing,andshehugsmetighter.
MytearsreallyareflowingnowandIdon’tseeanendinsight.
“Hardinmaybemyfriend,butsoareyou,andIdon’twanthimupsettingyou.
I’msorry,thisisallmyfault.IknewIshouldhavegivenmykeytoNate,andI
shouldn’thavelethimcomearoundyouallthetime.Hecanbearealdick.”
“No,it’snotyourfaultatall.Iamsorry,Idon’twanttocomeinbetweenyour
friendship.”
“Ohplease,”shesays.
Ipulloutofherembraceandseethelookofconcernonherface.Iappreciate
herbeingherewithmemorethanshewilleverknow.Ifeelcompletelyalone:
Noah’stakingtimetodecidewhethertobreakupwithmeornot,Hardinisan
asshole,mymotherwouldloseitifItalkedtoheraboutthis,andLandonwould
be disappointed in me if he knew the depth of my situation with Hardin. I
literallyhavenooneexceptthisflame-haired,tattooedgirlwhoIneverexpected
wouldbecomemyfriend.ButI’mreallygladshedid.
“Doyouwanttotalkaboutit?”
Ido,actually,Iwanttogetitalloffmychest.Itellhereverything,fromthe
firsttimeIkissedHardin,toourdayatthestream,totheorgasmIgavehimand
how he called my name in his sleep, to the way he destroyed every ounce of
respectIhadforhimwhenhemademetellNoah.Herfacegoesfromconcerned
toshockedtosadduringmystory.Myshirtissoakedwithtearsby the timeI
finishandsheisholdingmyhand.
“Wow,Ihadnoideathatsomuchhappened.Youcouldhavetoldmeafterthe
firsttime.IknewsomethingwasupwhenHardinshowedupherethenightwe
weregoingtothemovies.Ihadliterallyjustgotoffthephonewithhim,thenhe
shows up, so I’d suspected he came here to see you. Listen, Hardin is a good
guy,sometimes.Imean,deepdownhejustdoesn’tknowhowtoreallycarefor
someonethewaythatyou—well,mostgirls—needtobecaredfor.IfIwasyou,
I would try to make things work with Noah because Hardin isn’t capable of
beinganyone’sboyfriend,”shesaysandsqueezesmyhand.
Iknoweverythingsheissayingistrueandsheisright.Sowhydoesithurtso
bad?
ON MONDAY MORNING, Landon is leaning against the brick outside the
coffeehouse,waitingforme.IwavewhenIseehim,butthenInoticehehasa
blue-purpleringaroundhislefteye.AndwhenIlookcloser,Iseeanotherbruise
onhischeek.
“Whathappenedtoyoureye?!”Iexclaim,runninguptohim.
Realizationhitsmelikeatruck.“Landon!DidHardindothis?”Myvoiceis
shaky.
“Yeah...”headmitsandIamhorrified.
Why?Whathappened?”IwanttokillHardinforhurtingLandon.
“Hestormedoutofthehouseafteryouleftandthencamebackaboutanhour
later.Hewassopissed.Hestartedlookingaroundformorestufftobreak,soI
stoppedhim.Well,Ifoughtwithhim.Itwasn’tsobad,actually.Ithinkbothof
usgotalotofourangertowardeachotherout.Igotquiteafewgoodhitson
him,too,”heboasts.
Idon’tknowwhattosay.I’msurprisedatLandon’slighttonewhiletalking
aboutfightingwithHardin.
“Areyousureyou’reokay?IsthereanythingIcando?”Iaskhim.Ifeellike
thisismyfault.Hardinwasmadbecauseofme,butassaultingLandon?
“No,really,I’mokay.”Hesmiles.
WhilewewalktoclasshetellsmehowHardin’sfatherbrokeuptheirfight,
luckily arriving home before they killed each other, and how his mother cried
whensherealizedHardinhadbrokenallherdishes.Thoughtheydidn’thaveany
sentimentalvalue,shewashurtthatHardinwoulddothatnonetheless.
“But in other news, much better news, Dakota is coming to visit next
weekend.Sheiscomingtothebonfire!”Hesmiles.
“Bonfire?”
“Yeah, haven’t you seen the signs all over campus? It’s an annual thing, to
startthenewyear.Everyonegoes.Iamnotusuallyintostufflikethat,butit’s
actuallyaprettygoodtime.Noahshouldcomeupagain.Wecanmakeadouble
dateoutofit.”
Ismileandnod.MaybeinvitingNoahwouldshowhimIdohavesomegood
friends, like Landon. I know Hardin and Landon—I mean, Noah and Landon
wouldgetalonggreat,andIreallywanttomeetDakota.
Now that Landon has mentioned the bonfire, I notice signs littering almost
everywall.IguessIwasjusttoodistractedallweektonotice.
BeforeIknowit,I’minLiteratureandbeginscanningtheroomforHardin,
despitemysubconsciousshoutingatmenotto.WhenIdon’tseehimhisvoice
playsinmyhead:Iwillruinher.
What could he possibly do that’s worse than outing me in front of Noah? I
don’tknow,butIstartimaginingthingsuntilLandonbreaksmeoutofmyzone.
“Idon’tthinkhe’shere.IheardhimtalkingtothatZedguyaboutswitching
hisclassesaround.Darn,Idowishyoucouldseehisblackeye.”Landonsmiles
atmeandmyeyessnaptothefrontoftheroom.
IwanttodenythatIwaslookingforHardin,butIknowIcan’t.Hardinhasa
blackeye?Ihopeheisokay;no,Idon’t,actually.Ihopeithurtslikehell.
“Oh,okay,”Imumbleandpickatmyskirt.
Landondoesn’tmentionHardinfortherestoftheclass.
THERESTOFTHEWEEKisexactlythesameway:Idon’ttalkaboutHardin
toanyoneandnoonementionshimtome.Tristanhasbeenhangingoutinour
roomallweek,butIdon’tmind.IactuallyreallylikehimandhemakesSteph
laugh,andevenme,too,sometimes,despitewhatseemstobetheworstweekof
mylife.I’vejustbeenwearingwhateveriscleanandhandyandpullingmyhair
into a bun every day. My short-lived affair with eyeliner has ended and I am
backtomynormalroutine.
Sleep,class,study,eat,sleep,class,study,eat.
ByFriday,Steph’sclearlymakinganefforttogetthisspinsteroutandabout.
“Comeon,Tessa,it’sFriday.Justcomewithusandwe’lldropyoubackoff
beforewegotoHar...Imeantheparty,”shebegs,butIshakemyhead.Idon’t
feellikedoinganything.Ineedtostudyandcallmymother.I’vebeendodging
hercallsallweek,andIneedtocallNoahandfindoutifhe’smadeadecision.
I’vebeengivinghimhisspaceallweek,onlysendinghimafewfriendlytextsin
hopesthathewillcomearound.Ireallywanthimtocometothebonfirenext
Friday.
“IthinkIwillpass...I’mlookingatcarstomorrow,soIneedmyrest,”Ihalf
lie.IreallyamgoingtolookatcarstomorrowbutIknowIwon’tbegettingrest
sittingherealonewithmythoughtsaboutNoah’suncertainty,abouthowHardin
wasobviouslyseriousaboutstayingawayfromme—whichI’mreallygladhe’s
done.I just can’t shake him from my thoughts. I just need more time, I keep
tellingmyself.
ButthewayheactedlikehewantedsomethingfrommethelasttimeIsaw
him,thatgotundermyskin.
MythoughtsdriftofftoaplacewhereHardinwaspleasantandfunnyandwe
gotalong.Aplacewherewecoulddate,reallydate,andhewouldtakemeoutto
themoviesortodinner.HewouldputhisarmaroundmeandbeproudthatIwas
his;hewoulddrapehisjacketovermyshouldersifIwascoldandkissmegood
night,promisingmethathewouldseemetomorrow.
“Tessa?” Steph says and my thoughts disappear like a puff of smoke. They
weren’trealityandtheboyinmydaydreamwouldneverbeHardin.
“Ohcomeon,you’vebeenwearingthosefuzzycloudpantsallweek,”Tristan
teasesandIlaugh.Thesepantsaremyfavoritetoweartobed,especiallywhenI
am sick, or going through a breakup, or two. I’m still confused about how
HardinandIendedsomethingthatwasnothingtobeginwith.
“Okay.Okay,butyouneedtodropmeoffrightafterdinnerbecauseIhaveto
getupearly,”Iwarn.
Stephclapsandjumpsupanddown.“Yay!Justpleaseletmedoyouafavor?”
sheaskswithaninnocentsmilewhileshebatsherlashes.
“What?”Iwhine,knowingsheisuptonogood.
“Letmegiveyoualittlemakeover?Pleeeaassee!”Shedrawsoutthewordfor
dramaticpurposes.
“No. Way.” I can picture myself with pink hair and pounds of eyeliner,
wearingonlyabraforashirt.
“Nothingtoodramatic,Ijustwanttomakeyoulook...likeyouhaven’tbeen
hibernatinginpajamasallweek.”ShesmilesandTristantriestostiflehislaugh.
AndwhenIgiveinandsay,“Fine,”shebeginsclappingagain.
chapterthirty-nine
AfterStephhaspluckedmyeyebrows—aprocedurethathurtworsethanIever
imagined—sheturnsmearoundandrefusestoletmeseemyselfuntilshe’sdone
puttingonmymakeup.Ifightthenervousfeelinginmystomachasshedusts
powderontomyface.Iremindheroverandovernottoputtoomuchmakeupon
me, and she promises over and over that she won’t. She brushes my hair and
curlsitbeforecoatingmyhairandhalfoftheroomwithhairspray.
“Makeup and hair: done! Let’s get you changed, and then you can see
yourself. I have a few things that will fit you.” She is obviously proud of her
work.IjusthopethatIdon’tlooklikeaclown.Followinghertothecloset,Itry
tosneakapeekinhersmallmirrorbutsheyanksmeaway.
“Here,putthison,”shesays,pullingablackdressoffahanger.“Out,you!”
sheshoutsatTristan,andhelaughsbutgraciouslyleavestheroom.
Thedressisstraplessandlooksincrediblyshort.“Ican’twearthis!”
“Fine...howaboutthisone?”Shepullsanotherblackdressout.Shemust
haveat leastten. Thisone lookslonger thanthe lastand hastwo thickstraps.
Thenecklineworriesmebecauseit’sintheshapeof aheartandmybustisn’t
smalllikehers.
WhenItaketoolonglookingitover,shesighs.“Justtryit,please?”
Iobligeandtakemycomfortablepajamasoffandfoldthemintoaneatpile.
SherollshereyesatmeplayfullyandIsmilewhilesteppingintothedress.Ipull
itupmybodyanditfeelsalittlesnugbeforeit’sevenzipped.StephandIaren’t
thatmuchdifferentinsizebutsheistallerandI’mcurvier.Thematerialhasa
slightshinetoitandfeelssilky.Thebottomofthedressreacheshalfwaydown
mythigh.Itisn’tasshortasIthoughtitwouldbe,butitisshorterthananything
Iwouldeverwear.Ifeelalmostnakedwithmylegsthisexposed.Myfingerstug
atthematerialtotrytopullitdownalittle.
“Youwantsometights?”sheasks.
“Yeah,Ijustfeelso...naked.”Ilaugh.Shedigsintoherdrawerandpullsout
twodifferentpairsoftights.“Theseareplainblack,andthesehavealaceprint.”
Lacetightsarejusttoomuchforme,especiallygiventhefactthatIprobably
havetenpoundsofmakeupon.Igrabtheplainonesandslidethemonmylegs
whileStephdigsthroughherclosetforshoes.
“Ican’twear heels!” I remindher.I literallycan’t;I waddle like an injured
penguininthem.“Well,Ihavelowheelsorwedges.Tessa,I’msorrybutyour
Tomsjustwon’tworkwiththisdress.”
Iscowlatherjokingly.IamperfectlyfinewearingTomseveryday.Shepulls
outa pair ofblack heels with silver beadingon the front, and I have to admit
theycatchmyeye.Icouldneverwearthem,butforonceIwishIcould.
“Youlikethese?”
Inod.“Yeah,butIcan’tpullthemoff,”Itellherandshefrowns.
“Yes,youcan,theystraparoundyourankletopreventyoufromfalling.”
“Isthatwhatthestrapisactuallyfor?”Iask.
Shelaughs.“No,butithelpswiththat.”Shelaughsagain.“Justtrythem.”
Isitonthebedandstretchmylegsout,gesturingforhertoputthemonme.
ShehelpsmestandupandItakeafewsteps.Thestrapsreallydohelpwith
mybalance.
“I can’t wait any longer! Look at yourself,” she says and opens the other
closetdoor.Ilookinthefull-bodymirrorandgasp.
Whotheheckisthat?Myreflectionlooksjustlikeme,butalotbetter.Iwas
afraidshewouldgooverboardonmymakeup,butshedidn’t.Mygrayeyeslook
lighteragainstthechestnuteyeshadow,andthepinkblushonmycheeksmakes
my cheekbones more prominent. My hair looks shiny and is curled into big
waves,notthesmall,stringycurlsIwasexpecting.
“Iamimpressed.”Ismileandlookcloser.Ipokemycheektomakesurewhat
I’mseeingisreal.
“See,youarestillyou.Justamoresexy,well-keptyou.”Shegigglesandcalls
forTristantojoinus.
He opens the door and his lips part. “Where is Tessa?” he asks and looks
aroundtheroomplayfully.Hepicksupapillowandlooksunderit.
“Whatdoyouthink?”Iaskandtugthedressdownagain.
“You look great, really great.” He smiles and wraps his arm around Steph’s
waist.SheleansinandIlookaway.
“Oh,onemorething,”shesaysandreachesovertothedresser,pullingouta
tubeoflipglossandpuckeringherlips.Iclosemyeyesanddothesamewhile
sherubsthestickyglossacrossmylips.
“Ready?”Tristanasksandshenods.
Asweheadout,IgrabmypurseandthrowapairofTomsinside,justincase.
DURING THE DRIVE I sit in the back and stare out the window, letting my
mind wander. When we arrive at the restaurant, I cringe at the number of
motorcyclesoutside.I had assumedwe would begoing somewhere likeT.G.I.
Friday’sorApplebee’s,notabikerbarandgrill.WhenwewalkinsideIfeellike
everyoneisstaringatme,eventhoughtheyprobablyaren’t.
Stephgrabsaholdofmyhandandpullsmealongastheywalktoaboothin
theback.“Nateiscoming.That’sokay,right?”sheasksaswetakeourseats.
“Yeah,ofcourse,”Itellher.Aslongasit’snotHardin,Idon’tmind.Besides,
somecompanywouldbenice,becauserightnowIfeellikethethirdwheel.
A woman with even more tattoos than Steph and Tristan strides over to the
tableandtakesourdrinkorder.StephandTristanbothorderbeers.Thismustbe
why they like to come here, because they don’t card. The woman raises an
eyebrowwhenIorderaCoke,butIdon’twanttodrink.Ihavestudyingtodo
whenIgetbacktomyroom.MinuteslatershebringsourdrinksandI’mtaking
abigswigwhenIhearawolfwhistleasNateandZedwalktowardourtable.As
theygetcloser,Molly’spinkhaircomesintoview...followedbyHardin.
IspittheCokebackintomycup.
Steph’seyeswidenasshelayseyesonHardinandshelooksatme.“IswearI
didn’t know he was coming. We can leave now if you want,” she whispers as
Zedslidesintotheboothnexttome.Ihavetoforcemyselfnottolooktoward
Hardin.
“Whoa,Tessa,youlooksuperhot!”Zedproclaims,andIblush.“Really,like
wow!I’veneverseenyoulikethis.”
Ithankhimbywayofasmallsmile.Nate,Molly,andHardinsitinthebooth
behind us. I want to ask Steph to trade seats with me so my back will be to
Hardin, but I can’t bring myself to. I will just avoid eye contact with him the
entiretime.Icandoit.
“Youdolooksmokin’,Tessa,”Natesaysoverthedivider,andIsmilebecause
I’mnotusedtoallthisattention.Hardinhasn’tcommentedonmynewlook,but
Ididn’texpecthimto.I’mjustgladheisn’tinsultingme.
HardinandMollyaresittingrightinmylineofsight.IcanseeHardin’sentire
facethroughthespacebetweenStephandTristan’sshoulders.
IfIjustlookonce,itcouldn’thurt...StealingapeekbeforeIcanstopmyself,
Iinstantlyregretit.Hardin’sarmishookedaroundMolly’sshoulders.
Jealousy tears through me—my punishment for looking at him when I
shouldn’tbe.Ofcoursetheyareprobablymessingaroundagain.Orstill.They
probablyneverstopped.Irememberhowcomfortableshewasstraddlinghimat
theparty,andIswallowdownthebilerisinginmythroat.Hardinisfreetodo
whateverorwhoeverhepleases.
“Shedoeslookgreat,doesn’tshe?”Stephencouragesthemandtheyallnod.
I can feel Hardin’s eyes on me but I can’t look over at him again. He is
wearingawhiteT-shirtthatI’msureletshistattoosshowthrough,andhishairis
perfectly messed up, but I don’t care. I don’t care how good he looks or how
skankyMollyisdressed.
She’ssoirritating,withherstupidpinkhairandherskankyclothes.Sheisa
slut.I’msurprisedbymythoughtsandmyangertowardher,butit’strue.AndI
reallydon’tlikeher.Idon’tthinkI’veactuallyevercalledanyoneaslut,evenin
myhead.
Soofcourseshepicksrightnowtocomplimentme.“Youdolookgood,girl,
betterthaneverbefore!”shesaysandthenleansintoHardin’schest.
Imakeeyecontactwithherandfakeasmile.
“MindifIhaveasip?”Zedasks,butgrabsmycupbeforeIreallyanswer.
I let him drink out of my glass, which I’m usually against, but I am so
uncomfortablerightnowthatIcan’tthinkstraight.HegulpsdownhalfmyCoke
andInudgehim.
“Sorry, babe, I’ll order you another,” he says smoothly. He really is very
attractiveandlooksmorelikeamodelthanacollegestudent.Ifhedidn’thave
somanytattoos,heprobablywouldbeamodel.
Anoisecomesfromtheotherbooth,andmyeyesdarttoHardin.Heclearshis
throatloudly,staringatmewithblazingeyes.Iwanttolookaway,butIcan’t.
I’m caught in his gaze as Zed lifts his arm up and rests it on the back of the
booth,directlybehindme.
Hardin’seyesnarrowandIdecidetohavealittlefun.
RememberingthathewasprettyadamantaboutmenothangingoutwithZed
before, I lean into Zedever so slightly. Hardin’seyes go wide, but he quickly
recovers.I know howimmature andridiculous this whole thing is,but I don’t
care.IfIhavetobearoundhim,IwanthimtobeasuncomfortableasIam.
Thebikerwomanreturnsandtakeseveryone’sfoodorder.Igowithaburger
and fries, minus the ketchup, and everyone else orders hot wings. She brings
HardinaCokeandtherestofthemanotherroundofbeers.Iamstillwaitingon
myCokebutIdon’twanttoberudebypointingthatouttothewoman.
“Theyhavethebestwingshere,”ZedinformsmeandIsmileathim.
“Soareyougoingtothebonfirenextweekend?”Iaskhim.
“I don’t know, it’s not really my scene.” He takes a drink of his beer and
brings his arm down from the booth to rest fully over my shoulder. “Are you
going?”
Idon’tlookhisway,butIimagineHardin’sirritationatthis.Truthis,Idofeel
guiltyflirtingwithhimthisway,andI’veneverreallytriedtoflirtwithanyone
before,soI’msureIamterribleatit.“Yeah,withLandon.”
Everyoneburstsintolaughter.“LandonGibson?”Zedasks,stilllaughing.
“Yeah,he’smy friend,” Isnap. I don’tlikethewaythey arealllaughing at
him.
“Hewouldgotothebonfire!Heissuchalame,”Mollysays,andIglareat
her.
“No,he isn’t,actually. He is really cool,” I say inhis defense. I understand
thatmydefinitionofcoolisnotthesameastheirs,butmineisbetter.
LandonGibson and cool do not belong in the same sentence,” Molly says
andbrushesHardin’shairbackoffhisforehead.
Ihateher.
“Well,sorryifheisn’tcoolenoughtohangoutwithyouguys,butheis...”I
start to shout and sit up straighter in the booth, knocking Zed’s arm off my
shoulders.
“Whoa,Tessa,calmdown.Wearejustteasing,”NatesaysandMollysmirks
atme.Igetthefeelingshedoesn’tcareformemuch,either.
“Well,Idon’tlikewhenpeopleteasemyfriends,especiallywhenheisn’there
todefendhimself.”Ineedtocalmdown...Myemotionsarerunningwildfrom
beingaroundHardinandthewayhe’shangingalloverMollyinfrontofme.
“Okay,okay,I’msorry.Besides,Idogottagivehimsomecreditforthatblack
eye he gave Hardin,” Zed says and wraps his arm back around me. Everyone
excerptHardinlaughs,evenme.
“Yeah, good thing that professor broke the fight up, or Hardin would have
gottenbeatevenworsebytheloser—”Natesaysandthenlooksatme.“Sorry,it
slipped,”hesaysandgivesmeanapologeticsmile.
Aprofessor?Theirfightwasn’tbrokenupbyaprofessor—itwasbrokenup
byHardin’sdad.EitherLandon lied,or. . .wait,I wonder if these guys even
knowHardinandLandonaresoontobestepbrothers.IlookatHardin,whonow
looksworried.Heliedtothem.Ishouldcallhimoutonitrightnowinfrontof
everyone.
ButIcan’t.I’mnotlikehim.Ifindithardertohurtpeoplethanhedoes.
ExceptNoah,mysubconsciousremindsme,andIpushherback.
“Well,Ithinkthebonfirewillbefun,”Isay.
Zedlooksatmewithinterest.“MaybeIwillmakeanappearanceafterall.”
“I’mgoing,”Hardinaddsrandomlyfromtheotherbooth.
Everyoneturnstolook athim,andMollylaughs.“Yeah, sureyouare.”She
rollshereyesandlaughsagain.
“No, really, it won’t be so bad,” Hardin softly insists, earning another eye-
rollingfromMolly.
Hardin going because Zed said he was? Maybe I’m a better flirt than I
thought.
Theserverbringsoutourfoodandhandsmemyburger.Itlooksgreat,except
for the ketchup dripping offthe side. My nose scrunches up and I try to wipe
someofitoffwithanapkin.Ihatesendingfoodback,andI’malreadyhavinga
hardenoughtimetonight.ThelastthingIneedistodrawevenmoreattentionto
myself.
Talk of the party tonight circles the booths while everyone digs into their
wings and I pick at my fries. Eventually the server stops back and asks if we
needanythingelse.
“No,Ithinkwe’regood,”Tristanstartstosay,andshebeginstowalkaway.
“Wait. She ordered her burger with no ketchup,” Hardin says loudly, and I
dropafryontotheplate.
Thewaitresslooksatmewithconcern.“I’msorryaboutthat.Doyouwantme
totakeitback?”
I’msoembarrassed,allIcandoisshakemyhead.
“Yeah.Shedoes,”Hardinanswersforme.
Whatthehellishedoing?Andhowdidheevenknowithadketchup?Heis
justtryingtomakemeuncomfortable.
“Here,honey, give me yourplate.” Shesmiles and holdsher handout. “I’ll
bringyouanewone.”IhandittoherandlookdownwhileIthankher.
“What was that?” I hear Molly ask Hardin. She should really work on her
whisperingvoice.
“Nothing, she doesn’t like ketchup,” he simply says and she huffs before
takingadrinkofherbeer.
“So?”MollysaysandHardinglaresather.
“So,nothing.Justdropit.”
AtleastIknowIamnottheonlyoneheisrudeto.
My new food sans ketchup arrives, and I eat most of it despite my lack of
appetite.Zedendsuppayingformymeal,whichisbothniceandawkwardat
thesametime.Hardin’sannoyance seems togrowas Zed putshisarmaround
meyetagainonthewalkoutside.
“Logansaysthepartyisalreadypacked!”Natesays,readingatext.
“You should ride with me there,” Zed offers, then frowns when I shake my
head.
“Oh,Iamnotgoingtotheparty.Tristanisgoingtotakemeback.”
“IcantakeherbacktoherroomsinceIdrove,”Hardinsays.
Ialmosttripovermyfeetatthis,butfortunatelyStephgrabsholdofmeand
smilesatHardin.“No,TristanandIwilltakeher.Zedcanridewithus,too.”
Iflookscouldkill,Stephwouldbecollapsingonthefloorrightnow.
HardinturnstoTristan.“Youdon’twanttodrivedrunkoncampus;thepolice
aregoingtobelookingforpeopletogiveticketstobecauseit’sFriday.”
Stephlooksatme,waitingformetospeakup,butIdon’tknowwhattosay.I
don’t want to be in the car with Hardin alone, but I don’t want to drive with
Tristanwhenhehasbeendrinking.Ishrugand leanintoZedwhiletheysettle
thisamongthemselves.
“Great,let’sdropheroffandthengohavesomefun,”MollytellsHardin,but
heshakeshishead.
“No,youridewithTristanandSteph,”hesaysforcefullyandMollyshrinks.
“ForGod’ssakecanwejustgetinthecarsandgo!”Natewhinesandpullshis
keysout.
“Yeah,let’sgo,Tessa,”HardinsaysandIlookupatZedandthenatSteph.
“Tessa!”Hardinbarksagainasheunlockshiscardoor.Helooksbackatme
andIgetthefeelingthatifIdon’tfollowhewilldragmetothecar.Butwhy
wouldheevenwanttobearoundmeifhetoldStephthatIhadbetternotcome
around?Hedisappearsinsidethecarandstartstheengine.
“It’llbeokay,justtextmeassoonasyougetbacktotheroom,”Stephsays,
andInodandwalktoHardin’scar.Mycuriositygetsthebestofme,andIhave
toknowwhathisintentionsare.Ijusthaveto.
chapterforty
NomatterhowhardItriedtoavoidseeinghimallweek,Isomehowendupin
hiscarwithhim.Hedoesn’tlookatmeasIgetinorwhileIbucklemyseatbelt.
Itugatthedressagain,tryingtopullitovermythighs.Wesitinsilencefora
moment and then he pulls out of the parking lot. One saving grace is his not
allowingMollytoridewithus—Iwouldhaveratherwalkedhomethanwatch
herfawnalloverhim.
“What’swiththenewlook?”hefinallyasksoncewe’reonthefreeway.
“Um...well,Stephwantedtotrysomethingnewwithme,Iguess.”Ikeep
my eyes fixed on the buildings passing by outside the window. His usual
aggressivemusicisplayingquietlythroughthecar.
“It’salittleover-the-top,don’tyouthink?”heasksandIballmyfistsonmy
lap.Sothisishisplantoday,toinsultmethewholewaybacktomyroom.
“Youdidn’thaveto drive mehome, you know.” Ilean my headagainst the
window,tryingtocreateasmuchspacebetweenusaspossible.
“Don’t get so defensive; all I am saying is your little makeover is a little
extreme.”
“Well,goodthingIdon’tcarewhatyouthink,butconsideringyourdistaste
formyusualappearance,I’msurprisedyoudon’tthinkIlookbetterlikethis,”I
snapandclosemyeyes.Iamalreadyexhaustedfrombeingaroundhimandheis
suckingthelittlebitofenergythatremainedfromme.
Ihearhimchucklequietlyandheturnstheradiooffcompletely.“Ineversaid
therewasanythingwrongwithyourappearance.Yourclothes,yes,butI’dmuch
ratherseethehideouslongskirtsthantheseclothes.”
He’stryingtoexplainbuthisanswerdoesn’treallymakesense.Heseemsto
likewhenMollydressesthisway,onlymuchskankier,sowhynotme?
“Didyouhearme,Tessa?”heaskswhenIdon’trespond,andIfeelhishand
touchmythigh.Ijerkawayfromhistouchandopenmyeyes.
“Yes,Idid.Ijustdon’thaveanythingtosayaboutit.Ifyoudon’tliketheway
I’mdressed,thendon’tlookatme.”Onegoodthingthatcomesfromtalkingto
Hardin is that for once in my life I can say exactly what comes to my mind
withoutworryingabouthurtinghisfeelings,seeingashowhehasnone.
“Thatispreciselytheproblemhere,isn’tit?ThatIcan’tstoplookingatyou.”
The words leave his mouth and I consider opening the car door and hurling
myselfontothefreeway.
“Oh!Please!”Ilaugh.Iknowhewillsayjustenoughnice,yetcryptic,things
tomakeitmorepainfulwhenhetakesthembackandthrowsmoreinsultsatme
later.
“What? It’s true. I approve of the new clothes, but you don’t need all this
makeup.Regulargirlsweartonsofmakeuptolookasgoodasyoudowithout
it.”
What?Hemusthaveforgottenthatwearen’tspeaking,thathetriedtoruinmy
lifelessthanaweekago,andthatwedespiseeachother.
“Youdon’texpectmetothankyou,doyou?”Ihalf-laugh.Heissoconfusing;
heisbroodingandangryoneminuteandtellingmehecan’tstoplookingatme
thenext.
“Whydidn’tyoutellthemthetruthaboutLandonandme?”heasks,changing
thesubject.
“Becauseyouobviouslydidn’twantthemtoknow.”
“Still,whywouldyoukeepmysecrets?”
“Becausetheyarenotminetotell.”
Helooks over to me with hooded eyesand aslight smile. “I wouldn’thave
blamedyouifyoudid,consideringwhatIdidwithNoah.”
“Yeah,well,Iamnotyou.”
“No, no you’re not,” he says, his voice much quieter. And after that he
remainssilentfortherestofthedrive,asdoI.Ihavenothingtosaytohim.
Wefinally pull onto campusand he parks in the farthest possible spot from
myroom.Ofcourse.
IreachforthedoorhandleandHardin’shandtouchesmythighagain.“You’re
notgoingtothankme?”HesmilesandIshakemyhead.
“Thanks for the ride,” I say sarcastically. “Hurry back—Molly’s waiting,” I
addasIclimbout.Ihopehedidn’thearme;IamnotsurewhyIevensaidthat.
“Yeah...Ibetter.Shesureisfunwhenshe’sdrunk,”hesayswithasmirk.
Trying to hide the fact that I feellike he just punched mein the stomach, I
lean down to look at him through the passenger window and Hardin rolls it
down.“Yeah,Iamsuresheis.Noah’scomingsoon,anyway,”Ilieandwatchhis
eyesnarrow.
“Heis?”Hardinpicksathisfingernails,anervoushabit,Iassume.
“Yep,seeyouaround.”Ismileandwalkoff.
I hear him get out of his car and shut the door. “Wait!” he says and I turn
around. “I . . . never mind, I thought you, um, dropped something but you
didn’t.”Hischeeksflush. He’s clearly lying, andI want to know what he was
goingtosay,butIneedtowalkawaynow,soIdojustthat.
“Bye,Hardin.”ThewordsmeanmorethanIleton.Idon’tlookbacktoseeif
heiscomingaftermebecauseIknowheisn’t.
ITAKETHEHEELSOFFbeforeIevengettomyroomandwalkbarefootthe
restofthewaythroughcampus.ThesecondIgetintotheroomIputmyfuzzy
pajamasbackonandcallNoah.Heanswersonthesecondring.
“Hey,”Isqueak.Myvoicesoundstoohigh-pitched.It’sonlyNoah,whyamI
sonervous?
“Hey,Tessa,howwasyourdaytoday?”heaskssoftly.Hedoesn’tsoundlike
thesamedistantNoahthatI’vegottenallweek.Isighinrelief.
“Itwasokay,actually,Iamjusthangingoutinmyroomtonight.Whatareyou
doing?” I purposely leave out my dinner with Steph and everyone, including
Hardin.Thatwillnothelpmy“pleaseforgiveme”campaign.
“Ijustgotoutofpractice.I’mthinkingI’llstudytonightbecauseI’mhelping
thenewneighborscutatreedowntomorrow.”
Heisalwayshelpingeveryone.Heistoogoodforme.
“I’mjuststudyingtonight,too.”
“Iwishwecouldstudytogether,”hesays,andIsmilewhilepickingatthetiny
lintballsonmyfuzzysocks.
“Youdo?”
“Yeah,ofcourse,Tessa.IstillloveyouandImissyou.ButIhavetoknow
thatnothinglikethiswilleverhappenagain.I’mwillingtotrytoputthispastus,
butyouhavetopromisemeyouwillstayawayfromhim,”hesays.Hedoesn’t
havetosayhisname.
“OfcourseIwill,Iswear—Iloveyou!”PartofmeknowsthatIamdesperate
tohaveNoahforgivemeonlybecauseIdon’twanttobecompletelyaloneand
fawningoverHardin,butIignoreit.
Afterexchangingmore“Iloveyou’s”withNoah,heagreestoaccompanyme
to the bonfire next weekend and we get off the phone. I look online for the
closestcardealershipstocampus,andluckyformethereappearstobeagood
number of used-car lots ready to rip off college students. After noting the
addressesofafew,IdigthroughSteph’smakeupbagandfinallyfindthewipes
to remove all my makeup. It takes forever, and this obnoxious process alone
makesmeneverwanttowearitagain,regardlessofhowgooditlooked.
chapterforty-one
Itake outmy notesand textbooksand diveinto mystudies. Iam workingon
next week’s assignments. I like to stay ahead one week at least so there is no
chanceIfallbehind.ButmythoughtsdrifttoHardinandhismoodiness,soI’m
notreallypayingattentiontotheessayI’msupposedtobewriting.Ithasbeen
onlytwohourssinceIgotoffthephonewithNoah,butitseemslikefour.
IdecidetofindamovieandlieinbeduntilIfallasleep,settlingonTheVow
despitethefactthatIhaveseenitnumeroustimes.Lessthantenminutesintothe
movieIhearsomeone cursing outsideinthehall.I turn thevolumeupon my
laptopandignorethecursing;it’sFriday,whichmeansdrunkpeoplealloverthe
dormstonight.Afewminuteslater,Ihearthecursingagain—amalevoice,then
afemalevoicejoinsin.Theguyshoutslouder,andthenIrecognizetheaccent.
It’sHardin.
Ijump offmy bedand swingopen thedoor to find him sittingon thefloor
withhisbackagainstthewalloutsidemyroom.Anangrygirlwithbleach-blond
hairisstandingoverhim,scowlingwithherhandsonherhips.
“Hardin?”Isay,andhelooksup.
Ahugegrinsslidesoverhisface.“Theresa...”hesaysandbeginstostand.
“Can you please tell your boyfriend to get away from my door—he spilled
vodkaalloverthefloor!”thegirlyells.
IlookatHardin.“He’snotmy...”Istarttosay,butHardingrabsmyhand
andpullsmetowardmydoor.
“Sorryforthespill,”hesaysandrollshiseyesattheblonde.Shehuffsand
stormsintoherroom,slammingherdoor.
“Whatareyoudoinghere,Hardin?”Iaskhim.Hetriestowalkpastmeand
intomyroombutIblocktheentrance.
“Whycan’tIcomein,Tessa?Iwillbenicetoyourgrandpa.”HelaughsandI
rollmyeyes.IknowheismakingfunofNoah.
“Heisn’there.”
“Whynot?Okay,soletmeinthen,”hesays,slurringhiswords.
“No,areyoudrunk?”Myeyesscanhisface.Hiseyesarered,andhissmirk
givesitallaway.Hetakeshislipbetweenhisteethandputshishandsintohis
pockets.
“Ithoughtyoudidn’tdrink,butnowyouhavebeendrinkingalot.”
“It’sonlybeentwice.Chillout,”hesays,andpushespastmeandflopsdown
onmybed.“Sowhydidn’tNoahcome?”
“Idon’tknow,”Ilie.
He nods several times, like he’s considering this seriously. “Sure. The Gap
probably had a sale on cardigans, so he canceled on you.” He bursts out
laughing,andtheenergyintheroomissuchthatIcan’thelpbutjoinhim.
“SowhereisMolly?”Iask.“AtaSkanks‘R’Ussale?”
Hardinstopsforasecondandthenlaughsharder.“Thatwasaterribleattempt
atacomeback,Theresa,”hejokes,andIkickmyfootatwherehisshinsdangle
overthebed.
“Eitherway,youcan’tstayhere.NoahandIarebacktogether,officially.”
I notice his smile fade and he rubs his hands against his knees. “Nice
pajamas,”hesays,andIlookdown.
Whyishebeingsocavalier?Wehaven’tresolvedanything,andthelasttimeI
checkedwewerebothstayingawayfromeachother.
“Hardin,youhavetogo.”
“Letmeguess:oneofNoah’sconditionsforreconciliationwasthatyouhave
tostayawayfromme?”Histoneismoreseriousnow.
“Yeah,andthelasttimeIcheckedyouandIweren’tfriendsorevenspeaking.
WhydidyoudropLiteratureandwhydidyouhitLandon?”
“Whydoyoualwaysasksomanyquestions?”hewhines.“Idon’twanttotalk
aboutanyofthat!WhatwereyouandyourcoolpajamasdoingbeforeIcamein
—andwhy is yourlight off?”Hardin is muchmore playful whenhe hasbeen
drinkingbutIambeginningtowonderwhyhe’sbegundrinkingwhenhedidn’t
before.
“Iwaswatchingamovie,”Itellhim;maybeifIamnicetohimhewillanswer
someofmyquestions.
“Whatmovie?”
“TheVow,”Ianswerandlookathim.Iexpecthimtolaughatmeandaftera
fewsecondshedoes.
“Youwouldlikethatsappymovie.Thatissounrealistic.”
“It’sbasedonatruestory,”Icorrecthim.
“Itstillseemsstupid.”
“Haveyouevenseenit?”Iaskhim,andheshakeshishead.
“Idon’thavetoseeittoknowit’sstupid.Icantellyouhowitendsrightnow:
shegetshermemorybackandtheylivehappilyeverafter,”hesaysinahigh-
pitchedvoice.
“No,actuallythatisn’thowitends,”Ilaugh.Hardinmakesmeinsanemostof
the time, but it’s the rare occasions like this when he makes me forget how
terriblehecanbe.IforgetthatIamsupposedtohatehimandinsteadfindmyself
tossingoneofSteph’spillowsathim.Heletsithithim,eventhoughhecould
easily block it, and then yelps as if he is actually wounded, so we both laugh
again.
“Letmestayandwatchitwithyou,”hehalf-asks,half-demands.
“Idon’tthinkthatisagoodidea,”Itellhimandheshrugs.
“Theworstideasareoftenthebestideas.Besides,youwouldn’twantmeto
drivebackdrunk,wouldyou?”Hesmiles,andIcan’tresisteventhoughIknow
Ishould.
“Fine,butyouaresittingonthefloororSteph’sbed.”
HepoutsbutIholdmyground.Godknowswhatwillhappenifweareboth
onmysmallbed.Iflushatthepossibilitiesandthenscoldmyselfforthinking
thatwaywhenIjustpromisedNoahIwouldstayawayfromHardin.Itsounds
like such a simple promise to make, but somehow I always find my way to
Hardin.Or,liketonight,hefindshiswaytome.
Hardin slides down to the floor and I take a moment to admire how hot he
looks in a plain white T-shirt. The contrast of his black ink and white shirt is
perfectandIlovethewaytheivybranchesalongthebottomofhisneckpeak
outfromunderthecollarandtheblackinkcanbeseenunderthematerial.
Ipressplayandimmediatelyheasks,“Gotanypopcorn?”
“No,youshouldhavebroughtyourown,”Iteaseandturnthescreensohecan
seeitbetterfromthefloor.
“Icouldalwaysgoforanothertypeofsnack,”hesaysandIsmackhishead
lightheartedly.
“Watchthemovie,andnomoretalking,orI’llkickyouout.”
Hardinpretendstoziphislipsandhandmeakey,whichmakesmegiggleasI
pretendtotossitbehindme.AsHardinlayshisheadbackagainstthebed,Ifeel
morecalmandatpeacethanIhaveallweek.
Hardinwatchesmemorethanthemovie,butIdon’tcare.Inoticethewayhe
smileswhenIlaughatafunnyline,thewayhefrownswhenIsoboverPaige
losinghermemory,andthewayhetoosighswithreliefwhenPaigeandLeoend
uptogetheragainintheend.
“Sowhatdidyouthink?”IaskhimasIscrollthroughtofindanothermovie.
“Utterrubbish.”Buthesmiles,andIrufflemyhandthroughhishairbeforeI
realizewhatI’mdoing.Isitmyselfupandheturnstowardthewall.
Waytomakeitawkward,Tessa.
“Letmechoosethenextmovie,”hesaysandreachesformylaptop.
“Whosaidyoucouldstayforanother?”Iaskandherollshiseyes.
“Can’tdrive.Stilldrunk,”hesayswithamischievousgrin.
Iknowheislying.He’smostlysoberedup,buthe’sright.Heshouldstay.I
willdealwithwhateverHardindecidestodotometomorrow,justtobeableto
spendtimewithhim.Ireallyampathetic,justlikehesaid.Andatthemoment,I
don’tcare.
Iwanttoaskhimwhyhecamehereandwhyheisn’tathisownfratparty,but
IdecidetowaituntilthemovieisoverbecauseIknowhewillturnsouronceI
begintoquestionhim.HardinchoosessomeBatmanfilmthatIhaven’tseenand
swearsit is the best movieof alltime. I laughat hisenthusiasm as he tries to
explainthepreviousmoviesinthetrilogy,butIhavenoideawhatheistalking
about.NoahandIalwayswatchmoviestogether,butIhaveneverenjoyeditas
muchasIdowithHardin.Noahstaresatthescreeninsilence,whereasHardin
bantersalong,addinghilarioussarcasticentertainment.
“My ass is numb from your hard floor,” Hardin complains as soon as the
moviebegins.
“Steph’sbedisniceandsoft,”Isay,andhefrowns.
“Iwon’tbeabletoseethescreenfromoverthere.Comeon,Tessa,Iwillkeep
myhandstomyself.”
“Fine,”Igroanandscootover.
He smiles and lies next to me on his stomach mimicking me, bending his
kneesandputtinghisfeetintheair.Hardinlayshisheadonhisfoldedhands,
which takes away all his rough edges and leaves him looking adorable. The
movie is much better than I expected, and I must’ve been more into it than
Hardin,becausewhenthecreditsrollandIlookoverathim,he’sfastasleep.
Helookssoperfect,sopeacefulinhissleep.Ilovethewayhiseyelidsflutter
andthewayhischestmovesupanddownandthelovelysighthatleaveshisfull
lips.Iwanttoreachoverandtouchhisface,butIdon’t.DespitethefactthatI
shouldwakehimandmakehimleave,Icoverhimwithmyblanketandgolock
the door before lying down on Steph’s bed. I glance over at him again and
admirethewaythedimlightfromthetelevisionilluminateshisface.Helooks
youngerandmuchhappierinhissleep.
AsIdrifttosleep,IrealizethatI’vespentthenightwithHardinacoupleof
times now, and never with Noah. My subconscious helpfully reminds me that
I’vedonealotofthingswithHardinthatI’veneverdonewithNoah.
chapterforty-two
Thefaintsoundofbuzzingfloatsthroughmydreaminasteadypattern.Why
won’t it stop? I roll over, not wanting to wake up, but the obnoxious sound
insiststhatIdo.I’mdisoriented,andforgetwhereIam.AndthenwhenIrealize
I’minSteph’sbed,IstillalmostforgetHardinisinmyroom.
How do we always end up together? And more important, where is that
annoying noise coming from? In the dim light provided by streetlights just
outsidethewindow,IfollowthenoiseanditleadstoHardin’spocket.Ifeelasif
thenoiseiscallingtomeinmydreamystate.Idebatewhetherornottoreach
intohispocket,myeyesfocusedontheimprintofthephoneinthefrontpocket
ofhistightjeans.ItstopsasIreachmybedsoIstealanotheropportunitytotake
in how peaceful Hardin looks in his sleep. There is no soft crinkle in his
foreheadfromhisconstantfrowning,andthereisnopursetohispinklips.Isigh
andturnaroundonlytohavethebuzzingstartagain.I’mjustgoingtograbit,he
won’twakeup.IdipmyhanddownandstruggletoreachintoHardin’spocket.
If his pants weren’t so tight, I would be able to pull the phone from his
pocket...butIhavenosuchluck.
“Whatareyoudoing?”hegroans.
Ijoltafewfeetawayfrommybed.“Yourphoneisgoingoffanditwokeme
up,”Iwhisper,despitethefactthatwearetheonlypeopleintheroom.
Iwatchsilentlyashedigsintohispocket,hislargehandstrugglingtopullout
hisphone.“What?”Hesnapsintothemouthpiecewhenhedoesgetitout,only
toswipehishandoverhisforeheadatwhateverresponsehereceived.
“Iamnotcomingbacktheretonight.Iamatafriend’shouse.”
Arewefriends?Ofcoursenot,I’mjustaconvenientexcuseforwhyheisn’t
returningtotheparty.Istandawkwardlyandshiftmyweightfromonelegtothe
other.
“No,youcan’tgointomyroom.Youknowthis.I’mgoingbacktosleepnow,
sodon’twake me up again. And my door is locked, so don’twasteyour time
trying.”Hehangsup,andIinstinctivelybackaway.Hisbadmoodispalpable,
andIdon’twanttobeonthereceivingendofhisvenom.IcrawlontoSteph’s
bedandpulltheblankettome.
“Sorrythatmyphonewokeyou,”hesaysquietly.“ItwasMolly.”
“Oh.”Isighandliedownonmyside,facingmybedacrosstheroom.Hardin
givesmeasmallsmile,asifheknowswhatI’mthinkingaboutMolly.Ican’t
ignorethesmallbubbleofexcitementthatcomesfromhimbeinghereinsteadof
withMolly,eventhoughhisactionsmakenosensetome.
“Youdon’tlikeher,doyou?”Herollsfullyontohisside,hishairmessyand
everywhereonmypillow.
I shake my head. “Not really, but please don’t tell her. I don’t want any
drama,”I beg.I knowI can’ttrust him, but hopefully he will forgetto stirup
controversywiththisinformation.
“Iwon’t.Idon’tcareforher,either,”hemurmurs.
“Yeah, you really seem to dislike her,” I say just as sarcastically as I can
manage.
“I don’t. I mean, she is fun and all, but she is quite annoying,” he admits,
makingthatbubblegrowalittlemore.
“Well, maybe you should stop messing around with her,” I suggest and roll
ontomybacksohecan’tseemyface.
“IsthereareasonIshouldn’tmessaroundwithher?”
“No.Imean,ifyouthinksheisannoying,thenwhykeepdoingit?”IknowI
don’twanttheanswertothis,butcan’thelpit.
“Tokeepmeoccupied,Iguess.”
Iclosemyeyesandtakeadeepbreath.TalkingaboutHardinmessingaround
withMollyhurtsmeworsethanitshould.
Hissmoothvoiceinterruptsmyjealousthoughts.“Comeliewithme.”
“No.”
“Comeon,justliewithme.Isleepbetterwhenyou’renearme,”hesayslike
it’saconfession.
I sit up and look at him. “What?” I can’t hide my surprise at his words.
Whetherhemeansthemornot,theymakemyinsidesmelt.
“Isleepbetterwhenyou’rewithme.”Hebreakseyecontactandlooksdown.
“LastweekendIsleptbetterthanIhaveinawhile.”
“Itwasprobablythescotch,notme.”Itrytomakelightofhisconfession.I
don’tknowwhatelsetodoorsay.
“No,itwasyou.”
“Goodnight,Hardin.”Iturnover.IfhekeepssayingthesethingsandIkeep
listening,Iwillbeputtyinhishandsyetagain.
“Whydon’tyoubelieveme?”healmostwhispers.
“Becauseyoualwaysdothis:yousayafewnicethingsandthenyouflipthe
switchandIendupcrying.”
“Imakeyoucry?”
Howdoesn’theknowthat?HehasseenmecrymorethananyoneelseIknow.
“Yeah,often,”Isay,grippingSteph’sblankettight.
IhearhisbedsqueaklightlyandIclosemyeyes,outoffear,outofsomething
else,too.Hardin’sfingersgrazemyarmashesits ontheedgeofSteph’sbed,
andItellmyselfit’stoolate—well,early—forthisat4a.m.
“Idon’tmeantomakeyoucry.”
I open my eyes and look up at him. “Yes. Yes, you do. That’s your exact
intentioneverytimeyousayhurtfulthingstome.Andwhenyouforcedmeto
tellNoahaboutus.AndwhenyouhumiliatedmeinyourbedlastweekbecauseI
couldn’t say exactly what you wanted me to. Tonight you tell me you sleep
betterwhenIamaround,butifIwastoliewithyou,thesecondwewokeupyou
wouldjusttellmeIamugly,orthatyoucan’tstandme.Afterwewenttothe
stream,Ithoughtthat...nevermind.ThereareonlysomanytimesIcanhave
thistalkwithyou.”Itakeinacoupleofdeepbreaths,panickedatmyunloading
onhim.
“I’mlisteningthistime.”Hiseyesareunreadable,buttheymakemewantto
continue.
“Ijustdon’tknowwhyyoulovethiscat-and-mousegameyouplaywithme
so much. You’re nice, then mean. You tell Steph you’ll ‘ruin’ me if I come
aroundyou,thenyouwanttodrivemehome.Youarejustallovertheplace.”
“Ididn’tmeanthat.ThatIwouldruinyou,Ijust...Idon’tknow.Ijustsay
thingssometimes,”hesays,runninghishandsthroughhishair.
“WhydidyoudropLiterature?”Ifinallyask.
“Becauseyouwantmetostayawayfromyou,andIneedtostayawayfrom
you.”
“Sowhydon’tyou,then?”Iamslightlyawareoftheshiftinenergyaround
us.Somehowwehavemovedcloser,ourbodiesonlyinchesapart.
“Idon’tknow,”hehuffs.Herubshishandstogether,thenreststhemonhis
knees.
Iwanttosaysomething—anything—butIcan’twithouttellingHardinthatI
don’twanthimtostayaway,thatIthinkabouthimeverysecondofeveryday.
Finally, he breaks the silence. “Can I ask you something and you will be
completelyhonest?”
Inod.
“Didyou...didyoumissmethisweek?”
ThatwasthelastthingIexpectedhimtoaskme.Iblinkafewtimestoclear
myfranticmind.ItoldhimIwouldanswertruthfully,butI’mafraidto.
“Well?”
“Yeah,”Imumbleandhidemyfaceinmyhands,onlytohavehimpullthem
away,histouchonmywristssettingfiretomyskin.
“Yeah,what?”Hisvoiceisstrained,likeheisdesperateformyanswer.
“Imissedyou,”Igulp,expectingtheworst.
WhatIdidnotexpectishissighofrelief,andthesmilethatstretchesacross
his beautiful face. I want to ask him if he missed me, but he begins to speak
beforeIgetthechance.
“Really?”heasks,almostlikehedoesn’tbelieveme.
I nod in reply and he gives me a shy smile. Hardin shy? More likely he’s
pleased by my admittance because it tells him he has me wrapped around his
finger.
“NowcanIgobacktosleep?”Iwhine.Iknowheisn’tgoingtoreciprocate
myconfessionwithoneofhisown,anditisreallylate.
“Onlyifyousleepwithme.Asin,inthesamebed,ofcourse.”Hesmiles.
I sigh and mumble, “Oh, Hardin, can we just go to sleep?” as I roll over,
careful not to touch him. But a sudden yank on my legs makes me yelp in
surprise,andIquicklyfindHardinliftingmeoffthebedandthrowingmeover
hisshoulder.Heignoresmykickingandpleastoputmedownuntilhereaches
mybed,restsonekneeonit,andlaysmedowngentlyonthesideagainstthe
wallbeforelyingdownnexttome.Iglareathimsilently,afraidthatifIfight
himtoohardhe’llleave,whichIknowIdon’twant.
He reaches down and picks up the pillow that I tossed at him earlier and
placesitbetweenusasabarrierwithasmirkonhisface.“There,nowyoucan
sleep,safeandsecure.”
Ismilebackathim.Ican’thelpit.“Goodnight,”Ihalf-giggle.
“Night,Tessa.”HelaughsbackandIrolloveronmyside.
ButsuddenlyI’mnotanywhereneartired,soIjuststareatthewall,hoping
thiselectricitywilldissipateandIcansleep.Well,half-hoping.
A few minutes later I feel the pillow move and then Hardin’s arm wraps
aroundmywaistandhepullsmetohischest.Idon’tmoveitorcallattentionto
hisactions.Iamenjoyingthefeelingtoomuch.
“I missed you, too,” he whispers against my hair. I smile knowing that he
can’tseeme.Ifeelthelightpressureofhislipsagainstthebackofmyheadand
mystomachflips.AsmuchasIloveit,IamleftmoreconfusedthaneverasI
driftofftosleep.
chapterforty-three
MyalarmgoesofftooearlyandIrollover.Iliftmyhand,smackingatittostop
thehideousbeepingassaultingmyears.Myhandsmacksagainstasoft, warm
surface,andIblinkmyeyesopentofindHardinstaringdownatme.Ireachfor
mypillowtocovermyembarrassmentbutHardinyanksitaway.
“Goodmorningtoyou,too,”hesayswithasmile,rubbingathisarm.
Istareback,workinganapologyinmymind.Howlonghasbebeenwatching
me?
“You’recutewhenyou’reasleep,”heteasesandIsitupasquickasIcan,sure
Ilookfairlyhideous,likeusualinthemorning.
Hehandsmemyphone.“What’sthealarmfor?”
Iswitchitoffandclimboffthebed.“I’mgoingtolookforacartoday,soyou
canleavewhenever,”Itellhimandhefrowns.
“You’reobviouslynotamorningperson.”
Ipullmyhairbackintoatail,inanefforttokeepitfromlookinglikeabird’s
nest.“Iam...Ijustdon’twanttokeepyou.”Ifeelalittleguiltyforbeingrude,
butIhadexpectedhimtoberudehimself,tobehonest.
“You’renot.CanIcomewithyou?”
Isearcharoundmyroom,wonderingifIheardhimcorrectly.FinallyIturnto
himwithsuspicioninmyeyes.“Tolookatacar?Whywouldyouwanttodo
that?”
“Why do I have to have a reason? You act like I’m plotting to kill you or
something.”Helaughsandstandsup,rufflinghishair.
“Well,I’mjustalittletaken aback by yourcheerfulmoodthismorning...
and you wanting to go somewhere with me . . . and you not insulting me,” I
admit.
Iturnawayfromhimandgathermyclothesandbathroomkit.Ineedtotakea
showerbeforeIgoanywhere.
Unfazedbymyhonesty,Hardinpressessomemore.“It’llbefun,Ipromise.
Justletmeshowyouthatwecould...thatIcouldbenice.It’sjustoneday.”
Hissmileisbeautifulandconvincing.ButNoahwillsurelybreakupwithme
andneverspeaktomeagainifheknowsthatHardinstayedthenightwithme,in
mybed,holdingmeasweslept.Idon’tknowwhatitisthatkeepsmeconstantly
afraidoflosingNoah;maybeit’smyfearofmymothersreactionifwebroke
up,ormaybethatmyoldselfissotiedtoNoah.Hehasalwaysbeentherefor
me,andIfeellikeIoweittomyselfandhimtocontinueourrelationship.ButI
thinkthebiggestreasonisthatIknowHardincan’tandwon’tgivemethetype
ofrelationshipIneedandhonestlywantfromhim.
While I am lost in my thoughts it finally seems okay for me to admit that
listeningtoHardin’ssteadybreathinginmyearwhilehesleptwasworthnever
speakingtoNoahagain.
“EarthtoTessa!”HardincallsfromacrosstheroomandIsnapto.Ihavebeen
frozen standing here debating with myself and completely forgot Hardin was
eveninmyroom.
“Issomethingwrong?”heasksandstepstowardme.
Oh,nothing,justthatIamfinallyadmittingtomyselfthatIhavefeelingsfor
you and want more from you, yet know you will never care about anyone,
especiallyme.
“Justtryingtofigureoutwhattowear,”Ilie.
Hiseyesmovedowntotheclothesinmyhands,andhetiltshisheadbutonly
says,“So,canIcome?Itwillbeeasierforyou,anyway—soyoudon’thaveto
takethebus.”
Well,itmightbefun.Anditwouldbeeasier.“Yeah,okay,”Isay.“Justletme
getready.”Iwalktowardthedoorandhefollowsme.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Iaskhim.
“Comingwithyou.”
“Um,I’mgoingtotakeashower.”Idanglemytoiletrybaginfrontofhimand
hesnatchesitfromme.
“Whatacoincidence—me,too!”
Damncoedbathrooms.Hewalkspastmeandopensthedoorwithoutlooking
back.Irushtocatchupwithhimandgrabholdofhisshirt.
“Niceofyoutojoinme,”hejokesandIrollmyeyes.
“We haven’t even begun the day and you’re already annoying me,” I tease
back.
Agroupofgirlswalksbyusandintothebathrooms;theydon’teventrytobe
subtleaboutstaringatHardin.
“Ladies,” Hardin greets them, and they giggle like schoolgirls. Well,
technicallytheyareschoolgirls,buttheyarealsoadults,sotheyshouldactlike
it.
chapterforty-four
After a stop to use the toilet, I come out and don’t see or hear Hardin in the
showers,somymindofcoursestartsworryingthathewentoffsomewherewith
thosegirls.Hedidn’tevenbringanyclotheswithhim,soifhedoesshower,he
would just be putting on dirty clothes. Hardin could wear clothes matted with
mudandstilllookbetterthananyguyIhaveeverseen.ExceptNoah,Iremind
myself.
Afteraquickshower,Idryoffandpullmyclothesonandmakemywayback
to my room, where I’m relieved to find Hardin sitting on my bed. Take that,
schoolgirls,partofmeyells.Heisshirtlessandthewaterhasmadehisdarkhair
blackeryet.Iclosemymouthtomakesuremytongueisn’thangingout.
“Tookyoulongenough,”hesaysandleansback.Hismusclesconstrictashe
liftshisarmsbehindhisheadtobracehimagainstthewall.
“You’resupposedtobenicetome,remember,”IsayandwalkovertoSteph’s
closetandopenthedoortousethemirror.GrabbingSteph’smakeupbag,Isit
myselfdownandcrossmylegsinfrontofit.
“Thisismebeingnice.”
IstayquietasItrytoapplyalittlemakeup.Afterthreeattemptsofmakinga
straight line on my top eyelid, I chuck the eyeliner at the mirror and Hardin
laughs.
“Youdon’tneedthat,anyway,”hetellsme.
“Ilikeit,”Isay,andherollshiseyes.
“Fine, we can just sit here all day while you try to color on your face,” he
says.SomuchforniceHardin.
Hecatcheshimselfandgivesmeaquick,“Sorry,sorry,”whileIwipemyeyes
off.ButIgiveupthemakeuproutine.It’salittlehardtodowithsomeonelike
Hardinwatchingme.
“I’mready,”Itellhimandhejumpsup.“Areyougoingtoputashirton?”I
askhim.
“Yeah,Ihaveoneinmytrunk.”
I was right: he must have an endless supply in there. I don’t want to think
aboutthereasonsbehindthat.
TRUETOHISWORD,Hardinpullsa plainblackT-shirtoutofhistrunkand
finishesgettingdressedintheparkinglot.
“Stopstaringandgetinthecar,”heteasesme.Istutteradenialandoblige.
“Ilikeyouinthewhiteshirts,”Isaywhenwe’rebothinside,thewordsjust
poppingoutbeforeIcanprocessthem.
Cockinghisheadsideways,hegivesmeasmuggrin.“Isthatso?”Heraises
his eyebrow. “Well, I like you in those jeans. They show off your ass
wonderfully,”hesaysandmymouthdrops.Hardinandhisdirtywords.
Iswatathimplayfullyandhelaughs,butImentallypatmyselfontheback
forwearingthesepants.IwantHardintolookatmeeventhoughIwouldnever
admitit,andIamflatteredbyhisstrangewayofcomplimentingme.
“Sowhereto?”heasks,andIpulloutmyphone.Ireadhimthelistofused-
cardealerswithinafive-mileradiusandtellhimaboutafewofthereviewson
each.
“Youplanthingswaytoomuch.Wearen’tgoingtoanyofthoseplaces.”
“Yes,weare.Ialreadyhavethisplanned;thereisaPriusthatIwanttoseeat
Bob’sSuperCars,”Itellhimandcringeatthecheesyname.
“APrius?”hesaysindisgust.
“Yeah?Theyhavethebestgasmileageandtheyaresafeand—”
“Boring. I knew somehow you would want a Prius. You just scream, ‘Lady
withaplannerinherPrius!’ ”hesaysinafakewoman’svoiceandthencackles.
“TeasemeallyouwantbutIwillsavehundredsongaseveryyear,”Iremind
him, laughing, when he leans over and pokes my cheek. I look over at him,
shockedbyhisdoingsuchasmallbutadorablething;helooksassurprisedat
whathedidasIdo.
“You’recutesometimes,”hetellsme.
Ilookforwardagain.“Gee,thanks.”
“Imean that ina niceway, likesometimes you docute things,” hemutters.
ThewordsseemuncomfortableonhistongueandIknowheisn’tusedtosaying
thingslikethis.
“Okay...”Isayandlookoutthesidewindow.
EverysecondIspendwithHardinincreasesmyfeelingsforhim,andIknow
it’sdangerousformetoallowthesesmall,seeminglymeaninglessmomentsto
occur, but I don’t have control of myself when Hardin is involved. I become
merelyapasserbyinthisstorm.
HARDINENDSUPDRIVINGTOBOB’S,andIthankhim.Bobendsupbeing
a short, sweaty, and overgelled man who smells like nicotine and leather and
whosesmileispunctuatedwithagoldtooth.Whilehetalkstome,Hardinstands
nearby, making faces when he isn’t looking. The little man seems to be
intimidatedbyHardin’sharshappearance,butIdon’tblamehim.Itakeonelook
at the condition of the used Prius and decide against it. I have a feeling the
momentIdroveoffthelotitwouldhavebrokendown,andBobhasastrictno-
returnpolicy.
Wevisitafewmorelotsandtheyareallequallyastrashy.Afteramorningof
countlessbaldingmen,Idecidetosuspendmysearchforacar.Iwillhavetogo
fartherawayfromcampusforadecentcarandIjustdon’tfeellikeittoday.We
decidetogetsomelunchatadrive-through,andwhileweeatinthecarHardin
surprisinglytellsmeastoryaboutwhenZedgotarrestedforpukingalloverthe
floorofaWendy’slastyear.ThedayisgoingbetterthanIcouldhaveimagined,
and for once I feel like we could both make it through this semester without
killingeachother.
Onourwaybacktocampus,wepassacutelittlefrozenyogurtbarandIbeg
Hardintostop.Hegroansandactslikehedoesn’twantto,butIseethehintofa
smilehidingbehindhissourfeatures.Hardintellsmetofindaspotandhegoes
andgetsouryogurtforus,pilingoneverycandyandcookieimaginable.Itlooks
disgusting,butheconvincesmeit’stheonlywaytogetyourmoney’sworth.As
gross as it looks, it’s delicious. I can’t even finish half of mine, but Hardin
happilyclearshiscupandtheremainderofmine.
“Hardin?”aman’svoicesays.
Hardin’sheadsnapsupandhiseyesnarrow.WasthatanaccentIheard?The
strangerisholdingabagandadrinkcarrierfullofyogurtcups.
“Um...hey,”Hardinsays,andIknowinstinctivelythatthisishisfather.The
manistallandlean,likeHardin,andhasthesame-shapedeyes,onlyhisarea
deepbrowninsteadofgreen.Otherthanthat,theyarepolaropposites.Hisfather
is wearing gray dress pants and a sweater vest. His brown hair has some gray
scatteredon itssides and his demeanor is coldly professional.Until hesmiles,
thatis,andshowsawarmthsimilartoHardin’s,whenheisn’tputtingsomuch
effortintobeingajerk.
“Hi,I’mTessa,”Ipolitelysayandreachmyhandout.Hardinglaresatmebut
Iignorehim.It’snotlikehewasgoingtointroduceme.
“Hello,Tessa.IamKen,Hardin’sfather,”hesaysandshakesmyhand.
“Hardin,younevertoldmeyouhadagirlfriend—youtwoshouldcomeover
fordinnertonight.Karenwillmakeanicemealforeveryone.She’sanexcellent
cook.”
I want to keep Hardin’s anger in check and tell his father that I’m not his
girlfriend,butHardinspeaksfirst.
“Wecan’ttonight.Ihaveapartytogotoandshedoesn’twanttocome,”he
snaps.AgaspescapesmylipsatthewayHardinspeakstohisfather.Ken’sface
dropsandIfeelterribleforhim.
“Actually, I would love to. I’m also a friend of Landon; we have classes
together,”Iinterject,andKen’sfriendlysmilereappears.
“Youare?Well,thatisgreat.Landonisanicekid.Iwouldbehappytohave
youovertonight,”KensaysandIsmile.
IfeelHardin’seyesblazingatmeasIask,“Whattimeshouldwebethere?”
“ ‘We’?”his fatherasksandInod.“Okay...let’sdoseven.Ineedtogive
Karenabitofawarningorshewillhavemyhead,”hejokesandIsmile.Hardin
staresangrilyouttheglasswall.
“Soundsgreat!We’llseeyoutonight!”
Hesays goodbyeto Hardin,who rudelyignores him despite me kickinghis
foot under the table. A minute after his dad leaves the store, Hardin stands
abruptlyandslamshischairintothetable.Ittopplesoverandhekicksitpartway
acrosstheroombeforerushingoutthedoorandleavingmealonetodealwith
everyone’sstares.Notsurewhattodo,Ileavemyyogurtwhereitis,stammeran
apologyundermybreath,andclumsilyuprightthechairbeforerunningoutafter
him.
chapterforty-five
IcalloutHardin’sname,butheignoresme.Whenhegetshalfwaytothecar,he
spinsaroundsoquicklythatIalmostcrashintohim.
What the hell, Tessa! What the fuck was that?” he screams at me. People
walkingbystarttostare,buthecontinues.“Whatkindofgameareyoutryingto
playhere?”Hemovestowardme.Heisangry—beyondangry.
“There’snogamehere,Hardin—didn’tyouseehowmuchhewantedyouto
comeover?Hewastryingtoreachouttoyou,andyouweresodisrespectful!”
I’mreallynotsurewhy I’m yelling,butI’mnotgoing to justlethimshoutat
me.
Reach out to me? Are you fucking kidding me? Maybe he should have
reachedouttomebackwhenhewasabandoninghisfamily!”Theveinsinhis
neckstrainunderhisskin.
“Stop swearing at me! Maybe he is trying to make up for lost time! People
makemistakes,Hardin,andheobviouslycaresaboutyou.Hehasthatroomfor
youathishouse,fullofclothesjustincase—”
“Youdon’tknowshitabouthim,Tessa!”hescreamsandshudderswithanger.
“Helivesinafuckingmansionwithhisnewfamilywhilemymumworksher
ass off, fifty hours a week to pay her bills! So don’t try to lecture me—mind
yourowndamnbusiness!”
He gets in the car, slamming his door closed. I scramble in, afraid that he
mightleavemehere,he’ssomad.Somuchforourargument-freeday.
He’s fuming mad but thankfully silent as we pull onto the main road. If I
couldkeepitthisquiettherestoftheride,I’dbehappy.Butpartofmeinsists
thatHardinneedstounderstandthatIwillnotbeyelledat;thatisoneredeeming
qualityIgivemymothercreditfor.Sheshowedmeexactlyhownottobetreated
byaman.
“Fine,”Isay,feigningcalm.“Iwillmindmyownbusiness,butI’maccepting
theinvitationtodinnertonightwhetheryougoornot.”
Like a wild animal who’s been riled up, he turns in my direction. “Oh no
you’renot!”
Retainingmyfakecalm,Isay,“YouhavenosayinwhatIdo,Hardin,andin
caseyou didn’tnotice,I was invited.Maybe I shouldsee ifZedwants tojoin
me?”
“What did you just say!?” The dirt and dust start flying all over as Hardin
jerksthesteeringwheelandpullsontotheshoulderofthebusyroad.
IknowIpushedhimtoofar,butIreallyamjustasangryasheisbythispoint
andyell,“Whatthehelliswrongwithyou?Pullingofftheroadlikethis!”
“Whatthehelliswrongwithyouisthequestion!YoutellmydadIwillgoto
hishousefordinner,thenyouhavetheaudacitytomentionbringingZed?”
“Oh,yeah,sorry,yourcoolfriendsdon’tknowthatLandonisyourstepbrother
andyou’reafraidtheywillfindout?”Isayandlaughathowridiculousheis.
“Heisnotmystepbrother,forone.Andtwo,youknowthatisn’twhyIdon’t
wantZedthere.”Hisvoiceismuchlowernow,yetstillthickwithanger.
Butthroughthechaosinthecar,thatbubbleofhopegrowsagainatHardin’s
jealousy.Iknowhisfeelingsaremoreofacompetitionthingthanactualconcern
overmybeingwithhim,butitstillmakesmystomachflutter.
“Well, if you won’t go with me, I will have to invite him.” I would never
actuallydoit,butHardindoesn’tknowthat.
Hardin stares straight out onto the street for a few seconds and then sighs,
deflatingsomeofthetension.“Tessa,Ireallydon’twanttogo.Idon’twantto
sitaroundwithmydad’sperfectfamily.Iavoidthemforareason.”
Ilightenmytoneaswell.“Well,Idon’twanttoforceyoutogoifitwillhurt
you,butIwouldreallylikeifyoucouldcomewithme.Iamgoingeitherway.”
Wewentfromeatingyogurttoscreamingateachotherandnowwearecalm
again.Myheadisspinningatleastasmuchasmyheart.
“Hurtme?”Hesoundsincredulous.
“Yeah, if it will bother you that much to be there, I won’t try to make you
come,”Ianswer.IknowthatIcouldnevermakeHardindoanythinghedoesn’t
wanttodo;hehasnohistoryofeverbeingcooperative.
“Why would you care if it hurt me?” His eyes meet mine and I try to look
away,butonceagainIamunderhisspell.
“OfcourseIwouldcare;whywouldn’tI?”
“Whywouldyouisthequestion.”
Thelookinhiseyesisapleadingone,likehewantsmetosaythewords,butI
can’t. He will use them against me and then probably never want to hang out
withmeagain.Iwillbecometheannoyinggirlwholikeshim,thekindofgirls
Stephtoldmeabout.
“Icareabouthowyoufeel,”IsayandIhopethisanswercanbegoodenough
forhim.
Interruptingourmomentinthecar,myphonerings.Ipullitoutofmypurse
andseeit’sNoah.Withoutthinking,IhitignorebeforeIrealizewhatI’mdoing.
“Whoisit?”Hardinissonosy.
“Noah.”
“You’renotgoingtoanswer?”Helookssurprised.
“No,we’retalking.”AndIwouldrathertalktoyou,mysubconsciousadds.
“Oh”isallhesays,buthissmileisevident.
“Soareyougoingtocomewithme?It’sbeenawhilesinceI’vehadahome-
cookedmeal,soIamnotpassingitup.”Ismile;themoodinthecarislighter
buttenseallthesame.
“No.Ihaveplans,anyway,”hemutters.Idon’twanttoknowifthoseplans
involveMolly.
“Oh,okay.AreyougoingtobemadatmeifIgo?”It’ssortofstrangeforme
to just go to Hardin’s fathers house, but Landon is my friend, too, and I was
invited.
“I’malwaysmadatyou,Tess,”hesays,amusementinhiseyeswhenhelooks
overatme.
Ilaugh.“I’malwaysmadatyou,too,”Itellhimandhechuckles.
“Canwegobacknow?Ifacopcomesalong,we’llgetaticket.”
Henods,puttingthecarintodriveandpullingbackontotheroad.Thefight
withHardinblewovermorequicklythanIexpected.Isupposehe’smuchmore
usedto constantconflict than I am; I would muchrather spendtime withhim
withoutfighting.
IpromisedmyselfthatIwouldn’taskbutIhavetoknow...“So,whatare
your...um...planstoday?”
“Whyareyouasking?”IcanfeelhiseyesonmebutIstareoutthewindow.
“I’m just wondering, you said you had plans anyway so I was just
wondering.”
“Wehaveapartyagain.ThatisbasicallywhatIdoeveryFridayandSaturday,
exceptlastnightandlastSaturday...”
Itraceacircleonthewindowwithonefinger.“Doesn’titgetold?Justdoing
thesamethingeveryweekendwiththesamedrunkpeople?”Ihopethatdoesn’t
offendhim.
“Yeah...Iguessitdoes.Butwe’reincollege,andI’minafraternity;what
elseistheretodo?”
“Idon’tknow ... it just seemstedious,toclean up everyone’s mess,every
weekendespeciallywhenyoudon’tevendrink.”
“Itis,butIhaven’tfoundanythingbettertodowithmytimeso—”Hestops.I
knowheisstilllookingatme,butIkeepmyeyesawayfromhim.
Therestofthedriveisquiet.Notawkward,justquiet.
WALKINGALONEfromthelottomydorm,I’mflustered.Myemotionsarein
overdrive.IjustspentthenightandmostoftheafternoonwithHardinandwe
gotalong,mostly.Itwasactuallyfun,alotoffun.Whycan’tIhaveagreattime
likethatwithsomeonewhoactuallylikesme?LikeNoah.IknowIshouldcall
himback,butIwanttorevelinthewayIfeelrightnow.
When I get back to my room, I’m surprised to see Steph there; she usually
staysgoneallweekend.
“Where have you been, young lady?” she teases and shoves a handful of
cheesepopcornintohermouth.
Ilaughandtakemyshoesoffbeforeploppingontothebed.“Iwaslookingfor
acar.”
“Find one?” she asks, and I dive into telling her about the run-down lots I
visited,leavingoutHardin’sinvolvementintheafternoon.Afterafewminutes,
there’saknockatthedoorandStephgetsuptoanswer.
“Whatareyoudoinghere,Hardin?”shegrowls.
Hardin.Iglanceupnervouslyandhewalksovertomybed.Hehashishands
inhispocketsandherocksbackonhisheels.
“DidIforgetsomethinginyourcar?”Iask,andhearStephgasp.Iwillhave
toexplaintoherlater,thoughI’mnotsurehowweendeduphangingout,either.
“Ermm . . . no. Um, well, I thought maybe I could drive you to my dad’s
housetonight.Youknow,sinceyoudidn’tfindacar,”hespitsout,notseeming
tonoticeorcarethatStephisstandingintheroomwithherjawpracticallyon
thefloor.“Ifnot...that’sokay,too.IjustthoughtIwouldoffer.”
Isitupandhepullshislipringbetweenhisteeth.Ilovewhenhedoesthat.I
amsosurprisedbyhisoffer,Ialmostforgettoactuallyanswerhim.“Yeah...
thatwouldbegreat.Thankyou.”
Ismileandhesmilesback,warmandseeminglyrelieved.Hepullsonehand
outofhispocketandsweepsitthroughhishairbeforestuffingitbackin.
“Okay...I’llcomebyaboutsixthirty,soyoucangetthereontime.”
“Thankyou,Hardin.”
“Tessa,”hesayscalmlyandwalksoutthedoor,pullingitshutbehindhim.
“Whatthehellwasthat?!”Stephsqueals.
“Idon’tknow,actually,”Iadmit.AssoonasIthinkHardincouldnotgetmore
confusing,hedoessomethinglikethis.
“Icannotbelievethatjusthappened!Imean,Hardin...thewayhecamein
here,like hewas nervous or something! Ohmy God!And he offeredto drive
you to his dad’s . . . Wait, why are you going to his dad’s house? And you
thoughtyouleftsomethinginhiscar?HowdoImisssomuch!Ineeddetails!”
Shepracticallyshoutsandboundsontothefootofmybed.
SoIgothroughthewholething,explainingtoherhowheshowedupherelast
nightandwewatchedamovieandhefellasleep,howwewenttolookatcars
today—andhowIdidn’tmentionhimbeingtherebeforebecauseIfiguredthatif
Iinsistedshehelpmekeephimaway,itwouldfeeloddtoadmitI’dhungout
withhim.Idon’tsaymuchabouthisdadexceptthatIamgoingtherefordinner,
butsheseemsmoreinterestedinlastnightanyway.
“Ican’tbelievehestayedhere—thatisahugedeal.LikeHardindoesn’tjust
stay places, ever. And he never lets anyone stay with him. I heard he has
nightmaresorsomething,Idon’tknow.Butseriously—whathave youdoneto
him?IwishIwouldhaverecordedthewayhelookedwhenhejustcamehere!”
sheyellsandlaughs.“Istilldon’tthinkthisisagoodidea,butyoudoseemto
handlehimbetterthanmost.Justbecareful,”shewarnsagain.
WhathaveIdonetohim?Nothing,surely.Hejustisn’tusedtobeingnice,but
for some reason he’s being nice to me. Maybe it’s a way to beat me at some
game,orproveapointthathecanfakemanners?Iamnotsureandithurtsmy
headtotrytofigureitout.
Ibring up Tristan, andSteph takestheconversation fromthere. I tryto pay
attentiontoherstoriesfromlastnight’sparty:howMollyendedupshirtless(go
figure) and Logan beat Nate in a drunken arm-wrestling match (she swears it
wasoneofthosethingsthataremuchfunnierwhenyou’rethere).Mythoughts
driftbacktoHardin,ofcourse,andIchecktheclocktomakesureIhaveenough
time to get ready for tonight. It is four o’clock now, so I should start getting
readyatfive.
StephtalksuntilfivethirtyandisecstaticwhenIaskhertodomyhairand
makeup. I am not sure why I am putting such effort into looking okay for a
familydinnerthatIreallyshouldn’tbegoingto,butIdoanyway.Sheappliesthe
makeup lightly so you canbarely tell it’s there, but it looks great. Natural but
pretty. Then she curls my hair the way she did before. I decide to wear my
favoritemaroondress,despiteSteph’sattemptstohavemewearsomethingfrom
hercloset.Mymaroondressisniceandconservative,perfectforafamilydinner.
“Atleastwearthelacetightsunderneath,orletmecutthesleevesoffit,”she
sayswithagroan.
“Fine, give me the lace tights, I guess. This isn’t that bad, though—it’s
formfitting,”Irebut.
“Iknow,it’sjust...boring.”Shecrinkleshernose.Shelooksmorepleased
when I put on the tights and agree to high heels. I still have a pair of Toms
tuckedinmypursefromyesterday,justincase.
Assixthirtyapproaches,IrealizeIammorenervousabouttheridetodinner
thanthe actual dinner.I fidget withthe tightsand practice walkingaround the
room a few times before Hardin finally knocks on the door. Steph gives me a
strangesmileandIpullthedooropen.
“Wow,Tessa,you...um...looknice,”hemumblesandIsmile.Sincewhen
doeshesay“um”ineverysentence?
Stephescortsusoutthedoor,winks,andexclaimslikeaproudparent,“You
twohavefun!”
Hardinflipsheroff,andshereturnsthevulgargestureasheclosesthedoorin
herface.
chapterforty-six
ThedrivetoHardin’sfathershouseisnice.Thelowmusicinthebackground
ofhiscarfeelslikeadistraction,andInoticethewayhishandsaregrippingthe
steeringwheelalittletoohard.Heseemsonedgeduringthedrive,butIknowif
hewantstotalkaboutsomething,hewouldhavenoproblemcallingitout.
Iclimboutofthecarandwalkupthestepsfromthesidewalk.Withthesun
stillinthesky,Icanseesomeoldvinescreepingupthesidesofthehouseand
thesmallwhiteflowersthatjointhem.Unexpectedly,IhearHardin’sdooropen
and close, and then his boots on the sidewalk. I turn around to see him a few
stepsbehindme.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Iaskhim.
“Comingwithyou,obviously.”Herollshiseyesandtakesonelongstrideto
joinmeatthetopofthesteps.
“Really?Itseemedlikeyouweren’t—”
“Yeah.Nowlet’sgoinsideandhavetheworstnightofourlives.”
HisfacetwistsintothefakestsmileIhaveeverseen.Ielbowhimandringthe
doorbell.“Idon’tringdoorbells,”hetellsmeandturnstheknob.Isupposeit’s
okaybecauseit’shisfathershouse,butIstillfeelalittleuncomfortable.
Wewalkinsideandthroughthefoyerbeforehisfatherappears.Thesurprise
isevidentonhisface,buthesmileshischarmingsmileandgoestohughisson.
Hardin, however, dodges his gesture and walks right past him. The
embarrassmentflashesonMr.Scott’shandsomefeatures,butIlookawaybefore
herealizesthatIsawhissubtlegesture.
“Thankyousomuchforhavingus,Mr.Scott,”Isayaswepassthroughthe
doorway.
“Thankyousomuchforcoming,Tessa.Landonhastoldmesomeaboutyou.
Heseemsveryfondofyou.Andplease,callmeKen.”HesmilesandIfollow
himintothelivingroom.
LandonissittingonthecouchwithhisLiteraturebookonhislapasIenter.
Hisface lightsup and hecloses thebook asI walk over and sitdown nextto
him.I’mnotsurewhereHardinwentto,buthe’llappearsoonerorlater.
“SoyouandHardinaregivingyourfriendshipanothertry?”Landonaskswith
aslightfrown.IwanttoexplainwhatisgoingonbetweenHardinandme,butI
honestlyhavenoideamyself.
“It’scomplicated.”ItrytosmilebutIfeelitfalter.
“You’restillwith Noah, right?BecauseKen seems tothinkyou and Hardin
are dating.” He laughs. I hope my laugh doesn’t sound as fake as it feels. “I
didn’thavethehearttotellhimotherwise,butIamsureHardinwill,”hesays.
Ishiftuncomfortably,unsurewhattosay.“Yeah,I’mstillwithNoah,it’sjust
—”
“You must be Tessa!” A woman’s voice rings through the room. Landon’s
momwalkstowardmeandIstanduptoshakeherhand.Hereyesarebrightand
hersmileislovely.Sheiswearingaturquoisedress,similartomymaroondress,
withanapronprintedwithsmallstrawberriesandbananasoverthetopofit.
“It’ssonicetomeetyou;thankyouforhavingme.Yourhomeisbeautiful,”I
tellher.Hersmilecoversherfaceandshesqueezesmyhand.
“Youaresowelcome,dear,it’smypleasure,”shesays,beaming.Atimergoes
offfromthekitchenandshejumpsalittle.“Well,I’mgoingtofinishupinthe
kitchen,butI’llseeyouallinthediningroominafewminutes.”
“Whatareyouworkingon?”IaskLandonandhepullsoutafolder.
“Nextweek’sassignments.ThatessayonTolstoyisgoingtokillme.”
Ilaughandnod;thatessaytookmehourstowrite.“Yeah,itwasakiller.Ijust
finisheditafewdaysago.”
“Well,ifyoutwonerdsaredonecomparingnotes,Iwouldlovetoeatdinner
sometimeinthenextyear,”Hardinsays.Iglareathim,butLandonjustlaughs
andputshisbookdownbeforewalkingtothediningroom.Itseemstheirfight
wasgoodforthemafterall.
Ifollowthembothtothelargediningroom.There,alongtableisdecorated
beautifully with full place settings and multiple platters of food in the center.
Karenreallywentalloutforthis;HardinhadbetterbehaveorIwillkillhim.
“Tessa,youandHardinwillsitonthisside,”Kareninstructsusandgestures
totheleftofthetable.LandonsitsacrossfromHardin.KenandKarentaketheir
seatsontheothersideofLandon.
I thank her and sit down next to Hardin, who is quiet and seems
uncomfortable.IwatchasKarenmakesKen’splateforhimandhethanksher
withabriefkissonhercheek.Itissuchasweetgesture,Ihavetolookaway.I
fillmyplatewithroastbeef,potatoes,andsquash,thenpilearollontopofit.
Hardinchucklesquietlyatthemoundoffood.
“What?I’mhungry,”Iwhisper.
“Nothing.Hungrygirlsarethebest.”Helaughsagainandpileshisplateeven
higherthanmine.
“So,Tessa,howareyoulikingWashingtonCentralsofar?”Kenasks.
IchewmyfoodquicklysoIcananswer.“Ireallyenjoyit.It’sonlymyfirst
semester,though,soaskmeagaininafewmonths,”Ijokeandeveryonelaughs,
exceptHardin.
“Well,that’sgreat.Areyouinanyclubsoncampus?”Karenasksandwipes
hermouthwithhernapkin.
“Notyet,IplanonjoiningtheLiteraryClubnextsemester.”
“Really?Hardin usedto be a member,” Ken adds and Ilook atHardin. His
eyesarenarrowedandhelooksannoyed.
“SohowdoyoulikelivingnearWCU?”IasktodivertattentionfromHardin.
HiseyessoftenandIimaginethat’shiswayofthankingme.
“Weenjoyit.WhenKenfirstbecamechancellor,welivedinamuchsmaller
placeuntilwefoundthishouseandwefellinlovewithitimmediately.”
Myforkdropsagainsttheglassplate.“Chancellor?OfWCU?”Igasp.
“Yes.Hardinnevermentionedit?”Kenasks,lookingoverathisson.
“No...Ididn’t.”
KarenandLandonfollowKen’seyestoHardinandheshiftsnervously.
Forhispart,Hardinlooksbackathisfatherwithaglaringhatred.Helaunches
to his feet, shouting, “No! Okay, no, I didn’t tell her—I don’t know why it
fuckingmatters.Idon’tneedtouseyournameorposition!”Ashestormsaway
fromthetable,Karenlookslikeshemightcry,andKen’sfaceisred.
“Iamsosorry,Ididn’tknowhe...”Istart.
“No,don’tapologizeforhispoorbehavior,”Kentellsme.
Ihearthebackdoorslam.“Excuseme,”Isay,andstandupfromthetableto
gofindHardin.
chapterforty-seven
IrushoutthebackdoorandseeHardinpacingbackandforthonthedeck.I’m
notsurewhatIcandotohelpthesituation,butIknowIwouldratherbeouthere
with Hardin than face his family in the dining room after that outburst. I feel
responsible for this whole thing anyway, since I agreed to come here when
Hardin didn’t want to. If he started suddenly hanging out with my mother, I
knowIwouldfeelweirdaboutit.
Ha,likeshewouldeverletthathappen,mysubconsciouspointsout.
As if he heard my thoughts, Hardin shoots me an annoyed look. When I
approachhimheturnsawayfromme.
“Hardin...”
“No,Tessa,don’t,”hesayssharply.“Iknowyou’regoingtosaythatIneedto
go back in there and apologize to them. But there is no way in hell that is
happening,sodon’twasteyourbreath!Whydon’tyoujustgobackinthereand
enjoyyourdinnerandleavemethehellalone.”
Itakeastepcloser,butallIcanmanagetosayis“Idon’twanttogobackin
there.”
“Whynot?Youfitinperfectlywiththeirprudishandboringpersonalities.”
Ouch!WhyamIhereagain?Oh,yeah,that’sright:tobeHardin’spunching
bag.
“Youknowwhat?Fine!Iwillleave—Idon’tknowwhyIjustcan’tstoptrying
withyou!”Ishout,buthopetheycan’thearmeinside.
“Becauseyoujustcan’ttakeahint,Iguess.”Asthewordsleavehismouth,I
feelthelumpgrowinginmythroat.
“Thehintiswell-taken.”Istareatthestonepatioandtrytoswallowthesting
fromhiswords,butit’simpossible.WhenIlookupatHardin,hiscoldeyesmeet
mine.
“That’sit?That’syourdefense?”Helaughsandrakeshishandsthroughhis
hair.
“Youdon’tdeserveanymoreofmytime.Youdon’tdeserveformetoeven
speak to you, or those nice people in there to spend their time setting up this
dinnertohaveyouruinit!That’swhatyoudo:ruinthings,everything!AndIam
donebeingoneofthosethings.”MytearssoakmyfaceasHardinstepstoward
me.I back away, my feet trippingon something. Hardin reaches outto steady
me,butIgrabholdofapatiochairinstead.Idon’twantorneedhishelp.
Lookingup,Iseethathisexpressionisoneofexhaustion.Hisvoiceis,too,
whenhesayssoftly,“You’reright.”
“IknowIam.”Iturnawayfromhim.
FasterthanIcouldhaveimagined,hesnakeshisfingersaroundmywristand
pullsmetohischest.Ileanintohimwithouthesitation,wantingtotouchhimso
badly.ButIknowbetter:Icanhearthewarninginthethumpofmyheart,rapid
beneathmychest.IwonderifHardincanhearit,too,orfeelthepoundingofmy
pulseunderhisgrip.HiseyesarefullofangerandIknowminemirrorhis.
Ihavenowarningbeforehecrasheshislipsdownonmine,theforceofhis
mouthalmostpainful.HisactionissofullofdesperationandhungerthatIam
lost.LostinHardin.Lostinthesaltytasteofmytearsonbothourlips,lostinhis
fingers threaded through my hair. His hands move from my head to my waist
andhe lifts me onto the railing. My legs part for him and he moves between
them,neverlosingcontactwithmymouth.Weareallheatandgasps,tangledin
eachother.Myteethgrazeoverhisbottomlip,causinghimtogroanandpullme
evencloser.
Thebackdoorcreaksopen,breakingthespell.Turningtolook,Iamhorrified
as Landon’s soft eyes meet mine. His face is red, and his eyes wide. I push
Hardinawayfrommeandjumpdownfromtherail,adjustingmydressasmy
feethitthedeck.
“Landon,I...”Ibegin.
Heholdsuphishandtosilencemeandstepstowardus.Hardin’sbreathingis
soloudthatI swear itechoesbetweenthehouse and thetrees.Hischeeks are
flamed,hiseyeswild.
“Idon’tunderstand.Ithoughtyouguyshatedeachother,andhereyouare...
Youhaveaboyfriend,Tessa,Ididn’tthinkyouwerelikethat.”Landon’swords
areharshbuthistoneissoft.
“I’m not . . . I don’t know what this is.” I motion between me and Hardin.
Hardinstayssilent,forwhichIamglad.“Noahknows,well,aboutbefore.Iwas
goingtotellyou,Ijustdon’twantyoutothinkdifferentlyofme,”Isay,almost
apologetically.
“I don’t know what to think . . .” Landon says and walks back toward the
door.
Then,likesomethingoutofamovie,aclashofthunderrollsthroughtheair.
“It looks like it might storm,” Hardin says, his eyes scanning the darkening
sky.Despitehisflushedappearance,hisvoiceiscalm.
“A storm?Landon just caughtus .. . kissing,”I say,feelingthe fireslowly
burningoutbetweenus.
“He’llbeokay.”
I look up at him, expecting to see a smug expression, but it’s not there. He
putshishandonmybackandrubsgently.
“Doyou wantto goback insideor do you wantme to take you home?” he
asks.
It’s astounding how abruptly his mood can change from angry to lustful to
calm.
“Iwouldliketogobackinsideandfinishdinner.Whatdoyouwanttodo?”
“Isupposewecangobackin;thefoodisprettygood,”hesays,smiling,andI
giggle.“That’salovelysound,”hetellsmeandImeethisgaze.
“You’reinamuchbettermood,”Isayandhesmilesagain.
He rubs the back of his neck like he always does. “I don’t understand it,
either.”
So he is just as confused as I am? I wish my feelings for him weren’t so
strong;thenIcoulddealwithhimmuchbetter.Whenhesaysthingslikethisit
makesmecareforhimthatmuchmore.Ionlywishhecouldfeelthesame,butI
havebeenwarnedbyStephandHardinhimselfthatitwillneverhappen.
Thunder rolls again and Hardin takes my hand. “Let’s go inside before it
rains.”
Inodandheleadsmeinside.Hedoesn’tremovehishandfrommineaswe
walk back into the dining room. Landon’s eyes dart down to note this, but he
saysnothing.AsmuchasIdon’twantLandontoseeit,IlovethewayHardin’s
handfeelsovermine.Iloveittoomuchtopullaway.Landonfocusesbackon
hisplateasweretakeourseats.Lettinggoofmyhand,Hardinlooksupathis
fatherandKaren.
“Iamsorryforyellingatyouthatway,”hemutters.
Thesurpriseoneveryone’sfaceisevidentandHardinlooksdownatthetable.
“IhopeIdidn’truinthedinnerthatyouputsomucheffortinto,”hecontinues.
Ican’thelp myself. I reachunder thetable andput my hand over Hardin’s,
givingitalightsqueeze.
“It’s okay, Hardin, we understand. Let’s not let the night be ruined; we can
still enjoy the dinner.” Karen smiles and Hardin looks at her. He gives her a
small smile, which I know takes a lot of effort from him. Ken doesn’t say
anything,buthenodsinagreementwiththesentiment.
I slowly pull my hand away, but Hardin laces his fingers through mine and
lookssidewaysatme.IhopeIdon’twearthegiddyexpressionIfeelinside.For
whatseemslikethefirsttimeinmylife,Idon’toverthinkthings,likewhyIam
holdinghishandwhenI’mdatingNoah.
Dinnercontinueswell,butIfindmyselfalittleintimidatedbyKennowthatI
knowhe’sthechancellor.Thatisahugedeal.Hetellsusaboutwhenhemoved
from England, and how he loves America, and the state of Washington in
particular.Hardinisstillholdingmyhandaswebothstruggletoeatusingone
hand,butneitherofusseemstomind.
“Theweathercouldbebetter,butit’sbeautifulhere,”Kenmuses,andInodin
agreement.
“What are your plans after college?” Karen asks me as everyone finishes
eating.
“I’mgoingtomovetoSeattle,andhopefullyworkinpublishingwhileIwork
onmyfirstbook,”Isaywithconfidence.
“Publishing?Doyouhaveanyhousesinmind?”Kenasks.
“Notexactly.IwilltakeanyopportunityIcangettogetmyfootinthedoor.”
“That’sgreat.IhappentohavesomeprettygoodconnectionsatVance.Have
you heard of it?” he asks and I look at Hardin. He had mentioned knowing
someonetherebefore.
“Yes,I’veheardgreatthingsaboutit.”Ismile.
“I can make a call for you if you would like, to see about an internship. It
wouldbeagreatopportunityforyou.Youseemlikeaverybrightyoungwoman,
andI’dlovetohelpout.”
ItakemyhandoutofHardin’sandclaspitwithmyotherjustundermychin.
“Really?Thatwouldbesoniceofyou!Ireallyappreciateit!”
KentellsmethathewillcallwhoeveritisthatheknowsonMonday,andI
thank him repeatedly. He assures me it’s nothing and that he loves to help
anytimehecan.Iputmyhandbackunderthetable,butHardinhasmovedhis
hand away, and when Karen stands and begins to clear the table, he excuses
himselfandwalksoffupstairs.
chapterforty-eight
Karen smiled appreciatively when I offered to help with the cleanup, and
seemed a little surprised I would. I load the dishwasher while she washes the
largeservingplates.Irealizetheplatesalllookreallynew,andrememberhow
muchdamageHardincausedthatnight.Hecanbesocruel.
“If you don’t mind me asking, how long have you and Hardin been seeing
eachother?”Sheblushesatherownquestion,butIgiveherawarmsmile.
Figuringitbestjusttododgethedatingquestion,Isay,“Well,wehaveonly
knowneachotheraboutamonth;heisfriendswithmyroommate,Steph.”
“We have only met a few of Hardin’s friends. You are . . . well, you are
differentfromtheonesthatIhavecomeacross.”
“Yeah,we’reverydifferent.”
Lightningflashes andthe rainbegins topound againstthe windows.“Wow,
it’s really coming down out there,” she says and pushes the small window in
frontofthesinkclosed.
“Hardinisn’tasbadasheseems,”shetellsme,thoughreallyitfeelssortof
like she’s reminding herself. “He’s just hurt. I would love to believe that he
won’talwaysbethisway.ImustsayIwasverysurprisedthathecametonight,
andIcanonlybelievethat’syourinfluenceonhim.”
Takingmebysurprise,shewrapsherarmsaroundmeandpullsmeintoahug.
Unsure what to say, I hug her back. She pulls away but keeps her well-
manicuredhandsonmyshoulders.
“Really,thankyou,”shesays,thenblotshereyeswithatissuefromherapron
beforereturningtothedishes.
SheistookindformetotellherthatIdon’thaveanyinfluenceonHardin.He
came tonight only because he wanted to annoy me. After I finish loading the
dishwasher, I stare out the window watching the raindrops trickle down the
glass. It is remarkable that Hardin, who hates everyone except himself, and
maybe his mother, has all these people who care about him yet refuses to let
himselfcareforthem.Heisluckytohavethem,us.IknowIamoneofthose
people.IwoulddoanythingforHardin;eventhoughIwoulddenyit,Iknowit
tobetrue.Ihavenoone,exceptNoahandmymother,andbothofthemtogether
don’tcareaboutmethewayHardin’ssoon-to-bestepmotherdoeshim.
“I’mgoingtogocheckonKen.Makeyourselfathome,dear,”Karensaysto
me. I nod and decide to go find Hardin, or Landon, whichever one of them
appearsfirst.
Landonisnowheretobefounddownstairs,soImakemywayuptoHardin’s
room. If he’s not up here, I figure, I’ll just go sit downstairs alone. I turn the
handle,butthedoorislocked.
“Hardin?”Itrytospeakquietlysonoonehearsme.Itapmyknucklesagainst
the door but hear nothing. Just as I start to turn away, the door clicks and he
opensit.
“Can I come in?” I ask him and he nods once and pulls the door open just
enoughforme.ThereisabreezeintheroomandIcansmellthecoolscentof
therain coming throughthe bay window. Hewalks over andsits downon the
built-inbenchsurroundingthewindowandraiseshiskneesup.Hestaresoutthe
window but doesn’t say a word to me. I sit across from him and wait as the
constantdrummingoftheraincreatesacalmingrhythm.
“What happened?” I finally ask. When he looks at me with a confused
expression, I explain: “I mean downstairs. You were holding my hand and
then...whydidyoupullaway?”Iamembarrassedbythedesperationinmy
voice.Isoundtooneedy,butthewordshavealreadybeendelivered.
“Wasittheinternship—doyounotwantmetotakeitforsomereason?You
offeredtohelpmebefore?”
“That’sjustit,Tessa,”hesays,andlooksoutthewindowagain.“Iwanttobe
theonetohelpyou,nothim.”
“Why?It’snotacompetition,andyouweretheonewhoofferedfirst,sothank
you.” I want to ease his mind on this, even though I don’t understand why it
matters.
Heletsoutanexasperatedsighandhugshisknees.Silencehangsbetweenus
aswebothstareoutthewindow.Thewindhaspickedup,swayingthetreesback
andforth,andthelightningismorefrequentnow.
“Doyouwantmetoleavenow?IcancallStephandseeifTristancanpick
me up,” I whisper. I don’t want to leave but sitting in silence with Hardin is
drivingmeinsane.
Leave?HowdoyougetthatIwantyoutoleavefrommesayingIwantto
helpyou?”Heraiseshisvoice.
“I-Idon’tknow.Youaren’tspeakingtomeandthestormisgettingworse...”
Istutter.
“Youaremaddening,absolutelymaddening,Theresa.”
“How?”Isqueak.
“ItrytotellyouthatI...thatIwanttohelpyouandIholdyourhandbutthat
doesn’tdoanything...youstilldon’tgetit.Idon’tknowwhatelsetodo.”He
putshisfaceinhishands.Hecan’tpossiblymeanwhatIthinkhedoes?
“Getwhat?Idon’tgetwhat,Hardin?”
“That I want you. More than I have ever wanted anyone or anything in my
entirelife.”Helooksawayfromme.
Mystomachflipsoverandoverandmyheadstartstospin.Theairbetweenus
has once again shifted. Hardin’s unguarded admission hits me hard. Because I
wanthim,too.Morethananything.
“Iknowyoudon’t...youdon’tfeelthatway,butI...”hebeginsandthis
timeIamtheonetocuthimoff.
Imovehishandsoffhiskneesandpullthem,bringinghimtome.Hehovers
overme,uncertaintyclearinhisgreeneyes.Ihookmyfingerintothecollarof
his shirt and pull him down to me. Eye to eye. He rests his knee beside my
thighsonthebenchandIlookupathimagain.Hetakesafewbreaths,hiseyes
shiftingfrommylipsbacktomyeyes.Histongueswipesoverhislowerlipand
Iinchcloser.Iexpectedhimtokissmebynow.
“Kissme,”Ibeg.
Andhemoveshisheadcloser,leaningintome.Hesnakeshisarmaroundmy
back and guides me down so my back is lying flat on the cushioned bench. I
openmylegsforhim,forthesecondtimetoday,andhelayshisbodybetween
them.HisfaceisinchesawayfromminewhenIliftmyheaduptokisshim.I
can’twaitanylonger.Asourlipsbrush,hegentlypullsaway,nuzzleshishead
inmyneck,plantingasmallkissthere,thenslowlybringshislipsbackup.He
kissesthecornerofmymouth,thenmyjaw,sendingshiversofpleasurethrough
me.Hislipsbrushovermineoncemoreandherunshistongueovermybottom
lip before closing his lips around mine and opening them again. The kiss is
gentleandslow,ashelapshistonguearoundmine.Oneofhishandsrestsonmy
hip,fistedaroundthematerialofmydresswhereithasbunchedupatmythighs.
The other hand caresses my cheek as he kisses me; my arms wrap around his
back,hugginghimtightlytome.Everyfiberofmewantstobitehislip,topull
hisshirtoverhishead,butthesoftandgentlewayheiskissingmefeelseven
betterthantheusualburnoffire.
Hardin’slipsmoldtomine,andmyhandstraveluphisback.Hisnarrowhips
grinddownonmine,andawhimperescapesmylips.Heswallowsmygaspsas
hislipstracemine,movementformovement.
“Oh, Tessa, the things you do to me . . . the way you make me feel,” he
whispersintomymouth.HiswordsunravelmeandIreachforthehemofhis
shirt.Hishandtravelsdownfrommycheek,tomychest,anddownmystomach,
wheregoosebumpsareformingonmyskin.Hishandmovestothesmallspace
betweenourbodieswheremylegsareparted,andIgaspasherubsgentlyover
thelaceofmytights.HeappliesalittlemorepressureandIgroanandarchmy
backoffthebench.
No matter how angry or upset he makes me, one touch from him and I am
underhiscontrol.Buthiscalmandcontrolseemtobefaltering;heistryingto
holdontothem,butIcanseehisresolvecrumbling.Hebrusheshisnoseagainst
mycheekasIpullhisshirtupandoverhishead.Itstrainstogetoverhishair,
buthereachesonehandupandtugsitasheliftsoffme.Hetossestheshirtand
immediatelydipshishead back downandfindsmy lips oncemore.Igrab his
handandmoveitbackbetweenmythighs;asmallchucklevibratesthroughhim
andhelooksdownatme.
“Whatdoyouwanttodo,Tessa?”Hisvoiceishoarse.
“Anything,”Itellhimandmeanit.Iwilldoanythingwithhim,andIdon’t
careabouttheconsequencesthatmightcometomorrow. He said he wantsme,
andIamhistotake.IhavebeensinceIkissedhimthatfirsttime.
“Don’t say anything, because there are a lot of things I can do to you,” he
groansandpusheshisthumbagainstmytightsandpanties.Myimaginationruns
wildwithideas.
“Youdecide,”Imoanashemoveshisthumbinacircle.
“You’resowetformeIcanfeelyouthroughthetights.”Helickshislipsand
Imoanagain.“Let’sgetthesetightsoff,okay?”heasks,butbeforeIanswerhe
moves off me. His hands slide up my dress and grab the tights, pulling them
down,alongwithmypantiesatthesametime.ThecoolairhitsmeandIbuck
myhipsinvoluntarily.
“Fuck,” he mutters as his eyes rake my body and stop between my legs.
Unable to stop himself, he reaches down and slides his finger down my spot.
Thenhebringshisfingertohislipsandhesucksonitwithhoodedeyes.Oh.
Watchinghimsendsheatthroughmywholebody.
“RememberwhenIsaidIwantedtotasteyou?”heasks,andInod.“Well,I
wantto now.Okay?” His expressionis eager. Iam alittleembarrassed by the
idea,butifitfeelsasgoodashimrubbingmeatthestream,Iwanthimto.He
lickshislipsagainandboreshiseyesintomine.ThelasttimeIwasgoingtolet
himdothis,weendedupfightingbecausehewasbeingcruel.Ihopehedoesn’t
ruinitagain.
“Doyouwantmeto?”heasks,andIgroan.
“Please,Hardin,don’tmakemesayit,”Ibeg.
He brings his hand back down to me and runs his fingers along my hips in
widecircles.“Iwon’t,”hepromises.Iamrelieved.Inodmyheadandheletsout
abreath.
“Weshouldmovetothebedsoyouhavemoreroom,”hesuggestsandreaches
for my hand. I pull my dress down once I stand up and he smirks at me. He
walks to the side of the bay window and pulls a string, setting free thick blue
curtains,makingtheroommuchdarker.
“Takeitoff,”hedemandsquietlyandIdoasIamtold.Thedresspoolsatmy
feetandIamleftinjustmybra.Mybraisplainwhite,withasmallbowonthe
dipbetweenthecups.Hiseyesgowideandloiteronmychest,andhereaches
outandtakesthesmallbowbetweenhislongfingers.
“Cute.”HesmilesandIcringe.Ineedtoinvestinsomenewunderthingsif
Hardinisgoingtokeepseeingmeinthem.Itrytocovermynakedbodyfrom
him.IammorecomfortablewithHardinthanIhaveeverbeenwithanyone,but
Iamstillshystandingherecladinonlyabra.Iglancetowardthedoorandhe
padsovertomakesureit’slocked.
“Areyousmirkingatme?”Iscoldandheshakeshishead.
“Never.”Hechucklesandleadsmetothebed.“Liedownattheedgeofthe
bed,withyourfeetonthegroundsoIcankneelinfrontofyou,”heinstructs.
I lay back on the large bed and he slides me down by my thighs. My feet
danglebutdon’treachthefloor.
“I never realized how tall the bed is,” he says and laughs. “So maybe lie
towardthetop.”IscoottowardthetopofthebedandHardinfollowsbehind.He
hookshisarmsaroundmythighsandbendshiskneesslightlysoheiscrouched
infrontofme,betweenmylegs.Theanticipationofhowthiswillfeelisdriving
mewild.IwishIhadmoreexperiencesoIwouldknowwhattoexpect.
Hardin’scurlsticklemythighsashelowershishead.
“I’mgoing to make you feelso good,” hemutters againstmy stomach. My
pulseisthrummingthroughmyears,andItemporarilyforgetwe’reinthehouse
withotherpeople.
“Spreadyourlegs,baby,”hewhispersandIoblige.Hegivesmeadazedsmile
and brings his mouth down and kisses just under my belly button. His tongue
swirlsaroundmycreamyskinandmyeyesflutterclosed.Henipsatthesoftskin
covering my hip and I yelp in surprise. He sucks the skin between his lips. It
stings,butthereissomethingsosensualaboutitthatIdon’tmindthepain.
“Hardin,please,”Ibreathe.Ineedsomesortofrelieffromhisslow,teasing
torture.
Then,withoutwarninghistonguepressesflatagainstmycenter,makingme
cryoutinpleasure.Hemakessmallstrokeswithhistongue,andmyhandsgrip
thecomforteronthebed.Iwriggleunderneathhisskillfultongueandhewraps
hisarmstighter,holdingmeinplace.IfeelHardin’sfingerrubbingalongwith
histongue’scaressesandtheburnbeginstobuildinmystomach.Ifeelthecool
metal of his lip ring, which adds a different texture and temperature to the
sensation.
Withoutmypermission,Hardinslowlyslidesafingerinsideme,gentlyeasing
itin.Iclenchmyeyesclosed,waitingfortheuncomfortablestingtogoaway.
“Areyouokay?”Heliftshisheadupslightly,hisplumplipsglisteningfrom
me. I nod, unable to find the words, and he withdraws his finger slowly and
slidesitbackin.Itfeelsincredibleincombinationwithhistongue.Igroanand
move a hand to his soft hair, threading my fingers through and tugging. His
fingerkeepsenteringmeanddrawingoutslowly.Thunderboomsthroughoutthe
house,echoingoffthewallsandallaround,butIamtoodistractedtocare.
“Hardin,”Imoanashistonguefindsthatoverlysensitivespotandhegently
sucks. I never knew that anything could feel this way, this good. My body is
overtakenby sensation and pleasure, andI sneaka peak down at Hardin,who
looks incredibly sexy between my legs, the hard muscles under his skin
contractingashepumpshisfingerinandout.
“Should I make you come this way?” he asks. I whimper at the loss of his
tongueandnodfrantically.Hesmirksandtoucheshistonguetomeagain,this
timeinflickingmotionsagainstthatspotthatIhavecometolove,literally.
“Oh, Hardin,” I breathe and he groans against me, sending the vibrations
straight through my center. My legs stiffen, and I mutter his name repeatedly
whileIcomeundone.MyvisionblursandIscrewmyeyesshut.Hardinholds
me and flicks his tongue faster. I take one hand from his hair and cover my
mouthwithit,bitingdowntoensureIwon’tscream.Secondslater,myheadhits
thepillowandmychestisheavingupanddownasItrytocatchmybreath.My
bodyisstilltinglingfromtheeuphoricstateIwasjustin.
IambarelyawareofHardin’sbodymovinguponthebedandlyingnextto
me.Hepropshimselfonhiselbowandbringshisthumbuptocaressmycheek.
Heletsmecomebacktorealitybeforetryingtomakemespeak.
“Howwasthat?”heasks,hisvoiceholdingahintofuncertaintyasIrollmy
headtolookathim.
“Mmm-hmm.” I nod and he chuckles. It was incredible, beyond incredible.
NowIknowwhyeveryonedoesthistypeofstuff.
“Thatsedated,huh?”heteases.Thepadofhisthumbbrushesmylowerlip.I
bringmytongueouttowetmylips,andittouchesHardin’sthumb.
“Thankyou.” Ismile shyly. Idon’tknowwhy I feel shy after what we just
did,butIdo.Hardinhasseenmeinmymostvulnerablestate,astatethatnoone
elsehas,andthatterrifiesmeasmuchasitexcitesme.
“Ishouldhavewarnedyoubeforeusingmyfingers.Itriedtobegentle,”he
saysinapology.
Ishakemyhead.“It’sokay,itfeltgood.”Iblush.
He smiles and tucks my hair behind my ear. A small shiver runs down my
spine, and Hardin’s brows lower. “Are you cold?” he asks and I nod. He
surprisesmebypullingthesideofthecomforteroverandcoveringmyalmost
nakedbody.
Braverybringsmeto scoot closertohim.His eyes regardmecarefullyas I
curlmybodyandlaymyheadagainstthehardsurfaceofhisstomach.Hisskin
is colder than I expected, though the breeze is still floating through the room
from the storm. I pull the sheets up and cover his chest, hiding my head
underneath. He lifts them up, revealing my face, and I duck away from him,
laughinglightlyatourlittlegameofhide-and-seek.
IwishIcouldjustlayherewithhimforhours,feelinghisheartbeatagainst
mycheek.“Howmuchlongeruntilwehavetogobackdownstairs?”Iask.
He shrugs. “We should probably go down now before they think we are
fuckinguphere,”hejokesandwebothlaughalittle.I’mgettingmoreandmore
usedtohisfoulmouth,butit’sstillalittleshockingtohearhimsaythosewords
socasually.Thethingthatshocksmethemostisthewaymyskintingleswhen
hesaysthem.
Igroanandclimboutofbed.IfeelHardin’seyes onmeasIbenddownto
retrievemyclothes.Itosshimhisshirtandhepullsitoverhishead,thenruffles
hismessyhair.Istepintomypantiesandshimmythemonunderhisgaze.The
tightsarenextandIalmosttripoverthemasIstepintothem.
“Stop watching me; it’s making me nervous,” I tell him, and he smiles, his
dimplesasprominentasever.
His hands slide into his pocket and he looks up at the ceiling. I giggle and
finallygetthetightsup.
“CanyouzipmydressonceIgetiton?”Iaskhim.Hiseyesscanmybody
andIcanseehispupilsdilatefromthreefeetaway.IglancedownandIseewhy.
My breasts are spilling out of my bra and the lace tights hang just above my
hips;Isuddenlyfeellikeapinupgirl.
“Y-yeah. I. Will help,” he says, gulping. It is astounding that someone as
handsome—well, as sexy—as Hardin would be as affected by me as he is. I
knowI’mconsideredattractive,butIamnothinglikethegirlsheusuallymesses
with.Ihavenotattoos,nopiercings,andIdressconservatively.
Iputthedressonandturnawayfromhim,exposingmybacktohim,waiting
for him to zip it up. I lift my hair up and hold it above my head. His finger
grazes along my spine, skipping over my bra strap before he zips the dress. I
shiverandleanbackagainsthim.Ipurposelypushmybehindagainsthimand
hear him suck in a breath. His hands move down to my hips and he squeezes
gently.Ifeelhimhardeningagainstme,sendingelectricitythroughmeforwhat
feelslikethehundredthtimetoday.
“Hardin?”Karen’svoicecallsfromthehallasadelicatetappinghitsthedoor,
andIbecomeextremelythankfulwe’rebothdressed.
Hardinrollshiseyesandbringshislipstomyear.“Later,”hepromisesand
walkstothedoor.Heswitchesonthelightbeforeopeningit,revealingKaren.
“Iam so sorry for intruding,but Imade somedesserts as well, and thought
maybeyoutwowouldlikesome?”sheofferssweetly.Hardindoesn’tanswerher
buthelooksbackatme,waitingformyreply.
“Yes,thatwouldbelovely,”Isaywithasmileandshegrinsback.
“Great!Iwillseeyoudownstairs,”shetellsusandturnstowalkaway.
“I’vealreadyhadmydessert,”Hardinsaysmischievously,andIswathisarm.
chapterforty-nine
Karenhasmadelotsofsweetsforustoeat.IeatafewwhilesheandIdiscuss
her love for baking. Landon doesn’t join us in the dining room but it doesn’t
seemtocauseanysuspicion.Ilookovertowherehejustsitsonthecouchwith
his book on his lap and remind myself that I need to make sure I talk to him
soon.Idon’twanttolosehisfriendship.
“Ilovebakingaswell,Iamjustnogoodatit,”ItellKaren,andshelaughs.
“Iwouldlovetoteachyou,”shesays.HopeisevidentinherbrowneyesandI
nod.
“Thatwouldbegreat.”Idon’thavethehearttosayno.Ifeelforher;sheis
reallytryingtomakeanefforttogettoknowme.ShebelievesmetobeHardin’s
girlfriendandIcan’ttellherotherwise.Hardinhasmadenomovetotellheror
hisfather,either,whichgivesmeaswellofhope.Iwishthisnightwashowmy
life could always be, enjoying spending time with Hardin, his eyes constantly
meetingmine as I converse withhis father and future stepmother. He isbeing
nice,forthelasthouratleast,andhisthumbrubsovermyknucklesinagentle
gesturethatgivesmeaconstantstringofbutterflies.Theraincontinuestopour
outsideandthewindhowls.
After we finish the desserts, Hardin gets up from the table. I look at him
questionablyandheleansdowntowhisperinmyear.
“Be right back, just going to the loo,” he says, and I watch him disappear
downthehall.
“We both cannot thank you enough. It is so wonderful having Hardin here,
evenifit’sonlyonedinner,”KarensaysandKentakesherhandabovethetable.
“She’sright.Itiswonderful,ashisfather,toseemyonlysoninlove.Ihad
always worried he wouldn’t be capable . . . he was an . . . angry child,” Ken
muttersandlooksatme.HemustnoticehowIshiftuncomfortablyinmyseat,
becausehefollowsupwith“I’msorry,Idon’tmeantomakeyouuncomfortable,
wejustlovetoseehimhappy.”
Happy?Love?Ichokeonmybreathandbreakintoaheapofcoughs;thecool
waterin my glassslides down mythroat, calming it,and I lookback at them.
Theythink Hardin isin love withme? It wouldbe incredibly rudeto laugh at
them,butheobviouslydoesn’tknowhisson.
BeforeIcanrespond,HardinreturnsandIthanktheheavensthatIdidn’thave
to respond to their sweet, but false, assumptions. Hardin doesn’tsit down, but
ratherstandsbehindmewithhishandsonthebackofthechair.
“Wereallyshouldgetgoing.IhavetotakeTessabacktothedorms,”hesays.
“Oh,don’tbesilly.Youtwoshouldstaytonight.It’sstormingoutsideandwe
haveplentyofroom.Right,Ken?”
Hardin’sfathernods.“Ofcourse,you’rebothwelcometostay.”
Hardinlooks atme. Iwant tostay.To extendmy timewith Hardin in what
feels like a world away from the world, especially when he is in such a good
mood.
“I don’tmind,” I answer. But I don’t want to upset him by wanting to stay
hereanylonger.Hiseyesareunreadable,buthedoesn’tseemtobeangry.
“Great!Thenit’ssettled.I’llshowTessatoaroom...unlessyou’llbestaying
with Hardin in his?” she asks. There is no judgment behind her voice, only
kindness.
“No,I’dlikemyownroom,please.Ifthat’sokay?”
Hardinglaresatme.
Sohewantedmeinhisroomwithhim?Thethoughtexcitesme,butIdon’t
feel comfortable with them knowing Hardin and I are at that point yet. My
snarkysubconsciousremindsmethatwearen’tdatingatall,orevenclosetoit,
sobeingata“point”isn’tpossible.ThatIhaveaboyfriendwhoisnotHardin.I
ignore her as usual and follow Karen upstairs. I wonder why she’s sending us
straighttobed,butI’mnotcomfortableenoughtoask.
SheshowsmetoaroomdirectlyacrossfromHardin’s.Itisn’tquiteaslarge,
butit’sdecoratedjustasbeautifully.Thebedisalittlesmallerandsitsonawhite
frameagainstthewall.Therearepicturesofboatsandanchorsscatteredthrough
theroom.Ithankhermultipletimesandshehugsmeagainbeforeleavingmeto
myroom.
Iwalkaroundtheroomandfindmyselfatthewindow.Thebackyardismuch
biggerthanIhadthought;Ihadonlyseenthedeckandthetreesontheleftside.
On the right side there is a small building that looks like a greenhouse, but I
can’ttellthroughtheheavyrain.
AsIstareattherain,mythoughtsbegintorunwild.Todayhasbeenthebest
timeIhaveeverhadwithHardin,despitehismultipleoutbursts.Hehasheldmy
hand,whichheneverdoes;heputhishandonmybackaswewalked,andhedid
hisbesttocomfortmewhenIwasworriedaboutLandon.Thisisthefurthestwe
havegoneinour...friendship,orwhateverthisis.That’stheconfusingpart:I
knowwecan’tandnever willactuallydate,butmaybewhateverwearedoing
nowwillbegoodenough?Ihaveneverimaginedbeingsomeone’sfriendwith
benefits,butIknowIwon’tbeabletostayawayfromhim.Ihavetriedmany
timesnow,anditneverworks.
Alightknockonthedoorbringsmeoutofmythoughts.IexpecttoseeKaren
orHardin,butinsteadIfindLandonwhenIopenthedoor.Hishandsareinhis
pockets,andhishandsomefaceholdsasmall,awkwardsmile.
“Hey,”hesaysandIsmile.
“Hey,doyouwanttocomein?”Iaskhim,andhenods.
Iwalkoverandsitonthebed;hepullsthechairoutfromthesmalltablein
thecornerandtakesaseat.
“I—”webothsayatthesametimeandlaugh.
“Youfirst,”hesuggests.
“Okay, I am so sorry that you found out about Hardin and me that way. I
didn’tgoouttherewiththatintention.Iwasjustmakingsurehewasokay;this
whole dinner with his father was really getting to him and somehow we just
endedup...kissing.Iknowhowterribleitisofme,andIknowIamhorrible
forcheatingonNoah,butIamjustsoconfused,andItriedtostayawayfrom
Hardin.Ireallydid.”
“I’mnotjudgingyou,Tessa.Iwasjustsurprisedtoseeyoutwomakingouton
thedeck.IthoughtwhenIwalkedoutIwouldfindyouyellingateachother.”
Helaughsandcontinues.“Iknewsomethingwasupwithyoutwowhenyouhad
thatfightinthemiddleofLiteratureandthenwhenyoustayedlastweekend,and
thenwhenhecamebackandstartedafightwithme.Thesignswereallthere,
butIthoughtyouwouldtellme,thoughIdounderstandwhyyoudidn’t.”
Ifeelahugeweightliftoffmyshoulders.“You’renotmadatme?Orthink
anydifferentofme?”Iaskhimandheshakeshishead.
“No,ofcoursenot.IamworriedaboutyouandHardin,though.Idon’twant
him to hurt you, and I believe he will. I am sorry for saying that, but as your
friendIneedyoutoknowthathewill.”
Iwanttogetdefensiveandevenangry,butpartofmeknowsheisright.Ijust
hopesomehowheisn’t.
“SowhatareyougoingtodoaboutNoah?”
Igroan.“Ihavenoidea.IamafraidthatifIbreakupwithhimIwillregretit,
butwhatIamdoingtohimisn’tfair.Ijustneedalittletimetodecidewhatto
do.”
Henods.
“Landon,I’msorelievedthatyouaren’tmadatme.Iwasbeingajerkearlier.
Ijustdidn’tknowwhattosay.Iamsorry.”
“Me, too, I completely understand.” We both stand up and he hugs me. A
warmandcomfortinghugasthedooropens.
“Um . . . am I interrupting something?” Hardin’s voice travels through the
room.
“No,comein,”Itellhimandherollshiseyes.Ihopeheisstillinadecent
mood.
“Ibroughtyousomeclothestosleepin,”hetellsme.Heplacesasmallpileon
thebedandgoestowalkout.
“Thankyou,butyoucanstay.”Idon’twanthimtoleave.
HelooksatLandonandsnaps,“No,I’mgood,”beforeleavingtheroom.
“Heissomoody!”Iwhineandplopdownonthebed.
Landonchucklesandsitsbackdown.“Yeah,moodyisonewordforit.”
WebothburstintolaughterandthenLandonbeginstotalkaboutDakotaand
howhecan’twaitforhertocomevisitnextweekend.Ialmostforgotaboutthe
bonfire. Noah is coming. Maybe I should tell him not to. What if this change
between Hardin and me is all in my head? I feel like something has changed
betweenustoday,andhedidtellmehewantsmemorethanhehaseverwanted
anyone.Buthedidn’texactlysayhehasfeelingsforme,onlythathewantsme.
After an hour of Landon and I talking about everything from Tolstoy to the
Seattleskyline,hetellsmegoodnightandretreatstohisroom,leavingmealone
tomythoughtsandthesoundoftherain.
chapterfifty
IpickuptheclothesHardinbroughtmetowear:oneofhissignatureblackT-
shirts,apairofred-and-grayplaidpants,andsomelargeblacksocks.Ilaughat
theideaofHardinactuallywearingthose,butthenIrealizethesearelikelyfrom
thedresserofunwornclothes.Ilifttheshirtupanditsmellslikehim.Hehas
wornthisone,andrecently.Thesmellisintoxicating,mintyandindescribable,
butitismynewlyacquiredfavoritescentintheentireworld.Ichangeintothe
clothes,findingthepantsmuchtoobigbutverycomfortable.
Iliedownonthebedandpulltheblanketuptomychest,myeyesfixatedon
the ceiling as I relive the whole day in my mind. I feel myself drifting off to
sleep,todreamofgreeneyesandblackT-shirts.
“NO!!”Hardin’svoicejoltsmeawake.AmIhearingthings?
“Please!”heyellsagain.Ijumpoutofbedandrunacrossthehall.Myhands
findthecoldmetalofthedoorknobtoHardin’sroomand,thankGod,itopens.
“NO! Please . . .” he yells again. I didn’t think this through; if someone is
hurting him, I have no idea what I will do. I fumble around for the lamp and
switchiton.Hardinisshirtlessandtangledinthethickcomforter,thrashingand
tossing.Withoutthinking,Isitonthebedandreachforhisshoulder.Hisskinis
hot,toohot.
“Hardin!”Isayquietly,tryingtowakehim.Hisheadsnapstotheside,andhe
whimpersbutdoesn’twake.
“Hardin,wakeup!”Icryandshakehimharderwhilemybodymovestosit
astride his. Both of my hands go to his shoulders once more and I shake him
again.
Hiseyesflyopen;terrorfillsthemforabriefmomentbeforeconfusion,then
relief.Beadsofsweatcoverhisforehead.
“Tess,”hechokes.Thewayhesaysmynamebreaksmyheart,thenhealsit.
Withinsecondsheuntangleshisarmsandbringsthemtomyback,pushingme
forwardtolieonhischest.Thewetnessofhischeststartlesme,butIstayput.I
canhearhisheartbeating,pumpingrapidlyagainstmycheek.PoorHardin.Iput
bothofmyhandsonhissides,hugginghim.Hestrokesmyhairasherepeatsmy
nameoverandover,asifIamhistalismaninthedark.
“Hardin,areyouokay?”Mywordsarelowerthanawhisper.
“No,”heconfesses.Hischestisrisingandfallingslowerthanitwas,buthis
breathingisstillshallow.Idon’twanttopushhimtodiscusswhatterrorhehas
justdreamed.
Idon’taskhimifhewantsmetostay;somehowIknowhedoes.WhenIlift
uptoturnthelampoffhisbodystills.
“Iwasgoingtoswitchthelightoff,ordoyouwantiton?”Iaskhim.Oncehe
realizesmyintentionsherelaxes,lettingmereachfarthertothelamp.
“Off,please,”hebegs.Oncetheroomreturnstodarkness,Ilaymyheadback
on his chest. I would imagine lying this way, straddling his body would be
difficult,butitiscomfortingtohimandmeboth.Hearinghisheartbeatunder
thehardsurfaceofhischestiscalming,morecalmingthanthepatteroftherain
ontheroof.Iwoulddoanything,giveanything,tobeabletospendeverynight
withHardin,toliethiswaywithhim,tohavehisarmswrappedaroundmeand
hisbreathingslowinmyear.
I WAKE UP to Hardin shifting below me. I am still lying on top of him, my
kneesastridehim.Iliftmyheadfromwhereitrestsonhischestandencounter
hisdazzlinggreeneyes.InthelightofdayIamnotsureifIamwantedthewayI
waslastnight.Ican’treadhisexpression,whichleavesmynervestotakeover.I
movetoclimboffhim,sincemyneckfeelssorefromsleepingonhishardchest,
andIneedtostretchmylegsoutanyway.
“Goodmorning.”Hegivesmeadimpledsmile,soothingmyfear.
“Goodmorning.”
“Whereareyougoing?”heasks.
“Myneckhurts,”Isay,andhebringsmetolienexttohim,mybackpressed
againsthisfront.Hestartlesmebybringinghishandtomyneck,causingmeto
jump.Irecoverquicklyashishandbeginstorubmyneck.MyeyescloseandI
wincealittleathiscontactwiththeache,butthepainslowlydisappearsashe
massages.
Hespeaksbeforeme.“Thankyou.”
Iturnmyheadto lookathim.“Forwhat?”Maybeheistellingmetothank
himfortheneckrub?
“For...cominginhere.Forstaying.”Hischeeksflushandhiseyesdartaway
from mine. He is embarrassed. Hardin embarrassed; he never ceases to amaze
andconfuseme.
“Youdon’thavetothankme.Doyouwanttotalkaboutit?”Ihopehedoes.I
wanttoknowwhathedreamsabout.
“No,”hestatesplainly,andInod.Iwanttopushitfurther,butIknowwhat
willhappenifIdo.
“Iwilltalkabouthowincrediblysexyyoulookwearingmyshirt,though,”he
coosinmyear.Henudgesmyheadwithhisandbringshislipstomyskin.My
eyes close in response to his plump lips wrapping around my earlobe, gently
tugging. I can feel him hardening against me, making me feel drowsy in an
incredibleway.ThistypeofmoodswingisonethatIcanenjoy.
“Hardin,”Ichirpandhechucklesagainstmyneck.Hishandstraveldownmy
body;hebringshisthumbalongthewaistbandoftheoversizeplaidpajamas.My
pulsebeginstoquickenandIgaspashishandslidesdownthefrontofthepants.
Healwayshasthesameeffectonme;withinsecondsIfeelmyselfpoolinginmy
panties.Hisotherhandcupsmybreastandhehissesasheflickshisthumbover
mysensitivenipple,makingmegladIdecidednottosleepinmybra.
“Ican’tgetenoughofyou,Tess.”Hisraspyvoiceisevendeeper,filledwith
lust. His hand cups me over my panties and he pulls me as close to him as
possible. His erection presses against me. I reach down and take his hand,
removingitfrommypants.WhenIturntofacehim,afrowncovershisface.
“I...Iwanttodosomethingforyou,”Iwhisperslowly,embarrassed.
A smile overtakes the frown and he takes my chin in between his fingers,
forcingmetolookathim.
“Whatdoyouwanttodo?”heasks.Idon’tknow,exactly;IjustknowIwant
tomakehimfeelasgoodashedoesme.IwanttoseehimlosecontrollikeIdid
inthissameroom.
“I don’t know . . . what do you want me to do?” My lack of experience is
evidentinmytone.
Hardinputsmyhandsinhisandslidesthemdowntothebulgeinhispants.“I
reallywantthoseplumplipswrappedaroundme.”
Igaspathiswords,andfeelthepressureinbetweenmythighs.
“Is that something you want?” he asks, his hands moving circles over his
crotch.Hisdarkeyesregardme,gaugingmyreaction.
Inodandgulp,earningasmilefromhim.Hesitsupandpullsmetojoinhim.
Nervousness and want both flood my body. The loud jingle of his ringtone
echoesthroughtheroomandhegroansbeforesnatchinghisphoneoffthetable.
Hiseyesmeetthescreenandhesighs.
“I’llberightback,”heinformsmeanddisappearsoutoftheroom.Hereturns
afewminuteslaterandhismoodhaschangedoncemore.
“Karen is making breakfast. It’s almost finished.” He pulls open the dresser
andgrabsaT-shirt,tossingitoverhisheadwithoutlookinginmydirection.
“Okay.”Istandupandgotothedoor,needingtoputabraonbeforeIgosee
hisfamily.
“Seeyoudownstairs.”Histoneisemotionless.
Iswallowthelumprisinginmythroat.GuardedHardinismyleastfavorite
Hardin,evenlesslikedthanangryHardin.Whocalledhim,andwhydiditmake
himsodistant?Whycan’thejuststayinagoodmood?
I nod and walk across the hall, smelling bacon that causes my stomach to
grumble.
Iputmybraon,andpullthedrawstringontheplaidpantsastightasitwill
go. I contemplate putting my dress back on, but I really don’t want to be
uncomfortablethisearlyinthemorning.Checkingthelargemirroronthewall,I
runmyfingersthroughmyunrulyhairandwipethesleepfrommyeyes.
AsIclose the bedroomdoor, Hardin openshis.Insteadof looking athim,I
focus on the wallpaper and walk forward down the hall. I can hear his steps
behind me, and when I reach the staircase his hand wraps around my elbow,
pullingmegently.
“What’swrong?”heasks,worrycloudinghisfeatures.
“Nothing, Hardin,” I snap. I am overly emotional and I haven’t even had
breakfastyet.
“Tellme,”hedemands,dippinghisheadsothathisfaceisinfullview.
Igivein.“Whocalledyou?”
“Noone.”
Helies.“WasitMolly?”Idon’twanttoknowtheanswer.
Hedoesn’tsayanything,buthisexpressiongivesawaythatI’mright.Heleft
theroomasIwasaboutto...dothattohim...toansweraphonecallfrom
Molly?IshouldbemoresurprisedthanIam.
“Tessa,it’snot...”hebegins.Ipullmyarmfromhisgripandheclencheshis
jaw.
“Hey,guys.”Landonappearsinthehall,andIsmile.Hishairisstickingup
slightlyandhewearsplaidpantssimilartomine.Helooksadorableandsleepy.I
pass Hardin and move toward Landon. I refuse to let Hardin know how
embarrassed and hurt I am by him answering Molly’s call while we were
togetherlikethat.
“How did you sleep last night?” Landon asks and I follow him down the
stairs,leavingafrustratedHardintohimself.
Karen has gone all out on breakfast, like I could have predicted she would.
Hardin joins us at the table a few minutes later, but I’ve already piled eggs,
bacon,toast,awaffle,andafewgrapesonmyplate.
“Thankyousomuchformakingthisbreakfastforus,”ItellKarenonmine
andHardin’sbehalf;Iknowhewon’tbebotheredwiththankingher.
“It’smypleasure,dear—howdidyousleep?Ihopethestormdidn’tkeepyou
awake.”Shesmiles.
Hardintensesbesideme,probablyworriedIwillmentionhisnightmare.He
shouldknowbynowIwouldneverdothat,sohislackoftrustonlybothersme
more.
“Isleptgreat,actually. Isuredidn’tmissmybedinmydorm!” I laughand
everyonejoinsme, everyone exceptHardin,ofcourse. He takesadrink of his
orangejuiceandkeepshiseyesfocusedonthewall.Mindlessbreakfastchatter
fillsthediningroomasKenandLandonbanteraboutsomefootballgame.
AFTER BREAKFAST, I help Karen clean up the kitchen once more. Hardin
hoversinthedoorway,notofferingtohelpbutjustwatchingme.
“If you don’tmind me asking, is that a greenhouse in the backyard?” I ask
Karen.
“Whyyes, it is.I haven’tdonemuch withitthis year, but Iabsolutely love
gardening. You should have seen it last summer,” she says. “Do you like to
garden?”
“Oh, yes, my mother has a greenhouse out back as well and it was where I
spentmostofmyfreetimeasachild.”
“Really? Well, maybe if you two come around more often, we could make
somethingoutofmine,”shesays.Sheissokind,andloving.EverythingIwishI
hadinamother.
Ismile.“Thatwouldbelovely.”
Hardin disappears momentarily, and when he returns he clears his throat
loudly.Webothturntolookathim.
“We should get going soon,” he says and I frown. He has my clothes and
purseinhishands,holdingoutmyToms.It’salittleweirdhedoesn’tgivemea
moment to change out of the pajamas, and a little discomforting that he went
throughmythings,butIoverlookit.WesayourgoodbyesandIhugKarenand
KenwhileHardinwaitsimpatientlybythedoor.
I promise them that we will return soon, and hope that it will come true. I
knewmytimehere would end,butithasbeen such anicedeparturefrom my
normallife,nolists,noalarms,noobligations.Iamnotreadyforittoend.
chapterfifty-one
Thecarrideisawkward.Iholdmyclothesonmylapandstareoutthewindow,
waitingtoseeifHardinisgoingtobreakthesilencethathangsbetweenus.He
makesno moveto speak so I pullmy phoneout ofmy purse. It’soff;itmust
havediedlastnight.Itrytoturnitonanywayandthescreencomestolife.Iam
relievedtofindthatIhavenonewvoicemailsortexts.Theonlynoiseinthecar
isthelightrainandtheslowscreechofthewindshieldwipers.
“Areyoustillmad?”hefinallyasksashepullsontocampus.
“No,”Ilie.Iamnotexactlymad,justhurt.
“Itsureseemslikeyouare.Don’tactlikeachild.”
“Well,Iamnot.Icouldn’tcarelessifyouwanttodropmeoffsoyoucango
hookupwithMolly.”ThewordstumblefrommymouthbeforeIcanstopthem.
IhatethewayIfeelabouthimandMolly.Itmakesmesicktomystomachto
thinkofthemtogether.Whatisitabouther,anyway?Herpinkhair?Hertattoos?
“That’snotwhatIamdoing.Notthatit’syourbusiness,”hescoffs.
“Yeah,well,youjumpedtoansweryourphonewhenIwasaboutto...well,
youknow,”Imutter.Ishouldhavejuststayedquiet.Idon’twanttofightwith
Hardin right now. Especially when I don’t know when I will see him again. I
really wish he hadn’t dropped Literature. He just pushes my buttons, every
singleone.
“Itisn’tlikethat,Theresa,”hesays.
SowearebacktoTheresa?
“Really,Hardin?Itseemslikeitistome.Idon’treallygiveacrapanyway.I
knew it wouldn’tlast,” I finally admit to him and myself. The reason I didn’t
wanttoleavehisfathershouseisthatIknewonceitwasjustHardinandme,it
wouldgobacktothis.Italwaysdoes.
“Whatwouldn’tlast?”
“This...us.Youbeingdecenttome.”Idon’tdaretolookathim;that’show
hegetsmetoturntoputtyeverytime.
“Sowhatthen?You’regoingtoavoidmeforanotherweek?Webothknow
thatbythisweekendyou’llbebackinmybed,”hesnaps.
Hesurelydidnotjustsaythat.
“Ex-cuseme?!”Ishout.Iamatalossforwords.Noonehasevertalkedtome
thewayhehas—noonehaseverbeensodisrespectful.Tearsbrimovermyeyes
asthecarslowstopark.
Beforehecanrespond,Iopenthedoor,grabmythings,andbolttowardmy
room. I cut across the soaking grass and curse at myself for not taking the
sidewalk,butIjust needtogetasfarawayfromHardinaspossible.Whenhe
saidhewantsme,hemeantsexually.Iknewthisbutithurtstoletitsoakin.
“Tessa!”Ihearhimcall.OneofSteph’sheelsdropsandfallstothegroundbut
Ikeeprunning.Iwillgetheranewpair.
“Damnit,Tessa!Stop!”heyellsagain.Ihadn’texpectedhimtofollowme.I
pushmyselftorunfaster,andfinallyIreachmybuildingandrundownthehall.
BythetimeIreachmydormroom,Iamfull-onsobbing.Iyankthedooropen,
thenslamitshutbehindme.MytearsmixwiththerainandIturntolookformy
bathtoweltocleanoffwith—
AndamfrozeninplacewhenIseeNoahsittingonmybed.
OhGod,notnow.Hardinwillbecrashingthroughthedooranysecond.
Noahgetsupandrushestowardme.“Tessa,whatiswrong?Wherehaveyou
been?”Hishandtriestocupmycheek,butIturnmyhead.Painflashesinhis
eyesasIturnawayfromhistouch.
“It’s...Iamsosorry,Noah,”IcryasHardinyanksthedooropen,thehinges
squeakingandcrackingfromhismight.
Noah’s eyes widen and narrow as his gaze meets Hardin’s. He backs away
from me with a horrified expression. Hardin tosses the high heel that I left
behindandwalksfartherintotheroomwithoutacknowledgingNoah’spresence
atall.
“Ididn’tmeanthat,whatIjustsaid,”hesays.
Noah looks at me, hatred laced through his voice as he exclaims, “That’s
whereyouwere?Youwerewithhimallnight?Arethosehisclothes?Itriedto
callyouandtextyouallnightandallmorning—Ileftyoucountlessvoicemails
andyouwerewithhim?”
“What? I—” I start, but then turn to Hardin. “You went through my phone,
didn’t you? You deleted the messages!” I shout at him. My head tells me to
answerNoah,butmyheartisfocusedonlyonHardin.
“Yeah...Idid,”headmits.
“Why the hell would you do that? You can answer Molly’s calls, but you
deletemymessagesfrommyboyfriend?!”
HewincesasIcallNoahmyboyfriend.
“Howdareyouplaythesegameswithme,Hardin!”Iscream,sobbingagain.
Noahgrabsmywristandturnsmetofacehim,whichonlypromptsHardinto
shoveNoahbackbyhisshoulders.
“Donottouchher,”hegrowls.
Thisisnothappening.Iwatchasthedaytimesoapoperathathasbecomemy
lifeunfoldsinfrontofme.
“You don’t tell me what to do with my girlfriend, you prick,” Noah says
angrily,andshovesHardin.
Hardin advances toward Noah once more, but I grab his shirt and pull him
back.MaybeIshouldletthemfighteachother.Hardindeservesagoodpunchin
thejaw.
“Stopit!Hardin,justgo!”Iwipemytears.
HardinglaresatNoahagainandmovestostandinfrontofme.Ireachover
andgentlyplacemypalmagainstHardin’sback,hopingitmayhelpcalmhim.
“No, I’m not leaving this time, Tessa. I have already done that too many
times.”Hesighsandrunshisfingersthroughhishair.
“Tessa,makehimleave!”Noahbegs,butIignorehim.Ihavetoknowwhat
Hardinwillsay.
“Ididn’tmeanwhat Isaid inthe car, and I don’tknow why I took Molly’s
phonecall.It’sahabit,Iguess—pleasejustgivemeanotherchance.Iknowyou
have already given me too many chances, but I just need one more. Please,
Tess.”Heletsoutabigbreath.Hesoundsexhausted.
“WhyshouldI,Hardin?Ihavecontinuedtogiveyouchancestobemyfriend
overandover,”Itellhim.“Idon’tthinkIhaveitinmetotryagain.”Iamfaintly
awareofNoahgapingatus,butatthemomentIdon’tcare.Iknowthisiswrong
—I’mwrong—butI’veneverwantedanythingsomuchinmylife.
“Idon’tjustwanttobefriends...Iwantmore.”Hiswordsknockthewind
rightoutofme.
“No,youdon’t.”Hardindoesn’tdate,mysubconsciouswarns.
“Yes,Ido.Ido.”
“Yousaidyoudon’tdateandthatIwasn’tyourtype,”Iremindhim.Mymind
still can’t wrap itself around the fact that I am having this conversation with
Hardin,infrontofNoah,atthat.
“Youaren’tmytype,justthewaythatIamnotyours.Butthat’swhyweare
goodforeachother—wearesodifferent,yetwe’rethesame.Youtoldmeonce
thatIbringouttheworstinyou.Well,youbringoutthebestinme.Iknowyou
feelit,too,Tessa.Andyes,Ididn’tdate,untilyou.Youmakemewanttodate,
youmakemewanttobebetter.IwantyoutothinkIamworthyofyou;Iwant
youtowantmethewayIdoyou.Iwanttofightwithyou,evenscreamateach
otheruntiloneofusadmitswearewrong.Iwanttomakeyoulaugh,andlisten
toyourambleaboutclassicnovels.Ijust...Ineedyou.IknowIamcruelat
times...well,allthetime,butthat’sonlybecauseIdon’tknowhowelsetobe.”
Hisvoicebecomesahalfwhisper,hiseyeswild.“Thishasbeenmeforsolong,I
haveneverwantedtobeanyotherway.Untilnow,untilyou.”
I am dumbfounded. He’s said everything I wanted him to say but never
imaginedthatheactuallywould.ThisisnottheHardinIknow,butthewayhis
words came out in a rushed string, and the heavy breathing that accompanied
them,somehowmakeitallthemoretrueandnatural.
IamnotsurehowIamstillstandingafterhisdeclaration.
“Whatthehell?Tessa?”Noahsaysfrantically.
“Youshouldgo,”Iwhisper,notbreakingeyecontactwithHardin.
Noahstepsforwardand crowswithvictory. Thank you!I thoughtthatwas
nevergoingtoend.”
Hardinlooksheartbroken,absolutelycrushed.
“Noah,Isaidyoushouldgo,”Irepeat.
Bothmensuckinasharpbreath.ReliefwashesoverHardinandIreachfor
hishands,threadingmysmallfingersthroughhistremblingones.
“What?” Noah shouts. “You can’t be serious, Tessa! We have known each
othersolong—thisguyisjustusingyou.Hewilltossyouasideassoonasheis
donewithyou,andIloveyou!Don’tmakethismistake,Tessa,”hebegs.
Ifeelfor him, andithurts me todothis to him,butI know Ican’tbe with
Noah.IwantHardin.MorethananythingI’veeverwantedinmylife.
AndHardinwantsme.Morewithme.
My heart flutters again and I look at Noah, who opens his mouth to say
something.
“Iwouldstoptalking.Now,”Hardinwarnshim.
“Iamsosorrythatithappenedthisway,Ireallyam,”Isay.
Hedoesn’tsayanythingelse.Helooksbrokenashepicksupthebackpackhe
broughtandleavesmyroom.
“Tessa...I...Youreallydofeelthesameway?”HardingaspsandInod.
Howcouldhenotknowthisbynow?
“Nonodding,pleasesayit.”Desperationfuelshiswords.
“Yeah,HardinIdo,”Isay.Idon’thaveabeautifulormeaningfulspeechlike
hedid,butthosesimplewordsseemtobeenoughforhim.
ThesmileIreceivehealssomeofthepainIfeelfrombreakingNoah’sheart.
“Sowhatdowedonow?”heasks.“I’mnewatthis.”Heflushes.
“Kissme,”Isayandhepullsmetohischest,hishandfistingtheloosefabric
ofhisshirtonmyback.Hislipsarecoolandhistongueiswarmasitslipsinto
mymouth.Despitethechaosthatjustoccurredinmysmallroom,Ifeelcalm.
This feels like a dream. I somehow know it is the calm before the storm, but
rightnowHardinismyanchor.Ijustpraythathedoesn’tpullmeunder.
chapterfifty-two
WhenHardinfinallybreaksourkiss,hesitsonmybedandIjoinhim.
We’requietforafewminutes,soIbegintofeelnervous,likethereissome
wayIshouldbebehavingnowthatweare...more,butIhavenocluewhatway
thatis.
“Whatdoyouhaveplannedfortherestoftheday?”heasks.
“Nothing,juststudying,”Isay.
“Cool.”Heclickshistongueontotheroofofhismouth.Heseemsnervous,
too,andIamgladitisn’tjustme.
“Comehere.”Hardinbeckonsmeandopenshisarms.
ThemomentIsitonhislap,thedooropensandhegroans.Steph,Tristan,and
Nateallpourin andthenstareatusasIclimboffHardinandsitontheother
sideofthebed.
“Soareyouguyslikefuckbuddiesnow?”Natesaysplainly.
“No!Wearen’t!”Isqueak.Idon’tknowwhatIshouldtellthem,soIjustwait
forHardintosaysomething.HestaysquietasTristanandNatebegintotalkto
himaboutthepartylastnight.
“ItseemsIdidn’tmissmuch,”Hardinsaystothem,andNateshrugs.
“UntilMollygaveusastripshow;shegotcompletelynaked,youshouldhave
been there,” Nate replies. I cringe and look toward Steph, who is staring at
Tristan,probablyhopingheisn’tgoingtocommentonMollybeingnaked.
Hardinsmiles.“NothingIhaven’tseenbefore.”
Igasp,thentrytoconcealitasacough.Hedidnotjustsaythat.
Hisfacefalls,seemingtounderstandwhathejustdid.
Maybe this was a terrible idea; it is already sort of awkward, and now that
everyoneisintheroomit’smagnified.Whydidn’thetellthemweweredating?
Arewedating?Idon’treallyunderstand,myself.Ithoughtafterhisconfession
that we were, but we never actually said it. Maybe we don’t need to? This
uncertaintyisalreadydrivingmecrazy;theentiretimeIhavebeenwithNoahI
haveneverhadtoworryabouthisfeelingsforme.Ineverhadtodealwithex-
friends with benefits—I am the only girl Noah has ever kissed in his life, and
honestlyIlikeitthatway.IwishHardinhadneverdoneanythingwithanother
girl,oratleasthaddonethingswithfewerofthem.
“We’regoingbowlingafterIchange.Doyouwanttocome?”StephasksandI
shakemyhead.
“I have to catch up on my studying. I have barely gotten any done this
weekend,” I tell her and look away as the memories of this weekend flood
throughmymind.
“Youshouldcome,itwillbefun,”Hardinsays,butIshakemyhead.Ireally
needtostayin,andIwassortofhopinghewouldstaywithme.Stephstepsinto
theclosetandreturnsafewminuteslaterwithdifferentclotheson.
“Ready,guys?You’resureyoudon’twanttocome?”sheasksme.
Inod.“I’msure.”
Theyallgetuptoleave,andHardingivesmeawaveandasmallsmilebefore
exitingthe room.I’m disappointedwith Hardin’s goodbye, and hope thathe’d
madetheseplansbeforethisweekendtogetherandthedramatoday.
Butwhat didI expect?For him to rush over and kiss me, tellme hewould
miss me? I laugh at the thought. I don’t know if anything will even change
betweenHardinandmebesidesusactivelytryingtoavoidoneanother.Iamtoo
usedtohowthingsarewithNoah,soIhavenoideahowthisisgoingtobe,and
Ihatenothavingcontrolovereverysituation.
Afteran hour ofstudying and attemptingto take anap, I grabmy phoneto
text Hardin. Wait, I don’t even have his number. I had never thought about it
before;wehavenevertalkedonthephoneortextedbefore.Weneverneededto;
we couldn’t stand each other. This is going to be more complicated than I
thought.
Icallmymothertocatchupwithher,andmostlytoseeifNoahhastoldher
what happened yet. He would be arriving back home soon from the two-hour
drive,andIamsurehewon’twasteanytimetellinghereverything.Sheanswers
with a simple hello, so I know she has no clue yet. I tell her about my failed
attempt to get a car, and the possible internship with Vance. Of course, she
remindsmethatIhavebeenatcollegeoveramonthandIstillhaven’tfounda
car. I roll my eyes andlet her continue to rambleon about whatshe has been
doingthelastweek.MyphonelightsupwhileIamlisteningtoher.Iplaceher
onspeakerphoneandreadthetext.
You should have come with us, with me, the message reads. My heart swells; it’s
Hardin.
Pretendingtolistentomymother,Imumble“Hmm...oh...”afewtimes
whileItexthimback.
Youshouldhavestayed,Isend.Istareatthescreen,waitingforhimtoreply.
Iamcomingtopickyouup,herepliesafterwhatseemslikeforever.
What?No,Idon’twanttogobowling,you’realreadythere.Juststay.
Ialreadyleft.Beready.Boy,he’sdemanding,eventhroughtextmessages.
MymotherisstilltalkingandIhavenoideawhatabout.Istoppedlistening
onceHardintextedme.“Mom,Iwillcallyouback,”Iinterrupt.
“Why?”sheaskswithsurpriseanddisdain.
“I...um...well,Ispilledcoffeeonmynotes.Igottago.”
I hang up and hastily go into the closet, pulling Hardin’s pajamas off and
grabbingmynewjeansandaplainpurpletop.Ibrushoutmyhair,whichlooks
decentconsideringithasn’tbeenwashed.Icheckthetimeandgodowntothe
bathroomtobrushmyteeth,andwhenIreturnHardiniswaitingonmybed.
“Wherewereyou?”heasks.
“Brushingmyteeth,”Itellhimandputmytoiletrybagaway.
“Ready?”Hestandsupandwalkstowardme.Ihalfexpecthimtohugme,but
hedoesn’t.Hejustmovestothedoor.
Inodandgrabmypurseandphone.
Whenwegettohiscar,hekeepstheradiodownashedrives.Ireallydon’t
wanttogotothebowlingalley. Ihatebowling,butIwanttospendtimewith
him.Idon’tlikehowcodependentIalreadyfeel.
“How long do you think we will be there?” I ask after a few minutes of
silence.
“Idon’tknow...why?”Helookssidewaysatme.
“Idon’tknow...Idon’treallycareforbowling.”
“It won’t be too bad. Everyone’s there,” he assures me. I hope everyone
doesn’tincludepart-timehoMolly.
“Iguess,”Imumbleandlookoutthewindow.
“Youdon’twanttogo?”Hisvoiceisquiet.
“Notreally,that’swhyIsaidnothefirsttime.”Ilaughalittlenonlaugh.
“Let’sgosomewhereelse,then?”
“Where?”Iamirritatedwithhim,butI’mnotsurewhy.
“Myhouse,”hesuggestsandIsmileandnod.Hissmilegrows,showingthe
dimplesthatIhave grownsofondof.“Myhouseitis,then.”He reachesover
andputshishandonmythigh.Myskinwarms,andIputmyhandoverhis.
Fifteenminuteslaterwearepullinguptothelargefraternityhouse.Ihaven’t
beenheresinceHardinandIfoughtandIwalkedbacktothedorms.Asheleads
meupthestairs,noneoftheguysbotherstolooktwiceatus;theymustbeused
toseeingHardinbringagirlhome.Mystomachpingsatthethought.Ineedto
stopthinkingthisway,becauseit’sgoingtodrivemeinsaneandthereisnothing
Icandotochangeit.
“Hereweare,”Hardinsaysandunlockshisdoor.Ifollowhiminsideandhe
turns the light on, kicking his boots offhis feet and onto the floor. He moves
overtohisbedandpatsthespotnexttohim.
AsIwalktowardhim,mycuriositygetsthebestofme.“WasMollythere?At
thebowlingalley?”IlookouthiswindowasIaskhim.
“Yeah,ofcourseshewas,”heanswerscasually.“Why?”
IsitdownonthesoftbedandHardinpullsmebymyanklesclosertohim.I
laughandslidecloser,mybackflatagainstthebed,puttingmykneesupandmy
feetontheothersideofhislegs.
“Iwasjustwondering...”Itellhimandhegrins.
“Sheisalwaysgoingtobearound;she’sapartofourgroup.”
Iknowit’ssillyofmetobethisjealousofher,butshejustbothersme.She
actslikeshelikes me,whenIknowshedoesn’t,andIknowshelikesHardin.
Nowthatweare...whateverweare,Idon’twanthernearhim.
“Youaren’tlikeworriedthatIwillfuckher,areyou?”
Iswathisarmathisuseofwords.Ilovethewaydirtywordssoundcoming
offhislips,butnotwhenshe’sinvolved.
“No,well,I...maybe.Ijustknowyouhavebefore,andIdon’twantyouto
again,” I say. I am sure he is going to mock my jealousy, so I turn my head
sideways.
Hishandgoestomykneeandhesqueezesgently.“Iwouldn’tdothat...not
now.Don’tworryabouther,okay?”Hiswordsaregentle,andIbelievehim.
“Whydidn’tyoutellanyoneaboutus?”IknowIshouldjustshutmymouth,
butithasbeenbotheringme.
“Idon’tknow...Iwasn’tsureifyouwantedmeto.Besides,whatwedois
ourbusiness.Nottheirs,”heexplains.Hisanswerismuchbetterthanwhatwas
goingthroughmymind.
“Iguessyou’reright.Ithoughtmaybeyouwereembarrassedorsomething?”I
sayandhelaughs.
“Why would I possibly be embarrassed by you? Look at you.” His eyes
darkenandhemoveshishandtomystomach.Hisfingerstugupmyshirtandhe
drawscirclesonmybareskinwithhisdigits.Goosebumpsraisemyskinandhe
smiles.
“I love the way your body responds to me,” he breathes. I know what is
comingnext,andIcan’twait.
chapterfifty-three
Hardin’sfingerstrailfartherupmyshirt,causingmybreathtoquicken.Asmile
creepsontohisbeautifulfaceashebecomesaware.
“Onetouchand you’realreadypanting,” his raspyvoice whispers. Heleans
over,movingmyfeetoffhislapsothathecanbringhismouthtomyneck.His
tonguemakesaflatstripedownmyneckandIquiver.Myfingersthreadintohis
curlsandItugashenipsatmyskin.Oneofhishandsslidesdowninbetween
mylegsbutIgrabhiswristtostophim.
“What’swrong?”heasks.
“Nothing...IjustthoughtthatIwoulddosomethingforyouthistime?”
Ilookaway,buthisfingerscupmychinsoIamforcedtomakeeyecontact
withhim.Hetriestohidehissmirk,butIcatchhim.
“Andwhatwouldyouliketodoforme?”
“Well...IthoughtIcould,youknow,whatyousaidtheotherday?”Idon’t
knowwhyIamsoshywithwordswhenHardinsaysanythingandeverythinghe
isthinking,butthewords“blowjob”arenotinmyvocabulary.
“Youwanttosuckmycock?”heasks,clearlysurprised.
Iamofficiallyhorrified.Yetsomehowturnedon.“Um...yeah.Imeanifyou
want me to?” I hope as our relationship progresses I will be able to say these
thingstohim.IwouldlovetobecomfortableenoughwithHardintobeableto
feelthatsortofbravery,totellhimexactlywhatIwanttodotohim.
“OfcourseIwantyou to.I’vewantedyourlipsaroundmesinceI firstsaw
you.”I’moddlyflatteredbyhiscruderemark,butthenheasks,“Areyousure,
though?Haveyouever...evenseenadickbefore?”
I’msureheknowstheanswertothat;maybehe’sjusttryingtogetmetosay
it?
“OfcourseIhave.Notarealone,butpictures,andIoncewalkedinonthe
neighbor watching a naughty movie,” I tell him and he stifles a laugh. “Stop
laughingatme,Hardin,”Iwarnhim.
“I’mnot,baby,I’msorry.It’sjustIhavenevermetanyonewhohassuchlittle
experience. It’s a good thing, though, I swear. Sometimes your innocence just
throwsmeoffabit.Butwiththatbeingsaid,it’s a huge turn-on that I am the
onlyonewhohasevermadeyoucome,yourselfincluded.”Hedoesn’tlaughthis
time,whichmakesmefeelbetter.
“Okay...solet’sgetstarted.”
Hesmilesandruns histhumbalongmycheek.“Sosassy,Ilikeit,”hesays
andstandsup.
“Whereareyougoing?”Iaskhimandhesmiles.
“Nowhere,Iamjusttakingmypantsoff.”
“I wanted to do that,” I say with a pout and he chuckles and tugs his pants
backup.
“Hereyago,babe.”Heputshishandsonhiships.
I smile and move forward, pulling his pants down. Should I pull down his
boxers,too?Hardintakesastepbackandputshisheelsagainsthisbedbefore
sittingdown.Idroptomykneesinfrontofhimandhetakesadeepbreath.
“Comecloser,babe.”
Iscootcloserandplacemyhandsonhisbentknees.
“Areyouokay?”heaskscarefully.
Inodandhepullsmeupbymyelbows.
“Let’sjustkissforaminute,okay?”hesuggestsandpullsmeontopofhim.
I have to admit I’m relieved. I still want to do this, I just need a minute to
process, and kissing will make me more comfortable. He kisses me, slowly at
first,butwithinsecondstheelectricitybuildsandtakesoverme.Igriphisarms
hardunder myfingertips androck backand forthon his lap. The bulge in his
thinboxersgrowsandItuggentlyonhishair.IwishIwouldhavewornaskirt
soIcouldliftitupandfeelhimagainstme...I’mshockedbymyownthoughts
asIreachdownandpalmhimthroughhisboxers.
“Fuck, Tessa. If you keep doing that, I will come in my boxers again,” he
moansandIstop,climbingoffhim.Imovetogetonmykneesagain.
“Take your jeans off,” he instructs, and I nod before unbuttoning them and
slidingthemdownmylegs.Feelingbrave,Ipullmyshirtovermyheadandtoss
itaside.HardintakeshislipbetweenhisteethasImovebackdowninfrontof
him.Myfingersgripthewaistbandofhisboxersandtugasheliftsoffthebed
enoughformetopullthemdown.
IcanfeelmyeyeswidenandhearmyowngaspasHardin’smanhoodcomes
intoview.Wow,it’sbig.MuchbiggerthanIexpected.HowamIgoingtoeven
getitintomymouth?
IstareforafewsecondsuntilIreachoutandtouchitwithmyindexfinger.
Hardinchucklesasitmovesslightlybutbouncesrightback.
“How...Imean...whatshouldIdofirst?”Istutter.Iamintimidatedbythe
sizeofhim,butIwanttodothis.
“I’llshowyou.Here...wrapyourfingerslikelasttime...”
MyfingersgoaroundhimandIwigglethemalittle.Theskincoveringhimis
much softer than I expected. I know I’m poking it and examining it like a
scienceproject,butthisissonewtome,italmostfeelslikeone.
Igripitlightlyandmovemyhandupanddownslowly.“Likethis?”Iask,and
Hardinnods,hischestrisingandfalling.
“Now...justputyourmoutharoundit.Notallofit,well,ifyoucan...but
justputasmuchasyoucan.”
Itakeadeepbreathandleandown.Openingmymouth,Itakehimin,only
about halfway. He hisses and his hands move to my shoulders. I pull back
slightlyandtastesomethingsalty.Isthatcomealready?Thetastegoesawayand
Imovemyheadupanddown.SomeinstinctthatIwasn’tawareoftellsmeto
movemytongueupanddownhisshaftasImove.
“Holyfuck.Yeah,likethat,”HardingroansandIrepeattheaction.Hisgripon
my shoulders tightens, and his hips rock upward to meet my mouth. I push
myself farther, taking almost all of him in, and look up at him. His eyes are
rolledtothebackofhisheadandhelooksheavenly.Theleanmuscleunderneath
histattooedskinispulling,makingthescriptacrosshisribsmoveslowly.Iturn
myfocusbacktosuckingandmovealittlefaster.
“Useyourhandon...ontherest...”hegaspsandIoblige.Myhandmoves
upanddownonthebottomofhimasmymouthworksthetop.Isuckmycheeks
inandhegroansagain.
“Fuck . . . fuck. Tessa. I am . . . I am so close,” he says, straining. “If you
don’twantitinyourmouth...then...you...havetostop.”
Ilookupathim,keepinghiminmymouth.Ilovethewayheislosingcontrol
becauseofme.
“Shit...keeplooking...atme.”Hisbodytensesashewatchesme.Ibatmy
eyelashes,givingthefulleffect.Hardincursesmynamerepeatedly,beautifully,
andIfeela slight jerk inmymouthand a warm, saltyliquidshootsdownmy
throatinshortspurts. Igagandpullback.Itdidn’ttasteas badasIthoughtit
would,butitdefinitelydoesn’ttastegood.Hishandsmovefrommyshouldersto
mycheeks.
He’soutofbreathanddazed.“How...wasit?”
Iclimboffmykneesandsitnexttohimonthebed.Hisarmswraparoundme
and he lays his head on my shoulder. “I thought it was nice,” I say, and he
laughs.
“Nice?”
“It was fun, sort of. To see you that way. And it didn’t taste as bad as I
thought,”Iconfess.IshouldbeembarrassedthatIjustadmittedtolikingit,but
I’mnot.“Howwasitforyou?”Iasknervously.
“Iwassoverypleasantlysurprised—thebestheadIhaveevergotten.”
Iblushathiswords.“Sureitwas.”Ilaugh.Iappreciatehimtryingtomake
mefeelbetteraboutmylackofexperience.
“No,really.Thewayyouareso...pure,itdoessomethingtome.Andfuck,
whenyoulookedupatme—”
“Okay!Okay!”Icuthimoffandwavemyhandathim.Idon’twanttorelive
everydetailofmyfirsttimedoingthis.Hechucklesandgentlypushesmeback
againstthemattress.
“Nowletmemakeyoufeelasgoodasyoudidme,”hegrowlsinmyearand
suckstheskinonmyneck.Hisfingershookintomypantiesandtugthemdown.
“Doyouwantmyfingerormytongue?”hewhispersseductively.
“Both,”Ianswerandhesmiles.
“Asyouwish.”Hedipshisheaddown.Iwhimperandtugathishairagain.I
do that a lot to him, but he seems to like it. My back arches off the bed, and
within minutes I’m in a completely euphoric state, calling Hardin’s name as I
comeundone.
AFTERMYBREATHINGSLOWS,Isitup and bring myfingerstotracethe
dark ink on his chest. He watches me carefully but doesn’t stop me. He stays
quietasheliesdownnexttome,lettingmeenjoymysedatedstate.
“No one has ever touched me this way,” he says, and I swallow all the
questions I want to ask him. Instead of interrogating him, I give him a small
smileandaquickkissonhischest.
“Staywithmetonight?”heasksandIshakemyhead.
“Ican’t;tomorrowisMondayandwehaveclasses.”Iwanttostaywithhim
butnotonaSunday.
Hislookissoft.“Please.”
“Idon’thaveanyclothestoweartomorrow.”
“Wearthose;pleasestaywithme.Justonenight.Ipromiseyouwillmakeitto
yourclassesontime.”
“Idon’tknow...”
“Iwilleven make sureyougetthere fifteen minutesearlyand have enough
timetostopbythecoffeehouseandmeetLandon,”hesaysandmylipspart.
“HowdoyouknowIdothat?”
“I watch you . . . I mean not all the time. But I notice you more than you
think,”hetellsmeandmyheartswells.I’mfallingforhim,hardandfast.
“I’llstay,”Itellhimbutholdmyhanduptocontinue.“Ononecondition.”
“What’sthat?”
“ComebacktoLiterature,”Iask,andheraiseshiseyebrow.
“Done.”
Ismileathissimpleanswerandhepullsmeclosertohischest.
chapterfifty-four
After lying in Hardin’s arms for a few minutes, I begin to think about my
agreementtostaywithHardintonight.
“Whataboutmyshowerinthemorning?”Iremindhim.
“Youcantakeonehere,downthehall.”Hislipsmeetmyjaw,trailingkisses
upanddown.Hislipsonmyskincausemyjudgmenttocloud;heknowsexactly
whatheisdoing.
“Inafrathouse?Whoknowswhowillcomein.”
“One,thedoorlocks,andtwo,Iwouldaccompanyyou,obviously,”hesays
betweenkisses.
Iscowlathistonebutdecidetoignoreit.“Fine.ButI’dliketotakeashower
now,beforeitgetstoolate.”
Henodsandstandsupandreachesforhisjeans.Iclimboffthebedanddothe
same,leavingmypantiesoff.
“Nopanties?”Hesmirks.
Ignoringhim, I rollmy eyesand say,“Do you haveshampoo? I don’teven
haveahairbrush.”I am startingtogetanxiousthinking of allthethingsthatI
don’thavewithme.“AndQ-tips?Dentalfloss?”Icontinue.
“Relax,wehaveQ-tipsandfloss.Weprobablyevenhaveanextratoothbrush,
andIknowthereis ahairbrushortwointhere.Thereareprobably evenextra
pantiesineverysizelyingaboutsomewhere,ifyouwantsome,”heinformsme.
“Panties?”IaskbeforeIrealizehemeanstheywereleftbyothergirls.“Never
mind,”Isayandhelaughs.IhopeHardindoesn’thavesomeweirdcollectionof
underwearfromgirlshehassleptwith.
Heleadsmetothebathroom.IfeelmorecomfortableinherethanIimagined,
onlybecauseIhavebeeninthisbathroomquiteafewtimes.
Hardinturnsonthewaterandpullshisshirtoverhishead.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Iask.
“Takingashower?”
“Oh,IthoughtIwastakingonefirst.”
“Takeonewithme,”hesayscasually.
“Um...no!Iwon’t.”Ilaugh.Ican’ttakeashowerwithhim.
“Whynot?I’vealreadyseenyou,youhaveseenme.What’sthebigdeal?”he
groans.
“Idon’tknow...Ijustdon’twantto.”Iknowhehasalreadyseenmenaked
butthisjustseemssointimate.Moreintimateeventhanwhatwejustdid.
“Fine.Yougofirst,then,”hesays,buthisvoicehaspickedupaslightedge.
Ismilesweetlyandignorehissourtoneandundress.Hiseyesscanmybody
and then look away. My hand reaches behind the curtain to check the
temperatureofthewaterandIstepin.
Hardinstayssilentwhile I wetmyhair.Toosilent. “Hardin?” I call.Didhe
leavethebathroom?
“Yeah?”
“Ithoughtmaybeyouleft.”
Hepullsbackthecurtainalittleandpopshiswavyheadin.“Nope,stillhere.”
“Is something wrong?” I ask him, frowning sympathetically. He shakes his
head in response but doesn’t say anything. Is he really pouting like a child
becauseIwon’ttakeashowerwithhim?Ialmostwanttotellhimtojoinme,but
Iwanthimtogetthepointthathecan’tjustgethiswayallthetime.Hishead
disappearsfromtheshowerandIhearhimsitdownonthetoilet.
Theshampooandbodywasharebothstrongmuskyscents.Imissmyvanilla
shampoo,butthisisfineforonenight.Itprobablywouldhavemademoresense
for Hardin to stay with me in my room, but Steph would be in there, and it
wouldbeawkwardtoexplaineverything,andIdon’timagineHardinwouldbe
asaffectionateifshewasaround.Thethoughtbothersme,butIpushitback.
“Couldyouhandmeatowel?”Iaskhimandshutoffthewater.“Ortwo,if
youhaveenough.”Iliketohaveoneformyhairandoneformybody.
Hishandpushesthroughthecurtainholdingtwotowels.Ithankhim,andhe
mutterssomethingthatIdon’tunderstand.
He pulls his jeans down as I dry off and turns the water back on. His long
armspullbackthecurtainandIcan’thelpbutstareathisnakedbody.Themore
Igettoseehimthisway,themorebeautifulthedesignsprintedonhisskinareto
me. I continue to stare as he steps into the shower. The water sprays onto his
dark hair and he closes the curtain. I should have taken one with him, not
becauseheispouting,butbecausenowIreallywantto.
“I’m going to go back to your room,” I tell him, figuring he’s ignoring me
anyway.
He jerks the curtain back, causing the rings to scrape against the rod. “No,
you’renot.”
“Okay,whatisyourproblem?”Isnap.
“Nothing,you’rejustnotgoingbackbyyourself.Therearethirtyguysliving
here,soyoudon’tneedtobewanderingthehalls.”
“No,there’ssomethingelse;youhavebeenpoutingsinceIsaidyoucouldn’t
takeashowerwithme.”
“No...Ihaven’t.”
“TellmewhyorIwillgooutthereinthistowel,”Ithreaten,knowingIwould
neveractuallydoit.Hiseyesnarrowandhereachesoutformyarmtostopme,
splashingwateronthefloor.
“Ijustdon’tlikebeingtoldno.”Hisvoiceislowbutmuchsofterthanitwas
momentsago.
IimaginethatwhenitcomestogirlsHardinhardly,ifever,hearsthewordno.
Mymindtellsmetotellhimtogetusedtoit,butIhaven’ttoldhimnountilthis
point,either.Assoonashetouchesme,Idowhateverhewants.
“Well, I am not like the other girls, Hardin,” I snap, my jealousy coming
forward.
Asmallsmileplaysonhislipsasthewaterrunsoverhisface.“Iknow,Tess.I
know.”HeclosesthecurtainandIpullmyclothesonandheturnsthewateroff.
“You can wear some of my clothes to bed,” he tells me and I nod. I barely
hearhimbecauseIamtoofocusedonhisglisteningbodyinfrontofme.Herubs
the white towel against his hair, leaving it sticking up all over his head, then
wrapsthetowelaroundhiswaist.Thetowelhangssolowonhishipshelooks
like pure sex. It feels like the temperature in the bathroom has risen twenty
degrees.Bendingdowntoopenacabinet,hepullsoutahairbrushandplacesit
intomyhand.
“Come,”hesaysandIshakemyhead,tryingtoclearthedirtythoughtsfrom
mymind.Wewalkdownthehallandturnthecornerasatallblondguyalmost
runsintome...Ilookupathisfaceandmyboneschill.
“Haven’tseenyouinawhile,”hepurrsandIfeelnauseous.
“Hardin,” I squeak and he turns around; it takes him only a moment to
rememberthisisthesameguywhotriedtomakeamoveonmebefore.
“Getawayfromher,Neil,”hebarksandNeil pales. Hemustnothave seen
Hardinbeforeheturnedthecorner.Hismistake.
“Mybad,Scott,”hesaysandwalksaway.
“Thanks,”IwhispertoHardin.Hewrapshishandovermineandunlockshis
door.
“Ishouldjustbeattheshitoutofhim,yeah?”HardinsaysasItakeaseaton
thebed.
“No!Youshouldn’t!”Ibeg.Ican’ttellifheisserious,butIdon’twanttofind
out. He grabs the remote off his dresser and switches the television on before
openingthedrawerandtossingmeaT-shirtandapairofboxers.
Iremovemyjeansandpulltheboxerson,rollingthemafewtimesatthetop.
“CouldImaybeweartheshirtyouworetoday?”Idon’trealizehowweirdit
soundsuntilthewordsareout.
“What?”Hegrins.
“I...well...nevermind.Idon’tknowwhatIwassaying,”Ilie.Iwantto
wearyourdirtyshirtbecauseitsmellsgood?Thatsoundsstrangeandcrazy.He
chucklesandpickstheshirtoffthefloorandwalksovertome.
“Here,babe,”hesaysandhandsittome.Iamgladhedidn’tembarrassme
further,butIstillfeelalittlesilly.
“Thanks,”Ichirpandpullmyownshirtoffandremovemybra,thensliphis
shirton.IinhaleandfinditsmellsjustasamazingasIknewitwould.
Catchingthis,hiseyessoftenashelooksatme.“Youarebeautiful,”hesays
andlooksaway.Igetthefeelinghedidn’tmeantosaythewordsoutloud,which
makesmyheartswellevenmore.Ismileathimandtakeasteptowardhim.
“Soareyou.”
“Enoughofthat,”hesayswithalaughashischeeksflush.“Whattimedoyou
needtobeupinthemorning?”heasksandsitsonthebed,browsingthroughthe
channels.
“Five,butIwillsetmyownalarm.”
“Five?Fiveinthemorning?Yourfirstclassisatwhat,nine?Whydoyouget
upsoearly?”
“Idon’tknow,justtobeprepared,Iguess?”Irakethehairbrushthroughmy
hair.
“Well,let’sgetupatseven;mybodydoesn’tfunctionbeforeseven,”hetells
meandIgroan.HardinandIaresodifferent.
“Sixthirty?”Itrytocompromise.
“Fine,sixthirty,”heagrees.
We spend the rest of the evening watching random television shows before
Hardinfallsasleepwithhisheadonmylap,myfingersrunningthroughhishair.
Islidedownandlienexttohim,tryingnottowakehim.
“Tess?”Hegroansandhishandsmoveinfrontofhimasifheisreachingfor
me.
“Here,”Iwhisperfrombehindhim.Heturnstohisothersideandwrapshis
armaroundmebeforefallingbacktosleep.HesaysthathesleepsbetterwhenI
amaround,andIthinkthat’strueformeaswell.
THENEXTMORNING,myalarmgoesoffatsixthirtyandIrusharoundtotry
to put yesterday’s clothes on and get Hardin up and dressed. He’s so hard to
wakeup.Ifeelflusteredandunprepared,butwemakeittomyroombyseven
fifteen,givingmeplentyoftimetochangeandbrushmyhairandteethagain.
Stephsleepsthroughitall,andIpreventHardinfrompouringaglassofwateron
herheadtowakeher.I’malsoreallyhappythatHardindoesn’tmakeanyrude
commentsasIpullononeofmylongskirtsandaplainblueshirt.
“See,it’sonlyeight;wehavetwentyminutesbeforewehavetoleavetowalk
tothecoffeehouse,”Hardinbrags.
“We?”
“Yeah,IthoughtIwouldwalkwithyou?Ifnot,that’scool,too,”hesaysand
looksaway.
“Yeah, of course it’s fine.” I am just not used to whatever this is that has
changed between Hardin and me. It will be nice not to have to avoid him, or
worry about running into him. What will Landon think? Will we even tell
Landon?
“Whatshouldwedowithourtwentyminutes?”Ismile.
“Ihaveafewideas.”Hislipsturntoasmirkandhepullsmeontohim.
“Stephishere,”Iremindhimashesuckstheskinundermyear.
“I know, we are only kissing,” he says, laughing, and he presses his lips to
mine.
WeleavebeforeStephwakes,andHardinofferstocarrymybag,whichisa
nicebutunexpectedgesture.
“Whereareyourbooks?”Iaskhim.
“I don’t bring them. I just borrow one every day, in every class. Keeps me
from having to carry one of these,” he says and gestures to my bag on his
shoulder.Irollmyeyesandlaughathim.
WhenwereachthecoffeehouseLandonisleaningagainstthebrickandseems
surprisedtoseeHardinandmetogether.Igivehiman“Iwillexplaineverything
later”lookandhesmiles.
“Well,Ibettergetgoing,Ihaveclassestosleepthrough,”HardinsaysandI
nod.WhatshouldIdo,hughim?
ButbeforeIcandecide,hedropsmybagandhookshisarmaroundmywaist,
pullingme tohis chestbefore kissingme. Ididn’tseethis coming.I kisshim
backandhereleasesme.
“See you later,” he says with a grin and looks at Landon. This couldn’t be
more awkward. Landon’s jaw is practically on the floor and I find myself
embarrassedbyHardin’sboldmove.
“Um...sorryaboutthat.”Idon’treallycareforpublicdisplaysofaffection.
NoahandIhaveneverdoneanythinglikethat,exceptwhenItriedtokisshimat
themalltogetHardinoffmymind.
“Ihavealottotellyou,”ItellLandon,whopicksupmybag.
chapterfifty-five
Landon stays quiet during most of my explanation of my breakup with Noah
andmy question about what to call my relationship with Hardin, since I think
we’redatingbutwehaven’texactlydiscusseditwithtechnicalterms.
“IknowIhavealreadywarnedyou,soIwon’tdoitagain.Butpleasejustbe
careful with him. Though I will admit he seems as infatuated with you as
someonelikehimcanbe,”Landonsaysaswetakeourseats.
ItmeansalottomethatdespitehisdislikeofHardinheisdoinghisbesttobe
understandingandsupportive.
AsIwalkintomythirdclass,mySociologyprofessorwavesmeovertohis
podium.
“Ijustgotacallthatyoushouldreporttothechancellorsoffice,”hetellsme.
What?Why?Amillionfearsseizeholdofmymind,andthenIrememberthat
Hardin’sfatheristhechancellor.Irelaxalittle,onlytohavemynervestakeover
fordifferentreasons.Whatcouldhepossiblyneed?Iknowcollegedoesn’twork
the same way as high school, but I feel as if I am getting called down to the
principal’soffice,onlytheprincipalhappenstobemy...boyfriend’s?...dad.
I pull my bag onto my shoulder and make my way across campus to the
administrationbuilding.It’salongwalkandtakesmeoverahalfhour.Igivethe
secretaryatthefrontdeskmynameandshequicklypicksupthephone.Ican’t
hearanythingexcept“Dr.Scott.”
“He is ready for you,” she says with a professional smile and points to the
woodendooracrossthehall.
I go over, but before I can knock, the door creaks open and Ken greets me
with a smile. “Tessa, thank you for coming,” he says, guiding me inside, then
gesturesformetositdown.Hetakesaseatinthelargeswivelchairbehindan
oversize cherrywood desk. I feel much more intimidated by him in this office
thanIeverdidathishome.
“Sorryforcallingyououtofclass.Ididn’tknowhowelsetoreachyouand
youknowreachingHardincanbe...difficult.”
“It’sokay,really.Issomethingwrong?”Iasknervously.
“No,not atall. Ihave a few things to discuss with you. Let’sstartwith the
internship.”Heleansforwardandputshishandsonthedesk.“I’mhappytosay
that I talked to my friend at Vance, and he would love to meet with you, the
soonerthebetter.Ifyou’refreetomorrow,thatwouldbebest,”hesays.
“Really!”Ishriek,myexcitementbringingmetomyfeet.Feelingawkwardto
bestanding,Ihastilysitbackdown.“That’ssogreat,thankyousomuch!You
have no idea how much I appreciate it!” I tellhim. This is such great news, I
can’tbelievehewoulddothisforme.
“It really is my pleasure, Tessa.” He raises his eyebrows with interest. “So,
shallItellhimyouwillcometomorrow?”
I really don’t want to miss any classes, but this is worth it and I am ahead
anyway.“Yes,thatwillbegreat.Thankyouagain.Wow,”Isayandhelaughs.
“Nowforthesecondthing,andifyousayno,thatisperfectlyfine.Itismore
ofapersonalrequest,orfavor,Isuppose.YourinternshipatVancewillnotbe
affectedinanywayifyoudecline,”hesaysandIgrownervous.Inodandhe
continues. “I am not sure if Hardin has told you that Karen and I are to be
marriednextweekend.”
“Iknewtheweddingwascomingup.Oh,andcongratulations,”Itellhim. I
didn’tknowitwasthatclose.MythoughtstraveltowhenHardincrashedtheir
homeanddrankalmostanentirebottleofscotch.
Hesmileskindly.“Thankyouverymuch.WhatIwaswonderingwasifthere
isanyway...thatyoucouldpossibly...convinceHardintocome.”Hiseyes
leavemineandhestaresatthewall.“Iknowthisisoversteppingmyboundaries
here,butIwouldhateforhimnottobethere.Andhonestly,Ibelieveyouarethe
onlyonewhocouldconvincehimtoshowup.Ihaveaskedhimafewtimesand
hesaidnoimmediately.”Heletsoutafrustratedbreath.
Ihavenoideawhattosaytohim.IwouldlovetogetHardintohisfathers
wedding,butIdoubthewilllistentome.Whydoeseveryoneseemtothinkhe
will?IrememberwhenKentoldmehebelievesHardinisinlovewithme—a
thoughtthat’sasabsurdasitisuntrue.
“Iwillcertainlytalktohim.Iwouldloveifhewent,”Itellhiminallhonesty.
“Really? Thank you so much, Tessa. I hope you don’tfeel pressured to say
yes,thoughIlookforwardhopefullytoseeingyouboththere.”
AweddingwithHardin?Theideasoundssolovely,butHardinwillbehardto
convince.
“Karen is very fond of you, and she really enjoyed having you over this
weekend.You’rewelcomeanytime.”
“Ireallyenjoyedbeingthere.MaybeIcangetintouchwithheraboutthose
bakinglessonssheoffered.”Ilaughandhechuckles,too.Helookssomuchlike
Hardin when he smiles that it makes my heart warm. Hardin’s father is so
desperate to have a relationship with his angry, broken son that it makes my
heartacheforhim.IfIcandoanythingtohelpKen,Icertainlywill.
“Shewouldlovethat!Comebyanytime,”hebooms,andIstandup.
“Thank you again for helping me with the internship. It means so much to
me.”
“I have looked over your application and transcript, and they are very
impressive.Hardincouldlearnalotfromyou,”hesayswithhopeinhisgreen
eyes.
IfeelmycheeksheatupasIsmileandsaygoodbye.BythetimeIgetback
across campus to the Literature building, I have only five minutes until class
begins.HardinoccupieshisoldseatandIcan’thelpthesmileonmyface.
“Youheldupyourendofthedeal;sodidI,”hesaysandsmilesback.Igreet
Landonandtakemyseatbetweenthem.
“Whywereyousolate?”Hardinwhispersastheprofessorbeginsclass.
“I’lltellyouafterclass.”IknowifIbringthisupnow,hewillcauseascene
inthemiddleofclass.
“Tellme.”
“IsaidI’lltellyouafterclass.It’snobigdeal,”Ipromisehim.Hesighsbut
letsitgo.
Whenclassends,HardinandLandonbothstandupandIamnotsurewhich
onetotalkto.IusuallytalktoLandonafterclassandwewalkouttogether,but
nowthatHardinisback,I’munsure.
“Are you still coming to the bonfire with Dakota and me on Friday? I was
thinkingyoushouldcomeoverfordinnerfirst.Iknowmymomwouldloveit,”
LandonsaysbeforeHardincanspeak.
“Yeah,ofcourseIamstillcoming.Dinnersoundsgreat;justletmeknowthe
detailsandI’llbethere.”Ican’twaittomeetDakota.ShemakesLandonhappy
andforthatIalreadyloveher.
“I’lltextyou,”hesaysandwalksaway.
“I’lltextyou,”HardinmocksandIrollmyeyes.
“Don’tmakefunofhim,”Iwarn.
“Ohyeah,Iforgothowangryyouget.Irecallyoualmostjumpingoverthat
boothatMollywhenshedid.”HelaughsandIgivehisshoulderashove.
“Imeanit,Hardin,leavehimalone,”Isay,thenadd,“Please,”tosoftenthe
mood.
“He’s living with my dad. I have earned the right to make fun of him.” He
smilesatmeandIlaugh.Aswewalkoutofthebuilding,Idecideit’snowor
never.
“Speakingofyourdad...”IlookoverandfindHardinhasalreadytensedup.
HiseyesareleeryastheywaitforwhatI’llsaynext.“That’swhereIwastoday.
Inhisoffice.HesetupaninterviewatVanceformetomorrow.Isn’tthatgreat?”
“Hewhat?”hescoffs.
Herewego.
“Hesetupaninterviewforme.It’sagreatopportunity,Hardin.”Ipleadfor
hisunderstanding.
“Fine,”hesighs.
“There’smore.”
“Ofcoursethereis...”
“Heinvitedmetotheweddingnextweekend...well,us.Heinvitedustothe
wedding.”Ibarelymanagetogetitoutfortheglarehe’sgivingme.
“No,notgoing.Endofdiscussion.”Heturnstowalkawayfromme.
“Wait,justhearmeout.Please?”Ireachforhiswristbuthejerksaway.
“No.Youreallyneedtostayoutofthis,Tessa.Iamnotkidding.Mindyour
owndamnbusinessforonce,”hesnaps.
“Hardin...”Isayoncemore,butheignoresme.
Hewalksoffintotheparkinglot.Myfeethavebecomecement,keepingme
fromfollowingafterhim.Iwatchashiswhitecarpeelsoutoftheparkinglot.
He is overreacting, and I amnot going to feed into it. He needs some time to
cooloffbeforewespeakagain.Iknewhewouldn’twanttogo,butIhadhoped
hewouldatleastdiscussit.
WhoamIkidding?We only startedthis“more”thingtwodaysago.Idon’t
knowwhy I keepexpecting thingsto be somuch different.Theyare, insome
ways:Hardinisnicertomemostly,andhekissedmeinpublic,whichwasreally
surprising. However, Hardin is still essentially Hardin, and he is stubborn and
has an attitude problem. Sighing, I hook my bag over my shoulder and walk
backtomyroom.
Stephis sitting cross-leggedon thefloor staring upat hertelevision when I
enterthe room.“Where were you last night? It’s not like you to stay outon a
schoolnight,younglady,”sheteasesandIrollmyeyesplayfully.
“I...wasout,”Itellher.Idon’tknowifIshouldtellherthatIstayedwith
Hardin.
“WithHardin,”sheaddsforme,andIlookaway.“Iknowyouwere;heasked
meforyournumber,thenheleftthebowlingalleyandnevercameback.”Her
smileismassiveandfullofgleeforme.
“Don’ttellanyone.Idon’texactlyknowwhatisgoingonmyself,”Isay.
Stephpromises to staymute, andwe spendthe rest ofthe afternoontalking
aboutherandTristanbeforehearrivestopickheruptotakehertodinner.He
kissesherassoonassheopensthedoor,holdsherhandwhileshegathersher
things,andsmilesathertheentiretime.Whycan’tHardinbethatwaywithme?
Ihaven’theardanythingfromHardininafewhours,butIdon’twanttobe
theonetotexthimfirst.Petty,Iknow,butIdon’tcare.WhenStephandTristan
leave,Ifinishupmystudyingandhavegatheredmythingstogotakeashower
whenmyphonebuzzes.MyheartleapsassoonasIseeHardin’sname.
Staywithmetonight?thetextreads.Hehasn’tspokentomeinhoursbuthewants
metostaywithhim?Again?
Why?Soyoucanbeajerktome?Irespond.Iwanttoseehim,butI’mstillannoyed.
I’m on my way, be ready. I roll my eyes at his bossy tone but can’t help but feel
excitedtoseehim.
Irushdownand take a showersoIdon’thavetotakeoneathis frat house
again.BythetimeIfinish,Ibarelyhaveenoughtimetogathermyclothesfor
tomorrow.IdreadtakingthebusallthewaytoVance,whenit’sonlyathirty-
minutedrive,soIrenewmyresolvetogocarshoppingagain.Iamfoldingmy
clothesneatlyintomybagwhenHardinopensthedoor—withoutknocking,of
course.
“Ready?”heasksandgrabsmypurseoffthedresser.Inodandputmybag
overmyshoulderandfollowhimout.Wewalktohiscarinsilence,andIfind
myselfrepeatingasmallprayerthattherestofthenightdoesn’tgothisway.
chapterfifty-six
Istareoutthepassengerwindow,notwantingtospeakfirst.Afteracoupleof
blocks,Hardinturnstheradioonandthenturnsituptooloud.Irollmyeyesbut
trytoignoreit—untilIcan’t.Ihatehistasteinmusicanditgivesmeaninstant
headache.Withoutasking,IturntheknobdownandHardinlooksoveratme.
“What?”Isnap.
“Whoa,someoneisinapissymood,”hesays.
“No,Ijustdidn’twanttolistentothat,andifanyoneisinabadmood,itis
you.Youwerebeingrudeearlier,thenyoutextmeandaskmetostay;Idon’t
getit.”
“Iwaspissedbecauseyoubroughtupthewedding.Nowthatit’ssettledthat
wearen’tgoingthereisnoneedformetobepissed.”Histoneiscalmandsure.
“Itisnotsettled—wedidn’teventalkaboutit.”
“Yes,wedid.ItoldyouI’mnotgoing,sodropit,Theresa.”
“Well, you may not be going but I am. And I am going over to your dad’s
housetolearntobakewithKarenthisweek,”Itellhim.
Heclencheshisjawandglaresatme.“You’renotgoingtothewedding,and
what—areyouandKarenlikebestfriendsnow?Youbarelyevenknowher.”
“SowhatifIbarelyknowher?Ibarelyknowyou,”Itellhim.Hisfacefalls,
andIfeelbad,butitistrue.
“Whyareyoubeingsodifficult?”hesaysthroughgrittedteeth.
“Becauseyouaren’tgoingtotellmewhattodo,Hardin.It’snothappening.If
Iwanttogotothewedding,Iwill,andIreallywouldlikeyoutocomewithme.
Itcould be fun—youmay even have a nice time. It would mean a lot to your
fatherandKaren,notthatyoucareaboutthat.”
He doesn’tsay anything. He lets out a largebreath andI stare backout the
window.Therestoftherideisspentinsilence,bothofustooangrytospeak.
When we pull up to the fraternity house, Hardin grabs my bag out of the
backseatandputsitoverhisshoulder.
“Whyareyoupartofafrat,anyway?”Iaskhim.Ihavebeenwantingtoknow
theanswersinceIdiscoveredhisroomthefirsttime.
Hetakesadeepbreathaswewalkupthesteps.“Because,bythetimeIagreed
tocomehere,thedormswerefull—andIsureashellwasn’tgoingtolivewith
myfather—sothiswasoneofthefewoptionsIhad.”
“Butwhystayinit?”
“Because I don’t want to live with my father, Tessa. Besides, look at this
house;it’snice,andIdidgetthebiggestroom.”Hesmirksalittle,andI’mglad
toseehisangerisdyingdown.
“Imean,whydon’tyouliveoffcampus?”Iaskhimandheshrugs.Maybehe
doesn’twanttohavetogetajob.
Ifollowhimquietlyuptohisroomandwaitasheunlocksthedoor.Whatisit
withhimandhisobsessionovernoonegoingintohisroom?
“Why won’t you let anyone in your room?” I ask and he rolls his eyes. He
putsmybagdownonthefloor.
“Whydoyoualwaysasksomanyquestions?”hegroansandsitsonthechair.
“Idon’tknow,whywon’tyouanswerthem?”Iask,butofcourseheignores
me.“CanIhangupmyoutfitfortomorrow?Idon’twantittogettoowrinkled
frombeinginmybag.”
Heseemstothinkaboutitforasecondbeforehenodsandstandstoretrievea
hanger from his closet. I grab the skirt and blouse out and put them on the
hanger,ignoringhissourexpressionatmyclothing.
“IhavetogetupearlierthanusualtomorrowsoIcanbeatthebusstationby
eightforty-five;thestopthreestreetsoverisontheroutethatgetsmetwoblocks
awayfromVance,”Iinformhim.
“What?You’regoingtheretomorrow?Whydidn’tyoutellme?”
“Idid...youweretoobusysulkingtopayattention,”Ifireback.
“Iwilldriveyouthere;youdon’tneedtotake,what’sit,likeanhour-longbus
ride.”
IwanttodeclinehisofferjusttoannoyhimbutIdecideagainstit.Hardin’s
carisamuchbetterwaytogettherethanacrowdedbus.
“Iamgoingtogetacarsoon;Ican’tlastanylongerwithoutone.IfIgetthe
internship,Iwouldhavetotakethebustherethreedaysaweek.”
“Iwoulddriveyou,”hesays,hisvoicealmostawhisper.
“I’lljustgetmyowncar,”Itellhim.“ThelastthingIneedisforyoutobe
madatmeandnotpickmeup.”
“Iwouldneverdothat.”Histoneisserious.
“Yeah, you would. Then I would be stuck trying to find a bus route. No,
thanks,”Ihalf-joke.IhonestlyfeellikeIcoulddependonhim,butIdon’twant
totakeanychances.Heisjusttoomoody.
Hardinturnsonthetelevisionandstandsuptochangehisclothes,soIhome
in on what he’s doing. No matter how annoyed with him I am, I would never
turndownachancetowatchhimundress.Hisshirtispulledoverhisheadfirst,
thenIwatchhismusclescontractunderhisskinasheunbuttonsandpullsdown
histightblackjeans.JustasIthinkheisgoingtowearonlyboxers,hepullsa
pairofthincottonpantsoutofhisdresserandputsthemon.Hestaysshirtless,
luckyforme.
“Here,”hemumblesandhandsmetheshirthejustremoved.Ican’thelpthe
smileonmyfaceasItakeitinmyhands.Thismustbeourthingnow;hemust
likemewearinghisshirttobedasmuchasIlovethesmellofhimonthefabric.
HardinfocusesonthetelevisionasIfollowhisleadandchangeintohisshirtand
a pair of yoga pants. The pants are more like spandex leggings, but they are
comfortable.AfterIfoldupmybraandclothesHardinfinallylooksatmeagain.
Heclearshisthroatandhiseyesrakemybody.
“Those...um...arereallysexy.”
Iflush.“Thanks.”
“Muchbetterthanyourfuzzycloudpants,”heteases,andIlaughwhiletaking
aseatonthefloor.Ifeeloddlycomfortableinhisroom.Maybeit’sthebooks,or
Hardin,Iamnotsure.
“Did you mean it in the car when you said you barely know me?” he asks
quietly.Hisquestionisveryunexpected.
“Sortof.Youaren’ttheeasiestpersontogettoknow.”
“IfeellikeIknowyou,”hesays,hiseyeslockedontomine.
“Yeah,becauseIletyou.Itellyouthingsaboutmyself.”
“Itellyouthings,too.Itmaynotseemthatway,butyouknowmebetterthan
anyoneelsedoes.”Helooksdownatthefloor,thenbackintomyeyes.Helooks
sadandvulnerable,suchadifferencefromhisusualangryintensity,butequally
ascaptivating.
Iamnotsurewhattosaytohisconfession;IfeellikeIdoknowHardinona
verypersonallevel, like somehowwe connect muchdeeperthan justknowing
minuscule bits of information about each other, but it doesn’t feel like nearly
enough.Ineedtoknowmore.
“You know me better than anyone, too,” I tell him. He knows me, the real
Tessa. Not the Tessa that I have to pretend to be around my mother, or even
Noah.IhavetoldHardinthingsaboutmyfatherleaving,mymotherscriticism,
andmyfearsthatInevertoldanyoneelse.Hardinseemsverypleasedwiththis
information;a smile covers his beautiful face as he stands from the chair and
movesovertome.Hetakesmyhandsintohisandpullsmeup.
“Whatdoyouwanttoknow,Tessa?”heasks,andmyheartwarms.Hardinis
finallywillingtotellmemoreabouthimself.Iamthismuchclosertofiguring
outthiscomplicatedandangry,yetsometimeslovely,man.
HardinandIbothliebackonthebed,eyesontheceilingasIaskhimatleast
ahundredquestions.Hetalksabouttheplacehegrewup,Hampstead,andhow
niceitwaslivingthere.Hetalksaboutthescaronhiskneefromthefirsttimehe
learnedtoridea bike withnotrainingwheels, and howhismotherpassed out
fromtheblood.Hisfatherwasatthebarthatday—alldaylong—sohismother
wastheonewhotaughthim.Hetellsmeaboutgradeschoolandhowhespent
mostofhistimereading.Hewasneververysocial,andashegotolder,hisdad
drankmoreandmoreandhisparentsfoughtmoreandmore.Hetellsmeabout
howhegotkickedoutofsecondaryschoolforfightingbuthismotherbegged
them to let him back. He began getting tattoos at sixteen; his friend would do
theminhisbasement.Hisfirsttattoowasastar,andoncehegotonehewanted
more and more. He tells me he doesn’t have a specific reason why he hasn’t
tattooedhisback;hejusthasn’tgottenaroundtoityet.Hehatesbirds,despite
thetwoinkedabovehiscollarbones,andlovesclassiccars.Thebestdayofhis
lifewaswhenhelearnedtodrive,andtheworstwaswhenhisparentsdivorced.
Hisfatherstoppeddrinkingwhenhewasfourteenandhasbeentryingtomake
upforalltheterribleyears,butHardinisn’thavingit.
MyheadisswimmingwithallofthisnewinformationandIfeellikeIfinally
understandhim. There are still manymore things I would loveto know about
him, but he falls asleep while telling me about the playhouse made from
cardboardboxesthatheandhismotherandherfriendmadewhenhewaseight.
AsIwatchhimsleep,heappearssomuchyoungernowthatIknow abouthis
childhood, which seems like it was mostly happy until his fathers alcoholism
poisonedit,creatingtheangryHardinoftoday.Ileanoverandgivetheproud
rebelakissonhischeekbeforecrawlingintobedtosleep,too.
Idon’twanttowakehim,soIpullthecomfortersidewaystocovermyselfup.
That night, my dreams are clouded by a curly-haired little boy falling off a
bicycle.
“STOP!”
IjoltawakeatthepainedsoundofHardin’svoice.Ilookaroundforhim,then
peeroverthebedtoseehisbodyjerkingonthefloor.Ihurryoutofthebedto
getdowntohimandgentlyshakehisshoulderstotrytowakehim.Iremember
howdifficultitwasthelasttime,soIleandownonhimandwrapmysmallarms
aroundhisshouldersashetriestothrashawayfromme.Awhimperescapeshis
perfectlipsandthenhiseyesshootopen.
“Tess,” he gasps and wraps his arms around me. He is panting, sweating. I
shouldhaveaskedhimaboutthenightmares,butIdidn’twanttobegreedy;he
toldmemuch,muchmorethanIhadexpectedhimto.
“I’mhere,I’mhere,”Isaytocomforthim.Ipullhisarm,gesturingforhimto
getupandcometobed.Whenhiseyesmeetmine,theconfusionandfearslowly
fadeoutofthem.
“Ithoughtyouleft,”hewhispers.Weliedownandhepullsmeasclosetohim
as possible. I run my fingers through his damp and unruly hair, and his eyes
flutterclosed.
Idon’tsayanything.Ijustcontinuetorubhisscalptocalmhim.
“Don’teverleaveme,Tess,”hewhispersandfallsbackintosleep.Myheart
nearlyexplodesat hisplea,and Iknowthat as longas hewantsme here, I’m
here.
chapterfifty-seven
ThenextmorningIwakeupbeforeHardinandmanagetorollhimoffmeand
untangleourlegswithoutwakinghim.Thememoryofhimsayingmynamein
reliefandall the secretsabouthimself he disclosedmakesmy stomach flutter.
Hewassounguardedandopenlastnight,itmademecareforhimevenmore.
The depth of my feelings for him scares me and I feel like I can tell they’re
there, but I’m not really ready to face them yet. I get my curling iron and the
small bag of Steph’s makeup I borrowed, with her permission, of course, and
walkdowntothebathroom.
Thehallwayisempty,andnooneknocksonthedoorwhileIgetready.I’m
notasluckyasImakemywaybacktoHardin’sroom.Threeguyscomedown
thehallinmydirection,oneofthemLogan.
“Hey,Tessa!”hechirpsandflashesmehisperfectsmile.
“Hey,howareyou?”Ifeelawkwardwiththethreeofthemstaringatme.
“Good,justonourwayout.Areyoulikemovinginhereorsomething?”he
says,andlaughs.
“No,definitelynot.Just...um...visiting.”Ihavenocluewhattosay.The
tallguybendsdownandwhisperssomethingintoLogan’sear.Ican’tmakeout
whathesays,butIlookaway.“Well,Iwillseeyouguyslater,”Isay.
“Yeah,seeyoutonightattheparty,”Logansaysandwalksaway.
Whatparty?Whywouldn’tHardinmentionapartytome?Maybehedoesn’t
planonbeingthere?Ormaybehedoesn’twantyoutocome, mysubconscious
adds.WhothrowsapartyonaTuesday,anyway?
WhenIreachHardin’sdoor,itopensbeforeIreachthehandle.
“Wherewereyou?”hesaysandopensitwideenoughformetowalkin.
“Doingmyhair.Iwantedtoletyousleep,”Itellhim.
“Itoldyounottobewanderingthehalls,Tessa,”hescolds.
“AndItoldyounottobossmearound,Hardin,”Iaddsarcastically,andhis
featuressoften.
“Touché.”Helaughsandstepsclosertome.Heplacesoneofhishandsonthe
smallofmybackandputstheotherbeneathmyshirtandonmystomach.His
fingersareroughwithcallusesbutglidegentlyonmyskin,movinghigherand
higheronmystomach.
“However,youreallyshouldwearabra whenyou’reroamingthehallsofa
fraternityhouse,Theresa.”Hebringshismouthtomyearattheexactmoment
thathisfingersfindmybreasts.Herubsoverthesensitiveareawithhisthumbs,
makingthemhardenunderhistouch.Hesucksinasharpbreath,andIamfrozen
butmyheartisracing.“Youneverknowwhatkindofpervertsarelurkinginthe
halls,”hesayssoftlyintomyear.
Histhumbsswirlaroundmynipples,beforehepinchesthemlightly.Myhead
fallsto his chestand I amunable to controlmy moans ashis fingers continue
theirgentleassault.
“IbetIcouldmakeyoucomejustbydoingthis,”hesaysand appliesmore
pressure.
Ihadnoideathatthiscouldfeelthis...good.InodandHardinchuckles,his
mouthagainstmyear.“Doyouwantmetodothat?Makeyoucome?”heasks
andInodagain.Doesheevenhavetoask?Myheavybreathingandshakyknees
shouldgiveitaway.
“Good girl, now let’s move to the—” he begins when the alarm on my cell
phonegoesoff.
Isnap to attention. “Oh God! Wehave to leave in ten minutes, Hardin, and
you’renotevendressed.I’mnotevendressed!”
Ipullaway,butheshakeshisheadandpullsmebacktohim,thistimepulling
mypantsandpantiesdownmylegs.Hereachesoverandshutsmyphoneoff.
“Ionlyneedtwominutes;thatleaveseighttogetdressed.”Heliftsmeoffthe
floor,takingmeovertothebed.Hesitsmedownonit,kneelsinfrontofme,
andpullsmebymyanklestotheedge.“Spreadyourlegs,baby,”hecoos,andI
oblige.
I know this wasn’t on my schedule for this morning, but I can’t think of a
betterwaytostartmyday.Hislongfingertracesupmythighsandheholdsme
down with one hand. His head dips down and he licks up and down my core
oncebeforepuckeringhislipsandsucking.It’sthatspotagain,ohLord.Myhips
buckoffthebedandhepushesmebackdownandcontinuestoholdmedown.
Using his other hand, he inserts a finger into me, pumping faster than ever
before.Ican’tdecideifhishandsorhissuckingfeelsbetter,butthecombination
ismind-blowing.WithinsecondsIfeelthatburninthepitofmystomachandhe
pumpshisfingerfaster.
“I’mgoingtotrytwo,okay?”hesaysandImoaninapproval.Thefeelingis
strange and a little uncomfortable, like the first time he slipped his one finger
insideme,butwhenheplaceshislipsbackonmeandsucksagain,Iforgetabout
thesubtlepain.IwhimperasHardinremoveshismouthoncemore.
“Shit,you’resotight,baby.”Hiswordsalonearegoingtosendmeoverthe
edge.“Youokay?”heasks.
Igrabhimbyhiscurlsandpushhisfacedown.Hechucklesandthenattaches
hislips again.I moanhis nameand pullhis hairas Iexperience mystrongest
orgasmever.NotthatIhavehadmany,butthisonewasdefinitelythequickest
and strongest. Hardin places a small kiss on my hipbone before standing and
walkingtothecloset.Iliftmyheadandtrytocatchmybreath.Hewalksback
over and wipes me off with a T-shirt, which might be more embarrassing if I
werefullycoherent.
“I’ll be right back. I’m going to brush my teeth.” He smiles and exits the
room. I stand up and get myself dressed and check the time. We have three
minutes until we have to leave. When Hardin returns, he quickly gets dressed
andwe’regone.
“Doyouknowhowtogetthere?”Iaskashepullsoutofthedriveway.
“Yeah,myfathersbestmatefromuniversityisChristianVance,”hetellsme.
“I’vebeenthereacoupleoftimes.”
“Oh...wow.”IknewKenhadaconnectionthere,butIdidn’tknowtheCEO
washisbestfriend.
“Don’tworry,he’saniceguy.Abitofasquarebutnice;you’llfitrightin.”
Hissmileiscontagious.“Youlooklovely,bytheway.”
“Thankyou.Youseemtobeinagoodmoodthismorning,”Isayteasingly.
“Yeah,havingmyheadbetweenyourthighsthisearlyinthemorningseems
likeanomenforagoodday.”Helaughsandtakesmyhandinhis.
“Hardin!”Iscoldhim,butheonlylaughsoncemore.
The drive goes quickly, and in no time we’re pulling around back of a six-
storybuildingwithmirroredglasssidesandalargeVplacedonthefront.
“I’mnervous,”IadmitasIcheckmymakeupinthemirror.
“Don’t be; you will do fine. You are so smart, and he’ll see that,” Hardin
assuresme.
God,Ilovewhenheisnicelikethis.
“Thankyou,”Isayandleanacrosstokisshim.Itisasweetandsimplekiss.
“I’llbeinthecarwaitingforyou,”hesaysandkissesmeagain.
Theinsideofthebuildingisjustaselegantastheoutside.WhenIreachthe
frontdesk,Iamgivenadaypassandinstructedtogotothesixthfloor.Ireach
thedeskonthesixthfloorandgivetheyoungmanmyname.
Heflasheshisperfectwhitesmileatmebeforewalkingmetoalargeoffice
and saying, “Mr. Vance, Theresa Young is here,” to a middle-aged man with
lightpatchesoffacialhairIcanseethroughthedoorway.
Mr. Vance waves me in and walks toward me to shake my hand. His green
eyescanbeseenfromacrosstheroomandhissmileiscomfortingandrelaxes
meashetellsmetohaveaseat.
“It’sverynicetomeetyou,Theresa.Thankyouforcoming,”hesays.
“Tessa,callmeTessa.Thankyouforhavingme,”Isaywithasmile.
“So,Tessa,youareafreshmanEnglishmajor?”heasks.
“Yes,sir,”Isay,nodding.
“KenScottgaveyouagreatrecommendation,saysIwouldbemissingoutifI
didn’tgiveyouaninternship.”
“Ken is a very kind man,” I say and he nods, rubbing his beard with his
fingers.
HeasksmetotellhimwhatI’vebeenreadingoflateandwhoaremyfavorite
andleastfavoriteauthors,andtoexplainwhyIfeelthatway.Henodsandhmms
throughmyexplanation,andwhenIfinish,hesmiles.
“Well, Tessa, when can you begin? Ken says with your courses it’s easy
enoughtocondenseyourschedulesoyoucanbeheretwodaysaweekandtake
classesoncampustheotherthree,”hesaysandmymouthfallsopen.
“Really?”is all I can say.This is beyond my expectations. I had assumed I
wouldhavetotakenightclassesandcomehereduringtheday,ifIgottheoffer.
“Yes,andyouwillalsoreceivecredithourstowardyourdegreeforyourtime
spenthere.”
“Thankyousomuch.Thisissuchanamazingopportunity,thankyou,thank
youagain.”Ican’tbelievehowluckyIam.
“WewilldiscussyourpayMondaywhenyoustart.”
“Pay?”Ihadassumeditwouldbeanunpaidinternship.
“Yes,ofcourseyouwillbepaidforyourtime.”Hesmiles.
Ijustnod,afraidthatifIopenmymouthIwillthankhimforthethousandth
time.
IPRACTICALLYRUNtothecarandHardinclimbsoutasInearit.
“Well?”heasksandIsqueal.
“Igotit!It’spaidandIwillbeheretwodaysaweekandinschoolthreedays
—andIgetcollegecredit—andhewassonice—andyourdadiswonderfulfor
doingthisfor me—and youare,too, ofcourse.I am justsoexcited and I. . .
well...Iguessthat’sit.”Ilaughandhewrapshisarmsaroundme,squeezing
metightandliftingmeintotheair.
“I’msohappyforyou,”hesaysandIburymyfingersinhishair.
“Thankyou,”Isayandheputsmedown.“Really,thankyoufordrivingme
andwaitinginthecar.”
Heassuresmethatit’snoproblem,andaswebothclimbintothecarheasks,
“Whatdoyouwanttodofortherestoftheafternoon?”
“Gobacktoschool,ofcourse;wecanstillmakeittoLiterature.”
“Really?Ibetwecouldfindsomethingmuchmorefuntodo.”
“No,I’vealreadymissedtoomanyclassesthisweek;Idon’twanttomissany
more.I’mgoingtoLiterature,andsoshouldyou.”Ismile.
Herollshiseyesbutnodsinagreement.
WemakeitjustintimeforclassandIgushtoLandonabouttheinternship.He
congratulatesmeandgivesmeatighthug.Hardinrudelymakesgaggingnoises
behindusandIkickbackathisleg.
AfterclassHardinwalksoutwithLandonandmeaswediscussthedetailsof
thebonfirethisFriday.IagreetomeetLandonathishouseatfivefordinnerand
thenwe’llgotothebonfireatseven.Hardinstaysquietduringourdiscussion,
andIwonderifhe willaccompanyme.Hesaidatonepointhewouldgo,but
I’mprettysurethatwasonlytocompetewithZed.Landonsayshisgoodbyesas
wereachtheparkinglotandwalksoff,whistling.
“Scott!”someonecalls.WebothturnaroundtoseeNateandMollywalking
towardus. Great,Molly. She iswearing atank topand ared leatherskirt. It’s
only Tuesday and she’s already almost used up her skank quota for the week.
Sheshouldsavethatstufffortheweekends.
“Hey,”Hardinsaysandtakesastepawayfromme.
“Hey,Tessa,”Mollysaysinreturn.
I return her greeting and stand awkwardly as Hardin and Nate exchange
hellos.
“You’re ready, right?” Nate asks him, and it becomes clear that Hardin told
them to meet him here. I don’t know why I had assumed we would hang out
again; it’s not like we can spend every day together, but he could have said
something.
“Yeah, I’m ready,” Hardin tells them and looks at me. “See you around,
Tessa,”hecasuallysaysandwalksoffwiththem.Mollylooksbackatmewitha
smirk on her makeup-covered face as she climbs into the passenger seat of
Hardin’scarandNategetsinback.
AndIstandonthepavementandwonderwhatthehelljusthappened.
chapterfifty-eight
DuringmywalkbacktomyroomIrealizehowfoolishIhavebeen,expecting
Hardin to be different than before. I should have known better. I should have
knownthatthiswastoogoodtobetrue.HardinkissingmeinfrontofLandon,
Hardinbeingniceandwanting“more.”Hardintellingmeabouthischildhood.I
should have known that as soon as his friends came along he would go right
backtotheHardinthatupuntiltwoweeksagoIdespised.
“Hey,girl!Youcomingtonight?”StephasksasIwalkintoourroom.Tristan
issittingonherbedstaringatherintheadoringwayIwishHardinwouldstare
atme.
“No,I’mgoingtostudy,”Isay.It’snicetoknowthateveryonewasinvited,
yetHardindidn’tseefittoevenmentionthepartytome.Probablysohecould
hangoutwithMollywithoutanydistractions.
“Ohcomeon!Itwillbefun.Hardinwillbethere.”ShesmilesandIforceone
backtoher.
“Really,it’sokay.Ineedtocallmymotherandcatchupwithherandplanmy
assignmentsfornextweek.”
“Laaaame!” Steph teases and grabs her purse. “Suit yourself. I’ll be out all
night,soifyouneedanythingletmeknow,”shesaysandhugsmegoodbye.
Icallmymotherandtellheraboutmyinternship,andofcoursesheisbeyond
pleasedbymyamazingopportunity.IleaveHardinoutoftheexplanation,butI
do mention Ken, though I say he is Landon’s soon-to-be stepfather, which is
true.SheasksaboutNoahandme,butIdodgeherquestions.I’msurprisedand
gratefultofindthatNoahhasn’ttoldmymothereverything.Hedoesn’toweme
anything,butI’mthankfulforhisomission.Afterlisteningtohertalkforfartoo
longabouthernewcoworker,whoshebelievesishavinganaffairwithherboss,
IfinallytellherIreallyneedtostudyandIgetoffthephone.Immediately,my
mindgoesbacktoHardin,asalways.MylifewasmuchmoresimplebeforeI
metHardin, andnow after. . . it is complicated andstressful, andI ameither
extremelyhappyorthereisthisburninginmychestwhenIthinkofhimwith
Molly.
IwillgoinsaneifIjustsithere,andit’sonlysixo’clockbythetimeIgiveup
tryingtostudy.MaybeIshouldgoforawalk?Ireallyneedsomemorefriends.I
grabmyphoneandcallLandon.
“Hey,Tessa!”Hisvoiceisfriendlyandsoothessomeofmyanxiety.
“Hey,Landon,areyoubusy?”Iaskhim.
“No,justwatchingthegame.Why,issomethingwrong?”
“No,IwasjustwonderingifmaybeIcouldcomeoverandhangout ...or
maybeifyourmomdoesn’tmindIcouldtakeheruponthosebakinglessons.”I
letoutaweaklaugh.
“Yeah,ofcourse.Shewouldlovethat—I’llletherknowyou’recoming.”
“Okay, thenext bus isn’tfor thirty minutes, but Iwill be there as soonas I
can,”Itellhim.
“Bus?Ohyeah,Iforgotyouhaven’tfoundacar.Iwillcomegetyou.”
“No,really,it’sokay.Idon’tmind,Idon’twantyoutogooutofyourway.”
“Tessa,it’slessthantenmiles.I’llleavenow,”hesaysandIfinallyagree.
Igrabmypurseandcheckmyphoneonelasttime.OfcourseHardinhasn’t
textedorcalledme.IhatethewayIfeeldependentonhim,especiallywhenI
obviouslycan’tdependonhim.
Determinedtobeindependent,Iturnmyphoneoff.IfIleaveiton,Iwillgo
crazychecking it everyfew minutes.Figuring that Ireally shouldjust leave it
here,IputitinthetopdrawerofmydresserbeforeIgoouttowaitforLandon
topickmeup.
Minuteslaterhepullsupandhonkslightly.Ijumpoffthecurbinsurpriseand
webothlaughasIclimbintothecar.
“Mymotherisgoinginsaneinthekitchenrightnow,sobepreparedforavery
detailedbakinglesson,”hesays.
“Really?Ilovethedetails!”
“Iknowyoudo—we’realikethatway,”hesaysandturnsontheradio.
Ihearthefamiliarsoundofoneofmyfavoritesongs.“CanIturnthisup?”I
askandhenods.
“YouliketheFray?”heasksinasurprisedtone.
“Yes!They’remyfavoriteband—Ilovethem.Doyoulikethem?”
“Yes! Who doesn’t?” He laughs. I almost tell him Hardin doesn’t, but then
decideagainstit.
Whenwearriveatthehouse,Kengreetsusatthedoorwithafriendlysmile.I
hopehewasn’texpectingHardintobewithme,butseeingnodisappointmenton
hisface,Ismileback.
“Karenisinthekitchen;enteratyourownrisk,”hesaysmischievously.
Hewasn’tjoking.Karen hasthe entirelargeislandcovered in pans, mixing
bowls,andalotofotherthingsIdon’trecognize.
“Tessa! I’m just getting everything ready!” She’s beaming as she makes a
handgesturetohighlightallthestrangeequipment.
“IsthereanythingIcanhelpyouwith?”
“No,notatthemoment.Iamalmostfinished....There,I’mdone.”
“Ihopeitwasn’ttoolatenoticeformetocomeby,”Isay.
“Ohno,dear,youarealwayswelcomehere,”sheassuresmeandIcantellshe
meansit.
ShehandsmeanaprontowearandItiemyhairupintoabun.Landonsitson
the bench and talks to us for a few minutes while Karen shows me all the
ingredientsusedtomakecupcakesfromscratch.Ipourthemintothemixerand
turnitonlowspeed.
“I already feel like a professional baker.” I laugh and Landon leans across,
wipinghishandacrossmycheek.
“Sorry,youhavesomeflouronyourface.”HischeeksflushandIsmile.
Istartpouringmycupcakebatterintothebakingpan.Whenweputthemin
theovenandstarttalkingaboutschoolandhome,Landonleavesthe“girltalk”
andgoestotheotherroomtofinishwatchingafootballgamehe’srecorded.
Wegetlostinconversationwhileourcreationsbakeandcool,andwhenshe
saysit’stimetoicethecupcakes,Ilookatthemandamreallypleasedwiththe
waymineturnedout.KarenshowsmehowtousethepipingbagtomakeanL
on the top ofone of them, and I set it asidefor Landon. Karen expertly pipes
flowers and green blades of grass onto her cupcakes while I do the best I can
withmine.
“I think it’s cookies next time.” She smiles and places the cupcakes in a
servingcase.
“Soundsgoodtome,”Itellherandtakeabiteofoneofmycupcakes.
AsKarenadjuststhecaseofsweets,sheasks,“Andwhere’sHardintonight?”
Ichewmycakeslowly,tryingtodiscernamotivebehindherasking.“He’sat
hishouse,”Ianswersimply.Shefrownsslightlybutdoesn’tpushit.
Landon wanders back into the kitchen and Karen leaves the room to take a
fewcupcakestoKen.
“Is this cupcake for me?” Landon asks and holds up the cupcake with the
squigglyLwritteninicing.
“Yeah,Ihavetoworkonmypipingskills.”
Hetakesabigbite.“Theimportantpartisittastesgood,”hesayswithafull
mouth.Igiggleandhewipeshismouth.
IeatanothercupcakeandLandontalksaboutthegame,whichIdon’treally
careabout,buthe’snice,soIpretendtolisten.MymindtravelstoHardinagain
andIstareoutthewindow.
“Areyouokay?”Landonpullsmeoutofmythoughts.
“Yeah,I’msorry.Iwaspayingattention...atfirst.”Ismileapologetically.
“It’sallright.IsitHardin?”
“Yeah...how’dyouknow?”Iask.
“Whereishe?”
“Thefrat house.There’ssome partytonight .. .” I start, and then decide to
confideinhim.“Andhedidn’ttellmeaboutit.Hehadhisfriendsmeethimand
hejust said,‘See youaround, Tessa.’I feel like an idiot evenrepeating this,I
knowhowstupidIsound,butit’sdrivingmecrazy.ThatgirlMolly,heusedto
mess around with her all the time and she’s with him now, and he didn’t tell
themweare...whateverweare.”Iletoutaheavysigh.
“Aren’tyoutwosupposedtobedating?”Landonasks.
“Yeah...well,IthoughtsobutIdon’tknownow.”
“Whydon’tyoutrytotalktohim?Orgototheparty?”
Ijustlookathim.“Ican’tjustgototheparty.”
“Whynot?You’vebeentotheirpartiesbefore,andyouandHardinaresortof
dating,orwhateverthisis,andyourroommatewillbethere.IwouldgoifIwas
you.”
“Really?Stephdidinviteme...Idon’tknow.”
IwanttogojusttoseeifHardiniswithMollybutIfeelstupidjustshowing
upthere.
“Ithinkyoushould.”
“Willyoucomewithme?”Iask.
“Ohno,no.Sorry,Tessa.Wearefriendsbutno-ho-ho.”
Iknewhewouldn’tbutitwasworthasking.“IthinkIwillgo.Atleasttotalk
tohim.”
“Good.Justwipetheflouroffyourfacefirst.”
HelaughsandIgentlypushhisarm.Istayalittlewhilelongertohangout
withLandon;I don’twant him tothink I wasjust using himfor a roundabout
ridetotheparty,eventhoughIknowhedoesn’tthinkthat.
“GOODLUCK;CALLMEifyouneedme,”hesaysasIgetoutofthecarin
frontofthefrathouse.AfterhedrivesawayIthinkoftheironyofmyleaving
my phone in my room to avoid worrying about Hardin, and yet here I am
showingupathishouse.
A group of scantily clad girls are standing in the yard, causing me to look
downatmyoutfit:jeansandacardigan.Ibarelyhaveanymakeuponandmy
hairisinabunontopofmyhead.WhatthehellwasIthinkingcominghere?
Iswallowmyanxietyandwalkinside.Idon’tsee any familiarfacesexcept
Logan,who’sdoingabodyshotoffagirlwearingonlyabraandpanties.Iwalk
throughthekitchenandsomeonehandsmearedcupfullofalcohol,whichIput
to my lips. If I am going to confront Hardin, I need alcohol. I push my way
throughthecrowdedlivingroomtothecouchthattheirgroupusuallyhangsout
on.Betweenbodiesandovershoulders,Molly’spinkhaircomesintoview...
AndIfeelsickasInoticesheisn’tsittingonthecouch,butonHardin’slap.
His hand is on her thigh and she leans back against him, laughing among her
friendslikethisisthemostnormalthingintheworld.
HowdidIgetmyselfinthissituationwithHardin?Ishouldhavestayedaway
fromhim.IknewitthenandIamslappedinthefacewithitnow.Ishouldjust
leave.Idon’tbelonghere,andIdon’twanttocryinfrontofthesepeopleagain.
IamsickofcryingoverHardin,andIamdonetryingtomakehimsomethinghe
isn’t.EverytimeIthinkIfeelaslowasIcan,hedoessomethingelsethatmakes
merealizeIpreviouslyhadnoideaoftherealpainthatunrequitedfeelingscan
cause.IwatchasMollyputsherhandoverHardin’s;hemoveshisaway,onlyto
put it on her hip, giving her a playful squeeze and she giggles. I try to force
myself to move, to back up, to run, to crawl, to do anything to get me out of
here, but my eyes are locked on the boy I was falling for while his eyes are
lockedonher.
“Tessa!”someonecalls.Hardin’sheadsnapsupandhisgreeneyesmeetmine.
They are wide with shock, and Molly looks my way, then leans farther onto
Hardin.Hislipspartasifheisgoingtosaysomething,buthedoesn’t.
Zed appears at my side and I finally force my eyes from Hardin’s. I try to
muster a smile for him, but all of my energy is being used to prevent myself
fromburstingintotears.
“Do you want a drink?” Zed asks and I look down. I was holding a cup of
beer,wasn’tI?
At my feet is my cup, the beer spilled across the carpet. I take a step away
fromit;Inormallywouldcleanitupandapologize,butrightnowIwouldrather
justpretenditwasn’tmine.It’ssocrowdedinhere,nobodywillknow.
Ihavetwooptions:IcanrunoutofhereintearsandletHardinknowhegot
thebestofme,orIcanputonabravefaceandactlikeIdon’tcareabouthim
andthewayheisstillholdingMollyonhislap.
Idecidetogowithoptiontwo.
“Yes,please.I’dloveadrink,”Isay,myvoicestrained.
chapterfifty-nine
IfollowZedto thekitchen,mentallypsychingmyselfupsoI cangetthrough
thisparty.IwantedtogooverandcurseHardinout,tellhimtoneverspeakto
meagain,slaphimandripMolly’spinkhairoutofherhead.However,hewould
probablyjustsmirkthewholetime,soinsteadIdecidetogulpdowntheentire
cherryvodkasourthatZedmakesmeandaskforanother.Hardinhasruinedtoo
manyofmynights,andIrefusetobethatgirl.
Zed makes me another sour, but when I hold my cup out again a couple of
minuteslater,helaughsandholdsuphishands.“Whoa,slowdown,killer.You
alreadydranktwo!”
“Itjusttastesreallygood.”Ilaughandlicktheremainingcherryflavoroffmy
lips.
“Well,let’sjusttakeitslowonthisone,yeah?”
When I agree, he mixes me up another one and then says, “I think we are
abouttoplayanotherroundofTruthorDare.”
WhatiswiththeseguysandtheirannoyinggamesofTruthorDare?Ithought
peoplestoppedplayingthoseridiculousgameswhentheywereinhighschool.
The pain in my chest returns as my mind goes over all the things Hardin and
Mollymayhavealreadybeendaredtodotonight.
“WhatdidImissduringthelastround?”IaskhimwiththebestflirtysmileI
canmanage.Iprobablylookinsane,buthesmilesback,soitseemstowork.
“Justsomedrunkpeoplesuckingface,theusual.”Heshrugs.Thelumpinmy
throatrisesbutIswallowitbackdownwithmydrink.Igiveafakelaughand
continue to drink out of my cup as we make our way back to the others. Zed
takesaseatonthefloordiagonallyfromHardinandMolly’sspotonthecouch,
andIsitdownnexttohim,closerthanIusuallywould,butthat’sthepoint.Part
ofmehadassumedHardinwouldhavegottenMollyoffhislapbynow,buthe
hasn’t.SoIleaninalittlecloseryettoZed.
Hardin’seyesdrawtoslits,butIignorehim.Mollyisstillperchedonhislap
like the whore she is, and Steph gives me a sympathetic smile and glances
toward Hardin. The vodka is beginning to take its effect as Nate’s turn comes
around.
“Truthordare?”Stephasks.
“Truth,”heanswers,andsherollshereyes.
“Pussy.”Her colorful languageneverceasesto surprise me.“Okay.. . Isit
truethatyoupissedinTristan’sclosetlastweekend?”sheasksandtheyallstart
laughingexceptme.Ihavenocluewhattheyaretalkingabout.
“No! I already told you guys that wasn’t me!” he groans, making everyone
laughharder.Zedlooksoverandwinksatmeinthemiddleoftheuproar.
Ihadn’treallynoticedbefore,but,Geez,heishot.Reallyhot.
“Tessa, you playing?” Steph asks and I nod. I look up at Hardin, who is
staringatme.Ismileathim,thenlookbackatZed.ThefrownonHardin’sface
takesalittlepressureoffmychest.HeshouldfeelasterribleasIdo.
“Okay,truthordare?”Mollyasks.
Ofcourseshewouldbetheonetoaskme.
“Dare,”Ibravelysay.Godknowswhatshewillhavemedo.
“IdareyoutokissZed.”Afewgaspsandchucklesareheard.
“Wealreadyknowhowshefeelsaboutkissingpeople;picksomethingelse,”
Hardinsaysthroughhisteeth.
“Actually,it’sfine.”Hewantstoplay,wecanplay.
“Idon’tthink—”Hardinstartstosay.
“Shutup,Hardin,”Stephsaysandgivesmeanencouragingsmile.
I can’t believe I agreed to kiss Zed, even if he’s one of the most attractive
people I have ever seen. I have only really kissed Noah and Hardin; I figure
Johnny from elementary school doesn’t count, especially since he tasted like
glue.
“You sure?” Zed asks. He’s trying to act concerned but I can see the
excitementinhisperfectfeatures.
“Yeah, I am sure.” I take another drink, forcing myself not to look up at
Hardin,lestIchangemymind.Everyone’seyesareonusasZedlickshislips
and leans in to kiss me. His lips are cold from his drink and I can taste the
sweetness of the cherry juiceon his tongue. His lips are soft, yet hard against
mine, and his tongue moves expertly with mine. I feel the heat rising in my
stomach,notnearlyashotaswithHardin,butitfeelssogoodthatwhenZed’s
handsmovetomywaist,webothmoveuptoourknees—
“Okay...damn. Shesaidkiss,notfuckinfrontofeveryone,”Hardinsays
andMollytellshimtoshutup.
I let my eyes go over to Hardin, and he looks mad, beyond mad. But he
broughtthisuponhimself.
IpullawayfromZedandfeelmycheeksflushaseveryonestaresatus.Steph
givesmeathumbs-up,butIlookattheground.ZedlooksverypleasedandIfeel
embarrassedbutthrilledwithHardin’sreaction.
“Tessa,yourturntoaskTristan,”Zedsays.Tristanchoosesdare,soIgivehim
theleastcreativedareandhavehimtakeashot.
“Zed,truthordare?”Tristanasksashechaseshisshot.
I down the rest of my drink, and the more I drink, the more numb my
emotionsbecome.
“Dare,” Zed answers, and Steph whispers something in Tristan’s ear that
makeshimgrin.
“IdareyoutotakeTessaupstairsfortenminutes,”Tristansays,andIchoke
onmybreath.Thisistoomuch.
“That’sagoodone!”Mollysaysandlaughsatmyexpense.
ZedlooksatmeasifaskingmeifI’mokaywithit.Withoutthinking,Istand
upandgrabZed’shand.Helooksassurprisedaseveryoneelse,buthestandsup,
too.
“Thisisn’tpartofTruthorDare,thisis...um...well,it’sfuckingdumb,”
Hardinsays.
“Whydoesitmatter?Theyarebothsingleandit’sallingoodfun,sowhydo
youcare?”Mollyaskshim.
“I...Idon’tcare.Ijustthinkit’sstupid,”Hardinanswersandmychesthurts
again. He obviously had no plan to tell any of his friends that we are . . .
were . . . whateverwe were. He has been using me this entire time, I am just
anothergirltohimandIwasfoolish,beyondfoolish,tothinkotherwise.
“Well,goodthingit’snoneofyourbusiness,Hardin,”IsnapandpullZedby
thehand.
“Burn!”“Damn!”Ihearafewvoicessay,andHardinswearsatthemasZed
and I walk away. We find a random bedroom at the top of the stairs and Zed
pullsthedooropenandturnsthelighton.
NowthatIamawayfromHardin,Ibegintofeelmuchmorenervousbeing
alonewith Zed.No matterhow angryI am,I don’twant tomess aroundwith
Zed.Well,Iwouldn’tsayIdon’twantto,butIknowIshouldn’t.I’mnotthat
typeofgirl.
“Sowhatdoyouwanttodo?”Isqueak.
Hechucklesalittleandleadsmetothebed.OhLord.
“Let’sjusttalk,yeah?”hesaysandInodandlookdownatthefloor.“Notthat
Iwouldn’tlovetodomanyotherthingswithyou,butyou’reintoxicatedandI
don’twanttotakeadvantageofyou.”
Igasp.
“Surprised?”HebeamsandIlaugh.
“Alittle,”Iadmit.
“Why? I’m not a jerk, like Hardin,” he says and I look away again. “You
know,IthoughtyouandHardinhadsomethinggoingonforalittlebit.”
“No...wearejust...well,wewerefriends,butnotanymore.”Idon’twant
toadmithowstupidIwasforbelievingHardin’slies.
“Soareyoustillseeingyourboyfriendfromhighschool?”heasks.
RelievednottobetalkingaboutHardin,Irelaxandsay,“No,webrokeup.”
“Oh,that’stoobad.Hewasaluckyguy,”hesayswithasweetsmile.
Zedissocharming.Ifindmyselfstaringintohiscarameleyes;hiseyelashes
arefullerthanmine.“Thanks.”
“Maybe I could take you out sometime? On a proper date? Like, not into a
bedroomatafratparty,”hesays,thenchucklesnervously.
“Um...”Idon’tknowwhattosay.
“HowaboutIaskagaintomorrowwhenyou’resober?”Heismuchnicerthan
I thought he would be. Usually guys as attractive as him are jerks . . . like
Hardin.
“Deal.”
Hetakesmyhandagain.“Allrightthen!Let’sgobackdown.”
Whenwewalkbackdownstairs,HardinandMollyarestillonthecouch,but
HardinnowhasadrinkandMollyhasmovedsoherlegsaredrapedoverhim
fromtheside.WhenHardin’seyesdartdowntowheremyhandisintertwined
withZed’s,Ijerkawaywithoutthinking,butthengrabitagainquickly.Hardin
clencheshisjawandIlookawayintothecrowdofpartiers.
“Howwasit?”Mollysmirks.
“Fun,”IanswerandZedstaysquiet.Iwillthankhimlaterfornotcorrecting
me.
“It’sMolly’sturn,”Nateannouncesaswesitbackonthefloor.
“Truthordare?”Hardinasksher.
“Dare,ofcourse.”
AndHardinlooksrightintomyeyesandsays,“Idareyoutokissme.”
My heart stops, literally. It stops beating; he is a bigger asshole than I ever
imagined.Myears are swimmingandmyheart is poundingasMolly shoots a
boastfulglancemywaybeforeshelatchesherselftoHardin.AlltheangerIfeel
towardHardiniswashedawayandreplacedbyhurt,all-consuminghurtandthe
feelofhottearsonmyface.Ican’twatchanymore,Ijustcan’t.
Withinseconds,I’monmyfeetandpushingthroughthedrunkcrowd.Ihear
ZedandStephbothcallafterme,buttheroomfeelslikeit’sspinningandwhenI
closemyeyesallIcanseeisMollyandHardin.Knockingintopeopleandnot
lookingback,Ifinallyreachthedoorandthefreshairoutsidefillsmylungsand
bringsmebacktoreality.
Howcouldhebesocruel?Irundownthestairsonthesidewalk.Ihavetoget
away from here. I wish I had never met him, I wish I had had a different
roommate.IevenwishIhadnevercometoWCU.
“Tessa!” I hear and I turn around, convinced I am imagining it until I see
Hardinrunningafterme.
chaptersixty
Ihaveneverbeenveryathletic,butmyadrenalineisinfulleffectandIpushmy
legstogofaster.Ireachtheendofthestreet,butbegintotire.Wherethehellam
I going to go? I don’t remember the path that I walked back to my dorm last
time, and I stupidly left my phone in my room. To prove a point. About my
independencefromHardin.Hardin,who’schasingmeandyelling,“Tessa,stop!”
AndIdostop.Istopdeadinmytracks.WhyamIevenrunningfromhim?He
needstoexplainwhyhekeepsplayinggameswithme.
“WhatdidZedsaytoyou?”
What?WhenIturnaroundtofacehim,heisonlyafewfeetawayandhasa
shockedexpression;hedidn’tactuallyexpectIwouldstop.
What,Hardin!Whatcouldyoupossiblywantfromme?”Iscream.Myheart
ispoundingfromrunning,andfromhisbreakingit.
“I...”Heseemstobeatalossforwordsforonce.“DidZedsaysomethingto
you?”
“No...whywouldhe?”ItakeanotherstepforwardsoIamface-to-facewith
him,myangerrollingoffmeinwaves.
“I’m sorry, okay?” he says quietly. He looks into my eyes and reaches his
handouttotakemine,butIswatitaway.HeignoresmyquestionaboutZedbut
Iamtoomadtocare.
“You’resorry?You’resorry?”Irepeat,myvoicecomingoutinalaugh.
“Yeah,Iam.”
“Gotohell,Hardin.”Ibegintowalkaway,buthegrabsmyarmagain.My
angerboilsoverandmyhandfliesupandsmackshim,hard.Iamassurprised
bymyownviolenceasheis,andIalmostwanttoapologizeforhittinghim,but
thepainhehascausedmeissomuchmorethanacuffonthecheek.
Hishandmovestohisface,slowlyrubbingovertheredskinofhischeek.He
looksatme,angerandconfusionstirringbehindhiseyes.
“Whatthehellisyourproblem?YouweretheonekissingZed!”heyells.A
car passes and the driver stares but I ignore him. I don’t care about causing a
scenerightnow.
“You’renotseriouslytryingtoblameme!Youliedtomeandplayedmelikea
fool, Hardin! Just when I thought I could trust you, you humiliate me! If you
wantedtobewithMolly,whynotjusttellmetoleaveyoualone?No,instead,
youfeedmethatbullshitaboutwantingmoreandbegmetostaythenightwith
youjustsoyoucanuseme!Whatwasthepoint—whatdidyougetoutofit—oh,
besidesablowjob?”Iscream.Thewordtastesoddcomingoutofmymouth.
“What? You think that’s what I am doing? You think I’m using you?” he
shouts.
“No,that’snotwhatIthink,Hardin—that’swhatIknow.Butguesswhat?I’m
done,Iamsobeyonddone.IwillchangedormsifIhavetosoIdon’thaveto
seeyouagain!”Isay,andmeanit.Idon’tneedanyofthesepeoplemakingmy
lifeworse.
“You’reoverreacting,”hesaysflatly,andittakeseverythinginmenottoslap
himagain.
“I’moverreacting?Youdidn’ttellyourfriendsaboutus—youdidn’ttellme
aboutthisparty,andthenyouleftmestandingintheparkinglotlikeadumbass
whileyouleftwithMolly,ofallpeople!ThenIshowupheretofindMollyon
yourlap,andthenyoukissher.Rightinfrontofme,Hardin.I’dsaymyreaction
isquitejustified,”Isay,myvoicedrawingtoawhisperattheend,exhausted.I
wipefreshtearsfrommyfaceandblinkupatthenightsky.
“You kissed Zed right in front of me! And I didn’t tell you about the party
because I don’t have to! You wouldn’t have wanted to come anyway—you
wouldhavebeentoobusystudyingorwatchingthedamnpaintdry,”hebarks.
Ilookathisblurryformthroughmywateryeyesandaskhimsimply,“Sowhy
evenwasteyourtimewithme?Whyevenfollowmeouthere,Hardin?”When
hedoesn’tsayanything,Ihavemyanswer.“That’swhatIthought.Youthought
youcouldcomeouthereandsaysorryandIwouldacceptandstayasecret,your
boring little hidden girlfriend. You’re wrong; you took my kindness for
weaknessandyouweresadlymistaken.”
“Girlfriend?Youthoughtyouweremygirlfriend?”hehowls.
The pain in my chest is magnified by a thousand and I can barely stand.
“No...I,”Istarttosay.Idon’tknowwhattosay.
“Youdid,didn’tyou?”hesays,laughing.
“Youknow...Idid,”Iadmit.Iamalreadyhumiliated,soIhavenothingto
lose. “You fed me that bullshit about wanting more, and I believed you. I
believed all the shit you said to me, all the things you claimed to never tell
anyone, but I’m sure that was all bullshit, too. I’m sure none of that even
happened.”I shrug,giving upcompletely. “Butyou knowwhat? I’mnot even
madatyou;I’mmadatmyselfforbelievingit.IknewhowyouwerebeforeI
startedtofallforyou.Iknewyouwouldhurtme.Whatwereyourwords,You’ll
destroyme?No,ruin,you’llruinme.Well,congratulations,Hardin,youwon,”I
sob.
Painflashesinhiseyes...well,whatlookslikepain.Itisprobablyhumor.
Inolongercareaboutwinningorlosingorplayingtheseexhaustinggames.I
turnawayfromhimagainandbegintowalkbacktowardthehouse,figuringI’ll
findsomeone’sphonetousetocallLandonorsomehowgetaridebacktothe
dorms.
“Whereareyougoing?”heasks.Ithurtsthathedoesn’thaveanythingtosay,
that he has offered me no explanation. He has only confirmed what I already
knew,thatheisheartless.
I walk faster, ignoring him. He trails behind me, calling my name a couple
moretimes,butIrefusetoletmyselfbecharmedbyhisvoiceagain.
WhenIgetbacktothehouse’sfrontsteps,ofcourseIspotMolly’spinkhair
outside.“Aww,look,sheiswaitingforyou.Youtworeallyareperfectforeach
other,”IcallovermyshouldertoHardin.
“It’snotlikethatandyouknowit,”hegrumbles.
“Idon’tknowanything,obviously,”Isnapandclimbtwostepsatatime.
Zedappears inthe doorway, andI rushto hisside. “CanI useyour phone?
Please?”Ibegandhenods.
“Areyouokay?Itriedtogoafteryou,butyouwerelonggone,”hesaysandI
nod.
HardinstandsinfrontofZedandmewhileIcallLandonandaskhimtopick
meup.ZedandHardinstareateachotherforasecondwhentheyhearmesay
Landon’sname,thenZedlooksawayandbackdownatme.“Ishecoming?”he
asks,hisvoicefullofconcern.
“Yeah,hewillbehereinafewminutes.Thankyouforlettingmeuseyour
phone,”Itellhim,ignoringHardin.
“Noproblem.Doyouwantmetowaitwithyou?”heasks.
“No,Iwillwaitwithher,”Hardininjects,hisvoicefullofvenom.
“Iwouldloveitifyoucouldwaitwithme,Zed,”Isayandwalkbackdown
thesteps with him.Hardin, being theasshole thathe is, followsus and stands
behindusawkwardly.Steph,Tristan,andMollytrickledown,too.
“Areyouokay?”Stephasks.
“Yeah,” I say, nodding. “I’m leaving, though. I shouldn’t have even come
here.”
WhenStephhugsme,Mollymuttersunderherbreath,“Yougotthatright.”
Myheadsnapsaroundatthesoundofhervoice.Ihateconfrontationusually,
butIhateMollyevenmore.“You’reright!Ishouldn’tbehere.I’mnotasadept
asyouatgettingdrunkandhangingallovereveryguyintheplace.”
“Excuseme?”shesays.
“Youheardme.”
“What’s your problem? Mad that I kissed Hardin? Because, guess what,
sweetie,IkissHardinallthetime,”shebrags.
I feel the blood draining from my face. I look at Hardin, who doesn’t say
anything.Sohe’sbeenmessingwithMollytheentiretime?Thisdoesn’tsurprise
measmuchasitshould.Idon’tevenhaveacomebackforher.Itrytothinkof
somethingtosayback, anything really,butIcan’t.I’msureassoon as Iwalk
awayIwillthinkoftenreplies,butrightnowIhavenothing.
“Let’s go inside . . .” Tristan suggests and grabs Molly and Steph by their
arms.Itrytogivehimathankfulsmileastheystarttogo.
“Youtoo,Hardin.Getawayfromme,”Isayandstareatthestreet.
“Ihaven’tkissedher,Imeanlately.Exceptfortonight.Iswear,”hesays.
Whyishesayingthisinfrontofthem?
Mollyturnsaround.
“Idon’treallygiveashitwhoyoukiss.Nowgetawayfromme,”Irepeat.
AhugewaveofreliefwashesovermeasIseeLandon’scarpullup.“Thanks
again,”ItellZed.
“No problem, don’t forget what we talked about,” he says hopefully,
remindingmeofoursupposed“date.”
“Tessa...”HardincallsasIsteptowardthecar.WhenIignorehim,hecalls
louder.“Tessa!”
“Ihavesaideverything I havetosayto you, Hardin.Iamdone listening to
youandyourbullshit—nowleavemethefuckalone!”Iscream,turningaround
tofacehim.Iamawareeveryone’seyesareonus,butIhavehadenough.
“I...Tessa,I...”
“Youwhat?Youwhat,Hardin?”Iscreamevenlouder.
“I...Iloveyou!”heyells.
Andalltheairdisappearsfrommylungs.
AndMollysoundslikesheischoking.
AndStephlookslikeshehasseenaghost.
Andforafewmomentseveryonejuststandsthere,likesomethingalienhas
passedbyusandleftusfrozen.WhenatlastIcanspeak,Isayquietly,“You’re
sick,Hardin,you’rereallyfuckingsick.”
DespitethefactthatIknowthisispartofhisgame,itstillawakenssomething
insidemetohearthosewordscomeoffhislips.Igrabforthedoor handle on
Landon’scarbutIamyankedawaybyHardin.
“It’strue,Ido.Iknowyouwon’tbelieveme,butIdo.Iloveyou.”Hiseyes
brim with tears. His lips press in a hard line and he covers his face with his
hands.Hetakesastepback,thenanotherforward,andwhenhetakeshishands
away,hisgreeneyesappearsincere,fullofpanic.
Hardin...he’sabetteractorthanIthought.Ican’tbelieveheisdoingthisin
frontofeveryone.
Ishovehimbackwardandopenthecardoor,lockingitbeforeHardinregains
hisbalance.AsLandondrivesoff,Hardinbangshishandsagainstthewindow,
andIputmyhandsovermyfacesohedoesn’tseemecry.
chaptersixty-one
AfterIfinallystopsobbing,Landonquietlyasks,“DidIhearhimsaythathe
lovesyou?”
“Yeah...Idon’tknow...Hewasjusttryingtocauseasceneorsomething,”
Isay,andalmoststartcryingagain.
“Doyouthink...don’tgetmadatme...butdoyouthinkthatmaybehe
does?Youknow,loveyou?”
“What?Ofcoursenot.Iamnotevensureifheevenlikesme.Imean,when
we’realoneheissodifferent,andIthinkmaybehedoescareaboutme.ButI
knowhedoesn’tloveme.Heisn’tcapableoflovinganyoneotherthanhimself,”
Iexplain.
“I’monyourside,Tessa,Iam,”Landonreplies.“Butthelookonhisfaceas
we drove away, he looked heartbroken. And you can’t be heartbroken if you
aren’tinlove.”
Thatcan’tbe true.Ifeltmyheart shatter whenhekissedMolly, butIdon’t
lovehim.
“Doyoulovehim?”heaskssimply.
My voice comes out strained and my words too quick. “No. I don’t love
him...heis...well...he’sajerk.Ihaveknownhimlessthantwomonths,
andhalfofthat...actuallyallofthattimewe havespentfighting.Youcan’t
lovesomeoneyouonlymettwomonthsago.Besides,he’sajerk.”
“Youalreadysaidthat,”LandonsaysandInoticethehintofasmileonhis
lipsashetriestokeephisexpressionneutral.
I don’tlike the pressure that I feel in my chest as we talk about me loving
Hardin.Itmakesmefeelnauseousandthespaceinthecarfeelsmuchsmaller.I
roll down the window a crack and lean my head against it, feeling the little
streamofairslipacrossme.
“Doyouwanttocomebacktoourhouse,orgotoyourdorm?”heasks.
Iwanttogotomydormandcurlintoaballonmybed,butIamafraidthat
Steph or Hardin will show up. The chance of Hardin coming to his fathers
houseissoslim,thatseemstomethebetteroption.
“Yourhouse,butcanwegobymyroomsoIcangrabsomeclothes?I’msorry
foraskingyoutodrivemeallover.”
“Tessa,thedriveisshortandyou’remyfriend;stopthankingandapologizing
tome,”hesayssternly,buthissweetsmilemakesmelaugh.
HeisthebestpersonIhavemethereandIamsoluckytohavehim.
“Well,letmethankyouonelasttimeforbeingsuchagreatfriendtome,”I
say,andhefrownsplayfully.
“You’rewelcome.Nowlet’smoveon.”
I RUSH AROUND MY ROOM gathering my clothes and books. I feel like I
neverstayinmyroomanymore.ThiswillbethefirstnightindaysthatIwillbe
sleepingwithoutHardin.Iwasbeginningtogetusedtoit,howfoolishofme.I
grabmyphoneoutofmydrawerandwalkbacktoLandon’scar.
Whenwegettohishouseit’saftereleven.I’mexhausted,andthankfulthat
KenandKarenareasleepwhenwearrive.Landonputsapizzaintheovenforus
andIeatanotheroneofmycupcakesfromearlier.BakingwithKarenseemslike
weeksago,nothours.Ihavehadsuchalongday,anditstartedsowellwithmy
morningwithHardinandtheinternship,andthenheruinedit,justlikehealways
does.Afterweeatthepizza,LandonandIwalkupstairsandheshowsmetothe
guestroomthatIstayedinlasttime.Well,Ididn’tquitestayinthere,sinceIwas
woken up by a screaming Hardin. Time hasn’t made sense since I met him;
everythinghas happened so quickly, and itmakes me dizzy to thinkabout the
bettertimeswe’vehadandhowthey’respacedoutbetweenalotof arguing.I
thankLandonagainandherollshiseyesatmebeforeleavingmeandgoinginto
his room. I turn on my phone to find many texts from Hardin, Steph, and my
mother. I delete all but my mothers message without reading them. I already
knowwhattheywillsayandIhavehadenoughofittoday.Iturnmyringtone
andtextnotificationsoff,putmypajamason,andclimbintothebed.
It’soneinthemorning,andIhavetowakeupinafewhours.Tomorrowis
goingtobealongday.IfIhadn’tmissedmymorningclassestoday,Iwouldjust
stayhome, well, here.Or go backto my dorm.Why did Iconvince Hardinto
comebacktoLiterature?Aftertossingandturning,Irollovertocheckthetime:
almostthree.Despitethefactthattodayhasbeenoneofthebest,andthenworst,
daysofmylife,Iamtooexhaustedtoevensleep.
Before I realize what I’m doing, I’m standing in front of Hardin’s bedroom
door.AndthenIenterit.Withnoonearoundbutmyselftojudgeme,Iopenthe
seconddrawerandgrabawhiteT-shirt.Icantellthatithasneverbeenwornbut
Idon’tcare. I pull my own shirtoffand replace it. I lie down on thebed and
burymyheadinthepillow.Hardin’smintyscentfillsmynostrilsandIfinally
fallasleep.
chaptersixty-two
WhenIwakeup,ittakesmeamomenttorememberthatIamnotinbedwith
Hardin. The sun is peacefully shining through the bay window and as I look
over,Icatchsightofafigureandsitupquickly,orientingmyself.Asmyeyes
adjustIamconvincedthatIamgoingmad.
“Hardin?”Isayquietlyandwipemyeyes.
“Hey,” he says from where he sits in a wingback chair, his elbows on his
knees.
“Whatthehellareyoudoinghere?”Isnap.Myheartachesalready.
“Tessa,weneedtotalk,”hesays,thebagsunderhiseyesprominent.
“Haveyoujustbeenwatchingmesleep?”Iask.
“No,ofcoursenot.Icameinhereafewminutesago,”hesays.Iwonderifhe
hadnightmareswithoutmeinbedwithhim.IfIhadn’twitnessedthemmyself,I
wouldthink thosewere part of his gamesas well,but I remember holdinghis
sweatyfacebetweenmyhandsandseeingtherealfearinhisgreeneyes.
Istaysilent.Idon’twanttofightwithhim.Ijustwanthimtogoaway.Ihate
thatIdon’tactuallywanthimtogoawaybutknowthathehasto.
“Weneedtotalk,”herepeats.WhenIshakemyheadno,herunsbothhands
throughhishairandtakesadeepbreath.
“Ihavetogotoclass,”Itellhim.
“Landonalreadyleft.Iturnedyouralarmoff.It’selevenalready.”
“Youwhat!”
“YouwereuplateandIthoughtyou—”hebegins.
“Howdareyoueven...Justgo.”Thepainfromhisactionsyesterdayisstill
fresh,andactuallyovershadowstheangerIfeelatmissingmymorningclasses,
butIcan’tshowanyweaknessorhewillpounceonit.Healwaysdoes.
“You’reinmyroom,”hepointsout.
Iclimboutofthebed,notcaringifIamonlyinaT-shirt,hisT-shirt.“You’re
right.I’llgo,”Isay,thelumpinmythroatgrowingandtearsthreateningtospill
out.
“No,Imeant...Imeant:youareinmyroom...Why?”Hisvoiceisbleak.
“I don’t know . . . I just . . . I couldn’t sleep . . .” I admit. I need to stop
talking.“It’snotreallyyourroomanyway.I’vesleptherejustasmanytimesas
youhave.Actuallymorenow,”Ipointout.
“Yourownshirtdidn’tfit?”heasks,hiseyesfocusedonthewhiteshirt.Of
courseheismakingfunofme.
“Goahead,teaseme,”Isay,thetearspoolingatthebottomofmyeyes.He
makeseyecontactwithmebutIlookaway.
“Iwasn’tteasingyou.”Hestandsupfromthechairandtakesasteptoward
me.Ibackawayandraisemyhandstoblockhimandhestops.“Justhearme
out,okay?”
“Whatelse could you possibly haveto say, Hardin? We always do this. We
havethesamefightoverandover,onlyworseeachtime.Ican’tdoitanymore.I
can’t.”
“IsaidIwassorryforkissingher,”hesays.
“Thatisn’twhatthisisabout.Well,that’spartofit,butthereissomuchmore.
Thefact that youdon’tgetthatproves that weare wasting ourtime. You will
neverbewhoIneedyoutobe,andIamnotwhoyouwantmetobe.”Iwipemy
eyesashelooksoutthewindow.
“ButyouarewhoIwantyoutobe,”hesays.
IwishIcouldbelievehim.Iwishhewasn’tsoincapableoffeelings.
“You’renot,”isallIcansay.Ididn’twanttocryinfrontofhim,butIcan’t
seemto stop myself. I havecried somany times since I met him, andif I get
tangledbackintohisweb,thisishowitwillalwaysbe.
“I’mnotwhat?”
“Who I want you to be; you do nothing but hurt me.” I walk past him and
crossthehalltotheguestroom.Ihastilypullmypantsupmylegsandgather
mythings,Hardin’seyesfollowingmyeverymove.
“Didn’tyouhearwhatItoldyouyesterday?”hefinallysays.
Iwashopinghewouldn’tbringthisup.
“Answerme,”hesays.
“Yeah...Iheardyou,”Itellhim,avoidinglookinginhisdirection.
Hisvoicebecomeshostile.“Andyouhavenothingtosayaboutit?”
“No,”Ilie.Hestepsinfrontofme.“Move,”Ibeg.
HeisdangerouslyclosetomeandIknowwhatheisgoingtodoashemoves
intokissme.Itrytobackawayfromhim,buthisstronghandspullmecloser,
holdingmeinplace.Hislipstouchmine,andhistonguetriestopushthrough
mylipsbutIrefuse.
Heeaseshisheadbackslightly.“Kissmeback,Tess,”hedemands.
“No.”Ipushathischest.
“Tellmeyoudon’tfeelthesame,andIwillgo.”Hisfaceisinchesfrommine,
hisbreathhotonmyface.
“Idon’t.”Ithurtstosaythewordsbuthehastogo.
“Yes,youdo,”hesays,histonedesperate.“Iknowyoudo.”
“Idon’t,Hardin, andneither do you. You can’t possibly think that I bought
that?”
Heletsgoofme.“Youdon’tbelievethatIloveyou?”
“Ofcoursenot,howstupiddoyouthinkIam?”
Hestaresatmeforasecondbeforeheopenshismouthandclosesitagain.
“You’reright,”hesays.
“What?”
He shrugs. “You’re right, I don’t.I don’tlove you, Iwas just addingto the
dramaofthewholething.”Helaughslightly.Iknowhedidn’tmeanit,butthat
doesn’tmakehishonestyhurtanyless.Apartofme,alargerpartthanIwantto
accept,hopesthatheactuallydid.
HestandsagainstthewallasIwalkoutoftheroom,mybaginhand.
AsIreachthestairs,Karensmilesupatme.“Tessa,sweetheart,Ididn’tknow
you were here!” Her smile fades as she notices my distressed state. “Are you
okay?Didsomethinghappen?”
“No,I’mgood.IwaslockedoutofmyroomlastnightandI...”
“Karen,”Hardin’svoicesaysfrombehindme.
“Hardin!”Hersmileslightlyreturns.“Wouldyoutwolikesomethingtoeat,
somebreakfast?Well,lunch,it’snoon.”
“No,thankyou,Iwasjustgoingbacktothedorms,”ItellherasIdescend.
“Icouldeat,”Hardinsaysbehindme.
Sheseemssurprisedasshelooksatmeandthenbackathim.“Okay,great!I
willbeinthekitchen!”
Aftershedisappears,Iheadforthedoor.
“Whereareyougoing?”Hegrabsmywrist.Istruggleforasecondbeforehe
releasesit.
“Thedorms,likeIjustsaid.”
“You’rejustgoingtowalk?”
“Whatiswrongwithyou?Youactlikenothingishappening,likewehaven’t
just been fighting, like you haven’t done anything. You are seriously insane,
Hardin—I’mtalkingmentalinstitution,medicated,padded-wallsinsane.Yousay
horriblethingstomeandthentrytooffermearide?”Ican’tkeepupwithhim.
“Ididn’tsayanythinghorrible,actually;allIsaidwasthatIdon’tloveyou,
whichyouclaimyoualreadyknew.Andsecondly,Iwasn’tofferingyouaride.I
wassimplyaskingifyouweregoingtowalkback.”
Hissmugexpressionmakesmedizzy.Whywouldheevencomeheretofind
me if he doesn’t care about me? Doesn’t he have anything better to do than
tortureme?
“WhatdidIdo?”Ifinallyask.Ihavebeenwantingtoaskthisforawhile,but
I’vealwaysbeenafraidofhisanswer.
“What?”
“WhatdidIdotomakeyouhateme?”Iask,tryingtokeepmyvoicedownso
Karen doesn’t hear me. “You can have practically any girl you want and you
continuetowasteyourtime—andmine—tofindnewwaystohurtme.What’s
thepoint?Doyoudislikemethatmuch?”
“No,it’snotthat.Idon’tdislikeyou,Tessa.Youjustmadeyourselfaneasy
target—it’s all about the chase, right?” he says boastfully. Before he can say
anythingelse,Karencallshisnameandasksifhewantspicklesonhissandwich.
Hewalkstothekitchenandanswersher;Iwalkoutthedoor.
Onthewaytothebusstop,IfigurethatI’vealreadymissedsomanyclasses
latelyImightaswellmisstherestofthedayandgetacar.Luckily,thebuspulls
upminuteslaterandIfindaseatintheveryback.
As I slump down in the seat, I think back to what Landon said about
heartbreak,thatifyoudon’tlovetheperson,theycan’tbreakyourheart.Hardin
repeatedlybreaksmyheart,evenwhenIdon’tthinkthereareanymorepiecesto
break.
AndIlovehim.IloveHardin.
chaptersixty-three
Thesalesmanisacreepandsmellslikestalecigarettes,butIcan’tbepickyany
longer.Afteranhourofnegotiating,Iwritehimacheckforthedownpayment
andhegivesmethekeystoadecent2010Corolla.Thewhitepaintischippedin
afewplaces,butImanagedtotalkhimdownlowenoughthatIcanletitslide.I
callmymotherbeforeIdriveoutofthelottotellher,andofcourseshesaysI
shouldhavegottenabiggercarandliststhereasonswhy.Ienduppretendingto
loseserviceandshutmyphoneoff.
Itfeels amazing todrivemy owncar.I no longerhave to dependon public
transportationandnowI candrivemyselfto my internship.Ihope my cutting
tieswithHardindoesn’taffectit.Idon’tthinkitcan,butwhatifheisboredwith
justsimplymakingmecryanddoessomethingtoruinit?MaybeIshouldtalkto
KenandtrytoexplainthatHardinandIarenolonger...dating?Hethinkswe
aredating,soI will havetocomeup with something besides“Yoursonis the
cruelestpersonintheworldandheistoxictomesoIcannolongerbearound
him.”
IturntheradioonandturnituplouderthanIusuallywould,butitdoeswhat
Ineeditto.ItdrownsoutmythoughtsandIfocusoneverylyrictoeverysong.I
ignorethefactthateverysongseemstoremindmeofHardin.
Before heading back to campus, I decide to go buy some more clothes. It’s
getting colder, so I need some more jeans, and besides, I’m growing tired of
wearingmylongskirtsallthetime.Iendupbuyingafewnewoutfitstowearto
Vance,someplainshirtsandcardigans,andacoupleofpairsofjeans.Theyare
tighterthanusualbuttheylookgoodonme.
Stephisn’tintheroomwhenIreturn,whichisgood.IreallythinkImayneed
to look into changing rooms. I do like Steph, but we can’t continue to live
togetherifHardinisaround.DependingonhowmuchIwillbemakingatmy
internship,Icouldgetmyownapartmentandliveoffcampus.Mymotherwould
loseitbutitisn’tuptoher.
Ifoldmynewclothesandputthemawaybeforegrabbingmytoiletrybagand
heading to the showers. When I return, Steph and Zed are sitting on her bed,
lookingathercomputer.
Great.
She looks up sleepily. “Hey, Tessa, did Hardin ever find you last night?”
WhenInod,sheasks,“Sodidyouworkitout?”
“No.Well,yeah,Iguess.Iamdonewithhim,”Itellher.Hereyesgowide;
shemusthaveassumedhewouldsinkhisclawsbackintome.
“Well, I for one am glad.” Zed smiles and Steph swats his arm. Her phone
beepsandshelooksdown.
“Tristanishere,wegottago.Wannacome?”sheasks.
“No,thanks.I’mgonnastayhere—butIdidgetacartoday!”Itellherandshe
squeals.
“Really! That’s awesome!” she says and I nod. “You’ll have to show me it
whenIgetback,”shesaysandtheyheadforthedoor.StephwalksoutbutZed
lingersinthedoorway.
“Tessa?”Hisvoiceisassmoothasvelvet.Ilookupandhesmilesatme.“Did
youthinkaboutourdate?”heasks,staringintomyeyes.
“I . . .” I am about to reject him, but why? He’s very attractive and seems
sweet. He didn’t take advantage of me when he easily could have. I know he
would be better company than Hardin; anyone would be, honestly. “Sure.” I
smile.
“Sureasinyouwillletmetakeyouout?”Hissmilegrows.
“Yeah,whynot?”Ireply.
“Tonight,then?”
“Yeah,tonightisgood.”Idon’tthinktonightisagoodidea,seeingasIhave
studyingtomakeupfor,butI’mstillaheadofthecoursedespitehavingmisseda
fewclassesthisweek.
“Awesome,I’llbehereatseven,yeah?”
“Okay.”
Hebringshislowerlipbetweenhisperfectteeth.“Seeyoutonight,beautiful,”
hesaysandIflush,wavinggoodbyeasheleavestheroom.
Itisfournow,soIhavethreehours.Iblow-drymyhairandcurltheends,and
tomysurpriseitlooksreallygood.Iapplylightmakeupandputononeofmy
newoutfits,apair ofdarkjeans,awhitetanktop,andalong browncardigan.
MynervesaregettingthebestofmeasIstareintothemirror.MaybeIshould
change?Iswitchtoabluetanktopandabutton-upshirt.Ican’tbelieveIam
goingonadatewithZed.I’vehadoneboyfriendinmyentirelife,andnowIam
going on a date with Zed after all this mess with Hardin. Maybe guys with
tattoosandpiercingsaremynewtype?
IpulloutmyoldcopyofPrideandPrejudiceandbegintoreadtopassthe
time.But my mind wanders, and thoughts of Noah continueto preoccupyme.
Should I call him? I reach for my phone and scroll through the names until I
reachhis.Istareatthescreen;myguiltandmycommonsensefightitoutuntilI
tossmyphonebackontomybed.
WHATSEEMSLIKEjustminuteslater,thereisaknockatthedoor.Iknowit
must be Zed because Hardin wouldn’t knock. He would rudely barge in and
throwmystuffallovertheplace.
WhenIopenthedoorIcan’thelpbutgape.Zedisdressedintightblackjeans,
whitesneakers,andaT-shirtwithacutoffjeanjacketoverit.Helookssohot.
“Youlookbeautiful,Tessa,”hesays,andthenhandsmeaflower.
Aflower?I’mbothsurprisedandflatteredbyZed’sthoughtfulgift.
“Thankyou.”Ismileandbringthewhitelilytomynose.
“Areyouready?”heaskspolitely.
“Yes,whereareyoutakingme?”Iaskhimaswewalkoutside.
“Ifiguredwe’djustgotodinnerandamovie,somethingcasual,nopressure.”
Hebeams.
Ireachforthepassengerdoorhandlebuthestopsme.“Allowme,”he says
withhumorinhisvoice.
“Oh.Thanks.”
I’mstillnervous,butZed’ssoniceitmakesiteasytostarttorelax.Whenwe
get into the car he keeps the radio off and makes small talk, asking about my
family and my plans after college. He tells me how he is going to WCU for
environmentalscience,whichsurprisesbutintriguesme.
We arrive at a casual café-style restaurant and sit out on the patio. After
orderingourmeals,wecontinuechattinguntilthefoodcomes.Zedeatsallofhis
foodandbeginstostealfriesoffmyplate.
I lift my fork menacingly. “If you take another fry, I’ll have to kill you,” I
tease.
He gives me a mock-innocent look and laughs with his tongue between his
teeth.Ifindmyselflaughingforwhatseemslikeages,anditfeelsgreat.
“Youhaveanadorablelaugh,”hesays,andIrollmyeyes.
Weendupgoingtoseeacheesycomedythatfailstoentertaineitherofus.
But that’s okay, because we entertain ourselveswith small jokes to each other
during the movie, and toward the end he puts his hand over mine. It’s not
uncomfortable,likeIhadassumedthatitwouldbe,butitdoesn’tfeelthesame
as when Hardin does it. And right then it occurs to me that I made it hours
without even thinking of Hardin, which is a refreshing change from him
consumingmythoughtseveryday,allday.
When Zed gets me back to campus, it’s almost eleven. I’m glad it’s
Wednesday—onlytwomoredaysuntiltheweekend,whenIcancatchuponmy
sleep.
HegetsoutofthecarandwalksovertomeasIadjustmypurseonmyhip.“I
hadareallynicetime;thankyouforagreeingtocomeoutwithme,”hesays.
“Ihadanicetime,too.”Ismile.
“Iwasthinking...rememberwhenyouaskedifIwasgoingtothebonfire?”
WhenInod,heasks,“DoyoumindifIcomealong?”
“Sure, that would be fine. I’ll be going with Landon and his girlfriend,
though.” I don’t recall Zed joining in on the group teasing Landon, but I just
wanttomakesureheknowsthatitisnotokay.
“That’sfine,heseemsnice,”hesaysandIsmile.
“Well, it’s settled, then. Meet you there?” I suggest. There is no way I am
takinghimtodinneratLandon’shouse.
“Soundsgood.Thanksagainfortonight.”Hetakesastepcloser.
Ishe going tokiss me? I start to panic. But instead he wraps his hand over
mine and brings it up to his mouth. Placing one single kiss on the top of my
hand,hislipsaresoftagainstmyhotskinandhisgestureisverysweet.
“Haveagoodnight,Tessa,”hesaysandgetsbackintohiscar.
Iletoutadeepbreath,relievedthathedidn’ttrytoreallykissme.He’scute,
andwasagoodkisserduringTruthorDare,butthetimingjustdoesn’tfeelright.
THENEXTMORNINGLandoniswaitingatthecoffeehouseformeandItell
himaboutZed.
Annoyingly,thefirstthinghesaysis“DoesHardinknowaboutthis?”
“No,andhedoesn’tneedto.It’snoneofhisbusiness.”Irealizemytonewasa
littletooharsh,soIadd,“I’msorry,it’sjustatouchysubject.”
“Obviously. Justbe careful,” he warns mesweetly and I promise himthat I
will.
The rest of the day zooms by and Landon doesn’t bring up Hardin or Zed
again.Finallyit’stimeforLiterature,andIholdmybreathasLandonandIwalk
into the room, where Hardin is sittingin his usualseat. My chestaches at the
sightofhim.Heglancesoveratmebutthenturnsbacktothefrontoftheroom.
“SoyouwentoutwithZedlastnight?”heasksasIsitdown.Iwaspraying
thathewouldn’ttalktome.
“That’snoneofyourconcern,”Ireplyquietly.
Heturnsinhisseatandbringshisfaceclosetomine.“Wordtravelsquicklyin
ourgroup,Tessa,rememberthat.”
Ishetryingtothreatentotellhisfriendsaboutallthethingswedidtogether?
Thethoughtmakesmybilerise.
Iturnawayfromhimandfocusmyattentiontotheprofessor,whoclearshis
throat and says, “Okay, everyone, let’s start where we left off yesterday
discussingWutheringHeights.”
My stomach drops. We aren’t supposed to be discussing Wuthering Heights
untilnextweek—thisiswhatIgetformissingclass.IfeelHardin’seyesonme.
Perhaps,likeme,heisthinkingaboutthefirsttimeIwasinhisbedroomandhe
caughtmereadinghiscopyofthenovel.
Our teacher paces before us, his hands clasped behind his back. “So, as we
know,CatherineandHeathcliffhadaverypassionaterelationship,theirpassion
beingsuchaforceinthenovelthatitruinedessentiallyeveryothercharacters
life in its wake. Some argue that they were terrible for each other, and some
argue that they should have married one another instead of fighting their love
from the beginning.” He pauses, looking out at all of us. “So, what do you
think?”heasks.
Usually, I would raise my hand immediately, proud to show off my expert
knowledgeonclassicnovels,butthisonehitstooclosetohome.
Avoicefromthebackoftheroomanswers,“Ithinktheywereterribleforone
another; they fought constantly and Catherine refused to admit her love for
Heathcliff. She married Edgar, even though she knew she was in love with
Heathclifftheentiretime.Iftheywouldhavejustbeentogetherinthebeginning,
everyonewouldhavebeenalotlessmiserable.”
Hardinlooks atme, andI feelmy cheeksheat up.“I thinkCatherine wasa
selfish, pompous bitch,” he lets out. Gasps fill the room and the professor
glowersatHardin,buthecontinues.“Sorry,but she thought she wastoogood
forHeathcliff—andmaybeshewas,butsheknewEdgarcouldnevercompareto
Heathcliffandyetshemarriedhimanyway.CatherineandHeathcliffwerejust
so similar that it was hard for them to get along, but if Catherine wasn’t so
stubborntheycouldhavelivedalongandhappylifetogether.”
IfeelfoolishasI,too,begintocompareHardinandmyselftothecharacters
inthenovel.ThedifferenceisthatHeathclifflovedCatherinetremendously,so
muchsothathesatbyidlyasshemarriedanothermanbeforehefinallymarried
someoneelse.Hardindoesnotlovemethatway—oratall—sohehasnorightto
comparehimselftoHeathcliff.
The entire class seems to be looking at me, waiting for my reply. They are
probablyhopingforanargumentlikelasttime,butIstayquiet.IknowHardinis
tryingtobaitme,andIwillnotfallforit.
chaptersixty-four
After class I say goodbye to Landon and walk straight to the professor to
explainmyabsences.Hecongratulatesmeonmyinternshipandexplainsthathe
rearrangedthesyllabusalittle.IkeepourconversationgoinguntilHardinexits
theroom.
Imakemywaybacktomyroom,whereIlayoutallmynotesandtextbooks
onmybed.ItrytostudybutfeelonedgewaitingforSteph,Hardin,oroneof
themanyotherpeoplewhoarealwaysinandoutofmyroom,toshowup.Ipack
mystudymaterialsintomybagandheadtomycar.Iwillfindaplacetostudy
offcampus,maybeacoffeeshop.
Drivingtowardtown,Ispyasmalllibraryonthecornerofabusystreet.Only
afewcarsareinthelot,soIpullin.Iwalkallthewaytothebackofthelibrary
andsitnexttothewindow,pullingallofmybooksandnotesoutsoIcangetto
work.Forthefirst time, I canstudyinpeace, no distractions.Thiswillbemy
newsanctuary,theperfectplacetostudy.
“MISS,WEARECLOSINGinfiveminutes,”anelderlylibrariancomesoverto
informme.
Closing?Lookingoutthewindow,Iseethatitisdarkout.Ididn’tevennotice
thesungoingdown.Iwassoengrossedinmybooks,hourspassedandIdidn’t
evennotice.Iwilldefinitelyhavetocomeheremoreoften.
“Oh,okay,thankyou,”Ireplyandpackupmythings.Checkingmyphone,I
seeanewtextfromZed.
Ijustwantedtotellyougoodnight,Ican’twaitforFriday.
Hereallyisverynice,soIreply,Thatisverysweet,thankyou.Iamlookingforwardtoit
too.
Backintheroom,Stephisstillgone,soIchangeintomypajamasandgrab
WutheringHeights.Ifallasleepquickly,dreamingofHeathcliffandthemoors.
WHENIWAKEUPONFRIDAY,IhaveatextmessagefromLandontellingme
thathewon’tbeoncampusatalltodaybecauseDakotaisarrivingearlierthan
he thought. Skipping Literature crosses my mind momentarily, but I decide
againstit.Ican’tletHardinruinanythingelseIlike.
Itakealittlemoretimetogetreadytodayandbraidthefrontofmyhairback
beforecurlingit.It’ssupposedtobewarm,soIwearapurplesleevelessfleece
jacketandjeans.When Igotothecoffeehousebeforeclass,Loganendsupin
frontofmeinline.BeforeIcanwalkawayunnoticed,heturnsaround.
“Hey,Tessa,”hesays.
“Hey,Logan.Howareyou?”Iaskpolitely.
“I’mgood,youcomingtonight?”
“Tothebonfire?”
“No,theparty.Thebonfireisgoingtobelame,italwaysis.”
“Ohwell,I’mgoingtothebonfire.”Ilaughlightlyandhechuckles.
“Well,ifyougetbored,youcanalwaysstopby,”hesaysandgrabshiscoffee.
Ithankhimashewalksaway,relievedthatHardin’sgroupseemsuninterested
inthebonfire,whichmeansIwon’thavetodealwithanyofthemtonight.
Whenit’stimeforLiterature,Iwalkrighttomyseatwithoutasingleglance
in Hardin’s direction. The discussion continues on Wuthering Heights, but
Hardin stays silent. As soon as we are dismissed, I gather my things and
practicallybolttothedoor.
“Tessa!”IhearHardincallbehindme,butIjustwalkfaster.WithoutLandon
hereIfeelmorevulnerable.WhenIreachthesidewalk,Ifeelalighttouchon
myarm.Iknowit’shimfromthewaymyskintingles.
“What!”Ishout.
Hetakesastepbackandholdsoutanotebook.“Youdroppedthis.”
Reliefanddisappointmentbattleinsideme.Iwishthisacheinmychestwould
goaway.Insteadofshrinking,itseemstogetlargereverymomentofeveryday.
I shouldn’t have admitted to myself that I love him—if I would have kept
ignoringthetruth,maybeitwouldhurtless.
“Oh,thanks,”Imumbleandgrabthenotebookfromhim.Hiseyescatchmine
andwejuststareatoneanotheruntilafterafewsecondsIrememberthatweare
standing on a crowded sidewalk and I look around at everyone passing by us.
Hardinshakeshishairoutandpushesitbackbeforeheturnsandwalksaway.
IHEADTOMYCARanddrivestraighttoLandon’s.Iwasn’tgoingtogountil
five;it’sonlythree,butIcan’tsitaloneinmyroom.Ireallyhavegonemental
sinceHardincameintomylife.
WhenIarrive,Karenanswersthedoorwithahugesmileandinvitesmein.
“It’s onlyme hereright now.Dakota and Landonare at thestore fetchinga
fewthingsforme,”shesaysasshebringsmeintothekitchen.
“That’sokay,sorryforcomingsoearly.”
“Oh,don’tbesorry. You can helpme cook!”She hands me a cuttingboard
and a few onions and potatoes to chop and we talk about the weather and the
upcomingwinter.
“Tessa,did youstill want tohelp meget the greenhouse going? It’sclimate
controlled,sowedon’thavetoworryaboutthewinter.”
“Yes,ofcourse!Iwouldloveto.”
“Great,maybetomorrow?NextweekendIwillbealittlebusy,”shejokes.
Herwedding.I’dalmostforgotten.Itry tosmilebackather. “Yeah,I’dsay
so.”IwishIcould’vegottenHardintoagreetogo,butitwasimpossiblethen
andit’sevenmoreimpossiblenow.
Karenputs the chicken in theoven and gathersplates and silverware so we
can set the table. “Is Hardin coming to dinner tonight?” she asks as we start
layingthingsout.She’sclearlytryingtosoundnonchalant,butIcanseeshe’sa
littlenervousaboutthequestion.
“No,hewon’tbecoming,”Itellherandlookdown.
Shestopswhatshe’sdoing.“Areyouguysokay?Idon’tmeantobenosy.”
“That’sallright.”Imightaswelltellher.“Idon’tthinkwe’reokay.”
“Oh,honey,I’msorrytohearthat.Youtworeallyhadsomething,Ithought.
But I know it’s really hard to be with someone who is afraid to show their
feelings.”
Thislineofconversationmakesmefeelalittleweird.Ican’teventalktomy
ownmotheraboutstufflikethis,butsomethingaboutKaren’sopennessmakes
memoreabletodiscussthissortofthing.“Whatdoyoumean?”
“Well, I don’t know Hardin as well as I wish I did, but I know he is very
closedoffemotionally.Kenusedtostayawakenightsworryingabouthim.He
hasalwaysbeenanunhappychild.”Hereyesgoglossy.“Hewouldn’teventell
hismomhelovedher.”
“What?”Isayagain.
“Hejustwon’tsayit.Iamnotsurewhy.Kencan’trecallasingletimewhen
Hardin said he loved either of them. It’s truly sad, not only for Ken, but for
Hardinaswell.”Sheblotshereyes.
Forsomeonewhorefusestotellanyone,evenhisownparents,thatheloves
them,hesurewasquicktousethewordsagainstmeinahatefulway.“Heis...
He’sverydifficulttounderstand,”isallIcanthinktosay.
“Yes,yes,heis.But,Tessa,Ihopeyou’llstillcomearoundevenifyoutwo
don’tworkthingsout.”
“Ofcourse,”Itellher.
PERHAPS SENSING MY MOOD, Karen switches to talk of the greenhouse
whilewewaitforthefoodtofinishcookingandthenputeverythingoutonthe
table.Midwaythroughasentence,Karenstopsandputsonawidesmile.Iturn
tofindLandonwalkingintothekitchenfollowedbyabeautifulgirlwithcurly
hair.Iknewshewouldbegorgeous,butsheisevenmoresothanIcouldhave
imagined.
“Hi, you must be Tessa,” she says even as Landon opens his mouth to
introduceus.Sheimmediatelycomesoverandhugsme,andIimmediatelylike
her.
“Dakota, I have heard so much about you—it’s nice to finally meet you!” I
say,andshesmiles.Landon’seyesfollowherasshewalkspastandhugsKaren,
thentakesaseatatthecounter.
“WepassedKenonourwayhere.Hewasgettinggas,soheshouldbehere
anyminute,”Landontellshismom.
“Great,TessaandIhavealreadysetthetable.”
Landon goes over to where Dakota sits, puts his arm around her waist, and
leads her to the table. I take my seat across from them and glance over at the
empty place setting next to me, which Karen had set up for “purposes of
symmetry,” but it just makes me a little sad. In another life Hardin would be
sitting next to me, holding my hand the way Landon is Dakota’s, and I could
leanintohimwithoutfearofbeingrejected.I’mbeginningtowishIhadinvited
Zed even though it would have been extremely awkward; having dinner with
twodeeplyin-lovecouplesmayproveworse.
Kenenters,savingmefrommythoughts.HewalksoverandkissesKarenon
hercheekbeforesittingdown.
“Dinnerlooksgreat,honey,”hesaysandplayfullyplacesanapkinonhislap.
“Dakota, you get more beautiful each time I see you.” He smiles at her, then
turnstome.“AndTessa,congratulationsonyourinternshipatVance.Christian
calledmeandtoldme.Youmadeawonderfulfirstimpressiononhim.”
“Thankyouagainforcallinghim;it’ssuchanamazingopportunity.”Ismile
andthe table’ssilent for a momentwhile weall tryKaren’s chicken, which is
delicious.
“SorryI’mlate,”Ihearfrombehindmeandmyforkfallsoutofmyhandonto
myplate.
“Hardin!I didn’tknow you were coming!” Karen says nicely, then looks at
me.Ilookaway.Mypulseisalreadyquickening.
“Yeah,rememberwediscusseditlastweek,Tessa?”Hesmileshismenacing
smileandtakestheseatnexttome.
Whatiswrongwithhim?Whycan’thejustleavemealone?Iknowitispartly
myfaultforlettinghimgettome,buthereallyenjoysplayingcat-and-mouse.
Everyone’seyesareonme,soInodandpickupmyfork.Dakotalooksconfused
andLandonlooksworried.
“YoumustbeDelilah?”Hardinsaystoher.
“Oh,Dakota,actually,”shecorrectshimsweetly.
“Yeah,Dakota.Samething,”hemuttersandIkickhimunderthetable.
Landonglaresathim,butHardindoesn’tseemtonotice.KenandKarengo
intoconversationbetweenthemselves,asdoDakotaandLandon.Istayfocused
onmyfoodandthinkofanexitstrategy.
“So,how’syoureveningsofar?”Hardinasksinacasualtone.Heknowsthat
Iwon’tcauseascene,soheistryingtoannoyme.
“Fine,”Ianswerquietly.
“You’renotgoingtoaskmehowmineis?”Hesmirks.
“Nope,”Imumbleandtakeanotherbite.
“Tessa,wasthatyourcaroutside?”KenasksandInod.
“Ohyeah,Ifinallygotmyowncar!”Isay,withalittleextraexcitementinthe
hopesthateveryoneelsewilljoininsoI’mnotstucktalkingtojustHardin.
Hardinraiseshiseyebrowatme.“When?”
“The other day,” I answer. You know, the day that you told me that it’s all
aboutthechase?
“Oh.Wheredidyougetit?”
“Aused-carlot,”IanswerandwatchDakotaandKarenbothtrytohidetheir
smiles.Sensinganopportunitytodirecttheattentionoffme,Isay,“So,Dakota,
LandontoldmeyouwerethinkingofgoingtoNewYorkforaballetschool?”
She tells us all about her plans to move to New York, and Landon looks
genuinelyhappyforherdespitethedistancethatwillstaybetweenthem.
Whenshefinishes,Landonlooksathisphoneandsays,“Well,weshouldget
goingsoon.Thatbonfirewaitsfornoman.”
“What?”Karensays.“Okay,butatleasttakesomeofthedessertwithyou!”
LandonnodsandhelpsherputsomeintoaTupperwarecontainer.
“Are you going to ride with me?” Hardin says. I look around like I’m
confusedaboutwhomhe’saddressing.
“I’mtalkingtoyou,”hestates.
“What?No,you’renotgoing,”Itellhim.
“Yes,Iam.Andyoucan’tstopmefromgoing,soyoumightaswellridewith
me.”Hesmilesandtriestoputhishandonmythigh.
“Whatthehelliswrongwithyou?”Isayundermybreath.
“Canwetalkoutside?”heasksandlookstowardhisfather.
“No,”Isayquietly—everytimeHardinandI“talk,”Iendupcrying.
But Hardin stands up quickly and grabs my hand, pulling me to my feet.
“We’llbeoutside,”heannounces,andpullsmethroughthelivingroomandout
thefrontdoor.
Oncewe’reoutside,Iyankmyarmawayandwarnhim,“Stoptouchingme!”
Heshrugs.“Sorry,butyouweren’tgoingtocomewithme.”
“BecauseIdidn’twantto.”
“I am sorry. For everything, okay?” His fingers play with his lip ring and I
avoidfocusingonhismouth.Istareatthewayhiseyessearchmyface.
“You’resorry?You’renotsorry,Hardin—youjustwanttomesswithme.Just
stop.Iamexhaustedanddrainedfromfightingwithyouallthetime.Ican’tdoit
anymore.Isn’tthereanyone else thatyou canmess with? Heck, I’ll evenhelp
youfindsomeone,somepoorinnocentgirlforyoutotortureaslongasitisn’t
me.”
“That’snotwhatIamdoing.IknowIambackandforthalotwithyou,andI
don’tknowwhyIdoit.Butifyougivemeonechance,onemorechance,Iwill
stop.ItriedtostayawayfromyoubutIcan’t.Ineedyou...”Helooksdownat
thedeck,rubbingthetipsofhisbootstogether.
Theaudacityofwhathe’ssayinghelpsmekeepmytearsincheckthistime;
hisegohasseenquiteenoughofthem.“Stop!Juststop.Aren’tyoutiredofthis?
Ifyouneededmeyouwouldn’ttreatmethewayyoudo.Youtoldmeyourselfit
wasallaboutthechase,remember?Youcan’tjustshowuphereaftereverything
andactlikenothinghappened.”
“Ididn’tmeanthat.YouknowIdidn’t.”
“Soyouadmityoujustsaidittohurtme?”Iglareathim,tryingtokeepmy
guardup.
“Yeah...”Helooksdown.
I’msoconfusedbyhim;hesayshewantsmore,thenhekissesMolly,thenhe
tellsmehelovesmeandtakesitback,andnowheisapologizingagain?“Why
should I forgive you—you just admitted that you did something solely to hurt
me.”
“Onemorechance?Please,Tess.I’lltellyoueverything,”hepleads.Ialmost
believethepaininhiseyesashelooksdownatme.
“Ican’t,Ihavetogo.”
“Whycan’tIcomewithyou?”heasks.
“Because...becauseIammeetingZedthere.”
Iwatchas his expressionchangesand seems tocrumplebeforeme. It takes
everythinginmenottocomforthim.ButHardindidthistohimself.Evenifhe
actuallydoescare,it’stoolate.
“Zed?Soareyouguys,what...datingnow?”Histoneisfullofdisgust.
“No,wehaven’teventalkedaboutit.Wearejust...Idon’tknow,spending
timetogether,Iguess.”
“Youhaven’ttalkedaboutit?Soifheaskedyou,youwould?”
“Idon’tknow...”AndIhonestlydon’tknow.“Heisniceandpoliteandhe
treatsmewell.”WhyamIevenexplainingmyselftothisboy?
“Tessa,youdon’tevenknowhim,youdon’tknow—”
ThefrontdoorshootsopenandanexuberantLandonasks,“Ready?”
His eyes dart to Hardin, who for once looks unguarded and even . . .
heartbroken.
I force my feet toward my car and follow Landon as he pulls out of the
driveway. I can’thelp but look back at Hardin, who is still on the porch, still
staringbackatmeasIdriveaway.
chaptersixty-five
PullingintothespotnexttoLandon,ItextZedtotellhimthatIhavearrived.
Hewritesbackimmediatelywithanotetomeethimatthefarleftcornerofthe
field.
ItellLandonwherehe’llbeasheandDakotawalkup.
“Soundsgood,”hesays,butheseemslessthanthrilled.
“Who’sZed?”Dakotaasks.
“He’smy...friend.”Heisjustmyfriend.
“Hardin’syourboyfriend,right?”sheasks.
Ilookoverather.Shedoesn’tseemtobeimplyinganything,shejustseems
confused.Welcometotheclub.
“No,babe.”Landonlaughs.“Neitherofthemare.”
Ilaugh,too.“It’snotasbadasitsounds.”
Rightaswegettowhereeveryoneis,theschoolbandbeginstoplayandthe
field becomes more and more crowded. I’m relieved when I spot Zed leaning
againstthefence.Ipointhimout,andweheadoverthere.
“Oh,” Dakota squeals as we get close. I can’t tell if she’s surprised by his
tattoosandpiercings,orhisgoodlooks.Maybeboth.
“Hey,beautiful,”Zedsays,beaming,and hugs me. I smileathim,returning
thehug.
“Hi, I’m Zed. It’s nice to meet you both.” He nods toward Landon and
Dakota.Iknowhe’smetLandonbefore,somaybehe’sjusttryingtobepolite.
“Haveyoubeenherelong?”Iask.
“Onlyabouttenminutes.AlotmorepeopleherethanIexpected.”
Landon leads the way to a less crowded area near the enormous mound of
wood,andweallsitonthegrass.DakotasitsbetweenLandon’slegsandleans
back against his chest. The sun is going down and the breeze is picking up. I
shouldhavewornlongsleeves.
“Yeah,haveyoubeentooneofthesebefore?”IaskZed,whoshakeshishead.
“No,thisisn’tmytypicalscene,”hesayswithalaughbeforeadding,“ButI’m
gladtobeheretonight.”
I smile at his compliment and right then someone walks up to the central
bandstand and gives us all a warm welcome on behalf of the school and the
band.Afteracoupleofminutesoframblingon,theyfinallycountdowntothe
lighting of the fire, and three, two, one . . . the fire ignites and swallows the
mound of wood fiercely. It’s actually quite beautiful being this close to the
flames,andIcantellI’llbewarmenoughafterall.
“Sohowlongareyouhere?”ZedasksDakota.
She frowns. “Only the weekend. I wish I could come back for the wedding
nextweekend.”
“Whatwedding?”Zedasks.
IlookatLandon,whoanswers,“Mymothers.”
“Oh...”Hepausesandlooksdown,asifthinkingaboutsomething.
“What?”Iaskhim.
“Nothing. I’m just trying to remember who else said something about a
weddingnextweekend...Ohyeah—Hardin,Ithink.Hewasaskinguswhathe
shouldweartoawedding.”
Myheartstops.IhopeIdon’tshowitonmyface.SoHardindefinitelystill
hasn’t told any of his friends that his father is the chancellor, or that he’s
marryingLandon’smother.
“Bitofacoincidence,right?”heasks.
“No, they are—” Dakota begins, but I interrupt: “Quite a coincidence, but,
then,inatownthissize,thereareprobablyafeweveryweekend.”
Zednodsinagreement,andLandonwhisperssomethinginDakota’sear.
Hardinisactuallyconsideringgoingtothewedding?
Zedchuckles.“Ican’timagineHardinataweddinganyway.”
“Whynot?”MytoneisalittleharsherthanImeantittobe.
“I don’t know, because he’s Hardin. The only way to get him to go to a
wedding would be if he knew he could have sex with the bridesmaids. All of
them,”hesaysandrollshiseyes.
“IthoughtyouandHardinarefriends?”Isay.
“Weare. I’mnotsayinganythingbadabouthim—that’sjusthowHardinis.
Hehassexwithadifferentgirleveryweekend,sometimesmorethanone.”
Myearsarebuzzingandthefirefeelstoohotonmyskin.IstandupbeforeI
realizewhatIamdoing.
“Whereareyougoing?What’swrong?”Zedasks.
“Nothing,Ijust...Ineedsomeair.Somefreshair,”Imumble.Iknowhow
stupidthatsoundsbutIdon’tcare.“Berightback,Ijustneedasecond.”Imarch
awayquicklybeforeanyofthemcanfollowme.
Whatiswrongwithme?Zedissweetandheactuallylikesme,heenjoysmy
company, and yet all it takes is a mention of Hardin and I can’tstop thinking
abouthim.Itakeaquickstrollaroundthestandsandfewdeepbreathsbefore
walkingbackovertothem.
“Sorry,thefirewasjust...toohot,”Ilieandsitbackdown.
Zedhashisphoneoutandturnsthescreenawayfrommeasheslidesitback
intohispocket.Hetellsmeit’s fine andwemakesmalltalkwithLandonand
Dakotaforthenexthour.
“I’mgettingsortoftired,Ihadanearlyflight,”DakotafinallytellsLandon,
whonods.
“Yeah,I’mtired,too.We’regoingtogetgoing.”Landonstandsupandhelps
Dakotatoherfeet.
“Doyouwanttogo,too?”Zedasksme.
“No,I’mokay.Unlessyouwantto?”
Heshakeshishead.“I’mcool.”WesaygoodbyetoLandonandDakotaand
watchastheydisappearintothecrowd.
“So what’s the reason behind the bonfire?” I ask Zed, unsure that he really
knows.
“Ithinkit’sliketocelebratetheendofthefootballseason,”hetellsme.“Or
themiddleofit,orsomething...?”Ilookaroundandnoticeforthefirsttime
thatalotofpeoplearewearingjerseys.
“Oh.”IlookoveratZed.“Iseeitnow,”Isayandlaugh.
“Yeah,”hesaysandthensquints.“IsthatHardin?”
Isnapmyheadinthedirectionhe’slooking.Sureenough,Hardiniswalking
towarduswithashortbrunettewearingaskirt.
IscootclosertoZed.ThisisexactlywhyIdidn’tlistentoHardinontheporch
—he’salreadyfoundsomegirltobringherejusttospiteme.
“Hey,Zed,”thegirlsaysinahigh-pitchedvoice.
“Hey,Emma.”Zedhookshisarmaroundmyshoulder.Hardinglaresathim
buttakesaseatwithus.
IknowIambeingrudebynotintroducingmyselftothisgirl,butIcan’thelp
butdislikeheralready.
“How’sthebonfiresofar?”Hardinasks.
“Warm.Andalmostover,Ithink,”Zedreplies.
Thereistensionbetweenthetwoofthem.Icanfeelit.Idon’tknowwhythere
wouldbe—Hardinmadeitcleartohisfriendsthathedoesn’tgiveashitabout
me.
“Dotheyhavefoodhere?”thegirlsaysinherannoyingvoice.
“Yeah,theyhaveaconcessionstand,”Itellher.
“Hardin,comewithmetogetsomefood,”shedemands.Herollshiseyesbut
standsup.
“Bringmebackapretzel,yeah?”Zedyells,smiling,andHardinclencheshis
jaw.
Whatisupwiththem?
As soon as Hardin and Emma disappear I turn to Zed. “Hey, can we go? I
don’treallywanttohangoutwithHardin;wesortofhateeachother,incaseyou
forgot.”Itrytoforceoutaplayfullaugh,butitdoesn’thappen.
“Yeah,sure,sure,”hesays.Webothstandupandhereachesformyhand.We
holdhandsaswewalk,andIfindmyselflookingaroundforHardinandhoping
hewon’tsee.
“Doyouwanttogototheparty?”Zedasksaswereachtheparkinglot.
“No,Idon’treallywanttogothere,either.”ThatisthelastplaceIwanttogo.
“Okay,well,wecanjusthangoutanother...”hebegins.
“No,Istillwanttohangout.Ijustdon’twanttobehereoratthatfrathouse,”
Isayquickly.
Helookssurprisedashiseyesmeetmine.“Okay...well,wecangotomy
place? If you want; if not, we can go somewhere else? I actually don’t really
knowwhereelsetogointhistown.”HelaughsandIjoinhim.
“Yourplaceisfine.I’llfollowyouthere,”Itellhim.
Duringthedrive,Ican’thelpbutpictureHardin’sfacewhenhereturnstofind
usgone.Hebroughtagirltherewithhim,sohehasnorighttobeupset,butit
doesn’treallyeasethepanginmystomachtojustifyitlikethat.
Zed’s apartment is right off campus and is small but clean. He offers me a
drink,butIdeclinesinceIplanondrivingbacktomyroomtonight.
Iplopdownonthecouch,andhehandsmetheremotebeforegoingbackto
thekitchentomakehimselfadrink.“Youcanbeincontrol;Idon’tknowwhat
youliketowatch.”
“Doyoulivealone?”Iaskhimandhenods.Ifeelalittleawkwardashesits
nexttomeandputshisarmaroundmywaist,butIhidemynervousnesswitha
smile.Zed’sphonebuzzesinhispocketandhestandsuptoanswerit.Holdinga
fingeruptotellmehewillbeback,hewandersintohissmallkitchenarea.
“Weleft,” I hear him say. “So . . .” “Fair.” “Too bad.” The few snippets of
conversationthatIcatchmakenosensetome...exceptthe“weleft.”
IsthatHardinonthephone?IstandupandwalktowardthekitchenasZed
hangsup.
“Whowasthat?”Iask.
“No one important,” he assures me and leads me back to the couch. “I am
reallygladwearegettingtoknoweachother;you’redifferentfromtherestof
thegirlshere,”hesayssweetly.
“Me,too,”Itellhim.“DoyouknowEmma?”Ican’thelpbutask.
“Yeah,hergirlfriendisNate’scousin.”
“Girlfriend?”
“Yeah,theyhavebeentogetherawhile.Emma’sprettycool.”
SoHardinwasn’ttherewithher,notinthatwayatleast.Maybeheactually
cametheretotrytotalktomeagain,insteadoftryingtohurtmewithanother
girl.
Ilook over toZed justas he leans in tokiss me.His lips arecool from his
drinkandtastelikevodka.Hishandsarecarefulandsmoothagainstmyarms,
then my waist. Hardin’s heartbroken face from earlier pops into my mind, the
way he begged for one more chance and I didn’t believe him, the way he
watchedmedriveaway,theoutburstinclassaboutCatherineandHeathcliff,the
wayhealwaysshowsup whenIdon’twanthimto,thewayhenevertellshis
motherthathelovesher,thewayhesaidhelovedmeinfrontofeveryone,the
hurtfulwayhetookitback,thewayhebreaksthingswhenhe’sangry,theway
hecametohisfathershousetonighteventhoughhehatesitthere,andtheway
heaskedhisfriendswhattoweartothewedding—itallmakesperfectsense,but
nosense,atthesametime.
Hardinlovesme.Inhisowndamagedway,hedoesloveme.Therealization
ofthishitsmelikeatruck.
“What?”Zedsaysandpullsawayfromourkiss.
“What?”Irepeathisword.
“YoujustsaidHardin.”
“No,Ididn’t,”Idefend.
“Yes,yes,youdid.”Hestandsupandstepsawayfromthecouch.
“Ihavetogo...Iamsorry,”Isayandgrabmypurseandrushoutofthedoor
beforehecansayanythingelse.
chaptersixty-six
ItakeasecondtothinkaboutwhatIamdoing.IleftZedtogofindHardin,butI
reallyneedtothinkaboutwhatwillhappennext.Hardinwilleithersayterrible
things to me, curse at me, and make me leave, or he will admit that he has
feelingsformeandthatallthesegameshehasbeenplayingarejusthiswayof
notbeingabletodealwithandexpresshisfeelingsinanormalway.Ifthefirst
scenariohappens,andImostlyexpectitto,IwillbeinnoworseastatethanI
aminnow.But,ifit’sthesecond,amIreadytoforgivehimforalltheterrible
thingshehassaidanddonetome?Ifwebothadmitthewaywefeelabouteach
other,willeverythingchange?Willhechange?Ishecapableofcaringformethe
wayIneedhimto,and,ifso,amIcapableofputtingupwithhismoodswings?
Theproblemis,Ican’tansweranyofthesequestionsonmyown,notasingle
one. I hate the way he clouds my thoughts and makes me feel unsure about
myself.Ihatenotknowingwhathewilldoorsay.
IpulluptothedamnedfraternityhousethatIhavespentwaytoomuchtime
in.Ihatethishouse.Ihatealotofthingsrightnow,andmyangertowardHardin
isalmosttoitsboilingpoint.Iparkatthecurbandrushupthestepsandintothe
crowdedhouse.IheadstraightfortheoldcouchHardinisusuallyperchedon,
but,notspottinghismopofhair,IduckbehindaheavysetguybeforeStephor
anyoneelsecanspotme.
Rushing up the stairs to his room, I bang my fist against the door,annoyed
thatonceagainhehasitlocked.
“Hardin!It’sme,openthedoor!”Iyelldesperatelyandcontinuetopound,but
there’snoanswer.Wherethehellishe?Idon’twanttocallhimtofindout,even
thoughthatisobviouslyeasier,butI’mangryandIfeellikeIneedtostayangry
soIcansaywhatImean—whatIneedtosay—andnotfeelbadaboutit.
IcallLandon toseeif Hardinisat his fathers,but heisn’t.Theonlyother
placethatIknowtolookisthebonfire,butIdoubthewouldstillbethere.Still,
Idon’thaveanyotheroptionsrightnow.
SoIdrivebacktothestadiumandparkmycar,repeatingtheangrywordsI
havesavedforHardinoverandovertomakesureIdon’tforgetanythingincase
heactuallyishere.Approachingthefield,Icanseethatalmosteveryonehasleft
alreadyandthefireisalmostout.Iwalkaroundandsquintinthedyinglightand
stareatcouplestoseeiftheyareHardinandEmma,withoutluck.
Just as I decide to stop looking, I finally do see Hardin leaning against the
fence by the goalpost. He is alone, and doesn’t seem to notice me walking
towardhimashetakesaseatonthegrass,wipinghismouth.Whenheremoves
hishand,itlooksred.Ishebleeding?
SuddenlyHardin’sheadsnapsupasifhecansensemypresence,and,yes,the
cornerofhismouthisbleedingandtheshadowofabruiseisalreadyformingon
hischeek.
“Whatthehell—”Isayandkneeldowninfrontofhim.“Whathappenedto
you?”Iask.
Helooksupatmeandhiseyesaresohaunted,myangerdissolveslikesugar
onmytongue.
“Whydoyoucare?Where’syourdate?”hegrowls.
Iclickmytonguegentlyandmovehishandawayfromhismouth,examining
his busted lip. He jerks away from me but I bite my tongue. “Tell me what
happened,”Idemand.
Hesighsandrunshishandoverhishair.Hisknucklesarebustedandbloody.
Thecutonhisindexfingerlooksdeepandverypainful.
“Didyougetinafight?”
“Whatgaveyouthatidea?”hesnaps.
“Withwho?Areyouokay?”
“Yeah,Iamfine,nowleavemealone.”
“Icameheretofindyou,”Itellhimandstandup,wipingthedeadgrassoff
myjeans.
“Okay.Andyoufoundme,sogo.”
“Youdon’thavetobe suchanasshole,”Isay.“Ithinkyoushouldgohome
andgetcleanedup.Youmightneedstitchesonthatknuckle.”
Hardindoesn’trespondbutstandsupandwalkspastme.Icameheretoyellat
himforbeingsuchanidiotandtellhimhowIfeel,andhe’smakingitveryhard
—Iknewhewould.
“Whereareyougoing?”Iask,followinghimlikealostpuppy.
“Home.Well,I’mgoingtocallEmmaandseeifshewillcomebackandpick
meup.”
“Sheleftyouhere?”Idon’tlikeheratall.
“No.Well,technically,butItoldherto.”
“Letmetakeyou,”Isayandgrabhisjacket.Heshrugsmeoff,andIwantto
slaphim.MyangerisreturningandIammorepissed-offthanbefore.Thetables
haveturned;our...whateverthisishasshifted.Iamusuallytheonerunning
fromhim.
“Stop walking away from me!” I yell and he turns around, eyes blazing. “I
saidletmetakeyouhome!”Iscream.
Healmostsmilesbutfrownsinsteadandsighs.“Fine.Where’syourcar?”
HARDIN’S SCENT IMMEDIATELY fills the car, only now there is a hint of
metalmixedin;it’sstillmyfavoritesmellintheentireworld.Iturntheheaton
andrubmyarmstowarmup.
“Whydidyoucomehere?”heasksasIpulloutoftheparkinglot.
“Tofindyou.”ItrytoremembereverythingIhadplannedtosay,butmymind
isblankandallIcanthinkaboutiskissinghisbustedmouth.
“Forwhatreason?”heasksquietly.
“To talk to you, we have so much to talk about.” I feel like crying and
laughingatthesametimeandIhavenoideawhy.
“Ithoughtyousaidwedidn’thaveanythingtotalkabout,”hesaysandturns
tolookoutthewindowwithacoolnessIsuddenlyfindbeyondirritating.
“Do you love me?” The words come out rushed and strangled. I had not
plannedonsayingthem.
Hisheadsnapstothesidetolookatme.“What?”Histoneisoneofshock.
“Doyou?”Irepeat,worryingthatmyheartmightpoprightoutofmychest.
He focuses forward. “You are not seriously asking me this while we are
drivingdownthestreet.”
“WhatdoesitmatterwhereorwhenIamasking,justtellme,”Ipractically
beg.
“I...Idon’tknow...No,Idon’t.”Helooksaround,almostlikeheneedsto
escape.“Andyoucan’tjustasksomeoneiftheyloveyouwhentheyaretrapped
inacarwithyou—whatthehelliswrongwithyou?”hesaysloudly.
Ouch.“Okay,”isallIcanmanagetosay.
“Whydoyouevenwanttoknow?”
“Itdoesn’tmatter.” I’m confusednow,soconfused,andmy plan to talk out
our problems has crashed and burned in front of me, along with any dignity I
stillheld.
“Tellmewhyyouaskedmethat,now,”hedemands.
“Don’ttellmewhattodo!”Ishoutback.
Ipulluptohishouseandhelooksoutatthecrowdedlawn.“Takemetomy
dad’s,”hesays.
“What?Iamnotadamntaxi.”
“Justtakemethere,Iwillgetmycarinthemorning.”
If his car is here, why doesn’t he just drive himself? I don’t want our
conversation to end yet, though, so I roll my eyes, and head off toward his
fathershouse.
“Ithoughtyouhateditthere,”Isay.
“Ido.ButI don’tfeellikebeingarounda lot ofpeoplerightnow,” hesays
quietly.Then,louder,hegoeson:“Areyougoingtotellmewhyyouaskedthat?
DoesthishavesomethingtodowithZed?Didhesaysomethingtoyou?”
Heseemsreally nervous. Whydoeshe always askifZedsaid something to
me?
“No...IthasnothingtodowithZed.Ijustwantedtoknow.”Itdoesn’treally
havetodowithZed;ithastodowiththefactthatIlovehimandthoughtfora
second,hemightloveme,too.ThelongerIamaroundhim,themoreridiculous
thatpossibilityseems.
“WheredidyouandZedgowhenyouleftthebonfire?”heasksasIpullinto
hisfathersdriveway.
“Backtohisapartment,”Isay.
Hardin’s body tenses and his bloody fists clench, tearing the skin on his
knucklesfurther.“Didyousleepwithhim?”heasksandmymouthfallsopen.
“What? Why the hell would you assume that? You should know me better
thanthat bynow! Andwho doyou thinkyou areto even ask such a personal
question?Youmadeitclearthatyoudon’tcareaboutme so, what if I did?”I
shout.
“Soyoudidn’t?”heasksagain,hiseyeslikestone.
“God, Hardin! No! He kissed me, but I wouldn’t have sex with someone I
barelyknow!”
Heleansoverandturnsmycaroff,clenchinghisbloodyhandoverthekeys
andpullingthemoutoftheignition.
“Youkissedhimback?”Hiseyesarehoodedasheseemstolookstraightpast
me.
“Yeah...well,Idon’tknow,IthinkIdid.”Idon’trememberanythingexcept
Hardin’sfaceinmymind.
“Howdoyounotknow?Haveyoubeendrinking?”Hisvoiceisloudernow.
“No,Ijust...”
“Youwhat!”heshoutsandturnshisbodytofaceme.Ican’treadtheenergy
betweenus,andforamomentIsitthere,tryingtogetahandleonit.
“I-Ijustkeptthinkingofyou!”Ifinallyadmit.
Hisstonefeaturessoftentremendouslyandhebringshiseyestomine.“Let’s
goinside,”hesaysandopensthepassengerdoor.
chaptersixty-seven
Karen and Ken are sitting on the couch in the living room and both look up
whenwewalkin.
“Hardin!Whathappened?”hisfatherasks,panicked.Hejumpsupandcomes
overtous,butHardinbrusheshimoff.
“I’mfine,”Hardingrumbles.
“Whathappenedtohim?”Kenturnstome.
“Hegotinafight,buthehasn’ttoldmewithwhoorwhy.”
“I am standing right here—and I just said I am fucking fine,” Hardin says
angrily.
“Don’ttalktoyourfatherlikethat!”Iscoldhimandhiseyeswiden.Instead
ofscreamingatme,hetakesmywristinhisbustedhandandpullsmeoutofthe
room. Ken and Karen discuss Hardin’s bloody appearance as he drags me
upstairs,andIhearhisdadopenlywonderwhyHardinkeepscomingherewhen
heneverusedtobefore.
Oncewereachhisroom,heturnsmearound,pinningbothofmywriststothe
wallandstepsupclose,leavingonlyafewinchesbetweenus.
“Don’teverdothatagain,”hesaysthroughhisteeth.
“Dowhat?Letgoofme,rightnow,”Itellhim.
Herollshiseyesbutdoesletmegoandwalksovertohisbed.Istaycloseto
thedoor.
“Don’ttellmehowtotalktomyfather.Worryaboutyourownrelationship
withyourownfatherbeforetryingtomeddlewithmine.”
Assoonasthewordscomeoutofhismouth,Hardinregisterswhathesays,
andheimmediatelylooksapologetic.“I’msorry...Ididn’tmeanitlikethat...
Itjustcameout.”Hetakesasteptowardmewithoutstretchedarms,butItakea
stepbackwardintothedoorway.
“Yeah—italwaysjust‘comesout,’doesn’tit?”Ican’thelpthetearspricking
myeyes.Bringingmyfatherintothisisjustwaytoomuch,evenforHardin.
“Tess,I...”hebeginsbutstopshimselfwhenIholduponehand.
WhatamIdoinghere?WhydoIkeepthinkinghewillstoptheendlessstring
ofinsultslongenoughtohaveanactualconversationwithme?BecauseIaman
idiot,that’swhy.
“It’s fine, really. That’s who you are; that’s what you do. You find people’s
weaknessandyouexploitit.Youuseittoyouradvantage.Howlonghaveyou
beenwaitingtosay something about myfather?You’veprobablybeenwaiting
foranopeningsinceyoumetme!”Ishout.
“Damn it! No I haven’t! I wasn’t thinking when I said that! You are not
innocenthere—youprovokemeonpurpose!”heyells,evenlouderthanIdid.
“Provokeyou?Iprovokeyou!Please,doenlightenme!”Iknoweveryonein
thehousecanhear.But,foronce,Idon’tcare.
“Youalwayspushmybuttons!Youconstantlyfightwithme!Yougoondates
withZed—Imean, fuck!You think Ilike being thisway? Do youthink I like
youhavingthiscontroloverme?Ihatethewayyougetundermyskin.Iloathe
the way I can’t seem to stop thinking about you! I hate you . . . I really do!
You’resuchapretentiouslittle...”Hestopsandlooksatme.Iforcemyselfto
lookback at him,puttingon thecharade that hedidn’tjusttearme apart with
everysyllable.
“ThisiswhatIamtalkingabout!”Herunshishandsoverhishairashepaces
backandforthacrosstheroom.“You...youmakemecrazy,literallyfucking
mental!AndthenyouhavethenervetoaskifIloveyou?Whywouldyoueven
ask that? Because I said that one time, by accident? I told you already that I
didn’t mean it, so why would you ask again? You like rejection—don’t you?
That’swhyyoukeepcomingaroundme,isn’tit?”
AllIwanttodoisrun,runoutofthisroomandnever,everlookback.Ineed
torun,Ineedtoflee.
Itrytostopit,buthehasmeinsucharage,IyellthethingIknowwillgetto
him,breakhiscontrol:“No,IkeepcomingaroundbecauseIloveyou!”
Icovermymouthimmediately,wishingIcouldpushthewordsbackin.He
couldn’t possibly hurt me worse than he has, and I don’t want to be left
wondering years from now what he would have said if I told him. I am okay
withhimnotlovingme.Igotmyselfintothisknowinghowhewasallalong.
Helooksastonished.“Youwhat?”Heblinksrapidlyasiftryingtoprocessthe
words.
“Go on, tell me how much you hate me again. Go ahead and tell me how
stupidIamforlovingsomeonewhocan’tstandme,”Isay,myvoicecomingout
foreignandalmostinawhine.Iwipemyeyesandlookathimagain,feelingas
ifI’vebeengravelydefeatedandneedtoleavethescenetobandagemywounds.
“I’llbegoingnow.”
AsIgototurn,hetakesonelongstridetoclosethegapbetweenus.Irefuse
tolookathimasheputshishandonmyshoulder.“Damnit,don’tgo,”hesays,
hisvoicefullofemotion.
Whichemotionisthequestion.
“Youloveme?”hewhispersandputshisbustedhandundermychintotiltmy
headtohim.Idartmyeyesawayfromhisandnodslowly,waitingforhimto
laughinmyface.
“Why?”Hisbreathcomesinahotburstagainstmyface.
Ifinallybringmyeyestohisandhelooks...afraid?“What?”Iasksoftly.
“Whydo you love. . .how couldyou possibly loveme?” His voicecracks
andhestaresatme,andIfeellikethewordsIsaynextwilldeterminemyfate
morethananythingI’veeverdonebefore.
“HowcouldyounotknowthatIloveyou?”Iaskinsteadofansweringhim.
Hedoesn’tthinkIcouldlovehim?IhavenoexplanationexceptthatIjustdo.
Hedrivesmecrazy,makesmeangrierthanIhaveeverbeen,butsomehowIfell
forhim,hard.
“Youtoldmeyoudidn’t.AndyouwentoutwithZed.Youalwaysleaveme;
youleft me onthe porch earlierwhen I beggedyou for anotherchance. Itold
youIlovedyou,andyourejectedme.Doyouknowhowhardthatwasforme?”
hesays.
Imustbeimaginingthetearswellinginthecornersofhiseyes,thoughIam
tooawareofhiscallusedfingersundermychin.
“YoutookitbackbeforeIcouldevenprocesswhatyousaid.You’vedonea
lotofthingstohurtme,Hardin,”Itellhimandhenods.
“Iknow...I’msorry.Letmemakeituptoyou?IknowIdon’tdeserveyou.
Idon’thavetherighttoevenbeaskingthis...butplease,justonechance.Iam
notpromisingnot tofightwith you, orget mad atyou, but Iam promising to
givemyselftoyou,completely.Please,justletmetrytobewhatyouneed.”He
soundssounsureofhimself,itturnsmyinsidestoliquid.
“Iwanttothinkthiscanwork,butIjustdon’tknowhowitcould,somuch
damagehasalreadybeendone.”
Butmyeyesbetraymeasthetearsfall.Hardinbringshisfingersupfrommy
chinandcapturesthem,evenasasingletearescapesdownhisowncheek.
“DoyourememberwhenyouaskedmewhoIlovethemostintheworld?”he
asks,hislipsinchesfrommine.
I nod, though it seems so long ago, and I didn’t think he was even paying
attention.
“It’syou.You’rethepersonthatIlovemostintheworld.”
Hiswordssurprisemeanddissolvetheacheandtheangerinmychest.
BeforeIwillletmyselfbelievehimandturnmetoputtyinhisarms,Iask,
“Thisisn’tpartofyoursickgame,isit?”
“No,Tessa.I’mdonewiththegames.Ijustwantyou.Iwanttobewithyou,
inarealrelationship.You’llhavetoteachmewhatinthehellthatevenmeans,
ofcourse.”HelaughsnervouslyandIjoinhimwithearnestlaughterofmyown.
“Ihavemissedyourlaugh.Ihaven’thearditenough.Iwanttobetheoneto
makeyoulaugh,notcry.IknowIamalottohandle—”
Icuthimoffbypressingmylipsagainsthis.HiskissesarerushedandIcan
tastebloodfromhiscut.Mykneeswanttobucklefromtheelectricityshooting
throughme,itseemssolongagothatIlastfelthismouthonmine.Ilovethis
damaged,self-loathingassholesomuchthatI’mafraiditwillcrushme.Helifts
meupandIwrapmythighsaroundhim,tanglingmyfingersintohishair.He
moans into my mouth and I gasp, pulling harder. My tongue runs over his
bottomlipandwhenhewinces,Ipullaway.
“Whodidyougetinafightwith?”Iaskandhelaughs.
“You’reaskingthatnow?”
“Yeah,Iwanttoknow.”Ismile.
“Youalwayshavesomanyquestions.Can’tIanswerthemlater?”Hepouts.
“No,tellme.”
“Onlyifyou’llstay.”Heholdsmeagainsthimtighter.“Please?”hebegs.
“Okay,”Isayandkisshimagain,completelyforgettingaboutmyquestion.
chaptersixty-eight
Eventually we stop kissing and I go to sit at the foot of the bed, and Hardin
followsme,sittingupbytheheadboard.
“Okay, now tell me who you fought with; was it Zed?” I ask, afraid of his
answer.
“No.Itwasjustafewrandomguys.”
I’mrelieveditwasn’tZed,butthenIregisterwhatheactuallysaid.“Wait,a
few?Howmany?”
“Three...orfour.Iamnotreallysure.”Helaughs.
“It’snotfunny—whywereyoufighting,anyway?”
“I don’t know . . .” He shrugs. “I was pissed that you left with Zed and it
seemedlikeagoodideaatthetime.”
“Well,it’snotagoodidea,andnowlookhowbustedupyouare.”Ifrownand
hecockshisheadtothesidewithapuzzledexpression.“What?”
“Nothing...comehere,”hesaysandholdshisarmsouttome.Imoveacross
thebedandleanbackonhimbetweenhislegs.
“IamsorryforthewayItreated...well,treatyou,”hesaysquietlyintomy
ear.
A shiver runs through my body from his breath in my ear and his unforced
apology. “It’s okay. Well, it’s not okay. But I am going to give you one more
chance.”
Ihopehedoesn’tmakemeregretit.Idon’tthinkIcanhandleanymorehot
andcoldfromhim.
“Thankyou,IknowIdon’tdeserveit.ButIamselfishenoughtotakeit,”he
says,hismouthagainstmyhair.Hewrapshisarmsaroundme,andsittingwith
himlikethisfeelsforeignandnostalgicatthesametime.
When I stay silent he turns my shoulders slightly to have me look at him.
“What’swrong?”heasks.
“Nothing.I’mjustafraidthatyou’llchangeyourmindagain,”Isay.Iwantto
diveintothisheadfirstbutamdesperatelyafraidIwillhitthebottom.
“Iwon’t.Ihaveneverchangedmymind.I’vejustfoughtmyfeelingsforyou.
Iknowyoucan’ttrustmywordsalone,butIwanttoearnyourtrust.Iwon’thurt
youagain,”hepromisesandleanshisforeheadagainstmine.
“Pleasedon’t,”Ibeg.Idon’tcarehowpatheticIsound.
“Iloveyou,Tessa,”hesaysandmyheartleapsoutofmychest.Thewords
sound perfect coming off his lips and I would do anything to be able to hear
themagain.
“I love you, Hardin.” This is the first time we have both openly said the
words,andIfightdownmyurgetopanicoverthepossibilitythathecouldtake
thembackagain.Evenifhedoes,Iwillalwayshavethememoryofhowthey
sounded,howtheymademefeel.
“Sayitagain,”hewhispersandturnsmearoundtofacehim.InhiseyesIsee
morevulnerabilitythanIhadthoughtpossibleforhim.Imovetomykneesand
take his face in my hands, rubbing my thumbs over the light stubble on his
perfectface.Icantellbyhisexpressionthatheneedsmetosayit,overandover
again.IwillsayitasmanytimesasIhavetountilhebelievesthatheisworthy
ofsomeonelovinghim.
“I love you,” I repeat and cover his lips with my own. He hmms in
appreciation as his tongue grazes gently over mine. Kissing Hardin feels new
and different each time, and he is like a drug that I can’t get enough of. His
handspressagainstthesmallofmyback,bringingourcheststogether.Mymind
istellingmetotakeitslow,tokisshimgentlyandtosavoreachsecondofthis
gentlecalmbetweenus.Butmybodyistellingmetograbafistfulofhishair
and pull his shirt over his head. His lips travel down my jaw and attach
themselvestomyneck.
Thatdoesit.Ican’tcontrolmyselfanymore.Thisisus,allangerandpassion
andnowlove.Aninvoluntarymoanescapesmylipsandhegroansagainstmy
neck,grabbingmywaistandflippingusoversoheishoveringoverme.
“I...have...missedyou...somuch,”hesaysinbetweensuckingtheskin
onmyneck.Ican’tkeepmyeyesopen;itfeelstoogood.Heunzipsmyjacket
and looks down at me with hungry eyes. He doesn’t ask for my permission
beforetuggingatthefabric,pullingmytanktopupandovermyhead,andhe
sucksinasharpbreathasIarchmybacksohecanunclaspmybra.
“Ihavemissedyourbody...thewayyoufitperfectlyinmyhand,”hegrowls
ashepalmsmybreasts.Imoanagainandhepresseshislowerbodyagainstmine
so I can feel his arousal pressed against my lower stomach. Our breathing is
rapid and uncontrolled, and I have never wanted him more. It seems the
admissionofourfeelingshasn’tlessenedtheoverwhelmingpassionbetweenus.
Iamglad.Hishandglidesdownovermybarestomachandpopsopenthebutton
on my jeans. As his fingers slide into my panties he gasps into my mouth. “I
havemissedhowwetyoualwaysareforme.”
His words do wicked things to me, and I lift my hips again, begging for
contact.
“Whatdoyouwant,Tessa?”Hebreathesheavilyintothecrookofmyneck.
“You,”IanswerbeforemymindcanprocesswhatIjustsaid.ButIknowit’s
true: I want Hardin in the most primal, deep way possible. His finger slides
easilyintomeandmyheadfallsbackagainstthepillowasheslipsinandout.
“Ilovetowatchyou,toseehowgoodImakeyoufeel,”hesaysandImoanin
response.MyhandsfisthisT-shirtathisback.Hehastoomanyclotheson,butI
can’tformacoherentsentencetodemandtheirremoval.Howdowegofrom“I
hateyou”to“Iloveyou”tothis?Idon’tcarefortheanswer,though—allIcare
aboutisthewayheismakingmefeel,thewayhealwaysmakesmefeel.His
bodyslidesdownmineandheremoveshishandfrommypants.Iwhinefrom
thelossofcontactandhesmiles.
As he pulls down my jeans and panties, I gesture at his fully clothed body.
“Undress,”Isay,andhechuckles.
“Yes,ma’am.”Hesmirksandpullshisshirtoverhishead,revealinghisinked
skin.I want torun my tonguealong every singleline on everysingle tattoo. I
love the way the infinity symbol abovehis wrist isso out of place among the
flamesinkedbelowit.
“Whydidyouget this?” Iask,runningthe pad ofmyindexfinger over the
mark.
“What?”He’sdistracted,hiseyesandhandsfocusedonmybreasts.
“This tattoo. It’s so different than the rest. So much . . . softer, and sort of
feminine?”
His fingers roam across both breasts and he leans in, pressing his arousal
against my leg. “Feminine, huh?” He smiles and traces his lips across mine
beforepullingawayandcockingabrow.
I no longer have interestin his tattoo or why he got it. I just want to touch
him,tofeelhismouthonmine.
Beforeeitherofuscanruinthemomentwithmorewords,Igrabholdofhis
hairandpullhisfacetomine.Ikisshimbrieflyonhislipsbeforemovingtohis
neck.FrommyexperienceinpleasuringHardin,Iknowthatthespotonhisneck
justabovehiscollarbonedriveshimcrazy.Iplantwetandwarmkissesagainst
there,feelinghisbodyjerkandtenseasIliftmyhipstohimagain.Thefeeling
of his bare body on top of mine is exquisite. All of our bare skin is already
startingtoshinealittlewithperspiration.Ifonesmallmovementismade,this
willbetakentoanotherlevel.AlevelthatIhadneverbeenreadytoreachuntil
now.TheflexingofHardin’shardmusclesasheslowlyrubshimselfagainstme,
moaning,istoomuchformetoresist.
“Hardin...”Imoanasheglidesagainstmeagain.
“Yes,baby?”Hestopsmoving.Ibringmyheelstohisthighsandforcehimto
moveagain.Hiseyesflutterclosed.“Fuck,”hemoans.
“Iwantto...”Isay.
“Youwanttowhat?”Hisbreathishotandheavyagainstmyclammyskin.
“I want to . . . you know . . .” I say, finding myself suddenly embarrassed
despiteourintimateposition.
“Oh,”hesays.Hestopsmovingagainandstaresintomyeyes.Heseemstobe
wageringsomeinternalbattlewithhimself.“I...Idon’tknowifthat’sagood
idea...”
What?“Why?”Ipushhimoffme.Herewegoagain.
“No...no,baby.Ijustmeanfortonight.”Hewrapshisarmsaroundmeand
putsmeonmyside,lyingnexttome.Ican’tlookathim,I’mtoohumiliated.
“Listen,lookatme,”hesays,tiltingmychin.“Iwantto,fuckdoIwantto.
Morethananything,trustme.IhavewantedtofeelyouaroundmesinceImet
you,butI...Ijustthinkaftereverythingtodayand...Ijustwantyoutobe
ready.I mean allthewayready, becauseoncewedo this, it’s done.Youcan’t
takeitback.”
MyhumiliationeasesandIlookathim.Iknowheisright,IknowIneedto
thinkaboutthismore,butIhaveahardtimebelievingthatmyanswerwillbe
anydifferenttomorrow.IshouldthinkaboutitwhenI’mnotundertheinfluence
of his naked body grinding against mine. He’s worse than alcohol running
throughmyveins.
“Don’tbe upsetwith me,please, justthink aboutit fora littlewhile, and if
you’resurethat’s whatyouwanttodo,Iwillgladlyfuckyou.Overandover,
whenandwhereyouwant.Iwantto—”
“Okay!Okay!”Ibringmyhanduptocoverhismouth.Helaughsagainstmy
palmandshrugshisshouldersasiftosay,“Justsaying.”
WhenIremovemyhandfromhismouth,heplayfullybitesmypalmandpulls
metohim.“IguessIshouldputsomeclothesonsoyouaren’tsotempted,”he
teasesandIblush.
I can’t decide which aspect of this is more surprising: the fact that I just
suggestedwehavesex,orthefactthatheactuallyhasenoughrespectformeto
turnmedown.
“Butfirst,letmemakeyoufeelgood,”hemuttersandflipsmeontomyback
in one swift motion. His mouth ducks down between my legs, and within
minutesmylegsareshakingandI’mcoveringmymouthwithmyhandtokeep
fromscreaminghisnameforeveryonetohear.
chaptersixty-nine
IwakeuptoHardinsnoringlightly,hislipspressedtomyear.Mybackistight
againsthischestandhislegsarehookedaroundmine.Memoriesfromlastnight
bringasmiletomylips,beforetheeuphoricfeelingisreplacedbypanic.
Willhefeelthesameinthelightofday?Orwillhetortureandtauntmefor
offering myself to him? I roll over slowly to face him, to examine his perfect
featureswhilehispermanentfrownissmoothedbysleep.Ireachoutandrunmy
indexfingeroverhiseyebrowring,thendowntothebruiseonhischeek.Hislip
looksbetter,asdohisknuckles,sincehefinallyagreedtoletmehelphimwash
themofflastnight.
His eyes snap open as my finger greedily traces his lips. “What are you
doing?”heasks.Ican’tdecipherhistone,whichmakesmeuneasy.
“Sorry...Iwasjust...”Idon’tknowwhattosay.Idon’tknowwhattypeof
moodhewillbeinafterwefallasleepineachothersarms.
“Don’tstop,”hewhispersandcloseshiseyesagain.Halfoftheweightonmy
chest disappears and I smile before tracing over the shape of his plump lips
again,carefultoavoidhisinjury.
“Whatareyourplansfortoday?”heasksafewminuteslater,reopeninghis
eyes.
“IactuallyhaveplanswithKarentoworkonhergreenhouseoutback,”Itell
himandhesitsup.
“Really?”Hemustbemad.Iknowhedoesn’tlikeKaren,eventhoughsheis
oneofthesweetestpeopleIhaveevermet.
“Yeah,”Imumble.
“Well,IguessIdon’thavetoworryaboutmyfamilylikingyou.Ithinkthey
probablylikeyoubetterthantheydome.”Hechucklesandrunsthepadofhis
thumb across my cheek, sending a shiver down my spine. “The problem with
that is, if I keep hanging out here my dad may start to believe I actually like
him,”hesays,histonelightbuthiseyesdark.
“MaybeyouandyourdadcouldhangoutorsomethingwhileKarenandIare
outside?”Isuggest.
“No,definitelynot,”hegrowls.“I’llgobacktomyhouse,myrealhouse,and
waitforyoutobedone.”
“Iwantedyoutostayhere,though;itmaytakeawhile.Hergreenhouseisin
prettybadshape,”Isay.
Heseemstobeatalossforwords,whichmakesmyheartwarmatthethought
that he doesn’t want to be away from me for very long. “I . . . I don’t know,
Tessa. My father probably doesn’t want to hang out with me anyway,” he
mumbles.
“Of course he does. When is the last time you two were even in the same
roomalonetogether?”
Heshrugs.“Idon’tknow...years.Idon’tknowifthisisagoodidea,”he
says,runninghishandsoverhishead.
“If you get uncomfortable, you can always join Karen and me outside,” I
assurehim.Frankly,I’mastonishedthatheisconsideringspendingtimewithhis
father.
“Fine...butIamonlydoingthisbecausethethoughtofleavingyou,even
foralittlewhile...”Hestops.Iknowheisn’tgoodatexpressinghowhefeels,
soIstayquiet,givinghimtimetocollecthimself.“Well,let’sjustsayit’sworse
thanhangingoutwithmyprickofafather.”
Ismile,despitetheharshwordsagainsthisdad.ThefatherthatHardinknows
fromhischildhoodisnotthesamemanthatisdownstairs,andIhopeHardincan
come around to see that. After I climb out of bed, I remember that I have no
clotheswithme,notoothbrush,nothing.
“Ineedtogobymyroomandgrabsomethings,”Itellhimandhetenses.
“Why?”
“BecauseIdon’thaveanyclothes,andIneedtobrushmyteeth,”Isay.When
I look at him he has a small smile on his face but it doesn’t reach his eyes.
“What’swrong?”Iask,afraidoftheanswer.
“Nothing...Howlongwillyoubegone?”
“Well, I was assuming you would come with me?” As the words leave my
mouth,hevisiblyrelaxes.Whatiswithhim?
“Oh.”
“Areyougoingtotellmewhyyouarebeingweird?”Iaskwithmyhandson
myhips.
“I’mnot...Ijustthoughtyouweretryingtoleave.Leaveme.”Hisvoiceis
sosmallandunlikehimthatIgettheurgetowalkoverandcradlehim.Instead,I
gesture for him to come to me and he nods before getting up and standing in
frontofme.
“I’mnotgoinganywhere.Ijustneedsomeclothes,”Itellhimagain.
“I know . . . it’s just going to take a little getting used to. I’m used to you
runningawayfromme,notleavingandcomingback.”
“Well,I’musedtoyoupushingmeawayfromyou,sowebothjusthavesome
adjustingtodo.”Ismileandlaymyheadonhischest.Ifeeloddlycomfortedby
hisworry.Ihadbeenterrifiedthathewouldchangehismindthismorningandit
feelsgoodtoknowhewasjustasafraid.
“Yeah,Iguesswedo.Iloveyou,”hesays,andithitsmejustashardasitdid
thefirsttime,andthetwentieth,lastnight.
“AndIloveyou,too,”Itellhimandhefrowns.
“Don’tsaytoo,”hesays.
“What?Why?”Mydoubtisoncall,waitingforhimtodenyme,yethoping
thathewon’t.
“Idon’tknow...itjustmakesmefeellikeyouarejustagreeingwithme.”
Helooksdown.IrememberthepromiseImadetomyselflastnightthatIwould
dowhateverIcantohelphimconquerhisselfdoubt.
“I love you,” I say and he looks up at me. His eyes soften and he gently
presseshislipsagainstmine.
“Thankyou,”hesayswhenhepullsaway.
I roll my eyes at how flawless he looks in a plain white T-shirt and black
jeans. He never wears anything except plain white or black T-shirts and black
jeanseverysingleday,buthelooksperfect,everysingleday.Hedoesn’tneedto
follow whatever trend is hot; his simple style suits him so well. I put on my
clothesfromlastnightandhegrabsmypurseformebeforeweheaddownstairs.
WefindKarenandKeninthelivingroom.“Imadesomebreakfast,”Karen
sayscheerfully.
I feel slightly uncomfortable with Karen and Ken knowing I stayed with
Hardin,again.Iknowtheyseemtobeperfectlyfinewithit,andweareadults,
butthatdoesn’tstopmycheeksfromblushing.
“Thankyou.”Ismileandshegivesmeacuriouslook;IknowIwillgetsome
questions when we are in the greenhouse. I walk into the kitchen and Hardin
follows.Webothfillourplateswithfoodandsitatthetable.
“AreLandonandDakotahere?”IaskKarenwhenshecomesin.Dakotawill
probably be confused seeing me with Hardin again after being with Zed last
night,butIshakeoffthenegativethoughts.
“No,theywenttoSeattleforthedaytodosomesightseeing.Wereyoustill
wantingtoworkonthegreenhousetoday?”
“Yes,ofcourse.Ijusthavetoruntomyroomandchangemyclothes,”Itell
her.
“Excellent!I’llhaveKenbringthebagsofsoiloutfromtheshedwhileyou’re
gone.”
“Ifyouwait until wegetback,Hardin can helphim?”I half-ask, half-offer,
lookingtoHardin.
“Oh, you will be around today as well?” she asks, her smile growing. How
canhenotseethatpeoplecareabouthim?
“Uh...yeah.Iwasgoingtojusthangoutheretoday...Iguess.Ifthat’scool
withy-you?”hestutters.
“Ofcourse!Ken!Didyouhearthat,Hardinisgoingtobehereallday!”Her
excitementmakesmesmileandHardinrollhiseyes.
“Benice,”IwhisperinhisearasheplastersthefakestsmileIhaveeverseen
acrosshisface.ThenIgiggleandkickhisfootwithmine.
chapterseventy
Iremovemyclothesandtakeaquickshower,eventhoughI’mgoingtogetdirty
gardening with Karen. Hardin waits patiently, fiddling through my underwear
drawertokeephimselfbusy.WhenI’mdone,hetellsmetopackenoughclothes
tospend anothernight with him,which makesme smile. Iwould spendevery
nightwithhimifIcould.
Aswedriveback,Iaskhim,“Doyouwanttogetyourcarandtakeittoyour
dad’s?”
“No,I’mokay.Aslongasyoustopswervingallovertheroad.”
“Excuseme?Iamanexcellentdriver,”Isaydefensively.
Hesnortsbutkeepshismouthshut.“Sowhatmadeyoudecidetogetacar,
anyway?”
“Well, I got the internship, and I didn’t want to keep taking the bus or
dependingonotherpeopletotakemeplaces.”
Helooksoutthewindow.“Oh...didyougoalone?”
“Yeah...why?”
“Justwondering,”helies.
“Iwasalone;thatwasabaddayforme,”Isayandheflinches.
“HowmanytimesdidyouandZedhangout?”heasks.
Whyishebringingthisupnow?“Twice:wewenttodinnerandamovie,then
thebonfire.Itwasn’tanythingforyoutoworryabout.”
“Heonlykissedyouonce?”
Ugh.“Yes,onlyonce.Well,besidesthetimethat...yousaw.Nowcanwe
moveonfromthis?Youdon’tseemeaskingaboutMolly,doyou?”Isnap.
“Okay...okay.Let’snotfight.Thisisthelongestwehaveevergottenalong,
so let’s not ruin it,” he says and reaches for my hand. His thumb rubs small
circlesonmyskin.
“Okay,”Isay,stillslightlyannoyed.TheimageofMollyonhislapmakesmy
visionblur.
“Aww,comeon,Tess.Don’tpout.”Helaughsandpokesmyside.
Ican’thelpbutletoutagiggle.“Don’tdistractme!I’mdriving!”
“Thisisprobablytheonlytimeyou’llevertellmenottotouchyou.”
“Notlikely—don’tbesofullofyourself.”
Ourlaughterblendstogetherandit’salovelysound.Hebringshishandtomy
thighandrubshislongfingersupanddown.
“Yousure?”hisraspyvoicewhispersandmyskintingles.Mybodyresponds
tohimsoquickly,mypulsedrummingheavily.Igulpandnod,causinghimto
sighandpullhishandaway.“Iknowthat’snottrue...butI’drathernothave
youdrivingofftheroad,soI’lljusthavetofingeryoulater.”
Iswatathim,blushing.“Hardin!”
“Sorry,baby.”Hesmiles,raisinghishandsinmockinnocenceandlookingout
the window. I love when he calls me baby; no one has called me that before.
NoahandIhadalwaysthoughtthattheridiculouspetnamespeoplecalledeach
otherweretoojuvenileforus,butwhenHardincallsmesomething,myblood
singsinmyveins.
Whenwegetbacktohisfathershouse,KenandKarenareinthebackyard
waitingforus.Ken looks outofhiselementin jeans andaWCUT-shirt.I’ve
neverseenhimdressedsocasually,andinfacthelooksalittlelikeHardinthis
way. They greet us with a smile that Hardin tries to return, but he looks
uncomfortableasheshiftsonhisheelsandburieshishandsinhispockets.
“Readywhenyouare,”KensaystoHardin.Helooksjustasuncomfortableas
Hardin,thoughhe’smorenervous,whereasHardinseemsapprehensive.
HardinlooksatmeandIgivehimanencouragingnod,surprisedthatIhave
suddenly become someone he looks at for reassurance. It seems that our
dynamic has changed dramatically, making me happy in a way I hadn’t
expected.
“Wewillbeinthegreenhouse,sojustbringthesoilinthere,”Karensaysand
givesKen asmall kisson thecheek. Hardinlooks awayfrom them,and fora
secondIthinkhemaygivemeakiss,too,buthedoesn’t.IfollowKarentothe
greenhouseandwhenwewalkinsideIgasp.It’shuge,biggerthanitlooksfrom
outside, and she wasn’t joking when she said it needs a lot of work. It is
practicallyempty.
Dramatically,sheputsherhandsonherhipswithchipperglee.“Itisquitethe
project,butIthinkwecandoit.”
“Ithinkso,too,”Isay.
HardinandKencomein,carryingtwobagsofsoileach.Theyarebothsilent
astheydropthemwhereKarendirectsbeforewalkingbackout.Twentybagsof
soilandhundredsofseedsanddozensofflowersandvegetableplantslater,we
haveaprettygoodstart.
BEFORE I REALIZE IT, the sunlight has started to fade and I haven’t seen
Hardininafewhours.IhopeheandKenarebothstillalive.
“Ithinkwe’vedoneenoughfortoday,”Karensaysandwipesherface.Weare
bothcoveredindirt.
“Yeah,IbettercheckonHardin,”Itellherandshelaughs.
“It means a lot to us, Ken especially, that Hardin has been coming around
more,andIknowwehaveyoutothankforthat.Itakeitthatyoutwoworked
outyourdifferences?”
“Sort of . . . I guess we did.” I let out a little laugh. “We are still very
different.”Ifonlysheknew.
Shegivesmeaknowingsmile.“Well,differentissometimeswhatweneed.
It’sgoodtobechallenged.”
“Well,heisdefinitelychallenging.”
Webothlaughandshepullsmeinforahug.“Yousweetgirl,youhavedone
moreforusthanyouknow.”IfeelmyeyestearingupandInod.
“Ihopeyoudon’tmindthatI’vebeenstayingovernight.Hardinhasaskedme
tostayagain,”Itellherandtrynottomakeeyecontact.
“No,ofcoursenot.Youbothareadults,andItrustyou’rebeingsafe.”
OhGod.Iknowmycheeksareadeepershadeofredthanthebulbswejust
planted.“We...uh...wedon’t,”Istammer.WhyamItalkingaboutthiswith
Hardin’ssoon-to-bestepmother?Iammortified.
“Oh,”shesays,equallyembarrassed.“Let’sgoinside.”
Ifollowherintothehouse,wherewebothtakeourdirtyshoesoffatthedoor.
Icanseeintothelivingroom,whereHardinissittingontheedgeofthecouch
and Ken is in the easy chair. Hardin’s eyes immediately find mine and relief
flushesthroughthem.
“I’llmakesomelatedinnerwhileyougetcleanedup,”Karensays.
Hardinstandsupandwalksovertome.Heseemsgladtobeoutoftheroom
withhisfather.
“We’llbebackdownsoon,”IsayandfollowHardinupthestairs.
“Howwasit?”Iaskasweenterhisroom.
Insteadofansweringme,hewrapshisfingersaroundmyponytailandbrings
his lips to mine. We stagger back against the door and he presses his body
againstme.“Imissedyou.”
Myinsidesliquefy.“Youdid?”
“Yes,Idid.Ijustspentthelastfewhourswithmyfatherinawkwardsilence,
andthensharingafewevenmoreawkwardcommentshereandthere.Ineeda
distraction.”Herunshistonguealongmybottomlipandmybreathcatchesin
mythroat.Thisisdifferent.Welcome,andveryhot,butdifferent.
Hishandstraveldownmystomachandstopatthebuttononmyjeans.
“Hardin,Ineedashower.Iamcoveredindirt,”Isay,laughing.
Histonguerunsalongmyneck.“Ilikeyouthisway,niceanddirty.”Hegives
methatsmilewiththosedimples.
ButIgentlypushhimbackandgrabmybagbeforeheadingtothebathroom.
My breathing is ragged and I’m a little disoriented, sowhen I tryto close the
bathroomdooronlytohaveitstopmidway,I’mconfused.UntilIlookdownand
IseeHardin’sboot.
“CanIjoinyou?”HesmilesandpusheshiswayintothebathroombeforeI
cananswer.
chapterseventy-one
Hisfingersgripthebottomofhisshirt,pullingitoverhishead,andhereaches
behindmetoturnontheshower.
“We can’t just take a shower together! We’re at your fathers house, and
Landon and Dakota could be back anytime,” I say. The idea of seeing Hardin
completelynakedundertheshowermakesmesquirmbutthisistoomuch.
“Well, then I’m going to take a nice hot shower while you stand there and
overanalyze.” His pants drop to the floor, along with his boxers, and he steps
pastmeandintothewater.Thebareskinonhisbackistight,pulledagainstthe
musclesthere.Hefacesme,hiseyesmovingupanddownmycoveredbody,the
waymineareonhisnakedone.Thewatercovershim,makinghistattooedskin
glisten.Idon’trealizeI’mstaringuntilheclosesthecurtainabruptly,hidinghis
perfectfigure.
“Don’t you just love a hot shower after a long day?” His voice is muffled
somewhatbythesoundofthewater,butIcanstillcatchitssmugness.
“I wouldn’t know; some rude naked guy stole my shower,” I huff and hear
himchuckle.
“Asexyrudenakedguy?”heteases.“Justcomeinbeforethehotwatergoes
away.”
“I...”I wantto,buttakingashowerwithsomeoneis justsointimate,too
intimate.
“Come on, live a little. It’s just a shower,” he says and opens the curtain.
“Please.” He reaches his hand out and my eyes scan his long, inked torso,
gleamingfromthewaterslidingdownhisskin.
“Okay,” I whisper and undress while he watches every move I make. “Stop
staring,”Iscoldhimandhepretendstobewounded,placinghishandoverhis
heart.
“Are you questioning my nobility?” He laughs and I nod slowly, trying to
fightmysmile.“Iaminsulted.”
Hereacheshishandouttohelp,andIcan’tbelieve I’m actually doing this,
showeringwithsomeone.ItrymybesttocovermyselfwithmyarmsasIwait
forhimtomovefromunderthewater.
“IsitweirdthatIlovehowyou’restillshyaroundme?”hesays,unfoldingmy
arms,removingmyshield.Istayquietandhegentlytugsmyarmstobringme
moreunderthewater,whichhe’sblockingwithhisbody.Hisheaddipsdown,
soakingmybareshoulder.
“Ithinkit’ssoappealingtomebecauseyouaresoshyandinnocent,yetyou
letmedodirtythingstoyou.”Hisbreathfeelshotterthanthewateragainstmy
ear.Iblinkashishandstraveldownmyarmsslowly.“AndIknowforafactthat
youlikewhenIsaydirtythingstoyou.”
Igulpandhesmilesagainstmyneck.“Seehowyourpulsequickens...Ican
practically see it under your delicate skin.” He taps his index finger over the
pulsepointinmyneck.IhavenoideahowIamstanding;mylegshaveturned
tomush,alongwithmybrain.
Hisfingersrunningovermybodymakemestopworryingaboutthefactthat
wearen’taloneinthehouse;theymakemewanttoberecklessandletHardindo
whatever he wants to me. When his long fingers wrap around my hips, I
involuntarilyleanintohim.
“Iloveyou,Tessa.Youbelieveme,don’tyou?”heasks.
Inod,wonderingwhyheisaskingmethisrightnow,afterwehavesaiditso
many times in the last twenty-four hours. “Yes, I believe you.” My voice is
hoarseandIclearmythroat.
“Good.Ihaveneverlovedanyonebefore.”Hegoesfromplayfultoseductive
toserioussofast,Icanbarelykeepup.
“Ever?” I think I already knew this, but it feels so differentactually having
himsaythewords,especiallywhenwearelikethis.Ithoughthewouldhavehis
headbetweenmylegsrightnow,notbeexpressinghisfeelings.
“No,never.Notevenclose,”headmits.
Iwonderifhehaseverhadagirlfriendbefore—no,Idon’twanttoknowifhe
has.Hetoldmehedoesn’tdate,soI’mgoingtostickwiththat.
“Oh,”isallIcansay.
“DoyoulovemethewayyoulovedNoah?”heasks.
Asoundbetweenacoughandagaspcomesoutofmymouth,andIlookaway
fromhim.Igrabtheshampooofftheshelf.Ihaven’tevenwashedanythingyet
andwehavebeeninhereseveralminutesalready.
“Well?”hepresses.
Idon’tknowhowtoanswerthat.It’stotallydifferentwithHardinthanitwas
withNoah.IlovedNoah,Ithink.IknowIlovedhim,justnotlikethis.Loving
Noahwascomfortableandsafe;itwasalwayscalm.LovingHardinisrawand
exciting;itsparksmyeverynerveandIcan’tgetenoughofhim.Ineverwantto
beawayfromhim.Evenwhenhedrovemecrazy,Imissedhimandhadtofight
myselftostayaway.
“I take that as a no,” he says and turns awayfrom me, letting me have full
accesstothewater.Ifeelcrampedinthetinyspaceandtheairistoothin,too
cloudedwithsteamfromthehotwater.
“It’s not the same.” How do I explain this to him without sounding insane?
His shoulders slack. I know if he was to face me he would be frowning. My
handswraparoundhiswaistandIpressmylipsagainsthisback.“It’snotthe
same,butnothowyou’rethinkingthatmeans,”Isay.“Iloveyouinadifferent
way.Noahwassocomfortabletomehewasalmostlikefamily.IfeltlikeIwas
supposed to love him but I really didn’t, not in the way I love you at least. It
wasn’tuntilIrealizedIlovedyouthatIsawhowdifferentlovewasfromwhatI
thoughtitwas.Idon’tknowifthatevenmakessense.”Apangofguilthitsme
forsayingIdidn’tloveNoah,butIthinkIknewthatfromthemomentIkissed
Hardinforthefirsttime.
“Itdoes.”Whenheturnsbackaround,hiseyesaremuchsofter.Thelust,then
apprehension are gone, replaced by . . . love? Or relief . . . I can’ttell but he
leansdownandkissesmyforehead.“Ijustwanttobetheonlypersonyouever
love;thatwayyouaremine.”
Howcouldhebesuchajerkbeforeandsaytheselovingthingstomenow?
Despite the hint of possessiveness in his tone, his words are sweet and
surprisinglyhumbleforhim.
“Inthewaysthatcount,youare,”Ipromisehim.Heseemspleasedwithmy
answerashissmilereturns.
“Now,canyoumovesoIcangetthisdirtoffmebeforethewatergoescold?”
Isayandgentlypushhimoutofmyway.
“I’ll do that for you.” He grabs the cloth and pours soap on it. I hold my
breath the entire time he gently scrubs the dirt off my body, and shiver as he
passesoverthesensitivespots,histouchlingeringonthem.
“Iwouldhaveyouwashme,butIwon’tbeabletostopwhatwouldhappen
after.”HewinksatmeandIblush.Iwanttofindoutwhatwouldhappenafter,
and I would love to touch every inch of his body. But Karen has probably
alreadyfinishedcookingandmightcomelookingforussoon.
Iknowtheresponsiblethingtodowouldbetoagreetoleavetheshower,but
it’shardtoconcentrateonbeingresponsiblewhenhe’snakedinfrontofme.I
reach for him, gripping his length in my palm, and he steps back against the
showerwall.HestaresatmeasIpumphimslowlyinmyhand.
“Tess,”hegroans,restinghisheadbackagainstthetiledwall.
Ikeepmyhandonhim,willinghimtogroanagain.Ijustlovethenoiseshe
makes. I glance down, admiring the way the water is spraying us, helping my
handtoglideeasilyoverhim.
“Youmakemefeelsofuckinggood.”
Hisgazeonmemakesmealittlenervous,butthewayhisteetharepressed
togetherandthewayhiseyelidsflutter,it’sasifhe’stryingtokeepthemopento
urgemetopleasurehimfurther.Mythumbrubsacrosstheheadofhispenisand
hecursesunderhisbreath.
“I’mgoingtocomenow,already.Fuck.”HiseyescloseandIfeelthewarmth
of his release mix with the hot water, and I can’thelp but stare until only the
waterisleftonmyhand.Hardinleansover,outofbreath,andpressesakissto
mymouth.
“Amazing,”hewhispers,kissingmeagain.
AfterIamdirt-freeandfeelingcalm,yetwoundupfromHardin’stouch,Idry
offquicklyandputonmyyogapantsandaT-shirtfrommybag,thenbrushmy
hair and pull it into a bun. Hardin wraps a towel around his waist and stands
behindme,watchingmethroughthemirror.Helookssoheavenlyandgodlike
andperfectandmine.
“Thosepantsaregoingtobedistracting,”hesays.
“Haveyoualwaysbeensuchapervert?”Iteaseandhenods.
ITISN’TUNTILWEWALKintothekitchenthatIrealizehowwelook,both
comingdownwithwethair.Itisobviousthatwejustshoweredtogether.Hardin
doesn’tseemtomind,butthen,hehasnomanners.
“Therearesomesandwichesoveronthecounter,”Karenproclaimscheerily,
pointingnearwhereKensitswithastackoffoldersinfrontofhim.Shedoesn’t
seemtobesurprisedormindourappearance;mymotherwouldlosehermindif
sheknewwhatIjustdid.EspeciallywithsomeonelikeHardin.
“Thankyousomuch,”Itellher.
“I had a nice time today, Tessa,” Karen says, and we start discussing the
greenhouseagainwhileweeachgatherupasandwichandsitdowntoeat.
Hardineatsinsilence,glancingatmefromtimetotime.
“Maybe we can do some more work next weekend,” I suggest, then catch
myself.“Nevermind,theweekendafter,”Isay,laughing.
“Yes,ofcourse.”
“Uh,isthereathemeorsomethingwiththewedding?”Hardininterrupts.
Kenlooksupfromhiswork.
“Well,thereisn’treallyatheme,butwehavechosenwhiteandblackforthe
décor,” Karen says nervously. I’m sure this is the only discussion they’ve had
withHardinabouttheweddingsincehelostitwhenKentoldhimaboutit.
“Oh.SowhatshouldIwear?”heaskscasually.Iwanttoreachoverandkiss
himafterseeinghisfathersreaction.
“You’recoming?”Kenasks,clearlysurprisedbutveryhappy.
“Yeah...Iguess.”Hardinshrugsandtakesanotherbiteofhissandwich.
Karen and Ken smile at each other before Ken gets up and walks over to
Hardin. “Thank you, son, this means a lot to me.” He pats Hardin on the
shoulder.Hardinstiffensbutrewardshisfatherwithasmallsmile.
“Thisisgreatnews!”Karensaysandclapsherhands.
“It’s nothing,”Hardingrumbles.I move tositnextto him andputmy hand
overhisunderthetable.IneverthoughtIcouldgethimtoagreetothewedding,
letaloneactuallytalkaboutitinfrontofKenandKaren.
“Iloveyou,”IwhisperinhisearwhenKarenandKenaren’tpayingattention.
Hesmilesandsqueezesmyhand.“Iloveyou,”hewhispersback.
“So,Hardin,howareyourclassesgoing?”Kenasks.
“Good.”
“Inoticedyoumovedyourclassesaroundagain.”
“Yeah,and?”
“You’restill majoringin English, right?” Ken goeson, unwittinglypressing
hisluck;IcanseethatHardinisgettingannoyed.
“Yep.”
“That’sgreat!Irememberwhenyouweretenandyouwouldrecitepassages
fromThe Great Gatsby all day, every day. I knew you were a literature whiz
then,”hisfathersays.
“Doyou?Doyourememberthat?”Hardin’stoneisharsh.Isqueezehishand,
tryingtosignalhimtocalmdown.
“Yeah,ofcourseIdo,”Kensayscalmly.
Hardin’snostrilsflareandherollshiseyes.“Ifindthathardtobelievesince
you were constantly drunk, and, if I remember correctly, which I do, you tore
thatbooktopiecesbecauseIbumpedyourscotchandspilledit.Sodon’ttryto
takeastrolldownmemorylanewithmeunlessyouknowwhatthefuckyou’re
talkingabout.”HestandsupasKarenandIbothgasp.
“Hardin!”Kensaysasheleavestheroom.
IscurryafterhimandhearKarenyellingatKen.“Youshouldn’thavegone
that far with him, Ken! He just agreed to come to our wedding. I thought we
agreedonbabysteps!Thenyougoandsaysomethinglikethat.Youshouldhave
leftitalone!”
Althoughshesoundsmad,IcantellfromthebreaksinhervoicethatKarenis
reallyalreadycrying.
chapterseventy-two
HardinslamshisbedroomdoorasIreachthetopofthestairs.Iturntheknob,
half-expectingittobelocked,butitopens.
“Hardin,areyouokay?”Iask,unsurewhatelsetosay.
He answers me by grabbing the lamp off the nightstand and slamming it
against the wall. The glass base shatters from the impact. I jump back and a
small shriek comes out against my will. He paces over to the desk, grabs the
smallkeyboard,andripsitoutofthedesktopcomputer,tossingitbehindhim.
“Hardin,pleasestop!”Iyell.
Hedoesn’tlookatme,butknocksthemonitortothegroundandstartsyelling,
“Why? Why, Tessa? It’s not like he can’t afford to buy a new fucking
computer!”
“You’reright,”Isayandstepontopofthekeyboard,crushingitfurther.
“What?Whatareyoudoing?”heasksasIpickitupanddropitbackonthe
ground.I’mnotreallysurewhatIamdoingbutthekeyboard’salreadybroken,
andthisseemslikethebestideaatthemoment.
“I’mhelpingyou,”Itellhim,andconfusionflashesinhisangryeyesbefore
humortakesover.Ipickupthemonitorandthrowitagainstthefloor.Hewalks
overwithasmallsmileonhislipsasIpickitupagain,buthishandsstopmine
andhetakesthemonitoroutofmyhandsandsitsitonthedesk.
“You’renotmadatmeforyellingatmydadlikethat?”heasks,andcupsmy
cheeks,histhumbsgentlycaressingthemashisgreeneyesboreintomine.
“No, you have every right to express yourself. I would never be mad about
that.”Hejusthadafightwithhisdadbutheisworriedaboutmebeingmadat
him?“Unlessofcourseyou’rebeingmeanfornoreason,whichinthiscaseyou
weren’t.”
“Wow...”hesays.
Butthesmallgapbetweenourlipsistootempting.Ileanforwardandpress
mineagainsthis,andheimmediatelyopenshismouth,deepeningthekiss.My
fingers twist into his hair and he groans as I put more force into it. His anger
rollsoffhimlikeatidalwave.Ipushhimbackalittleandheturnsmearoundso
thebottomofmybackhitsthedesk.Hishandsattachtomyhipsandheliftsme
ontothedesk.Iamhisdistraction.ThethoughtofmebeingwhatHardinneeds
makesmefeelneededinawayIwasn’tawareof.Ifeelmoresolidnow,more
necessaryinhislife,andmyheadtiltsbackashecontinuestopushhistongue
againstmine,standingbetweenmylegs.
“Closer,”hemoansintomymouth.Hishandsgripthebackofmykneesand
hepullsmetotheedge.Myhandstugathisjeansandhepullshismouthaway
frommine.
“What...?”Heraisesaneyebrowatme.HemustthinkIaminsane,coming
inhereandhelpinghimbreakthings,andnowtryingtoundresshim.Andmaybe
I am. I don’t care at the moment. All I care about is the way the curve of
Hardin’s collarbones are shadowed by the moonlight coming through the bay
window,thewayoneofhishandsisholdingmyfacelikeIamfragile,despite
himtryingtobreakeverythingintheroomminutesago.
I answer him wordlessly by wrapping my legs around him and pulling him
closer.
“Ireallythoughtyouweregoingtostorminhereandtellmeoff.”Hesmiles
andpresseshisforeheadagainstmine.
“Youwerewrong,”Iremindhimwithasmugsmile.
“Very. Idon’twanttogobackdown there tonight,”hesays, eyes searching
mine.
“That’sfine.Youdon’thaveto.”
Herelaxesandmoveshisheadtothecrookofmyneck.I’msurprisedbyhow
easy this is between us. I had expected him to snap at me, maybe even try to
makemeleavewhenIcameinhere,buthereheisleaningonme.Icantellheis
reallytryingtonavigatethisrelationshipthebesthecan,despitethefactthathe
isonegiantmoodswing.
“I love you,” I tell him, and feel his lip ring move against my neck as he
smiles.
“Iloveyou,”hereplies.
“Doyouwanttotalkaboutit?”Iask,butheshakeshishead,stillburiedin
myneck.“Okay,doyouwanttowatchamovie?Somethingfunny,maybe?”I
suggest.
After a long pause, he looks back toward the bed. “Did you bring your
laptop?”WhenInodhecontinues.“Let’swatchTheVowagain.”
Ilaugh.“Youmeanthemoviethatyousupposedlydespise?”
“Yes...well,despiseisalittleharsh.Ijustthinkit’sasappy,mediocrelove
story,”hecorrects.
“Thenwhydoyouwanttowatchit?”
“BecauseIwanttowatchyouwatchit,”heanswersthoughtfully.
Remembering the way he watched me the entire time we watched it in my
room,thatnightseemssolongago.Ihadnocluewhatwascomingupbetween
us.Iwouldhaveneverimaginedwewouldcometothis.
Mysmileisalltheanswerheneedsashegrabsmywaistandcarriesmetothe
bed.
Withinminutes,heissnuggledupnexttomestudyingmyfaceasIwatchthe
movie.HalfwaythroughIfeelmyeyesgettingheavy.
“I’mgettingsleepy,”Isaywithayawn.
“Theybothdie;you’renotmissingmuch.”
Inudgehimwithmyelbow.“Youhaveissues.”
“Andyou’readorablewhenyou’resleepy.”Heclosesmylaptopandpullsme
uptothetopofthebedwithhim.
“Andyou’reuncharacteristicallynicewhenI’msleepy,”Isay.
“No, I’m nice because I love you,” he whispers and I swoon. “Sleep,
beautiful.”
Hegivesmeasmallpeckonmyforehead,andIamtootiredtotryformore.
THENEXTMORNING,thelightisbright,toobright.WhenIrollovertobury
myheadinHardin’sshoulder,hesighsinhissleepandpullsmecloser.WhenI
wakeupagain,heisawakeandstaringattheceiling.Hiseyesarehoodedand
hisexpressionunreadable.
“Youokay?”Iask,nuzzlingfartherintohim.
“Yeah,I’mfine,”heanswers,butIcantellheislying.
“Hardin,ifthereissomethingwrong...”Ibegin.
“Thereisn’t,I’mfine.”Idecidetoletitgo.Wehavegottenalongallweekend;
it’sarecordforus.Idon’twanttoruinit.Iliftmyheadupandplaceasingle
kissonhisjawandhisarmswraptighteraroundme.
“Ihaveafewthingstodotoday,sowheneveryou’reready,canyoudropme
offatmyhouse?”heasks.Mystomachdrops,hearingthedistanceinhisvoice.
“Sure,”Imumbleandmoveoutofhisembrace.HetriestograbmywristbutI
movetooquickly.Grabbingmybag,Iheadtothebathroomtochangeandbrush
my teeth. We have been in our own little bubble all weekend, and I fear that
withouttheprotectionofthesewalls,hewon’tbethesame.
I’mrelievedwhenIdon’trunintoLandonorDakotainthehallway,andeven
morerelievedthatHardinisfullydressedwhenIreturn.Iwanttogetthisover
with.Hehascleanedtheglassoffthefloorandthekeyboardisinthetrashcan,
thelampandmonitorneatlypilednearby.
Downstairs, I say goodbye to Ken and Karen, though Hardin walks outside
withoutsayingawordtoeitherofthem.IassurethemthatHardinwillstillbeat
the wedding, despite the drama last night. I tell them about the computer and
lamp,buttheydon’tseemtopayitmuchmind.
“Areyoumadorsomething?”Hardinasksaftertenminutesofsilence.
“No.”It’snotthatI’mmad,Iamjust...nervous,Isuppose.Icanfeelthe
shiftbetweenusandIwasn’texpectinganythingtochangefromhowwewere
allweekend.
“Itseemslikeit.”
“Well,I’mnot.”
“Youneedtotellmeifyouare.”
“You’re just being distant and now you’re having me drop you off at your
house,andIthoughteverythingwasfinebetweenus,”Isay.
“You’reupsetbecauseIhavethingstodotoday?”Whenhesaysitlikethat,I
realizehowridiculousandobsessiveIsound.IsthatwhyIamupset?Becausehe
isn’thangingoutwithmetoday?
“Maybe.” I laugh at my stupidity. “I just don’t want you to be distant from
me.”
“I’mnot...notonpurpose,atleast.IamsorryifImadeyoufeelthatway.”
He reaches over and puts his hand on my thigh. “Nothing is going to change,
Tessa.”
Hiswordscalmme,butthereisstillasliverofuncertaintybehindmysmile.
“Doyouwanttocomewithme?”hefinallyasks.
“No,I’mokay.Ihavesomestudyingtodoanyway.”
“Okay.Tess,youhavetorememberthisisnewtome.I’mnotusedtohaving
toconsiderotherpeoplewhenImakeplans.”
“Iknow.”
“I can come to your room when I’m finished, or we can go to dinner or
something.”
I put my hand on his cheek, then run it through his messy hair. “It’s fine,
really,Hardin.Justletmeknowwhenyou’refinishedandwecandecidethen.”
Whenwepulluptohishouse,heleansoverandgivesmeaswiftkissbefore
climbingoutofthecar.
“I’lltextyou,”hesays,andboundsupthestepstothatdamnedhouse.
chapterseventy-three
The emptiness that I feel after dropping Hardin off is strange, and makes me
feelabitpathetic.Aftertheshortdrivebacktomyroom,italreadyfeelsasifI
dropped him off hours ago. Steph isn’t in the room when I get there, but I’m
glad.IreallydoneedtostudyandprepareformyfirstdayatVancetomorrow:I
havetodecidewhattowear,whattobring,whatIamgoingtosay.
Taking out my planner, I plan my week by the hour, then move on to my
clothes.Dayoneat Vancewillbemy new blackskirtandared top andblack
heels,nottoohighbuthigherthanIwouldhaveconsideredwearingtwomonths
ago. The outfit is very professional but still feminine. I wonder idly if Hardin
willlikeit.
Tokeepmymindoffhim,Icompleteallofmyassignmentsthatareduethis
weekandthensome.BythetimeIfinish,thesunhasdisappearedfromthesky
and I’m starving, but the cafeteria is already closed. Hardin still hasn’t texted
me,soIassumeheisn’tplanningoncomingovertonight.
Grabbingmypurse,Iheadouttofindsomethingtoeat.Irememberseeinga
Chinese restaurant near the little library, but by the time I find the place it’s
closed. I look up the closest restaurant to me and find a place called the Ice
House.WhenIdrivethere,theIceHouseissmallandlookslikeit’smadeoutof
aluminum,butI’mhungryandtheideaoffindinganotherplacetoeatmakesmy
stomachrumbleevenmore.Goinginside,Irealizeit’smoreofabarthatserves
food, and that it’s actually quite packed, although to my surprise I manage to
findasmalltableinthebacktositat.
I ignore the glances of the people inside, who must be wondering why I’m
here alone, but I always eat alone. I am not one of those people who need
someonetogowiththemeverywhere.Igoshoppingalone,eatoutalone,andI
haveevenbeentothemoviesaloneafewtimeswhenNoahwasn’tabletocome.
Ineverreallyhavemindedbeingalone...untilnow,ifI’mhonestwithmyself.
ImissHardinmorethanIshould,andittroublesmethathehasn’tevenbothered
totextme.
Iorder,andwhileI’mwaitingonmyfood,thewaitressbringsmeoverapink
drinkwithayellowumbrellastickingoutofthetop.
“Oh,Ididn’torderthis,”Itellherbutshesitsitdowninfrontofmeanyway.
“He did.” She smiles and tilts her head toward the bar area. I immediately
hopethatit’sHardinsomehowandcranemynecktolook.Butit’snot.Zedgives
measmallwaveandadazzlingsmilefromacrosstheroom.Natewalksupand
takestheemptybarstoolnexttohimandshootsmeasmileaswell.
“Oh.Thanks,”Itellher.Itseemsthateveryplacearoundthiscampusallows
underage drinking, or maybe these guys only go to the places that do. She
assuresmethatmyfoodwillbereadyanyminuteandwandersoff.
A fewmomentslater,ZedandNatecomeover, pull the chairsoutfrommy
table, and take a seat. I hope Zed isn’t angry with me for what happened on
Friday.
“You’rethelastpersonthatIexpectedtoseeinhere,especiallyonaSunday,”
Natesays.
“Yeah,itwasan accident. Iwasgoingfor Chinese but itwasclosed,”I tell
them.
“HaveyouseenHardin?”ZedaskswithasmilebeforelookingatNate,who
sharesamysteriouslookwithhimbeforeturningbacktome.
“No,notforawhile.You?”Iaskthem.Mynervesareclearinmyvoice.
“No,notforafewhoursbutheshouldbeheresoon,”Nateanswers.
“Here?”Isqueak.Myfoodarrives,butI’mnolongerhungry.WhatifMolly
is with him? I won’t be able to take it, not after the weekend we just had
together.
“Yeah,wecomeherealot.Icancallhimandseewhenhe’llbehere?”Zed
suggestsbutIshakemyhead.
“No,it’sfine.I’mgoingtogo,actually.”Ilookaroundformywaitresstoask
formycheck.
“Youdidn’tlikethedrink?”Zedasks.
“No,well,Ididn’ttryit.Thanksforgettingitforme,butIshouldgo.”
“Areyouguysfightingagain?”heasks.
Nate begins to say something but Zed shoots him a glare from across the
table.Whatisgoingon?HetakesasipofhisbeerandlooksatNateagain.
“Hesaidwhat?”Iask.
“Nothing,hejustsaidyouguyswereonbettertermsnow.”Zedanswersfor
him.Thesmallbarfeelsevensmallernow,andIamdesperatetoleave.
“Oh,theretheyare!”Natesays.
MyeyesdarttothedoortoseeHardin,Logan,Tristan,Steph,andMolly—I
knewit.Iknowtheyarefriends,andIdon’twanttocomeoffascontrollingor
crazy,butIcan’tstandHardinbeingaroundthatgirl.
WhenHardin’seyesmeetminehelookssurprisedandalmostafraid.Notthis
again.Thewaitresswalksbywhiletheymaketheirwaytoourtable.
“Could I just get my food to go, and get the check, please?” I ask her. She
looks surprised, and then looks around at everybody who just showed up and
nods,thengoesbacktothekitchen.
“Whyareyougoing?”Stephasks.Thefiveofthemsitatthetablenexttous.
IrefusetoallowmyselftolookoveratHardin.Ihatethewayheissodifferent
around his friends—why can’t he just be the same Hardin that I had all
weekend?
“I...well,Ihavetostudy,”Ilie.
Shesmileshopefully.“Youshouldstay—youstudytoomuch!”
AnyhopethatHardinwouldscoopmeintohisarmsandtellmehehasmissed
meisgone.Thewaitressshowsupwithmyfood,andIhandheratwenty,then
standuptoleave.
“Well, you guys have a good night,” I tell them. I look at Hardin and then
backatthefloor.
“Wait,”Hardinsays.Iturnaroundandlookathim.Pleasedon’tlethimmake
aruderemarkorkissMollyagain.
“Aren’tyougoingtogivemeagood-nightkiss?”Hesmiles.
I look around at his friends and they all look a little surprised but mostly
confused. “W-what?” I stammer. I straighten my shoulders and look at him
again.
“You’renotgoingtokissmebeforeyougo?”Hestandsupandwalkstoward
me.Iwantedthis,butnowIamuncomfortablewitheveryone’seyesonus.
“Um...”Idon’tknowwhattosay.
“Whywouldshe?”Mollylaughs.God,Ican’tstandher.
“Theyareliketogether,obviously,”Stephtellsher.
“What?”Mollysays.
“Keepyourmouthshut,Molly,”ZedsaysandIwanttothankhim,butthereis
something behind his voice that makes me wonder about his choice of words.
Thisisbeyonduncomfortable.
“Bye,guys,”Isayagainandwalktowardthedoor.
Hardin follows me and grabs my wrist to stop me. “Why are you leaving?
Andwhyareyoueveninthisplacetobeginwith?”
“Well,Iwashungryandcameheretoeat.AndnowI’mleavingbecauseyou
wereignoringmeandI—”
“I wasn’t ignoring you, I just didn’t know what to say or do. I wasn’t
expectingtoseeyouhere.Itcaughtmeoffguard,”heexplains.
“Yeah,Iamsureitdid.Youhaven’ttextedmealldayandnowyou’rehere
withMolly?”MyvoicecomesoutmuchwhinierthanIwanted.
“AndLogan,Tristan,andSteph.NotjustMolly,”hepointsout.
“Iknow...butyouguyshaveahistoryandthatbothersme.”Isurelybroke
therecordforthequickestjealousfit.
“It’sjustthat,babe:history.Itwasn’tlikethis...notlikeus,”hesays.
Isigh.“Iknow,Ijustcan’thelpit.”
“Iknow.HowdoyouthinkIfeltwhenIwalkedinthereandsawyousitting
withZed?”
“That’snotthesamething.YouandMollyhaveslepttogether.”Justsayingit
stings.
“Tess...”
“Iknow,it’scrazy,butIcan’thelpit.”Ilookaway.
“It’snotcrazy.Iunderstand.Ijustdon’tknowwhattodoaboutit.Mollyisin
ourgroupandsheprobablyalwayswillbe.”
Idon’tknowwhatIexpectedhimtosaybuttheequivalentof“toobad”isn’t
whatIwantedtohear.“Okay.”Ishouldbehappythathebasicallytoldeveryone
wearedatingnow,butthewholethingfeltsooff.
“I’mgoingtogo,”Itellhim.
“ThenI’mcomingwithyou.”
“Yousureyouwanttoleaveyourfriends?”Isnap.
Herollshiseyesandfollowsmetomycar.Itrytohidemysmileaswegetin
thecar.AtleastIknowhewouldratherbewithmethanMolly.
“SohowlongwereyoutherebeforeIarrived?”HardinasksasIpulloutof
theparkinglot.
“Abouttwentyminutes.”
“Oh.Youdidn’tmeetZedthere,didyou?”
“No.ItwasthelastplaceopentoeatIcouldfind.Ihadnoideahewasthere
—orthatyouwouldshowup.Youknow,becauseyounevertextedme.”
“Oh,”hesaysandpausesforabeat.Butthenhelooksoveratmeagain.“So
whatdidyouguystalkabout?”
“Nothing; he was only at the table for a few minutes before you got there.
Why?”
“I’mjustwondering.”Hisfingersdrumonhisknee.“Imissedyoutoday.”
“Imissedyou,too,”Isayaswepullontocampus.“Igotalotofhomework
doneandIpreparedeverythingformyfirstdayatVance.”
“Doyouwantmetodriveyoutomorrow?”
“No,that’swhyIgotmyowncar,remember?”Ilaugh.
“Still,Icoulddriveyou,”heoffersaswegettomydormandheadinside.
“No,it’sfine.Iwilldrivemyself.Thankyou,though.”
JustasIamabouttoaskhimwhathedidallday—whyhehadn’ttextedmeif
he missed me so much—my breath gets locked in my throat and panic takes
over.
Mymotherisstandinginfrontofmydoorwithherarmscrossedandadeep
scowlonherface.
chapterseventy-four
Hardin’seyesfollowmineandwidenasheseesher.Hereachesformyhand,
butIpullawayandstepoutinfrontofhim.“Hi,Moth—”
“Whatthehellareyouthinking!”sheyellsasweapproach.
Iwanttoshrinkanddisappear.
“I...what?”Idon’tknowwhatsheknowsyet,soIstayquiet.Inheranger,
herblondhairlooksbrighter,moreangledtowardherperfectlydrawn-onface.
“Whatareyouthinking,Theresa!Noahhasbeenavoidingmeforthelasttwo
weeks,andIfinallyranintoMrs.Porteratthegrocery—andyouknowwhatshe
toldme?Thatyoutwohavebrokenup!Whywouldn’tyoutellme?Ihadtofind
outinthemosthumiliatingway!”sheshouts.
“It’s notthatbigadeal,Mother. Webrokeup,”Isayandshegasps. Hardin
staysbehindme,butIfeelhishandgotothesmallofmyback.
“Notthat big a deal? Howdare you—youand Noah have been togetherfor
years. He is good for you, Tessa. He has a future, and comes from a great
family!”Shepausestocatchherbreathamoment,butIdon’tinterrupt,knowing
there’smoretocome.Shestraightensupandsaysascalmlyasshecan,“Luckily,
I have just spoken to him and he has agreed to take you back, despite your
promiscuousbehavior.”
Angerflaresinsideme.“HowdareI?IfIdon’twanttodatehim,Idon’thave
to.Whatdoesitmatterwhattypeoffamilyhecomesfrom?IfIwasn’thappy
withhim,thatiswhatshouldmatter.Howdareyoutalktohimaboutthis—Iam
anadult!”
I push past her to open the door. Hardin follows close behind me and my
motherstormsinafter.
“You have no idea how ridiculous you sound! And then you show up here
with...this...this...punk!Lookathim,Tessa!Isthisyourwayofrebelling
againstme?HaveIdonesomethingtomakeyouhateme?”
Hardin is standing by my dresser with his jaw clenched and hands shoved
deep in his pockets. If only she knew that Hardin’s father is the chancellor at
WCUandhasevenmoremoneythanNoah’sfamily.ButIwon’ttell her that,
becausethathasnothingtodowithit.
“Thisisn’taboutyou!Whydoyouhavetomakeeverythingaboutyou!”My
tearsarefightingtobreakfree,butIrefusetolethergetthebestofme.Ihate
thatwhenIamangryIcry;itmakesmeseemweak,butIcan’thelpit.
“You’reright,itisn’taboutme—it’saboutyourfuture!Youhavetothinkof
thefuture,notjusthowyou’refeelingnow.Iknowheseemsfunanddangerous,
but there is no future here!” She gestures to Hardin. “Not with him . . . this
freak!”
BeforeI realize whatIam doing,I am inmy mothersfaceand Hardin has
steppedforward,grabbingmebytheelbowstopullmeawayfromher.“Donot
talkabouthimlikethat!”Iscream.
My mothers eyes are wide and red-rimmed. “Who are you? My daughter
wouldneverspeaktomethisway!Shewouldneverjeopardizeherfutureorbe
sodisrespectful!”
I begin to feel guilty, but that’s exactly what she wants, and I have to fight
throughittodefendwhatIwant.“Iamnotjeopardizingmyfuture!Myfuture
isn’t even in question here, I’ll have a four-point-oh, and I have a great
internship starting tomorrow! You are beyond selfish to come here and try to
makemefeelbadforbeinghappy.Hemakesmehappy,Mother,andifyoucan’t
acceptthat,thenyoushouldgo.”
“Excuseme?”Shehuffs,butintruthI’massurprisedbywhatIjustsaidas
sheis.“Youwillregretthis,Theresa!Iamdisgustedtoevenlookatyou!”
Theroomstartsspinning.Iwasnotpreparedtogotowarwithmymother,not
todayatleast.Iknewitwouldbeamatteroftimebeforeshefoundout,butshe
wasn’tevenonmyradarfortoday.
“IknewsomethingwasgoingonfromthefirsttimeIsawhiminyourroom.I
justdidn’tthinkyouwouldbesoquicktoopenyourlegsforhim!”
Hardinstepsbetweenus.“You’retakingthistoofar,”hewarnsherwithdark
eyes.IthinkHardinmaybetheonlypersonwhocouldactuallygivemymother
arunforhermoney.
“You stay out of this!” she snaps, crossing her arms once again. “If you
continuetoseehim,Iwillnolongerspeaktoyou,andyousurelycan’tpayfor
collegeonyourown.Thisdormalonecostsmethousands!”sheshrieks.
I’m astounded that my mother would go there. “You’re threatening my
educationbecauseyoudon’tapproveofwhoIaminlovewith?”
“Inlovewith?”shescoffs.“OhTheresa,mynaïveTheresa,youhavenoidea
whatloveis.”Shelaughs,makingasoundthatismorelikeasickeningcackle.
“Andyouthinkhelovesyou?”
“Idoloveher,”Hardininterrupts.
“Sureyoudo!”Herheadfallsback.
“Mother.”
“Theresa, I’m warning you: If you don’t stop seeing him, there will be
consequences.I’mleavingnow,butIexpect a callafteryou clear yourhead.”
She storms out of my room, and I go into the doorway to watch her as she
stompsaway,herheelsclunkingandechoingdownthehall.
“Iamsosorry.”IturntoHardin.
“You have nothing to apologize for.” He takes my face in his hands. “I am
proudofthewayyoustoodupforyourself.”Hekissesmynose.Ilookaround
theroomandwonderjusthoweverythingcametothis.IleanintoHardin’schest
andhereachesaroundme,rubbingthetensemusclesonmyneck.
“Ican’tbelieveher,Ican’tbelieveshewouldactlikethatandthreatennotto
help pay for my college. She doesn’t pay for all of it—I have a partial
scholarshipandsome studentloans.Sheonly pays twentypercent;the biggest
thingisthedorms.Butwhatifshereallystopspayingforthem?Iwillhaveto
finda job on top ofthe internship,”I sob. His hand movesto the back of my
headandgentlyguidesmyheaddowntocryonhischest.
“Shh...Shh...It’sokay,wewillfigureitout.Youcanmoveinwithme,”
hesays.Ilaughand wipemyeyes,buthegoeson,“Really,youcould.Orwe
couldgetanapartmentoffcampus.Ihaveenoughmoney.”
Ilookupathim.“Youcan’tbeserious.”
“Iam.”
“Wecan’tmoveintogether.”Ilaughandsniffle.
“Whynot?”
“Becausewehaveonlyknowneachotherforafewmonths,andmostofthat
timewasspentfighting,”Iremindhim.
“So,wehavedoneaprettygoodjobgettingalongthisweekend.”Hesmiles
andwebothburstintolaughter.
“You’re insane. I am not moving in with you,” I tell him and he hugs me
again.
“Just think about it—I want to move out of the frat house anyway. I don’t
really fit in there, in case you didn’t notice,” he says and laughs. It’s true, his
smallgroupoffriendsaretheonlyoneswhodon’twearpoloshirtsandkhakis
everyday.“Ionlyjoinedtopissmyfatheroff,butitdidn’tworkaswellasIhad
hoped.”
“Youcouldjustgetanapartmentonyourownifyoudislikethehouse,”Isay.
ThereisnowayIammovinginwithhimthissoon.
“Yeah,butthatwouldn’tbeasfun.”Hegrinsandwiggleshisbrowsatme.
“Wecouldstillhavefun,”Itease.
His wicked smile grows and he brings both hands down to my bottom and
squeezes.
“Hardin!”Iscoldhimplayfully.
Thedooropensandmybreathingstops.Flashbacksofmymothersangerfill
myvision,andI’mafraidshe’scomebackforroundtwo.
SoI’mrelievedwhenit’sStephandTristanwhowalkintotheroom.
“Guess I missed something grand. Your mom just flipped me off in the
parkinglot,”Stephsays,andIcan’thelpbutlaugh.
chapterseventy-five
Hardin ends up staying the night in my room after Steph goes to Tristan’s
apartmentwith him. Therest ofthe night wespend talkingand kissingbefore
Hardinfinallyfallsasleepwithhisheadonmylap.Idreamofatimeandplace
wherewecouldactuallylivetogether.Iwouldlovetowakeupeverymorningto
findHardinnexttome,butit’snotrealistic.I’mtooyoung,andthat’smoving
toofast.
Monday morning, my alarm goes off ten minutes late, throwing my whole
morningoff.AfterIshoweranddomymakeupquickly,IwakeHardinbefore
plugginginmyblowdryer.
“Whattimeisit?”hegroans.
“It’ssixthirty.Ihavetoblow-drymyhair.”
“Sixthirty?Youdon’thavetobethereuntilnine;comebacktobed.”
“No,Istillhavetodomyhairandgetcoffee.Ihavetoleaveherebyseven
thirty;thedriveisforty-fiveminutes.”
“You’dbethereforty-fiveminutesearly;youshouldleaveateight.”Hecloses
hiseyesandrollsbackover.
Iignorehimandturnonmyblowdryer;hetakesapillowandcovershishead
withit.Aftercurlingmyhair,IgoovermyplanneragaintomakesureIdidn’t
missanything.
“Areyougoingtojustgotoclassfromhere?”IaskHardinasIgetdressed.
“Yeah, probably.” He smiles and crawls out of bed. “Can I use your
toothbrush?”
“Uh,Iguess...I’lljustbuyanewoneonmywayback.”Noonehasever
asked to use my toothbrush before. I mentally picture myself putting it in my
mouthafterheusesit,butnothinggoodcomesofthat.
“Istillsayyoushouldn’tleaveuntileight;thinkofthethingswecoulddoin
thirtyminutes,”hesays, andIlookoverathimandhistemptingdimples,and
noticethewayhiseyestravelupanddownmybody.Myowneyestraveltothe
bulge in his boxers and my body immediately heats. My fingers stop on the
middlebuttonofmyshirtashelazilycrossesthesmallroomtostandbehindme.
Igestureforhimtozipmyskirt,andhecomplies,buthishandsbrushmybare
skindelicatelyashedoesso.
“Ihaveto.Istillhavetogetsomecoffee,”Isayfrantically.“Whatifthereis
traffic?Anaccident?Icouldblowatireorneedgas.Icouldgetlost,ornotbe
abletofindsomewheretopark.WhatifIhavetoparkintheverybackandthen
I have to walk a long way and I will be out of breath, so I will need a few
minutesto—”
“You need to calm down, baby. You’re a nervous wreck.” He sends a little
breathacrossmyear.Ilookathiminthemirror.Helookssoperfectwhenhe
wakesup,hissleepinessmakinghimlooksofter.
“Ican’thelpit;thisinternshipmeanssomuchtome.Ican’ttakethechanceof
messingitup.”Mymindisracing.Iwillbefineaftertoday,afterIknowwhatto
expectandcanplanmyweekaccordingly.
“Youdon’twanttoshowuptherenervouslikethis;theywilleatyoualive.”
Heplacesastringofsmallkissesdownmyneck.
“Iwill befine.” I hope. Goose bumps cover my skin from his warm breath
againstmyneck.
“Letmerelaxyoufirst.”Hisvoiceislowandseductive,lacedwithsleep.
“I...”
Hetrailshisfingersovermycollarboneanddowntomychest.Hiseyesmeet
mine in the mirror and I sigh in defeat. “Five minutes?” I ask and beg at the
sametime.
“That’sallIneed.”
Imovetoturnaround,buthestopsme.“No,Iwantyoutowatch,”hepurrsin
myear.Ifeelthefamiliartwingebetweenmylegsfromhiswords.Igulpandhe
moves my hair over my left shoulder and pushes his body against mine. His
handtravelsdowntothehemofmylongskirt.
“Atleastyouaren’twearingtightstoday.ImustsayIamafanofthisskirt.”
Hepullsituptomywaist.“Especiallywhenit’slikethis.”
Myeyesaregluedtohishandsinthemirrorandmypulseisthrumming.His
fingersareslightlycoldastheyslipintomypanties;thecontactmakesmejump
slightly and he chuckles into my neck. His other hand is wrapped around my
chest,holdingmeinplace.Ifeelsoexposed,butsoturnedonatthesametime.
Watching him touch me takes my mind places that I never knew existed. His
fingersmoveslowlyinsidemeandhekissesmynecksoftly.
“Lookhowbeautifulyouare,”hewhispersagainstmyskin.Ilookatmyself
inthemirrorandbarelyrecognizethegirlbeforeme.Mycheeksareflusheda
deepred;myeyesarewideandwild.Withmyskirtbunchedupatmyhipsand
Hardin’sfingersmovinginsideme,Ilookdifferent...sexy,even.
My eyes close as I feel my stomach tightening. Hardin continues his
beautifully slow assault and I pull my bottom lip between my teeth to stifle a
moan.
“Open your eyes,” he instructs. My eyes meet his and it sends me over the
edge—Hardinstandingbehindme,holdingme,watchingmecomeundonefrom
histouchisallittakes.Myheadrollsbackonhisshoulderandmylegsstartto
shake.
“That’sit,baby,”hecoosandtightenshisgriparoundme,holdingmeupas
myvisionblursandImoanhisname.
Whenmyeyesopenagain,Hardinkissesmytempleandtucksacurlbehind
myearbeforetuggingmyskirtbackdownmythighs.Iturnaroundtofacehim
andchecktheclock.It’sonlyseventhirty-five.
Hereallydidonlyneedfiveminutes,Ithinktomyselfandsmile.
“See, you’re much more relaxed and ready to take on corporate America,
right?”Hebeams,obviouslyproudofhimself.Idon’tblamehim.
“Yes,actually.ButyoumakeaterribleAmerican,”Iteaseandgrabmybag.
“I don’tclaim to be otherwise,” he says. “Last chance for me to drive you.
Well,sincemycarisn’there,Icoulddriveyouinyourcar?”
“No;thankyou,though.”
“Goodluck;you’lldogreat.”
HekissesmeagainandIthankhimandgathermythings,leavinghiminmy
room. This morning has turned out to be great despite my alarm being ten
minutesoff.Thedriveisquickandclear,sowhenIpullintotheparkinglotit’s
onlyeightthirty.IdecidetocallHardintopassthetime.
“Youokay?”hesaysontheotherend.
“Yeah,I’malreadyhere,”Itellhim.Icanpicturehisself-satisfiedexpression.
“Toldyou.Youcouldhavestayedfortenmoreminutesandgivenmeablow
job.”
Igiggle.“Alwayssuchapervert,eventhisearlyinthemorning.”
“Yep,Iamnothingbutconsistent.”
“Iwon’targuewiththat.”Webanterbackandforthabout hislackofvirtue
until it’s time for me to go inside. I make my way to the top floor, where
ChristianVance’sofficeislocated,andgivethewomaninthefrontmyname.
She gives someone a call and a few moments later gives me a huge smile.
“Mr.Vancewouldliketocomeouthimself;hewillseeyouinasecond.”
The door to the office I was interviewed in opens, and Mr. Vance himself
comesout.“Ms.Young!”hegreetsme.HeisdressedinsuchanicesuitthatI’m
a little intimidated, but thankful that I dressed professionally. He is holding a
thickfolderunderhisarm.
“Hello,Mr.Vance.”Ismileandreachouttoshakehishand.
“GoaheadandcallmeChristian.Iwillshowyoutoyouroffice.”
“Office?”Iblurtout.
“Yes,youwillneedyourownspace.It’snotmuch,butit’llbeyours.Let’sgo
overyourpaperworkthere.”HesmilesandthenwalksoffsoquicklythatIstrain
tokeepupinmyheels.Hemakesaleftturnintoahallwayfullofsmalloffices.
“Hereweare,”heannounces.Thereisablacktagwithmynameinboldwhite
lettersnexttothedoor.
Imustbedreaming.Theofficeisasbigasmydormroom.Mr.VanceandI
havedifferentideasof“notmuch.”Inside,thereisamedium-sizedcherrydesk,
two filing cabinets, two chairs, a bookshelf, a computer—and a window! He
takesaseatinfrontofthedesk,soIgoandsitbehindit.It’sgoingtotakesome
gettingusedtotheideathatthisisactuallymyoffice.
“So,Ms.Young,let’sgooverwhatyourdutieswillinclude,”hesays.“You
willbeexpectedtogooveratleasttwomanuscriptsaweek;iftheyareexcellent
and fit in with what we publish here, then you will send them to me. If they
aren’tworthmelookingat,tossthem.”
Mymouthfallsopen.Thisinternshipisliterallyadreamcometrue.Iwillbe
paidandreceivecollegecredittoread.
“You will start out at two hundred a week, and if you do well after ninety
days,youwillreceivearaise.”
Twohundredaweek!Thatshouldbeenoughformetogetmyownapartment,
albeitatinyone.
“Thankyousomuch;thisisallsomuchmorethanIexpected,”Itellhim.I
can’twaittocallHardinandtellhimaboutallofthis.
“It’smypleasure.Ihaveitongoodauthoritythatyouareaveryhardworker.
MaybeyoucaneventellHardinhowgreatitis,sohe’llcomebackandworkfor
meagain,”hesaysjokingly.
“What?”
“Hardin,heusedtoworkforusbeforeBolthousesnatchedhimup.Hestarted
as an intern here last year, did great work, and I quickly hired him. But they
offeredhimmoremoney—andlethimworkfromhome.Saidhedidn’tlikethe
officesetting,soheleftus.Gofigure.”Hesmilesandadjustshiswatch.
Ilaughnervously.“I’llremindhimhowgreatthisplaceis.”Ihadnoideahe
hadajob.Hehasnevermentionedittome.
Mr. Vanceslidesthefolderacrossthedesktome.“Let’sgetthispaperwork
outoftheway.”
Afterthirtyminutesof“signhere”and“initialhere,”wearefinallyfinished
andMr.Vanceleavesmeto“familiarize”myselfwiththecomputerandoffice.
Butassoonashewalksoutandclosesthedoorbehindhim,allIcanthinkto
doissquealandspinmyselfaroundinmychair,atmydesk,inmynewoffice!
chapterseventy-six
WhenIgetbacktomycarafterthebestfirstdaypossible,IcallHardin,buthe
doesn’tanswer.Iwanttotellhimabouthowgreatmymorninghasbeenandask
himwhyhedidn’ttellmethathehasajoborworkedatVance.
BythetimeIgetbacktocampusit’sonlyone,sincetheydismissedmeearly,
being busy with some high-level meetings or something. I basically have the
wholedaytodonothing,soIendupgoingtothemallandwalkingaround.After
wanderinginandoutofalmosteverystorethere,IgointoNordstrom,figuringI
coulduseafewmoreoutfitsformyinternship.ThememoryofHardinandmein
themirrorthismorningflashesinmymind,andIrealizeIcouldalsousesome
new panties and bras. My undergarments are so plain and I have had them a
while.Hardindoesn’tseemtomind,butIwouldlovetoseehisfaceifItookmy
shirtoffandhadabrathatwasn’tplainoldblackorwhite.Ipickthroughthe
racksandfindafewpromisingsets.Myfavoriteoneiscarnationpinkandmade
almostcompletelyfromlace.Pullingitoffoftherackalonemakesmeblush,but
I really like it. A saleswoman with curly hair and way too much red lipstick
walksovertotrytohelpme.
“Oh yeah, that’s nice, but what do you think about this one?” she says and
holdsupsomethingthatresemblesahotpinkbundleofstringsonahanger.
“Um...notreallymystyle,”Itellherandlookattheground.
“Iseeyoupreferthefullunderwear?”sheasks.Whymustweactuallydiscuss
myunderwearchoices?Thiscouldnotbemorehumiliating.
“Youshouldtrytheboyshortstyle;it’ssexywithoutbeingtoosexy,”shesays
and holds up the same light pink set I am holding, only the panties are made
differently.Boyshorts.Inevercaredtoomuchaboutmypantiesbecausenoone
hasseenthem;whoknewthiswouldbesohumiliatingandcomplicated.
“Okay.”Igiveinandshepullsafewmoreofftherack:awhite,ablack,anda
red set. The red is a little shocking to me, but I have to admit it’s intriguing.
Eventheblackandwhiteoneslookmoreexoticthanmyusualchoicesbecause
theyaremadeoflace.
Her smile is a wide and scary chasm. “Just try them; they are all the exact
samestyle.”Inodpolitelyandtakethemfromher,hopingthatifIwalkaway
shewon’tfollowme.Relievedwhenshedoesn’t,Ifindafewdressesaswelland
a pair of comfortable dress shoes. I have to ask the cashier to repeat my total
threetimesbeforeIfinallypay.FancyunderwearismuchmoreexpensivethanI
thought.Hardinhadbetterlikeit.
When I get back to my room, Steph isn’t there and I haven’t heard from
Hardin,soIdecidetotakeanap.MynewclothesareputawayandIshutoffthe
light.
I wake up to an unfamiliar ringtone. I roll over and open my eyes. Sure
enough,HardinissittingonthechairwithhisfeetuponSteph’sdresser.
“Haveanicenap?”heaskswithasmile.
“Yeah,actually.Howdidyougetinhere?”Irubmyeyes.
“GotmykeybackfromSteph.”
“Oh.Howlonghaveyoubeenhere?”
“Aboutthirtyminutes.HowwasyourdayatVance?Ididn’tthinkyouwould
bebackalready;it’sonlysix.Buthereyouarepassedout,snoringaway,soit
musthavefeltlikealongone.”Helaughs.
Ipropmyselfuponmyelbowandlookathim.“Itwasgreat.Igotmyown
office,withmynameonthewalloutsideit—Ican’tbelieveit!It’swonderful.I
willbemakingalotmoremoneythanIthought,andIgettoreadmanuscripts;
howperfectisthat?I’mjustafraidthatIwillmessitupsomehowbecauseit’sso
perfect.Youknow?”Iramble.
“Whoa, Vance must like you.” He raises a brow. “But you’ll do fine, don’t
worry.”
“Hesaidyouworkedthere,”Itellhim,testinghisreaction.
“Ofcoursehedid.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? Or that you have a job now? When do you even
havetimetowork?”
“You always have so many questions.” He runs his hands through his hair.
“ButIwillanswerthem,”headds.“Ididn’ttellyoubecause,well,Idon’tknow
why,actually.AndImaketimetowork.WheneverIamnotwithyou,Ifindthe
time.”
Isitcross-leggedandfacehim.“Mr.Vancereallylikesyou—hesaidhewants
youtoworkforhimagain.”
“Iamsurehedoes,butno,thanks.ImakemorethanIdidthereandhaveless
work,”hebragsandIrollmyeyes.
“Tellmeaboutyourjob.Whatexactlydoyoudo?”
He shrugs. “Read manuscripts, edit them. Same thing you’ll do, but more
involved.”
“Oh.Doyoulikeit?”
“Yes,Tessa.Ido.”Histoneisalittleharsh.
“That’s good. Do you want to work for a publishing house when you
graduate?”
“Idon’tknowwhatIwanttodo.”Herollshiseyes.
“DidIsaysomething?”Iask.
“No,youjustasktoomanyquestionsallthetime.”
“What?”Ishebeingsarcasticorserious?
“Youdon’tneedtoknoweverydetailaboutmylife,”hesnaps.
“Iamjustmakingconversation,havingacasualdiscussionaboutyourjob,”I
say.“Thosearejustnormalthingspeopledo—sorryfortakinganinterestinyour
everydaylife.”
Hedoesn’tsayanything.Whatthehellishisproblem?Ihadanamazingday
and the last thing I want to do is fight with him. I direct my attention to the
ceilingandstayquietaswell.EventuallyIlearnthereareninety-fivepanelsup
there,andfortyscrewsholdingthemup.
“Ineedtotakeashower,”Ifinallysay.
“Sogo,then,”hehuffs.
Irollmyeyesandgrabmytoiletrybag.“Youknow,Ithoughtwewerepast
this,thewholeyou-being-an-asshole-for-no-reasonthing?”Isayandwalkoutof
theroom.
Itakemytimeintheshower,shavingandreshavingmylegsforthedressthat
IboughttoweartomorrowformyfirstrealdayatVance.Iambeyondnervous,
butmyexcitement tops everything.Ireallywish Hardinwasn’tbeing sorude.
AllIdidwasaskhimaboutajobthathedidn’ttellmeabout.Ishouldbeableto
talktohimaboutthat,butthere’sjustsomuchabouthimthatIdon’tknow,and
itmakesmereallyuncomfortable.
Itrytofigureouthowtoexplainthattohim,butwhenIgetbacktomyroom,
Hardin’sgone.
chapterseventy-seven
IambeyondannoyedatHardin’sunnecessaryattitude,butItrytoforgetitand
brushthetanglesoutofmywethairandputonthelightpinklingerieIbought
today.IslipaT-shirtovermyheadandlookovermystufffortomorrow.AllI
canthinkaboutiswherehewent;IknowI’mobsessiveandalittlecrazy,butI
can’thelpworryingthathe’swithMolly.
WhiledecidingwhetherornottocallHardin,Ireceiveatextmessagefrom
Steph saying that she won’t be back tonight. She might as well move in with
TristanandNate;shestaystherefivenightsaweekandTristanabsolutelyadores
her. He probably told her about his job on their second date and he probably
wouldn’tsnapatherandleavefornoreason.
“Lucky Steph,” I say to myself and grab the remote for her television. My
fingerspressthebuttonsabsentmindedlyandIsettleonarerunofFriendsthatI
haveseenatleastonehundredtimes.Ican’trememberthelasttimeIwatched
television,butit’snicetojustlieinbedandwatchasimplecomedy,toescape
fromthemostrecentpointlessfightwithHardin.
Aftera few episodes of various shows, Ifeel myeyes getting heavy.In my
sleepystatemyangermomentarilydisappearsandItextHardingoodnight,but
hedoesn’treplybeforesleepovertakesme.
“Shit.”Aloudthudwakesmeup.Ijoltuprightandturnonthelamptofinda
stumblingHardintryingtonavigatethedarkroom.
“Whatareyoudoing?”Iaskhim.
Whenhelooksupatmehiseyesareredandglossy.Heisdrunk.Great.
“Icameheretoseeyou,”hesaysandplopsdowninthechair.
“Why?”Iwhine.Iwanthimhere,butnotdrunkandattwointhemorning.
“BecauseImissedyou.”
“Thenwhydidyouleave?”
“Becauseyouwereannoyingme.”
Ouch. “Okay, I’m going back to sleep; you’re drunk and you’re obviously
goingtobemeanagain.
“I’m not being mean, Tessa. And I’m not drunk . . . okay . . . I am, but so
what?”
“Idon’tcarethatyouaredrunk,butit’saschoolnightandIneedmysleep.”I
wouldstayupallnightwithhimifIknewhewouldn’tsayhurtfulthingstome
theentiretime.
“It’s a school night,” he mocks me. “Could you be more of a square?” He
laughslikehe’sjustsaidthefunniestthingever.
“Youshouldjustgo,”Isayandliebackdown,turningtofacethewall.Idon’t
likethisHardin.IwantmysemisweetHardinback.Notthisdrunkjerk.
“Aww,baby,don’tbemadatme,”hesays,butIignorehim.“Doyoureally
wantmetogo?YouknowwhathappenswhenIsleepwithoutyou,”hesays,just
aboveawhisper.
Myheartsinks.Idoknowwhathappens,butit’snotfairforhimtousethat
againstmewhenhe’sdrunkandtauntingme.
“Fine.Youcanstay,butI’mgoingbacktosleep.”
“Why?Youdon’twanttohangoutwithme?”
“Youaredrunkandbeingmean.”Ifinallyturnbackaroundtofacehim.
“I’m not being mean,” he says, his expression neutral. “All I said was you
werebeingannoying.”
“That’ssortofmeantosaytosomeone.EspeciallywhenallIdidwasaskyou
aboutyourjob.”
“Oh God, not this again. Come on, Tessa, just drop it. I don’t want to talk
aboutthatrightnow.”Hisvoiceiswhinyandheslurshiswords.
“Whydidyoudrinktonight?”Idon’tmindifhedrinks;Iamnothismother,
andhe’sanadult.Thethingthatbothersmeisthateverytimehedrinksthereisa
reasonbehindit.Hedoesn’tjustdrinkforfun.
Helooksawayfrommeandtowardthedoorasifplanninganescape.“I...I
don’tknow...Ijustfeltlikehavingadrink...well,drinks.Canyouplease
stopbeingmadatme?Iloveyou,”hesaysandbringshiseyestomeetmine.
His simple words dissolve most of my anger and I find myself wanting his
armsaroundme.
“I’mnotmadatyou,Ijustdon’twanttobacktrackinourrelationship.Idon’t
like when you turn on me for no reason, then just leave. If you’re mad about
something,Iwantyoutotalktomeaboutit.”
“Youjustdon’tliketonothavecontrolovereverything,”hesaysandwobbles
alittle.
“Excuseme?”
“You’reacontrolfreak.”Heshrugsasifit’saknownfact.
“No,I’mnot.Ijustlikethingsacertainway.”
“Yeah,yourway.”
“SoIguesswearen’tdonefighting,then.Anythingelseyouwanttothrowin
therewhileyou’reareit?”Isnap.
“Nope,justthatyou’reacontrolfreakandIreallywantyoutomoveinwith
me.”
What?Hismoodsgivemewhiplash.
“Youshouldmoveinwithme—Ifoundanapartmenttoday.Ihaven’tsigned
anythingyet,butit’saniceplace.”
“When?”It’shardtokeepupwiththefivepersonalitiesofHardinScott.
“AfterIlefthere.”
“Beforeyougotdrunk?”Iask.
Herollshiseyes.Thelightfromthelamphitsthemetalofhiseyebrowring,
andIfighttoignorehowattractivethatis.
“Yes,beforeIgotdrunk.Sowhatdoyousay?Areyougoingtomoveinwith
me?”
“Iknowyouarenewatthisdatingthing,butpeopledon’tusuallyinsulttheir
girlfriendand ask them to move in with them in the samesentence,” I inform
him,chewingmybottomliptosuppressmysmile.
“Well, sometimes the said girlfriend needs to lighten up.” He grins. Even
drunk,he’scharmingashell.
“Well,thensaidboyfriendneedstostopbeingajerk,”Isaytoretaliate.
Helaughsandmovesfromthechairovertomybed.“Iamtryingnottobea
jerk,Ireallyam.SometimesIcan’thelpit.”Hesitsontheedgeofthebed.“I’m
really,reallygoodatit!”
“Iknow,”Isigh.Regardlessofthisepisodetonight,Iknowhereallyhasbeen
tryingtobenicer.Idon’twanttomakeexcusesforhim,buthehasdonemuch
betterthanIexpected.
“Soyouwillmoveinwithme?”Hesmileshopefully.
“Jesus,let’stakethisonestepatatime.Iwillstopbeingmadatyoufornow,”
I tell him and sit up. “Now come to bed with me,” I instruct. He raises an
eyebrow as if to say, “See, control freak,” but stands up to pull his jeans off
anyway.Whenheremoveshisshirtheputsitonthebedbeforeme,andIlove
thathewantsmetowearhisshirtsasmuchasIwantto.
Ipullmyshirtofftosliphisovermyheadwhenhestopsme.
“Fuck,”heblurtsout and Ilookup. “What areyouwearing?”His eyes are
darkandwide.
“I...Igotsomenewunderweartoday.”Iflushandlookaway.
“Iseethat...Fuck,”herepeats.
“Youalreadysaidthat.”Igiggle.ThelightinHardin’seyesisblazingforme
—anditmakesmyskintingle.
“Youlookincredible.”Hegulps.“Youalwaysdo,butthisisjust...”
WithadrymouthIlookdowntowherehisboxersstrainagainsthisgrowing
bulge.Theenergybetweenushaschangedforthefifthtimetonight.
“Iwasgoingtoshowyouearlier,butyouweretoobusybeingajerk.”
“Mmm,” he mumbles, clearly not paying attention to what I’m actually
saying. He places his knee on the bed and looks my body up anddown again
beforeclimbingontopofme.
His lips taste like whiskey and mint, and the combination is heavenly. Our
kisses are soft and teasing, coming together and drifting apart, his tongue
playfully gliding over mine. His hand wraps into my hair and I can feel his
erectionpressagainstmystomachashebringshisbodyclosertome.Heletsgo
ofmyhairtoholdhimselfuponhiselbowandusehisotherhandtotouchme.
Hislongfingersrunalongtheundersidesofmylacebra,dippingdowninsideof
itandbackout.Helickshislipsashecupsmewithhislargepalms,rubbingup
anddown.
“Ican’tdecideifIwantthistostayon...”hesays.Icouldn’tcareless;Iam
toomesmerizedbyhisgracefulfingersonmyskin.
“Offitis,”hesaysandunclaspsmybra.Iarchmybackforhimtopullitoff
andhegroansashiscrotchpressesagainstmine.
“Whatdoyouwanttodo,Tess?”Hisvoiceisshakyanduncontrolled.
“Ialreadytoldyoubefore,”Isayashepushesmypantiestotheside.Iwish
hewouldn’thavedrunktonight,butmaybehishalf-drunkenstatewillmakeme
seemlessawkward.
IcryoutashisfingersentermeandIwraponeofmyarmsaroundhim,trying
tograsponto something, anything. Ireachbetween uswith my otherhand to
palmhim.HegroansandIsqueezegentlyandstrokehimlightly.
“You’resure?”hepants.Icanseetheuncertaintyinhiscleargreeneyes.
“Yes,Iam sure. Stopoverthinkingit.”Boy,havethetables turned, thatI’m
theonesayingthistohim.
“Iloveyou.Youknowthat,don’tyou?”
“Yes.”Ipressmylipsagainsthis.“Iloveyou,Hardin,”Isayintohismouth.
Hisfingerscontinuepumpinginandoutslowlyandhismouthmovestomy
neck.Hesucksatmyskinharshly,thenslideshistongueovertheachetosoothe
it.Herepeatsthisoverandover,andmyentirebodyisonfire.
“Hardin . . . I am . . .”I try to say and he quickly pulls his hand from me,
kissing me as I whimper. He scoots back and hooks his fingers around my
panties,pullingthemdownmylegs.Heplacesbothofhishandsonmythighs
and squeezes gently before kissing down my stomach and blowing on my
wetness.My body involuntarilylifts offthe bed and his tonguemoves up and
down while he wraps his arms around my thighs, keeping them apart. Within
secondsmylegsbegintoshakeandIgripthesheetsandhecontinueslapping
histonguearoundme.
“Tellmehowgooditfeels,”hesaysagainstme.
StrangledsoundsescapemylipsasItrytosaysomething,anything.Hardin
continues to say dirty things, licking me between them, forming a delicious
pattern as my body shakes and my toes curl. When I regain consciousness he
bringshismouthbackuptomine,astrangetasteonhislips.Mychestisheaving
andmybreathisstaggered.
“Areyou...”hebegins.
“Shh...Yes,Iamsure,”Itellhimandkisshim,hard.Myhandsclawathis
back,thenpullhisboxersbelowhiships.Hesighsastherestrictiondisappears,
andwebothmoanasourskintouchesagain.
“Tessa,I...”
“Shh...”Itellhimagain.IwantthismorethananythingandIdon’twant
himtokeeptalking.
“But,Tessa,Ineedtotellyousomething...”
“Shh. Hardin, please stop talking,” I beg and kiss him again. I grab his
erectionandslidemyhandupanddownitslength.Hiseyescloseandhesucks
inasharpbreath.InstincttakesovermyactionsandIbrushmythumboverthe
tipofhim,wipingawaythedampnessthereandfeelinghimpulseinmyhand.
“I’mgoingtocomeifyoudothatagain,”hegasps.Suddenlyhepullsupand
jumpsoffthebed.BeforeIcanaskwhereheisgoing,hepullsoutasmallpacket
fromhisjeans.
Oh.Thisisreallyhappening.
IknowIshouldbeafraidornervous,butallIfeelismyloveforhim,andhis
forme.
Theanticipationofwhatiscomingnextfillsmewithwonder,andtimeseems
toslowdownwhileIwaitforhimtoreturntothebed.Ihadalwaysthoughtmy
firsttimewouldbewithNoah,onourweddingnight.Wewouldbeinahugebed
insomefancybungalowonatropicalisland.ButhereIamin mysmalldorm
room,onmysmallbedwithHardin,andIwouldnotchangeasinglethingabout
it.
chapterseventy-eight
Ihaveonlyeverseencondomsinsexedclass,wheretheyseemedsointimating.
Butrighthere,rightnow,IjustwanttoyankitoutofHardin’shandandputiton
himasfastasIcan.IamthankfulthatHardincan’thearmyindecentthoughts,
evenifhiswordsarefardirtierthananythoughtI’veeverhad.
“Are...”Hisvoiceislow.
“IfyouaskifIamsure,Iwillkillyou.”
Hesmilesandlaughs,wavingthecondombetweenhisthumbandforefinger.
“Iwasgoingtosay,areyougoingtohelpmeputthison,orshouldIdoit?”
I bite my lip. “Oh. I want to . . . but you have to show me how,” I say,
realizingthatlearningaboutcondomsinsexedreallydidn’tpreparemeforhow
thismomentfeels,andIdon’twanttomessthisup.
“Okay.”HesitsonthebedandIsitupcross-legged.Stretchingouttome,he
kisses me swiftly on my forehead. When he tears the packet open, I hold my
hand out, but he just chuckles and shakes hishead. “I’ll show you, this way.”
Takingmyhand,hepullsoutthelittlediskandusesourentwinedhandstoplace
thecondomabovehim. It feelsslipperytothe touch. “Nowitgoesdown,” he
says,hischeeks flushed. As bothofour hands slidethecondomover his hard
skin,hiseyesnarrowandhegrowsalittlelarger.
“Thatwasn’tsobadforavirginandadrunk,”Ijoke.
Heraisesaneyebrowatmeandsmiles.Iamgladwearebeingplayfulandnot
sointense;itmakesmelessnervousforwhatisabouttohappen.
“I’mnotdrunk,babe.Ihadafewdrinks,butarguingwithyousoberedmeup,
asusual.”Heflasheshisdimplesandrunshisthumbacrossmybottomlip.
I’m relieved by his answer. It’s not like I want him passing out halfway
throughorpukingonme.Ilaughalittleatmythoughtsandlookathimagain.
Hiseyesareclear,notglazedliketheywereanhourago.
“Nowwhat?”IsaybeforeIcanstopmyself.
He laughs, taking my hand and wrapping it around his length. “Eager?” he
teasesandInod.“Metoo,”headmits,andIlovethefeelofhishardfleshinmy
hand. Shifting his body, he hovers over me. With one knee he parts my legs,
spreadingthemwide,andIfeelhisfingersrubagainstme.
Iwonderifhewillbegentlewithme...Ihopeso.
“You’re soaking wet, so that will make it easier.” He inhales. His lips meet
mine and he kisses me slowly, his tongue teasing mine. His lips seem to be
molded against mine, made just for me. Pulling back slightly, he kisses the
cornersofmymouth,followedbymynose,andthenmylipsagain.Myhands
gotohisbackinadesperateattempttopullhimclosertome.
“Slow,baby,weneedtogoslow,”hewhispersagainstmyearlobe.“It’sgoing
tohurtatfirst,sojusttellmeifyouwantmetostop.Imeanit,okay?”hesays
gentlyandlooksstraightintomyeyes,waitingformyanswer.
“Okay.”Igulp.Ihaveheardthatlosingyourvirginityhurtsbutitcan’tbethat
bad.Ihopenot,atleast.
Hardinkissesmeagain.Ifeelthesilkycondombrushagainstme,causingme
toshudder.Secondslaterhepressesintome...
It’ssuchaforeignfeeling...MyeyesscrewshutandIhearmyselfgasp.
“Youokay?”
I nod and he moves farther into me. I wince at the pinching feeling deep
inside.It’sjustasbadaseveryonesays—ifnotworse.
“Fuck,” Hardin groans. His body is still, unmoving, but it’s still incredibly
uncomfortable.
“CanImove?”Hisvoiceissostrainedandraspy.
“Yeah,”Isay.Thepaincontinues,butHardinkissesmeallover,mylips,my
cheeks,mynose,myneck,andthetearsformingatthecornerofmyeyes.Iput
myfocusonsqueezingHardin’sarmsandfeelinghiswarmtongueonmyneck.
“OhGod,”hemoansandrollshisheadback.“Iloveyou,Iloveyousomuch,
Tess.”Hebreathesagainstmy cheek.Thecomfortofhisvoicemutesmypain
slightly,butitpersistsashishipsslowlyrollagainstmine.
IwanttotellhimhowmuchIlovehim,butIamafraidifItalk,Iwillcry.
“Doyou . . . fuck . . .do you wantme tostop?” he stutters. I canhear the
pleasureandworrybattlinginhisvoice.
I shake my head and watch him in amazement when his eyes close tightly
again.Hisjawisclenchedinconcentration;hishardmusclescontractandpull
beneathhis inkedskin. Thepain almost completelydisappears asI watchhim
comingundone.Hebrushesmycheekbonewithhisfingersandkissesmeagain
beforeburyinghishead in thecrookof my neck.Hisbreathis staggering, hot
andwildagainstmyskin.Bringinghisfacetomine,heopenshiseyes.Iwould
take the pain over and over to be able to feel this way, this deep-seated
connection to Hardin that takes me somewhere I never knew existed. The
emotioninhisbrilliantgreeneyesashelooksintomineunleashesthetearsfrom
myeyes;itsends mereelingoutintotheoblivionandthentethersmebackto
him.IlovehimandIknowwithoutadoubthelovesme.Evenifwedon’tlast
forever, if we end up never speaking again, I will always know that in this
momenthewaseverythingtome.
Icantellthatit’stakingeverythinginhimtocontrolhimself,tokeepthisslow
paceforme,andIlovehimallthemoreforit.Timeslowsandstops,speedsand
stopsagainashemovesinandoutofme.Thesaltytasteofsweatisonhislips
ashekissesme,andIwantmore.IkisshisneckandthespotunderhisearthatI
knowdriveshimcrazy.
Heshiversandmoansmyname.“You’redoingsogood,baby.Iloveyouso
much.”
Itdoesn’thurtanymore,butitisstilluncomfortable,andthereisaslightsting
eachtimehethrustsintome.Mylipsmovetohisneckandmyhandstugathis
hair.
“Iloveyou,Hardin,”Imanagetosay.
Hemoansandbringshisswollenlipstomine.“Oh,baby,Iamgoingtocome.
Okay?”hesaysthroughclenchedteeth.
Inodandkisshisneckagain,suckinggentlyonhisskin.Hardin’seyesnever
leavemineashecomes;promisesofforeverandunconditionallovearemadeas
hetensesandgentlyfallsontome.Icanfeeltheheavythrummingofhisheart
against my chest, and I kiss the top of his dampened hair. His chest stops
heavingandheliftsup,pullingoutofme.Iwinceatthesuddenemptinessashe
pulls the condom off and folds it over and places it on the floor atop the foil
wrapper.
“Areyouokay?Howwasit?Howdoyoufeel?”Hiseyessearchmyfaceand
helooksmorevulnerablethanIthoughtpossible.
“I’mokay,”Iassurehim.Ipressmythighstogethertodulltheache.Icansee
thebloodonmysheets,butIdon’twanttomove.
He wipes his hair away from his forehead. “Was it . . . was it what you
expected?”
“Itwasbetter,”Ianswerhonestly.Evenwiththe pain,thewholeexperience
wasexquisite.Ifindmyselfalreadyfantasizingaboutthenexttime.
“Really?”Hegrins.Inodandheleanscloser,pressinghisforeheadtomine.
“Howwasitforyou?ItwillbebetteronceIhavemore...experience,”Itell
him.
His grin fades and he presses his fingers under my chin, tilting my head to
makemelookathim.“Don’tsaythat;itwasgreat,baby.Itwasbetterthangreat,
itwas...thebest,”hesaysandIrollmyeyes.Iamsurehehasbeenwithfar
bettergirlswhoactuallyknowwhattodoandwhentodoit.
Answering my thoughts, he says, “I didn’t love them. It is a completely
different experience when you love the person. Honestly, Tessa. It’s
incomparable. Please don’t doubt yourself or degrade what we just did.” His
voice is so soft and sincere, I feel my heart swell and I kiss the bridge of his
nose.
He smiles and wraps an arm around my waist, pulling me to his chest. He
smellssogood;evensweatyHardinismyfavoritescent.
“Doesithurt?”Herunshisfingersthroughmyhairandtwirlsapieceoverhis
indexfinger.
“Sortof.”Ilaugh.“I’mafraidtostandup.”
Hesqueezesmetighterandkissesmyshoulder.“I’veneverbeenwithavirgin
before,”hesaysquietly.
I look up at him and his eyes are soft, not mocking in the least. “Oh.” My
mindproducesahundredquestionsabouthisfirsttime.Thewhen,where,who,
and why. But I push those thoughts away—he didn’t love her. He has never
lovedanyonebutme.Idon’tcareaboutthewomeninhispastanymore.They
arejustthat:hispast.Ionlycareaboutthisbeautiful,flawedmanwhojustmade
loveforthefirsttimeinhislife.
chapterseventy-nine
Anhourlater,Hardinasks,“Areyoureadytogetup?”
“IknowIshould,Ijustdon’twantto,”Itellhimandrubmycheekagainsthis
chest.
“Idon’twanttorushyou,butIreallyhavetopiss,”hetellsmeandIlaugh,
climbingoffhimandthebed.
“Ow...”IsaybeforeIcanstopmyself.
“You okay?” he asks for the thousandth time. His hand reaches out to help
steadyme.
“Yeah,justsore.”IcringewhenIlookatmysheets.
Helooksoveratthem.“Yeah,I’lltossthem.”Hepullsthesheetsoffthesmall
bed.
“Notinhere.Stephwillseethem.”
“Okay?Sowhere?”Hebouncesupanddownonhisheels.Hemusthavebeen
holdinghisbladderforawhile.
“Idon’tknow...canyouputtheminaDumpsterorsomethingwhenyou
leave?”
“Who said I was leaving? So, what—you sleep with me and then kick me
out?” His eyes dance with amusement. He grabs his jeans and boxers off the
floorandputsthemon.Igrabhisshirtandholditouttohim.
Ismackhimonthebutt.“Justgopee,andtakethesheetsoutonyourway,
justincase.”Idon’tknowwhyIcaresomuch,butthelastthingIneedisSteph
drillingmeforinformationaboutlosingmyvirginity.
“Sure.Iwon’tlooklikeacreeporanything,carryingbloodysheetstomycar
atnight.”
Iscowlathimandheballsthesheetsupandwalkstothedoor.“Iloveyou,”
hesaysbeforewalkingout.
NowthathehaslefttheroomIhavealittletimetocollectmyself.Iwonderif
I look as good as I feel, which is warm and oddly at peace. The memory of
Hardinhoveringovermewhileheenteredmemakesmystomachclench.NowI
know why people make such a big deal about sex. I really have been missing
out,butIknowthatifmyfirsttimewouldn’thavebeenwithHardin,itwouldn’t
havebeen so amazing.When I lookin the mirror, mymouthfalls open atmy
reflection.Mycheeksareglowing,mylipsareswollen.Isquishmycheeksand
movemyhandsaround;somehowIlookdifferent.It’stheslightestofchanges,
andIcan’tquiteputmyfingeronit,butIlikeit.Itakeasecondtoadmirethe
smallred marksdotted across my breasts. I don’teven remember himmaking
them.Mymindtakesmebacktohimmakinglovetome,hismouthhotandwet
againstmyflesh.Iamsnappedfrommythoughtsbythedooropening,causing
metojumpslightly.
“Admiringyourself?”Hardinsmirksandlocksthedoor.
“No...I...”Idon’tknowwhattosay,sinceI’mjuststandinginfrontofthe
mirrorcompletelynaked,fantasizingabouthislipsonmyskin.
“It’scool,babe,ifIhadyourbodyIwouldstareatmyselfinthemirror,too,”
hesaysandIflush.
“IthinkI’mgoingtotakeashower,”Itellhimwhiletryingmybesttocover
myselfwithmyhands.Idon’twanttowashhisscentoffmybody,butIneedto
washeverythingelseoff.
“I’ll take one, too,” he says. I raise an eyebrow at him and he holds up his
handsmockingly.“Nottogether,Iknow.However...ifwelived togetherwe
could.”
Something has changed in him, too, I can see it. It’s the way his smileis a
littledeeperandhiseyesbrighter.Idon’treckonthatanyoneelsewouldbeable
tospotit,butIknowhimbetterthananyone,despitethemanysecretsofhisthat
Iplantouncover.
“What?”Hecockshisheadtotheside.
“Nothing,Ijustlove you,” Itellhimand his cheeksreddenslightlyand his
facesplitsinto agrin, mirroring mine.Webothseem tobe giddy andhigh on
eachother.Ilovethis.WhenImovetograbmyrobe,hestepsinfrontofme.
“Haveyouatleastthoughtaboutlivingwithme?”heasks.
“Youjustaskedmeyesterday.Icanonlymakeonelife-alteringdecisionata
time.”Ilaugh.
Herubshistemples.“Ijustwanttosignthepaperworksoon.Ihavegottoget
outofthatdamnedfrathouse.”
“Youcouldjustgetitonyourown?”Isuggestagain.
“Iwantittobeours.”
“Why?”
“BecauseI want to spend as much time withyou as I can. Why are you so
hesitant?Isitthemoney?Iwouldpayeverything,ofcourse.”
“Noyouwouldn’t,”Iscoff.“IfIwastoagreetothis,Iwouldcontribute—I’m
notlookingforafreeride.”Ican’tbelieveweareactuallydiscussingthis.
“Thenwhatisit?”
“I don’t know . . . we haven’t known each other that long. I had always
thought I wouldn’t live with anyone else until I was married . . .” I explain.
That’snottheonlyreason;mymotherisahugereason,alongwiththefearof
havingtorelyonsomeoneelse.EvenHardin.That’swhatmymotherdid.She
reliedonmyfathersincomeuntilheleft,andafterthatsheleanedontheslim
possibilityofhisreturn.Shealwaysexpectedhimtocomebackforus,buthe
neverdid.
“Married?That’sanancientideayouhavethere,Tessa.”Hechucklesandsits
downinthechair.
“What’s wrong with marriage?” I ask. “Not between us. Just in general,” I
add.
Heshrugs.“Nothingwrongwithit,it’sjustnotforme.”
This has taken too serious a turn. I don’t want to discuss marriage with
Hardin,butitdoesbothermethathesaysmarriageisn’tforhim.Ihaven’tever
thoughtaboutactuallymarryinghim,it’swaytooearlyforthat.Yearstooearly.
ButIwouldliketheoptioneventually,andwanttobemarriedbythetimeI’m
twenty-fiveandthenhaveatleasttwochildren.Ihavemywholefutureplanned.
Had, my subconscious reminds me. I had everything planned until I met
Hardinandnowmyfutureisconstantlychangingandshifting.
“Thatbothersyou,doesn’tit?”heasks,breakingmythoughts.
HardinandImakinglovehastiedaninvisiblestringbetweenus,unitingour
bodiesandminds.Thechangesinmyplansareforthebetter...right?
“No.”I try tohidethe emotioninmy voice, butit comes outheavy. “Ijust
haveneverheardanyonesayflat-outtheydon’twanttogetmarried.Ithought
that’swhateveryonewants—that’sthecentralpointoflife,right?”
“Notexactly.Ithinkpeoplejustwanttobehappy.ThinkofCatherine;look
whatmarriagebroughtherandHeathcliff.”
Ilove thatwe speak the same narrativelanguage. Thereis noone else who
wouldspeakinthiswaytome,thewaythatIunderstandthebest.
“Theydidn’tmarryeachother—thatwastheproblem,”Isaywithalaugh.I
think back to the time when there had been so many parallels between my
relationshipwithHardin,andCatherine’swithHeathcliff.
“RochesterandJane?”hesuggests.Hardin’smentionofJaneEyrepleasantly
surprisesme.
“You’rejoking,right?Hewascoldandwithholding.HealsoproposedtoJane
withouttellingherthathewasalreadymarriedtothatmadwomanhehadlocked
intheattic.Youaren’tmakingverymanyvalidpointshere,”Isay.
“Iknow.Ijustlovehearingyourambleaboutliteraryheroes.”Hebrushesthe
hairoffhisforehead,andinachildishmoment,Istickmytongueoutathim.
“Sowhatyou’resayingisthatyouwanttomarryme?IcanpromiseyouthatI
havenobat-crazywifehiddeninmyhouse.”Hetakesasteptowardme.There’s
nowife,sure,butit’stheotherthingshehidesthatworriesme.
Myheartisbeatingoutofmychestasheclosesthegapbetweenus.“What?
No, of course not. I was just speaking in terms of all marriage. Not us
specifically.”IamnakedandtalkingtoHardinaboutmarriage.Whatthehellis
happeninginmylife?
“Soyou’resayingyouwouldn’t?”
“No, I wouldn’t. Well, I don’t know—why are we even discussing this?” I
hidemyfaceinhischestandfeelhimshakewithamusement.
“I was just wondering. But now that you’ve presented me with a valid
argument,Imayhavetoreconsidermyno-marriagestance.Youcouldmakean
honestmanoutofme.”
Hesoundsserious,butthereisnowayheis.Right?JustasIbegintoquestion
hissanity,helaughsandkissesmytemple.
“Canwetalkaboutsomethingelse?”Igroan.Losingmyvirginityandtalking
aboutmarriageiswaytoomuchformymushybrain.
“Sure.ButIamnotdroppingtheapartmentthing;youhaveuntiltomorrowto
givemeananswer.Iwon’twaitforever,”hesays.
“Howsweet.”Irollmyeyes.
“Youknowme,Mr.Romantic,”hesaysandkissesmyforehead.“Now,let’s
getashower.Youstandingherenakedmakesmewanttothrowyouonthebed
andfuckyoualloveragain.”
Ishakemyheadandpulloutofhisembracebeforewrappingmyrobearound
mybody.“Areyoucomingorwhat?”Isayandgrabmytoiletrybag.
“I would love to come, but I guess a shower will have to do for now.” He
winksandIswathisarmaswewalkintothehall.
chaptereighty
Bythetimewebothtakeashowerandliebackinbedit’s almostfourinthe
morning.
“Ihavetobeupinanhour,”Igroanagainsthischest.
“Youcouldsleepuntilseventhirtyandstillmakeitontime,”heremindsme.
Rushing my morning doesn’t sound very appealing, but I do need the sleep.
Thankfully,Itookthatnap,soIhopefullywon’tbedeadonmyfeetduringmy
firstdayofactuallyworkingatVance.
“Mmm...”Imumbleagainsthisskin.
“I’llfixyouralarm,”hesaysandIdriftoff.
MYEYESAREBURNINGfromlackofsleepasItrytocurlmyunrulyhair.I
line my watery eyes with brown eyeliner and put on my new ruby dress. The
neckline is square and just low enough to accentuate my bust without being
immodest.Thehemendsjustabovemykneesandthesmallbrownbeltacross
mywaistgivestheillusionthatItooklongertogetreadythanIactuallydid.I
considerputtingonalittleblush,butthankstomynightwithHardin,mycheeks
arestillglowing.Islipintomynewshoesandcheckmyselfoutinthemirror.
The dress is quite flattering, and I look better than I deserve. I glance over at
Hardinwrapped inthe blanket on my tinybed, hisfeet danglingoffthe edge,
andIsmile.Iwaituntiltheverylastminutetowakehim.Iconsidernotwaking
himatall,butIamselfishandwanttokisshimgoodbye.
“Ihavetoleave,”Isayandgentlyshakehisshoulder.
“Iloveyou,”hemumblesandpuckershislipswithoutopeninghiseyes.“Are
yougoingtoclass?”IaskafterIkisshim.
“Nope,”hesaysandrollsbackover.
Iplaceanotherkissonhisshoulderandgrabmyjacketandpurse.Iwantto
crawlbackinbedwithhimsobadly.Maybelivingwithhimwouldn’tbesobad;
wespendalmosteverynighttogetheranyway.Ishakethethoughtfrommyhead.
It’sabadidea;it’stoosoon.Toosoon.
Still, I spend the entire drive imagining getting an apartment with Hardin,
pickingoutcurtainsandpaintingwalls.BythetimeIhittheelevatoratVance,
I’vealreadypickedouttheshowercurtainandbathmats,butwhentheelevator
reachesthethirdfloorayoungmaninadarknavysuitstepsonandbreaksmy
concentration.
“Hello,”hesaysandreachesfortheelevatorbuttons.Seeingthatthebutton
forthetopfloorhasalreadybeenpushed,heleansbackagainstthewallofthe
elevator.
“Areyounewhere?”heasks.Hesmellslikesoap,andhiseyesareacrispy
blue,whichisastrangecontrasttohisdarkhair.
“I’mjustanintern,”Itellhim.
“Justanintern?”Helaughs.
“Imean,Iamanintern,notanactualemployee,”Icorrectmyselfnervously.
“Istartedasaninternafewyearsagoandwashiredonfull-time.Doyougo
toWCU?”
“Yeah,didyou?”
“Yep, just graduated last year. Glad that’s over with.” He chuckles. “You’ll
likeithere.”
“Thanks,Ialreadyloveit,”Isayaswestepofftheelevator.
AsIgototurnthecorner,hesays,“Inevercaughtyourname.”
“Tessa,TessaYoung.”
He smiles and with a small goodbye wave says, “I’m Trevor. Nice to meet
you,Tessa.”
The same woman from yesterday is at the desk and this time introduces
herself as Kimberly. She smiles, wishes me good luck, and gestures toward a
tablefulloffoodandcoffee.Ismileandthankher,grabbingasprinkleddonut
andacupofcoffeebeforeIheadbacktomyoffice.OnmydeskIfindathick
pileofpaperwithanotefromMr.Vancetellingmetobeginmyfirstmanuscript
andgood luck. Ilove the freedom of thisinternship—I can’tbelieve my luck.
Diggingintomydonut,Ipluckthenoteoffthepaperandgettowork.
Themanuscriptisactuallyreallygood,andIcan’tseemtoputitdown.I’m
onlyathirdofthewayinwhenthephoneonmydeskrings.
“Hello?” I say, then realize I have no clue how to answer my own office
phone.Wantingtosoundmoregrown-up,Iadd,“Imean,TessaYoung’soffice.”
Ibitemylipandhearasmalllaughontheotherend.
“Ms.Young,thereissomeoneheretoseeyou.ShallIsendhimin?”Kimberly
asks.
“Tessa. Call me Tessa, please,” I tell her. It seems disrespectful to have her
callmeMs.Young;sheisfarmoreexperiencedandolderthanme.
“Tessa,” she says, and I can picture her friendly smile. “Should I send him
in?”sheasksagain.
“Ohyeah.Wait...whoisit?”
“I’mnotsure...youngguy...um...hehastattoos,lotsoftattoos,”she
whispersandIlaugh.
“Yeah,Iwillcomeouttogethim,”Itellherandhangup.
ThatHardinishereboththrillsmeandscaresme.Ihopeeverythingisokay.
WhenIwalkoutintothelobbyheisstandingwithhishandsinhispocketsand
Kimberlyisonthephone.Igetthefeelingthatsheisonlypretendingtobeon
the phone, I can’t tell for sure. I hope that it doesn’t seem like I am taking
advantageofthegreatopportunityMr.Vancehasgivenmebyhavingvisitorson
mysecondday.
“Hey,iseverythingokay?”Iapproachhim.
“Yeah,Ijustwantedtoseehowyourfirstfulldaywasgoing.”Hesmilesand
rollshiseyebrowringinhisfingers.
“Oh.It’sgreatI—”Ibegin,butstopwhenMr.Vancestridestowardus.
“Well. ..well...well... Cometogrovelforyourjobback?”Hesmiles
wideatHardinandpatshimontheshoulder.
“Youwish, youold wanker,” Hardin says, laughing, and my jawdrops. Mr.
Vance chuckles and raises his fist before playfully nudging Hardin in his ribs.
TheymustbecloserthanIthought.
“SowhatdoIowethehonor?Orareyouheretostalkmynewintern?”He
looksoveratme.
“Thesecond.Stalkinginternsismyfavoritepastime.”Ilookbackandforth
betweenthem, unsurewhat to say.I loveseeing this playful side to Hardin; it
doesn’tcomeoutmuch.
“Doyouhave time togetsomelunch, if youhaven’talready?”Hardinasks
me.Myeyesdarttotheclockonthewall;it’salreadynoon.Thedayhasgone
byquickly.
IlookatMr.Vanceandheshrugs.“Youhaveanhoureachdayforlunch.A
girl’s got to eat!” He smiles and says goodbye to Hardin before disappearing
downthehall.
“Itextedyouafewtimestomakesureyougothere,butyoudidn’tanswer,”
Hardintellsmewhenwestepontotheelevator.
“I haven’t looked at my phone, I got sucked into a story,” I tell him and I
reachforhishand.
“You’reokay,right?Weareokay?”heasks,hiseyeslockedintomine.
“Yeah,whywouldn’twebe?”
“I . . . I don’t know . . . I was just getting worried because you weren’t
answeringme.Ihadthought...maybeyouwerestartingtoregretlastnight.”
Helooksdown.
“What? Of course not. I honestly didn’t check my phone. I have no regrets
fromlastnight,notasingleone.”Ican’thidemysmileasthememoriesinvade
mythoughts.
“Good.Well,that’sadamnrelief.”Heletsoutabreath.
“YoudroveallthewayherebecauseyouthoughtIwashavingregrets?”Iask.
It’salittleextreme,butflatteringallthesame.
“Yeah...well,notcompletely.Ialsowantedtotakeyoutolunch.”Hesmiles
andliftsmyhandtohislips.
Westepofftheelevatorandwalkoutside.Ishouldhavebroughtmyjacket.I
shiverandHardinlooksovertome.
“Ihaveajacketinmycar.Wecangrabit,thenwalkaroundthecornertoBrio
—it’sreallygood.”Wewalktohiscarandhepullsablackleatherjacketoutof
his trunk, which makes me laugh. He must have an entire wardrobe in there.
EversinceImethimhe’sbeenpullingclothesoutofthattrunk.
The jacket is surprisingly warm and smells like Hardin. It engulfs me, of
course,soIshakemyarmstopushthesleevesup.
“Thankyou.”Ikisshimonhisjaw.
“Itlooksgoodonyou—perfectfit.”
He takes my hand as we walk down the sidewalk; we earn a few strange
glances from the businessmen and -women on the streets. Sometimes I forget
howdifferentweappearontheoutside.Wearepolaroppositesinalmostevery
way,butsomehowitworksforus.
Brio is a small but quaint Italian place. The floor is covered in beautiful
multicolored tiles and the ceiling is a mural of heaven, with chubby smiling
cherubs waiting outside white gates, and a pair of angels—one white and one
black—lockedinanembracebeyondthem.Thewhiteangelseemstobetrying
topulltheotherthroughthegatestotheotherside.
“Tess?”Hardinsaysandpullsmebythesleeve.
“Coming,”Imumbleandwewalktothetable,whichissetinthebackofthe
restaurant.Hardinsitsinthechairrightnexttomeinsteadofacross,pullinghis
chaircloserandrestinghiselbowsonthetable.Heordersforbothofus,butI
don’tmindsincehe’sbeenherebefore.
“SoyouandMr.Vancearereallyclose,then?”Iask.
“Iwouldn’tsaythat.Butweknoweachotherwellenough.”Heshrugs.
“Youseemedtoreallygetalong,Ilikeseeingyouthatway.”
Thehintofasmiletugsathislipsandheputshishandonmythigh.“Doyou
now?”
“Yes, I like to see you happy.” I feel like there is more behind his and Mr.
Vance’srelationshipthanheistellingme,butfornowIamnotgoingtopushit.
“Iamhappy.HappierthanIthoughtIwouldbe...ever,”headds.
“What has gotten into you? You’re getting soft on me,” I tease and he
chuckles.
“Icanknockoverafewtables,bloodyafewnosestoremindyou,”hesays
andIpushmyshoulderintohis.
“No,thanks.”Igiggle.
Our food arrives and I thank the waitress. The food looks amazing, and I
inhale the great aromas before taking a bite. Hardin ordered us some sort of
ravioli,andit’sdelicious.
“Good,huh?”hebragsandfillshismouthwithfood.Inodanddothesame.
Afterwe’refinished,HardinandIbickeraboutwhoisgoingtopayforlunch,
butheendsupwinning.
“Youcanpaymebacklater.”Hewinksbehindthewaitress’sback.
WhenwewalkbacktoVP,Hardinfollowsmeinside.“You’recomingup?”I
askhim.
“Yeah,Iwantedtoseeyouroffice,thenIwillgo.Promise.”
“Deal,”Itellhimandwestepontotheelevator.WhenwereachthetopfloorI
givehimhisjacketbackandheshrugsiton.Myeyeswidenathowhothelooks
intheleather.
“Hey,it’syouagain.”Theguyinthenavysuitsaysaswewalkdownthehall.
“Andit’syouagain.”Ismile.
HiseyesdarttoHardin,whointroduceshimself.
“Nice to meet you. My name is Trevor; I work in finance.” He give a little
wave,thensays,“Well,seeyouaround,”andwalksaway.
When we walk into my office Hardin grabs my wrist and turns me to face
him.“Whatthehellwasthat?”hespitsout.
Ishejoking?Ilookdownatmywristinhishandandtakethatasano.His
gripisn’ttight,butitholdsmeinplace.
“What?”
“Thatguy?”
“Whatabouthim?Ijustmethimthismorningintheelevator.”Ipullmywrist
away.
“Itdidn’tseemlikeyoujustmet;thetwoofyouwerejustflirtinginfrontof
me.”
I can’t help it, but I let out a laugh that’s more like a bark. What?You’re
insane if you think that was flirting. I was being polite and so was he. Why
wouldIflirtwithhim?”Itrytokeepmyvoicedown.Causingascenewillnot
begoodforme.
“Whywouldn’tyou?Hewasniceandclean-cut,suitandall,”Hardinsays.
Irealizethatheseemsmorehurtandworriedthanangry.Myinstinctstellme
tocusshimoutandtellhimtogetthehellout,butIdecidetotakeadifferent
approach.Justlikewhenhewasbreakingthingsathisfathershouse.
“Isthatwhatyouthink?ThatIwantsomeonelikehim,someoneunlikeyou?”
Iaskinagentlevoice.
Hardinopenshiseyeswide,takenaback.Iknowheexpectedmetoblowup
athim,butthischangeofpaceslowshimdownandhecontemplateswhattosay
next.“Idon’tknow...maybe.”Hiseyesmeetmine.
“Well,you’rewrong,asusual.”Ismile.Ineedtotalktohimaboutthislater,
butmyneedtomakesureheknowshehasnothingtoworryaboutoverpowers
myneedtocorrecthim.
“Iamsorryifyou thinkIwasflirtingwithhim,butI wasn’t.Iwouldn’tdo
thattoyou,”Iassurehim.HiseyessoftenandIbringmyhanduptohischeek.
Howcanonepersonbesostrongyetsoweak?
“I...Okay,”hesays.
Ilaughandcaresshischeek.Ilovecatchinghimoffguard.“Whatishe,when
Ihaveyou?”
Hiseyesflutterandhefinallysmiles.IamrelievedthatIamlearninghowto
disengagethebombthatisHardin.“Iloveyou,”hesaysandpresseshislipsto
mine.“Iamsorryforblowinguplikethat.”
“Iacceptyourapology; now letmeshowyou my office!”Isayina cheery
voice.
“Idon’tdeserveyou,” he saysquietly, tooquietly. I choose toignore it and
keepmyupliftingattitude.
“Sowhatdoyouthink?”Ibeam.
HechucklesandlistensintentlyasIshowhimeverydetail,everybookonthe
shelfandtheemptypictureframeonmydesk.
“IwasthinkingIwanttoputapictureofushere,”Itellhim.
We have never taken any pictures together, and the thought hadn’t even
crossedmyminduntilIplacedtheemptyframethere.Hardindoesn’tseemlike
thetypewhowouldsmileforacamera,evenonacellphone.
“Oh.Idon’treallydopictures,”hesays,confirmingmythoughts.
ButwhenheseesI’malittleembarrassedbybeingshutdown,hestrainsto
say,“Imean...IguessIcouldtakeone.Justone,though.”
“Let’sworryaboutthatlater.”Ismileandheseemsrelieved.
“Nowcanwemoveontohowsexyyoulookinthatdress.It’sbeendriving
mecrazysinceIgothere.”Hisvoiceisafulloctavedeeperandhetakesastep
towardme.Mybodyheatsimmediately;hiswordsneverceasetounravelme.
“You’reluckyIdidn’topenmyeyesthismorning.IfIhad...”Hetraceshis
fingertipsalongthenecklineofmydress.“Iwouldn’thaveletyouleave.”
Hebringshisotherhandtothehemofmydressandcaressesmythigh.
“Hardin...”Iwarn.Myvoicebetraysmeandcomesoutasmoreofamoan.
“What,babe...youdon’twantmetodothis?”Heliftsmeupandsitsmeon
theedgeofmydesk.
“It’s . . .” My thoughts are clouded by his lips against my neck. I dig my
fingersintohishairandhenipsatmyskin.“Wecan’t...someonecouldcome
in...or something.”Thewordsarejumbledanddon’tmakemuchsense.He
putshishandsonmythighsandopensthemfarther.
“Thereisalockonthedoorforareason...Ireallywanttotakeyouright
here,onthisdesk.Ormaybeagainstthewindow.”Hismouthtravelsloweron
mychest.Theideaofwhatheisproposingsendselectricitythroughmybody.
Hisfingersbrushoverthelaceonmypantiesandhesucksabreaththroughhis
teeth.
“You’rekillingme,”hegroansashelooksbetweenmylegstoseethewhite
lacesetIboughtyesterday.Ican’tbelieveIamlettingthishappen,onadeskin
mynewofficeontheseconddayofmyinternship.Theideathrillsmeasmuch
asitterrifiesme.
“Lockthe—”Ibegin,butweareinterruptedbytheshrillringofmyphone.I
jumpstraightupandscramblearoundthedesktograbit.“Hello?TessaYoung
speaking!”
“Ms.Young.Tessa,”Kimberlycorrectsherself.“Mr.Vanceisleavingforthe
dayandisonhiswaytoyouroffice,”shesayswithahintofamusementinher
voice.
Iflushandthankher.ClearlyshecansensehowirresistibleHardinistome.
chaptereighty-one
HardinleavesshortlyafterheandMr.Vancefinishbickeringabouta football
game. I apologize for having a visitor, but he brushes it off, telling me that
Hardinislikefamilyandheiswelcometocomebyanytime.VisionsofHardin
makinglovetomeonthedesktakeovermyimaginationandMr.Vancehasto
repeatwhathesaidnextaboutpayrollthreetimesbeforeIcomebacktoreality.
IgobacktoreadingthemanuscriptandIamsointoitthatIdon’trealizeit’s
afterfivewhenIlookupagain.Iamanhourlatetoleaveandhaveamissedcall
fromHardin.WhenIgettomycarIcallhimback,buthedoesn’tanswer.Idrive
backthroughmoderatetraffic,andwhenIgettomyroom,I’msurprisedtosee
Stephonherbed.Ialmostforgetsheliveshere,too,sometimes.
“Longtimenosee,”Ijokeanddropmypurseandpulloffmyheels.
“Yeah...”shesaysandsniffles.
“Areyouokay?Whathappened?”Isitonherbedwithher.
“IthinkTristanandIbrokeup.”Shesobs. It isastrangesightto see Steph
crying—she’susuallysostrongandsassy.
“Why?Whatdoyoumeanyouthink?”Iaskandputmyhandonherbackto
comforther.
“Well,wegotinafightandIbrokeupwithhim,butIdidn’tmeanit.Idon’t
knowwhyIdidit—IwasjustpissedbecausehewassittingwithherandIknow
howsheis.”
“Who?”Iask,eventhoughIsomehowalreadyknow.
“Molly.Youshouldhaveseenhowshewasflirtingwithhimandhangingon
hiseveryword.”
“Butsheknowsyoutwoaretogether;isn’tsheyourfriend?”
“Shedoesn’tcareaboutthat.She’lldoanythingtogetmaleattention.”AsI
watchSteph cry and wipe her eyes, my alreadystrong dislikeof Molly grows
evenmore.
“I don’t think Tristan would go for her; I see the way he looks at you. He
reallycaresaboutyou.Ithinkyoushouldcallhimandtalkitout,”Isuggest.
“Whatifheiswithher?”
“He’snot,”Iassureher.Ireallydon’tseeTristanrunningoffwiththepink-
hairedsnake.
“Howdoyouknow?Sometimesyouthinkyouknowpeople,butyoudon’t,”
shesaysandlooksintomyeyes.“H—”
“Hey...” Hardin says asheburstsintothe room andthentakesinthe sad
scene before him. “Um . . . should I come back?” He shifts uncomfortably.
Hardinisn’tthetypetocomfortacryinggirl,friendornot.
“No,IamgoingtogofindTristanandtrytoapologize.”Shestands.“Thank
you,Tessa.”ShehugsmeandlooksatHardin.Theyexchangeawkwardglances
beforesheexitstheroom.
Hardinturnsandgivesmeakiss.“Youhungry?”
“Yeah, actually I am,” I tell him. I should do some homework, but I’m
actually pretty far ahead. I really have no idea how or when Hardin actually
works.
“I was thinking that after we get something to eat, you could call Karen or
Landon and see what I should wear to the . . . you know. The wedding.” The
mention of Landon’s name tugs at my heart. I haven’t talked to him in a few
days and I miss him. I want to tell him about my internship and maybe even
aboutHardinandme.Ihaven’tdecidedthatyet,butIstillwanttotalktohim.
“Yeah,I’llcallLandon.I’mexcitedforthewedding!”Itellhim,thenrealizeI
needtogetsomethingtoweartotheweddingaswell.
“Yeah.Me,too.Iamsothrilled.CouldIbemoreexcited?”Herollshiseyes
andIlaugh.
“Well,I’mgladyou’reatleastgoing.ItmeansalottoyourfatherandKaren.”
He shakes his head, but he’s come a long way in the short time that I’ve
knownhim.
“Yeah...yeah.Let’sgoeat,”hegrumblesandgrabsmyjacketoffthechair.
“Letmechange first,geez,”I groan. Ifeel his eyeson me asI undress and
grabjeansandaWCUsweatshirtoutofmydresserandputthemonquickly.
“You look adorable. Sexy office woman by day and cute college girl by
night,”heteases.MystomachfluttersathiswordsandIleanuponmytoesto
kisshischeek.
WEDECIDETOGOtothemallandeatsothatwecangoshoppingafterward.I
call Landon as we sit down and he tells me that he will ask his mother what
Hardinshouldwearandcallmerightback.
“Wecanfindyouroutfitfirst,Iguess?”hesuggests.
“Idon’tknowwhattoweareither.”Ilaugh.
“Well,youhavetheluxuryoflookingbeautifulregardlessofwhatyouwear.”
“Thatisnottrue;youdefinitelypulloffthat‘Idon’tgiveacraphowIlook
butIlookflawless’look.”
Hegivesmeacockysmirkandleansbackinhischair.“Ido,don’tI?”
Irollmyeyesandthennoticemyphonebuzzing.“It’sLandon.”
“Hey,”Landonsays,“soshesaiditwouldbebestifyouwearwhite.Iknow
it’snotthenorm,butthat’swhatmymotherwants.AndatleasttrytogetHardin
indresspantsandatie.Idon’tthinktheyareexpectingmuchfromhim,tobe
honest.”Helaughs.
“Okay,well,Iwilldomybesttogethiminatie.”IlookoveratHardin,who
frownscomically.
“Goodluck.How’syourinternshipgoing?”
“It’s good. Well, great, actually. It’s a dream come true. I can’tbelieve it. I
havemyownofficeandIbasicallygetpaidtoreadallday.It’sperfect.Howare
classes?ImissLiterature.”
Hardin’sfaceturnsintoarealfrown,andIfollowhiseyestothemiddleofthe
food court. Zed, Logan, and a guy that I have never met before are walking
towardus. Zed gives me a friendly waveand Ismile beforethinking aboutit.
Hardinglaresatmeandstandsup.
“I’llberightback,”hesaysandwalksoffintheirdirection.Itrytocontinue
myconversationwithLandon and watchHardinat the sametime,butI’m not
surewhattodo.
“Yeah,itisn’tthesamewithoutyou,butI’msohappyforyou.AtleastHardin
hasn’tbeeninclasssoIdon’thavetodealwithhim,”Landonsays.
“Whatdoyoumeanhehasn’tbeeninclass?Well,besidestoday.Hewasthere
yesterday.Right?”
“No,Ifiguredhedroppedagainsinceyouleftandheobviouslycan’tbemore
thantenfeetawayfromyouatalltimes,”heteasesandmyheartwarmsdespite
myconcernoverhismissingclasses.
IlookoveratHardin,whohashisbacktome,butIcantellfromhowstiffhis
shouldersarethathe’stense.TheguywhoIdon’trecognizehasaslicksmileon
his face and Zed is shaking his head. Logan seems uninterested in them and
focusesoncheckingoutagroupofgirlswalkingby.Hardintakesasteptoward
theguyandIcan’ttelliftheyaremessingaroundornot.
“I’msosorry,Landon,butIwillcallyouback,”Isayandhangup.Leaving
ourtraysonthetable,Igoovertothem,hopinginthebackofmymindthatno
onemesseswithourfood.
“Hey, Tessa, how are you?” Zed asks and moves forward to hug me. I feel
myselfflushandpolitelyhughimback.IknowbetterthantolookupatHardin
whenourembraceends.Zed’shairisstickingstraightupinthefrontinavery
hot, messy way, and he’s wearing all black with this leather jacket that has
patchesalloverthefrontandback.
“Hardin, aren’t you going to introduce your friend?” the stranger says. He
smilesanditgivesmechills.Icantellheisnotaniceguy.
“Um, yeah.” Hardin waves his hand between us. “This is my friend Tessa;
Tessa,thisisJace.”
Friend?IfeellikeIhavejustbeenkickedinthestomach.Itrymybesttohide
myhumiliationandsmile.
“DoyougotoWCU?”Iask.MyvoiceismuchmorecomposedthanIfeel
inside.
“Hell, no. I don’t do the college thing.” He chuckles coolly. “But if all the
girlstherelookedlikeyou,Iwouldbehappytoreconsider.”
IgulpandwaitforHardintosaysomething.Oh,right,Iamhisfriend.Why
wouldhe?IstaysilentandwishIhadjuststayedatthetable.
“Wearegoingtothedockstonight;youtwoshouldmakeanappearance,”Zed
says.
“We can’t. Maybe next time,” Hardin says. I contemplate interrupting and
sayingIcan,butIamtoopissed-offtospeak.
“Whynot?”Jaceasks.
“Shehastoworktomorrow.IsupposeIcandropbylater.Alone,”headds.
“That’stoobad.”Jacesmilesatme.Hissandyblondhairfallsoverhiseyes
andheshakeshisheadtomoveit.
Hardinclencheshisjawandlooksathim.IfeellikeI’mmissingsomething.
Whoisthisguy,anyway?
“Yeah, I’ll hit you up later when I’m on my way,” Hardin says and I stalk
away.
IhearHardin’sbootsstompingbehindmebutIkeepwalking.Hedoesn’tcall
myname, since I’msure hedoesn’twanthisfriends tothink anything, buthe
keepsfollowingme.IwalkfasteranddipintoMacy’sandturnasharpcorner,
hopingtolosehim.Nosuchluck;hegrabsmyelbowandturnsmetofacehim.
“Whatiswrong?”Hisannoyanceisobvious.
“Oh,Idon’tknow,Hardin!”Ishout.AnelderlywomanlooksatmeandIgive
heranapologeticsmile.
“Meeither!YouaretheonewhojusthuggedZed!”heyells.Wearealready
attractinganaudience,butIamfumingsoIdon’tcareatthemoment.
“Areyouembarrassedofmeorsomething?Imean,Igetit,Iamnotexactly
thecoolgirl,butIthought...”
“What?No!OfcourseI’mnotembarrassedofyou.Areyoucrazy?”hehuffs.
Ifeelcrazyatthemoment.
“Why did you introduce me as your friend? You keep talking about living
togetherandthenyoutellthemwearefriends?Whatareyougoingtodo,hide
me?Iwon’tbeanyone’ssecret.IfI’mnotgoodenoughforyourfriendstoknow
we’re together, then I don’t want to be.” I turn on my heel and walk away to
punctuatemylittlespeech.
“Tessa!Damn it .. .” hesays and followsme through thestore.I reachthe
dressingroomsandglanceatthem.
“Iwillfollowyou,”hesays,readingmythoughts.
Hewill,too.SoIturnandheadtowardtheexitofthestore.“Takemehome.
Now,”Idemand.IstayquietandatleasttenfeetaheadofHardinaswewalkout
of the mall and to his car. He moves to open the door for me but backs away
whenIglareathim.IfIwerehim,Iwouldkeepmydistance.
IstareoutthewindowandthinkofalltheterriblethingsIcouldsaytohim
but I stay silent. I’m mostly just embarrassed that he feels like he can’t tell
people we are together. I know I’m not like his friends and they probably all
thinkI am aloser or not cool enough, but that shouldn’tmatter tohim. I find
myself wondering if Zed would hide our relationship from his friends, and I
can’t help but think that he wouldn’t. Come to think of it, Hardin has never
actuallycalledmehisgirlfriend.Iprobablyshouldhavewaitedtosleepwithhim
untilheatleastconfirmedweweredating.
“Areyoudonethrowingafit?”heasksaswepullontothehighway.
“Afit?Youaren’tserious!”Myvoicefillshissmallcar.
“I don’t know why it’s such a big deal to you that I called you my friend;
that’snotwhatImeant.Iwasjustcaughtoffguard,”helies.Icantellheislying
bythewayhiseyesdartawayfrommine.
“Ifyouareembarrassedofme,thenIdon’twanttoseeyouanymore,”Isay.I
digmynailsintomylegtokeepfromcrying.
“Don’tsaythattome.”Herunshishandoverhishairandtakesadeepbreath.
“Tessa, why do you assume I am embarrassed of you? That is just fucking
ridiculous,”hegrowls.
“Havefunatyourpartytonight.”
“Please,I’mnotgoing,IjustsaidthatsoJacewouldlayoff.”
WhatIsaynextIknowisaterribleidea,butIwanttoproveapoint:“Ifyou
aren’tembarrassedofme,thentakemetotheparty.”
“Absolutelyfuckingnot,”hesaysthroughhisteeth.
“Exactly,”Isnap.
“IamnottakingyoutherebecauseJaceisadick,forone.Two,it’snotthe
kindofplaceyoushouldbe.”
“Whynot?Icanhandlemyself.”
“Jaceandhisfriendsarewayoutofyourleague,Tessa.Hell,they’reevenout
ofmyleague.Theyareallstonersandscum.”
“Thenwhyareyoufriendswithhim?”Irollmyeyes.
“Thereisabigdifferencebetweenbeingfriendlyandbeingfriends.”
“Well,whywouldZedhangoutwithhim,then?”
“Idon’tknow.Jaceisn’toneofthoseguysthatyousaynoto,”heexplains.
“Soyou’reafraidofhim.That’swhyyoudidn’tsayanythingwhenhecame
ontome,”Ipointout.JacemustbereallybadifHardinisafraidofhim.
Hardinsurprisesmebylaughing.“I’mnotafraidofhim.Ijustdon’twantto
provokehim.Helikesgames,andifIprovokedhimwithyouhewouldturnyou
intoagame.”Hisknucklesturnwhitefromhisgriponthesteeringwheel.
“Well,goodthingwe’rejustfriends,then,”Isayandlookoutthewindowat
the beautiful view of the city passing by. I’m not perfect; I know I’m acting
childishbutIcan’thelpit.KnowinghowbigacreepJaceis,IgetwhyHardin
didwhathedid,butthatdoesn’tmakeithurtless.
chaptereighty-two
Whenwegettotheroom,Iplopdownonthebed.IamstillangrywithHardin
but not as angry as I was. I don’t want any more attention from Jace than
necessary,butmeetinghimhasonlyraisedmorequestionsthatIknowHardin
doesn’twantmetoask.
“Ireallyamsorry.Ididn’tmeantohurtyourfeelings,”hesays.Idon’tlookat
himbecauseIknowIwillturntomush.HeneedstoknowthatIwon’tputup
withhimdoingthingslikethis.“Do...you...doyoustillwantme?”heasks,
hisvoiceshaky.
WhenIlookoverathim,Icanseehisvulnerability.Isigh,knowingIamnot
abletoholdontomyangerwhenhiseyesaresofullofworry.
“Yeah,of courseI do. Come here,” Itell himand pat thebed nextto me.I
havenowillpowerwhenitcomestothisman.
“Doyouconsidermeyourgirlfriend?”Iaskashesitsdown.
“Yeah.Imean,itjustseemsalittlesillytocallyouthat,”hesays.
“Silly?”Ipickatmyfingernails,abadhabitIhaveyettokick.
“Youaremoretomethansomeadolescenttitle.”Heputshislargehandson
bothsidesofmyface.Hisanswermakesmystomachflipinthebestway.Ican’t
helpthegrinthatisplasteredonmyface.Hisshouldersimmediatelyrelax.
“I don’tlike that you don’t want people to know about us—how would we
livetogetherifyouwon’teventellyourfriendsaboutus?”
“It’s not like that. Do you want me to call Zed right now and tell him? If
anything,youshouldbeembarrassedtobewithme.Iseethewaypeoplelookat
uswhenwearetogether,”hesays.Sohedoesnoticethewaypeoplelookatthe
twoofus.
“Theyonlystareat usbecausewelookdifferent,andthat’stheirproblem.I
wouldneverbeembarrassedtobeseenwithyou.Ever,Hardin.”
“Youhadmeworriedthatyouweregoingtogiveuponme,”hesays.
“Giveuponyou?”
“You’retheonlyconstantinmylife;youknowthat,don’tyou?Idon’tknow
whatIwoulddoifyouleftme,”hesays.
“Iwon’tleaveyouifyoudon’tgivemeareasonto,”Iassurehim,butIcan’t
think of a single thing he could do to make me leave him. I’m in too deep.
ThinkingofleavinghimsendsapainthroughmybodythatIcan’tbear.Itwould
breakme.Evenifwefighteverysingleday,Ilovehim.
“Iwon’t,”hesays.Helooksawayforasecond,thenmeetsmyeyesagain.“I
likewhoIamwithyou.”
Iturnmycheekintohishandfarther.“Ido,too.”
Ilovehim,everypartofhim.Allversionsofhim.Mostly,IlikewhoIhave
becomewithhim;wehavebothbeenchangedforthebetterbyeachother.Ihave
somehowgottenhimtoopenupandhavebroughthappinesstohim,andhehas
taughtmehowtoliveandnotworryabouteverydetail.
“IknowIpissyouoffsometimes...well,alotofthetime,andGodknows
youdrivemefuckinginsane,”hesays.
“Thanks?”
“I’mjustsaying,justbecausewefightdoesn’tmeanweshouldn’tbetogether.
Everyonefights.”Hesmiles.“Wejustfightmorethannormalpeople.YouandI
arevery differentpeople, so we’ll just have to figureout howto navigateone
another.Itwillgeteasier,”heassuresme.
Ireturnhissmileandrunmyfingersthroughhisdarkhair.
“Westilldidn’tgetanythingtoweartothewedding,”Ipointout.
“Ohdarn,lookslikewecan’tgo.” He turns his face into the mostinsincere
frownIhaveeverseenandkissesmynose.
“Youwish.It’sonlyTuesday.Wehaveallweek.”
“OrwecouldskipitandIcouldtakeyoutoSeattlefortheweekend?”Helifts
aneyebrow.
“What?”Isitup.“Imean,no!Wearegoingtothewedding,”Icorrectmyself.
“ButyoucouldtakemetoSeattlenextweekend.”
“Nope,offersonlygoodforalimitedtime,”heteasesandpullsmeontohis
lap.
“Fine,IguessI’llhavetofindsomeoneelsetotakemetoSeattle.”Hisjaw
tensesandItracemyfingertipsoverthestubbleonhischinandjaw.
“Youwouldn’tdare.”Hislipstwitchtoholdhissmile.
“Oh,Imostcertainlywould.Seattleismyfavoriteplace,afterall.”
“Yourfavoriteplace?”
“Yeah,Ihaven’treallybeenanywhereelse.”
“Whereisthefarthestplaceyou’vegone?”heasks.
Ilaymyheadonhischestandheliesbackagainsttheheadboard,wrapping
hisarmsaroundme.“Seattle.Ihaven’tleftWashington.”
“Ever?”heexclaims.
“Nope,never.”
“Whynot?”
“Idon’tknow,wejustcouldn’taffordtoaftermydadleft.Mymotherworked
allthetimeandIwastoofocusedonschoolandgettingoutofthattownthatI
didn’treallythinkofmuchelse,exceptworking.”
“Wherewouldyouwanttogo?”heasks,hisfingersrubbingupanddownmy
arm.
“Chawton.IwanttoseeJaneAusten’sfarmhouse.OrParis.Iwouldloveto
seewhereHemingwaystayedwhilehewasthere.”
“I knew you would say those places. I could take you there.” His tone is
serious.
“Let’sjuststartwithSeattle.”Igiggle.
“I mean it, Tessa. I could take you anywhere you want to go. Especially
England.Ididgrowupthere,afterall.Youcouldmeetmymumandtherestof
myfamily.”
“Um...”Iactuallyhavenothingtosay.Heissostrange,heintroducesmeas
his“friend”anhourago,andnowhe’stakingmetoEnglandtomeethismother.
“Let’sjuststartwithSeattle?”Ilaugh.
“Fine,butI know youwould love todrivethrough the Englishcountryside,
seethehouseAustengrewupin...”
Ican’timaginehow my motherwould reactto me leavingthe countrywith
Hardin. She would probably lock me in her attic and never let me out. I still
haven’tspokentohersinceshestormedoutofmydormafterthreateningmein
an attempt to get me to stop seeing Hardin. I want to avoid that inevitable
argumentforaslongasIcan.
“What’swrong?”heasksanddipshisheaddowninfrontofmyface.
“Nothing,sorry,Iwasjustthinkingofmymother.”
“Oh...she’llcomearound,babe.”Hesoundssosure,butIknowherbetter
thanthat.
“Idon’tthinkso,butlet’stalkaboutsomethingelse.”
Westarttalkingaboutthewedding,butHardin’sphonevibratesinhispocket
afteramoment.Ishiftoffhimsohecangetitout,buthemakesnomovetodo
so.
“Whoeveritiscanwait,”hesays,whichmakesmehappy.
“Willwebestayingatyourdad’shouseSaturdayafterthewedding?”Iask.I
needtogetmymindoffmymother.
“Isthatwhatyouwanttodo?”heasks.
“Yeah,Ilikeitthere.Thisbedistiny.”Icrinklemynoseandhelaughs.
“Wecouldstayatmyplacemoreoften.Whatabouttonight?”
“Ihavemyinternshipinthemorning.”
“So?Youcanbringyourstuffwithyouandgetreadyinanactualbathroom.I
haven’tbeentomyroominawhile;theyareprobablyalreadytryingtorentit
out,”hejokes.“Don’tyouwanttotakeashowerwithoutthirtyotherpeoplein
thesameroom?”
“Sold.”Ismileandclimboffthebed.
Hardin helps me pack my things for tomorrow and I grow more and more
excitedtogotothefrathouse.Ihatedthathouse,andstillprettymuchdo,but
the thought of a shower in an actual bathroom and Hardin’s large bed is too
appealingtopassup.Hegrabstheredsetoflingerieoutofmydresserandhands
ittomewithaseriesofeagernods,andIflushbeforeshovingitinmybag.I
packoneofmyoldblackskirtsandawhiteblouse,wantingtospaceoutmynew
dresses.
“Redbrawithwhite shirt?”Hardinpointsout.Ipullthewhiteshirtoutand
grabablueoneinstead.
“Youcouldbringextraclotheswithyousoyouwon’thavetobringsomuch
nexttime,”hesuggests.Hewantsmetokeepclothesathisplace.Ilovehowit’s
agiventhatwewillstaythenighttogethereverynight.
“IguessIcould,”Isayandgrabmynewwhitedressandafewotherrandom
things.
“Youknowwhatwouldmakeitmucheasier?”heasks,andpullsmybagover
hisshoulderasweheadoutside.
“What?”Ialreadyknowwhatheisgoingtosay.
“Ifwebothlivedatthesameplace.”Hesmiles.“Wewouldn’thavetodecide
whichplacetostayatandyouwouldn’thavetopackabag.Youwouldhavea
private shower every day—well, not totally private.” He winks playfully. And
justwhenIthinkhe’sdone,whenwegettohiscarandheopensthedoorforme,
headds,“Youcouldwakeupandmakeyourowncoffeeinourkitchenandget
ready for the day and we could meet up at our place at the end of every day.
Noneofthisroommateorfrathouseshit.”
Everytimehesays“our”mystomachflutters.ThemoreIthinkaboutit,the
betteritsounds.IamjustterrifiedofmovingtoofastwithHardin.Idon’twantit
toblowupinmyface.
Aswedrivetothehouse,heputshishandonmythighandagainsays,“Stop
overthinkingit.”Ihearhisphonevibratingagain,butheignoresit.ThistimeI
can’thelpbutbealittlesuspiciousofwhyheisn’tpickingupthephone,butI
pushthethoughtfrommyhead.
“Whatareyouafraidof?”heaskswhenIdon’trespond.
“I don’t know. What if something happens with my internship and I can’t
affordit?Orifsomethinghappenswithus?”
Hefrownsbutrecoversquickly.“Babe,IalreadytoldyouIwouldpayforthe
place.Itwasmyidea,andImakemore,soletmedothis.”
“I don’t care how much you make. I don’t like the idea of you paying for
everything.”
“Youcanpaycable,then?”Hesmirks.
“Cableandgroceries?”Ioffer.Ican’tdecideifIamspeakinghypothetically
anymoreornot.
“Deal.Groceries...thatsoundsnice,doesn’tit?Youcouldhavemydinner
readyeverynightwhenIgethome.”
“Excuseme?Itwouldbetheotherwayaround.”Ilaugh.
“Wecouldrotatedays?”
“Deal.”
“Soyou’removinginwithmethen?”Idon’tthinkIhaveeverseenadeeper
grinonhisperfectface.
“Ididn’tsaythat,Iwasjust...”
“YouknowIwilltakecareofyou,right?Always,”hepromises.
I want to tell him that I don’t want to be taken care of, that I want to earn
thingsandpayformyownshareofthings,butIgetthefeelingheisn’ttalking
justfinancially.
“Iamafraidthisistoogoodtobetrue,”IfinallyadmittoHardinandmyself.
Hesurprisesmebysaying,“Me,too.”
“Really?”Iamrelievedthathefeelsthesameway.
“Yeah,thethoughtcrossesmymindallthetime.Youaretoogoodformeand
Iamjustwaitingonyoutorealizeit,andhopingthatyoudon’t,”hesays,his
eyesfocusedontheroad.
“That’snotgoingtohappen.”AndImeanit.
Hedoesn’tsayanything.
“Okay.”Ibreakthesilence.
“Okaywhat?”
“Okay.Iwillmoveinwithyou.”Ismile.
He lets out a breath that sounds like he has been holding it for hours.
“Really?”Hisdimplespopasheshakeshisheadandflashesasmile.
“Yeah.”
“Youhave no idea what this means tome, Theresa.”He putshis hand over
mine and squeezes. Hardin turns onto his street and my mind races. We are
reallydoingthis,wearemovingintogether.MeandHardin.Alone.Allthetime.
In our own place. Our own bed. Our everything. I am scared as hell, but my
excitementisstrongerthanmynervousness,forthemomentatleast.
“Don’tcallmeTheresaorIwillchangemymind,”Itease.
“Yousaidonlyfriendsandfamilycancallyouthat.IthinkI’veearnedit.”
Heremembersthat?IthinkIsaidthatrightafterImethim.Igrin.“Pointwell
made.Callmewhateveryouwant.”
“Oh,babe,Iwouldn’tsaythatifIwereyou.Ihaveawholelistofperverted
thingsIwouldlovetocallyou.”Hissmileiswicked,andIfindmyselfwanting
to hear his dirty words, but I stop myself from asking and squeeze my legs
together.Hemustnotice,becausehissmilegrows.
JustasI’mcomingupwithalineabouthowpervertedheis,thewordsarelost
inmythroat.Pullinguptothehouse,weseethattheyardislitteredwithpeople
andthestreetisfullofcars.
“Damn it, I didn’t know they were having a party tonight. It’s fucking
Tuesday.See,thisistheshit—”
“It’sfine.Wecanjustgostraighttoyourroom,”Iinterrupt,tryingtodefuse
hisirritation.
“Fine,”hesighs.
When we walk into the crowded house, Hardin and I head straight for the
stairs.JustasIbegintothinkImadeitwithoutrunninginto anyoneIknow, I
spotamoundofgreasy,sandyblondhairatthetopofthestairs.Jace.
chaptereighty-three
HardinnoticesJacethesametimethatIdoandturnstolookatme,thenbackat
Jace, tensing immediately. For a second it seems like Hardin might turn us
around, but then Jace definitely spots us, and I know Hardin won’t risk
antagonizinghimbybackingawaynow.Allaroundus,thepartyrages,butallI
canfocusonisJace’smischievoussmile,whichflat-outgivesmethecreeps.
Aswereachthetopofthestairs,Jacegivesanexaggeratedlookofsurprise
andsays,“Didn’tthinkI’dseeyoutwohere,youknow,sinceyoucouldn’tmake
ittothedocksandall.”
“Yeah,wewerejustcominghere—”Hardinbegins.
“Oh, I get why you were coming here.” Jacesmiles and pats Hardin on his
shoulder.Icringeashisbrowneyesmovetome.“It’sdefinitelyapleasuretosee
youagain,Tessa,”hesayscoolly.
IglanceatHardin,butheistoofocusedonJacetonotice.“Yeah,you,too,”I
manage.
“Well,goodthingyoudidn’tcometothedocksanyway.Copscameandbroke
upourparty,sowemovedithere.”
MeaningthatJace’sslimyfriendsareheresomewhere—morepeopleHardin
doesn’tlike.Iwishwehadjuststayedatmydorm.BythelookinHardin’seyes
Icantellhewishesthesame.
“Thatsucks,man,”Hardinsaysandthentriestocontinueondownthehall.
Jace grabs Hardin’s arm and says, “You two should come down and have a
drinkwithus.”
“She doesn’t drink,” Hardin huffs, annoyance clear in his voice.
Unfortunately,thatannoyanceseemstoencourageJaceevenmore.
“Ohwell.Youshouldstillcomehavesomefun.Iinsist,”hesays.
Hardinlooksatme,andmyeyeswidenasItrytosilentlysay,No!Butthenhe
nodsatJace.Whatthehell?
“I’llcomedowninaminute;letmegether...settledin,”Hardinmumbles,
thenpullsmebymywristtohisroombeforeJacecansayanything.Unlocking
thedoortohisroom,hehurriesmeinsideandquicklyclosesthedoor.
“Idon’twanttogodownthere,”Itellhimashesetsmybagdown.
“You’renot.”
“Andyouare?”Iaskhim.
“Yeah,justforaminute.Iwon’tbelong.”Herubsthebackofhisneckwith
hishand.
“Why didn’tyou just tell him no?” I ask.For someone who claimshe isn’t
afraidofhim,HardinseemstobeveryintimidatedbyJace.
“Ialreadytoldyou,heishardtosaynoto,”hesays.
“Doeshehavesomethingoveryouorsomething?”
“What?”Hardin’sfaceflushes.“No...he’sjustadick.AndIdon’twantany
trouble.Especiallynotaroundyou,”hesaysandstepsforwardtome.“Iwon’t
bedowntherelong,butIknowhim,andifIdon’tgohaveadrinkwithhimhe
willcomebackuphere—andIdon’twanthimanywherenearyou,”hesaysand
kissesmeonthecheek.
“Okay,”Isigh.
“I need you to stay in here, though. I know it’s not ideal, with the music
bumpingdownstairs,butIcan’treallythinkofawayoutatthispoint.”
“Okay,”Irepeat.Idon’twanttogodownthereanyway.Ihatetheseparties,
andIdefinitelydon’twanttoseeMollyifsheishere.
“Imeanit.Okay?”hedemandsinasoftvoice.
“Isaidokay.Justdon’tleavemeupherealoneforlong,”Iplead.
“I won’t. We should go sign that paperwork tomorrow for the apartment.
RightafteryougetdoneatVance.Idon’twanttoworryaboutthiskindofshit
again.”
Idon’twanttohavetodealwiththesepartiesandmysmalldormanymore.I
want to eat my meals in a kitchen instead of a dining hall, and I want the
freedom of being an adult. Spending time on campus and living there only
remindsmehowyoungweactuallyare.
“Allright,Iwillbebacksoon.LockthedoorwhenIgooutanddon’topenit
again—Ihaveakey.”Heswiftlykissesmylipsandturnsforthedoor.
“Geez, you act like someone is going to murder me,” I joke, to break the
tension,notthathereturnsthelaughbeforewalkingoutoftheroom.Irollmy
eyesbutlockthedooranyway;thelastthingIwanttodealwithisdrunkpeople
wanderinginherelookingforaplacetofoolaround.
I turn on his television, hoping to drown out some of the noise from
downstairs,butmymindkeepswanderingtowhat’sgoingondownthere.Why
isHardinsointimidatedbyJace,andwhyisJacesuchacreep?Aretheyplaying
theirusualimmaturegameofTruthorDareagain?WhatifHardinisdaredto
kissMolly?Whatifsheissittingonhislaplikebefore?IhatethejealousythatI
feeltowardher—itdrivesmeinsane.IknowHardinhassleptwithandfooled
aroundwithmanydifferentgirls,Stephincluded,butMollyjustgetsundermy
skin.Maybeit’sbecauseIknowshedoesn’tlikemeandshetriestoshoveher
flingwithHardindownmythroat.
Andyoucaughtherstraddlinghimwithhertonguedownhisthroatthefirst
timeyoumether,mysubconsciousremindsme.
Andeventuallyallthesethoughtsgettome;IknowIshouldstayputandkeep
thedoorlocked,butmyfeethaveotherplansandbeforeIknowit,Iamtaking
thestepstwoatatimetofindHardin.
When I reach the bottom of the stairs I spot Molly’s hideous pink hair and
barelythereoutfit.Muchtomyrelief,Hardinisn’tanywheretobefound.
“Well,well,well,”avoicefrombehindmesays.IturntoseeJacestanding
lessthanafootaway.
“Hardinsaidyouweren’tfeelingwell.He’salwayslying,thatone.”Hesmiles
andpullsalighteroutofhispocket.Heflicksthetopwithhisthumb,igniting
theflame,andbringsittothehemofhisjeanvesttoburnoffsomeofthefringe.
I decide to keep Hardin’s lie going. “I wasn’t, but I’m feeling a bit better
now.”
“Soquickly?”Helaughs,obviouslyamused.
Theroomfeelsmuchsmallernowandthepartycrowdseemslarger.Inodand
surveytheroom,desperatetofindHardin.
“Come,Iwantyoutomeetsomeofmyfriends,”Jacesays.Hisvoicenever
failstosendashiverdownmyspine.
“Um...IthinkIsh-shouldfindHardin,”Istutter.
“Aww,comeon.Hardinisovertherewiththemanyway,”hesaysandmoves
toputhisarmovermyshoulder.
ItakeastepasidetopretendthatIdidn’tnoticehisgesture.Iconsidergoing
backupstairssoHardindoesn’tknowIcamedowninthefirstplace,butIgetthe
feelingJacewillfollowmeortellHardin.Mostlikelyboth.
“Okay,” I say, giving in. I follow Jace through the crowd, and he leads me
outsidetothebackyard.It’sdarkbutforafewporchlights.Istarttofeelnervous
about following Jace out into the dark yard until my eyes meet Hardin’s. His
widen with surprise, then anger, and he moves to stand up but then sits back
down.
“LookwhoIfoundwanderingaroundallbyherself,”Jacesaysandgestures
tome.
“Iseethat,”Hardinmumbles.Heispissed.
Istandinfrontofthesmallcircleofunrecognizablefacessittingaroundwhat
lookslikeafirepitmadefromlargerocks,notthatthere’sanyfiregoing.There
aresomegirlsthere,butmostlyit’sprettytough-lookingguys.
“Comehere,”Hardinsaysandscootsoversothereisroomformeontherock
thatheissittingon.
ItakeaseatandHardingivesmealookthatsaysifallthesepeopleweren’t
around he would be absolutely screaming at me. Jace leans over and says
somethingintotheearofaguywitharipped-upwhiteshirtandblackhair.
“Whyaren’tyouinmyroom?”Hardinsaysquietlybutforcefully.
“I...Idon’tknow.IthoughtmaybeMolly...”Ibegintosaybutrealizehow
stupiditsounds.
“You’re not serious,” he says with a hint of exasperation and runs his hand
overhishair.Theattentionisputbackonuswhentheblack-hairedguyhands
meabottleofvodka.“Shedoesn’tdrink,”Hardinsaysandgrabs it out of my
hands.
“Damn, Scott, she can speak for herself,” another guy says. He has a nice
smileanddoesn’tseemascreepyasJaceortheguywiththeblackhair.
Hardin laughs lightly, though I can tell it’s a fake laugh. “Mind your own
business,Ronnie,”Hardinsaysinalighttone.
“Sowho’supforagame?”JaceasksandIlookatHardin.
“Please tell me you guys don’t play Truth or Dare at parties too. Honestly,
whatisupwithplayinggames,anyway?”Igroan.
“Ooh,Ilikeher.Niceandfeisty,”RonniesaysandIlaugh.
“Whosaysthereisanythingwrongwithplayingafewgamesnowandthen?”
JaceslursandHardintensesnexttome.
“No,actuallywewerethinkingofstrippoker,”anotherguysays.
“Oh,noway,”Itellthem.
“Whataboutsuckandblow?”JacesaysandIcringeandblush.Iamnotsure
whatthatis,butitdoesn’tsoundlikesomethingIwanttoplaywiththisgroup.
“Neverheardofit.Butno,thanks,”Isay.IseeHardinsmileoutofthecorner
ofmyeye.
“It’safungame,morefunwhenyouhavehadadrinkortwo,”amalevoice
saysfromsomewhere.
IthinkaboutgrabbingthebottlefromHardinandtakingadrink,butIhaveto
getupearlyandIdon’twanttohaveahangover.
“Wedon’thaveenoughgirlstoplaysuckandblow,anyway,”Ronniesays.
“Icangetsome,”Jacesaysanddisappearsintothehousebeforeanyonecan
protest.
“Gobackupstairs,please,”HardinsaysquietlysoonlyIcanhear.
“Ifyoucomewithme,”Irespond.
“Okay,let’sgo.”
But as we stand up, a groan goes up from the circle. “Where you going,
Scott?”oneoftheguysasks.
“Upstairs,”heanswers.
“Comeon,wehaven’tseenyouinmonths.Hangoutforalittlewhilelonger.”
HardinlooksatmeandIshrug.“Allright,fine,”Hardinsaysandguidesme
backtothelargestone.“I’llberightback.Stayherethistime.Imeanit,”hetells
meand Iroll myeyes, findingit prettyironic thathe’sleaving mealone with
whatissupposedlytheworstgroupofpeoplehere.
“Whereareyougoing?”Iaskhimbeforehewalksaway.
“Togetadrink.Youmayneedone,too.”Hesmilesandgoesinside.
I stare at the sky and the fire pit alternately to avoid any awkward
conversation.Itdoesn’twork.
“SohowlonghaveyouandHardinknowneachother?”Ronnieasksandtakes
aswigofliquor.
“A few months,” I answer politely. Something about Ronnie is comforting;
mysensesaren’tonhighalertwithhimliketheyarewithJace.
“Oh,sonotlong,then?”hesays.
“Um, yeah, I guess. Not long. How long have you known him?” I ask,
realizingImightaswellusethisopportunitytogetasmuchinformationabout
Hardinaspossible.
“Sincelastyear.”
“Wheredidyoumeethim?”Itrytosoundcasual.
“Party.Well,alotofparties.”Helaughs.
“Oh,you’rehisfriend,then?”
“Noseylittlething,aren’tyou?”theguywiththeblackhairchimesin.
“Sure am,” I reply and he laughs. They aren’tso bad, not as bad as Hardin
madethemouttobe.Whereishe,anyway?
A few moments laterHardin appearswith Jaceand threegirls behind them.
Whatthehell?JaceandHardinseemtobeinconversationandJacepatsHardin
onthebackandtheybothlaugh.
Hardin’s handsarefull with tworedcups. I’m justrelievedthatMolly isn’t
amongthegroupofgirlstrailingthem.Hesitsbackdownontherockwithme
andgivesmeaplayfullittlelook.Atleastheseemstobemorerelaxedthanhe
wasbeforehewalkedaway.
“Here,”hesaysandhandsmeoneofthecups.
Istareatitforasecondbeforegrabbingitfromhim.Onedrinkwon’thurt.I
recognize the taste instantly; the night that Zed and I kissed we had been
drinkingthese.HardinstaresatmeandIlickmylipstocollectthetasteofthe
drink.
“Nowwehaveenoughgirls,”Jacesaysandgesturestothenewcomers.
Ilookovertothemandfighttheinstincttojudge.Theyare scantilycladin
skirts,andtheirshirts areidenticalexceptthecolors.Theonein thepinkshirt
smilesatme,soIdecidethatIlikeherthebest.
“Youaren’tplaying,”Hardinsaysinmyear.IwanttotellhimthatIwilldo
whatever the hell I please, but he leans into me and puts his arm around my
waist.Ilookupathim,obviouslysurprised,buthejustsmiles.
“Iloveyou,”hewhispers.HislipsarecoldagainstmyearandIshiver.
“Okay,soeveryoneknowshowthisworks,”Jacesaysloudly.“Weallneedto
getinasmallercircle.Butfirst,let’sreallygetthepartygoing.”Hesmirksand
pullssomethingoutofhispocket.Hislighterappearsagainandlightsthesmall
whiteobject.
“It’s pot,” Hardin tells me quietly. I figured that it was, even if I haven’t
actuallyseenmarijuanabefore.
InodandwatchasJacebringsthejointtohislipsandletsoutalargepuffof
smoke before holding it out in front of Hardin. Hardin shakes his head and
declines.Ronniegrabsitandinhalesdeeply,coughingloudly.
“Tessa?”Ronniesaysandholdsitout.
“No.No,thanks,”IsayandleanfartherintoHardin.
“Allright,then,let’splay,”oneofthegirlssaysandpullssomethingfromher
purse as everyone moves from their rocks and forms a smaller circle on the
grass.
“Comeon,Hardin!”Jacegroans,butHardinshakeshishead.
“I’mgood,man,”hesays.
“Weneedonemore girl then,unlessyou want totakethe chance of having
Dan’stonguedownyourthroat.”Ronnielaughs.Danmustbetheguywiththe
blackhair.Aquietredheadwithalotoffacialhairtakesahitfromthejointand
passesitbacktoJace.IfinishthelastsipofmydrinkandreachforHardin’s.He
liftsabrowatmebutletsmetakeit.
“I’llgrabMolly.Godknowsshe’llbedown,”thegirlinthepinkshirtsays.
WhenIhearhername,myhatredforMollytakesovermycommonsenseand
Iblurtout,“I’llplay.”
“Really?”Jacequestions.
“Issheallowed?”DanaskswithasmirkandlooksatHardin.
“I can do what I please, thank you,” I say and give him an innocent smile
despitemybitchytone.
IknowbetterthantolookatHardin;healreadytoldmenottoplay,butIjust
couldn’tkeepmybigmouthshut.Idowntherestofhisdrink,thentakeaseat
nexttothegirlinthepinkshirt.
“Youhavetositinbetweentwoguys,”thegirltellsme.
“Oh,okay,”Isayandgetup.
“I’m playing, too,” Hardin grumbles and sits down. I sit next to him
instinctively,butstillavoideyecontact.Jacesitsonmyotherside.
“I think Hardin should sit over here to make things more interesting,” Dan
says,andtheredheadnodsinagreement.
Hardinrollshiseyesandmovesacrossfromme.Idon’tgetthepointofthis
seatingarrangement—whydoesitmatterwhositsbywhom?WhenDanmoves
tositnexttome,Ibegintofeelnervous.SittingbetweenhimandJaceismore
thanuncomfortable.
“Canwestart?”thegirlingreenwhines.SheissittingbetweenHardinandthe
redhead.Jacegrabswhatlookslikeapieceofpaperfromoneofthegirlsand
putsittohismouth.
What?
“Ready?”heasksme.
“Idon’tknowhowtoplay,”Iconfessandhearoneofthegirlssnicker.
“Youputyourmouthontheothersideofthepaperandsuckin;thepointisto
notletthepaperfall.Ifitfalls,youkiss,”heexplains.
Ohno.IlookoveratHardin,butheisfocusedonJace.
“Startthiswaysoshecansee,”thegirlontheothersideofJacesays.
Idon’tlikethisgameatall.Ihopeitsomehowendsbeforeit’smyturn.Or
Hardin’s. Besides, they seem a little old to be playing these ridiculous games.
Whatis it with college kidswanting to kiss random peopleevery chance they
get?IwatchasthepaperispassedbetweenJace’sandthegirl’smouth;itdoesn’t
drop. I hold my breath as Hardin retrieves the paper from the one girl, then
passesittotheother.Ifhekissesoneofthem...Iletoutmybreathwhenit
doesn’tfall.Thepaperfallsbetweentheredheadandthegirlintheyellowshirt
andtheirlipsmeet.Hermouthopensandtheykisswithtongue,makingmelook
awayandcringe.Iwanttogetupandleavethecircle,butmybodystaysstill.I
amnext.
OhGod,Iamnext.IgulpasDanturnstomewiththepaperonhislips.I’m
stillnotentirelysurewhatIamsupposedtodo,soIjustclosemyeyesandgoto
putmymouthontheothersideandsuckin.Ifeelhotairthroughthepaperas
Danblowsontoit,butIcantellit’stoohardandthere’snowaythepaperwon’t
fall. Right as I feel the paper hitmy leg, I feel Dan’s hotbreath as his mouth
movesclosertomine.Thesecondhislipsbrushmineheispulledaway.
Iopenmyeyes,butbythetimemymindcancatchuptowhatishappening,
HardinisontopofDanandhashishandslatchedaroundtheguy’sneck.
chaptereighty-four
IscramblebackwardwithmyhandsasHardinliftsDan’shead,hishandsstill
wrapped around his neck, and slams it down into the grass. For a second I
wonderifHardinwouldhavedonethesamewereweontheconcreteporchor
nearthefirepitstones,andIfeellikemyanswercomesintheformofHardin
raisingonefisthighandslammingitintoDan’sjaw.
“Hardin!” I scream and climb to my feet. Everyone else just stares, Jace
seemingamusedandevenRonnieentertained.
“Stophim!”Ibeg,butJaceshakeshisheadasHardin’sfistconnectsagainto
Dan’salreadybloodyface.
“This has been coming for a while; let them hash it out.” He smirks at me.
“Wantadrink?”
“What?No,Idon’twantadrink!Whatthehelliswrongwithyou!”Iyell.
Acrowdhasnowgatheredaroundandpeoplearecheeringonthefight.Ihave
yet to see Dan hit Hardin, for which I’m glad, but I definitelywant Hardin to
stophurtingDan.I’mtooafraidtotrytostophimmyself,sowhenZedappears
intheyard,Iyellforhim.Hiseyesfindmeimmediatelyandhejogsover.
“Stop him, please!” I yell. Everyone seems excited about this except me. If
Hardinkeepshittinghim,hewillkillhim.Iknowit.
ZedgivesmeaquicknodandtakesafewstepsovertoHardin.Hewrapshis
fistinto Hardin’s shirt andpulls himbackward. Hardinis caught offguard,so
he’seasilyseparatedfromDan’spronebody.Enraged,Hardintakesaswingat
Zed,butZeddodgeshisfistandputsbothofhishandsonHardin’sshoulders.
HesayssomethingtoHardinthatIcan’tmakeoutandthennodshisheadtoward
me. Hardin’s eyes are blazing, his knuckles bloody and his shirt ripped from
Zed’s grip.Hischestis pumping upanddown rapidly,likehe’sawildanimal
afterakill.Idon’tmakeamovetowalktowardhim;Iknowhowangryheisat
me. I can tell. I am not afraid of Hardin the way I probably should be. Even
though I just witnessed him completely losing his temper in the worst way
possible,Iknowthathewouldneverphysicallyhurtme.
With the excitement winding down, almost everyone begins to move back
insidethehouse.Dan’scrumpledbodyliesonthegroundandJaceleansdownto
helphimup.Hestumblestohisfeetandliftshisshirtuptowipehisbloodyface
off,spittingoutamixtureofbloodandsalivathatmakesmelookaway.
Hardin’s head turns to lookwhere Danis andhe triesto takea steptoward
him.ZedholdsHardintighttostophim.
“Fuckyou,Scott!”Danyells.Jacestepsbetweenthem.Oh,nowhewantsto
dosomething.“Justwaituntilyourlittle—”Danshouts.
“Shutthefuckup,”JacesnapsandDan’smouthcloses.
DanlooksatmeandItakeastepback.IwonderwhatJacemeantby“thishas
beencomingforawhile.”HardinandDanseemedfinetogetherafewminutes
ago.
“Goinside!”Hardinyells,andIimmediatelyknowthatheistalkingtome.
Idecidetolistentohim,foronce,andturnaroundandrunintothehouse.I
knowthateveryoneisstaringatmebutIdon’tcare.Ipushmywaythroughthe
crowdedhouse and rush up toHardin’sroom. I must have forgottento lockit
when I left, and, to add to my horror, there is a big red spot on the carpet.
Someonemusthavestumbledinhereandspilledadrinkonthetancarpet.Great.
Ihurrytothebathroomandgrabatowelandturnthesinkon. IlockHardin’s
dooronceIstepinsideandfuriouslywipethestain,butthewateronlyspreads
thespotandmakesitmuchworse.ThedoorclicksandItrytostandbeforehe
enters.
“Whatthehellareyoudoing?”Hiseyesmovetothetowelinmyhandthento
thespotonthefloor.
“Someone... I forgottolockthedoor when Iwentdownstairs,”Isay and
lookathim.Hisnostrilsflareandhetakesadeepbreath.“I’msorry,”Isay.
TheangerisradiatingoffhimandIcan’tevenbeangrywithhimbecauseall
ofthisismyfault.IfIwouldhavejustlistenedtohimandstayedintheroom,
noneofthiswouldhavehappened.
HerunshishandsoverhisfaceinfrustrationandItakeasteptowardhim.His
fingers are busted and bloody, reminding me of his fight at the stadium. He
surprisesmebygrabbingthetowelfrommyhandsandIreflexivelyjumpbacka
little.Hiseyesflashwithconfusionandhetiltshisheadslightlyasheusesthe
nonstainedportionofthetoweltowipehisknucklesoff.
Iexpectedhimtobargethroughthedoorandbreakthingswhilescreamingat
me;insteadIamgrantedwithhissilence,whichturnsouttobemuchworse.
“Couldyoupleasesaysomething?”Ibeg.
Hiswordscomeevenslowerthanusual.“Trustme,Tessa,youdon’twantme
tospeakrightnow.”
“Yes,Ido,”Itellhim.Ican’tstandhisangrysilence.
“No,youdon’t,”hegrowls.
“Yes, I do! I need you to talk to me, tell me what the hell happened down
there!” I wave my hands toward the window and he clenches his fists by his
sides.
“Goddamnit,Tessa!Youalwayshavetopushandpush!Itoldyoutostayin
myfuckingroom—multiple times—and whatthefuck did youdo? You didn’t
listen,asusual!WhyisitsodamnhardforyoutolistentowhatIsay?”heyells
andslamshisfistagainstthesideofhisdresser,crackingthewood.
“Because,Hardin,youdon’tjustgettotellmewhattodoallthetime!”Iyell
back.
“Thatisn’twhatIamdoing.Iwastryingtokeepyouawayfromshitlikewhat
justhappened.Ialreadywarnedyouthattheyaren’tagoodgroupofpeople,yet
youpranceouttherewithJaceandthenvolunteeryourselftoplaythatfucking
game!Whatthefuckwasthat?”Thedeepveinsinhisneckarestrainingagainst
hisskinsotightlythatIfeartheymaybreakthrough.
“Ididn’tknowwhatthegamewas!”
“YouknewIdidn’twantyoutoplay,andtheonlyreasonyouwantedtoplay
wasbecauseMolly’snamewasmentionedbecauseofthiscrazyobsessionyou
havewithher!”
“Excuseme?Crazyobsession?MaybeIdon’tlikethefactthatmyboyfriend
usedtosleepwithher!”Mycheeksflame.MyjealousyanddisliketowardMolly
arealittlecrazybutHardinjustchokedaguyforalmostkissingme.
“Well, sorry to break it to you, but if you’re going to have a problem with
everyonethatIsleptwith,youmaywanttotransferschools,”heexclaimsand
mymouthfallsopen.“Youdidn’thaveaproblemwiththegirlsdownstairs,”he
addsandmyheartgoesfrantic.
“Whatgirls?”Mybreathcatches.“Thosethreethatwereplayingwithus?”
“Yeah, and just about every other girl in this place.” His voice holds no
emotionasheglaresatme.
ItrytocomeupwithsomethingtosaybutIamatalossforwords.Thefact
thatHardinhassleptwithallthreeofthosegirlsandbasicallytheentirefemale
population at WCU makes me nauseous—and the worst part is how he just
threwitinmyface.ImustlooklikesuchafoolhangingaroundHardinwhen
everyoneelsefiguresI’mjustoneofthemanygirlshe’ssleptwith.Iknewhe
wouldbepissed-off,butthisistoofar,evenforHardin.Ifeellikewehavegone
backintimetowhenIfirstmethimandhewouldpurposelymakemecryonan
almostdailybasis.
“What?Surprised?Youshouldn’tbe,”hesays.
“No.”AndI’mnotsurprised,notonebit.I’mhurt.Notabouthispast,justthe
way he treated me out of anger. He said it that way just to hurt me. I blink
rapidlytostopthetearsfromcoming,butwhenitdoesn’tworkIturnawayand
wipemyeyes.
“Justgo,”hesaysandwalkstowardthedoor.
“What?”Iaskandturntofacehim.
“Justgo,Tessa.”
“Gowhere?”
Hedoesn’tevenlookatme.“Backtoyourroom...Idon’tknow...butyou
can’tstayhere.”
Thisisnotat allwhatIthoughtwouldhappen.Thepainin mychestgrows
witheverysecondofsilencethatpassesbetweenus.Partofmewantstobeghim
toletmestay,andtoarguewithhimuntilhetellsmewhyhereactedthewayhe
did downstairs, but a bigger part of me is embarrassed and hurt by his cool
dismissal.Igrabmybagoffthebedandslingitovermyshoulder.WhenIreach
the door, I look back at Hardin and hope that he will apologize or change his
mind,butheturnstothewindowandcompletelyignoresme.Ihavenoideahow
I will get back to the dorms, since Hardin drove me here and I had every
intentionofstayingthenightwithhim.Idon’trememberthelasttimeIstayed
aloneinmyroom,andthethoughtunnervesme.Thedrivetothishouseseems
likedaysago,insteadofhours.
When I reach the bottom of the stairs, someone tugs at the back of my
sweatshirt, and I hold my breath as I turn around, silently praying that it isn’t
JaceorDan.
It’s Hardin.“Comebackupstairs,”hesays,hisvoicedesperateandhiseyes
red.
“Why?Ithoughtyouwantedmetoleave.”Istareatthewallbehindhim.
Hesighsandgrabsthebagfrommyshoulderandwalksbackupthestairs.I
thinkaboutjustlettinghimhavethebagandleavinganyway,butmystubborn
attitudeiswhatgotmeinthissituationinthefirstplace.
Ihuffandfollowhimbacktothisroom.Whenthedoorclosesheturnsaround
andbacksmeupagainstthedoor.
Helooksintomyeyes.“I’msorry.”Hepusheshishipsagainstmineandputs
oneofhisarmsagainstthedoorclosetomyheadsoIcan’tmove.
“Me,too,”Iwhisper.
“Ijust...Ilosemytempersometimes.Ididn’treallysleepwiththosegirls.
Well,notallthreeofthem.”
Ifeelalittlerelievedbutnotcompletely.
“Myfirstinstinctwhen I get angryistocome back evenharder, to hurtthe
otherpersonasmuchasIcan.ButIdon’twantyoutoleave,andI’msorryfor
scaring you by beating the shit out of Dan. I am trying to change, change for
you...tobewhatyoudeserve,butit’shardforme.Especiallywhenyoudo
thingstopurposelypissmeoff,”hesays.Hebringshishandtomycheekand
wipesthedryingtearsleftthere.
“Iwasn’tscaredofyou,”Isay.
“Whynot?ItseemedlikeyouwerewhenIgrabbedthetowel.”
“No...well,Iwasalittlewhenyougrabbedthetowel,becauseofthestain
onthefloor.ButreallyIwasmoreafraidforyouwhenyouwerefightingDan.”
“Afraidforme?”Hepuffshisshouldersupalittleandbrags,“Hedidn’tgeta
hitonme.”
Irollmyeyes.“Imeantthatyouwouldendupkillinghimorsomething.You
couldgetinalotoftroubleforassaultinghim,”Iexplain.
Hardinchuckles.“Letmegetthisstraight:youwereworriedaboutthelegal
repercussionsofourfight?”
“Stoplaughing.I’mstillmadatyou,”Itellhimandcrossmyarms.I’mnot
exactlysurewhatIamupsetaboutexcepthimtellingmetoleave.
“I am still pissed at you, too, but you’re very amusing.” He presses his
foreheadagainstmine.“Youdrivemecrazy,”hesays.
“Iknow.”
“You never listen to me and you always fight me on everything. You are
stubbornandborderlineintolerable.”
“Iknow,”Irepeat.
“You provoke me and cause me a shitload of unnecessary stress, not to
mentionyoualmostmadeoutwithDanrightinfrontofme.”Hislipstouchmy
neckandIshiver.
“Yousaythemostannoyingthingsandyouactlikeachildwhenyou’remad.”
Despite the insults he is throwing at me—complaints about things that, deep
down,Ithinkhereallyenjoysaboutme—mystomachisflutteringashekisses
myskinandcontinueshislightverbalassault.Hepusheshishipsagainstmine
again,moreforcefullythistime.
“Butallthatbeingsaid...Ialsohappentobevigorouslyinlovewithyou,”
hesaysandsucksharshlyonsensitiveskinbelowmyear.
Ipushmyhandsthroughhishair,makinghimgroan,andheputsbothofhis
handsonmywaist,pullingmetohim.Iknowtherearemorethingstobesaid,
moreproblemstobesolved,butrightnowallIwantistogetlostinHardinand
forgetabouttonight.
chaptereighty-five
In what feels like a desperate attempt to be closer to me as we kiss, Hardin
movesahandtothebackofmyneck.Icansenseallofhisangerandfrustration
being transferred into lust and affection—his mouth is hungry and his kisses
sloppyashewalksbackwardwithourlipsstillattached.Heguidesmewithone
hand on my hip and the other behind my head, but I trip over his feet and
stumblejustashislegsreachtheendofhisbed,causingbothofustofallback
ontoit.Inanattempttowrestlecontrolfromhim,Istraddlehistorsoandpull
my sweatshirt and tanktop over my head at the same time, leavingme in my
lacybra. Hiseyes widen andhe triesto pullme down tokiss him,but Ihave
otherplans.
Reachingbehindmyback,myrushedfingersfindmybraclaspandIunsnap
it before pulling the straps down my shoulders and letting it drop to the bed
behindme.Hardin’shandsarewarmashereachesupandcupsmybreastsinhis
large palms, kneading them roughly. Grabbing his wrists, I remove his hands
from my skin and shake my head. His head tilts in confusion before I climb
downhisbodyandunbuttonhispants.Hehelpsmetugthemdowntohisknees
along with his boxers. My fingers immediately grip his length—he gasps, and
whenIlookathisfacehiseyesareclosed.Ipumpslowlybeforedippingdown
andbravelytakinghimintomymouth.Itrytorememberhisinstructionsfrom
lasttimeandrepeatthethingsthatIknowheliked.
“Fuck . . . Tessa,” he pants and wraps his hands into my hair. This is the
longesthehas been silentduringanysexual experience wehaveshared, and I
realizemuchtomyownamusementthatImissedhisdirtywords.
I move my body while continuing to please him and end up between his
knees.
Hesitsupandwatchesme.“Youlooksosexylikethis,withthatsmartmouth
ofyourswrappedaroundme,”hesaysandgripsmyhairharder.
Ifeeltheheatgatheringbetweenmylegsandmovemyheadfaster,wantingto
hearhimmoanmynameagain.Mytonguelapsaroundthetipofhimandhelifts
hishipsslightlyoffthebed,pushinghimselfdownmythroat.Myeyesbeginto
waterandIcanbarelybreathe,buthearingmynamefallfromhislipsoverand
overagainmakesitthatmuchbetter.Secondslater,heremoveshishandsfrom
myhairandcupsmyface,stoppingmefrommovingfurther.Themetallicscent
ofhisbloodyknuckleshitsmynose,butIignorethereflextopullaway.
“I’mgoingtocome...”hetellsme.“Soifthereisanythingelseyou...you
know,wanttodobeforethen,youshouldstopblowingme.”
Idon’twanttospeak,togiveawayhowdesperateIamtohavehimmakelove
to me, so I simplystand up and slide my jeans down my legs and step out of
them.WhenIbegintoremovemypantiesHardin’shandreachesoutandstops
me.
“I want you to leave these on . . . for now,” he coos. I nod and gulp,
anticipation consuming me. “Come here.” He gestures and pulls his shirt over
hishead.Scootingtotheedgeofthebed,hepullsmeontohim.
Our feverish exchange in the beginning has slowed and the angry tension
betweenushasdecreased.Hardin’schestisflushedandhiseyesarewild.The
feelingofsittingonhislapwhileheiscompletelynakedandready—andIam
only dressed in panties—is exquisite. He presses the small of my back, the
lengthof his one outstretched hand there holdingme in place as his lips meet
mineonceagain.
“Iloveyou,”hewhispersintomymouthashisfingersmovemypantiestothe
side.“I...loveyou...”
Igaspattheimmediatepleasureoftheintrusion.Hemoveshisfingersslowly,
tooslowly,andIinstinctivelyrockbackandforthtocreateafasterpace.
“That’sit,baby...fuck...You’realwayssoreadyforme,”hegroansandI
continue to rock against his hand. My breathing and moans intensify—it still
surprises me how quickly my body responds to Hardin. He knows every little
thingtodoandsay.
“Youaregoingtolistentomefromnowon.AmIright?”hesaysagainstmy
neck,gentlybitingtheskin.
What?
“TellmeyouwilllistentomeorIwon’tletyoucome.”
Hecan’tbeserious.“Hardin...”Ipleaandtrytomovefaster,buthestops
me.
“Okay...Okay...justplease,”Ibegandhesmirks.Iwanttoslaphimfor
doingthisrightnow.HeisusingmymostvulnerabletimeagainstmebutIcan’t
find my anger through my need for him. I am all too aware of his bare skin
againstmine,onlymythinpantiesbetweenus.
“Please,”Irepeatandhenods.
“Good girl,” he says in my ear and guides my hips to move again as his
fingerspumpinandout.
I feel myself inchingcloser and closerto the edgein no timeat all. Hardin
whispersfilthythingsinmyear,theforeignwordsurgingmeoninawaythatI
can’tdescribe.Theyarecompletelyfilthybutwelcome,andIgripontohisarms
tokeepmyselffromfallingoffthebedasIcomeundoneunderhistouch.
“Openyoureyes.IwanttowatchwhatonlyIcandotoyou,”heinstructsand
Idomybesttokeepthemopenasmyorgasmovertakesme.
Afterward, my head falls onto his chest and my arms wrap under his arms,
hugginghimtightasItrytocatchmybreath.
“Ican’tbelieveyoutriedto...”Ibegintoscoldhim,buthesilencesmeby
runninghistonguealongmybottomlip.MybreathcomesoutinspurtsasIam
still recovering from my high. I reach my hand down in between us and grab
holdofhim.Hewincesandpullsmylipbetweenhis,suckinglightly.Idecideto
takeapagefromtheHardinScottsexhandbookandgriphimharder.
“Apologize, and I will give you what you want,” I say as seductively as I
possiblycanintohisear.
“What?”Hisfaceispriceless.
“Youheardme.”Ikeepmyfaceneutralandpumphiminonehandandslide
myfingersovermysoakingpantieswiththeother.
HewhimpersasIrubhimagainstme.
“I’m sorry,” he blurts, his cheeks a deep shade of red. “Just let me fuck
you...please,”hebegsandIlaugh.Mylaughteriscutshortbyhimreaching
overtothenightstandandpullingoutasmallpacket.Hewastesnotimeputting
thecondomonandkissingmeagain.
“Idon’tknowifyouarereadytodoitthisway,withyouaboveme.Ifit’stoo
intense,tell me.Okay,baby?” And like thathe’s back to the sweet andgentle
Hardin.
“Okay,”Ianswer.
He lifts me up slightly and I feel the condom brush against me and then
fullnessashelowersmeontohim.
“Ohmy,”Isayandclosemyeyes.
“Isitokay?”
“Yeah...just...d-different,”Istammer.
Ithurts,notnearly as muchasbefore, but thefeelingisstillunpleasant and
foreign.Ikeepmyeyesclosedandmovemyhipsalittle,tryingtodecreasethe
pressure.
“Good,different,orbad?”Hisvoiceisstrainedandtheveininhisforeheadis
showing.
“Shh...stoptalking,”Isayandmoveagain.
Hemoansandapologizes,promisingtogivemeaminutetoadjust.Ihaveno
ideahowmuchtimepassesbeforeImovemyhipsagain.Thediscomforteases
dramaticallythemoreImove,andatsomepointHardinwrapshisarmsaround
myback, hugging mecloseto himashe movestomeet my hips.This way is
muchbetter,himholdingmeaswemovetogether.Oneofmyhandsrestsonhis
chest,holdingmyweightasmylegsstarttotire.Iignoretheburnofmymuscles
andcontinuetoridehisbodythisway.IkeepmyeyesopentowatchHardinasa
beadofsweatrollsdownhisforehead.Watchinghimlikethis,withhislowerlip
pulledbetweenhisteeth,hiseyessofocusedonmyfacethatIswearIcanfeel
theburnfromthemonmyskin,isoverwhelminginthebestway.
“Youareeverythingtome.Ican’tloseyou,”hesaysasmylipsmoveoverhis
neckandshoulder.Hisskinissaltyanddampandperfect.“I’mclose,baby,so
fuckingclose.You’redoingsogood,baby.”Hegroansandmoveshishandsup
anddownmybackasItrytopickupspeed.Helaceshisfingersthroughmine
andtheintimacyofthegesturemakesmeweak.IlovehisencouragementandI
lovehim.
Ifeel my stomachtightening as Hardingrips theback of myneck withone
hand.HecontinuestowhisperhowmuchImeantohimashisbodygrowstense.
Istare, completely consumedby hiswords andthe way histhumb isbrushing
overmyclit,bringingmetoaquickandpowerfulrelease.Ourmoansintertwine
alongwithourbodiesaswefinish.Hepracticallyfallsback,lyingonthebed,
and takes me with him. I barely notice him discarding the condom as I come
backtoreality.
“I’m glad you followed me down the stairs,” I finally say after a long but
pleasant silence. With my head lying on his bare chest, I can hear his rapid
heartbeatslowing.
“Me,too.Iwasn’tgoingto,butIhadto.Iamsorryfortellingyoutoleave.I
canbeanassholesometimes,”hesays.
Iliftmyheadupandlookathim.“Sometimes?”Ismile.
Heliftsoneofhishandsoffmybackandpokesmeonthenosewithhisindex
finger, making me giggle. “You weren’t complaining five minutes ago,” he
pointsout.
Ishakemyheadandlayitbackdownontohisclammyskin.Myfingerstrace
the simpleheart-shaped tattoo near his shoulder and I notice the goose bumps
raiseonhisskin.Itisn’tlostonmethattheheartiscoloredinwithsolidblack
ink.
“That’sbecauseyou’rebetteratthatstuffthanyouareatdating,”Itease.
“Iwon’targuethere.”Hechucklesandmovesmyhairfrommyface.Oneof
myfavoritethingsthathedoesiswhenhecaressesmycheek.Hisfingertipsare
rough,buttheysomehowfeellikesilkagainstmyskin.
“What happened between you and Dan? I mean before tonight?” I ask. I
probablyshouldn’t,butIhavetoknow.
“What?WhotoldyoutherewasaproblembetweenDanandme?”Heliftsmy
chintolookathim.
“Jace. He didn’t say what it was, though; he just said it was ‘coming for a
while.’Whatdidhemeanbythat?”
“Justsomebullshitthingthathappenedlastyear.It’snothingforyoutoworry
about.Ipromise,”hesays,andsmilesasmilethatdoesn’textendtohiseyesbut
Idon’tfeellikepushingit.
I’mjusthappythatweworkedthroughourproblemforonceandthatweare
gettingbetteratcommunicatingwithoneanother.
“You’regoingtomeetmeafteryouleaveVancetomorrow,right?Idon’twant
anyonetotakethatapartmentbeforeus,”hesays.
“Wedon’thaveanyfurniture,”Iremindhim.
“Itcomesfurnished.Butwecanaddthingsorchangewhateverwewantafter
wemovein.”
“Howmuchisit?”Iask.IknowIdon’twanttoheartheanswertothat.Ican
onlyimaginehowexpensiveitisifitcomesalreadyfurnished.
“Don’tworryaboutthat;allyouneedtoworryaboutishowmuchthecable
willbe.”Hesmilesandkissesmyforehead.“Sowhatdoyousay?You’restillin,
right?”
“Andgroceries,”Ipointoutandhefrowns.“Butyes,Iamstillin.”
“Areyougoingtotellyourmother?”
“Idon’tknow.Iwilleventually,butIalreadyknowwhatshe’sgoingtosay.
MaybeIshouldlethergetusedtothefactthatwe’retogetherfirst.Weareso
young and already moving in together, I don’t want to send her into a mental
ward.”Iletoutalaughdespitetheslightpaininmychest.Iwishthingscouldbe
simple with my mother and she could be happy for me, but I know that isn’t
plausible.
“I am sorry that this is happening between the two of you. I know it’s my
fault,butI’mfartooselfishtoremovemyselffromthesituation.”
“It’snotyourfault.Sheisjust...well,sheisthewaysheis,”Isayandkiss
hischest.
“You need to get to sleep, baby; you have to be up in the morning and it’s
almostmidnight,”hesays.
“Midnight?Ithoughtitwasmuchlater,”Isayandrolloffhimandlieinfront
ofhim.
“Well,ifyou weren’tso tight, Iwould have lastedlonger,” he says intomy
ear.
“Goodnight!”Igroaninembarrassment.
Helaughsandkissesthebackofmyneckbeforeturningthelightoff.
chaptereighty-six
Thenextmorning,brightandearly,IscramblearoundHardin’sroom,gathering
mythingstotakeashower.
“I’mcomingwithyou,”hegroans,butIlaugh.
“No,you’renot.Youknowit’sonlysixa.m.,right?Whathappenedtoyour
seven-thirtyrule?”Iteaseandgrabmybag.
“Iamgoingtowalkyouthere.”Ilovehisraspymorningvoice.
“Walkmewhere?Tothebathroom?”Iscoffasherollsoutofbed.“I’mabig
girl.Icanwalkmyselfdownthehall.”
“You’redoinganamazingjobatlisteningtomesofar.”Herollshiseyes,but
Iseetheamusementinthem.
“Fine, Daddy, walk me to the bathroom,” I whine playfully. I have no
intentionoflisteningtohim,butIdecidetohumorhimforthemoment.
Hardinraiseshiseyebrowandsmirks.“Don’tcallmethatagain,orI’llhave
totakeyoubacktobed.”HewinksandIhurryoutoftheroombeforeIamtoo
temptedtostay.
HefollowsbehindmeandsitsonthetoiletwhileIshower.“You’regoingto
have to take my car,” he says, which utterly surprises me. “I’ll get a ride to
campustograbyourssoIcangoovertotheapartment.”
I didn’t think about any of this last night, which further shocks me, since I
usuallyplaneverythingoutsowell.“You’regoingtoletmedriveyourcar?”I
gape.
“Yeah.However,ifyouwreckitdon’tbothercomingback,”hesays.
Partofmeknowsheissomewhatserious.ButIlaughandsay,“Ishouldbe
worriedaboutyouwreckingmine!”
Hetriestoopenthecurtain,butIpullitclosedagainandhearhimchuckle.
“Justthink,babe,aftertodayyouwillbeinyourownshowereverymorning.”
HisvoicecarriesoverthewaterasIrinsetheshampoofrommyhair.
“Idon’tthinkitwillreallyhitmeuntilweareactuallythere.”
“Waituntilyouseeit;youwillloveit,”hesays.
“Doesanyoneknowthatyouaregettinganapartment?”Iask.Ialreadyknow
theanswer.
“No,whywouldtheyneedtoknow?”
“Theydon’t,Iwasjustwondering.”
ThefaucetcreaksasIshutthewateroff.Hardinholdsatowelopenformeas
Istepoutandwrapsitaroundmysoakedbody.
“IknowyouwellenoughtoknowthatyouthinkIamhidingthefactthatwe
aremovingintogetherfrommyfriends,”hesays.
He’snotwrong.“Well,itdoesseemalittleoddthatyou’removingoutofhere
butnooneknows.”
“Thatisn’tbecauseofyou—it’sbecauseIdon’twanttoheartheirshitabout
droppingoutofthefraternity.Iwilltellthemall—evenMolly—afterwemove
in.”Hesmilesandwrapshisarmsaroundmyshoulders.
IwanttobetheonetotellMolly.”Ilaughandhughimback.
“Deal.”
AftermultipleattemptstokeepHardin’shandsoffmeasIgetready,hehands
me the keys to his car and I leave. The moment I get in the car my phone
vibrates.
Becareful.Iloveyou,thetextreads.
Iwill.Youbecarefulinmycar:)Iloveyou.xo
Ican’twaittoseeyouagain.Meetmeatfive.Yourcrapcarwillbefine.
You should watch what you say or I may accidently hit a parkingmedianin yours. I smile to
myselfasIsendmyreply.
StoppesteringmeandgotoworkbeforeIcomedownthereandpeelthatdressoffyou.
Asappealingasthatsounds,Iputmyphonebackontothepassengerseatand
startthecar.Theenginegentlypurrstolife,unliketheloudroarofmine.Fora
classiccaritdrivesmuchsmootherthanmine;hereallytakescareofit.WhenI
turnontothefreewaymyphonerings.
“Jesus,youcan’tgotwentyminuteswithoutme?”Ilaughintothephone.
“Tessa?”amalevoicesays.Noah.
I pull my phone away from my ear and look at my screen to confirm my
horror.
“Um...sorry,Ithought...”Istammer.
“Youthoughtitwashim...Iknow,”hesays.Hisvoiceissadandnotatall
hateful.
“I’msorry.”Idon’tdenyit.
“S’okay,”hesays.
“So...”Iamnotsurewhattosay.
“Isawyourmomyesterday.”
“Oh.” The pain from Noah’s sorrow-filled voice and the reminder of my
mothershatredformecausesmychesttoache.
“Yeah...sheisprettypissedatyou.”
“Iknow...shethreatenedtostophelpingmewithcollege.”
“Shewillgetoverthis,Iknowshewill.She’sjusthurt,”hesays.
“Sheishurt?You’rekiddingme,right?”Iscoff.Hecannotbedefendingher.
“No,no—Iknowsheisgoingaboutitthewrongway,butshe’sjustangrythat
youare...youknowwith...him.”Thedisgustinhisvoiceisevident.
“Well,itisn’therplacetotellmewhotobewith.Isthatwhyyoucalledme?
TotellmethatIshouldn’tbewithhim?”
“No,no—Tessa,it’snot.Ijustwantedtomakesureyouareokay.Thisisthe
longestwe have gonewithout talkingsincewe wereten years old,”he says.I
canpicturethefrownonhisface.
“Oh...I’msorryforsnappingatyou.Ijusthavealotgoingonrightnowand
Ithoughtyouwerecallingto—”
“Just because we aren’t together anymore doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be there
foryou,”hesays,andmyheartaches.Idomisshim;notmyrelationshipwith
him,buthe’sbeensuchahugepartofmylifesinceIwasachild,it’shardtolet
thatgoentirely.Hewasthereformethrougheverything,andIhurthim,without
evencallingtoexplainorapologize.IfeelterribleabouthowIleftthingswith
him,andtearswellupinmyeyes.
“I’msorryforeverything,Noah,”Isaysoftlyandsigh.
“It’llbeokay,”hesaysback,equallysoftly.Butthen,asifneedingtochange
the topic, he says, “So I heard you got an internship,” and our conversation
continuesuntilIarriveatVance.
When we get off the phone he promises to talk to my mother about her
behaviortowardme,andIfeellikeahugeweighthasbeenliftedfromme.Of
anyone,Noahcouldalwaysmanagetogethertocalmdownwhenshewasather
worst.
The rest of my day goes smoothly. I spend the entire day finishing my first
manuscriptandmakingnotesforMr.Vance.HardinandItextonandofftonail
downthedetailsonwheretomeet,andbeforeIknowitthedayisover.
When I arrive at the address Hardin sent me, I’m surprised to find that it’s
abouthalfwaybetweencampusandVancePublishing.Mydrivewouldonlybe
twenty minutes if I lived here, when I live here. It still seems like such an
abstractidea,HardinandIlivingtogether.
I don’t see my car when I pull into the parking lot, and when I try to call
Hardin’sphoneIgethisvoicemail.Whatifhechangedhismind?Hewouldtell
me,wouldn’the?
JustasIstarttopanic,Hardinpullsmycarintothelotandparksnexttome.
Atleast,it lookslikemy car,butit also looksdifferent.Thesilverpaintis no
longerchipped,andoverallitlooksshinyandnew.
“Whatdidyoudotomycar?”Isaywhenheclimbsout.
“It’snicetoseeyou,too.”Hesmilesandkissesmycheek.
“Seriously,whatdidyoudo?”Icrossmyarms.
“Igotapaintjob.Jesus.Youcouldthankme.”Herollshiseyes.
Ibitemytongueonlybecauseofwhereweareandwhatweareabouttodo.
Besides,thepaintjobdoeslookreallygood.Ijustdon’tliketheideaofHardin
spendingmoneyonme,andpaintjobsarenotcheap.
“Thankyou.”Ismileandlacemyfingersthroughhis.
“You’rewelcome.Nowlet’sgoinside.”Heleadsmethroughtheparkinglot.
“Youlookgooddrivingmycar,especiallyinthatdress.Icouldn’tstopthinking
about it all day. I wish you would have obliged my request that you send me
nakedpicturesofyourself,”hesays,andIelbowhim.“Justsaying.Wouldhave
madeclassmuchmoreinteresting.”
“Oh,soyouwenttoclass,”Isay,laughing.
Heshrugsandopensthefrontdoorofthebuildingforme.“Hereweare.”
I smile at his uncharacteristic gesture and walk inside. The lobby of the
building isn’t what I expected at all. It is all white: white floors, clean white
walls, white chairs, white couches, white rugs, white lamps on clear tables. It
lookselegant,butveryintimidating.Ashort,baldingmaninasuitgreetsusand
shakes Hardin’s hand. He seems nervous around us, or maybe just around
Hardin.
“YoumustbeTheresa.”Hesmiles.Histeethareaswhiteasthebrightwalls.
“Tessa,”IsmileandcorrecthimwhileHardinbitesbackasmileofhisown.
“It’snicetomeetyou.Shallwegettosigning?”
“No,shewantstoseeitfirst.Whywouldwesignifshehasn’tevenseenit?”
Hardinsaysinaflattone.
Thepoormangulpsandnods.“Ofcourse,let’sgoup.”Hegesturesdownthe
hallway.
“Benice,”IwhispertoHardinasthethreeofuswalktotheelevator.
“Nope.”Hesmirksatmeandsqueezesmybehindgently.
Iglareathim,buthisdimpledsmileonlygrows.Themantellsmeabouthow
great the view is and that this is one of the best and most diverse apartment
buildingsinthearea.Inodalongpolitely,andHardinstaysquietaswestepoff
theelevator.Iamtakenabackbythecontrastbetweenthelobbyandthehallway.
It feels like we have stepped into a completely different building . . . even a
differenttimeperiod.
“Here it is,” the man says and opens the first door we come to. “There are
onlyfiveapartmentsonthisfloor,soyouwillhavealotofprivacy.”Hegestures
for us to enter, but looks away from Hardin’s gaze. He is definitely afraid of
Hardin.Ican’tsayIblamehim,butitisalittleentertainingtowatch.
IhearmyowngaspasItakeinthesightbeforeme.Themainroom’sfloors
areold,stainedconcrete,exceptforonelargesquareofhardwoodinthespace
that I assume would be the living room. The walls are brick and beautiful.
Damagedbutperfect.Thewindowsarelarge,andthefurnitureisold-fashioned
butclean.IfIcoulddesigntheperfectspace,thiswouldbeit.It’ssomehowa
throwbacktoanotherera,butcompletelymodern.
HardinwatchesmeintentlyasIlookaround,goingintotheotherroomsand
letting Hardin and the man trail behind. The kitchen is small and has
multicolored tiles above the sink and countertop, adding an indie, fun look. I
absolutelyloveeverythingaboutthissmallapartment.Thelobbydownstairshad
scared me, so I was expecting to hate the place. I thought it would be an
overpriced,stuffyapartment,andI’mthrilledthatitisn’t.Thebathroomissmall
butbigenoughforus,andthebedroomisjustasperfectastherestoftheplace.
Three walls are old red brick and the fourth is covered with a floor-to-ceiling
bookshelf.Ithasaladderattached,andIcan’thelpbutlaughbecauseIalways
picturedmyselfhavingthisexactapartmentafterIgraduatedfromcollege.Ijust
didn’tthinkitwouldcomesosoon.
“Wecouldfilltheshelves.Ihavealotofbooks,”Hardinmumblesnervously.
“I...just...”Ibegin.
“You don’t like it, do you. I thought you would; it seemed perfect for you.
Damnit!”Hefrownsandrunshisfingersoverhishair.
“No...I—”
“Let’sgo,then,showusanotherone,”Hardinsnapsattheman.
“Hardin!Ifyouwouldletmefinish,IwasgoingtosaythatIloveit,”Itell
him.
ThemanlooksjustasrelievedasHardin,whosefrownturnsintoamassive
smile.“Really?”
“Yes,Iwasafraiditwasgoingtobesomefancy,coldapartment,butthisis
justperfect,”Itellhimandmeanit.
“Iknewit!Well,Iwasgettingnervousasecondago,butassoonasIchecked
thisplaceoutIthoughtofyou.Ipicturedyouthere...”Hepointstothebench
inthe window.“Just sitting andreading a book.That’swhen Iknew I wanted
youtoliveherewithme.”
I smile and my stomach flutters at his saying that in front of someone else,
evenifit’sarandomleasingagent.
“Sowe’reallreadytosign,then?”Themanshiftsuncomfortably.
HardinlooksatmeandInod.Ican’tbelievewearereallydoingthis.Iignore
thesmallvoiceremindingme that this istoosoon,thatI am tooyoung,andI
followHardinbackintothekitchen.
chaptereighty-seven
Hardinsignshisnameonthebottomofwhatseemslikeanendlesspagebefore
sliding the whole thing over to me. I grab the pen and sign before I can start
overthinking it again. I am ready for this; we are ready for this. Yes, we are
youngandwehaven’tknowneachotherverylong,butIknowthatIlovehim
more than anything and he loves me. As long as that much is certain, the rest
willfallintoplace.
“Allright,hereareyourkeys.”Robert,whosenameIfinallylearnedfromall
thosepages,handsHardinandmeeachasetofkeys,bidsusfarewell,andison
hisway.
“Well...welcomehome?”Hardinsaysoncewe’realone.
Ilaughandstepclosertohimsohecanwraphisarmsaroundme.
“Ican’tbelieveweliveherenow.Itstilldoesn’tseemreal.”Myeyesscanthe
livingroom.
“IfsomeonehadtoldmeIwouldbelivingwithyou—letalonedatingyou—
twomonthsago,Iwouldhaveeitherlaughedintheirfaceorpunchedthem...
eitherone.”Hesmilesandtakesmyfacebetweenhishands.
“Well,aren’tyousweet?”Iteaseandputmyhandsonhissides.“It’sarelief,
though, to have our own space. No more parties, no more roommates and
communityshowers,”Isay.
“Ourownbed,”headdswithawiggleofhiseyes.“Wewillneedtogetafew
things,dishesandsuch.”
Itouchthebackofmyhandtohisforehead.“Areyoufeelingokay?”Ismile.
“You’rebeingawfullycooperativetoday.”
Hebrushesmyhandaside,thengivesthebackofitalittlekiss.“Ijustwantto
makesureyouarepleasedwitheverythinghere.Iwantyoutofeelathome...
withme.”
“Andwhataboutyou?Doyoufeelathomehere?”Iaskhim.
“Surprisinglyenough,yes,”heanswers,nodding,andlooksaroundtheroom.
“We should go get my stuff. I don’t have much but a few books and my
clothes,”Isay.
Hewaveshisarmsintheairasifhehasperformedsomesortofmagictrick.
“Alreadydone.”
“What?”Iask.
“Ibroughtallofyourbelongingsfromyourroom;theyareinyourtrunk,”he
explains.
“HowdidyouknowIwouldsign?WhatifIhatedtheapartment?”Ismile.I
dowishIhadhadthechancetosaygoodbyetoStephandtheroomthatIcalled
homeforthreemonths,butI’llseeheragainsoon.
“Becauseifyouwouldn’thavelikedthisone,Iwouldhavefoundonethatyou
did,”heanswersconfidently.
“Okay...Well,whataboutyourstuff?”
“Wecangetittomorrow.Ihaveclothesinmytrunk.”
“Whatiswiththat,anyway?”Healwayshassomanyclothesinhiscar.
“I don’t know, really. I guess you just never know when you will need
clothes.”Heshrugs. “Let’s goto the storeand get alltheshit weneedfor the
kitchenandsomefood,”Hardinsays.
“Okay.” My stomach has been full of butterflies since I stepped into the
apartment.“CanIdriveyourcaragain?”Iaskwhenwegetdowntothelobby.
“Idon’tknow...”Hesmiles.
“You painted my car without my permission. I think I have earned the
privilege.”Iholdout myhandsandherollshiseyesbeforedroppingthekeys
intothem.
“Soyoulikemycar,then?Itdrivesnicely,doesn’tit?”
Igivehimacoylook.“It’sokay.”
Ilie;Ilovethewayitdrives.
Our building could not be located in a better place; we’re close to multiple
stores,coffeeshops,andevenapark.WeendupgoingtoTarget,andsoonthe
cart is full of dishes, pots and pans, cups, and other things I didn’t know we
would need but seem useful. We save the groceries for another trip since we
already have so much stuff. I volunteer to go grocery shopping after my
internshiptomorrowifHardinmakesmealistofthingshelikestoeat.Thebest
thing so far about living together is all the small details about Hardin that I
wouldhaveotherwiseneverknown.He’ssostingywithinformation,it’sniceto
getsomeofouthimwithoutafight.Eventhoughwespendalmosteverynight
together,byjustbuyingthingsforourplace,I’mfindingoutthingsthatIwould
have never known. Like: he likes cereal with no milk; even the idea of
mismatchingcupsdriveshiminsane;heusestwodifferenttypesoftoothpaste,
oneinthemorningandoneatnight,andhedoesn’tknowwhy,hejustdoes;and
he would rather mop the floor a hundred times before having to load a
dishwasher. We agree that I will always do the dishes as long as he mops the
floor.
Webickerbackandforthinfrontofthecashierwhenitcomestimetopay.I
know he had to put a deposit down for the apartment, so I want to cover our
Targethaul.Butherefusestoletmepayforanythingexceptcableandgroceries.
Atfirst,heofferedtoletmepayfortheelectricity,whichhedeclinedtotellme
wasalreadyincludedintherentuntilIfoundtheproofonthelease.Thelease.I
havealease,withamanthatI’mmovinginwithmyfreshmanyearofcollege.
That’snotcrazy,right?
HardinglaresatthewomanwhenshetakesmydebitcardandIgiveherprops
becausesheswipesmycardwithoutevenacknowledginghisattitude.Iwantto
laugh in victory, but he is already irritated and I don’t want the night to be
ruined.
Hardinsulksuntilwegetbacktotheapartment,andIstayquietbecauseIfind
itamusing.“Wemighthavetomaketwotripsdownheretogetallthestuff,”I
tellhim.
“That’sanotherthing:Iwouldrathercarryonehundredbagsthanmaketwo
trips,”hesaysandfinallysmiles.
Westillenduphavingtotaketwotripsbecausethedishesarejusttooheavy.
Hardin’sirritationgrows,butsodoesmyhumor.
WeputallthedishesawayintothecabinetsandHardinordersapizza.The
politepersoninmecan’thelpbutoffertopayforit,whichearnsmeaglareand
a middle finger. I laugh and put all the trash into the box the dishes came in.
They weren’t joking when they said the apartment came furnished—it has
everythingwecouldneed,atrashcan,evenashowercurtain.
“Thepizzawillbehereinthirtyminutes.Iamgoingtogodownandgetyour
stuff,”hesays.
“I’llcome,too,”Isayandfollowhimout.
Hehasputmythingsintotwoboxesandatrashbag,whichmakesmecringe
but I stay quiet. Grabbing a handful of T-shirts and a pair of jeans out of his
trunk,heshovesthemintothetrashbagwithmyclothes.
“Good thing we have an iron,” I finally say. When I look into his trunk,
somethingcatchesmyeye.“Younevergotridofthosesheets?”Iask.
“Oh...yeah.No,Iwasgoingto,butIforgot,”hesaysandlooksaway.
“Okay...”Ifeelalittleuneasyabouthisreaction.
We haul a load of stuff up the stairs, and right when we reach the top, the
pizza guy rings our bell. Hardin goes back down to meet him, and when he
comesbackupthearomacomingfromtheboxisheavenly.Ididn’trealizehow
hungryI’dgotten.
Weeatatthetable,andit’sstrangebutnicetobeeatingdinnerwithHardinin
ourplace.We’requietaswedevourthedeliciouspizza,butit’sthegoodkindof
silence.Thekindthattellsmewe’rehome.
“Iloveyou,”hesaysasIputourplatesintothedishwasher.
Iturnandrespond,“Iloveyou,”justasmyphonevibratesloudlyonthewood
table.Hardinlooksoverandtapsthescreen.“Whoisit?”Iaskhim.
“Noah?”hesaysasbothadeclarationandaquestionatthesametime.
“Oh.”Iknowthisisn’tgoingtogowell.
“Hesaysitwas‘nicetalkingtoyoutoday’?”Hisjawclenches.
Iwalkbackoverandgrabthephone,practicallywrestlingitoutofhisgrip.I
couldhaveswornhewasgoingtocrushitinhishand.
“Yeah,hecalledmetoday,”Itellhimwithfalseconfidence.Iwasgoing to
mentionittohim.Ijusthaven’tfoundtherighttime.
“And...”Heraiseshiseyebrow.
“HewasjusttellingmethathesawmymotherandhewasjustseeinghowI
amdoing.”
“Why?”
“Idon’tknow...justtocheckonme,Iguess.”Ishrugandsitdowninthe
chairnexttohimatthetable.
“Hedoesn’tneedtobecheckingonyou,”hegrowls.
“It’snotthatbigadeal,Hardin.I’veknownhimhalfmylife.”
Hiseyesgrowcolder.“Idon’tgiveashit.”
“You’rebeingridiculous.Wejustmovedintogetherandyou’reworriedabout
Noahcallingme?”Iscoff.
“Youhavenoreasontobetalkingtohim;heprobablythinksyouwanthim
backsinceyouansweredthecall.”Herunshishandsthroughhishair.
“No, he doesn’t. He knows that I am with you.” I try my best to fight my
temper.
Hegestureswildlyatmyphone.“Thencallhimrightnowandtellhimnotto
callyouagain.”
“What? No! I’m not doing that. Noah hasn’t done anything wrong, I have
already hurt him enough—we both have—so, no. I will not say that to him.
Thereisnoharminmebeingfriendswithhim.”
“Yesthereis,”hesays,hisvoicerising.“Hethinksheisbetterthanme,and
he will try to take you from me! I’m not stupid, Tessa. Your mom wants you
withhimtoo—Iwon’tlethimtrytotakewhatismine!”
I step back and look at him with wide eyes. “Would you listen to yourself?
Yousoundlikealunatic!Iamnotgoingtobehatefultohimjustbecauseyou
feellikeyouhavesomeinsaneclaimonme!”Istormoutofthekitchen.
“Don’twalkawayfromme!”hebooms,followingmeintothelivingroom.
LeaveittoHardintostartafightwithmeaftertheamazingdaywehavehad.
ButI’mholdingmygroundonthis.“Thenstopactinglikeyouownme.Iwill
trytocompromiseandmakeanefforttolistentoyoumorethanIdonow,but
notwhenitcomestoNoah.Iwouldimmediatelystoptalkingtohimifhetried
to make a move or say anything inappropriate, but he didn’t. Besides, you
obviouslyneedtojusttrustme.”
Hardinstaresatme,andIwonderifhisenergyisdissipatingwhenatlasthe
simplysays,“Idon’tlikehim.”
“Okay,Igetthat,butyouhavetobereasonable.Heisnotplottingtotakeme
away from you; he isn’t like that. This is the first time he has even tried to
contactmesinceIendedthingswithhim.”
“Andthelast!”Hardinsnaps.Irollmyeyesandheadintothesmallbathroom.
“Whatareyoudoing?”heasks.
“I’mgoingtotakeashower,andwhenIgetoutIhopeyou’redoneactinglike
achild,”Isay.I’mproudofthewayIamstandinguptohim,butIcan’thelpbut
feelbadforhim.IknowheisjustafraidtolosemetoNoah;hehasthisdeep
jealousybecauseofthewayNoahandI“look”together.OnpaperNoahisbetter
forme,andHardinknowsthat,butIdon’tloveNoah,IloveHardin.
Hardinfollowsmeintothebathroom,butwhenIstarttoundressheturnsand
leaves,slammingthebathroomdooronhiswayout.Itakeaquickshowerand
whenIgetoutHardinislyingacrossthebedinjusthisboxers.IstayquietasI
openthedrawerstofindpajamas.
“You’renotgoingtowearmyshirt?”Hisvoiceislow.
“I . . .” I notice that he folded it and put it on the table next to the bed.
“Thanks.” I pull it over my head. The familiar minty scent almost makes me
forgetthatI’msupposedtobemadathim.ButwhenIlookoverathimandhis
darkmood,Iremember all too well.“Well,thiswasagreat night,” I huffand
takemytowelbacktothebathroom.
“Comehere,”hesayswhenIreturn.
Hesitantly,Iwalkovertohimandhesitsupattheendofthebed,pullingme
tostandbetweenhislegs.
“I’msorry.”Helooksupatme.
“For...?”
“Actinglikeacaveman,”hesays,andIcan’thelpbutlaugh.“Andforruining
ourfirstnightheretogether,”headds.
“Thank you. We have to discuss these things instead of you blowing up at
me.”Itwirlthehairatthenapeofhisneckinbetweenmyfingers.
“Iknow.”Hehalf-smiles.“Canwediscussyounottalkingtohimanymore?”
“Nottonight,”Isaywithasigh.Iwillhavetofindamiddlegroundwithhim,
butIamnotcompletelygivingupmyrighttotalktosomeoneI’veknownhalf
mylife.
“Lookatusworkingourproblemsout.”Hechucklesruefully.
“Ihopeourneighborswon’tmisstheirquietevenings.”
“Oh, they wouldn’t have gotten any quiet anyway.” His smile shows his
dimplestofullfire-ignitingeffect,butIignorehispervertedremark.
“Ireallydidn’tmeantoruinthenight,”hesaysagain.
“Iknow.It’snotruined.It’sonlyeight.”Ismile.
“I wanted to be the one to take that dress off you,” he states, his eyes
darkening.
“Icouldalwaysputitbackon,”Isayinwhatisanattempttobesexy.Without
awordhestandsupandliftsmeoverhisshoulder.Isquealandtrytokickmy
legsathim.“Whatareyoudoing!”Iscream.
“Going to get that dress.” He laughs and carries me over to the laundry
hamper.
chaptereighty-eight
Too bad we didn’t make it to the part about me removing the dress,” Hardin
whispersintomyearashepushesmefartherontothebed.AssoonasIslidhis
T-shirt off over my head, he practically tackled me onto our bed and slid the
condomonfasterthanIthoughtpossible.
“Mmm...”istheonlywordIcanmanagetoformasheslidesinandoutof
me.Thisisthefirsttimewearemakinglovethatthereisnopain,onlypleasure.
“God,baby...youfeelsogood,”hegroansandrockshishipsagainstmine.
Thefeelingisindescribable.Hisleanbodyfitsperfectlybetweenmylegs,and
hishotskinfeelsheavenlyagainstmine.Iconsiderresponding,tourgehimwith
dirtytalkthewaythathedoesme,butI’mlostinhimandthepleasurecoursing
throughmeashecontinueshistenderassault.
Igripontohisback,mynailsrakedownhisskin,andhiseyesrolltotheback
ofhishead.Ilovetoseehimthisway,sooutofcontrol,soprimal.Heliftsmy
thightowraparoundhiswaist,bringingourbodiesevencloser.Watchinghim
pushes me to thelimit; mytoes curl and my leg tightens around hisback as I
moanhisnamerepeatedly.
“That’sit,baby...comeforme.Showmehowgood...fuck...howgoodI
makeyouf-feel,”hestutters,andIfeelhimtwitchinsideme.Thoughhefinishes
afewsecondsbeforeme,hisperfectmovementscontinueuntilIamturnedinto
apoolofbonelessmushandamspent.Mybodyiscompletelyrelaxedandhe
collapsesontopofme.Weliethereinsilencejustenjoyingthefeelingofbeing
soclosetoeachother,andwithinminutessoftsnoresfallfromHardin’slips.
THEDAYSHEREPASSQUICKLY.Havingfreedomforthefirsttimeinyour
lifewilldothat.It’sstillforeigntobeinmyownplacewithmyownshower,to
make my own coffeein my own kitchen. Sharingall of this with Hardin only
makesitthatmuchbetter.Idecideuponmynavyblueeyeletdresswithwhite
heels.Iamgettingbetteratwalkinginthem,butIstillpackmytrustyTomsin
my purse just in case. My hair is curled and pinned back and I even put on a
littleeyeshadowandliner.Iamreallylikingthishavingmyownspace.
Hardinrefusestowakeup,sittinguponlylongenoughtokissmegoodbye.I
wonderhowhemanagestoworkanddoallofhisschoolworkwhenIhaveyetto
seehimdoeither.Inabravemove,IgrabhiscarkeysandtakehiscartoVance.
Ifheisskippingclasses,hesurelywon’tmissit,right?Iforgethowmuchcloser
welivetoVancenow,andImakeamentalnotetoremembertothankHardinfor
hisforesight, eventhough he has to drivefarther tocampus now. ThatI don’t
havetodrivefortyminutesmakesmydaymuchbetter.
WhenIreachthetopfloorKimberlyisstandingattheconferenceroomtable
placingdonutsinneatrows.
“Whoa,Tessa!Lookatyou!” Shewhistlesplayfully.Iflushandshelaughs.
“Navyisdefinitelyyourcolor.”Shelooksmeupanddownagain.Ifeelslightly
self-conscious, but her smile soothes my thoughts. I have been feeling much
moreconfidentandsexylately,thankstoHardin.
“Thankyou, Kimberly.”Ismile backand grab adonut anda cup ofcoffee.
Thephoneringsonherdeskandsherushesovertoanswerit.
WhenIgettomyoffice,IhaveanemailfromMr.Vancepraisingmynoteson
the first manuscript and saying that even though that one was a pass for the
house,helooksforwardtomyevaluationofthenextone.Idiverightinandget
towork.
“Anything good?” Hardin’s voice startles me out of my work. I look up,
slightlyshocked,andhesmiles.“Mustbe,sinceyoudidn’tseem to noticemy
arrival.”
Helooksincredible.Hishairispushedupinthefrontasalways,butthesides
areflatterthanusual,andhehasaplainwhiteV-neckon.Theshirtistighterthan
usual,makinghistattoosevenmorevisibleunderneath.Heissoincrediblyhot
—andallmine.
“So...howwasthedrive?”heaskswithasmirk.
“Reallynice.”Igiggle.
“Soyouthinkyoucanjusttakemycarwithoutmypermission?”Hisvoiceis
lowandIcan’ttellifheisjoking.
“I...well...”Istammer.
Hedoesn’tsayanything,justwalksoverbehindmydeskandpullsmychair
out.Hiseyesmovefrommyshoesuptomyfaceandhepullsmetostandup.
“You look so sexy today,” he says against my neck before gently pressing his
lipsagainstmyskin.
Ishiver.“Why...whyareyouhere?”
“Youaren’thappytoseeme?”Hesmilesandliftsmeontothedesk.
Oh.“Yeah...ofcourseIam,”Itellhim.Iamalwayshappytoseehim.
“Imayhavetoconsidercomingbackhereafterall,justsoIcandothisevery
day,”hesaysandputshishandsonmythighs.
“Someonecouldcomeinhere.”Itrytobestern,butmytoneisshaky.
“Nope—VanceisatameetingfortherestoftheafternoonandKimberlyhas
agreedtocallifsheneedsyou.”
TheideaofHardinhintingtoKimberlywhatwecouldbedoinginheremakes
mycheeksheat,butmyhormonestakeover.Iglanceatthedoor.
“Locked,”heanswerscockily.
Withoutthinking,IpullHardincloserandimmediatelyputmyhandoverhis
crotch, palming him through his jeans. He groans and unbuttons his jeans,
yankingthemdownalongwithhisboxers.
“This is going to be faster than usual, okay, baby?” he says and slides my
pantiesover.
Inodwithanticipationandlickmylips.Hechucklesandpullsmebymyhips
totheedgeofthedesk.MylipsattackhisneckandIhearthefoilpacketbeing
rippedopen.
“Lookatyou—threemonthsagoyouwouldblushatthementionofsex,and
nowhereyouarelettingmefuckyouonyourdesk,”hewhispersandslamsinto
me.
Hardinclampshishandovermymouthandtakeshisbottomlipbetweenhis
teeth.Ican’tbelieveIamactuallylettingHardinhavesexwithmeonadesk,at
the place of my internship, with Kimberly less than a hundred feet away. As
muchasIhatetoadmitit,theideaactuallydrivesmecrazy.Inthebestway.
“Areyougoing...tobe...quiet...”hesaysinshortspurtsandmoveseven
faster.Inodandpant,grabbingontohisbicepssoIdon’tfalloffthedeskfrom
hisassault.
“Youlikeitthisway,don’tyou?Fastandhard?”Hegritshisteeth.Igently
bitedownonhispalmtokeepquiet.
“AnswermeorI’llstop,”hethreatens.
Ilowermyeyesathimandnod,toooverwhelmedwithsensationtoactually
speak.
“Iknewyouwould,”hesays,andflipsmeoversomystomachisonthedesk.
OhGod.Hethrustsbackintomeandmovesslowlybeforewrappingmyhair
aroundhisfistandpullingmeupsohecankissmyneck.Thetensiongrowsin
mystomachandhismovementsgrowsloppier—andIknowwearebothclose.
Withhisfinalthrusthekissesmyshoulderbeforepullingoutofmeandhelping
meoffthedesk.
“Thatwas—”Itrytosayandhesilencesmebykissingmylips.
“Yeah...itwas.”Hefinishesmythoughtsbeforepullinghispantsbackup.I
run my fingers through my hair and wipe under my eyes to make sure my
makeup is in place before looking at the clock. It’s almost three. The day has
escapedmeonceagain.
“Youready?”heasks.
“What?It’sonlythree.”Ipointtotheclock.
“Christiansaidyoucanleaveearly.Ispoketohimanhourago.”
“Hardin! You can’t just ask him if I can leave early; this internship is
importanttome.”
“Babe,relax.Hementionedthathewouldbeoutalldayandhewastheone
whobroughtupyouleavingearly.”
“Idon’twantanyonetothinkIamtakingadvantageofthisopportunity.”
“Noonethinksthat.YourGPAandyourworkspeakforthemselves.”
“Wait . . . so then why didn’t you just call me and tell me I could come
home?”Iraiseabrowathim.
“Ihavewantedtobendyouoverthatdesksinceyourfirstdayhere.”Hegives
measmugsmileandgrabsmyjacketforme.
Iwanttotellhimhowcrazyheistocomeherejusttohavesexwithmeonthe
desk,butIcan’tdenythatIlovedit.LookingathiminthatT-shirtwiththose
inkedmuscles,Icouldneverdenyhimanything.
ASWEWALKtoourcars,hesquintsatthesunandsays,“Iwasthinkingwe
shouldgogetwhateverwearegoingtoweartothatdreadfulwedding.”
“Goodidea,”Iagree.“ButI’mdrivingyourcarbackhomeandwecanleave
mycar, thengo.” I jumpintohis carbeforehe canprotest.He justshakeshis
headandsmiles.
Afterdroppingmycaroff,wegotothemall.Hardinwhinesandcomplains
likeachildtheentiretimeandIliterallyhavetocoercehimwithsexualbribesto
gethimtobuyatie.Heendsupgettingblackdresspants,ablackjacket,awhite
dress shirt, and a black tie. Simple, but perfect for him. He refuses to try
everythingon,soIhopeitallactuallyfitshim.Hewouldtakeanyexcusenotto
go to the wedding, but I am not going to let that happen. Once we get him
settled,it’smyturn.
“Thewhiteone,”hesaysandgesturestotheshortwhitedressinmyhand,the
other option being a longer black one. Since Karen mentioned that the color
scheme was black and white, I figured I would stick to it. Hardin seemed to
reallylikethewhitedressIworeyesterday,soIdecidetolistentohim.Muchto
my annoyance, before I realize what he’s doing, Hardin goes from “just
carrying”mydressandshoestopayingforthem.WhenIprotest,theyounggirl
attheregistersmilesandshrugsasiftosay,“Whatdoyouexpectmetodo?”
“Ihavetodosomeworktonight,soIwon’tbehomefordinner,”hetellsme
aswewalkoutofthemall.
“Oh.Ithoughtyouworkedfromhome.”
“Ido,butIneedtogotothelibraryforalittlebit,”heexplains.“Iwon’tbe
gonetoolate.”
“I’lljustgogroceryshoppingwhileyouaregone,”Itellhimandhenods.
“Becarefulandgobeforeitgetsdark,”hesays.
Hemakesmealistofthingshelikesandleavesassoonaswegetbacktothe
apartment. I change into jeans and a sweatshirt and walk to the grocery store
downthestreet.WhenIgetbackhome,Iputeverythingaway,catchuponsome
homework, and make myself something to eat. I text Hardin but don’t hear
anythingback,soIputaplateoffoodinthemicrowaveforhimtoheatupwhen
hegetshomeandlieonthecouchtowatchtelevision.
chaptereighty-nine
WhenIwakeup,ittakesmeafewmomentstorealizeIamstillonthecouch.
“Hardin?” I call out, untangling myself from the blanket. I walk to the
bedroominthehopeshewillbeinthere.Buttheroomisempty.Wherethehell
ishe?
Igobacktothelivingroomandsnatchmyphoneoffthebackofthecouch.
Still no messages from him—and it’s seven in the morning. I call, but get his
voicemail and hang up. I storm around the kitchen and turn on the coffeepot
beforeheadingtothebathroomtotakeashower.I’mluckyIwokeupontime,
becauseIdidn’tactuallysetmyalarm.Ineverforgettosetanalarm.
“Whereareyou?”Isayaloudandstepintotheshower.
As I blow-dry my hair, I go over the possible explanations for his absence.
Lastnight I thought he justgot caughtup with his work, sincehe hasa lotto
makeupforormaybeheranintosomeoneheknewandthetimeslippedaway
fromhim.Butatthelibrary?Thosethingsclosefairlyearly,andevenbarsclose
eventually. The most likely explanation is that he went to a party. I somehow
knowthisiswhathappened.Asmallpartofmestillworriesthatmaybehewas
inanaccident;thethoughtalonehurtstoobadtoevenentertain.Butnomatter
whatexcuseorstoryIconjureupinmymind,Iknowheisdoingsomethinghe
isn’tsupposedto.Everythingwasgoodbetweenuslastnightandthenhegoes
andstaysoutallnight?
Innomoodtowearadress,Iputononeofmyoldblackpencilskirtsanda
softpinkbutton-upshirt.Cloudscovertheskymyentiredrive,andbythetimeI
gettoVancemymoodhasdarkenedtomatchthemandI’minfuriated.Whothe
helldoeshethinkheistostayoutallnightwithouteventellingme?
Kimberly raises a brow at me when I walk past the donut table without
grabbing one, but I give her my best fake smile and walk to my office. My
morning passes in a daze. I read and reread the same pages over and over
withoutcomprehendinganyofthewords.
There is a knock on my door, and my heart stops. I desperately hope it’s
Hardin,regardlessofhowpissedIamathim.Insteadit’sKimberly.
“Doyouwanttogogetlunchwithme?”sheaskssweetly.
I almost decline her offer, but sitting here obsessing over my boyfriend’s
whereaboutsisnothelpingmeonebit.
Ismile.“Sure.”
Wewalkaroundthecornertoasmallcantina-styleMexicanrestaurant.Bythe
time we get inside we’re both shivering, and she asks to be seated close to a
heater.Thesmalltablewearegivenisdirectlyunderneathaheater,andweboth
raiseourhandsintheairtowarmup.
“Thisweatherisunforgiving,”shesaysandprattlesonaboutbeingcoldand
alreadymissingsummer.
“Ialmostforgothowcoldthewinteris,”Itellherplainly.Theseasonshave
blendedtogether,andIbarelynoticedfallslippingaway.
“So...howarethingswithMr.BadAss?”sheaskswithalaugh.
The server brings us chips and salsa, and my stomach growls. I am not
skippingmymorningdonutanymore.
“Well...”Idebatewhethertosharemypersonallifewithher.Idon’thave
many friends. None, really, excluding Steph, whom I never see anymore.
Kimberly is at least ten years older than me and maybe she has some good
insightintothemindsofmen,somethingIcertainlylackin.Istareattheceiling
coveredinstringsofbeer-bottle-shapedlightsandtakeadeepbreath.
“Well,Iamactuallynotsurehowthingsareatthemoment.Yesterdaythings
werefinebutthenhestayedoutlastnight.Allnight.Itwasoursecondnightin
theapartmentandhejustnevercamehome,”Iexplain.
“Wait...wait...backup.Okay,soyoutwolivetogether?”Shegapes.
“Yeah...asofTuesday.”Itrytosmile.
“Okay,sothenhejustdidn’tcomehomelastnight?”
“Nope. He said he had to do some work and go by the library, but then he
didn’tcomehome.”
“Andyoudon’tthinkhe’shurtoranything,right?”
“No,Ireallydon’t.”IfeelasifIwouldsomehowknowifhewasn’tokay,like
wearetiedtogetherinsomewaythatwouldimmediatelyletmeknowifhewas
hurt.
“Hehasn’tcalled?”
“Nope.Ortexted.”Ifrown.
“IwouldhavehisballsifIwereyou.Thisisunacceptable,”sheproclaims.
Theserver stopsby tosay,“Your food will be out shortly,”and fillsup my
water. I’m a little thankful for the small interruption, to give me a chance to
catchmybreathafterKimberly’sharshwords.
Andthenshegoeson,andwhenIrealizeshe’snotjudgingmebutstickingup
forme,Ifeelbetter.“Imeanit—youhavetomakeitclearthathecan’tbehave
thisway;otherwisehewillkeepdoingit.Theproblemwithmenisthattheyare
creaturesofhabit,andifyouletthisbehishabit,you’llneverbeabletobreakit.
Heneedstoknowfromthestartthatyouwon’tputupwiththisshit.Heislucky
tohaveyouandheneedstogethisshittogether.”
Somethingaboutherpeptalkgivesmemoreconfidenceinmyanger.Ishould
bepissed.Ishould“havehisballs,”asKimberlysosubtlyputit.
“HowdoIdothat?”Iaskandshelaughs.
“Lethimhaveit.Unlesshehasadamnedgoodexcuse,whichIamsureheis
plottingright now, you let him have it the second he walks through that door.
You deserve to be respected, and if he isn’t respecting you, then you need to
eithermakehimorkickhimtothecurb.”
“Youmakeitsoundsoeasy.”Ilaugh.
“Oh, it’s far from easy.” She laughs, then grows serious. “But it has to be
done.”
Therestofourlunchisfilledwithstoriesofhercollegelifeandhowshehas
hadherfairshareofterriblerelationships.Herblondbobswaysbackandforth
assheshakesherheadduringalmosteverystory.Ifindmyselflaughingsohard
Ihavetodabthecornersofmyeyes.ThefoodisdeliciousandIamgladIcame
outtolunchwithherinsteadofsulkingaloneinmyoffice.
Onthewaybacktomyoffice,Trevorspotsmefromneartherestroomsand
comesover,smiling.“Hello,Tessa.”
“Hey,howareyou?”Iaskpolitely.
“I’mokay.It’sawfullycoldoutthere,”hesaysandInod.“Youlooklovely
today,” he adds and looks away. I get the feeling he didn’t mean to say that
aloud. I smile and thank him before he heads into the bathroom, obviously
embarrassed.
By the time I leave, I have gotten literally no work done so I take the
manuscript home with me in hopes of making up for my lack of motivation
today.
When I arrive back at the apartment, Hardin’s car still isn’t in the lot. My
anger returns, and I call him and cuss him out on his voicemail, which
surprisinglymakesmefeelalittlebetter.Imakemyselfaquickdinnerandget
mythingsreadyfortomorrow.
Ican’tbelieveit’sonlytwodaysuntilthewedding.Whatifhedoesn’tcome
backbeforethen?Hewill.Won’the?Ilookaroundtheapartment.Ascharming
asitis,itseemstohavelostsomeofitsglowinHardin’sabsence.
SomehowImanagetogetagoodamountofworkdoneandamjustputting
everythingawaywhenthedooropens.Hardinstumblesthroughthelivingroom
andintothebedroomwithoutsayingaword.Ihearhimtosshisbootsontothe
floorandcurseathimself,mostlikelyforfallingover.IgooverwhatKimberly
saidatlunchtodayandgatherallmythoughts,pushingmyangertoitshead.
“Wherethehellwereyou?”IyellasIentertheroom.Hardinhashisshirtoff
andisremovinghispants.
“Goodtoseeyou,too,”heslurs.
“Areyoudrunk?”Igape.
“Maybe,”heanswers,andtosseshispantsontothefloor.
I huff and pick them up, throwing them at him. “We have a hamper for a
reason.”Iglareandhelaughs.
Heislaughing.Laughingatme.
“You have some nerve, Hardin! You stay out all night and most of the day
todaywithoutevencallingme,andthenyoustumbleinheredrunkandmakefun
ofme?”Iscream.
“Stopyelling.Ihaveakillerheadache,”hegroansandliesonthebed.
“Doyouthinkthisisfunny?Isthissomesortofgametoyou?Ifyouaren’t
going to take our relationship seriously, then why did you ask me to move in
withyou?”
“I don’t want to talk about this right now. You’re overreacting; now, come
overhereandletmemakeyouhappy.”Hiseyesarebloodshotfromtheamount
ofalcoholheconsumed.Heholdshisarmsoutformewithastupiddrunkengrin
onhisperfectface.
“No,Hardin,”Isaysternly.“I’mserious.Youcan’tjuststayoutallnightand
notevenoffermeanexplanation.”
“Jesus. Would you chill the fuck out? You’re not my mother. Stop fighting
withmeandcomehere,”herepeats.
“Getout,”Isnap.
“Excuseme?”Hesitsup.NowIhavehisattention.
“You heard me, get out. I will not be that girl who sits at home all night
waitingonherboyfriendtocomehome.Iexpectedyoutoatleastcomeupwith
agoodexcuse—butyouhaven’teventried!I’mnotgoingtogiveinthistime,
Hardin. I always forgive you way too easily. Not this time. So either explain
yourselforgetthehellout.”Icrossmyarms,proudofmyselffornotgivingin
tohim.
“Incaseyouforgot,Iamtheonepayingthebillshere,soifanyoneisgoingto
leave,itwillbeyou,”hesayswithablankstare.
Iglancedownathishandsonhisknees;hisknucklesareyetagainbustedand
coveredindriedblood.
MymindisstilltryingtocomeupwitharesponsewhenIask,“Didyougetin
afightagain?”
“Doesitmatter?”
“Yes,Hardin!Itdoesmatter.Isthatwhatyouweredoingallnight?Fighting
people?Youdidn’tevenhavetowork,didyou?Oristhatyourjob,beatingup
people?”
“What?No,that’snotmyjob.Youknowwhatmyjobis.Ididwork,thenI
gotdistracted,”hesaysandswipeshishandoverhisface.
“By?”
“Nothing.Jesus,”hegroans.“Youarealwaysonmycase.”
“I’malwaysonyourcase?Whatdidyouexpecttohappenwhenyoustumbled
inhereafterbeinggoneallnightandday!Ineedanswers,Hardin—Iamsickof
younotgivingmethem.”Heignoresmeandpullsashirtoverhishead.“Iwas
worriedallday;youcouldhaveatleastcalledme.Iwasamesstodaywhileyou
were out drinking and doing God knows what. You are messing with my
internship,andthatisnotokay.”
“Yourinternship?Youmeantheonethatmyfathergotyou?”hesayswithhis
foulmouth.
“You’reunbelievable.”
“Justsaying.”Heshrugs.
How is this the same person who just two nights go was whispering how
muchhelovesmeintomyearwhilehethoughtIwasasleep?
“I’mnotevengoingtorespondtothat,becauseIknowthat’swhatyouwant.
YouwantafightandIwon’tgiveyouone.”IgraboneofmyT-shirtsandstalk
outoftheroom.BeforeIexit,Iturnbacktohim.“Butletmemakethisclear:if
youdon’tgetyourshittogether—likenow—I’mgone.”
Iheadtothe couch andliedown,grateful for anotherspacetobewhere he
isn’t.IallowafewtearstofallbeforewipingmyfaceandpickingupHardin’s
oldcopyofWutheringHeights.NomatterhowbadI wanttogobackinthere
andmakehimexplaineverythingtome—wherehewas,whohewaswith,why
hegotintoafight,andwithwhom—Iforcemyselftostayonthecouchbecause
thatwillbotherhimmuchmore.
Thoughprobablynothalfasmuchasthelevelofcontrolhehasoverpartsof
mylifeisbotheringme.
chapterninety
Iputdownmybookandcheckthetimeonmyphone.It’salittleaftermidnight,
soIshouldtrytoforcemyselftogotosleep.Healreadytriedtogetmetocome
tobedearlier,sayinghecouldn’tsleepwithoutme,butIstucktomygunsand
ignoredhimuntilheleft.
I’mjustabouttodriftintosleepwhenIhearHardinscream,“No!!”Ijumpoff
thecouchwithoutthinkingandrushtoourbedroom.Heisthrashinginthethick
blanketandcoveredinsweat.
“Hardin,wakeup,”Isaygentlyandshakehisshoulder,movingasoakedcurl
fromhisforeheadwithmyotherhand.
Hiseyessnapopen—theyarefullofterror.
“It’sokay...shh...itwasjustanightmare.”Idomybesttosoothehim.My
fingersplayinhishairandthenbrushoverhischeek.HeisshakingasIclimb
intobedbehindhimand wrap myarmsaroundhis waist. I feelhimrelaxasI
pressmyfaceagainsthisclammyskin.
“Please. Stay with me,” he begs. I sigh and stay quiet, tightening my grip
aroundhim.“Thankyou,”hewhispers,andwithinminutesheisasleepagain.
THEWATERDOESN’TSEEMtogethotenoughtorelaxmytensemusclesno
matterhowhighIturnitup.Iamexhaustedfromthelackofsleeplastnightand
thefrustrationthatcomesfromdealingwithHardin.HewasasleepwhenIgot
intotheshower,andIprayhestaysthatwayuntilIleaveformyinternship.
Unfortunately,myprayersgounanswered,andhe isstandingbythekitchen
counterwhenIgetoutofthebathroom.
“Youlookbeautifultoday,”hesayscalmly.
IrollmyeyesandwalkpasthimtograbacupofcoffeebeforeIhavetoleave.
“Soyouaren’tspeakingtome,then?”
“Notrightnow,no.IhavetogotoworkandIdon’thavetheenergytodothis
withyou,”Isnap.
“Butyou...youcametobedwithme,”hepouts.
“Yeah,onlybecauseyouwerescreamingandshaking.Thatdoesn’tmeanyou
areforgiven.Ineedanexplanationforeverything,allthesecrets,allthefights—
eventhenightmares—orI’mdone,”Isurprisehimandmyselfbysaying.
Hegroansandrunshishandsthroughhishair.“Tessa...it’snotthatsimple.”
“Yeah,itis,actually.Itrustedyouenoughtogiveupmyrelationshipwithmy
motherand move in with you so soon; you should trust me enough to tell me
whatisgoingon.”
“Youwon’tunderstand.Iknowyouwon’t,”hesays.
“Tryme.”
“I...Ican’t,”hestutters.
“ThenIcan’tbewithyou.I’msorry,butIhavegivenyoualotofchancesand
youkeep—”Ibegin.
“Don’tsaythat.Don’tyoudaretryandleaveme.”Histoneisangry,buthis
eyesarehurt.
“Thengivemesomeanswers.WhatisitthatyouthinkIwouldn’tunderstand?
Aboutyournightmares?”Iask.
“Tellmeyouaren’tgoingtoleaveme,”hepleads.
Standing my ground with Hardin is proving to be much harder than I
imagined,especiallywhenhelookssobroken.
“Ihavetogo.Iamalreadyrunninglate,”Itellhimandgotothebedroomto
getdressedasquicklyasIcan.Partofmeishappythathedoesn’tfollowme,
butpartofmewisheshewould.
Heisstillstandinginthekitchen,shirtless,andgrippinghiscoffeemugwith
whiteandbustedknuckleswhenIleave.
I mull over everything Hardin said this morning. What could I possibly not
understand? I would never judge him for something that causes him to have
nightmares. I hope that is what he was talking about, but I can’t ignore the
feelingthatIammissingsomethingveryobvioushere.
Ifeelguiltyandtensealmostallday,butKimberlyemailsmethelinkstoone
toomanyfunnyYouTubevideos formysourmoodtolast.Bylunch,Ialmost
forgettheproblemathome.
I’msorryforeverything,pleasecomehomeafterwork,HardintextswhileKimberlyandI
eatfromamuffinbasketsomeonesentMr.Vance.
“Isthathim?”sheasks.
“Yeah...”Itellher.“Istooduptohim,butIfeelterrible,forsomereason.I
knowIamright,butyoushouldhaveseenhimthismorning.”
“Good. Hopefully he learns his lesson. Did he tell you where he was?” she
asks.
“Nope.That’stheproblem.”Igroanandeatanothermuffin.
Pleaseanswerme,Tessa.Iloveyou,hesendsminuteslater.
“Justanswerthepoorguy.”KimberlysmilesandInod.
Iwillbehome,Irespond.
Why is it so hard for me to hold my ground with him? Mr. Vance lets
everyonego alittle after three,so Idecide to stop by asalon andget myhair
trimmed and a manicure for the wedding tomorrow. I hope Hardin and I can
workthisoutbeforethewedding,becausethelastthingIwanttodoistakean
alreadyangryHardintohisfatherswedding.
BythetimeIgethomeit’salmostsixo’clockandIhavemultipletextsfrom
Hardin, which I have ignored. When I get to our door I take a deep breath to
mentallyprepareforwhatistocome.Eitherwewillendupscreamingateach
other,whichwillleadtooneofusleaving,orwewillactuallytalkthroughitand
work it out. Hardin is pacing back and forth across the cement floor when I
enter.Hiseyesshootuptomyfigureinthedoorway,andhelooksrelieved.
“Ithoughtyouweren’tcoming,”hesaysandstepstowardme.
“Where else would I go?” I say in response and walk past him into the
bedroom.
“I...well,Imadedinnerforyou,”hesays.
Heistotallyunrecognizablerightnow. Hishairisdownacrosshisforehead
insteadofpushedupandbacklikeitnormallyis.Heiswearingagrayhooded
sweatshirt and black sweats and he seems nervous, worried, and almost . . .
afraid?
“Oh . . . why?” I can’t help but ask. I change into sweats of my own, and
Hardin’sfacefallsfartherwhenIdon’tputontheshirtofhisthathehasclearly
laidonthedresserforme.
“BecauseIamanasshole,”heanswers.
“Yeah . . . you are,” I say and walk back into the kitchen. The meal looks
muchmoreappetizingthanIthoughtitwould,eventhoughI’mnotsurewhatit
is;somesortofchickenpasta,Ithink.
“It’schickenFlorentine.”Heanswersmythoughts.
“Hmm.”
“Youdon’thaveto...”Hisvoiceissmall.Thisissuchadifferentscenethan
usual,andforthefirsttimesinceImethimIfeellikeIhavetheupperhand.
“No,itlooksgood.I’mjustsurprised,”Itellhimandtakeabite.Ittasteseven
betterthanitlooks.
“Yourhairlooksnice,”hesays.MythoughtstravelbacktothelasttimeIhad
ahaircutandHardinwastheonlyonetonotice.
“Ineedanswers,”Iremindhim.
Heletsoutahardbreath.“Iknow,andIamgoingtogivethemtoyou.”
Itakeanotherbitetohidemysatisfactionwithmyselfforholdingmyground
withhim.
“First,Iwantyoutoknowthatnoone—Imeannoone,exceptmymotherand
father—knowsthis,”hesaysandpicksatthescabsonhisknuckles.
Inodandtakeanotherbite.
“Okay...well,heregoes,”hesaysnervouslybeforecontinuing.“Onenight,
whenIwasaroundseven,myfatherwasoutatthebaracrossthestreetfromour
home.Hewenttherealmosteverynightandeveryoneknewhimthere,whichis
whyitwasaterribleideaforhimtopissanyoneoffthere.Thisnight,hedidjust
that.Hestartedafightwithsomesoldierswhowerejustasplasteredashimand
heendedupsmashingabeerbottleoveroneoftheirheads.”
Ihavenoideawherethisisgoing,butIknowitwon’tbepleasant.
“Keepeating,please...”hebegsandInodandtrynottostareathimashe
continues.
“Heleftthebar,andtheycameacrosstheroadtoourhouse,topayhimback
forsmashingtheguy’sface,Iguess.Theproblemwasthathedidn’tcomehome
—theyjustthoughthedid,andmymumwasasleeponthecouch,waitingupfor
mydad.”Hisgreeneyesmeetmine.“Sortofhowyouwerelastnight.”
“Hardin...”Iwhisperandgrabhishandacrossthetable.
“Sowhentheyfoundmymumfirst...”Hetrailsoffandstaresatthewallfor
what feels like forever. “When I heard her screaming, I came downstairs and
tried to get them off her. Her nightgown was ripped open and she just kept
screamingfor me to go .. .she wastrying tokeep me fromseeing whatthey
weredoingtoher,butIcouldn’tjustleave,youknow?”
Whenheblinksbackatear,myheartbreaksfortheseven-year-oldboywho
hadtowatchthosehorrendousthingshappentohismother.Iclimbontohislap
onthechairandputmyfaceagainsthisneck.
“Longstoryshort,Itriedtofightthemoff,butitdidn’tdoanygood.Bythe
timemyfatherstumbledthroughthedoor,IhadputanentireboxofBand-Aids
alloverherbodytotryto...Idon’tknow...fixherorsomething.Howstupid
isthat?”heasksintomyhair.
Ilookupathimandhefrowns.“Don’tcry...”hewhispers,butIcan’thelp
it.Ineverimaginedhisnightmareswerefromsomethingsoterrible.
“I’msorryImadeyoutellme,”Isob.
“No...baby,it’sokay.Itactuallyfeltgoodtotellsomeone,”heassuresme.
“Asgoodasitcanfeel.”
Hepetsmyhairandwindspartofitaroundhisfinger,lostinthought.“After
that,Iwouldonlysleepdownstairsonthecouch,soifsomeonecamein...they
wouldgettomefirst.Thenthenightmarescame...andtheyjustkindofstuck.
Iwenttoafewtherapistsoncemyfatherleft,butnothingseemedtohelp,until
you.”Hegivesmeaweaksmile.“I’msorryIwasoutallnight.Idon’twantto
bethatguy.Idon’twanttobehim,”hesaysandhugsmetighter.
Now that I have a few more pieces of the puzzle that is Hardin, I can
understandhimmore.Andjustassuddenlyasmymoodhasshiftedabouthim,
myopinionofKenhaschangedjustasdrastically.Iknowpeoplechange,andhe
obviouslyhasimprovedhimselffromthekindofmanheusedtobe,butIcan’t
helptheangerbubblinginsideme.Hardinisthewayheisbecauseofhisfather,
because of the drinking, the negligence, and the terrible night that his father
provoked an attack against his wife and son, and then wasn’t there to protect
them. I didn’t get all the answers I wanted, but I got much more than I ever
expected.
“I won’t do it again . . . I swear . . . Just please tell me you won’t leave
me...”hemutters.
Every ounce of anger and entitlement I felt has evaporated. “I won’t leave
you,Hardin.Iwon’tleaveyou.”Andbecause he looks at me like he needs to
hearit,Isayitafewmoretimes.
“Iloveyou,Tessa,morethananything,”hesaysandwipesmytears.
chapterninety-one
Wehaven’tmovedfromourspotinthechairforatleastthirtyminutes,when
finallyHardinliftshisheadfrommychestandsays,“CanIeatnow?”
“Yes.”Igivehimaweaksmileandstarttoclimboffhislap,buthepullsme
back.
“Ididn’tsayforyoutomove.Justslidemyplateover.”Hesmiles.
I slide his plate over and reach for mine across the small table. I am still
reelingfromthisnewinformationandnowIfeelalittleuneasyaboutgoingto
theweddinginthemorning.
SensingHardindoesn’twanttodiscusshisconfessionfurther,Itakeabiteoff
myplateandsay,“YouareamuchbettercookthanIexpected.Havingshown
yourhand,Iexpectyou’llcookformemoreoften.”
“Wewillsee,”hesayswithhismouthfullandweeattherestofthemealina
comfortablesilence.
Later, when I’m loading the dishwasher, he walks up behind me and asks,
“Areyoustillmad?”
“Notexactly,”Itellhim.“Iamstillnothappyaboutyoubeingoutallnight,
andIdowanttoknowwhoyoufought,andwhy.”Heopenshismouthtospeak,
butIstophim.“Butnottonight.”Idon’tthinkeitherofuscanhandleanymore
tonight.
“Okay,”hesayssoftly.WorryflashesinhiseyesbutIchoosetoletitgo.
“Oh, and I didn’tappreciate you throwing my internship in my face, either.
Thatreallyhurtmyfeelings.”
“Iknow.That’swhyIsaidit,”heanswers,alittletoohonestly.
“Iknow.That’sexactlywhyIdon’tlikeit.”
“I’msorry.”
“Don’tdoitagain,okay?”Itellhimandhenods.“I’mexhausted,”Igroanin
asmallattempttochangethesubject.
“Me,too;let’sliedownfortherestoftheevening.Igotthecableturnedon.”
“Iwassupposedtobedoingthat.”Iscowlathim.
Herollshis eyes andsits next tomeon thebed.“You can justgive me the
moneyforit...”
I stare at the wall. “What time are we leaving here tomorrow for the
wedding?”
“Wheneverwefeellikeit.”
“Itstartsatthree,soIthinkweshouldbetherebytwo,”Isay.
“Anhourearly?”he whines andInod. “I don’tknowwhy you insist—”he
saysbutiscutoffbymyphoneringing.
ThelookonHardin’sfaceasheleansoverandgrabsittellsmeimmediately
whoitis.“Whyishecalling?”hehuffs.
“Idon’tknow,Hardin,butIthinkIshouldanswer.”Igrabthephonefromhis
hand.
“Noah?”MyvoiceissoftandshakyasHardin’sglowerburnsaholethrough
theapartment.
“Hey, Tessa, I’m sorry to call you on a Friday night but . . . well . . .” He
soundspanicked.
“What?” I push, since he always takes longer than necessary to explain
stressfulsituations.
WhenIlookovertoHardinhemouths,“Speaker.”
I give him an are-you-kidding look, but end up putting Noah on speaker
anywaysoHardincaneavesdrop.
“Your mom got a call from the dorm supervisor about your final bill being
paidfortheroom,sosheknowsyoumovedout.ItoldherIhavenoideawhere
you live now, which is the truth, but she refused to believe me. And so she’s
comingthere.”
“Cominghere?Tocampus?”
“Yeah,Iguess.Idon’tknow,butshesaidshe’sgoingtofindyou,andshe’s
being irrational and is really pissed-off. I just wanted to warn you, you know,
thatshe’scoming.”
“I can’t believe her!” I shout into the phone, but then thank Noah before
hangingup.
Iliebackonthebed.“Great...Whatanexcellentwaytospendtonight.”
Hardinleansononeelbownexttome.“Shewon’tbeabletofindyou.Noone
knowswherewelive,”heassuresmeandsmoothsmybangsoffmyforehead.
“She may not find me, but she sure will pester Steph and ask every single
personsheseesinthedormandmakeahugescene.”Icovermyfacewithmy
hands.“Ishouldjustgooverthere.”
“Or you could call her and give her our address and let her come here. On
yourterritory,soyouhavetheupperhand,”hesuggests.
“You’reokaywiththat?”Myhandsmovefrommyface.
“Ofcourse.She’syourmother,Tessa.”
Ilookathimquizzically,giventheriftbetweenhimandhisdad.ButwhenI
see he’s serious, I’m reminded that he’s willing to work on things with his
parents,soIshouldbethatbrave,too.“I’llcallher,”Isay.
I look at the phone for a while before taking a deep breath and hitting her
number.She’sterseonthephone,speakingveryquickly.Icantellshe’ssaving
allherhatefulenergyforwhensheseesmeinperson.Idon’tgiveheranydetails
abouttheapartmentortellherthatIlivehere;IonlytellhertheaddresswhereI
amandgetoffthephoneasfastasIcan.
Instinctively,Ijumpoutofbedandbegintostraightenupourplace.
“The apartment is already clean. Wehave barely touched anything,” Hardin
says.
“Iknow,”Isay.“Butitmakesmefeelbetter.”
AfterIfoldandputawaythefewitemsofclothingthatwereonthefloor,I
lightacandleinthelivingroomandwaitatthetablewithHardinformymother
toshow.Ishouldn’tbeasnervousasIam—I’manadultandImakemyown
choices—but I know her and how badly she’s going to lose it. I am already
overlyemotionalfromthebriefglimpseintoHardin’spastIwasgrantedanhour
ago,andIdon’tknowifIhaveitinmetogotobattlewithhertonight.Ilook
overattheclockandseeit’salreadyeight.Hopefullyshewon’tstaylong,and
HardinandIcangettobedearlyandjustholdeachotherwhileweeachtryto
dealwithourfamilylegacies.
“Do you want me to stay out here with you or give you two some time to
discusseverything?”Hardinasksafterabit.
“Ithinkweshould have alittletimeone-on-one,”I say.Asmuchas I want
himbymyside,Iknowthathispresencewillantagonizeher.
“Wait...IjustrememberedsomethingNoahsaid.Hesaidthefinalbillfor
mydormwaspaid.”Ilookathimquestioningly.
“Yeah...so?”
“Youpaidit,didn’tyou!”Ihalf-shout.Despitemyenergy,it’snotreallyoutof
anger,justsurpriseandannoyance.
“So...”Heshrugs.
“Hardin! You have got to stop spending money on me; it makes me
uncomfortable.”
“Idon’tseewhatthebigdealis.Itwasn’tthatmuch,”heargues.
“Whatareyoulikesecretlyrichorsomething?Areyousellingdrugs?”
“No,Ijustsavedupalotofmoneyanddon’treallyspendit.Ilivedentirely
forfreelastyearwhileIworked,somypaychecksjustkeptpilingup.Inever
reallyhadanythingtospendmoneyon...butnowIdo.”Hesmileswide.“And
Ilikespendingitonyou,sodon’tfightmeoverit.”
“You’reluckymymotherisonherwayandIonlyhaveitinmetogotowar
withoneofyou,”Iteaseandheletsoutalongchucklethatfadesuntilwe’rejust
sitting,holdinghandsandwaiting.
Afewminuteslaterthereisaknock...well,apoundingatthedoor.
Hardin stands. “I’ll be right in the other room. I love you.” He gives me a
swiftkissbeforeexiting.
IfillmylungswiththedeepestbreathIcanmanageandopenthedoor.My
mother looks eerily perfect, as always. Not a single smudge mars her heavily
made-upeyes,herredlipstickissmoothandsilky,herblondhairisneatlypiled
almostinahaloaroundherhead.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing moving out of that dorm without
telling me!” she shouts without introduction and pushes past me into the
apartment.
“Youdidn’tgivememuchofachoice,”Icounter,thenfocusonbreathingin
andouttostayascalmasIcan.
Shespinsbacktoglareatme.“Excuseme?HowdidInotgiveyouachoice?”
“Youthreatenedtonothelpmepayformydorm,”Iremindherandcrossmy
arms.
“So,Igaveyouachoice,butyoumadethewrongone,”shesnaps.
“No,you’retheonewho’swronghere.”
“Listentoyou!Lookatyou.Youaren’tthesameTessathatIdroppedoffat
collegethreemonthsago.”Shewavesherarmstogestureupanddownmybody.
“You are defying me, even yelling at me! You have some nerve! I have done
everythingforyou,andhereyouare...throwingitallaway.”
“Iamnotthrowinganythingaway!Ihaveanexcellentinternshipthatpaysme
very well; I have a car, and a four-point-oh grade point average. What more
couldyoupossiblywantfromme?”Ishoutback.
Hereyes lightup fromthe challenge,and hervoice isfull ofvenom asshe
says,“Well,forstarters,youcouldhaveatleastchangedyourclothesbeforeI
came.Honestly,Tessa,youlooklikehell.”AsIlookdownatmypajamas,she
switchestoanewcriticism.“Andwhatisthis...youwearmakeupnow?Who
are you? You’re not my Theresa, that is for certain. My Theresa wouldn’t be
hanging out in some devil worshippers apartment in her pajamas on a Friday
night.”
“Donotspeakabouthimthatway,”Isaythroughmyteeth.“Ihavealready
warnedyou.”
Mymothersquintshereyesandcackles.Herheadfallsbackinlaughter,andI
fighttheurgetosmackheracrossherperfectlypainted-onface.Iimmediately
cringeatmyviolentthoughts,butshe’spushingmetoofar.
“And another thing,” I say slowly, calmly, to make sure I deliver the
pronouncementjustso.“Thisisn’tjusthisapartment.Itisourapartment.”
Andjustlikethat,Igethertostoplaughing.
chapterninety-two
ThiswomanI’velivedwithvalueshersenseofcontrolsomuchthatthereare
fewtimesI’vemanagedtosurpriseher,letalonestunher.Buthere,Ihavereally,
trulystunnedmymother.Herpostureiserectandherfacehasfallen.
“Whatdidyoujustsay?”sheasksslowly.
“You heard me. This is our apartment—as in, we both live here.” I put my
handsonmyhipsfordramaticeffect.
“Thereisnowaythatyoulivehere.Youcan’taffordaplacelikethis!”she
scoffs.
“Wouldyouliketoseeourlease?BecauseIhaveacopy.”
“ThiswholesituationisevenworsethanIthought...”shesays,thenshifts
her eyes to stare behind me, as if I’m not even worth looking at while she
calculatesherformulaformylife.“Iknewyouwerebeingfoolishbymessing
aroundwiththat...thatboy.Butyouarejustplainstupidformovinginwith
him! You don’t even know him! You haven’t met his parents—aren’t you
embarrassedtobeseeninpublicwithhim?”
Myanger boilsover.I glance atthe wall,trying to gathersome composure,
butit’stoomuchandbeforeIcanstopmyself,Iaminherface.“Howdareyou
come into my home and insult him! I know him better than anyone, and he
knows me better than you ever could! And I have actually met his family, his
father at least. You want to know who his father is? He’s the goddamn
chancellorofWCU!”Iscream. “That shouldsatisfy yoursad little judgmental
streak.”
IhatethrowingHardin’sfatherstitlearound,butthisisthetypeofthingthat
wouldjolther.
Probably because he heard the break in my voice, Hardin comes out of the
bedroom with a worriedexpression. He comesover and stands beside me and
triestopullmebackfrommymother,justlikelasttime.
“Oh,great!Andhere’sthemanofthehour,”mymothermocks,andgestures
wildlyathim.“Hisfatherisnotthechancellor.”Shehalf-laughs.
My face is red and soaked with tears, but I couldn’t care less. “Yes, he is.
Shocked? If you weren’t so busy being a judgmental bitch, you could have
talked to him and found that out. You know what? You don’t even deserve to
know him. He has been there for me in ways you never were, and there is
nothing—andImeannothing—youcandotokeepmeawayfromhim!”
“Youdonotspeaktomethatway!”shescreamsandstepscloser.“Youthink
justbecauseyougotyourselfafancylittleapartmentandputsomeeyelineron
thatyouaresuddenlyawoman?Honey,Ihatetobreakittoyou,butyoulook
likeawhore,livingwithsomeoneateighteen!”
Hardin’seyesnarrowatherinwarning,butsheignoreshim.
“Youbetterendthisbeforeyouloseyourvirtue,Tessa.Justtakealookinthe
mirror,thenlookathim!Youtwolookridiculoustogether;youhadNoah,who
wasgreatforyou,andyouthrewhimoutfor...this!”ShegesturestoHardin.
“Noahhasnothingtodowiththis,”Isay.
Hardin’sjawclenchesandIsilentlybeghimnottosayanything.
“Noahlovesyou,andIknowyoulovehim.Nowstopthisrebelliouscharade
andcomewithme.Iwillgetyoubackintoyourdorm,andNoahwillcertainly
forgiveyou.”Shereachesahandoutauthoritatively,asifI’lltakeitandstroll
outofherewithher.
I grab the bottom of my shirt with my fists. “You are so insane. Honestly,
Mother,listentoyourself!Idon’twanttocomewithyou.IliveherewithHardin
andIlovehim.NotNoah.IcareforNoah,butitwasonlyyourinfluencethat
made me think I loved him because I felt like I should. I am sorry, but I love
Hardinandhelovesme.”
“Tessa! He doesn’t love you—he is only going to stay around until he gets
intoyourpants.Openyoureyes,littlegirl!”
Something about the way she just called me “little girl” sends me over the
edge.
“Hehas already gotten into mypants, and guess what! He’s still around!”I
shout. Hardin and my mother share the same shocked expression, but my
mothersturnstodisgustwhileHardin’sturnstoasympatheticfrown.
“I’ll tell you one thing, Theresa. When he breaks your heart and you have
nowheretogo...youbetternotcometome.”
“Oh,trustme,Iwouldn’t.Thisiswhy you’ll always be alone. You have no
controlovermeanymore—Iamanadult.Justbecauseyoucouldn’tcontrolmy
father doesn’t give you the right to try to control me!” As soon as the words
leavemy mouthI regretthem. Iknow bringingmy fatherinto thisis low, too
low.BeforeIcanapologize,Ifeelherhandconnectwithmycheek.Theshockis
morepainfulthantheassault.
Hardinstepsbetweenusandputshishandonhershoulder.Myfacestingsand
Ibitemyliptokeepfromcryingharder.
“If you don’t get the fuck out of our apartment, I will call the police,” he
warnsher.Thecalmtoneofhisvoicesendschillsdownmyspine,andInotice
mymothershiver,histoneclearlyunnervingher,too.
“Youwouldn’t.”
“Youjustputyourhandsonher,rightinfrontofme,andyouthinkIwouldn’t
callthe police onyou? If you weren’ther mum, I would do muchworse than
that.Nowyouhavefivesecondstogetout,”hesays,andIstareatmymother
withwideeyesandbringmyhandtomyburningskin.
I don’t like the way he threatened her, but I want her to leave. After a
challenging staring match between the two of them, Hardin growls, “Two
seconds.”
Shehuffsandheadstowardthedoor,theloudclamorofherheelsechoingoff
theconcretefloor.
“I hope you’re happy with your decision, Theresa,” she says and slams the
door.
Hardin’s arms wrap around me in the most comforting and reassuring
embrace,andit’sexactlywhatIneedrightnow.
“I’msosorry,baby,”hesaysintomyhair.
“I’msorrythatshesaidthoseterriblethingsaboutyou.”Myneedtodefend
himisstrongerthananyconcernformyselformymother.
“Shh. Don’t worry about me. People say shit about me all the time,” he
remindsme.
“Thatdoesn’tmakeitokay.”
“Tessa,pleasedon’tworryaboutmerightnow.Whatdoyouneed?CanIdo
anythingforyou?”heasks.
“Maybesomeice?”Ichoke.
“Sure,baby.”Hekissesmyforeheadandwalksovertothefridge.
Iknewhercomingherewouldn’tendwell,butIhadn’texpectedittobeas
badasitwas.OnonehandIambeyondproudofmyselfforstandinguptoher,
butatthesametimeIfeelterriblyguiltyforwhatIsaidaboutmyfather.Iknow
it wasn’t her fault that he left, and it’s never been lost on me that she’s been
terriblylonelyforthelasteightyears.Shehasneverevengoneonadatesince
him; she’s dedicated all of her time to me, grooming me into the woman she
wantedmetobe.Shewantsmetobejustlikeher,andthatjustisn’tgoing to
workforme.Irespectherandhowhardsheworked,butIneedtocarvemyown
pathand she hasto see thatshecan’tmakeup for hermistakesthrough me.I
maketoomanyofmyownmistakesforthattowork,anyway.Iwishshecould
behappyformeandseehowmuchIloveHardin.Iknowhisappearanceshocks
her,butifshewouldjusttakethetimetotrytogettoknowhim,I’msureshe
wouldlovehimasmuchIdo.
As long as he could contain his rudeness . . . which isn’tlikely, but I have
noticedthesmallchangesinhim.Likethewayheholdsmyhandinpublicand
thewayheleansdowntokissmenearlyeverytimeIpasshiminthehallwayof
ourapartment.MaybeIamtheonlypersonhewilleverletinside,theonlyone
whoherevealssecretsto,andtheonlyoneheloves,butthat’sfinewithme.To
behonest,theselfishpartofmekindofenjoysit.
Hardinpullsthechairoutnexttomeandputsthemakeshifticepackagainst
my cheek. The soft kitchen towel wrapped around it feels great against my
sensitiveskin.
“Ican’tbelieveshesmackedme,”Isayslowly.Thetoweldropsontothetile
floorandhereachesdowntopickitup.
“Meeither.IthoughtIwasgoingtoloseit,”hesaysandlooksintomyeyes.
“Ithoughtyouweretoo,”Iadmitandgivehimaweaksmile.
Ifeelliketodayhasbeendraggingonfortoolong;ithasbeenthelongestand
mostdrainingdayofmylife.I’mexhaustedandIjustwanttobecarriedaway.
PreferablyintobedwithHardin,toforgetaboutthedownfallofmyrelationship
withmymother.
“Iloveyoutoomuch,ortrustme,Iwouldhave.”Hesmilesbackandkisses
bothofmyclosedeyelids.
Ichoosetobelievethathewouldn’tactuallydoanythingtoher,thatheisjust
speaking metaphorically. Somehow I know that even through all his rage he
wouldn’tdosomethingterrible,andthatmakesmelovehimmore.Ihavecome
tolearnthatwhenitcomestome,Hardinismorebarkthanbite.
“Ireallywanttogotobed,”Itellhimandhenods.
“Ofcourse.”
Ipulltheblanketbackbeforelyingonmysideofthebed.“Doyouthinkshe
willalwaysbethisway?”IaskHardin.
Heshrugs,tossingasparepillowontothefloor.“Iwouldsayno,thatpeople
changeandmature.ButIdon’twanttogetyourhopesup.”
Iliedownonmystomach,buryingmyfaceinmypillow.
“Hey,”Hardinsayssoftlyagainstmyneck,trailingafingerdownthecurveof
myback.Irollover,sighingasItakeintheconcerninhiseyes.
“I’mfine,”Ilie.Ineedadistraction.Iliftmyhandtohisface,brushingmy
thumb over the curve of his full lips. I tilt the metal ring to the side and he
smiles.
“HavingfunstaringatmelikeI’msomescienceexperiment?”heteases.
I nod, wiggling the metal between my fingers and using my other hand to
touchtheringinhisbrow.
“Good to know.” He rolls his eyes and takes my thumb between his teeth
beforeIcanpullaway.Ijerkback,hittingmyhandagainsttheheadboard.
Imovetoswatathim,thewayIoftendo,andhegrabsmysorehandbetween
both of his and brings it to his mouth. I pout playfully until his tongue swirls
aroundthetipofmyindexfingerinthemostprovocativeway.Hecontinuesthis
across each fingertip until I’m a panting, needy mess—How does he do this?
Suchoddactsofaffectionfromhimaffectmesointensely.
“Feelgood?”heasks,droppingmyhandontomylap.Inodagain,atalossfor
words.“Wantmore?”Heswipeshistongueacrosshislips,wettingthem.Inod
again.
“Words,baby,”heinsists.
“Yes.More,please.”Mybrainclearlydoesn’twork.Ileanintohim,needing
histouch,needinghimtocontinuethedistraction.Heshiftsonthebed,tugging
atthestringsofmypajamapantswithonehandandpushinghishairbackfrom
hisforeheadwiththeother.Mypantiesarepulleddownandleftatmyanklesas
mypantshitthefloor.Heleansin,settlingbetweenmyspreadthighs.
“Did you know that the clitoris on the female body was made strictly for
pleasure? It has no purpose beyond that,” he informs me, pressing his thumb
against the bud. I groan, pushing my head into the pillow. “It’s true; I read it
somewhere.”
Playboy?”Itease,strugglingtoformathought,letalonewords.
He seems to find that amusing and he smirks while lowering his head. The
moment his tongue finds my sex, I grip at the sheets and he works quickly,
combining his fingers with his perfect mouth. I push my hands into his hair,
silently thanking whoever it was who discovered this knowledge as Hardin
bringsmetoorgasm,twice.
Hardinholdsmetightallnightlongandwhispershowmuchhelovesme.AsI
start to drift off, I think about the day we just had: my relationship with my
motherisdamaged,possiblybeyondrepair,andHardinsharedmoreinformation
abouthischildhoodwithme.
Mydreamsarecloudedbyascaredcurlyhairedboycryingoutforhismother.
THENEXTMORNINGIampleasedtoseethatmymothersassaulthasnotleft
any visible marks. My chest still hurts from the collapse of our already
crumblingrelationship,butIrefusetodwellonthattoday.
Itakeashowerandcurlmyhair,pinningitupsoitisn’tinmywayasIapply
my makeup and pull Hardin’s shirt from yesterday over my head. I put little
kisses all over Hardin’s shoulders and ears to wake him up, and when my
stomachgrumblesIpad into thekitchentomake us somebreakfast.Iwant to
startthedayinthebestwayIcansowecanbothremainhappyandcalmbefore
thewedding.BythetimeIfinishmyself-imposedkitchentherapy,Iampretty
proudofthemealIhaveprepared.Thecounterisfilledwithbacon,eggs,toast,
pancakes,andevenhashbrowns.Imadewaytoomuchfoodforthetwoofus,
butHardinusuallyeatsanenormousamountanyway,sothereshouldn’tbetoo
muchleft.
Ifeelstrongarmswraparoundmywaist.“Whoa...whatisallthis?”heasks
inaraspy,sleep-filledvoice.“ThisisexactlywhyIwantedtolivetogether,”he
saysintomyneck.
“Why?SoIcouldmakeyoubreakfast?”Ilaugh.
“No . . . well, yes. That and waking up to seeing you half dressed in the
kitchen.”Henipsatmyneck.HeattemptstoliftupthehemoftheT-shirtand
squeezethetopofmythighs.
Ispinandwaveaspatulainhisface.“Handstoyourselfuntilafterbreakfast,
Scott.”
“Yes,ma’am.”Hechucklesandgrabsaplate,pilingitwithfood.
Afterbreakfast,IforceHardintotakeashowerdespitehiseffortstodragme
backtothebed.Hisdarkconfessionandthefightwithmymotherseemtobe
forgotteninthemorninglight.MybreathislostinmychestwhenHardinwalks
outofthebedroominhisoutfitforthewedding.Theblackdresspantsaresnug
buthangoffhishipsinthemostdeliciousway,andhistieishangingaroundhis
neckwhilehiswhitebutton-downshirtisundone,revealinghisgorgeous,toned
torso.
“I...uhh...Iactuallyhavenoideahowtotieatie.”Heshrugs.
MymouthisdryandIcan’tstopstaringathim,soIchokeout,“Icanhelp
you.”Thankfully,Hardindoesn’taskwhereIlearnedtotieatie,sincehismood
wouldturnsourquicklyatthementionofNoah.“Youlooksohandsome,”Itell
himwhenIfinish.Heshrugsandputstheblackjacketon,completingthelook.
HischeeksflameandIcan’thelpbutlaughattheunexpectedemotion.Ican
tell he feels completely out of his element being dressed this way—and it’s
adorable.
“Whyaren’tyoudressed?”heasks.
“Iwaswaitinguntilthelastminute,sincemydressisallwhite,”Itellhimand
hemocksmeplayfully.
Finally,after another checkofmy makeup andgrabbingmyshoes, Idoput
thedresson.It’sevenshorterthanIremember,butHardinseemstoapprove.His
eyes never leave my chest after catching sight of my strapless bra. He always
makesmefeelsobeautifulandwanted.
“As long as all the men there are my fathers age, we shouldn’t have a
problem.” He smirks and zips me up. I roll my eyes and he kisses my bare
shoulderbeforeIunclipmyhair,lettingmylongcurlsfalldownmyshoulders.
Thepalefabricofthedressistightagainstmybody,andIsmileatthereflection
ofHardinandmeinthemirror.
“Youareabsolutelystunning,”hetellsme,kissingmeagain.
We scramble around and make sure we have everything we need for the
wedding,includingtheinvitationandacongratulationscardIbought.AsIput
myphoneintoasmallclutchbag,Hardingrabsmebythewaist.
“Smile,”hesaysandpullsouthisphone.
“Ithoughtyoudidn’ttakepictures.”
“I told you I would take one, so let’s take one.” His smile is goofy and
youthfulanditmakesmyheartswell.
IsmileandleanintoHardinashesnapsourpicture.“Onemore,”heinstructs
andIstickmytongueoutatthelastmoment.Hecaptureditattherightmoment,
mytongueonhischeekandhiseyeswideandfullofhumor.
“That’smyfavorite,”Itellhim.
“Thereareonlytwo.”
“Yeah,butstill.”Ikisshimandhesnapsanother.
“Accident,”helies,andIhearhimtakeanotherasIgivehimalook.
NEARHISFATHER’SHOUSE,Hardinstopstogetgassowedon’thavetoon
thewayhome.Asheisfillingup,afamiliarcarpullsintotheparkinglot,with
Nateinthefrontseat.ZedparkshiscartwopumpsoverfromHardin’sandgets
outtogoinside.
IgaspwhenIgetagoodlookathim:hislipisswollen,andbothhiseyesare
black and blue. His cheek has a deep purple bruise, and when he notices
Hardin’scarafuriousscowltakesoverhishandsome,damagedface.Whatthe
hell? He doesn’t say anything at all, or even acknowledge Hardin and me.
Withinseconds,Hardinclimbsbackintothecarandtakesmyhand.Ilookdown
atourintertwinedfingersandgasp,myeyestrailingoverhisbustedknuckles.
“You!”Isayandheraiseshisbrow.“Youbeathimup,didn’tyou?That’swho
youfoughtandthat’swhyhejustignoredus!”
“Would you calm down?” Hardin barks and rolls up my window before
pullingoutofthelot.
“Hardin...” I lookovertowhere Zed hasdisappearedinside,thenback at
Hardin.
“Canwepleasetalkaboutitafterthewedding?I’malreadyonedge.Please?”
hebegsandInod.
“Fine.Afterthewedding,”Iagreeandgentlysqueezethehandofhisthatdid
somuchdamagetomyfriend.
chapterninety-three
Clearly trying to change the subject, Hardin asks, “So now that we have our
ownplace,Iassumeyoudon’twanttostayatmyfathershousetonightstill?”
IforceZed’sbeatenfacetothebackofmymind.“You’dassumecorrectly.”I
smile.“UnlessKarenasksusto;youknowIwon’tsayno,”Itellhim.
IamnervoustoseeKenafterwhatHardintoldmelastnight.Iamtryingto
clearitfrommymind,butit’shardertoaccomplishthanIthought.
“Oh,Ialmostforgot,”hesaysandreachesfortheradio.
Ilookoverathimandheholdshisfingeruptotellmetowait.“Idecidedto
givetheFrayanothertry,”heinformsme.
“Really?Andwhendidyoudecidethis?”Iquestion.
“Well, after our first date at the stream, but I didn’t open the CD until last
week,”headmits.
“Thatwasnotadate,”Iteaseandhechuckles.
“Youletmefingeryou.Iwouldsaythat’sadate.”
HegrabsmyhandasItrytoswathimandkissesmypalm.Igiggleandwrap
myfingersaroundhisslenderones.ImagesofmelyingonthewetT-shirtwhile
HardingavememyfirstorgasmfloodmythoughtsandHardinsmirks.
“Thatwasfun,huh?”heboastsandIlaugh.
“Anyway,tellmeyourevolvedopinionontheFray,”Irequest.
“Well,theyarenotsobad,actually.Thereisonesongthatreallystickswith
me.”
NowIamevenmorecurious.“Really?”
“Yeah...”hesaysandhiseyesflickertotheroadbeforehepressesthebutton
onhisradio.MusicfloodsthroughthesmallspaceandIimmediatelysmile.
“It’scalled‘NeverSayNever,’ ”Hardinsays,asifit’snewinformationtome
andnotalreadyoneofmyfavorites.
We listen to the lyrics silently and I can’t fight the silly grin on my face. I
knowheisslightlyembarrassedbyplayingthissongforme,soIdon’tdiscuss
it.IsimplyenjoythistendermomentwithHardin.
TherestofthedriveisfilledwithHardinflippingthroughsongsonthealbum,
tellingmewhathethinksofeachone.Thissmallbutmeaningfulgesturemeans
moretomethanhewilleverknow.Ilovethesemomentswhenheshowsmea
newsideofhimself.Thissideisoneofmynewfavorites.
Whenwearriveathisfathershouse,thestreetisfullofcars.Steppingout,I
feelthecrispwindblowthroughme,andIshiver.ThethinjacketIworeover
mydress doesn’toffermeand mysmall dressmuch protection, really. Hardin
shrugsoutofhisjacketandlaysitovermyshoulders.It’ssurprisinglywarmand
smellslikehim,myfavoritescent.
“Well...lookatyoubeingsuchagentleman.Whowouldhavethought?”I
tease.
“Don’tmakemetakeyoubacktothecarandfuckyou,”hesays,andImakea
noisebetweenagaspandsqueak,whichhefindsveryamusing.“Doyouthink
youhaveroominthat...pursething...toholdmyphone?”heasks.
“It’saclutch,andyes.”Ismileandholdmyhandout.Heplacesthephonein
my palm, and as I push it into the small purse, I notice his background is no
longerplaingray.Thesmallscreenholdsthepictureofmethathesnappedwhile
Iwastalkingtohimintheroom.Mylipsareslightlypartedandmyeyesarefull
oflife.Mycheekshaveawarmglow;it’sstrangetoseemyselfthatway.Thisis
whathedoestome—hemakesmecomealive.
“I love you,” I tell him and close the bag without putting him on the spot
abouthisnewbackground.
Inside, Ken and Karen’s largehouse is full of people, and Hardin grips my
handtightlyafterretrievinghisjacketandputtingitbackon.
“Let’strytofindLandon,”Isuggest.
Hardingivesmeanodandleadstheway.Weendupfindinghisstepbrotherin
thelivingroomnexttothechinacabinetthatreplacedtheoneHardinbrokethe
first night I came here. Which seems so long ago. Landon is surrounded by a
groupofmenwhoalllooktobeatleastsixty,andoneofthemhashishandon
Landon’sshoulder.Asmileappearsonhisfacewhenhespotsus,andheexcuses
himself from their conversation. He looks very handsome in a suit similar to
Hardin’s.
“Whoa,IneverthoughtI’dlivetoseeyouinasuitandtie.”Landonlaughs.
“Ifyoukeeptalkingaboutit,youwon’tlivemuchlonger,”Hardinthreatens,
butthere’shumorbehindhiswordsashesmiles.Icantellheiswarmingupto
Landon,and that makesme happy.Landon is oneof myclosest friends, andI
reallycareforhim.
“Mymotherwillbethrilled.AndTessa,youlookbeautiful,”hesaysandpulls
me in for a hug. Hardin doesn’t let go of my hand while I try to hug Landon
back,soIdomybestwithonearm.
“Whoareallthesepeople?”Iask.IknowKenandKarenhavebeenhereonly
alittleoverayear,soit’sastoundingthatthereareatleasttwohundredpeople
here.
“MostofthemareKen’sfriendsfromtheuniversity,andtherestarefriends
andfamily.Ionlyknowabouthalfofthem.”Helaughs.“Wouldyouguyslikea
drink?Everyonewillbegoingoutsideinabouttenminutes.”
“WhosebrightideawasittohaveanoutdoorweddinginDecember?”Hardin
complains.
“Mymothers,” Landon says.“Besides, the tents are heated, obviously.” He
looksaroundatthecrowd,thenbackatHardin.“Youshouldgoletyourfather
knowthatyouarehere.He’supstairs.Mymotherishidingsomewherewithmy
aunt.”
“Um...IthinkI’lljuststaydownhere,”Hardinreplies.
Icaress his handwith my thumb; he givesme an appreciative squeeze, and
Landonnods.“Well,Ihavetogofornow,butIwillseeyouafter,”hesaysand
leavesuswithasmile.
“Doyouwanttogooutsidenow?”IaskHardinandhenods.“Iloveyou,”I
tellhim.
Hesmiles,fulldimples.“Iloveyou,Tess,”hesaysandplantsakissonmy
cheek.
Hardinopensthebackdoorandgivesmehisjacketonceagain.Steppingout,
Iseethatthebackyardhasbeenwonderfullytransformed.Twolargetentstake
upmostofthe yard, andhangingfromthe trees andthepatioarehundreds of
smallglowinglanterns.Eveninthedaylight,theyarebeautiful,andit’sallquite
asighttobehold.
“Ithinkit’sthisone,”Hardinsaysandgesturestothesmallerofthetwotents.
We squeeze through the part in the flaps, and indeed he is right. Rows of
wooden chairs face a simple altar, with beautiful white flowers hung on some
wallsandalltheguestsinblack-and-whiteattire.Abouthalftheseatsarefull,so
wetakeaseatinthesecond-to-lastrow,becauseIknowHardindoesn’twantto
beupclose.
“IneverthoughtIwouldbeattendingmyfatherswedding,”hesaystome.
“Iknow. Iam incredibly proudof you forcoming. Itwillmean somuchto
them. It maybe sounds like you think it will be good for you, too.” I lean my
headonhisshoulder,andhesnakeshisarmaroundme.
Webegintotalkaboutthebeautifulwaythistenthasbeendecorated,inall
blackandwhite.Simpleandelegant.Itssimplicitymakesmefeelevenmorelike
I’vebeeninvitedtoanintimate,personalmomentinhisfamily,despitethelarge
numberofguests.
“Iguessthereceptionisintheothertent?”hesaysandtwirlsapieceofmy
hairbetweenhisthumbandindexfinger.
“Ithinkso.Ibetit’sevenmorebeautifulthan—”
“Hardin?Isthatyou?”awoman’svoicesays.Webothturnourheadstothe
left.Anelderlywomaninablack-and-whitefloraldressandflatshoesstaresat
uswithwideeyes.“Ohmyheavens,itisyou!”shegasps.Hergrayhairisswept
back into a simple bun, and her minimal makeup makes her look healthy,
radiant.
Forhispart,allthecolorhasdrainedfromHardin’sfaceashestandsupand
greetsher.“Gammy.”
Shepullshiminforatighthug.“Ican’tbelieveyou’rehere.Ihaven’tseen
youinyears.Lookatyou,youhandsomeboy.Well,man,now.Ican’tbelieve
how tall you are! And what are these?” She scowls and points at his facial
piercings.
Heflushesandgivesoutanuncomfortablelaugh.“Howhaveyoubeen?”he
asksherandshiftsbackandforthontheballsofhisfeet.
“Iamgood,dear—I’vemissedyousomuch,”shesaysandpatsthecornersof
hereyes.Aftera beat, shedramaticallylooksaround him atmeandasks with
notableinterest,“Andwhoisthislovelyyoungwoman?”
“Oh...sorry.ThisisTess...Tessa.My...girlfriend,”heanswers.“Tessa,
thisismygammy...mygrandma.”
Ismileandstandup.ThethoughtofmeetingHardin’sgrandparentshadnever
crossed my mind. I had assumed they were dead, like mine. He has never
broughtthemup,butthatisn’tsurprising.IsupposeIhaven’t,either.
“It’ssonicetomeetyou,”Isaytoherandreachtoshakeherhand,butshehas
otherplansandpullsmeinforahugandkissesmycheek.
“Thepleasureisallmine.Whatabeautifulgirlyouare!”shesaysinanaccent
eventhickerthanHardin’s.“MynameisAdele,butyouwillcallmeGammy.”
“Thankyou,”Isay,blushing.
Sheclapsherhandsinglee.“Ijustcan’tbelieveyouarehere.Haveyouseen
your father recently? Does he know you are here?” she asks, looking back at
Hardin.
Hardinbashfullyputshishandsintohispockets.“Yeah,heknows.Ihavesort
ofbeencomingherelately.”
“Well,thatissogreattohear.Ihadnoidea,”shesaysandIcantellsheison
thebrinkoftearsagain.
“Okay, everyone, if you could all take a seat, the ceremony will begin
shortly,”amanwithamicrophonesaysfromtheraisedplatformupfront.
Gammy pulls Hardin by the arm before he can protest. “Come sit with the
family—youtwoshouldn’tbeallthewaybackhere.”Helooksbackatmeand
gives me a look that says “help me,” but I just smile and follow them to the
front.WetakeaseatnexttosomeonewholooksalotlikeKarenandIassumeis
her sister. Hardin takes my hand in his, and his grandmother looks down and
smiles at our affection before putting her hand on his other one. He stiffens a
littlebutdoesn’tremoveit.
Kenwalkstohisplace,andthelookonhisfacewhenhespotshissonsitting
in the front row is indescribable: heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same
time.Hardinevengiveshimasmallsmile,whichKenhappilyreturns.Landon
stands next to Ken on the stage, but Hardin doesn’t seem to mind; he would
neverhaveagreedtobeupthereanyway.
WhenKarenenters,acollectivesighsoundsthroughtheroom.Shelooksso
beautifulasshewalksdowntheaisle.Herfacewhenshespotshergroommakes
meleanintoHardin’sshoulder.Happinessisradiatingoffofher,andhersmile
lights up the tent. Her dress is brushing against the floor, and her cheeks are
glowing,addingtotheambience.
The ceremony is beautiful and I find myself with wet cheeks when Ken’s
voicecracksintoa small sob ashereciteshis vows tohisbride.Hardin looks
over at me and smiles, removing his hand from mine and wiping my cheeks.
Karen makes a beautiful bride and their first kiss as husband and wife earns
cheersandapplausefromthecrowd.
“Sap,”HardinteasesasIlaymyheadonhisshoulderwhilethecrowdfiles
out.
Afterabit,weaccompanyHardin’sgrandmatotheothertent,andIwasright
—it’s evenmorebeautifulthanthefirstone.Upnearthewallsofthistentare
tablesdrapedwithwhiteclothandtoppedwithblacknapkinsandcenterpiecesof
blackandwhiteflowers.Theceilingiscoveredinlanternsjustliketheyard,and
theycastasubtleglowthroughouttheroom,reflectingnicelyofftheglassware
andglossywhiteplates.Themiddleofthetentisclearedforwhatappearstobe
adancefloorwithblackandwhitetiles,andwaitersarestandingattheready,
waitingforeveryonetogettheirseats.
“Now, don’t you disappear. I want to see you again tonight,” Hardin’s
grandmothersaysandleavesus.
“ThisisthefanciestweddingIhavebeento,”hesaysandlooksatthewhite
clothdrapedacrosstheceiling.
“Ihaven’tbeentoaweddingsinceIwasachild,”Itellhimandhesmiles.
“Ilikethat,”hesaysandkissesmycheek.
Iamnotusedtohispublicdisplaysofaffection,butIcouldgetusedtothem
quickly.
“Likewhat?”Iaskashesitsdownatoneofthetables.
“Thatyouhaven’tbeentoaweddingwithNoah,”hesaysandIlaughtoavoid
frowning.
“Me,too,”Iassurehimandhesmiles.
THEFOODISDELICIOUS.Igoforthechicken,andHardinchoosesthesteak.
Theysetthingsupinabuffetlinetokeepitcasual,butthefoodisanythingbut.
I drag a piece of chicken through the creamy sauce and bring the fork to my
mouth—butHardinsnatchesitfromme,smilingashechewsthebite.Hecoughs
alittle,tryingtomasterchewingandlaughingatonce.
“That’swhatyougetforstealingmyfood,”Iteasehim,poppinganewpiece
intomymouthbeforehecangrabit.
Helaughs,leaning into myshoulder, and Icatchthe woman acrossfromus
staring.Herexpressionisn’tamusedasshewatchesHardinpresshislipsagainst
myshoulder.Istarebackatherequallyharshlyandshelooksaway.
“Doyouwantmetogetyouanotherplate?”IaskHardin,loudenoughforthe
rudewomantohearmyoffer.Shelooksoveratthemannexttoherandraisesa
brow.Hedoesn’tseemtobepayingattentiontoher,whichannoysherfurther.I
smileandplacemyhandoverHardin’s.He’sasobliviousasthemanacrossthe
table,andI’mglad.
“Uh,yeah,sure.Thankyou.”
Ileandowntokisshischeekandmakemywaybacktothelineforfood.
“Tessa?” a familiar voice calls. I look over to see Mr. Vance and Trevor
standingafewfeetaway.
“Hello.”Ismile.
“Youlookbreathtaking,”Trevorsays,andIthankhimquietly.
“Howareyouenjoyingyourweekend?”Mr.Vanceasksme.
“It’sgreat.I’vebeenenjoyingmyweeksoflateaswell,”Iassurehim.
“Oh,sure.”Helaughsandgrabshimselfaplate.
“Noredmeat!”Kimberlysaysfrombehindhim.Hepretendstoshoothimself
inthetemple,andsheblowshimakiss.KimberlyandMr.Vance?Whowould
havethought?IwillhavetopressherfordetailsonMonday.
“Women,”heteasesandfillsherplateasIdoHardin’s.
“I’llseeyouinafew.”Hesmilesandwalksbacktohisdate.Shewavesatme
and gets the young boy on her lap to do the same. I wave back, wondering
suddenlyifshehasachild.
Trevorleansinandanswersmythoughts.“It’shisson.”
“Oh,”IsayandlookawayfromKimberly.
Trevor keepshis eyeson Mr. Vance. “His wifepassed awayfive years ago,
rightafterhewasborn.Hehasn’tdatedanyoneuntilKim,andthey’veonlybeen
seeingeachotherforafewmonths,butheisheadoverheelsforher.”Heturns
tomeandsmiles.
“Well,nowIknowwhotohitupforalltheofficegossip,”Ijokeandweboth
laugh.
“Babe . . .” Hardin says and wraps his arm around my waist, clearly in an
attempttoclaimhisterritory.
“Nicetoseeyou.Hardin,isit?”Trevorasks.
“Yeah,”Hardinanswersshortly.“We bettergetbacktoourseats;Landonis
lookingforyou.”Hepullsmeclosertohim,silentlydismissingTrevor.
“I’llseeyoulater,Trevor!”IsmilepolitelyandhandHardinhisplateoffood
aswewalkbacktothetable.
chapterninety-four
Where’sLandon?”IaskHardinwhenwetakeourseats.
Hetakesabiteofacroissant.“Idon’tknow.”
“Um,yousaidhewaslookingforme?”
“Hewas,butIdon’tknowwhereheisnow.”
“Hardin,youshouldn’ttalkwithyourmouthfull.”Hisgrandmotherappears
behindhim.
Inoticehimtakeadeepbreathbeforeheturnstoher.“Sorry,”hemumbles.
“IwantedtoseeyoubeforeIgo—GodknowswhenIwillseeyouagain.Can
yousaveadanceforyourgammy?”sheasksohsoadorably,butheshakeshis
head.“Whynot?”sheaskshimwithasmile.
Irealizenowthatitwasn’tjustshockthathadHardinrattledbefore.There’sa
tensionbetweenthemthatIcan’tquiteputmyfingeron.
“IamonmywaytogetTessaadrink,”heliesandleavesthetable.
Hisgrandmotherlaughsuncomfortably.“Well,he’ssomething,isn’the?”Iam
notsurewhattosay;myfirstinstinctistodefendhim,butitseemssheisjoking.
Sheturnstomesharply.“Ishestilldrinking?”
“What? N-no,” I stutter, completely caught off guard. “Well,he only drinks
everyonceinawhile,”IclarifyasIseehimwalkingtowarduswithtwoflutes
fullofpinkliquid.
HehandsmeoneandIsmileandliftittomylips.ItsmellssweetwhenItip
theglassbacktotakeadrink,andthebubblesspritzlightly,ticklingmynose.It
tastesjustassweetasitsmells.
“Champagne,”heinformsmeandIthankhim.
“Tessa!”Karenpracticallyshoutsrightbeforeshewrapsherarmsaroundme.
She has changed out of her wedding dress and into a white knee-length wrap
dress,notthatshelooksanylessstunning.“Iamsothrilledthatyoutwocame!
Howwasit?”sheasks.Karenistheonlypersonwhowouldaskhowherown
weddingwas;sheistookind.
“Itwassolovely;itwasbeautiful.”Ismile.
HardinputshishandonthesmallofmybackandIleanintohim.Icansense
howuncomfortableheisbetweenhisgrandmotherandKaren,andnowKenis
makinghiswayovertous.
“Thankyouforcoming,”KensaystoHardinandholdsouthishandtoshake.
Hardinobligesandquicklyshakeshisfathershand.InoticeKenstarttolift
hisarmuptohugHardin,buthelowersitbeforefollowingthrough.Still,Ken’s
faceisfullofexcitementandjoy.
“Tessa,youlookbeautiful,dear.”Hehugsmeandtheneagerlyasks,“Areyou
enjoyingyourselves?”
I can’t help but feel a little awkward around him now that I have a deeper
insightintowhohewasallthoseyearsago.“Yeah.It’sanicesetupyou’vegot
outhere.”Hardindoeshisbesttopraisehisfather.Iputmyhandonhisback
andrubsmallcirclestoeasehim.
Hardin’sgrandmothercoughsandlooksathisfather.“Ididn’tknowthatyou
twowerespeaking.”
Kenrubsthebackofhisneck,ahabitthatIsuspectHardingotfromhim.
“Yeah.Let’stalkaboutthisanothertime,Mother,”Kensaysandshenodsin
agreement.
ItakeanotherdrinkoutofmyglassandtrynottodwellonthefactthatIam
drinkingunderageinfrontofadults.Infrontofthechancellorofmyschool.
A waiterinablackvestwalksbywithatrayofchampagne,andwhenKen
grabs a flute I cringe. But he hands the glass to his new bride and I relax,
extremelygladtoseethatheisn’tdrinking.
“Wantanother?”HardinasksmeandIlookatKaren.
“Goahead,it’sawedding,”shetellsmeandIsmile.
“Sure,”IsayandHardinleavestogetmeanotherglass.
We talk about the wedding and the flowers for a minute, and when Hardin
comesbackwithonlyoneflute,Karengetsconcernedandaskshim,“Youdon’t
likethechampagne?”
“Ohyeah,it’sgood,butIalreadyhadaglassandI’mdriving,”hereplies,and
Karenlooksathimwithadorationclearinherbrowneyes.
Sheturns tome. “Doyou havetime tocome bythis week?I orderedsome
seedsforthegreenhouse.”
“Yes,ofcourse.Iamfreeanytimeafterfourallweek,”Isay.
The pleased yet astonished look on Gammy’s face is obvious as she looks
backandforthbetweenKarenandme.“Sohowlonghaveyoutwobeenseeing
oneanother?”sheasksHardinandme.
“Afewmonths,”Hardintellsherquietly.
Sometimes I forget that no one outside of our—well, Hardin’s—group of
friendsknowsthatwedespisedeachotherupuntiltwomonthsago.
“Oh, so no great-grandchildren for me anytime soon?” She laughs and
Hardin’sfaceflushes.
“No,no.We’veonly just movedintogether,” Hardinsays,andKaren andI
bothspitchampagnebackintoourglassesatthesametime.
“Youtwomovedintogether?”Kenasks.
IhadnotexpectedHardintotellthemtoday.Heck,Ihadn’tevenbeensurehe
wouldtellthematall,givenhowheis.Iamshockedandalittleembarrassedat
myreaction,butmostlypleasedthathehasnoproblemadmittingit.
“Yeah,wemovedintoArtisanafewdaysago,”heexplains.
“Wow,that’saniceplace,andclosertoTessa’sinternship,”Kenremarks.
“Yeah,”Hardinsays,clearlytryingtomeasurehoweveryonefeelsaboutour
bombshell.
“Well, I am very happy for you, son.” He places his hand on his son’s
shoulderandIwatchwithaneutralexpression.“Ineverimaginedyouwouldbe
thishappyandso...atpeace.”
“Thankyou,”Hardinsaysandactuallysmiles.
“Maybewecouldcomebysometimeandseeit?”Kenasks,andKaren’seyes
lower.
“Ken...”shewarns,clearlyrememberingthetimeKenpushedHardintoo
far,asamI.
“Uh,yeah,Iguessyoucould,”Hardinsays,surprisingusall.
“Really?”KenasksandHardinnods.“Okay, just let us know whenisgood
forthetwoofyou.”Hiseyesareslightlyglossy.
MusicbeginstoplaythroughthetentandKarengrabsKen’sarm.“That’sour
cue—thank you both so much for coming,” she says and leans in to kiss my
cheek.
“Youhavedonesomuchforthisfamily,youhavenoidea,”shewhispersin
myearbeforepullingaway,tearsshininginhereyes.
“Timeforthebrideandgroom’sfirstdance!”avoiceannouncesthroughthe
speakers. Hardin’s grandmother walks away as well, following the crowd to
watch.
“Youjustmadetheirday,”ItellHardinandkisshischeek.
“Let’sgoupstairs,”hesays.
“What?”MyheadisalittlefuzzyfromthetwoglassesofchampagneIjust
finished.
“Upstairs,”herepeats,sendingthatfamiliarelectricitythroughme.
“Now?”Ilaugh.
“Now.”
“Butallthesepeople...”
Hedoesn’trespond;insteadhetakesmyhandandleadsmethroughthecrowd
andoutofthetent.Whenwegetinsidethehouse,hegrabsmeanotherglassof
champagne,andItrynottoletitspillasIrushupthestairstokeepupwithhim.
“Issomethingwrong?”Iaskhimasheshutsthebedroomdoorandlocksit.
“Ineedyou,”hesaysdarklyandpullshisjacketoff.
“Areyouokay,though?”Iask,myheartalreadybeatingoutofmychest.
“Yes,Ijustneedadistraction,”hegroansandstepstowardme,grabbingthe
glassandsettingitonthedresser.Hetakesanotherstep,encirclingmywristsin
hishandsandthenliftingthemovermyhead.
Iwillgladlybehisdistractionfromtheoverloadofeverythingdownstairs—
seeing his grandmother for the first time in years, watching his father get
remarried,agreeingtoletthemcometoourapartment.ThatisalotforHardinin
suchashortperiodoftime.
Insteadofaskinghimanyquestionsorpushinghimfurther,Igrabhimbythe
collarofhisshirtandpushmyhipsouttomeethis.He’salreadyhard.Groaning,
heletsgoofmywrists,allowingmetocombmyfingersthroughhishair.When
hismouthmovesovermine,histongueishotandsweetwiththelingeringtaste
ofchampagne.Withinsecondsheisreachingintohispocketandpullingouta
foilpacket.
“We’ve got to get you on birth control so I can stop using these. I want to
reallybeabletofeelyou.”Hisvoiceishuskyandhepullsmylowerlipbetween
his,suckinglightlyandseductively,makingmybodycravehimevenmore.
Ihearhimunzipandhehissesasmyhandsreachdownandpushhispantsand
boxers down to his knees. Hardin’s hands go up the front of my dress and he
hookshislongfingersaroundmypantiesandpullsthemdown.Iclumsilystep
out of them, using his arms to steady myself. He chuckles lightly before
connectinghislipswithmyneck.Hishandssqueezemyhipsbeforeheliftsme
upandIwhimperalittle,wrappingmylegsaroundhiswaist.
Myhandsgripthetopofmydressinanattempttopullitdown,buthepleads
intomyneck,“No,leaveiton.Thisdressissoincrediblysexy...it’ssosexy,
yetwhiteandvirginallooking...andfuck...it’ssohot.You’resobeautiful.”
Heliftsmeupfarther,thenlowersmeontohim.Mybackisagainstthesmooth
door and Hardin begins guiding me up and down. There is a fever and a
desperationinhimthatIhavenotseenatthislevelbefore,andIfeelasthoughI
amiceandheisfire.Wearesocompletelydifferent,yetthesame.
“Is...this...okay?”hestutters,hisarmswrappedaroundmybacktokeep
mesteady.
“Yes,”Imoan. The feeling ofhimtakingme this way,against the door,my
legsaroundhiswaist,isveryintensebutheavenlyallthesame.
“Kissme,”hebegs.
Islidemytongueacrosshislipsbeforehismouthparts,allowingmeaccess.
Tuggingathishair,Idomybesttokisshimashemovesinandoutofmefaster
and faster. Our bodies are moving vigorously, but our kiss remains slow and
intimate.
“I can’t get enough of you, Tess, I . . . fuck. I love you,” he says into my
mouthandIgaspandmoan,thatfeelinggrowinginthepitofmystomach.
AfewgruntsescapehislipsandIcryout,bothofusreachingourclimaxes.
“Letgo,baby,”heinstructs,andIdojustthat.Heleaveshislipspressedagainst
mine,swallowingmymoansashetensesandspillsintothecondom.
With a few heavy breaths his head falls onto my chest and he continues to
holdme in placefor a fewseconds before liftingme and thenlowering me to
standonmyownfeet.
Itiltmyheadbackagainstthedoorandcatchmybreathasheneatlyputsthe
condombackintothewrapperandputsitintohispocketbeforepullinghispants
backup.
“Remindmetothrowthatawayassoonaswegetdownstairs.”Helaughsand
Igiggle.“Thankyou,”hesaysandkissesmycheek.“Notforwhatwejustdid,
butforeverything.”
“You never need to thank me, Hardin. You do as much for me as I do for
you.”Ilookintohisbrightgreeneyes.“Actually,more.”
“Noway.”Heshakeshisheadgentlyandtakesmyhand.“Let’sgobackdown
beforesomeonecomeslookingforus.”
“HowdoIlook?”Iask,runningmyfingersthroughmyhairandwipingunder
myeyes.
“Freshlyfucked,”heteasesandIrollmyeyes.“Youlookbeautiful.”
“Sodoyou,”Itellhim.
ALMOSTEVERYONEINTHETENTisdancingbythetimewereturn,andit
seemsthatourabsencehasgoneunnoticed.Aswetakeourseatsanothersong
begins.Irecognizeit:“NeverLetMeGo,”byFlorenceandtheMachine.
“Doyouwanttodance?”IaskHardin,eventhoughIamsureIalreadyknow
hisanswer.
“No,Idon’tdance,”hesaysandlooksoveratme.“Unless...youwantto?”
headds.
Iamsurprisedbyhisofferandthrilledthathewoulddancewithme.Heholds
hishandoutformine,butreallyI’mtheonewholeadsusontothecheckered
dancefloor,movingquicklyincasehechangeshismind.Westayintheback,a
gooddistancefromthecrowd.
“Idon’thaveacluewhattodo.”Helaughs.
“I’llshowyou,”Iassurehimandplacehishandsonmyhips.Hestepsonmy
feet a few times, but he catches on quickly. Never in a million years would I
haveevenentertainedthethoughtthatHardinwouldbedancingathis fathers
wedding.
“Sortofadementedsongtoplayatawedding,isn’tit?”Helaughsintomy
ear.
“Notreally;it’ssortofperfect,”Isayandleanmyheadonhischest.
I am aware that we aren’tactually dancing as much as we are just swaying
backandforthholdingeachother,butthat’sfinewithme.Westaythatwayfor
thenexttwosongs,whichendupbeingtwoofmyfavorites.“YouFoundMe”
bytheFraymakesHardinlaughasheholdsmeclosetohim.Thenext,apop
songbyaboyband,plays,makingmesmileandhimrollhiseyes.Duringboth,
Hardin gives me some background on his grandmother. She still lives in
England,buthehasn’tseenorspokentohersinceshephonedhimonhistwelfth
birthday.Shetookhisfatherssideduringthedivorceanddefendedhisdrinking,
essentially blaming Hardin’s mother for everything, which was enough for
Hardintonotwanttospeaktoheragain.Heseemsverycomfortablesharingthis
information with me, so I stay quiet, only nodding and humming in
acknowledgmentofhisremarks.
Hardinmakesafewjokesabouthowannoyingandwhinyallthesongsbeing
playedare,andIlaughathim.
“Youwanttogobackupstairs?”hejokesandlowershishandonmyback.
“Maybe.”
“I’llhavetogiveyouchampagnemoreoften.”Imovehishandsbackupto
mywaistandhepouts,whichmakesmelaughevenmore.“I’mactuallyhaving
aprettydecenttime,”headmits.
“Me,too.Thankyouforcomingwithme.”
“Iwouldn’twanttobeanywhereelse.”
Iknowhedoesn’tmeantheweddingbutjustwithmeingeneral.Thethought
sendswarmththroughme.
“MayIcutin?”Kenasksasthenextsongbegins.
Hardinfrownsandlooksatme,thenbacktohisfather.“Yeah,butonlyone
song,”hegrumbles.
Ken laughs and repeats his son’s words: “One song.” Hardin letsgo of me,
andKen’shandgoesaroundmyback.IswallowdowntheuneasyfeelingsIhold
for him. He keeps the conversation light as we dance and my ill feelings are
furthermutedaswelaughatanobviouslydrunkcoupleswayingbackandforth
nexttous.
“Wouldyoulookatthat?”Kenthensays,hisvoicefullofwonder.
I turn to see what he’s referring to and hear my own small gasp as I spot
HardinawkwardlyswayingbackandforthwithKaren.Shelaughsashestepson
her white shoes, and he smiles an embarrassed smile. Tonight has been better
thanIcouldhavedreamed.
After the song ends, Hardin quickly finds his way back to me, and Karen
follows.Wetellthehappybrideandgroomthatwe’regoingtogo,andweall
exchange hugs once again, Hardin’s being maybe incrementally less stiff than
earlier.SomeonecallsKen’snameandhenodsatthem.HeandKarensaytheir
final goodbyes and thank us once again for coming to the wedding before
disappearingintothecrowd.
“Oh,myfeetarekillingme,”Isay.ThisisthelongestIhavewornheelsinmy
entirelifeandIamgoingtoneedaweektorecover.
“Wouldyoulikemetocarryyou?”hesaysinamocking,babylikevoice.
“No.”Igiggle.
As we are leaving the tent, Trevor walks by with Mr. Vance and Kimberly.
HersmileisbrightandshewinksatmeafterlookingHardinupanddown.Itry
tostiflemylaughandendupcoughing.
“Didyousavemeadance?”Mr.VanceteasesHardin.
“No,absolutelynot.”Hardinlaughsbackathim.
“You’releavingsosoon?”Trevorlooksatme.
“Wehavebeenhereforawhile,actually,”Hardinanswersformeandpulls
meawayfromthem.“Nicetoseeyou,Vance,”hecallsoverhisshoulderaswe
walkoutofthetent.
“Thatwasrude.”Iscoldhimwhenwegettohiscar.
“Hewasflirtingwithyou.IamentitledtobeasrudeasIplease.”
“Trevorwasn’tflirting;hewasjustbeingnice.”
Hardinrollshiseyes.“Hewantsyou,Icantell.Don’tbesonaïve.”
“Justbenicetohim,please.IworkwithhimandIdon’twantanyproblems,”
Isaycalmly.Tonighthasbeentoogoodanighttoruinoverhisjealousy.
Hardinsmirksevilly.“IcouldalwaysjusthaveVancefirehim.”
Ican’thelpbutlaughathiscockyresponse.“You’reinsane,”Isnort.
“Onlywhenitcomestoyou,”hesaysandpullsontothestreet.
chapterninety-five
Ilovecominghome!”Iproclaimwithasquealaswewalkintotheapartment,
onlytothenrealizeit’sfreezing.“Exceptwhenyouturntheheatoff.”Ishiver
andhechuckles.
“Istillhaven’tfiguredthatthingoutyet;it’stoohigh-tech.”
AsHardintriestofigureoutthethermostat,Igrabablanketoffthebedand
twofromtheclosetanddroptheminaheaponthecouch,thengobacktothe
bedroom.“Hardin!”Icall.
“Coming!”
“Can you unzip me?” I ask as he comes in, looking frustrated from his
handymanmoment.
I flinch from the coolness of his fingertips against my bare skin. He
apologizes,thenhastilyunzipsthematerial,anditdropstothefloor.Itakemy
shoes off and find that the concrete floor is freezing as well. Hurrying to the
dresser,IgrabthewarmestpajamasIcanfind.
“Here,let me giveyou something,”he saysand walks tothe closet,pulling
outagrayhoodedsweatshirt.
“Thanks.”Ismile.Idon’tknowwhatitisaboutbeinginHardin’sclothesthat
Ilovesomuch;it’salmostasifwearingthembringsuscloser.Ineverdidthis
withNoah, exceptonce when I borrowed a sweatshirt whilecamping withhis
family.
Hardin seems to like when I wear his clothes, too. He watches me slip the
sweatshirtovermyheadwithlustfuleyes.Inoticehimstrugglingtogetthetie
offandIpadovertohelphim.HewatchesmesilentlyasIpullthethinfabric
from around his neck and set it aside before grabbing a pair of thick, fuzzy,
purplesocksthatmymothergotmeforChristmaslastyear.
ItdawnsonmethatChristmasisonlythreeweeksaway,andIstarttowonder
ifmymotherwillstillwantmetocomehome.Ihaven’tbeenhomesinceIleft
forcollege.
“Whatarethose?”Hardinchucklesandflickstheballsoffuratthetopofmy
ankle.
“Socks.Warmsocks,tobeexact.”Istickmytongueout.
“Nice,”heteases,thenchangesintosweatpantsandasweatshirt.
By the time we get back to the living room, the apartment has warmed up
somewhat.Hardinturnsthetelevisiononandliesonthecouch,pullingmeonto
hischestandencasingusinthemoundofblankets.
“I was wondering what you were doing for Christmas,” I say nervously. I
don’tknowwhyIfeelshyaskinghimaboutthiswhenwealreadylivetogether.
“Ohwell,Iwasgoingtowaituntilnextweektobringitup,witheverything
beingsochaoticoverthelastweek,butsinceyoudid...”Hesmiles,hisface
holdingthesamenervousnessthatIfeel.“I’mgoingtogohomefortheholiday,
andIwouldlikeitifyouwouldcomewithme.”
“Home?”Isqueak.
“To England . . . to my mothers house.” He looks a little sheepish as he
hedges,“Igetitifyoudon’twantto.Iknowit’salottoask,andyou’vealready
movedinwithme.”
“It’snotthatIdon’twantto,it’sjust...Idon’tknow...”Theideaofgoing
toanothercountrywithHardinisthrilling,butterrifying.Ihaveneverevenleft
Washington.
“Youdon’thavetoanswermetonight,butletmeknowsoon,okay?Iwillbe
leavingonthetwentieth,”heexplains.
“That’sthedayaftermybirthday,”Itellhim.
Hemovessuddenlyandliftsmyheadup.“Yourbirthday?Whydidn’tyoutell
meitwassosoon?”
I shrug a little. “I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it, I guess.
Birthdays aren’t really a big deal to me. My mother used to go all-out on my
birthdays,makingeachonespecial,butnotinthelastfewyears.”
“Well,whatwouldyouliketodoforyourbirthday?”
“Nothing.Maybewecangotodinner?”Idon’twanttomakeabigdealoutof
it.
“Dinner...Idon’tknow,”heteases.“Abitextravagant,isn’tit?”
Igiggleandhekissesmyforehead.Iforcehimtowatchthenewepisodeof
PrettyLittleLiarsandweendupfallingasleeponthecouchprettyquickly.
I wake up sweating in the middle of the night. Lifting myself off Hardin, I
peeloffthesweatshirtandgoovertoturntheheatdownwhenasmallbluelight
blinking on Hardin’s phone piques my curiosity. I pick the phone up off the
counterandswipemyfingeracross.Threenewmessages.
Putthephonedown,Tessa.
Ihavenoreasontogothroughhisphone;that’sinsane.Isetitdownandwalk
back toward the couch, only to be stopped by the vibration of another text
messagearriving.
Just one. I will only glance at one. That’s not so crazy, right? I know it’s
insanetobelookingthroughHardin’smessages,butIcan’tseemtostopmyself.
Call me back dick, the message reads. Jace’s name covers the top of the small
screen.
Yup,readingthatwasaterribleidea.Itdidn’tgetmeanywhereatall,andnow
IfeelguiltyforgoingthroughHardin’sphonelikeacrazyperson...butwhyis
JacetextingHardin,anyway?
“Tessa?”Hardin’svoicecroaks,causingmetojump,andthephoneslipsout
ofmygrasp.Itfallstothefloorwithacrack.
“What was that? What are you doing?” he asks through the dark room, the
onlylightbeingcastfromthetelevision.
“Your phone went off . . . and I grabbed it,” I half-lie and scramble on the
floor to pick up the phone. The screen now has a small crack along the side.
“AndIcrackedthescreen,”Iadd.
Hegroanswearily.“Justcomebacktobed.”
I set the phone down and lie back on the couch with him. But I don’t fall
asleepforalongwhile.
THENEXTMORNING,IwakeuptoHardintryingtomoveoutfromunderme.
Ishiftagainstthebackofthecouchtolethimgetup,andhegrabshisphoneoff
the counter before going tothe bathroom. I hope he isn’ttoo pissed about me
breaking his screen. If I wouldn’t have been so nosy, this wouldn’t have
happenedinthefirstplace.Ipullmyselfoffthecouchandmakeapotofcoffee.
Hardin’s proposal of going to England with him keeps running through my
mind.Wehavealreadyprogressedsoquicklyinourrelationshipbymovingin
together at such a young age. Still, I would love to meet his mother and see
EnglandwithHardin.
“Deepinthought?”Hardin’svoiceinterruptsmeashecomesintothekitchen.
“No...well,sortof.”Ilaugh.
“About?”
“Christmas.”
“Whataboutit?Youcan’tfigureoutwhattogetme?”
“IthinkI’mgoingtocallmymotherandseeifshewouldhaveeveninvited
me for Christmas. I feel bad not at least seeing first, you know. She will be
alone.”
Hedoesn’tlookthrilled,buthestayscalm.“Iunderstand.”
“I’msorryaboutyourphone.”
“It’sfine,”hesaysandsitsatthekitchentable.
ButthenIblurtout,“IreadatextmessagefromJace.”Idon’twant tohide
thingsfromhim,nomatterhowembarrassingtheconfessionsare.
“Youwhat?”
“ItvibratedandIlookedatit.Whywashetextingsolate,anyway?”
“Whatdidyouread?”heasks,ignoringmyquestion.
“AtextfromJace,”Irepeat.
Hisjawclenches.“Whatdiditsay?”
“Just to call him back . . .” Why is he getting so worked up? I knew he
wouldn’t exactly be happy that I looked at his text message, but this is an
overreaction.
“That’sit?”hesnaps,whichstartstogetmeannoyed.
“Yes,Hardin—whatelsewouldithavesaid?”
“Nothing...”Hetakesaslowsipofcoffee,likeit’sallsuddenlynobigdeal.
“Ijustdon’tlikeyougoingthroughmystuff.”
“Okay,well,Iwon’tdoitagain.”
“Good.Ihaveafewthingstodotoday,socanyoukeepyourselfbusyfora
while?”
“Whatdoyouhavetodo?”Iaskandinstantlyregretit.
Jesus,Tessa,”hesaysloudly.“Whyareyoualwaysonmycase!”
“I’mnotalwaysonyourcase.Ijustwantedtoknowwhatyouweredoing.We
areinarelationship,Hardin—aprettyseriousone,atthat—sowhywouldn’tI
askwhereyou’regoing?”
Hepusheshismugawayandstandsup.“Youjustdon’tknowwhentoletshit
go,isyourproblem.Idon’thavetotellyoueverything,whetherweareliving
together or not! If I would have known you were going to start shit with me
today,Iwouldhaveleftbeforeyouevenwokeup.”
“Wow”isallIcansaybeforeIstormofftothebedroom.
Buthe’shotonmyheels.“Wowwhat?”
“Ishouldhaveknownthatyesterdaywastoogoodtobetrue.”
“Excuseme?”hescoffs.
“Wehadsuchagreattime;youweren’tanasshole,foronce,butyouwakeup
today and bam! You’re back to being a jerk!” I scramble around the room
pickingupHardin’sdirtyclothes.
“Youforgotthepartwhereyouwentthroughmyphone.”
“Okay,andIamsorryfordoingthat,butit’shonestlynotthatbigofadeal.If
thereissomethingontherethatyoudon’twantmetosee,thenthereisabigger
problemhere!”Iyellandshoveeverythingintothehamper.
He points an angry finger at me. “No, Tessa, you’re the problem. You’re
alwaysmakingsomethingoutofnothing!”
“WhydidyoufightZed?”Icounter.
“Wearen’tdoingthisrightnow,”hesaysinacooltone.
“Thenwhen, Hardin? Why won’t you tell me? How am I supposed to trust
youifyouarekeepingthingsfromme?DoesthishavetodowithJace?”Iask
andhisnostrilsflare.
He runs his hands over his face and then up through his hair, leaving it
stickingstraightup.“Idon’tknowwhyyoucanneverjustmindyourowndamn
business,”hegrumblesandwalksoff.
SecondslaterIhearthefrontdoorslamandIwipetheangrytearsfrommy
cheeks.Hardin’sreactiontomeaskingaboutJaceisgnawingatmystomachthe
entire time I clean the apartment. He overreacted; there is something he isn’t
tellingme,andIdon’tunderstandwhy.Iamfairlycertainithasnothingtodo
with me, but it just doesn’tmake sense why Hardin got so worked up. I have
knownsincethemomentImetJacethathewastrouble.IfHardinisn’tgoingto
give me answers, I will have to go another route. I look out the window and
watchasHardin’scarpullsoutoftheparkinglotbeforegrabbingmyphone.My
newsourceanswersonthefirstring.
“Zed?It’sTessa,”Isay.
“Yeah...Iknow.”
“Okay. . .well, I waswondering ifIcould askyou something?” Myvoice
comesoutsmallerthanIintendeditto.
“Um...whereisHardin?”heasks,and,givenhistone,Isuspectheholdsa
smallgrudgeagainstmeforblowinghimoffafterhewassokindtome.
“Heisn’there.”
“Idon’tthinkthisisagoodidea—”
“WhydidHardinfightyou?”Iaskbeforehefinishes.
“I’msorry,Tessa,Igottago,”hesaysandthecallends.
Whatthehell?Ihadn’tbeenonehundredpercentsurehewouldtellme,but
thatwasn’tthereactionIwasexpecting,either.Mycuriosityisnowpiquedmore
thanbeforeandmyannoyanceisashighasever.
ItrytocallHardinagain,butofcoursehedoesn’tanswer.WhywouldZedact
thatway?Likehewasalmost...afraidtotellme?MaybeIwaswrongandthis
doeshavetodowithme?Idon’tknowwhat’sgoingon,butnoneofthismakes
sense. I take a step back and reevaluate the situation. Am I overreacting?
Hardin’sfranticexpressionwhenIaskedaboutJacereplaysinmyhead,andI’m
sureI’mnotmisreadingthis.
Itake a showerto try tocalmmy nervesandsettle my mind,but it doesn’t
work;thisfeelinginthepitofmystomachpushesmetocomeupwithanother
option.WhenIgetoutoftheshower,Iblow-drymyhairandgetmyselfdressed
whileIdecidewhattodonext.
I feel a little like Miss Havisham in Great Expectations, plotting and
scheming.Ihadnevercaredforhercharacter,butsuddenlyIfindmyselfrelating
to her. I can now see how love can make you do things that you normally
wouldn’t,likebecomeobsessiveandevenalittlecrazy.Though,inreality,my
planreallyisn’tallthatcrazyornearlyasdramaticasitseemsinmyhead.All
I’mgoingtodoisfindStephandaskherifsheknowswhyHardinandZedgot
intoafight,thenseewhatsheknowsaboutJace.Theonlythingthatmakesthis
plancrazyisthatHardinwillloseitwhenhefindsoutthatIcalledZedandwent
toSteph.
Nowthat I thinkabout it,Hardinhasn’ttakenme around anyof hisfriends
sincewemovedintogether—makingitlikelynoneofthemactuallyknowabout
ournewlivingarrangement.
BY THE TIME I leave the apartment, my thoughts are jumbled and I end up
leavingmy phone on the counter.It beginsto snow assoon as I pull onto the
freeway, soit takesme overthirty minutesto get to the dorms. They look the
same as I remember—of course they do. It has been only a week since I left
them,eventhoughitseemssomuchlonger.
Marchingupthehallway,Iignoretherudestarefromthebleachblondewho
yelledatHardinforspillingvodkaoutsideherdoor.ThatfirstnightthatHardin
stayedinmydormwithmeseemssodistant;timehasn’tmadesensesinceImet
him.WhenIknockonmyolddoor,there’snoanswer.Ofcoursesheisn’there;
she’s never here. She spends the majority of her time at Tristan and Nate’s
apartment,andIhavenoideawherethatis.EvenifIdid,wouldIgothere?
IgetintomycarandtrytoformulateanewplanwhileIdrivearound.This
mighthavebeeneasierifIhadn’tforgottenmyphone,butjustasI’maboutto
give up on my radical decision to practically stalk my old roommate, I pass
BlindBob’s, thebikerbarIwenttowithSteph.RecognizingNate’s car inthe
lot,Ipullin.Itakeadeepbreathbeforegettingout,andwhenIfinallydo,the
coldairburnsmynostrils.ThewomanatthefrontsmilesatmewhenIenter,and
I’mrelievedwhenIspotSteph’sredhairfromacrosstheroom.
IfonlyIhadknownwhatwastocome.
chapterninety-six
Nervousness overtakes me as I walk through the smoky bar. Why did I think
thiswasagoodidea?Hardinisgoingtobefuriouswithme,andStephmayjust
thinkI’minsane.
Whenshe sees me,a big smile fills Steph’s faceand she practicallyshouts,
“Tessa,whatthehellareyoudoinghere?”beforepullingmeintoahug.
“I...well,Iwaslookingforyou,”Isay.
“Iseverythingokay?Ordidyoujustmissme?”Shelaughs.
“Ijustmissedyou.”Idecidetogowiththatfornow.
“Ihaven’tseenyouinages,Tessa,”Nateteasesandthenhugsme.“Wherehas
Hardinbeenhidingyou?”
Tristan appears behind Steph and wraps his arms around her waist. By the
waysheleansbackagainsthim,Iknowtheyhaveworkedthroughthefightover
Molly.
Shesmiles.“Comesitwithus—it’sjustusfornow.”
Fornow?IwonderifshemeansthatHardinwillbeheresoon?Ifollowthe
three of them to a booth, dreading the answer to that question. A question I
choosenottoask,andinsteadorderaburgerand fries. I haven’teatenallday
andit’spastthreeintheafternoon.
“And I’ll make sure there is no ketchup,” the waitress says with a knowing
smile and walks back to the kitchen. Clearly she remembers the scene Hardin
madethelasttimeIwashere.
IpickatmymanicuredfingersasIwaitforthewaitresstobringmemyCoke.
“Youmissedonehellofapartylastnight,Tessa,”Natesays.Heliftshisglass
andgulpsdowntheremainderofhisbeer.
“Yeah?”Ismile.ThemostfrustratingpartofmyrelationshipwithHardinis
that I never know what I’m allowed to tell people. If I were in a normal
relationship,Iwouldrespondwith“Ohyeah,wehadagreattimelastnightathis
fatherswedding.”Butsincemyrelationshipisfarfromnormal,Istayquiet.
“Yeah,itwaswild.Wewentouttothedocksinsteadofthefrathouse.”He
laughs. “We get away with more at the docks and we don’t have to clean up
after.”
“Oh.DoesJaceliveatthedocks?”Itrytokeepmytoneneutral.
“What?No,thedocksareboatdocks.Heworksthereduringtheday,though.
Helivesclosebythem.”
“Oh...”Ichewonmystraw.
“Itwasfreezing,andTristanherewasplasteredandjumpedintothecold-ass
water.”Stephsnorts,andTristanflipsheroffplayfully.
“Itwasn’ttoobad;mybodywasnumbthesecondIhitthewater,”hejokes.
MyfoodarrivesalongwithTristan’swingsandaroundofbeersforthethree
ofthem.
“Yousureyoudon’twantabeer?Shewon’tcardyou,”Natetellsme.
“Oh,no,Ihavetodrive.Thanks,though.”
“Sohow’syournewdorm?”Stephasksandstealsafryfrommyplate.
“Mywhat?”
“Yournewdorm?”sherepeatsslowly.
“Idon’thaveanewdorm.”DidHardintellherImovedintoanotherdorm?
“Uh,yeah,youdo,becauseyoudon’tliveinmineanymore.Allofyourstuff
wasgoneandHardinsaidyouchangeddorms,thatyourmomflippedoutonyou
orsomething.”Shetakesabigswigfromherbeer.
IdecidethatIdon’tcarehowpissedHardingetsatme—I’mnotgoingtolie.
I’minfuriated andembarrassed thathe isstill hidingour relationship.“Hardin
andImovedintoanapartment,”Itellthem.
What?”Steph,Nate,andTristansayatthesametime.
“Yes,lastweek.Wemovedintogetherabouttwentyminutesfromcampus,”I
explain.AllthreeofthemarelookingatmeasifIhavegrownasecondhead.
“What?”Iaskharshly.
“Nothing. It’s just . . . wow . . . I don’t know. That’s just a really huge
surprise,”Stephsays.
“Why?” I snap. I know it isn’t fair to direct my anger toward her when it’s
meantforHardin,butIcan’thelpit.
She frowns and looks like she’s pondering something. “I don’tknow; I just
can’tpictureHardinlivingwithsomeone,that’sall.Ididn’tknowyoutwowere
thatserious.Iwishyouwouldhavetoldme.”
AsI am aboutto ask herwhat shemeansby that,Nate’sandTristan’s eyes
darttothedoor,thenbacktome.WhenIturnaround,IseeMolly,Hardin,and
Jacestandinginthedoorway.Hardinshakessomesnowfromhishairandwipes
his boots on the straw mat. I turn around quickly, my heart beating out of my
chest.Therearetoomanythingsgoingonatonce:MollyiswithHardin,which
pissesmeoffbeyondwords.JaceiswithHardin,whichconfusesthehelloutof
me. And I just told everyone that we moved in together, which they seem
unsettledby.
“Tessa.”Hardin’svoiceisangryfrombehindme.
Ilookupathim,andhisfaceistwistedinanger.Heistryingtocontrolit,I
can tell, but it’s about to boil over. “I need to talk to you,” he says through
clenchedteeth.
“Rightnow?”Isay,tryingtosoundcasualbuthard-edged.
“Yes.Now,”heanswersandreachesouttograbmyarm.Iquicklyclimbout
oftheboothandfollowhimtothecornerofthesmallbar.“Whatthehellareyou
doinghere?”hesaysquietly,hisfaceinchesfrommine.
“IcametohangoutwithSteph.”Notexactlyalie,butnotthetruth,either.
He calls me out. “Bullshit.” He is struggling to keep his voice down, but
we’vealreadydrawntheattentionofmorethanafewpatrons.“Youneedtogo,”
hetellsme.
“Excuseme?”Iretort,stealingoneofhisfamouslines.
“Youneedtogohome.”
“Homewhere?Backtomynewdorm?”Ichallenge.Thecolordrainsfromhis
face.“Yup,Itoldthem.Itoldthemthatwelivetogether—howcouldyounot?
Doyouknowhowstupidthatmakesmelook?Ithoughtwewerepastyoutrying
tokeepmeasecret.”
“Iwasn’t...”helies.
“I am sick of the secrets and deception, Hardin. Every time I think we are
doingsogreat—”
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to keep it a secret. I was just waiting.” Hardin’s
thoughtsseemjumbled.Icanalmostseetheinternalbattlebeingwagedbehind
hisgreeneyes.Hiseyesfranticallyscantheroom,andhispanicworriesme.
“Ican’tkeepdoingthis—youknowthat,don’tyou?”Itellhim.
“Yeah,Iknow.”Hesighsandpullshislipringbetweenhisteethandrunshis
handthroughhisdamphair.“Canwegohomeandtalkaboutthis?”heasksand
Inod.
Ifollowhimback totheboothswhereeveryoneisseated.“Wearegoingto
go,”Hardinannounces.
Jacegivesasinistergrin.“Sosoon?”
Hardin’sshoulderstense.“Yeah,”heanswers.
“Backtoyourapartment?”Stephasks,andIshootaglareather.Notnow,I
silentlyscreamather.
“Yourwhat?” Molly cackles. I could have gone the rest of my life without
seeingheragain,really.
“Theirapartment;theylivetogether,”Stephsaysinasingsongvoice.Iknow
sheisonlytryingtoshoveitdownMolly’sthroat,andusuallyIwouldapplaud
herforit,butI’mtooangryatHardintofocusonMolly.
“Well, well, well.” Molly taps her long crimson nails on the table. “That’s
veryinteresting,”shesays,staringatHardin.
“Molly...”hewarns.IswearIseepanicflashacrosshisface.
Sheraisesaneyebrow.“You’rereallytakingthiswholethingalittlefar,aren’t
you?”
“Molly,IsweartoGod,ifyoudon’tshutthefuckup—”
“Whatthing?Whatishetakingtoofar?”Ican’thelpbutask.
“Tessa,gooutside,”hecommands,butIignorehim.
“No,whatishetakingtoofar?Tellme!”Iyell.
“Wait.You’re in on it,aren’tyou?”She laughs and continues, “I knew it!I
toldJaceyouknew,buthewouldn’tbelieveme.Hardin,youoweZedsomebig
bucksforthis.”Shethrowsherheadbackandstandsup.
Hardin’s faceiscompletelypale;allthebloodseemstobedrainedfromhis
entirebody.MyheadisswimmingandI’msoconfused.IbrieflyglanceatNate,
Tristan,andSteph,buttheyareallfocusedonHardin.
“Knewwhat?”Myvoiceisshaky.Hardingrabsmyarmandtriestopullme
away,butIjerkoutofhisgripandmoveovertostandinfrontofMolly.
“Don’t play stupid with me, I know you know. What did he do? Split the
moneywithyou?”sheasks.
Hardinreachesformy hand,andhisfingersareicecold.“Tessa...” Ijerk
awayandstareathim,myeyeswide.
“Tellme!Whatisshe talkingabout!”Iyelltohim.Tearsthreatenmyeyes,
andIstruggletokeepdownalltheemotionsstormingthroughme.
Hardinastoundsmebyopeninghismouthandthenclosingitagain.
“OhmyGod,youreallydon’tknow?Oh,thisisamazing.Everyonepullupa
seat!”shemocks.
“Molly,don’t,”Stephsays.
“You sure you wanna know, princess?” Molly continues, giving me a
triumphantsmile.
I can literally hear the blood pounding behind my ears, and for a second I
wonderifeveryoneelsecan,too.“Tellme,”Idemand.
Shetiltsherheadslightly...butthenpauses.“No,IthinkHardinshouldtell
her.”Andshestartsgiggling,slidinghertongueringbetweenherteeth,making
themosthorrendousrattling,worsethannailsonachalkboard.
chapterninety-seven
Everything is happening too fast for me to comprehend. I’m confused, and
when I look around the room, I see that I’m surrounded by people who have
tauntedmenomatterhardItriedtofitinwiththem,andIknowthatIcan’ttrust
asingleoneofthem.
What’sgoingon?WhyisHardinjuststandingthere?What’shappening?
“Isecondthat,”Jacechimesinandliftshisbeerinsalute.“Goon,Hardin,tell
her.”
“I...Iwilltellyououtside,”Hardinsays,hisvoicelow.
Ilookintohisbrillianteyes,whichseemwildwithdesperationandconfusion.
Idon’tknowwhatisgoingon,butIdoknowIdon’twanttogoanywherewith
him.
“No,youtellmehere.Infrontofthemsoyoucan’tlie.”Myheartisalready
achingandIknowthatIamnotpreparedforwhateverheisgettingreadytotell
me.
Hepauses,fidgetingwithhisfingersbeforehespeaks.“I’msorry.”Heholds
hishandsoutinfrontofhim.“Tessa,youhavetorememberthatthiswasway
beforeIevenknewyou.”Hiseyesarebeggingformercy.
Idon’ttrustmyvoice,andIbarelyopenmymouthwhenIspeak.“Tellme.”
“Thatnight...thatsecondnight...thesecondpartyyoucameto,whenwe
playedTruthorDare...andNateaskedifyouwereavirgin...”Hecloseshis
eyesasiftogatherhisthoughts.
Ohno.Ifitwaspossibleformyhearttosinkevenlower,itwouldhave.This
isn’thappening.Thiscan’tbehappening.Notrightnow.Nottome.
“Goon...”Jacesaysandleansforwardlikethisisthebestthinghe’sever
seen.Hardinshootshimdaggers,andIknowthatifHardinweren’tinthemiddle
ofsingle-handedlydestroyingourrelationship,hewouldkillthatvilemanonthe
spot.
“Yousaidyouwere...andthatgavesomeoneanidea—”
“Gavewhotheidea?”Mollyinterrupts.
“Me . . . gave me the idea,” he admits. His eyes never leave mine. Which
doesn’tmakethisanyeasier.“That...itcouldbefuntomake...tomakea
bet.”Hisheadfalls,andtearspourfrommyeyes.
“No,”Ichokeandtakeastepbackward.
Confusionramsintomyalready-jumbledthoughts,disruptinganyattemptto
makesenseof them, tomakesenseof whatI’mhearing.Confusion is quickly
replacedbyaburningmixtureofpainandanger.Allofthememoriesflooding
throughmepileandpiecetogether...
“Stayawayfromhim.”“Becareful.”“Sometimesyouthinkyouknowpeople,
butyoudon’t.”“ButTessa,Ineedtotellyousomething.”
All of the small remarks that were made by Molly, Jace, and even Hardin
himself play over and over. There was always something in the back of my
mind,afeelingthatIwasmissingsomething.Alloftheairseemstobesucked
outofthesmallroom,andIfindmyselfalmostgaspingastherealityofallthis
setsin.Thereweresomanyclues;IjustwastooblindedbyHardintoseethem.
Whywouldhetakeitthisfar?Tohavemelivewithhim?
“Youknew?”IturntoSteph.Ican’tlookatHardinanylonger.
“I . . . I was going to tell you so many times, Tess,” she says, her eyes
brimmingwithguiltytears.
“I didn’t believe it when he claimed he won, even with the condom,” Jace
snickers,enjoyingtheshow.
“Right?Me,either!Thesheets,though.Imean,howcanyoudenybloodon
thesheets!”Mollylaughs.
Thesheets.That’swhytheywerestillinhiscar...
I know I should be saying something, anything, but I can’t find my voice.
Everythingisstillmovingaroundme;peopleinthebarareeatinganddrinking,
notnoticingthenaïve girltenfeetawayfromthemhavingher heartshattered.
HowisitpossiblethattimestillmovesasIstandherewatchingTristanbowhis
head,watchingStephcry,and,mostofall,watchingHardinwatchme.
“Tessa,Iamsosorry.”Hetakesasteptowardme,butIcan’tevenmovemy
feettorunawaylikeIneedto.
Molly’s harpy voice breaks through the air. “You know, there is a sort of
dramaherethateveryonehastoappreciate.Imean,rememberlasttimewewere
all here and Steph gave Tessa that ridiculous makeover, and Hardin and Zed
were trying to battle over who took her back to her room?” She laughs, then
continues:“ThenHardinshoweduptoyourroom,right?Withthatvodka!You
thoughthewasdrunk!DoyourememberwhenIcalledhimwhenhewasthere?”
For a moment she looks at me like she actually expects I’ll answer her. “But
reallyhewassupposedtowinthebetthatnight.Hewasprettycockyaboutit,
butZedkeptsayingyouwouldn’tgiveitupthatquick.IguessZedwasright,
butyoustillgaveitupquickerthanIthoughtyouwould,soIsupposeit’sagood
thingIdidn’tbetanymoney...”
Molly’sterriblesoundsandHardin’seyesaretheonlythinginthebar.
Ihaveneverfeltthiswaybefore.Thislevelofhumiliationandlossisworse
thanIcould ever haveimagined.Hardinhas been playingmethis entire time;
thiswasallagametohim.Allthehugs,thekisses,thesmiles,thelaughs,the“I
loveyou’s,”thesex,theplans—andfuckifthisdoesn’tburnlikenothingelsein
the world. He had every move planned, every night, every single detail, and
everyoneknewexceptme.EvenSteph,whoIthoughtwasbecomingafriend.I
glanceathim,allowingmyselfamomentofweaknessduringtheshock, andI
wishIhadn’t.He’sjuststandingthere—standingtherelikemyentireworldisn’t
crashing around me and he hasn’t completely humiliated me in front of
everyone.
“You’dbehappytoknowthatyouwereworthaprettypenny,though,even
though Zed tried to bitch out a few times. But with Jace, Logan, and Zed’s
money,Ihopeheatleastboughtyoudinner!”Mollysays,laughing.
Jace finishes his beer and howls. “I’m only disappointed that I missed the
infamous I Love You! announcement in front of everyone. I heard that was a
killer.”
“Shutthefuckup!”Tristansurpriseseveryonebyyelling.IfIwasn’tnumb,he
mayhavesurprisedme,too.“Fuckyouguys.Shehasalreadyhadenough!”
Hardintakesanotherstep.“Baby,pleasesaysomething.”
And with his little “baby” plea, my brain finally connects with my mouth.
“Don’tyoufuckingdarecall me that! Howcouldyoudothis to me?You...
you...Ican’t...”Ihavesomanythingsinmyheadtosay,buttheyjustwon’t
comeout. “And I won’tsay anything, because that’s what youwant.” I sound
muchmoreconfidentthanIfeelinside.InsideIamburning,andmyheartison
thefloor,underneathHardin’sboot.
“IknowImessedup—”hebegins.
“Youmessedup?Youmessedup?” Iscream.“Why?Justtellmewhy.Why
me?”
“Becauseyouwerethere,”hesays.Andhishonestyonlybreaksmefurther.
“Andachallenge.Ididn’tknowyou,Tessa.Ididn’tknow that I wouldfallin
lovewithyou.”
Hismentionoflovecarrieswithittheoppositefeelingthanithasthepastfew
weeks, and I can taste the bile in the back of my throat. “You’re sick. You’re
fuckingsick!”Iscreamandrushtothedoor.
Thisistoomuchforme.Hardin’shandwrapsaroundmyarmandIjerkaway,
turningandslappinghim.Hard.
Thepaininhisexpressiongivesmethemostpainfulsatisfaction.
“Youruinedeverything!”Iscream.“Youtooksomethingfrommethatwasn’t
yours,Hardin.Thatwasmeantforsomeonewholovedme,lovedmetruthfully.
It was his, whoever he is, and you took that—for money? I ruined my
relationshipwithmymotherforyou.Igaveupeverything!Ihadsomeonewho
lovedme,someonewhowouldn’thurtmethewayyoudid.Youaredisgusting.”
“Idoloveyou,Tessa.Iloveyoumorethananything.Iwasgoingtotellyou.I
triedtogetthemnottotellyou.Ineverwantedyoutofindout.That’swhyIwas
outallnight,gettingthemtoagreenottosayanything.Iwasgoingtotellyou
soon,nowthatwelivetogether,becausethenitwouldn’tmatter.”
Ihavenocontroloverthewordstumblingfrommylips.“Areyou...you...
ohmyGod,Hardin!Whatthehelliswrongwithyou?Youthinkgoingaround
convincingpeopletonottellmeisokay?ThefactthatIwouldn’tknowwould
make it all okay? You thought that if we lived together, I would let this go?
That’swhyyouweresodeterminedformynametobeonthelease!OhmyGod.
Youaresick!”
EverysmalldetailthatmademethinktwicesinceImetHardinallpointsto
this.Itwassoobvious.“That’swhyyouwentandgotmystuffformefrommy
room,becauseyouwereafraidStephwouldtellme!”
EveryoneinthebarisstaringandIfeelsosmall,sobrokenandsmall.
“Whatdidyoudowiththemoney,Hardin?”
“I—”hebegins,thenstops.
“Tellme,”Idemand.
“Yourcar...thepaint...andthedepositfortheapartment.IthoughtifI...
Iwasgoingtotellyousomanytimes,onceIknewitwasn’tjustabetanymore.
Iloveyou—Ilovedyoutheentiretime,Iswearit,”hesays.
“You kept the condom to show them, Hardin! You showed them the sheets,
thebloodyfuckingsheets!”Iwrapmyhandsinmyhairandtugatit.“Ohmy
God!I’msuchanidiot.WhileIwasrelivingeverydetailofthebestnightofmy
life,youwereshowingyourfriendsthesheets.”
“Iknow...Idon’thaveanyexcuse...butyouhavetoforgiveme.Wecan
figurethisout,”hesays.
AndIlaugh.Areallaugh.Despitemytears,Ifindmyselflaughing;I’mlosing
mymind.Thissceneisn’tplayingoutlikeinthemovies.I’mnotholdingmyself
together.I’mnothandlingthenewselegantlywithasimplegasporasingletear
trailingdownmycheek.Iamcrying,pullingatmyownhair,andambarelyable
tocontrolmyemotionsandformafullsentence.
“Forgive you?” I laugh madly. “You have ruined my entire life—you know
that, don’t you? Oh, of course you do. That was your plan the entire time,
remember?Youpromisedyouwould‘ruinme.’Socongratulations,Hardin,you
have.WhatshouldIgiveyou,money?OrshouldIfindanothervirginforyou?”
Heshiftsalittle,asiftoblockoutmyviewoftheothersatthetable.“Tessa,
please.YouknowIloveyou,Iknowyoudo.Let’sgohome,please,andIwill
tellyoueverything.”
“Home?Thatisn’tmyhome.Itneverhasbeen;webothknowthat.”Itryfor
thedooragain.Iamsoclose.
“What can I do? I’ll do anything,” he begs. With his eyes still focused on
mine,hebendsdown.I’mconfusedforasecondbeforeIrealizeheisgettingon
hiskneesinfrontofme.
“You?Nothing.Thereisnothingyoucandoformeanymore,Hardin.”
IfIknewwhattosaytohurthimasbadlyashehashurtme,Iwould.AndI
wouldrepeatit athousandtimes, just sohe would knowhow it feelsto be so
completelyblindsidedandrippedapart.
Itakeoffforthedoor,takingadvantageofHardin’spositiononhisknees.As
soonasIreachthedoor,Icrashintosomeone.IlookuptofindZed,hisbattered
facestillrecoveringfromtheinjuriesthatHardincaused.
“What’swrong?”heasksandgrabsmyelbows.Thenhisgazetravelsbehind
metoHardinandrealizationfillshiseyes.
“I’msorry...”hesays,butIignorehim.Hardiniscoming,andIhavetoget
thehellawayfromthisbar,fromhim.
ThefreezingairwhipsmyhairinfrontofmyfaceassoonasIgetoutside.I
welcome the feeling, hoping it will cool the burning inside me. Snow has
blanketedmycarandthestreets.
Zed’s voicecallsfrombehindme,“Youcan’tdrive, Tessa.” Ikeeptrudging
throughthesnow,acrosstheparkinglot.
“Leavemealone!Iknowyouwereinonit!Youallwere!”Iscreamanddig
formykeys.
“Letmetakeyouhome—youareinnoconditiontodriveinthisstorm,”he
says.AsIopenmymouthtoscreamathim,Hardinwalksoutside.
I look at the person I once thought was the love of my life, who I thought
wouldmakeeverydayafterwemetspecial,andwild,andfree.AndthenIlook
atZed.
“Okay,”Isay.
TheclickofZed’scarbeingunlockedismycuetogetinasfastasIcan.The
second Hardin realizes that I’m leaving with Zed, he runs toward the car. His
facetwistsinanger,andIhopeforZed’ssakehegetsintothecarbeforeHardin
reachesus.
Zedjumpsinandtakesoff.IlookoverandwatchHardinfalltohiskneesfor
thesecondtimetonight.
“Iamsosorry,Tessa.Ihadnoideaitwouldgetthatoutofhand—”hestarts,
butIcuthimoff.
“Don’ttalktome.”
Ican’tstandtohearanymore.Ican’ttakeit.I’msicktomystomach,andthe
painofHardin’sbetrayaliscuttingatme,makingmeweakerandweakerbythe
moment. I’m convinced that if Zed speaks, there will be nothing left of me. I
needtoknowwhyHardindidwhathedid,butI’mhonestlyterrifiedwhatwill
happenifIhearit,allofit.Ihaven’tfeltpainlikethisbeforeandI’mnotsure
howtohandleit,orifIcanatall.Zednods,andwedriveinsilenceforafew
minutes.IthinkofHardin,ofMolly,ofJaceandtherest,andsomethinginme
shifts.Somethingmakesmebraver.“Youknowwhat?”Iturntohim.“Dotalkto
me.Tellmeeverything.Everysingledetail.”
Withworriedeyeshesearchesmyfaceforamoment,andthen,realizinghe
hasnochoice,saysaquiet“Okay”asweturnontothefreeway.
acknowledgments
TheAfterserieswouldn’thavebeenpossiblewithoutsomanypeople.Icould
write another book thanking you all (you know that I could, and probably
actuallywould),butIhaveonlyalittlespacehere,soI’llmakeitasshortand
sweetaspossible.
Authorsnote:First,IwanttothankmyHessashippers/Afternators/Toddlers
(leastfavorite,ha)/originalreaders(weclearlycouldn’tdecideonjustonename,
ha).Youguyshavebeenherefromthestartandareliterallythebestgroupof
people;youare so supportive,andyou make mylife.Everyword was written
because of you and your passion for my storytelling. You are amazing and
“ilysm.”
Wattpadisnext, ofcourse. Withoutyouall believinginme andhelping me
bring After to life, my dreams wouldn’t be coming true. Always remember
wherethisstartedandthatyouallhadapartincreatingsomethingsobig.Never
giveuponyourselves,and pleaseremember(IknowItellyoutoomuch)that
tomorrowisalwaysbetterthanyouthinkitwillbe.Youareimportantandloved,
evenwhenitdoesn’tfeelthatway.
AmyMartin,forfightingformyvisionandpushingAfteruntiltheygotit.
CandiceandAshleigh,youbothhavedonesomuchforme,andIcouldnever
repayyouforanyofit.
IwanttothankGalleryBooksforbelievinginAfterandinme,andforgiving
meAdamWilsonasthebestandmostlivelyeditor.Adam,youarejuststraight-
upamazingandfunny,andyourcommentsalwaysmakemelaugh.Yougetme,
my sense of humor (cheesy jokes and all), and you get Hardin and Tessa in a
waythat notmany peopledo. Youhave beenso helpful and made this such a
smoothandquicktransitionandjourney.
Myparentsandmymother-in-law,youlovedmeandsupportedmeeachstep
oftheway.
Kaci,foryourlistsandencouragement.(Insertouremoji.)
ToJordan,myhusband,whomI’velovedsinceIwasakid.Youhavegiven
me the time to make my dreams come true, and you put up with my endless
hoursofwritingandtweeting.AndyouonlycomplainedalittlewhenIshowed
youthousandsofHessaedits.
I’mrunningoutofroomhere,soIhavetogo.ButIloveyouallsomuch,and
Iamsogratefultohaveallofyouinmylife.
AUTHORPHOTOBYJ.D.WITKOWSKI
ANNA TODD is a first-time writer spending her days in the Austin area with her husband,
with whom she beat half the statistics by getting married one month after graduating high
school.Betweenherhusband’sthreedeploymentstoIraq,sheworkedoddjobsfromamakeup
counter to the IRS processing center. Anna was always an avid reader and boy band and
romancelover,sonowthatshe’sfoundawaytocombinethethree,she’senjoyinglivingareal-
lifedreamcometrue.
Find her at AnnaToddBooks.com, on Twitter at @imaginator1dx, on Instagram at
@imaginator1d,andonWattpadasImaginator1D.
FORMOREONTHISAUTHOR:authors.simonandschuster.com/Anna-Todd
MEETTHEAUTHORS,WATCHVIDEOSANDMOREAT
SimonandSchuster.com
Facebook.com/GalleryBooks
@GalleryBooks
Wattpad.com/After
Morehilarious,smuttygoodness...
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1230AvenueoftheAmericas
NewYork,NY10020
www.SimonandSchuster.com
Thisbookisaworkoffiction.Anyreferencestohistoricalevents,realpeople,orrealplacesareused
fictitiously.Othernames,characters,places,andeventsareproductsoftheauthorsimagination,andany
resemblancetoactualeventsorplacesorpersons,livingordead,isentirelycoincidental.
Copyright©2014byAnnaTodd
TheauthorisrepresentedbyWattpad.
Allrightsreserved,includingtherighttoreproducethisbookorportionsthereofinanyformwhatsoever.
Forinformation,addressGalleryBooksSubsidiaryRightsDepartment,1230AvenueoftheAmericas,New
York,NY10020.
FirstGalleryBookstradepaperbackeditionOctober2014
GALLERYBOOKSandcolophonareregisteredtrademarksofSimon&Schuster,Inc.
TheSimon&SchusterSpeakersBureaucanbringauthorstoyourliveevent.Formoreinformationorto
bookanevent,contacttheSimon&SchusterSpeakersBureauat1-866-248-3049orvisitourwebsiteat
www.simonspeakers.com.
InteriordesignbyDavinaMock
CoverdesignbyDamonza
CoverimagebyShutterstock
LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationData
Todd,Anna.
 After/AnnaTodd.
  pagescm.—(Theafterseries)
1. Lovestories. 2. Collegestories. I. Title.
 PS3620.O275A69 2014
 813'.6—dc23    2014031296
ISBN978-1-4767-9248-4
ISBN978-1-5011-0399-5(ebook)
contents
Prologue
ChapterOne
ChapterTwo
ChapterThree
ChapterFour
ChapterFive
ChapterSix
ChapterSeven
ChapterEight
ChapterNine
ChapterTen
ChapterEleven
ChapterTwelve
ChapterThirteen
ChapterFourteen
ChapterFifteen
ChapterSixteen
ChapterSeventeen
ChapterEighteen
ChapterNineteen
ChapterTwenty
ChapterTwenty-One
ChapterTwenty-Two
ChapterTwenty-Three
ChapterTwenty-Four
ChapterTwenty-Five
ChapterTwenty-Six
ChapterTwenty-Seven
ChapterTwenty-Eight
ChapterTwenty-Nine
ChapterThirty
ChapterThirty-One
ChapterThirty-Two
ChapterThirty-Three
ChapterThirty-Four
ChapterThirty-Five
ChapterThirty-Six
ChapterThirty-Seven
ChapterThirty-Eight
ChapterThirty-Nine
ChapterForty
ChapterForty-One
ChapterForty-Two
ChapterForty-Three
ChapterForty-Four
ChapterForty-Five
ChapterForty-Six
ChapterForty-Seven
ChapterForty-Eight
ChapterForty-Nine
ChapterFifty
ChapterFifty-One
ChapterFifty-Two
ChapterFifty-Three
ChapterFifty-Four
ChapterFifty-Five
ChapterFifty-Six
ChapterFifty-Seven
ChapterFifty-Eight
ChapterFifty-Nine
ChapterSixty
ChapterSixty-One
ChapterSixty-Two
ChapterSixty-Three
ChapterSixty-Four
ChapterSixty-Five
ChapterSixty-Six
ChapterSixty-Seven
ChapterSixty-Eight
ChapterSixty-Nine
ChapterSeventy
ChapterSeventy-One
ChapterSeventy-Two
ChapterSeventy-Three
ChapterSeventy-Four
ChapterSeventy-Five
ChapterSeventy-Six
ChapterSeventy-Seven
ChapterSeventy-Eight
ChapterSeventy-Nine
ChapterEighty
ChapterEighty-One
ChapterEighty-Two
ChapterEighty-Three
ChapterEighty-Four
ChapterEighty-Five
ChapterEighty-Six
ChapterEighty-Seven
ChapterEighty-Eight
ChapterEighty-Nine
ChapterNinety
ChapterNinety-One
ChapterNinety-Two
ChapterNinety-Three
ChapterNinety-Four
ChapterNinety-Five
ChapterNinety-Six
ChapterNinety-Seven
Acknowledgments
AboutAnnaTodd